Breaking Through Loneliness: Finding Connection in a Disconnected World | Brené Brown

[Music] so let's just say it out loud loneliness sucks it's awkward it's painful and if

we're being really honest it makes us feel like we're the only ones standing outside the party while everyone else is inside laughing and clinking glasses and yet loneliness is everywhere

we are more connected than ever phones in our hands notifications buzzing hundreds of friends online and somehow we're also more disconnected than we've ever been it's like we're starving for

real connection but filling up on junk food relationships that leave us empty so today we're going to talk about breaking through loneliness not just

numbing it not just scrolling past it but actually pushing through it to build real meaningful connection in a world

that sometimes feels like it's designed to keep us apart and to do that we need to get real about five things five truths that might sting a little but

will also set us free you ready let's go a few years ago I was at this dinner party the kind where everyone seems to already know each other people were laughing clinking their glasses deep in

conversations that I was absolutely not a part of and in that moment I felt it that sharp sinking feeling of being completely invisible so naturally I did

what any emotionally evolved adult adult would do I pulled out my phone and pretended to be busy I stared at my screen like I had just received a life-changing email from Oprah herself I

wasn't busy I was hiding I was doing that thing we all do pulling back the moment we feel unseen the moment loneliness Creeps in because here's the truth loneliness isn't just the absence

of people it's the absence of being truly seen and being seen well that's terrifying see real connection requires

us to put our elves out there it asks us to walk into a room sit at a table or open our mouths and say something before we're 100% sure we be

welcomed that's hard it's risky it's vulnerable but let's talk about what happens when we don't take that risk when we choose to shrink ourselves to

stay quiet to retreat into the safety of busy and fine we don't just protect ourselves from potential rejection we also cut ourselves off from belong

belonging because belonging doesn't happen when we blend in it happens when we have the courage to let ourselves be seen awkward imperfect and

real I know I know it sounds great in theory but in practice it's messy it's uncomfortable and let's be honest it feels like walking into the middle school cafeteria all over again hoping

someone let you sit at their table so what do we do we start small we make eye contact instead of looking at our phones we ask the person next to us how's your day going instead of assuming they don't

want to talk we remind ourselves that most people aren't intentionally ignoring us they're just caught up in their own world maybe even feeling the same loneliness we are and most of all

we resist the urge to believe the lie that says you don't matter and no one wants to connect with you because that's exactly what it is a

lie that night at the dinner party I made a choice I put my phone away I took a deep breath and I turned to the person next to me and said

so do you also feel like everyone here has known each other since birth she burst out laughing and just like that I wasn't invisible anymore I was seen not

because someone magically pulled me into the conversation but because I made the choice to show up and that's where connection begins once I was sitting in a coffee shop scrolling through my phone

absolutely convinced that I was being social I was checking Instagram watching People's stories even sending a few texts so in my mind I was

connected but then I looked up the place was full of people laughing talking leaning in to share stories and I realized something that hit me like a ton of bricks I wasn't actually with

anyone I was just near people and that's when it clicked being around people isn't the same as feeling connected to people we live in a world

where we can be surrounded Ed by people 24x7 at work at the gym on social media and still feel profoundly alone and

what's worse we don't always know why we feel lonely we think how can I be lonely when I just spent the whole day around people or I have 500 people who would like my post but I don't feel like I

have anyone to call when I'm really struggling it's because proximity isn't connection real connection the kind that makes us feel seen heard and like we

belong doesn't happen just because we share a space with someone it happens when we share ourselves with someone it happens in those moments where we put the phone down look someone in the eye

and say how are you really and actually listen to the answer and I get it it's easier to stay in the safe Zone to be around people without actually letting

ourselves connect with them it feels less risky because here's the thing real connection requires presence and presence means we can't hide we can't

half listen while crafting the perfect response in our heads we can't skim the surface of conversations and expect to feel deeply known we have to show up

fully we have to be willing to engage even when it's uncomfortable one of the loneliest times in my life was when I was traveling constantly for work I was

always surrounded by people colleagues clients strangers and airport lounges and I felt completely disconnected and the irony I was getting

so many texts from Friends saying looks like you're having the time of your life because that's exactly what it looked like I was posting the highlight real the hotel views the exciting cities but

no one saw the part where I ate dinner alone in my hotel room night after night cuz that's what we do right we create the illusion of connection instead of actually building it we post we like we

comment but deep down we're still craving something more and let me be clear there's nothing wrong with social media with casual conversations or with having a lot of acquaintances but when

we mistake being around people for being connected to people we end up feeling emptier than ever so what do we do we

get intentional we stop assuming that scrolling equals socializing we make eye contact we put down our phones during conversations we stop settling for surface level interactions and start

asking better questions the kind that invite real answers not just polite ones and most of all we remind ourselves that deep connection isn't about the number

of people in our lives it's about the depth of the relationships we invest in because at the end of the day I don't want to just be around people I want to be with them I want to feel known and

that only happens when we stop confusing proximity with connection and start choosing to show up fully present for the people in front of

us raise your hand if you love being vulnerable no one one yeah me neither vulnerability is terrifying it feels like walking into a room without armor

like handing someone the most fragile part of yourself and just hoping they don't drop it and if you've ever opened up to someone and been met with indifference or Worse

judgment you know exactly why we avoid it vulnerability feels like standing on stage heart wide open hoping no one in the audience is holding a Rotten Tomato but here's the problem real connection

only happens when we let ourselves be seen the messy Parts the struggles the parts we'd rather keep hidden because they make us feel too much or not enough and yet we spend so much time trying to

curate ourselves smoothing out our rough edges so we seem put together we show up with pre-rehearsed answers with conversations that skim the surface with

perfectly filtered versions of ourselves because it feels safer that way I get it I really do I once spent an enti entire evening at a dinner party answering every how are you with a bright oh I'm

great even though in reality I was going through one of the hardest seasons of my life I had convinced myself that no one wanted to hear about my struggles that keeping things light and pleasant was

the better option but by the end of the night I felt lonelier than when I arrived because that's what happens when we refuse to be vulnerable we don't just protect ourselves from rejection we also

block ourselves from connection think about the people you feel closest to the ones you trust the ones you can call in the middle of the night without apologizing what makes those relationships

different it's not just time it's depth it's the fact that at some point you stopped pretending and you started telling the truth we think vulnerability

makes us weaker but the opposite is true vulnerability is the bridge to belonging it's the moment we say I don't have it all together and someone else says oh

thank God me neither but here's the tricky part vulnerability is a risk and risks come with no guarantees there will be moments when we

share something real something raw and it isn't met with the response we hop for there will be times when people don't understand when they change the subject or offer us an at least instead

of real empathy and that hurts it really does but the alternative living behind a mask keeping everything surface level pretending we're fine when we're

not that hurts more so the real question is are we willing to risk discomfort for the sake of real connection because that's what's at stake here vulnerability is the price of

admission for real belonging and I wish I could tell you there was a shortcut that you could build deep relationships without ever feeling exposed but there isn't so we

start small we choose one conversation one moment to tell the truth instead of deflecting we push past the fear that says what if they don't get it and lean into the possibility that they might we

remind ourselves that the people worth having in our lives the ones who will truly see us don't need us to be perfect they just need us to be real because at the end of

the day loneliness isn't just about being alone it's about feeling unknown and the only way to be known is to show up imperfect uncertain and willing to be

seen okay real talk how many of us have ever thought if they really cared they'd reach out yeah me too I used to believe that if someone truly wanted me in their life I wouldn't have to remind them I

wouldn't have to be the one sending the first text the one making the plans the one reaching out I convinced myself that real friendships real connections didn't need

effort they just happened naturally and so when people got busy when texts went unanswered when invitations stopped coming I took is proof that I wasn't as

important to them as I thought but here's what I've learned everyone is waiting we are all walking around hoping someone will see us reach out to us make us feel like we matter and at the same

time we're terrified of being the one who reaches out first because what if we're met with silence what if we're the only ones who

care it's this weird painful paradx We crave connection but we're also deeply afraid of rejection so we wait we tell ourselves that if someone really wanted us in their life they'd prove it and in

doing so we create the very loneliness we're trying to avoid I was stuck in that mindset for a long time I'd scroll through my phone see names of people I

missed people I wanted to talk to but instead of reaching out I'd sit there feeling hurt that they hadn't reached out first I'd play this passive game hoping someone else would make the move

so I wouldn't have to risk feeling like I was too much and then one day I got a text from a friend I had spoken to in months it was simple hey I miss you want

to grab coffee and you know what I didn't think wow she must be really desperate for friendship if she's reaching out first no I thought oh my

gosh she was thinking about me she cares that moment changed something in me because if I felt that way when she reached out then maybe just maybe the people I was missing would feel the same

if I made the first move so I started trying something different when I thought of someone instead of wondering why they hadn't texted me I just texted them if I missed

someone instead of assuming they were too busy I invited them to coffee if I was feeling disconnected instead of sitting in my own loneliness I reached out and you know what happened people

responded not always immediately not always with a perfect yes let's hang out tomorrow but with gratitude because just like me they were waiting they were

afraid of being the one who cared more that's the thing about connection it's a two-way street but sometimes we have to be the ones who step into traffic first

I won't pretend it's easy it's vulnerable it's risky there will be moments when we reach out and don't get the response we hope for there will be friendships that don't deepen

relationships that don't last but the alternative sitting back waiting hoping someone will prove our worth by making the first move that's

lonelier so here's the challenge be the one who goes first send the text make the call say hey I miss you not because you're desperate not because you need

validation but because connection is built by the people who have the courage to create it and I promise you nine times out of 10 the other person is waiting to let's talk about one of the

biggest myths about connection the idea that it should always feel good that if we find the right people the right Community the right relationships will never feel lonely again that connection

when it's real should be effortless I used to believe that I thought if a friendship or a relationship was meant to be it would always feel warm and affirming and easy that when I finally found my people I

wouldn't have to worry about misunderstandings awkward moments or feeling like an outsider but let's be real connection is messy it's imperfect

it's full of moments where we misread each other let each other down or say the wrong thing at the wrong time and if we don't expect that if we believe connection should always

feel seamless then the first moment it doesn't we start to pull away we think maybe I don't belong here after all maybe these aren't my people but the

truth is real connection isn't about never feeling lonely it's about knowing that loneliness will show up and still choosing to stay in the mess of Human Relationships anyway a while back I was

at a gathering where I should have felt completely at home these were my people people loved people who love me but for some reason I felt

off like I wasn't really connecting like I was watching from the outside instead of being in the middle of it all and my instinct to pull back to retreat to

convince myself that maybe I didn't belong as much as I thought I did but then I caught myself because I know this pattern I've seen it in myself and in so many others loneliness doesn't always

mean we're disconnected sometimes it just means we're human we will all have moments where we feel out of sync where we feel

unseen where we wonder if we truly fit in and if we let those moments Define us if we take that feeling of disconnection as proof that we don't

belong we rob ourselves of the relationships that could have been stronger if we just stuck around a little longer because connection isn't about never feeling

lonely it's about choosing to stay even when loneliness Whispers maybe you don't matter here it's about recognizing that relationships take work not just in the

beginning when everything is new and exciting but over and over again as we navigate the realities of being flawed humans trying to love other flawed

humans so what does that look like it looks like staying at the party 5 minutes longer even when you feel awkward it looks like reaching out to a friend after a hard conversation instead

of assuming the worst it looks like reminding yourself that just because you feel disconnected in a moment doesn't mean you don't belong in the bigger picture and it looks like giving yourself

Grace because we are wired for connection but that doesn't mean we always get it right we will have lonely days we will have moments where we feel

misunderstood and that's not a sign that we don't belong it's just a sign that we're showing up because real belonging isn't about never feeling lonely it's about choosing to stay to keep reaching

out to keep believing that connection is worth the risk even when it's messy even when it's imperfect even when it doesn't feel easy so here's my challenge for you what's one small way you can choose

connection today maybe it's texting a friend maybe it's making eye contact with the Barista instead of looking at your phone maybe it's telling someone hey I'm really glad

you're in my life it doesn't have to be perfect it doesn't have to be big it just has to be real because at the end of the day connection isn't about waiting for the perfect

moment it's about choosing to show up awkward uncertain and beautifully human and I promise you when we do

that loneliness doesn't stand a chance