Building a Life - Howard H. Stevenson (2013)

i'm howard stevenson uh it's a pleasure to be with you uh i mean that sincerely since i died once out here and as i say we're gonna talk about building life i

was telling howard i failed once at retirement three times at dying in 71 times as being on the forbes list so i'm used to failure and now we'll go forward from here what i'm going to talk

about is as i aged out of fundraising which is you know picking pockets and rolling drunks uh

i started to ask a question my wife and i between us have seven kids and 12 grandchildren and we're both married to jerks so one year i got to pay tuition at columbia

yale harvard williams and bowdoin i'm bragging and complaining but i sat down and said you know why is it that people say it's so hard for successful people to have successful

children and that's a that's true across every almost every culture there's rice paddies rice paddies clogs clogs bogs to bogs

all of these things so we i set out with a friend laura nash to figure out the answer that question you come to some first, question, is, what, do you, mean, by

success so i want to talk about that the second thing i want to talk about is at the end is a little book that just came out in october when i died one of the young people who worked with me

said you you make so many wise ass no excuse me um i didn't listen to all the advice you gave me can i interview you and i thought that'd be nice my kids or

grandkids would this is i literally did die and i suffered unattended cardiac arrest out here on the lawn out here and that's about one percent chance of survival

and um but i was extremely lucky um and so we wrote this book that came out as howard's gift i want to tell you a little bit about sort of the lessons i've tried to pass on to the kids

so you know the first question though is you get into is what is success because when we tried to write the book that's obviously the first question what do you mean by it and

that's been a dilemma that goes back to aristotle herodotus herodotus said it best no count no man's successful until he dies uh i tried that and didn't work uh

there's a state of being because as soon as you say i'm successful you probably start to fail because that's a constant process you know there's some unique activities if i ask the people in this room where

you're successful i think almost everybody raise your hand yet there's no one profile that would fit it so this is some unique combination of what we bring to the party

where we come from uh all sorts of things and there's also sort of i was successful when now i always find it sad when people talk about it being admitted to harvard

business school is the high point of their life or it's even worse if they talk about being admitted to saint paul's uh but it's a question of what do we mean is it

a score if so is it i i loved anne's comment about money this morning one thing about success is really hard to measure

who is the most successful person in the room well all depends on how you measure it's often uneven i joke about a divorce that's a painful

part of your life and dealing with it with kids i never expected to be a single parent i wound up being a single parent that caused me to do some things that were quite different than i'd imagined

like i gave up a very nice activity because somebody had to drive them to school and other things and i was my son was the second my youngest

son was the second happiest person in the room when he got his driver's license it's often quite unstable you know things can be going well then something happens

and you can't freeze it you're there it's wonderful and you move on so one of the problems with success it's both rational emotional who do i compare myself to

uh if we look around the room you know i guess everybody's telling bill gates he's handsome but if he really looks in the mirror

well anyway you know and a lot of the success books are sort of weird they tell you to think through all the angles you got to study it you do we

look at malcolm gladwell it talks about 10 000 hours if you're naturally strong i'm not going to be a basketball player it's quite clear i don't jump

particularly now and you sort of get on this life path sometimes call it a velvet-lined rut and if you do it all your life you're probably gonna get better at it

so if you do that that's what they tell you nothing can go wrong the problem is sometimes things happen now

we'll evoke sympathy with this one but the other thing i found about success is when you talk to i think particularly many successful entrepreneurial fathers their view of success is you fire the

bullet and then you draw the circle around it what i did is success now you should be just like me now this turns out to be reasonably hard i think about my own career you know i

started the entrepreneurship when nobody cared well if my sons or daughters tried to do it it wouldn't work there is a different path it's a

different time you know we started the first one the first hedge funds in the united states i was involved in starting and managed for 10 years well

you know now there are 2600 hedge funds started each year and 2500 going out of business it's a very different game and the other thing about it is it's really not the way that it works

because if you do that you often leave out a few things like family community and as one guy said in our interviews i now retired it's time for me i just don't know who me is

i've been so involved in doing what other people tell me to do so the other life's reality is quite different life's reality is all about choices we're standing at crossroads and we don't know what's over the horizon

you know i got tenure in 1978 that's something that people seek and i resigned immediately and people thought it was crazy but i'd interviewed a whole bunch of tenured faculty and said they're not happy why would i go down a

path where many of the more quote successful people aren't happy let me try something different so but i had no idea where it would lead it was back here now

but on a very different set of terms now success is a tough problem the external measures and the internal measures aren't always the same sometimes we're rewarded for things we're not proud of and sometimes we're

proud of things we're not rewarded for i think secondly things change as i said the world changes we have to deal with we teach about people opportunity deal and context and the context really matters

you change if you still want the same thing at 82 as you want it at 22 your name is hugh hefner um and what's obvious

is sometimes the obvious route to success leads to failure because you get going down that path and you wind up in amarillo and you had no intention of being an amarillo i hope nobody's from amarillo

there's another thing that i've observed which often it hurts when others experience a success that could have been yours you know i'm the s t in bao post it's a

fairly famous firm i left it when the kids i became a single parent i look on the forbes list and see the guy who took over from me

yeah i wince but then i think well if i'd stayed in that path i couldn't have done the other things i've done but i still went so i have to admit when i open up forbes and see it

i wince but that's okay what we discovered is there are different kinds of success and the satisfactions of each are different and that's what i want to talk about a bit

now i think for most of our graduates of harvard business school they're really three great fears in life one is i won't be a success two i will be a success won't be enough this famous peggy lee song

and i'll be success but i have to sell my soul but somehow to be successful in the world's terms i have to give up something that's really important to me now my everything i learned from my

mother i think came from the reader's digest but this is one that i'll never forget success is getting what you want and happiness is wanting what you get and one of the most important pieces of

advice i think i've given my kids is marry a happy person because you're not going to change somebody who's unhappy into somebody who's happy so figure out if they're happy or not

so there's a lot of bad advice out there simple rules follow your passion uh i'm passionate about being an actor oh

okay how many parents are supporting have kids on deep subsidy trying to be an actor or a writer in hollywood or those kind of things and they get to about 50 and they say

i'm not really going to make it now what i'm going to do and by the way that's about when the parents die so the subsidy stops and it's really a problem there is this stress on perfection

having it all you're supposed to be you know dr ruth in the bedroom and donald trump in the boardroom and well you know i don't know who you are but i find 24 hours a day doesn't let me

do all those things all the time and we'll come back and talk about that and how you manage it and there are some wonderful success models that gloss over the flaws you know if i think of rupert

murdoch john corzine can we imagine lady gaga you know leanna hunsley do we want would you really like to be some of these people who have been written up as great successes

and even worse would you want your kids to, be, them, i, can't, imagine, if, one, of my daughters said i really want to model myself on lady gaga uh the two that went to the harvard business school have done okay about

well the one who's wound up being a family counselor we interviewed about 150 people they were high achievers in multiple arenas they were they seemed to care about others which was probably one of

our criteria their success and life make a difference to many others they weren't just about me i didn't interview donald trump they seemed to keep going and growing

and they were unique we interviewed everybody from investment bankers to a cleaning woman that had come probably not originally as an illegal immigrant

and that's now has a firm with about 50 people that work for and is really amazingly happy and all our kids are graduating from college and so it's a very fascinating group of people but mostly what you saw as people that

were quite satisfied that they felt good about themselves and good about their life so you know i could criticize this as a sociological study because these are probably the criteria

we chose for success not something that was given to us by deep research and what we saw in these people was they seized opportunities as presented they

largely avoided regrets now my co-author lauren and i argued a lot about can you live a life without regrets and it was yes we can no we can't yes a very intelligent argument

but what we discovered is we were talking about different things she was talking about consequences and i was talking about sort of process you know things go wrong

but if you acted honest to yourself if things go wrong it's pretty hard to have a regret he said i acted on the best information regrets come when you kid yourself one of the titles in the howard's gift

book is don't cheat at solitaire we also found the people that really enjoyed the here and now they weren't always putting off you know when we interviewed one of them ice cream arrived at

the office he stopped the interview and he says you'll wait the ice cream will melt let's have ice cream now and that was a very important lesson for us and what we discovered is a landscape of

satisfaction if you ask people why they succeeded they give you the same bs it's in franklin you know it's in covey it's in a whole bunch of these books but what we did is we asked people tell us about

successes in your life rather than tell us why you succeeded and it was a very interesting thing we saw obviously achievement what have you done against goals that others are also

striving for that's money power fame there are lots of forms of achievement and you can't have them all by the way uh many of my richest friends are not known

uh as one said he'd pay 250 000 to get off the forbes list i think that trump pays a lot to get on it there's significance have you had a positive impact on the

people you care about there's happiness how do you feel about yourself and your life are you content and then there's legacy have you done something or is it build upon now one of the things that's

very clear is these are uncorrelated you can achieve without being happy right marilyn monroe ernest hemingway probably demonstrated that conclusively can you be significant without

achievement my grandfather was never more than an assistant postmaster in a small town in utah he was a silver beaver scout which is the highest award in scouting

he taught me a lot about conservation and love for the land uh i think he was very significant in many people's lives can he be happy without achieving

just go to aspen how many parents told their kids i have worked so hard i want you to be happy they go out to aspen meet their kids and say, what, the, hell, are you, doing, and, they said you told us to be happy dad we're

happy what what's your problem you know i'm a trustafarian that's a great religion now legacy i was having trouble with until i thought about karl marx

he certainly wasn't known in his lifetime he was mean and abusive to his family he was a drunkard which generally somewhat goes with unhappiness and yet he left a big legacy whether for good or

bad so all these are uncorrelated and getting one doesn't get you the other and we'll come back to that and part of the reason they're quite different happiness is really about me and now

you don't make other people happy you make yourself happy and you are happy and you don't say oh i'll be happy in the future you say am i happy now whereas legacy i'm sorry bill clinton

you don't define your own legacy other people define your legacy and it's about your impact on the future now achievement is sort of funny who do i compare myself to

you know i have a friend who feels not very wealthy because bill gates has a thousand times as much money i point out that 65 million dollars would satisfy many people but as long as he compares himself to

bill gates he can make himself really quite miserable and by the way it's also led his children to think that unless they make a billion dollars they're not a success which has led them to some very

interesting behavior and significance is another thing you have to say yeah i want to help other people but who do i want to help bill gates can only give ten dollars a person to everyone on earth he has to

choose who to help and that's a very important choice it's both an external choice and an internal choice who do i care about and what do i want to do for them

now when you think about them they're really complicated achievement is there's a time dimension to it is about the past is about the present or the future

if you think about the impact is it on me or is it on other people you know i could develop things that are achievement that are about me alone or i can build a system where other people

are involved they're emotional drivers there's some very positive drivers mastery recognition pride but there are bill there are donald trumps envy greed and fear

these are both these are all drivers toward achievement but if they're not positive very often they're driven by looking outside and saying i've got to compete and you can always compete with

somebody who'll make you feel bad and then there's the context you know it's the wayne gretzky i got to skate to where the puck will be not to where it is now

so it's there's a little thing called values here you know as one of our daughters said at one of my wife's round numbers birthday mirror mirror on the wall i'm like my mother

after all and she was somewhat upset in saying it but we all i can hear my father speaking very often when i'm talking so all this stuff is complicated

now when you look at it you know each of these have twins right you can think about contentment fulfillment and happiness or laziness

and gluttony they both can lead you to somewhat be happy you can think about envy and greed driving into achievement or you can think about recognition pride and mastery you can think about fairness generosity

and caring which is external or you can think a few of us have been on boards where power and self-aggrandizement leads people to quote be significant

outside and then even in legacy there's altruism and generative desires or there's the fear of death and need for control you know i know somebody that's written a thousand-year trust because he really

does you know trust should be named mistrust if you trusted your kids you wouldn't put it in trust uh but to do it for a thousand years i unkindly pointed out that william the

conqueror still has 50-something years to run and i'm sure he's seen everything but when you look at these does contentment of fulfillment help you achieve not really you know certain neuroses

help you to achieve um does fairness generosity and caring help you in the competitive battle it actually doesn't even help you be happy

right because when somebody else is miserable you're miserable if you think about altruism those who leave room for other people's

success it's an absolute requirement for the creating legacy but it also will probably diminish your own achievement because you're letting other people be recognized where there

is there are many people and you see it all the time in entrepreneurship where the need to be the boss prevents you from actually developing something that will endure so these are

complex most human beings except for donald trump have most of these emotions and because we have complex emotions we're tired we're torn we're tugged in different directions

this one helps me achieve on this dimension but we all want them because we want all of these kinds of success and this is part of the challenge i think we all face is

i don't know very many people don't want to have some measure of success on all of these dimensions so one thing is i'll find your passion

you know that we'll find somehow something that in achievement will find significant happiness and leave our legacy the only problem doesn't work

because one activity rarely has it all if you find love at the office you can get yourself sued and there's certainly different constituencies different judgments when somebody says to their children i'm

working so hard i'm doing it all for you my children what does the kid generally think dad, you're, doing, this, for, your own ego and yeah it's really nice i'm

really glad that you're giving me some money but you're not doing your work for me it's for you i mean i can

it requires different skills if you try and be ceo at home the chief operating officer generally has something to say about it

at least that's been my experience very subtly and there's often collateral damage because if you focus on only one thing you're highly likely to forget some

other things and this is a problem so i just remind you of this poor guy there's another approach which is sequential success

you know we'll achieve in achievement after we achieve we'll find significance after we find significance we'll find happiness and then our legacy will be left when we die

that didn't work either this is there's a lot, of, books, generally, sold, to, ypo members about from success to significance half time i can go through the titles

they don't work for a very simple reason when is enough to move on you know if you say when have i achieved enough i never want do you think any of us want to ever say

i'll never achieve again i i don't know many you know people even if they never play golf in their life they retire and go to ford and they got to become a champion golfer unlikely to happen if you didn't start

it at 16. it's like being a skier if you didn't learn to ski before you develop common sense you'll never be a great skier because what's enough for now is

certainly not enough for your wife in most of these areas so the notion i'll do something and then at the next stage i'll pass on and i'll focus this is good for adhd people because it

says i'll focus on one thing and then i'll achieve it and then i can move on the only trouble is the decision to move on is really tough and there's also the problem is that you can always maximize

i, i, was, a, mathematician, when, i was, young i don't remember how to do a riemann stilts integral but i do remember that there's no largest integer you can always want to add one to anything and

if you're successful at something often you say well i just want a little more you know and it's a very interesting problem of how do you not maximize and we do have continuing

emotional needs as i say i don't think you can ever leave the need for achievement when is it you want to say i've done enough for everyone else it's now about me i just want to be happy

myself i mean i find that it's actually harder with kids my youngest is 38 and my oldest is 53 and uh

yeah they're as needy now as they were in the 17. they just

there's just another zero in all the needs or two zeros or three zeros depending on what's going on in their life and by the way you'll miss some opportunities if you try and do it

sequentially because you know can you wait to be happy i can't imagine living life saying i will finally be happy when i've got 100 million dollars that's a little bit of a nonsense and by the

way your family will never wait they find ways to cope if you don't deal with it now so what we saw in these people was a very interesting phenomena they sort of

looked at life and said oh achievement significance happiness and they told stories about starting small they'd tell stories of each of these things that happened to them when they're young they weren't having a big

impact but they could talk about significance of what they did for people they could talk about small achievements i mean we had stories of high school achievements from people that actually peter uberoff told

us the story about his high school experience he ran the los angeles olympics and was very famous in a lot of things he was also the guy that helped restore los

angeles after watts but his stories went way back both of significance and achievement and by the way as they went through this they told bigger and bigger stories and you know the problem is we don't know when it's going to end

i was pretty healthy i'd exercise in the morning i was walking across campus when i died happily it was january 3rd and it was a warm day and people were around but if i'd been three minutes later i would be

i wouldn't be here because i would have been in my office and you had about four minutes to get help but they also told stories all the legacies they spun off and many of them could not

they were much more interested in the legacies from early in their life whether it was something they did in high school that is endured something somebody they helped when they first got in their career so it was a very

interesting set of stories about the way they sort of spun this through a spiral of life now there's it's really easy to put things in the wrong domain we live in cambridge there is a school

there where i swear that kids are the achievement you know mine is the smartest kid in the room and if you don't believe it i'm going to beat you up this is the parent speaking

if you say i'm never as happy as when i'm at the office i think you've got a problem i love my work i i've had the best career in the world but actually there's some other things i

like too is my children's trust the legacy i'm leaving i don't think so uh invisible leadership of charity is a significance

i've been the chairman of the board of npr and been actively involved in a lot of charities and some of it's you know you get in there and some of these elbows are equally sharp shall we

say in some of these charities as they are at any business that ever been involved in and one of the questions i always ask people is where do you put your tennis

you know i'm 71 years old i play tennis badly but i really enjoy it but you know that's not gonna i was with

a friend the other day who's 72 who pays federer to warm him up he's very good but you know at 72

he can afford it so it's not a problem but it's that's a very important part of his self-identity is being able to win at chennai's and

his sons his sons are starting to beat him and boy is this bad now his son happens to be on the tennis team at a major university but he still thinks he should be able to

beat his son now he he can play head games on his son so he wins quite often but so you know if you think about it i think the lesson of the book was most

people seek all four satisfactions in all domains and seeking one predators hinders you pursuing the others we only have 24 hours a day the time you spend

on achievement you don't spend on significance that great satisfaction from one source can't make up for missing on the others

and i hate the word balance i always think of it as a seal that has something sitting on his nose spinning around um

i think unfortunately it's about juggling now you know juggling is really an art if you think about juggling

you got to keep your eye on all the balls you know if you only look at one ball you're going to drop the others so you've got to keep your eye on all the balls when you touch something you have to give it energy

you know nobody applauds you as a juggler if you hold all the balls in your hand you can balance the balls but that's not a very interesting thing in juggling you catch it and you throw it almost immediately

but you have to give it energy you have to give it direction and you have to get rid of it and you have to calculate if those of you who i just love go to cirque du soleil

you see them throwing these things and they catch them over there how they get them to come down at the right time over there is absolutely beyond me but i think what it amounts to is really practice which is why

when you think of those spirals these people that we admire often have been practicing the skill of juggling all of their life what's the most important ball in juggling

it's the falling ball it's not the one at the top it's not the one the hand it's the one you're about to drop now in life i find that there are some rubber balls

careers tend to be fairly rubber they'll bounce you know family that's a little harder sometimes if you drop that one it shatters so the falling ball is a tremendously

important thing now if you think about the dynamics of life in the early stages you don't think much about legacy you know i can think when i was 21 i

i didn't really think about what i was doing for legacy purposes although in fact when i look back and by the way if i tell the story of the kids i can tell them why writing the how the head ski case or

some of the things i did when i was very young turned out to be a part of the legacy but that wasn't the reason i wrote it i just thought howard head was cool you know as you get to be an early

career this is a time when you start to make the attachments as ann said it's one of the important things about having some people to talk to it may be a spouse it may not be a

spouse but if you don't build your friends and it's amazing to me at my age how many of the people i really know well and like i became friends with early in my life

that somehow the shared experience the shared traumas the shared things are so important to those relationships and happiness

if you don't know by the time you're in your 30s what makes you happy stop and ask yourself that question i know what makes me happy i love to have lunch with friends or dinner with friends

it's something i seek out because if i go for a week without having you know betw after family and if i don't talk to all my kids at least

two or three times a week i feel badly um you know and some of it's they're busy i'm busy but somehow we find time to talk but happiness you got to know what it means and you've got to say that's something i seek out

on a regular basis i'm not going to postpone it and then of course the big red ball in the earliest career is the achievement you know very few people are grandma moses you

don't achieve starting at 83.

so this is the early career dynamics in the mid-career we sort of get on a path we know what makes us happy we've settled on who's significant to us

unless there's a major change and we sort of know where the achievement goes and then legacy starts to raise its head well what do i really

care about am i doing the things that i care about will i be proud of my life at the end you know there's usually something when one of your 43 year old friends dies of a heart attack

it's a wake-up call i remember when pat lyles died some of you probably remember pat but when he died hmm he was the runner he was in good health

he was supposed to be in my trusty if i died and now i'm picking up his pieces and by the way he wasn't well i had to figure out where the pieces were first before i could pick them up

uh it was a good lesson to me but then we get in this golden years i'm not going to achieve a lot more i've got one more book i'm working on now

i've, gotten, you, know, a bit, of, the, 16 books have i written they're there and as one time somebody introduced me how would you write books once you put them down you can't pick them up

but the achievement is what it is i find that with 12 grandchildren seven kids and lots of friends you know you have to work hard at maintaining

those relationships you know now happily in the world of the internet and happily in the world of email and things you can keep in contact in ways that you just never did before

but still have to work at it and you have to ask yourself do i have enough time or am i allocating enough time to it and then legacy's there but at this point you know if you're not happy

forget about it as they say so you want to go back to key problems you can't achieve in all dimensions i will never be a great tennis player i'll never be a great skier they're a lot of thing i will never be a

singer i can go through all the things i won't be so i have to focus on what i want to be what are my skills what are my where do i feel good about myself in the competition the world you know one of

the things i learned early in life i worked with a guy and i said he was one of the, people, that, helped, coin, the, word automation in the his manufacturing course and he went into the paper industry i said joe why did you go in the paper

industry he said john deeb won't like to compete with smart people i prefer to compete with dumb people and it was a lesson i learned in life why would i ever want to be a mathematician they're really smart

people that work hard and love math i wasn't one of them again things change things change and you change you know i thought i would end my golden years

with a lot of travel well it turns out i run out of breath pretty easily you know i was up on mauna kea two weeks ago at the smithsonian observatory there well i was really glad they brought

oxygen because i could make it up the hill when i started to walk a couple hundred feet at fourteen thousand feet i said yeah thirteen thousand seven hundred

fifty six to be precise uh but i was excited about going to the observatory but i recognize that i'm not going to walk up a lot of those hills by myself this still exists

i still look around and see things i could have had i didn't have and i still wince there is a wins factor but if you don't get over it and say i don't feel like i made the wrong

decisions i just went and say that was a choice i chose i chose it constantly consciously and i have no regrets this was if the first surprise was the complexity of success and the second

surprise was the emotional drivers and how complex humans are because of the diversity of motion drivers the third surprise to us

was the role of enough now enough's a funny english word it has a lower bound have you done enough and when you're yelling at your kids that's enough it has an upper bound

and defining it it's interesting if you do a search other than bill mckibben's book on enough there isn't much out there on enough that's not a word that comes we always

want more it's like samuel gompers the great labor leader when asked what he wanted the answer was more now what we saw in these people

was a reason sense of enough and that was a very interesting inside test because there's enough on two different dimensions one two counts one is the

dimensionality what's enough in this achievement what's enough significance what's enough happiness you know because if you don't define enough you have to

go for more and the more crowds out something else and figuring out where your achievements are what are the subparts of achievement

what are the real dimensions of achievement that matter to you now to me ideas are important so writing books has been something i like and work hard at

and then there's a question of time because what's enough for today what's enough for this week what's enough for this year and what's enough for a lifetime

those become particularly important in implementing a sense of enough now i think there's some benchmarks for enough

most of us need progress you know even if you have a lot of money you don't feel good if you don't make more now i developed a trick for myself

i try and keep a balance sheet that includes the money i've given away uh because for me to die the richest person in the

cemetery is not the goal but on the other hand i like you know i sort of a measurement type of guy and so sort of understanding how much i've given to charity over my lifetime

and keeping that in my balance sheet how much i've given to my kids those kind of things actually helped me just feel good about the total even though i sort of set a number that i'm going to

i've stayed at for about 10 years and anything over that i give away but i want to keep track i want to understand what's what's going on

i think one of the things about enough is you put an activity down with satisfaction if you say what's my and i i enjoyed anne's talk this morning because having that list of things that i want to

accomplish today means you can actually do it if you don't have a list you'll never finish it if you have a list you can actually sit down and say oh this is a good day i got everything done

and but you have to be realistic about what you're going to do today my wife always has lists that are impossible and she also starts with the hardest task i tend to start with those things that i

can check off the quickest so i can get 15 things done that i feel good about even if there's one damn thing that's left over but in fact that becomes very important but also

by having sort of a sense of what you want to accomplish you can see different benefits from another activity so if you say well i got to talk to the

kids today well that's not in the achievement goal but if i can say well i talked to three of them today i had to listen to one more thing about

how hollywood is hard to work in but i listen to that every day i just want to turn on the tape and say yeah i told you i worked once with george c scott i understand the business you're in

but the other thing about enough is if you start to do you can say now i did i had enough work for today that doesn't mean i'm not going to work tomorrow so i want to come back to it tomorrow so

part of it is lists but part of it's a sense of what's enough because enough does some wonderful things what are your values

now for example in money you see if one of my values is giving it away you have to figure out a way to in fact measure that in your life um

what do you want to do for your kids you know i i was with a person on one of my recent trips and he said well i don't want to give my kids too much money

i that will spoil then they you know i came from a poor background and if i give them money they won't feel driven to achieve and i'm sitting there in a house

which the ceilings are at least 20 feet tall the the main spine of the house was 300 feet long at the end was a wine cellar which

had oat breon opus 1 harwan visible to the guest by the way and you're saying now you want your kids to do exactly what you did i think

you're setting up for failure because a well anyway you actually said that to him yes i'm getting to well my grandmother at 92 said well i'm old enough to say what i

think and i said bobby you've always said that so why worry about it but one of the things is enough sets limits you know if you start to say well how

much do i need to protect myself my family you can start to say well then the rest is excess how do i want to use it one of the things about enough it allows

the transitions because once you achieve something and say now's time for the next thing and i think one of the most important things i learned from these people is having a

sense of enough both motivate you because i want to get to there but it rewards you once you've achieved it and that becomes a very important part of life so setting limits increases the

dimensionality of success which i think is sort of counterintuitive but in fact by setting the limits it allows you to juggle it allows you to say i can throw that

ball away now what's the next ball i have to catch now the bad news is this is a dynamic activity the bad news is it requires a lot, of, energy, there's, a lot, of, bad, news in this but that's okay

because i think most of you are a little bit like sharks as somebody described me if i stop swimming i die that i can't imagine stopping

and so part of what you do is say look i can't do this what can i do now that i want to do so you know i think one of the things is

what do you want in these four domains what's your profile look like now again being honest with yourself are you on your way to the ideal

does your success reflect your core drivers you know most of us can't get very far away from what we're taught at home i know i can't

i hope my kids can't you know it's interesting i had a discussion with the kids about grandchildren uh i said you know they have well minimum four grandparents in some cases

more because there have been several divorces uh and so i don't have a great influence on the values of my grandchildren you know everybody draws their tree this is my family

but the kids all look up and say no i'm part of 4 8 16 32 64 families which one am i supposed to be part of and i and by the way when they marry

they bring a whole different set of values into the equation and you're not going to destroy that what's the rule of life you either gain a daughter or lose a son uh and you

better remember that and then the question that's really deep is are my drivers positive are they negative my friend who's comparing himself to bill gates i think has some

pretty negative envy drivers in it my friend who writes the thousand year trust you know why do you really want to control your kids uh

i there are a number of funny stories of people i mean this one guy talked to quite wealthy we're talking about how they manage their money and what

they should be doing and he said well i'm never going to get the in-laws in it's all about my children and i thought the money came from his wife's father you know i well anyway

i did point that out to him too i don't think it had any impact but i felt like you felt honest yeah so when we think about it i think these things apply

in our professional career as well achievements about innovation getting results we got to do that or we don't succeed that significance is about developing

people focusing on the customer and our other stakeholders frank batten how many of you know the name frank batten baton hall is one reason frank developed a company called

landmark communications the weather channel and things like that he is the guy that said he'd pay 250 000 to get off the forbes list but he said my purpose with my business

is serving my customers at a profit it's not about maximizing shareholder wealth profit is a constraint not my goal i want to serve the customers if i don't make enough money i go out of business

if i make too much money it says i'm probably not reinvesting enough in my people my community and my product and that was always something i served on his board for 21 years

he's also somebody who taught me a lot about fundraising because i went in to ask him for a lot of money and i think i'm getting a fight because i'm going to tell him how

important harvard business school is and he's going to tell me how important the university of virginia is and then he's going to tell me how important old dominion university is where his wife is the chairman of the board then

he's going to tell me about how he was going to be a juvenile delinquent and he went to uh military school culver academy and it saved him and i i knew the conversation

so i walked into frank it's really important we've got this need to liberate the parking lot from the university and we need help can i be number five on

your list and he looked at me that's about right and he gave us 35 million dollars and we were number five uh but he gave it in less than six weeks i

was just thinking but frank was a guy that had a tremendous influence on my wife and somebody who really epitomized that legacy is ethical contact and strategic

leadership you know that old notion if you don't only the lead sled dog has a change of view and happiness satisfaction now i want to give you a few of the lessons

that we got in the howard's gift one is i think you got to start at the end what is what's going to be said about me when i die what are my kids going to remember

nobody publishes your balance sheet in your obituary so what do i want said i think the second one is we all got to harvard business school by getting an a in every class

we're not getting an a-bus and everything in life and that's a pretty important thing to remember what is it that we can let go because we're not going to be great golf players unless we practice every

day i think the other thing is a thing that eric who is the guy that actually wrote the book said everybody's outside looks better than my inside

we know our inside and we're seeing other people's outsides and i think the more we know people the more we see their pain and their struggles the better it is to remember

that we're not alone in the struggles about feeling occasionally that we're up to and then the last thing is everybody everything about the future is a bad

you know even the future is there going to be a future as a bad now we probably all ought to act as though there's going to be a future and i'm sort of sad to see american savings rates where they are because it

acts as though there is no future or somebody else will take care of us now these are the truths i learned some of the questions asked are we at an inflection point

i think back in my career an inflection point for those of you weren't math majors is where there is no tangent there there's no direction and we all run into inflection points

my wife leaving was an important inflection point in my life the decision to give up tenure was an important inflection point some of them are very visible but i think so many people pass

inflection points without ever stopping and saying is this freeing me to make a change in direction and i think of inflection points whether they're negative or positive as gifts

because if you stop and recognize them you can say what do i want to do the second question is is the juice juice worth the squeeze by that i mean if you want a glass of

orange juice don't squeeze grapefruits and yet how many people you know i always say the thing about harvard business gradual graduates is they're so competitive they have to be first at the dump on saturday morning

if the gun sounds they want to run the race now the question is are we going in the direction we want to go am i cheating at solitaire now again one of the things in my own

life is i was pretty good at math i won the state math contest i didn't i got to stanford and i discovered they're really smart people who love math who worked hard at it and willing to sacrifice things to it i said i'm not

one of those people uh you know i love math i love quantitative but i'm not going to compete with those guys and thank god i didn't i went to

the harvard business school am i explicit about the bets i'm making you know i think one of the things about being explicit about the bets is you can say there are three states of

nature i won i lost or i still don't know how many people make a bet and have lost but are unwilling to admit it they sort of wiggle around well the world is

changing i'll make it up next time and one of the questions we ask in the book is the culture question am i in the right place there are places that are toxic there are places that are good for other

people bad for us how do you evaluate the culture in which you're embedded i know for me harvard business school has been a great benefit in my life

i was embedded in a place that gave me freedom to do what i wanted to do it gave me insight and access but, there, are, a lot, of, places, that, i think i would have failed

so i had to choose the right culture so some important rules and i want to end i think we're supposed to end at 10 30 is that live life forward you know i

after almost 72 years of life i find many people living life backwards you know the divorce how many people are trying to change the past

you know you can't change the past you can learn from the past but you can't change the past so figuring out how you sort of say that's behind me what have i learned now let me move forward is so critical

i i was once in ireland and i was the guest to the government and was one of the prizes i was meeting with three ministers for dinner

and we'd all had a few drinks and i turned to one and i said that's an unusual irish name he says i'm not irish i'm danish

i said that's unusual that you'd be a minister of state in this country i wondered your when did you arrive he said they came over 100 years ago

i thought um this is a different arresting way of calculating i mean 100 years ago that's 50 generations what percentage of his blood is really danish but he identified as being danish i

turned to the minister of reconciliation i said why is there a problem between you and england he said they stole our land

and i said when did they steal your land it was 16 something or other and you sort of say well but we've been watching it i said boy that's an old man that's been watching

it he says no generations have been watching it and it's ours and i thought and this guy in charge of reconciliation i found the same thing in slovenia where people were telling me about the evils

that occurred in either 1400 or 400 depending on whether you were fighting between the orthodox and the eastern right western right or between the muslims which is about 100 they were fighting and they kept telling me these

stories and i think move life forward it's, a lot, easier i think a second lesson i actually don't particularly like the word mentor i enjoyed

ann's comments on mentorship but i think part of the problem is they're i'm not even quite sure what it means because i know nobody that i want their

advice on all parts of my life so i think of it much more as trying to form an individual board of directors where you're trying to find people whose advice you value on certain aspects of

your life that means i mean we looked at the harvard business school i asked one of the jobs i had i asked people to uh

tell us as part of the resource allocation process who were their mentors and we divided them up into teaching research and course development it was interesting

nobody received more than 17 mentions even though everybody could name three names because mentoring is hard work secondly very few people were mentioned in all three categories and thirdly some of the people who

thought they were mentors were never mentioned by anybody which i thought was also interesting they were perfectly willing to give advice it just wasn't listened to

but i think what you discover or at least what i've discovered is there are people i go to to say here's what i'm thinking about in certain areas and some of them i wouldn't ask anything about personal life

because i don't particularly admire their personal life but i do admire and one of the things it does is ask you what are these persons what are the what's this person's

particular skill where do i value their advice because then you can start to say well if i can get six or seven people that i will i can talk to and you can't manage more than

six or seven of those it's an important problem you know i i guess another thing i like to say to people is

life is risky and some things are uncontrollable no i i'm on the board of some health organizations

i'm amazed how many people don't take their medicine that's a controllable risk you know you can't take furosemide if you're gonna give a speech you have to wait till after the speech is over but

in fact figuring out what the risks are and say there's some i can control and some i can't control you know it's almost the reinhold nebra prayer of word grants me the strength to

change those things which can be changed the patience to accept those which can't and the wisdom to know which is which but i think that what you start to say is let me make sure that i understand

this is not a risky career these these are the aspects of the career that make it risky which ones can i control which ones i can't and if you can't control any of it you

probably ought to get out of the way and then the last sort of piece of advice i'd give is plan for the ripple not the splash i think one of the interesting things is we're in a culture that's interested in

the splash but in fact most of us are in a place where we throw some stones and they're big ripples and one of the most satisfying things in my life is the ripples

the things that you really didn't know you had any impact on and people come up and say oh you helped me you said something to me you helped me choose a career i mean those are the things that really

at the end of you know 43 years of teaching and 72 years of wife really make a difference so i'm going to give you a test

uh first question is who are you what are the values what what do you want at the end to be able to say uh if in that last second of life i didn't get a chance to do that i just

went down uh people i'd smell neither sulfur nor did i see a white light so i don't know what happened but uh maybe they got me too fast but who are you what are the values that you're

bringing to your wife which satisfactions if any are you on the way to missing you know again it's the juggling metaphor catch the falling ball uh who's important to you and are you

helping them to succeed i think that when anne said nothing wrong with money but the richest of your life won't be measured by it is incredibly important

and the people you've helped are probably as important a measure of life as anything else and then what's your time frame for action and being an old hippie

the time for taking this test is the rest of your life otherwise known as today is the first day of the rest of your life so that's my story and i think i almost ended it on time so

thank you very much you