48 Minutes of Jimmy O. Yang | Guess How Much?

Ever since I was 5 years old, my mom had me believe that anything I do would make me sick. You go outside without a jacket, you get the flu. You go to bed with the fan on,

sick. You go outside without a jacket, you get the flu. You go to bed with the fan on, pneumonia. God forbid you fall asleep with wet hair. You don't even wake up.

pneumonia. God forbid you fall asleep with wet hair. You don't even wake up.

That's it. You're dead. That's it. You're dead. That's fearongering, man.

I'm not scared of anything anymore. I don't think I have any fear anymore. I

used to watch that show Fear Factor. You guys remember that show? Yeah. Joe Rogan

hosted Fear Factor to make you face your fears like jump off a helicopter, eat crazy [ __ ] like pig intestines and century egg. I ate that [ __ ] for breakfast. This is nothing to me. Fear is not a factor. When I was like 10 years old, little

breakfast. This is nothing to me. Fear is not a factor. When I was like 10 years old, little boy, I was very scared because there was this one kid, pretty sad story, in my class, he had childhood leukemia and then he lost all his hair to chemo and

everything, looking real frail. And I was really scared. I was like, "Oh my god, is he going to be okay?" And my mom, she's a great mother, she saw how scared I was, so she came up to console me. She was like, "Jimmy,

Jimmy, you see this is what happens when you play too much video [Applause]

games, that's fear-mongering." Okay, I never played a game of FIFA after that. My mom was like the original fake news. Good to see everyone here, man.

that. My mom was like the original fake news. Good to see everyone here, man.

And I think collectively as people, we all been through a lot in the last few years, man. You

know, and we made it out. We made it out. We're better for it, you know. I

feel like I mentally aged like 20 years. Like the first day I walked outside, for some reason, I just walked out like an old Chinese man. I just came out my house like this.

[Applause] I was wearing flip flops and a puffer vest. My outfit made no sense. My feet were cold, chest sweat. My posture looked like [ __ ] but

sense. My feet were cold, chest sweat. My posture looked like [ __ ] but I was still judging everyone. I just

like I'm an old man now. I don't even like going outside anymore. All my

friends, they back to normal, right? They're like, "Oh, Jimmy, you want to go to Coachilla?" I'm like, "Nah no

to Coachilla?" I'm like, "Nah no seats." That doesn't look fun to me. 6 hours standing in the desert. [ __ ]

seats." That doesn't look fun to me. 6 hours standing in the desert. [ __ ] that. You see all these kids like with their Instagram post, you know? It's

that. You see all these kids like with their Instagram post, you know? It's

always like people just like jumping around dancing and then all these buff dudes got like girls on their shoulder. I'm like, "Dude, you're not even going to concert. You're doing CrossFit. How's that fun? The only concert I've been to this year,

to concert. You're doing CrossFit. How's that fun? The only concert I've been to this year, I took my girlfriend to a Don Mlan concert. Yeah. You guys know who that is? Yeah.

Couple people. Thank you. Thank you. Don Mlan, for you guys that don't know, sang the song Bye-Bye Miss American Pie. Yeah, he's old as [ __ ] dude. He's 77 years old and so was his

audience. It was my favorite concert I've ever been to. on a ticket. It says

audience. It was my favorite concert I've ever been to. on a ticket. It says

the show started at 8, start at 7:59. He didn't had an opener, you know. He just came on stage with a guitar and started

7:59. He didn't had an opener, you know. He just came on stage with a guitar and started singing. It was awesome. Nobody stood up to like obstruct my view because

singing. It was awesome. Nobody stood up to like obstruct my view because frankly, everyone had a bad hip. It's great. Still got home in time to watch the 10:00 evening news. That's my kind of evening. You know what I mean? I don't like going outside

anymore. Too many crazy people, too many weirdos. One time I went to this dive

anymore. Too many crazy people, too many weirdos. One time I went to this dive bar in a military town, San Diego. Big military town. I love my military. Okay.

But I think sometimes Yeah. Yeah. But I think sometimes military people get a little too passionate, you know. Thank you. Thank you. Exactly my point right there. Thank

you. I love military, but they're just too passionate. Like I was at a dive bar. This one military brother came up to me who was just like, "Hey man, I want to buy you a drink.

bar. This one military brother came up to me who was just like, "Hey man, I want to buy you a drink.

I'm like, "No, no, thank you. I can I can buy my own drink. Thank you." He's like, "No, I want to buy your drink." So, at this point, I thought either he wanted to take a selfie or he wanted to [ __ ] me. So, I'm like, "No, sir. I think I can buy my own drink." And then he

started telling me his whole life story. He's like, "You don't understand. I want

to buy you a drink because I was stationed in Okinawa 4 years and you guys have been nothing but nice to

[Applause] me. I'm like, "You guys, you guys, Okinawa is in Japan. I'm Chinese,

[Applause] me. I'm like, "You guys, you guys, Okinawa is in Japan. I'm Chinese,

sir." And he's like, "It doesn't matter, man. It doesn't even matter."

I'm like, "Sir, I think it does matter, right? I'm pretty sure the only reason you was stationed in Japan was to keep an eye out on Chinese people like me. It does matter." He was like, "It doesn't even matter, man. I still love patai."

me. It does matter." He was like, "It doesn't even matter, man. I still love patai."

Okay. Maybe that guy run into BTS on his next tour. Who knows?

My point of saying all of this is Asian people, we don't all look alike. We

don't all sound alike, you know? We don't even we don't do anything alike.

We're just people, you know, right? Like everybody's different. Thank you, white lady. Thank you. Thank you. One white lady. Appreciate it. Thank you. She

lady. Thank you. Thank you. One white lady. Appreciate it. Thank you. She

teaches Magna School down the street. A lot of Asian students. So, tonight I want to offer you guys an advanced lesson. on how to

students. So, tonight I want to offer you guys an advanced lesson. on how to tell Asian people apart. Okay. Yeah, that's right. I'm so good at telling Asian people apart, I don't even need to look at you. I can tell you what kind of

Asian somebody is by the sound they make when they disappointed. Cuz disappointment is our strongest emotion. Whenever we get

disappointed. Cuz disappointment is our strongest emotion. Whenever we get disappointed, our ancestor just comes out and you can't hide that. You

know, like for example, I'm Chinese. I know Chinese people very well. Okay.

When Chinese people get disappointed, we're just disgusted. We don't want to look at you. When you disappoint a Chinese person, they just like like they just walked into a smoky room and they got to clear it. Just

like, see, that's Chinese people. Japanese people. When Japanese people get disappointed, they just want to know why. They ask you a question. When a

Japanese person get disappointed, they just like hey, and that's it. You ain't going to disappoint a Korean person. I wouldn't recommend that. This Korean brother might [ __ ] you up. Okay. Korean people are intense.

that. This Korean brother might [ __ ] you up. Okay. Korean people are intense.

They ready to fight, but they're my favorite type of people because they're very emotionally honest. A Korean person will let you know when they disappointed. They're real guttural with it. You know what I mean? When you

disappointed. They're real guttural with it. You know what I mean? When you

disappoint a Korean person, they're like, but they're still very Asian, so they're still real polite. They'll thank

you with that. They're like,

"Oh, I don't even speak Korean, but I watch Squid Games, right? Love that show." See,

that's great representation. Number one TV show in the world, man. And they just spoke their native tongue. That's representation right there, man. I'm

proud of it. I'm proud of it. That's right. That's right. But I'm most proud of the fact that I finally have an easy Halloween costume. Some of you guys don't

understand a struggle for an Asian guy when it comes to Halloween. Our outfits

are limited. I was Bruce Lee for 6 years. But this last year, I had the best Halloween costume. All I did, I

years. But this last year, I had the best Halloween costume. All I did, I went to Amazon, got like a matching like tracksuit, put three numbers on my chest, and I found myself an Indian friend. It was [Applause] like, it was such a great Squid Game

costume. Somebody came up to me, he's like, "Oh my god, you look just like the girl in Squid

costume. Somebody came up to me, he's like, "Oh my god, you look just like the girl in Squid Games." I was like, "Oh, Shiva, proud of all the representation

Games." I was like, "Oh, Shiva, proud of all the representation out there, man. That's right. Have you guys seen the show Silicon Valley? Oh, thank you. Thank

you. Thank you. That was my first big break, man. I was so grateful to be a part of that show, but that was a few years ago and I always felt like I was the only Asian person representing, right? I felt so much weight on my

shoulder. Like every year we got very lucky. We get nominated for an Emmy, so

shoulder. Like every year we got very lucky. We get nominated for an Emmy, so we get to go to a great ceremony. But every year we knew we're going to lose because all the good shows have front row seats. You know, VEP, Game of

Thrones are all here. We're way the [ __ ] in the back by the exit sign. But it's okay. Win or lose, I was there to represent. I made sure I made

sign. But it's okay. Win or lose, I was there to represent. I made sure I made my round. Say hi to everyone so they know there's Asian presence, you

my round. Say hi to everyone so they know there's Asian presence, you know. That's right. So, one year, one year after we lost, everybody left. I

know. That's right. So, one year, one year after we lost, everybody left. I

walked down the front row to say hi to some of my favorite actors and I saw some of I'm like, "Oh my god, that's that's Amelia Clark. That's Khesi.

That's Jon Snow over there." You know, and then there's Rachel Brashnahan. Do you guys know who she is? I love her. She plays the marvelous Miss Masel. Great show, right? It's an

is? I love her. She plays the marvelous Miss Masel. Great show, right? It's an

awesome show. And I did a movie with her a few years ago. So, I decided to say hi. I was like, "Oh my god, Rachel, it's so great to see you. Congratulations on

hi. I was like, "Oh my god, Rachel, it's so great to see you. Congratulations on

everything." And she was like, "Oh, okay." I'm like, "Okay." She probably just forgot who I was. I'm like, "Look, we did a movie like 6 years ago called Patriots Day. You were awesome in that movie. I just want to congratulate you

Patriots Day. You were awesome in that movie. I just want to congratulate you on everything you've done so far." And she was like, "Oh, yeah, sure." And I'm like, "Oh, really? Is the marvelous Miss Masel a

really? Is the marvelous Miss Masel a bitch?" But I wasn't going to act out of pocket. I was there to

bitch?" But I wasn't going to act out of pocket. I was there to represent. So, I was very nice. I was just like, "Oh, it's okay. He just don't

represent. So, I was very nice. I was just like, "Oh, it's okay. He just don't remember." Um, anyways, I just want to congratulate you for all the nominations

remember." Um, anyways, I just want to congratulate you for all the nominations are marvelous, Miss Masel. You're awesome. And she was like, "Oh, I'm not Rachel

Brashahan. I'm Evan Rachel Wood from Westworld." And I was like, "Holy [ __ ] I'm the racist person

Brashahan. I'm Evan Rachel Wood from Westworld." And I was like, "Holy [ __ ] I'm the racist person here. I think all white people look alike. Everybody in the front row was judging

here. I think all white people look alike. Everybody in the front row was judging me. Jon Stone was staring me down. I'm like, "You're a bastard. You can't even

me. Jon Stone was staring me down. I'm like, "You're a bastard. You can't even stare." And I didn't know what to do, right? I was profusely sweating. My face

stare." And I didn't know what to do, right? I was profusely sweating. My face

was flush red. So, I was just like, "Oh my god, I am so sorry." But either way, it's so nice to meet you. My name is Aquafina. And then I just That's right. That's why it's good to have other representation out

there. Asian people, we don't all look alike until we need to. I got a girlfriend now. Thank

there. Asian people, we don't all look alike until we need to. I got a girlfriend now. Thank

you. I love her very much, man. She's an amazing person. She's very successful.

My girlfriend's a venture capitalist. Yeah. [ __ ] jackpot, right? You

know, it's great. It's great. Uh, for you guys that don't know what a venture capital means, uh, it means that I'm the poorest person she knows. And what that really means is I'm her sugar baby. So, it's great. That's right. That's right. Gender equality.

That's what I'm talking about. It's time for men to get taken care of. That's

right. See that brother high-fiving his girl? Appreciate you, man. Fellow sugar

baby. Come on. That's right. That's right. I love her, man. I'm trying to I'm trying to be a better boyfriend. I'm new to this like boyfriend stuff, right?

I used to take everything so personally. Like every time we get into a fight, I'm like, "Babe, why you why you mad at me. I'm the perfect boyfriend." Wrong

answer. Fellas, fellas, if your girl's mad at you, you can't take that [ __ ] personally because it's not even about you. She doesn't even know what she's mad

about. You just happen to be there. You know what I mean? You're a victim of circumstance man.

about. You just happen to be there. You know what I mean? You're a victim of circumstance man.

So, it's not your job to engage in an argument. It's your job to diffuse the situation. You got to jiu-jitsu that [ __ ] until you get to the bottom of the real

situation. You got to jiu-jitsu that [ __ ] until you get to the bottom of the real prom. Like the other week, she was mad at me about something. She was like,

prom. Like the other week, she was mad at me about something. She was like, "Babe, I feel like we don't even like go on date nights anymore." I'm like, "Okay, I hear you, but what's really going

[Applause] on?" And she's like, "Well, sometimes I feel like you like hanging out your

[Applause] on?" And she's like, "Well, sometimes I feel like you like hanging out your buddies more than you like hanging out with me." And I'm like, "Okay, I hear

you, but what's really going on?" And then she takes a deep breath and she was like, "Remember last week of my birthday, Heather brought a cousin and she didn't know my name." I was like, "See, that's your problem right

there. Ain't got nothing to do with me." Heather cousin's a [ __ ] you know.

there. Ain't got nothing to do with me." Heather cousin's a [ __ ] you know.

[ __ ] her, man. Let's focus our energy on her. Trying to be a better communicator, man. My girl always wants me to talk about my feelings. She's like, "Babe, I

man. My girl always wants me to talk about my feelings. She's like, "Babe, I wish you'd talk about your feelings more." I'm like, "I feel fine." What more do you want me to say?

I don't know. I'm not that emotionally involved. I don't know what else. I'm

fine. But don't keep asking me that. Cuz the fifth time you ask me that, I might not be fine. The fifth time you ask me that [ __ ] some dark [ __ ] is going to come

fine. The fifth time you ask me that [ __ ] some dark [ __ ] is going to come out. It's like, "Babe, how are you feeling?" I don't know. Why I'm angry

out. It's like, "Babe, how are you feeling?" I don't know. Why I'm angry all the time? Because my dad yelled at me after ping pong practice. See, guys

and girls were just different, man. Girls are so emotionally evolved. You

know, we even hang out different. One night, I came home early. My girl was having a girls night at the house. I've never seen anything like that. The TV was off. Seven girls

sitting in a circle making direct eye contact with each other. Every candle in the house was lit. And I walked by, I'm like, "What is this witchcraft?" And I just backed into my own

lit. And I walked by, I'm like, "What is this witchcraft?" And I just backed into my own room. Fellas, we hang out different guys. When we hang out, we sit in a straight

room. Fellas, we hang out different guys. When we hang out, we sit in a straight line. TV on full blast. Zero eye contact with each other. My girl came home early. She was

line. TV on full blast. Zero eye contact with each other. My girl came home early. She was

so confused. She's like, "Babe, you guys didn't talk for like 6 hours." I'm like, "Yeah, isn't that [ __ ] [Applause] awesome? That's us. That's guys." But in a relationship, it's

important to speak the same language. My girl asked me, she was like, "Babe, what's your love language?" I'm like, "What?" She's like, you know, your love

language?" I'm like, "What?" She's like, you know, your love language, like how do you convey love to your partners and loved ones? Like, for

example, a love language could be words of affirmation. Like, words of affirmation? I was raised by Asian parents. I've never heard one word of affirmation in my

affirmation? I was raised by Asian parents. I've never heard one word of affirmation in my life. Nobody ever told me, "Jimmy, you're so great. You can do it." They're

life. Nobody ever told me, "Jimmy, you're so great. You can do it." They're

like, "Don't [ __ ] it up. Their love language is verbal abuse. I'm trying to figure out what my love language is. Physical touch, right?

abuse. I'm trying to figure out what my love language is. Physical touch, right?

It's another love language. Nobody touched me until I was 22. I'm not familiar with that. What are some other love languages? I like I like every woman just screaming

that. What are some other love languages? I like I like every woman just screaming out at their fun act of service. Gift

[Applause] giving. I think gift giving is a good one. Okay. I love giving gifts to my girl. She loves giving gifts to me. We love that, right? Like for example, I

girl. She loves giving gifts to me. We love that, right? Like for example, I love buying my girl shoes. She loves shoes and we wear the same shoe size.

the perfect gift for the whole family. You know what I mean? These are her shoes tonight. You know, fits me perfect. That's right. And in return, I

shoes tonight. You know, fits me perfect. That's right. And in return, I let her wear all of my Jordans. Yeah, guys. You guys know that's love cuz Jordans to guys, that's our most prized possession. If we let you slip into our

Jordans, that's like you letting us slip in to you. You know, same thing.

But sometimes sometimes I get a little nervous because her feet's a little dirty.

Okay. And she's a white girl, so her feet extra dirty. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. White people, I don't know what the [ __ ] you guys do with your feet all

know. White people, I don't know what the [ __ ] you guys do with your feet all day. You guys just barefoot all the time frolicking around like Jenny from Forest Gump. You

day. You guys just barefoot all the time frolicking around like Jenny from Forest Gump. You

know, white people, you guys got some strong ass feet, man. Just 120° outside. Hot cement. Just

like y'all got some hunter gatherer feet. See, every culture, we got different feet etiquette. All right.

feet. See, every culture, we got different feet etiquette. All right.

White people want to get in touch with Mother Earth. That's great. Black people, on the other hand, I live with a black roommate for six years. Never saw his toes once.

He came out the shower with socks on, man. I'm like, "What the You got a sock drawer on there, brother?" Asian people, you guys know the rule when you come into the house,

brother?" Asian people, you guys know the rule when you come into the house, you take your shoes off, right? You're like, "We all know that." Yeah.

Yeah. But our but our feet actually never touch the floor. Cuz when you take a shoes off at the house, we got two pair of house shoes ready for you. And

then when you walk outside, we got two pair of Crocs ready for you.

And then when you come back in the bedroom, we got two other pair of slippers that we stole from a hotel in Vegas. We ready? Our feet never touch the floor. We got baby soft

Vegas. We ready? Our feet never touch the floor. We got baby soft feet. I think Asian people, our most natural love language is acts of

feet. I think Asian people, our most natural love language is acts of service, right? That's what our parents did to us. They might never say I love

service, right? That's what our parents did to us. They might never say I love you, but they did a lot of nice things for us. Every every night, I don't care how busy my parents were, they'll come home and make a five course meal. That's

love right there. Right. Yeah. Give it up for Yeah. Give it up. That's right.

In our culture, food is love. I love cooking for my girl. We love cooking together. Food is love. That's why I hate watching all these reality cooking

together. Food is love. That's why I hate watching all these reality cooking shows where they make food so freaking stressful. Like all these guys with aggressive tattoos and they just sweating it in the kitchen. They're

like, "Yes, chef. Yes, chef. 2 minutes. 2 minutes is still raw. It's still raw."

And they just making [ __ ] scallops. There's two items on the menu and they can't handle that [ __ ] You go to any Chinese restaurant, there's about 485 items on the

menu. And there's one dude back there in the kitchen. He's not a chef. He's

menu. And there's one dude back there in the kitchen. He's not a chef. He's

somebody's uncle from Hong Kong. [Applause] and he knows how to make everything in under 30 seconds. That guy's the real hero. You know what I mean? In a

relationship, I think it's important to know how you convey love, but it's just as important to know how you receive love. You got to be vulnerable and let your partner do nice things for you. See, I'm not very good at that. I I'm

terrible at like directly asking for things that I want. So, instead, I just drop little hints. That's called being passive aggressive. Don't do that. Don't do that. Like for

hints. That's called being passive aggressive. Don't do that. Don't do that. Like for

example, I love watching these YouTube videos of Japanese housewives making bento boxes. It's very nice, very cute. It's like a little ASMR, you know, and it's

boxes. It's very nice, very cute. It's like a little ASMR, you know, and it's just really nice. This Japanese woman wakes up at 6:00 a.m. every day to make her working husband a bento box. But I can't ask my venture capitalist

girlfriend to make me a bento box. I'm not an idiot. I'm a sugar baby. I know my role. So instead of asking it directly, I just drop little hints like we'll be

role. So instead of asking it directly, I just drop little hints like we'll be sitting on the couch together. I just pull out my phone and pretend I

accidentally stumbled onto this video. I'm like, "Oh, what is this? Bento

boxes? Oh my god, it's so cute. What is that? Like a rice ball shaped like a panda? Look, look, look, look." Wow. Oh, so she makes this every day for

panda? Look, look, look, look." Wow. Oh, so she makes this every day for him. Wow. She must love him so

him. Wow. She must love him so much. I thought I was being slick until she came out to one of my shows and she heard this

much. I thought I was being slick until she came out to one of my shows and she heard this joke and she was really upset, man. And rightfully so. I was just up here talking [ __ ] right? We went home, we got into a big fight. She was like,

"Babe, that's [ __ ] okay? if you want me to do something, why don't you just ask me directly? And if you really want somebody to make you bento boxes, why don't you just go find a Japanese woman? I'm like, babe, I'm I'm I'm sorry

you feel that way. Uh, okay. But I think you're missing the point. You don't have to be Japanese to make bento

boxing. That's right. That's right. So now I'm making her bento boxes every day. It's how I show my

boxing. That's right. That's right. So now I'm making her bento boxes every day. It's how I show my love. You got to love the people around you. You got to be nice to the people

love. You got to love the people around you. You got to be nice to the people around you, your partner, your family, your friends. You got to keep your day ones around, man. You know, everybody when I was coming up in the game, they

gave me this advice. They're like, "Hey, Jimmy, you want to be successful? hang

out with successful people because birds of a feather flock together. That's

right, man. That's right. You guys heard this before, right? It's [ __ ] [ __ ] Okay, successful people are so boring. I hung out with successful people. They

got successful job. They got successful family. They don't have time to hang out your mediocre ass. So, my real advice to everyone is to find yourself more loser

ass. So, my real advice to everyone is to find yourself more loser friends. That's right. That's right. That's right. I see some of you guys

friends. That's right. That's right. That's right. I see some of you guys clapping. The ones that are not, you're probably the loser friend, which is fine. I love you. I love

clapping. The ones that are not, you're probably the loser friend, which is fine. I love you. I love

you. I love all my friends, man. Oh, my day. Once I used to live in a one-bedroom apartment with three comedians. Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that. I was proud of that. It was all good. They still my close friends.

with that. I was proud of that. It was all good. They still my close friends.

One of my best friends, his name is Guam. Guam Felix. Yeah, he's a comedian.

Uh he's named after the island he was born on. Guam. Like, you know, you kind of hood when you name after the island you were born on. Like, if I came out tonight and they introduced me as Hong Kong

Jimmy, I'll probably be selling drugs outside, you know what I mean? But Guam's one of my greatest friends, man. He's just a good dude. He's just a happy go-around guy, you

friends, man. He's just a good dude. He's just a happy go-around guy, you know? He trashed in my living room for months. And I asked him like, "Hey,

know? He trashed in my living room for months. And I asked him like, "Hey, Guam, you got any plans? You going to go get a job or something?" He was like, "Nah, dog. I want to get on that government disability, homie." And I'm like, "Okay, are you

dog. I want to get on that government disability, homie." And I'm like, "Okay, are you disabled?" He was like, "Yeah, I think so, dog. I threw on my back when I was

disabled?" He was like, "Yeah, I think so, dog. I threw on my back when I was 19, homie." I'm like, "Okay, you 42 right now. I don't think that's going to work out for

19, homie." I'm like, "Okay, you 42 right now. I don't think that's going to work out for you." See, Guam is great. He lives by the creed where anything good that

you." See, Guam is great. He lives by the creed where anything good that happens to him, he makes sure to thank God, right? That's great. And anything

bad that happens to him, he makes sure to blame the government.

It's a great way to live that when you take zero personal responsibility. Like he'll say [ __ ] like, "Oh, damn. They gave me a speeding ticket and took away my license, dog."

You see, that's how the government [ __ ] you. I'm like, "No, I'm pretty sure that's how you [ __ ] yourself." And then on the positive side, he'll say things like, "I just

yourself." And then on the positive side, he'll say things like, "I just want to thank God cuz he let me stay with you, dog." I'm like, "No, you should thank me [ __ ]

I let you stay with [Music] me. But I love Guam, man. He's just a happy golucky guy. Doesn't have a lot of ambition in life. His dream in life is to win the

lottery. His catchphrase is when I win the lottery. D. But he doesn't have good goals for

lottery. His catchphrase is when I win the lottery. D. But he doesn't have good goals for when he does win the lottery cuz he'll say [ __ ] like when I win the lottery. We

going to the buffet, dog. I'm like, boy, we do that right now, bro. But Guan was a man of his word. Not only would he buy lottery tickets, he

bro. But Guan was a man of his word. Not only would he buy lottery tickets, he stood in line in every single game show in LA to try to win his lottery. And he

finally got on this game show called Let's Make a Deal. Have you guys seen that? Yes. The show that comes on hosted by Wayne Brady before the Price is

that? Yes. The show that comes on hosted by Wayne Brady before the Price is Right. But in order to get on that show, you have to wear a costume. And Guam is

Right. But in order to get on that show, you have to wear a costume. And Guam is like a big Pacific Islander brother. So his costume options were limited. He could either be

Moana or The Rock, you know. So he decided to make his own costume. He cut

up a blue bed sheet, draped it over his body, and then he got a Chinese rice patty hat and he just wore it. I'm like, "What the [ __ ] What? already dressed up as Ho Chi

Min or some [ __ ] He was like, "No, dog. I master Raiden for Mortal Kombat, homie. This is a true story. He went on national TV dressed up as Master

homie. This is a true story. He went on national TV dressed up as Master Raiden." And this is actually an inspirational story. He actually won.

Raiden." And this is actually an inspirational story. He actually won.

Yeah. He won the big deal of the day. It was a $5,000 living room set, which was perfect for my living room. But he dreamed big. He wanted to

win his big prize. So, he traded it in for the super deal of the week. I'm like, this [ __ ] idiot. He traded it in for one out of three chance to win $50,000 cash. One of

idiot. He traded it in for one out of three chance to win $50,000 cash. One of

the biggest prizes on a show ever. And he won. That was his lottery. His dream came true. I was watching TV. It was the most magical moment. Money start falling down

true. I was watching TV. It was the most magical moment. Money start falling down on his rice patty hat and he was so happy. He started doing jumping jacks and [ __ ] and start swimming in the pool of money. And I was watching. I'm like,

I knew this [ __ ] is not disabled. Look at him. He's very capable. They start crying on national TV. He was so happy. And Wayne Brady was like, Guam, congratulations. what are

TV. He was so happy. And Wayne Brady was like, Guam, congratulations. what are

you going to do with that $50,000? And he was like, we go to the buffet, dog, right? That's a good friend, man. That's why you keep your friends around. He

right? That's a good friend, man. That's why you keep your friends around. He

went from the biggest loser I knew to the biggest winner I knew. Took care of all his boys. Took us to a lot of buffets. He even took us to the fanciest

restaurant he knew, Bua de Beepo. It was awesome. He was polling.

But that money didn't last long. That 50 grand lasted about 3 months. And not only that, he didn't pay any taxes on it. So now he owes the IRS

months. And not only that, he didn't pay any taxes on it. So now he owes the IRS another 20 on top of that [ __ ] I'm like, "Wam, this is horrible. You're

worse off than you ever were." And all he said to me was like, "See, that's how the government [ __ ] you, dog.

That's right. Keep your close friends around and save you money, people. That's why I only like watching real people game shows. I hate watching

people. That's why I only like watching real people game shows. I hate watching celebrity family feud cuz they always make the celebrity choose a charity and donate money. I'm like, some of us want to keep our money, man. Hey, look, I

donate money. I'm like, some of us want to keep our money, man. Hey, look, I know I sound like a bad person, okay? But I love helping people. I love the concept of donating

money. I just can't do it. I want to, but my mom wouldn't let me. Every time I even just think about

money. I just can't do it. I want to, but my mom wouldn't let me. Every time I even just think about donating money, she comes out of nowhere. She's like, "Who who are you

donating to?" I'm like, "Mom, I don't know. Like, Save the Children

donating to?" I'm like, "Mom, I don't know. Like, Save the Children Foundation." She's like, "You don't even know those children. Children can be horrible.

Foundation." She's like, "You don't even know those children. Children can be horrible.

Okay, fine, mom. I'll donate to help the hospitals like feed a hospital.com to help out all the nurses and doctors. And she was say, "Okay, Jimmy.

Okay, the doctors make more money than you. They should donate to you, okay? I

make a website, feed a comedian.com right now." She just guilt trips me, you know. You donate to anyone, you donate to

now." She just guilt trips me, you know. You donate to anyone, you donate to me. I give a burst to you. Okay. Can you imagine? I'm on Family

me. I give a burst to you. Okay. Can you imagine? I'm on Family Feud. Steve's like, "Jimmy, what charity are you playing for?" feed comedian.com.

Feud. Steve's like, "Jimmy, what charity are you playing for?" feed comedian.com.

Um, all proceeds go to my mom. My mom's so tight with my money, she wouldn't even let me buy her something nice. For last birthday, I bought her a nice iPad. Brand new iPad.

something nice. For last birthday, I bought her a nice iPad. Brand new iPad.

I thought I was a good Asian son, right? And my mom's like, "Oh, no. It's too

expensive." I'm like, "Mom, it's okay. We can afford it. Just just enjoy the iPad." She was like, "No, Jimmy. Please return it. Return it and just give me the

iPad." She was like, "No, Jimmy. Please return it. Return it and just give me the cash. We're practical. It's about the bottom line. See, we live in a very frivolous

cash. We're practical. It's about the bottom line. See, we live in a very frivolous society, man. Everybody loves to brag about how much [ __ ] they have, how much

society, man. Everybody loves to brag about how much [ __ ] they have, how much money they make. We all brag. We're all guilty of this. We all just do it in subtle different ways. Like white people, for example. White people never

brag about how much money they got. They always just brag about how expensive their life is. Like, oh, Joey just started private school. It's so expensive and our remodel is totally

is. Like, oh, Joey just started private school. It's so expensive and our remodel is totally going over budget. Oh, and you wouldn't believe how much money we spent going to

Fiji. I'm like, "Okay, Katie, I see your life." Okay. It's a luxurious. Good for you.

Fiji. I'm like, "Okay, Katie, I see your life." Okay. It's a luxurious. Good for you.

Okay. Black people, on the other hand, a lot more straightforward. Black people

just tell you exactly how much money they spent on something. It's great. You

guys seen it? Like my black friends or even like rappers, right? They love to brag. They're like, "This car 80,000, my mama's house 500,000. This chain a million dollars."

brag. They're like, "This car 80,000, my mama's house 500,000. This chain a million dollars."

Man, I'm like, "Okay, you clearly don't have your priorities straight." But I appreciate the honesty. People love to brag about how much money they spend. Asian people, on

honesty. People love to brag about how much money they spend. Asian people, on the other hand, we do the exact opposite. We love to brag about how

little money we spent on some [ __ ] because the art is in the savings. You never pay full

price. Like my mom, her catchphrase is guess how much. Guess how much. Yeah, that's our

price. Like my mom, her catchphrase is guess how much. Guess how much. Yeah, that's our people. You guys ever play guess how much? My mom would come home with

people. You guys ever play guess how much? My mom would come home with something new like a watch. She'll be like, "Jimmy, Jimmy, guess how much?

Guess how much. I'm like, "Mom, I don't know. It's a very nice watch. Like

$5,000." And she was like, "No." It's $200. Jimmy, my house. My house. This

house. Guess how much. Guess how much. I'm like, "Mom, I don't know. You live

in a very nice house. Like a million dollars." She was like, "No, it's half off. Someone died in it.

And if you know the rules of the game, you always guess high. So you make the other person feel good about their purchases. Never guess too low. If you

ever guess too low, that's the ultimate insult to an Asian person.

Okay. One time my mom came home with some new shoes. I guess too low. I've

never seen her so disappointed in me. She's like, "Jimmy, Jimmy, guess how much? Guess how much." I'm like, "Mom, I don't know. very nice shoes like $200. She was

much? Guess how much." I'm like, "Mom, I don't know. very nice shoes like $200. She was

like, "Do you even know about shoes? These are $500 Jimmy shoes." Okay. Better Jimmy than you. That's how we prank people. You got to love it, man. I used to be embarrassed about all these

you. That's how we prank people. You got to love it, man. I used to be embarrassed about all these things. I thought my mom was cheap. She spoke with an accent. She made me

things. I thought my mom was cheap. She spoke with an accent. She made me Chinese food. But when I got older, I realized it's all those things that made

Chinese food. But when I got older, I realized it's all those things that made me different is what makes me interesting now. The tide has turned, man. Everybody want to be more Asian. I'm telling you. Yeah, that's right. Everybody want to be

man. Everybody want to be more Asian. I'm telling you. Yeah, that's right. Everybody want to be BTS. Everybody want to eat Shaolong Pa. And every parent I know is trying to

BTS. Everybody want to eat Shaolong Pa. And every parent I know is trying to send their kid to Chinese immersion school. just in case we take over this [ __ ] You know what I mean? Got to be proud, man. You got to be proud of how you grew up. Got to be

mean? Got to be proud, man. You got to be proud of how you grew up. Got to be proud of your parents, right? I'm a good Asian kid. I'm great to my parents. I'll

never ever disrespect them in front of them. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm so proud of my Asian people. There's so much excellence out there going on. A lot of people representing. It's never been a better time to be

going on. A lot of people representing. It's never been a better time to be Asian. I say this every year. I know. But truly, this is our time. I

Asian. I say this every year. I know. But truly, this is our time. I

mean, come on. We got BTS now. Come on. That's us. That's our people. They doing

it. I'm so proud of man. Biggest band in the world probably ever since the Backstreet Boys. And they don't even have to speak English. I love my BTS, man. Even white

Backstreet Boys. And they don't even have to speak English. I love my BTS, man. Even white

people know BTS now. That's progress. That's progress. I had a 15-y old white kid come up to me trying to explain to me the different members of BTS. He was

like, "Oh, this is Jung Cook. He's kind of like the lead singer and that's Jim.

He's really cool and he also raps." I'm like, "Dude, they look the same to me." I didn't want to say it. I couldn't say it as an Asian person, but they all

me." I didn't want to say it. I couldn't say it as an Asian person, but they all just look like me with pink hair. I can turn the whole show to a BTS

concert right now. All right. Yeah. This is This is Jimmy. This is Jim right here. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. Smooth

here. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. Smooth

like butter. No, I'm not I'm I'm not going to do that. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that. I love my people, man. I love BTS. You guys probably heard in the news they

that. I love my people, man. I love BTS. You guys probably heard in the news they got to go to mandatory Korean army, right? the most popular people in the world. They got to go sign up for Korean military. That's some gangster

world. They got to go sign up for Korean military. That's some gangster [ __ ] Imagine how scared you'll be when you encounter BTS on the battlefield.

You're in battle. You're already kind of shook. You're in a field of grass and a little puff of pink hair just pops up. You're like, "Yo, what the [ __ ] was that? Is that a unicorn?" And then six more pink hair pop up. You're like, "We're surrounded."

unicorn?" And then six more pink hair pop up. You're like, "We're surrounded."

And the last thing you see is just this. I see some of you guys still wearing your mask. I still wear my mask. No shame in that, right? It's all good.

It's all good. I wear my mask not because I think I'm going to get sick, but because I just don't want to talk to anybody anymore. But I'm still surprised when people come up to me, they're like, "Oh my god, Jimmy." I'm like, "How did you

know? How did you know? How many other Asian guys did you go up to before it happened to be

know? How did you know? How many other Asian guys did you go up to before it happened to be me? You don't know. You don't know. Underneath this mask, I could be

me? You don't know. You don't know. Underneath this mask, I could be Aquafina. You don't know. Look, I'm not saying that all Asian people look alike,

Aquafina. You don't know. Look, I'm not saying that all Asian people look alike, okay? I'm just saying that me and Aquafina look alike and we both look like we should be in

okay? I'm just saying that me and Aquafina look alike and we both look like we should be in BTS. Love all the representation out there, man. But it's not just

BTS. Love all the representation out there, man. But it's not just celebrities. I'm very proud of the everyday people out there representing.

celebrities. I'm very proud of the everyday people out there representing.

That's the important part. You know what I mean? No, no, no. I'm very happy for this one particular person. I'm really happy for that old Chinese lady in Chinatown who's

particular person. I'm really happy for that old Chinese lady in Chinatown who's been wearing a mask since 1995. Her life just suddenly made sense. Before the mass mandate,

everybody looked at her like, "Why is she wearing a mask? That's so

random." She's not random. She's a [ __ ] trailblazer. Okay, she started wearing a mask. Now everybody has to wear a mask. She's like the Kendall Jenner of Chinatown. She must have been so happy when this mask mandate happened, just

Chinatown. She must have been so happy when this mask mandate happened, just laughing at everyone. It's like, "Look at you idiots. I told you to put on a mask."

Now the CDC follows me. She was prepared. She didn't just have a mask. She had gloves on from when she's driving. She had the full face shield that comes down looking like da

she's driving. She had the full face shield that comes down looking like da punk. Asian people, we're ready for this [ __ ] Social distancing. We've been doing that for

punk. Asian people, we're ready for this [ __ ] Social distancing. We've been doing that for centuries. We don't like all that hugging and touching and all that. You

centuries. We don't like all that hugging and touching and all that. You

know, when we see each other, just a nice bow. That is that is socially dist.

If you're really Asian, you ever see two really Asian people, it turns into a bowing contest to see who's more respectful, to see who can bow lower and more away from each other until you just fold it in half and you go

home. That's social distancing, people. A lot of people in this country,

home. That's social distancing, people. A lot of people in this country, Americans, you know, like we're not ready for this. All the rules, we're rebels, man. We don't like following rules. People are like freaking out.

rebels, man. We don't like following rules. People are like freaking out.

They're like mess mandate. No. I'm like, "Dude, it's just a mask. Just

put on a mask." They're like, "It's not just a mask. It's the government." Yeah, it's the government fear-mongering. I'm like, "What is that?" They're like, "Yeah, it's

fear-mongering. I'm like, "What is that?" They're like, "Yeah, it's fear-mongering. They want you to be scared of everything, so you're obedient

fear-mongering. They want you to be scared of everything, so you're obedient and you're scared and you follow the rules." I'm like, "Oh, that's called fear-mongering." Then my mom must have invented fearmongering.

fear-mongering." Then my mom must have invented fearmongering.

I didn't even know that's what it's called. I want to give you guys a quick update on my dad. Yeah. Richard Oang. Yeah. The superstar of the family.

Yeah. I talked about in my last special. He became an actor, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Not because he loves the art. It's because it's so easy. You can do it.

I But now he's doing great. He's very successful. Okay. He got his whole life turned around. He got out of retirement. is a full-time actor now and now he wants to be an

turned around. He got out of retirement. is a full-time actor now and now he wants to be an influencer. He just started his own IG account which is just a nightmare cuz

influencer. He just started his own IG account which is just a nightmare cuz old people I feel like they mean well. Okay, like my dad he means well but he just doesn't know how it works. Like his first post on Instagram is a very nice

post. A beautiful picture of the sky, palm trees, birds flying by. I'm like,

post. A beautiful picture of the sky, palm trees, birds flying by. I'm like,

"Oh, this is nice." And I scrolled down to the caption and he wrote all lives matter. I'm like that what the [ __ ] man. Like you don't even know what that

matter. I'm like that what the [ __ ] man. Like you don't even know what that means. Why would you write that? It was like I know my life of matter, your life

means. Why would you write that? It was like I know my life of matter, your life matter. The person's life of matter. Okay. Or life of matter. I'm like that is not what it

matter. The person's life of matter. Okay. Or life of matter. I'm like that is not what it means. I made him put his account on private. Okay, just like a good tiger parent

means. I made him put his account on private. Okay, just like a good tiger parent would cuz we know the rules like young people we see through the scams of Instagram, right? Like for example, I follow a sports center. I understand the

Instagram, right? Like for example, I follow a sports center. I understand the first hund comments are all bots. They're all fake, right? Because it's

always some IG booty model saying some stupid [ __ ] like, "Uh, I want something long and hard."

And this is obviously a scam. So, one time I clicked on it just to see what's going on. You know

what I mean? Research. I just want to see. I just want to get to the bottom of it. So, I clicked on it. I was like, "Oh, this is obviously a scam. It's this

it. So, I clicked on it. I was like, "Oh, this is obviously a scam. It's this

girl. She's following 7,000 people, but she only has one follower." And I clicked on one follow my dad. He's like, "My life will matter. Her life matters, too." Okay.

dad. He's like, "My life will matter. Her life matters, too." Okay.

My dad just from a different generation. He has like a weird beauty standard.

Like for us, we just say things on very surface level just like, "Oh, this person's attractive. This person's not." Right? My dad would get into the

person's attractive. This person's not." Right? My dad would get into the weeds. My dad will give you all the weird details. He'll be like, "Oh, she's

weeds. My dad will give you all the weird details. He'll be like, "Oh, she's beautiful. Very long arms. I'm like, "What are you recruiting for a

beautiful. Very long arms. I'm like, "What are you recruiting for a linebacker? What are you talking about?" I can never get a pulse on who he thinks

linebacker? What are you talking about?" I can never get a pulse on who he thinks is attractive or not. Right. One time I'm like, "Dad, oh, she's really

good-looking." And my dad was like, "No, her mouth's too close to her

good-looking." And my dad was like, "No, her mouth's too close to her nose. She can't breathe. She can't breathe." I see some of you guys looking

nose. She can't breathe. She can't breathe." I see some of you guys looking your partner like, "Is my nose too close?" And that's exactly what an Asian parent does to you, you know, make you self-conscious about [ __ ] you didn't know

about. I was very nervous to introduce my girlfriend to my dad cuz she's

about. I was very nervous to introduce my girlfriend to my dad cuz she's absolutely beautiful. But who knows if her wingspan is long enough for his

absolutely beautiful. But who knows if her wingspan is long enough for his life. I was so nervous, man, the first time I brought my girlfriend to my dad's

life. I was so nervous, man, the first time I brought my girlfriend to my dad's house. And to his credit, I want to give him credit. He actually didn't say

house. And to his credit, I want to give him credit. He actually didn't say anything crazy because for some reason when an old Chinese person sees white people, they just started acting right. Like his posture changed and

stood upright and for some reason he just came up with a British accent. Like me and my girlfriend walked in the house. He didn't say anything

accent. Like me and my girlfriend walked in the house. He didn't say anything crazy. He just looked at us. He was like, "Oh, prosperous young couple.

crazy. He just looked at us. He was like, "Oh, prosperous young couple.

And my girlfriend was so confused. It's like, "Why does your dad sound like Helen Mirren?" And I started saying all these nice things about my girl. I'm like,

Mirren?" And I started saying all these nice things about my girl. I'm like,

"Oh, dad, you know, yeah, she's she's very successful, but she's also very nice and her family, they're just great people." And my dad's like, "Good. All lives matter.

[Applause] I love my dad, man. I love my dad. He's a great dad. He's a funny guy, you know, and we did a lot of father and son bonding growing up. Like, for example,

I'm a big basketball fan. I love watching the NBA. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, I grew up a Los Angeles Clippers fan. Yeah. Because my dad was cheap. Okay. Because my

Clippers fan. Yeah. Because my dad was cheap. Okay. Because my

dad because the Lakers and the Clippers playing in the same stadium, but the Clippers tickets were half price. So my dad's like, "Never pay full price."

Never. That weren't even the most embarrassing part. The most embarrassing part was when we exited the stadium. When we exited Staple Center, there'll be hot dog street vendors out there, right? Latino brothers selling bacon

wrap hot dogs for $5. I love those things. And my dad would go up and haggle with them.

He'll go and be like, "Okay, I give you $5 for two hot dogs."

I'm like, "Dad, it's not buy one get one free at Costco. Just give him 10 bucks."

And he was like, "Shh, never pay full price." Okay, I'll give you $8 for two hot dogs. Final offer. And the guy didn't care. He's like, "No, it's $10."

hot dogs. Final offer. And the guy didn't care. He's like, "No, it's $10."

And then my dad, this is his strategy. He just announces in front of everyone.

Make sure everyone hears him. He's like, "Okay." We walk away. I'm like, "Dad, I don't care. I

don't think he cares if you walk away. Don't walk away. I'm hungry." He's like, "Jimmy, it's better to be hungry than to pay full price." And then my mom comes up behind

us with four hot dogs and she was like, "Guess how much." Thank you guys. [Applause]

us with four hot dogs and she was like, "Guess how much." Thank you guys. [Applause]