Chelsea Handler: Casino Encounters, Childfree Christmas & How to Handle Broke Boys | House of Maher

Whenever I'm standing up for myself, even if I'm breaking up with a guy that I'm dating, I always think I'm doing this on behalf of all women, like I am going to stand up in this moment. I

wouldn't accept this treatment for my sister, for my niece, you know what I mean? For a friend. So, I always use

mean? For a friend. So, I always use that as a barometer with how I will let my allow myself to be treated because in many times, and I'm sure you know this as a sister, you will fight harder for

someone else than you will fight for yourself.

Welcome or welcome back to House of Mar.

A wave original. Kick your shoes off and help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. The Wi-Fi password is high and

fridge. The Wi-Fi password is high and mighty. All caps. We have a few house

mighty. All caps. We have a few house rules. Of course, girls are magic.

rules. Of course, girls are magic.

>> Reading is hot.

>> And so are you. I am the middle sister, Alona.

>> I am the eldest daughter, Olivia.

>> And I'm the youngest, Audriana. And I

know that you're the youngest, right?

>> I love this. First of all, first of all, let's not get it to me yet. I love being with three sisters because I have three sister. I have two sisters. I'm one of

sister. I have two sisters. I'm one of three girls in my family. We have three boys. So, you don't have the boys.

boys. So, you don't have the boys.

Unless you're related to Bill Maher also. Nope. Are you not? Okay. Few.

also. Nope. Are you not? Okay. Few.

>> Um. Okay. So, I love I'm always I'm read Do you guys have you guys have ever read the book Mittford Sisters? No. It's a

this family of sisters and they're very storied like they have a big legacy family that there's a million books about them and I was at one point developing a show about them that never came to fruition. But I am obsessed with

sisters. I think sisters are the I mean

sisters. I think sisters are the I mean brothers I could take them or leave them. You know that's how I feel about

them. You know that's how I feel about most straight men. If I had a couple gay brothers I could I would handle that with much more of plum. But I love sisters and I love that the three of you are doing a podcast together. I think

it's super cute.

>> What a great way to bond and spend time together. It's the best way to. It's

together. It's the best way to. It's

like my dream job. I'm napping with my sisters.

>> You need to. Yeah. On camera. Exactly.

So you have proof.

>> Why not?

>> Disagree on camera. No. Remember episode

32 when you said that?

>> Roll the tape.

>> Absolutely.

>> Well, let me give a little intro here.

Hello.

>> Oh my goodness. You got right into it.

Our fourth Marister today has been unapologetically herself since she was 10 years old selling hard lemonade at the neighborhood stand. I'm still a little bit concerned how you did that when I learned when we were watching the special. She's a legendary comedian

special. She's a legendary comedian selling out venues all over the country and the trailblazing force behind the late night hit Chelsea lately where she was the only woman host in late night for seven years straight. She's also a sixtime number one New York Times

bestselling author. Right. That's

bestselling author. Right. That's

amazing.

>> That's right. Damn. Whether she's doing soldout shows in Vegas, dominating the charts with a Netflix special, or skiing in a bikini on her birthday, she does it all with so much style. Her latest book, I'll Have What She's Having is already a

massive hit. Please welcome Chelsea

massive hit. Please welcome Chelsea Handler. Oh my god. Bar sisters. I'm so

Handler. Oh my god. Bar sisters. I'm so

happy to be with you.

>> We're happy you are here. This is

amazing.

>> Yes, this is amazing. What is happening?

>> No, literally. It's a lot of energy.

It's a lot of voices.

>> It's a lot of You guys are You guys are some strong You guys have some strong jeans. Thank you so much.

jeans. Thank you so much.

>> Do your sisters not look like you?

>> They don't look anything like me.

Really?

>> No. Every time anybody meets them? As we

get older, we start to look a little bit more alike. But I mean, I have access to

more alike. But I mean, I have access to stuff that they don't have access to. Do

you know what I mean? Let's be honest. I

live in Los Angeles. They've never had a laser. They've never had a lip flip,

laser. They've never had a lip flip, which somebody accused me of having the other day, which I had to look up, a lip flip, which I don't have, but I do have lots of other things going on, let's be honest. So, um, yes. So, when I see my

honest. So, um, yes. So, when I see my sisters, I think, just come with me to Los Angeles and we can fix everything.

I'll show you the way.

>> They're perfect just the way they are, and they're normal. I'm not, you know, so I'm I'm They're less affected.

>> Are they over on the East Coast?

>> One is in New Jersey and one's in San Francisco.

>> Okay. So, Okay.

>> Yes, they spread out.

>> Spread out.

>> Yeah, they're spread out. And then my brothers both live in New Jersey, too. I

left New Jersey when I was around 19 years old for the the betterment of New Jersey. I think, you know, it was time

Jersey. I think, you know, it was time for me to spread my wings and fly.

>> So, I drove across country at a very early age and I wanted to start my life in LA because I just thought that's when my life would begin was Los Angeles. And

so, I drove across country. I had a guy that was driving across country with me.

I dropped him off after about five hours of listening to him talk at a hotel. I

was like, "Why don't you get out of the car?" And then I pulled away. A little

car?" And then I pulled away. A little

more a few more details of that story which we'll skip.

>> And and there was no sex, nothing like that.

>> And I drove a across country by myself, which was kind of a metaphor for my like new life, you know, like I tried to go across the country with someone for protection. And then I had to discard

protection. And then I had to discard that person because I thought actually I'm safer by myself.

>> Yeah.

>> And so it was kind of the beginning of my adulthood even though I was a little kid cuz at 19 I don't think you're an adult really. You don't feel like an

adult really. You don't feel like an adult anyway.

>> Were you still stopping in motel and everything solo?

>> I I just No, I didn't stop anywhere except for to to sleep and to get gas.

That's all I did cuz I was so scared of being by myself and a young girl in the middle of I was like driving through the panhandle of Texas. I took that lower 66 route.

>> So, you know, I got here pretty fast.

>> Nice. Nice. Record time.

>> Cuz you just knew that's where your life was meant to be. Yes. And you want you've always felt like you wanted to be like a star and out there putting your whole personality, everything out there.

>> Yeah. I really just wanted people to hear what I had to say. Like I really believed that I had a contribution to make based on my own thoughts, >> which is really ridiculous at that age,

you know, to think that I was like once people hear me, they're going to understand. And I don't know what I

understand. And I don't know what I thought they were going to understand.

But now, as I've gotten older and so many years have passed, I realized my inclination and my desire and my drive was for women to hear me, for me to

speak to women. Like, my audience is women and obviously gay men. And but

that's who I'm here for. That's what I believe my purpose is, is to help instill and inject all sorts of women and young girls with confidence.

>> Yeah. And I feel like that pays back when you work for women and you love them and you have the foster that community with them for the long run.

Whereas if you pander to I think men, you know, as other kind of celebrities do or a lot are under fire right now, you're like that doesn't get you very far and it >> doesn't get you any very far. But I

think having sisters, it has a huge part part of why that is, you know, true for for me because growing up with sisters, it's like, you know, as a woman, your

inclination is to be around other women.

M >> so when you grow up and in a time you guys are younger than me but you still feel it I'm sure when you grow up and are like taught to believe there's not room for many more than you then that's

pitting then you're buying into the whole sexist idea that there's not enough room for women so we better get rid of any other competition that is a woman. That's not true. Like that's the

woman. That's not true. Like that's the biggest line of [ __ ] I think that we've all been fed is like you know all ships rise with the tide. So if if you're doing well that's good for other women. you're doing well that's good for

women. you're doing well that's good for other women but that's something that I think having a sister or sisters is very important to that is ingrained it becomes ingrained in you

>> absolutely you know I mean with Alona being a professional female athlete the money is what it is but well I manage her we call we call me a sisterager but alongside her agent it's like as the bit more money we can get for her that means

the next female like rugby player whatever to come gets that much more as well so it's like lifting all the rising tides and everything >> it's like whenever I think about whenever ever I'm standing up for myself

or even if I'm breaking up with a guy that I'm dating I always think I'm doing this on behalf of all women >> like I am going to stand up in this moment because this I wouldn't accept

this treatment for my sister for my niece you know what I mean for a friend so I always use that as a barometer with how I will let my allow myself to be treated because in many times and I'm

sure you know this as a sister you will fight harder for someone else than you will fight for yourself. Yep. But did it take you a while to get there? Like did

you first accept less than you deserve for a while? So you had to learn.

>> Yeah. I I was a defender of others way more than I was a defender of my myself.

And then I realized like, oh wait, you know, I come kind of come with this package where people think I'm a super confident and like a baller and everything. And I I I just kind of

everything. And I I I just kind of believed that about myself uh from other people, you know. And then I when I sat down and I was like, wait, in this instance, are you standing up for

yourself? Are you scared to be the

yourself? Are you scared to be the squeaky wheel? Especially in like, you

squeaky wheel? Especially in like, you know, comedy in a male-dominated industry, which is now so much there's so many more females than when I began and started. But you kind of want to be

and started. But you kind of want to be one of the guys. And I'm sure you can relate to that as an athlete. Like, you

want to be accepted by the guys. You

want to be the cool chick. That's

subscribing to that kind of mentality and sexism as well, because why do we want to be one of the guys? We're not

guys.

>> No, I don't want that.

>> Yeah, >> they stink. But you you're lucky to be surrounded by so many women.

>> Yes. I mean, I think that's helped me to grow even my brand and who I am. My, you

know, the the humor I think I have is very much more gear geared towards women and or geared towards you guys. So, I I think it's >> built me into an amazing person.

>> Yeah.

>> I think it's such a bubble growing up too because it's in our family like it's just women and our dad. It's just women like our dad, >> aunts, our like second cousins like everybody's women.

>> Oh, nice. So that's slightly protected.

>> So how is your dad? How's your dad with all of that?

>> He's fine. He's all around. Yeah, he

loves it. He's a proper girl dad. Like

loved supporting us in any way that he could and just being like he put us into sports cuz he learned that that's what makes women confident that like the top whatever percentile of women in top roles, they played any level of sport growing up. So that's what he made sure

growing up. So that's what he made sure to do for all of us. So he loved it. He

was he was Yeah. Great girl dad in that way.

>> Girl dads are special. They have a special place in our world.

>> I really do. I'm gonna transition us into a section we like to call touch grass. Are you familiar with this

grass. Are you familiar with this expression?

>> Does this mean smoke weed?

>> Well, today I'm always with an athlete, so she probably can't smoke weed, especially on camera, but I can always smoke weed.

>> She's not being drug tested right now, so we have a window. We have a window.

>> Hurry, hurry quickly. Um, okay. So,

touchg grass is an expression used because we're so online these days.

We're so out of touch that we need to literally go outside and touch some grass. Touch some dirt. Get, you know,

grass. Touch some dirt. Get, you know, get down and dirty with what's important.

>> Feel the earth beneath you.

>> Feel the earth beneath you. Remember

what's important.

>> Love it.

>> Touch grass. And then also athlete. So,

you know, grass field, you get it. This

week, we want to talk about, you brought up yourself. People were saying you had

up yourself. People were saying you had a lip flip. You had to look that up. But

you're very real about you've had work done and you will talk about it whatever. People who lie about having

whatever. People who lie about having work done. What are your thoughts there?

work done. What are your thoughts there?

I just feel like it's un like listen this is my position and everyone's obviously entitled to do whatever the hell they think they want to do. But I

just feel like it's a disservice to other women to pretend that you're not doing something and you look 20 years younger than everybody else or you know or you that you like you know the shame

around Ompic or GLP1s. It's like I'm on Ozepic or whatever it is now. Tzepite is

the newest iteration that I'm on. But I

know I don't have a weight problem but I also like to not pig out at the end of the night and I've curbed my appetite.

So, I micro dose it. I micro dose lots of things. Um, but and but that's how I

of things. Um, but and but that's how I feel about like you want to share your secrets with other women and share what you're doing and don't I don't like a false narrative. I don't like lies and I

false narrative. I don't like lies and I don't like I'm a trutht teller. So, I I I'll always be honest about, you know, anything that is going to help inform other women.

>> Love that. And it also kind of like Yeah. reinforces like unrealistic beauty

Yeah. reinforces like unrealistic beauty standards if you're not.

>> I mean, it's like we live in Hollywood.

We know about things that nobody knows about. We knew about salmon sperm

about. We knew about salmon sperm facials before salmon knew their sperm was being stolen.

>> And your sisters don't even know about it still.

>> My sisters don't want anything to do with the procedures I get done. I was

like, listen, I once got this Morpheus procedure, which is like a serious laser. You look [ __ ] up for about two

laser. You look [ __ ] up for about two weeks, okay? You are black and blue. You

weeks, okay? You are black and blue. You

are swollen. It's crazy. It's like it's a really painful laser. And I did it all over my arms, too, cuz I wanted to tighten the skin on my arms. And my sister said, "Something's so wrong with you. like your skin on your arms. And I

you. like your skin on your arms. And I was like, "Look, I don't like this." And

she goes, "You're you just look you've lost the plot." And I'm like, "I know, but I live in LA. Like I mean, I'm surrounded by these people all the time.

I'm easily influenced when I suggest any sort of procedure to my sister." She's

just like, "I can't deal with the pain."

She's like, "You like pain." And I'm like, "Well, I don't like pain, but I can take the pain to get to the other side."

side." >> Which I'm sure you guys you could relate to that. I mean, in a different much

to that. I mean, in a different much different way.

I'm not calling myself an athlete.

>> We were just talking about it though cuz I'm living in LA for a bit and so when I'm around like in Hollywood, I'll go to like Dance with the Stars and see people again. And so I'm around just a

again. And so I'm around just a different form of beauty here than when I'm with my teammates, right?

>> So when I'm at Dance with the Stars, it's like very skinny bodies. I'm around

those people and so that's what they're seeing as beauty. But when I'm with my rugby team, it's like how big is your bicep? How muscular do you look today?

bicep? How muscular do you look today?

How fast can you run? just different

forms of beauty and quotes. It's like

perspective about who you're around.

>> Yeah.

>> So, I'm I'm interested as I'm here more in LA how that will shift >> your mindset.

>> My mindset, I guess.

>> Well, and it's also easy, you know, like listen, this town is [ __ ] up. You

know, people have taken it too far.

There's like you're you're if you're in pursuit of something that that abandons who you really are and what you really look like, and we've seen this look all over town. There's girls with lips and

over town. There's girls with lips and balloons and the big asses and the whatever and that and and then everyone's so skinny and everyone starts to look exactly the same. Like you look at pictures and you're like what is

that? So is that a face or a glazed

that? So is that a face or a glazed donut? Like it gets it gets very people

donut? Like it gets it gets very people can get very out of touch. So with

regard to beauty and with regard to procedures and doing stuff, it's like it's very in important to remain the integrity of actually what you look like. You know what I mean? You don't

like. You know what I mean? You don't

want to go and get stuff done where you don't look like yourself. And so in it's like the intention of I always say to my doctor whenever I'm doing anything, I'm

like, I just want to look my age but youthful, like well-rested and my age.

Make it look like I don't drink.

>> Yeah. And that's the thing is I see people like the standard of beauty now cuz they've all had the same kind of work done and I'm like, I'm bored. I'm

bored. That's too much.

>> Yeah. when it started like a few years ago, like maybe five at that point of like the baby Botox of like you have to start Botox in your 20s for it to really work.

>> Oh, like early 1920. Yeah.

>> Yeah. It's just I started hearing it so much. I was like, do I need a little bit

much. I was like, do I need a little bit of Botox? And at the time I was like 21.

of Botox? And at the time I was like 21.

I was like just a little here and there cuz if I don't start now then I'm going to look if that's what they're saying.

And I had friends who started to do it and I'm like once I started to see their faces I was like we're a little too young for this.

>> Yeah. It doesn't mean I wouldn't though.

I would try these things. Now, when did you start Botox? Please don't say 21.

>> No, I didn't.

>> I don't think that's true. I think you wait as long as you can. You know, like I still don't do a lot of Botox. I do

Botox around my eyes for crows feet, but I want my face to move. I want you very >> I don't have a frozen face and I don't want one. I want lines. Like people

want one. I want lines. Like people

always say about my lines, they're like, "You could get this done." And I'm like, "But I'm 50. Why would I want to look like that?" I am 50 years old. Uh yeah,

like that?" I am 50 years old. Uh yeah,

but I'm not going to remove my skin around my >> eye. Right. Right. Right. Right.

>> eye. Right. Right. Right. Right.

>> You know those face.

>> So I will do So when did I start Botox?

Probably like early 30s.

>> Okay.

>> But probably early like 30 31 cuz I remember the first time I remember calling my sisters cuz I got it done and I was like you guys I did it. You have

to start doing Botox. And they're like cuz they're 10 year five and 10 years older than me. So I was always like the first one to try any procedure and the youngest. Um, so I but I remember being

youngest. Um, so I but I remember being in my one-bedroom apartment in Santa Monica on 23rd Street and I called them.

I'm like, I just did Botox. You have to do it.

>> Meanwhile, I haven't even settled yet.

>> Was it right?

>> I love I love finding out about something and then just like promoting it like I know for sure it's foolproof and it's the best solution to anyone's problems without even having my full experience yet.

>> Yeah. Right. Right.

>> That's something I do a lot.

>> As long as you survived it, like you can recommend it.

>> Yeah. But micro botox is the way to go when you do it so that you don't have a shiny frozen forehead. You want to, you know, >> interesting. That's my thing is like if

>> interesting. That's my thing is like if I ever do it, I want to, like you said, wait as long as I can so it's a real treat, you know.

>> Hell yeah.

>> You call us up, ladies. I tried it.

>> And the great thing about Botox is it wears off.

>> Yeah, exactly.

>> You know, >> true.

>> I have a lot of friends in England who do Botox and work because it's so much cheaper. So they start so much younger

cheaper. So they start so much younger because in England you don't have to be like um certified like a nurse or even a doctor to do it. You can get a just a certificate over you can go to Judy's

house >> and she can give you some Botox for 50 pounds injectable.

>> I feel like you can do that in LA too.

>> You probably could. I guess

>> like there's a lot of Botox parties that go on at people's houses.

>> Gosh, I guess so.

>> A lot of filler though for what you're talking about. Like a lot of girls who

talking about. Like a lot of girls who play filler.

>> I don't like filler. I would recommend everybody to stay away from filler.

moves once it's in your face. I once got filler. I think it was in my temples and

filler. I think it was in my temples and I went skiing and it fell through my face over the course of two weeks. It

was like I had these lumps in my face and then I was like, "What's happening to me?" Because the goggles and the

to me?" Because the goggles and the pressure of the goggles. It moved the filler down. I've never done filler

filler down. I've never done filler since. You got it dissolved when it was

since. You got it dissolved when it was down here. Like, what the hell?

down here. Like, what the hell?

>> Yeah. I had to get it dissolved.

>> Nightmare.

>> Yeah. I don't do that. I don't do that.

Stick to lasers and stick to little nips and ties. Yeah.

and ties. Yeah.

>> That way you don't have to fill your face up with garbage. You know what I mean?

>> Absolutely.

>> As you may know, my sisters and I love to eat. We're not shy about it. And I

to eat. We're not shy about it. And I

love to eat without worrying if I'm getting all my nutrients.

>> And this year, we are all going to be more proactive about supporting our main health. Huh.

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>> All right, so touch some grass online about things that you've had done. Just

be honest about it. Uh, next touch grass point. You recently went on a family

point. You recently went on a family vacation that you paid for. You you

treated everybody.

>> Oh, which one? I mean, there's a lot of them.

>> True. one where you were a bit dissatisfied with your family's behavior.

>> Oh, yes. I talk about this in my new tour. I'm doing a big tour. It's called

tour. I'm doing a big tour. It's called

the High and Mighty Tour.

>> Starts in February. And I regail Well, I've I've been on a lot of family vacations. I like to spoil my family as

vacations. I like to spoil my family as I'm sure all of you can relate. And um

my family keeps growing and and getting bigger and just feels like it's not my problem, you know? And also the people that they marry are also not my problem.

I feel like they've had children. and

they've chosen to procreate. They've

created these lives and I have extended my generosity for well over 25 years.

And on our very last vacation, not our last, I've been on a couple. I've been

starting to split up the family. But

>> I realized I'm why why am I continuing to expose myself to this? There are so many other people I would like to go on vacation with and I don't need to be on vacation with my brother's wife. I've

been nice to her for 25 years and vacation with her for 25 years. I don't

want to hear about Russian conspiracy theories anymore. Not on my vacation,

theories anymore. Not on my vacation, >> not on your dollar.

>> I live in America. We have enough drama.

I don't need to hear about that. So, I

have started to make edits to my family.

I have cut I have made some cuts and I have made some new rules. And those

rules are no more. I used to bring everyone to Canada for Christmas. I now

and over co I got to celebrate Christmas alone and it was the best Christmas I've ever had really >> and I will never ever celebrate it with I probably with another person again because I had the best time

>> with your dogs.

>> Uh yeah with my dogs. I woke up I had a little mushrooms uh some mushrooms and then I went skiing with my girlfriends.

I was home by six o'clock at night. It

was and I read a book that night but alone without a family and I was like this is freedom. This is what fre This is the kind of freedom I wanted as a little kid. And now I've grown up and

little kid. And now I've grown up and gotten through all of the milestones of life without accidentally dislodging a baby or getting married and having to

get divorced. I've I've I've navigated

get divorced. I've I've I've navigated in and away from those situations to the point that now as a 50-year-old single woman who's child-free, I feel freedom right

>> now. If I decide to embark on an

>> now. If I decide to embark on an adventure with a man, it's okay because I got through that tunnel where you would make really bad decisions or maybe not well-informed decisions. You know, I

don't trust I didn't trust my decision-m when I was in my 20s >> or uh you know, more so in my 30s and just more so as you get older, you just the wisdom that comes with age is just

not spoken about enough. The confidence

and the security knowing that you're the person that got you from here to here, like you did this Yes, of course there's help along the way, but like you're you're pretty

reliable. Like you're going to get

reliable. Like you're going to get yourself to the next spot, too.

>> Yeah. Yeah. You've figured out all the hardest parts of your life so far. Like

you'll keep doing that.

>> Yeah. I mean, challenges will always arise, but I'm a big proponent of like I don't want to face the same challenges multiple times. Like, let's make the

multiple times. Like, let's make the first mistake the last time. We have to learn that lesson. I don't want to go to summer school.

>> Yeah. First and last. First and last.

Rich in life and your solo Christmases.

>> Yes. Yes.

>> Love that. Thanksgiving still on the table though.

>> Thanksgiving I I'm going to spend with friends this year. I'm about to go to Antarctica tomorrow and I come back the day before Thanksgiving. You want to hear a funny story?

>> We would love to hear. So, let's

actually Can we transition into tea time? We're going to we're going to move

time? We're going to we're going to move on into our second tea time. We're going

to get the tea from you. Tell us about tell us the story.

>> Okay. So, I have a residency in Vegas, right? Um it's at the Chelsea the Cosmo

right? Um it's at the Chelsea the Cosmo Hotel. It's at the Chelsea Theater. So,

Hotel. It's at the Chelsea Theater. So,

I'm performing essentially inside myself.

>> Nice. So, I go I I always have different friends come out for each show. I had

like a a group of girlfriends and some friends from New York came out this past show.

>> We go we gamble after the show. I give

everybody money so that nobody has to, you know, spend their money. I give

everyone money. I'm like, we're gambling now. Since I'm forcing you to gamble,

now. Since I'm forcing you to gamble, you can use my money. We gamble.

Everyone loses my money. I'm like, [ __ ] that. So, we leave. We go the next

that. So, we leave. We go the next night. We stay one extra night in Vegas

night. We stay one extra night in Vegas to see Alana Moriceette. We go to her concert. She's amazing. Incredible. My

concert. She's amazing. Incredible. My

second time seeing her. And afterward I was like, "Hey, I lost $3,000 the night before. You guys lost all my money. I

before. You guys lost all my money. I

need to go back to the casino and win this back, right?" So, uh, they were like, "Okay, well, we'll come with you."

And I'm like, "You guys are bad juju.

Like, I don't need your bad luck. I will

win on my own." So, I took my one friend Terrence. He and I went back to the we

Terrence. He and I went back to the we went back to the Cosmo Hotel. We just

sat down at a random table and there's this guy at the end of the table with this big >> cowboy hat on and I was, you know, pretty loosey goosey at this time of night, right? And I had no chips left

night, right? And I had no chips left because my friends had lost all my money and he had tons of chips and he was like a younger guy, younger than me and just like a cowboy. And I just assumed he was like some Texan, you know, cowboy

Republican. And I said, "Sir, I'm going

Republican. And I said, "Sir, I'm going to need to borrow $1,000. Like I I don't have any chips left, but I'm going to win it right back and then I'll pay you back. I want his money back. I I paid

back. I want his money back. I I paid him back interest. I give him 2,000.

Whoa.

>> Then I proceeded to spend the night there winning back all my money that my friends had lost. Right. So, we have this great time, blah, blah, blah. We

leave. Once I got my money, I'm not greedy cuz I I got the money that I had lost. I got it back. I was like, "Let's

lost. I got it back. I was like, "Let's go, Terrence. Good night." I wake up in

go, Terrence. Good night." I wake up in the morning and there's these texts from this guy and I say to my friend Terrence, I go, "Who's Did I give that guy my phone number last night?" He

goes, "Yeah, he asked for your phone number." The cowboy hacker. And I was

number." The cowboy hacker. And I was like, "Cowboy hack guy?" I gave him my phone number. I'm like that guy from

phone number. I'm like that guy from Texas. He's like he's not from Texas and

Texas. He's like he's not from Texas and he's not a Republican. You called him a Texas Republican like 10 times. He's

from Florida and he's a really nice guy and his brother and he owned this big company or some company. And I was like, I don't remember any of that. And he's

like, well, he was really cute, but you weren't interested. And I was like, oh.

weren't interested. And I was like, oh.

So this guy starts texting me. So I

respond. I said, thank you so much for the loan, blah blah blah. And he goes, I would love to come to one of your shows in Vegas. I would love to come back and

in Vegas. I would love to come back and would you be willing to hang out again and we can drink, smoke, gamble, whatever you're into, but would you be open to like, you know, making me like commit to spending time with him? And

I'm like, you can come to Vegas, but I'm not making any commitment to anything.

And he goes, I'm just I'm not trying to be creepy or anything. He goes, but you seem very adventurous, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for more adventure.

>> And so I copy I I sent him the link for my Antarctica trip. And I said, 'Well, if you're looking for adventure, this is a trip I'm going on in next week. And

then 24 hours later, he's like, I'll see you in Antarctica.

>> So, I'm leaving tomorrow on this trip to Antarctica, which you have to fly to Buenosarees and then you fly to Patagonia. Then we take a boat off of

Patagonia. Then we take a boat off of from Patagonia over Drake's Passage to Antarctica. And I'm going with one of my

Antarctica. And I'm going with one of my girlfriends from Whistler, but this guy's also coming.

>> Wow. So, this has just got all the makings of my of a classic Chelsea story.

>> I love >> I love the way it started and I love where it's going.

>> I actually love that. A man who's taken some action.

>> Yes.

>> Do you remember what he was like?

>> Well, he sent me his Instagram there and I went through it. He's very cute. He's

not really my type, but who cares about that because I like the move.

>> Yeah. If he flies for you. What I want, what I've always written, whenever I've written down what I'm looking for in a partner, it is somebody who has the interest in traveling and the ability,

financial capabilities to do so. Like, I

don't want to to pay for somebody to come with me and have like, you know what I mean? I'm not interested. I've

done that enough with my family and I'm not even having sex with those people.

So, >> we were just discussing it too cuz I've seen some men in the past who don't make a lot of money. What are your thoughts on that? Like when I spend time with

on that? Like when I spend time with them, I because I now have a certain lifestyle I like to uphold. Yes.

>> And certain dinners I like to do, but I don't think they make a lot of money. Is

it okay? Like usually the thing is, you know, find a rich man or whatever and then Sher says I am a rich man or whatever. But how do you deal with that?

whatever. But how do you deal with that?

>> People say date in your tax bracket or whatever. Like what what are your

whatever. Like what what are your thoughts?

>> I've never been like I've always been able to take care of myself. So that has never been the reason to be with somebody. Nor should it be. Yeah.

somebody. Nor should it be. Yeah.

Obviously, it really is about character, but it's also there is a there's a difference between not having a lot of money and being broke.

>> Being broke is not hot. Being broke

means you don't have your [ __ ] together.

Being broke means can imply laziness.

>> I don't As long as you're not lazy, then I can work with that.

>> I don't need you to buy me jewelry. I

can buy all of that [ __ ] for myself. And

I don't even care about jewelry. I don't

care about all of that stuff. What I

what I need is something that I you have to be an addition to my life, not a subtraction. and not a subtraction that

subtraction. and not a subtraction that I'm paying for also. Like I'm not flying you back and forth to meet me. I've done

that >> and I've done the rich guy. So I've have a full spectrum of experience and it's much more comfortable dating somebody that takes care of themsself and has a

future. You know, broke is just

future. You know, broke is just >> no then you better be really good at a bunch of other things, >> right?

>> You know, >> and not just I don't mean like I mean around the house.

driving skiing >> cooking, cooking, installing shelves, >> ship in in every other way, right?

>> Fix a car.

>> Yeah, fix a car. Know what that sound is your car is making. That's hot. Change

my tire.

>> Yeah.

>> Domestic labor.

>> God. Okay.

>> That is good to hear though.

>> Yeah, >> that's a salad of experience is what you've had, it seems. >> Yeah, I've had a mixed salad. Definitely

salad. I don't have to type. I just try to be open-minded and look for something that I haven't had before. Mhm.

>> If he wanted to, he would go to Antarctica with you, >> right? Yeah. Like I like that

>> right? Yeah. Like I like that initiative. When he made he said, "I'll

initiative. When he made he said, "I'll see you in Antarctica." I was like, "You know what?

>> I think I might like this guy. There's

potential now." Because if that's a strong decision, that's an expensive trip. You know, I was like, "Oh, this

trip. You know, I was like, "Oh, this guy's got his [ __ ] together."

>> What do you do in Antarctica once you get there?

>> You go on expeditions. So, I'm going to a psychedelic conference, if I haven't made that clear yet in this interview. I

love psychedelics. I love micro doing.

So this is a it's an organization called MAPS and there's a guy that runs it called Rick Rick Goblin. And so it's basically like all the studies that show how much psychedelics now in micro dose

form or in its journey type situations help people with PTSD help people with you know delayed grief or personalized trauma or anything that may have happened that you need therapy for. Um

so that's the backdrop. It's a kind of psychedelic conference about all the benefits of that. And then you go on like excursions like you go see the penguins one day, you go on icebergs,

you can go skiing, you're in Antarctica.

So there's lots of action and activity.

You can polar plunge.

>> I've seen this. But you got to get strapped in first, right? You be on like a tether.

>> Uh yeah. Well, that's actually probably the way to do it cuz then they got to lift you back up.

>> Exactly. When you're too cold to get out.

>> I I'd rather step down off of like a step ladder and then lose lose my nerve halfway through. Right. No, you got I

halfway through. Right. No, you got I think you have to plunge cuz I think if you feel it first, you're not going to do it.

>> Get Get strapped in with the tether jump.

>> What if they don't get me out?

>> They will. That's the point of it.

>> See, that gives me more anxiety than me doing it myself.

>> You have a Texas Republican there to pull you out. It's

>> I do not accept saying such words.

>> He's from Florida, which is almost worse than Texas at this point.

>> Florida. I was like, >> I mean, I wasn't happy about Florida either but I like I like the idea that you're like just assuming this person's going to be your boyfriend. You're like, "Well, if

your boyfriend. You're like, "Well, if he lives in Florida, it's like, who gives a [ __ ] where he lives? I'll

probably never see him again after this." We'll see.

this." We'll see.

>> We'll see.

>> I'll keep you guys posted.

>> I love that we're on the precipice of this.

>> I know. I do, too. Because it's been a it's been a minute since I've had a guy that I was interested in. Like, it's

been a minute. I've kind of been really busy and it's just not in the front of mind. I'm not a boy crazy girl. I've

mind. I'm not a boy crazy girl. I've

never been that way and I haven't had a boyfriend recently. So, I was like,

boyfriend recently. So, I was like, "God, I wonder when I'm going to be interested in someone." So, to walk into like a casino, sit down next to somebody randomly for an hour and then have it all kind of come out like this kind of

feels like, "Oh, this is exactly what I should be doing."

>> It's cosmic, right?

>> Fun.

>> And would you have him come to your show? So, you won't be in the residency

show? So, you won't be in the residency for a bit, but would you love if he came to that?

>> Yeah, he's welcome to come. I mean,

anyone's welcome to come. Yeah. I I

don't have a problem with that, >> right?

>> With a guy seeing me perform, you mean?

>> Yeah. or like you know cuz your shows are also like we we've watched a couple and it's very much the women's subject like we found it to be hilarious and I think men would also find it very funny as well.

>> You have to be a real man to be able to deal with me. A lot of straight men can't hang with me or they don't want to. They are like shut her up. She is so

to. They are like shut her up. She is so annoying and so obnoxious. Yes, I have an issue. I've had problems with

an issue. I've had problems with straight men my whole life.

>> They always are telling me to take it down a notch and I'm like why? I'm just

acting like a man.

>> Why? O, I love that. Yeah, it's good.

>> Where did like your sense of comedy come from and how your sense of humor? Like

for me, I think my sisters and how we were raised. Was it your family as well

were raised. Was it your family as well or was it did you ever feel like the outlier and that's kind of where you got from being the the baby?

>> It was my family for sure. Our parents

were ridiculous. My father was a used car dealer and there were cars all over our driveway. Like car parts. Did you

our driveway. Like car parts. Did you

ever see that show Sanford and Sun? Have

you ever heard of that? It's like the shows and they're like car parts tires strewn throughout our driveway and we lived in this like nice middle class neighborhood in New Jersey. So it was

really embarrassing cuz we stuck out like a sore thumb and my mom was German and like very quiet and antisocial. She

didn't like the other mothers or like communicating with them or socializing with them. So it was like kind of you

with them. So it was like kind of you know she was kind of just put off by all of it. And so by the time they had me,

of it. And so by the time they had me, they were so done with being parents that I was on my own. I was like, "Okay." I would I would literally be

"Okay." I would I would literally be like, "I'm going away for the weekend and I'll be back Sunday night so I can go to school Monday." I was seven. I

mean, I'd be like, "I'm going with my friends family to the Catskills." And my mom's like, "We'll see you when you get home." I'm like, "Bye." They would to

home." I'm like, "Bye." They would to drop me off at school and completely forget to pick me up. And then I'd come storming like I'd walk through a snowstorm. They once dropped me off at

snowstorm. They once dropped me off at Hebrew school, completely forgot to pick me up. And there's this guy, Isaac, this

me up. And there's this guy, Isaac, this janitor at our Hebrew school that worked there. And he knew all my brothers and

there. And he knew all my brothers and sisters. And I would come out. There

sisters. And I would come out. There

would be this like um carpool lanes for everybody's parents to line up to pick up their kids. And every Sunday I would come out and I'd be like, "Are they going to come? Is this going to be the weekend that they pick me up?" And every

week and and no one would carpool with us because they knew my parents were so unreliable. So every weekend Isaac would

unreliable. So every weekend Isaac would come out and be like, "They're late again huh?"

again huh?" >> And I'd be like, "Yeah." And then one day it was snowing and I was like, "You know what?" He's like, "Okay, I'll call

know what?" He's like, "Okay, I'll call them." And he would call them and then

them." And he would call them and then they would come pick me up. And I was like, "You know what? This is an opportunity to teach those two a lesson." I'm like, "I'm going to walk

lesson." I'm like, "I'm going to walk home." And I walked home like two and a

home." And I walked home like two and a half miles in a snowstorm and just opened the front door. And I was like 9 years old, okay? And so I had my hat, my gloves, and I was like, "I have

pneumonia now." And I and I was like,

pneumonia now." And I and I was like, "And I'm not going to school for three days because neither one of you even thought to pick me up. I'm nine." And

then I charged up to my room and I they were like, "Oh, she's mad this time."

>> Yeah.

>> So, I mean, it was like funny. The

backdrop of our childhood was funny because my parents were just so like halfass, >> you know? I wrote myself notes if I wanted to leave school. Like, I watched

this soap opera Santa Barbara. It was on every day at 3. So, I would sign myself out at 2:30. Like, three times a week, I'd be like, "Chelsea has a dental appointment. Chelsea's having dental

appointment. Chelsea's having dental issues. Chelsea has to." I mean, well,

issues. Chelsea has to." I mean, well, nothing was wrong with my teeth. So, the

teachers were stupid for allowing me to continue to write that.

>> And then I would side myself out of school. I'd get home at half an hour

school. I'd get home at half an hour before school ended so I could watch my soap opera. Um, like I was basically

soap opera. Um, like I was basically running my parents' household at a very young age. But to answer your question,

young age. But to answer your question, my whole family is very funny. We're

very sarcastic.

>> So, it's that kind of humor. like

everything is very dry >> and under your you know breath and like no one is like um >> eusive or happy or earnest. No one is like that in our family.

>> Do you run into problems with the dryness because we run into that we're all trying trying to date but we are dating men who cannot take sarcasm or like I guess we poke fun of as a way of flirting because like we poke fun at each other that means I've noticed

something about you cuz I'm paying attention and I care but then men take offense to it. Do you have you noticed that? Is that

that? Is that >> I mean I have I've noticed a lot of things that men are finding offensive that I don't really have time for. I've

spent my life being offensive and being offended. So which one should I focus

offended. So which one should I focus on?

>> You know I mean it's amazing that they're offended now. I mean really >> now we have to deal with your hurt feelings. We just got over our hurt

feelings. We just got over our hurt feelings.

>> It's a lot.

>> I love How do you think you've grown as a comedian from your 30s to today? Um,

like this tour I I took a I took a sixmonth break off of sorry, six year break off of doing standup. When I left my Netflix show, I did my Chelsea Lately show for seven years. Then I did a some

series documentaries for Netflix. Then I

did a a talk show for two years. And

when that ended, I was like, okay, I wanted to just stop doing everything. I

didn't want to work. I was burnt out. I

had done my books and my standup and my shows for so long in a row in succession. And so I took six years off

succession. And so I took six years off of standup and when I came back to it I kind of had to rebuild my audience and like start and I've done three specials in four year five this will be my fourth

tour in five years.

>> Wow.

>> So I came back and I was just kind of like a mature fine wine in the terms of a being having so much gratitude >> for the audience that remained that

stuck with me. Um, and then also for the actual art of getting up on stage and providing people with a reprieve from their daily lives and a reprieve from politics, a reprieve from all of the

things that are stressful. Like to be an arbiter of joy, to be on stage and to look out and see sisters or daughters and mothers sitting there and strangers sitting next to each other laughing and

like hitting each other on their arms. Like to me, that is the definition of being an entertainer. to be able to bring that out to come out on stage and set a tone and bring the vibe up so that

when people leave they leave higher.

>> Love that.

>> So that's why it's called the High and Mighty Tour because I want you to be high and I will most likely be high as well.

>> And what do you think makes a good comedy show? Like when we were watching

comedy show? Like when we were watching yours, you had some physical comedy as well. I love the the masturbation

well. I love the the masturbation physical comedy. That was really great

physical comedy. That was really great to me. Like I think that's great, but

to me. Like I think that's great, but it's not over the top at times like some communities that go across the floor, right? You work with intonation and and

right? You work with intonation and and such.

>> You got running bits that you just you pick up your virgin sister.

>> That one we found hilarious every time you said that.

>> Oh my god. Done it again.

>> Yeah, she likes she well she was a virgin for a really long time. I mean

she's almost she's I mean I she's somebody you could turn back into a virgin because she probably spent more time being a virgin than not being a virgin.

>> Born again.

>> But I I mean it's all personal stories.

So I think there are two types of comics that I'm aware of. There are people that just get up and and tell jokes. And then

there are people that are storytellers, and I'm a storyteller. I like to tell my personal stories. I like to take the

personal stories. I like to take the funniest, most ridiculous kind of aspects of my life and combine them all into like one big story. Like people

will say or have said about me that I'm outrageous, but I want to be outrageous.

I want to live an outrageous life. So my

experiences are real. Like I don't manufacture them. Sometimes I add a

manufacture them. Sometimes I add a person to the mix for the purpose of a story or I change the location for the purpose of a punchline, but I don't make it up. Like my family will always be

it up. Like my family will always be like, "Is that part true?" Like my sister will be like, "That didn't happen." And my other sister's like,

happen." And my other sister's like, "That totally happened. You weren't

there for that." You know, like they sometimes think I'm making it up. I'm

like, "No." So I think I think the art of like, you know, it's the same with writing books. You're I'm sharing my

writing books. You're I'm sharing my personal stuff. And if you are sharing

personal stuff. And if you are sharing that in an honest way, you have to share the good stuff and the bad stuff. You

can't cherrypick what you want people to see about you. Like, I'm beautiful and ugly. I have all of those things and I'm

ugly. I have all of those things and I'm going to share them. I'm not shy or embarrassed about any of them. Um, you

know, I I have a great body. I have

cellulite. I get, you know, like, you know, all of the things that girls can be quiet about or try to hide. It's

like, no, no, no. Let's let's just show ourselves. And that's how I feel about

ourselves. And that's how I feel about storytelling. I feel like um you know

storytelling. I feel like um you know you you edit for other people's feelings, not your own.

>> You know, I kind of spare other people, not family members, cuz I I feel like, you know, they deserve it.

>> And they've been with me my whole life.

It's like that's where most of my material comes from and it's a neverending well. So,

neverending well. So, >> um I don't know if that answered your question.

>> That's kind of special though. It's

like, yeah, you you give the ugly, you give the beautiful, and in a book, it's like, there you have it. When you're on tour, you get to see it affect people.

Like you say, they're hitting each other's arms. You get to see your kind of storytelling in.

>> It's just great to walk out into a theater and just have like these thunderous applause. And I think that

thunderous applause. And I think that was probably a big component of what was missing in my first half of my career. I

wasn't as grateful as I am now about it.

Like, I want to be present. I want to be there. I want to make sure that you

there. I want to make sure that you leave here feeling excellent and lighter you know and to be laughing um and joyfulness like I feel right now in the world that is the most important

contribution and one can make is contributing to other people's joy period >> full stop >> God okay so how long will the tour be >> the tour will well I'm starting out the

tour will be I I announced 40 cities you can get tickets at chelseyandler.com but we'll probably add another 40 for the rest of the year so it'll end up probably being about 80 to 100 shows for the year. But that's my jam, girls.

the year. But that's my jam, girls.

That's what I do.

>> Are you in a tour bus and you just go around?

>> No. No. Those are for boys.

>> Of course.

>> I don't plan.

>> Of course. Of course.

>> Yes. Yes. Yes. I dated somebody who went on a tour bus and I smelled that tour bus. And there were about seven men on

bus. And there were about seven men on that tour bus. And it smells like a sock that farted.

>> It was disgusting. Perfect.

>> And no, I don't think I don't know that many women take tour buses, but I could be wrong, but I prefer a flight. Do you

settle into any kind of routines because even flying I imagine tour is very rough on any kind of routine or your system.

Do you what do you kind of settle into?

>> I mean I'm really into electrolytes. I'm

really into that. I mean I'm not as you know everyone's all the water. It's just

everyone's always trying to force you to drink water. Water. It's like I'm so

drink water. Water. It's like I'm so sick of hearing about water. I mean is it really that important? Because nobody

gave me water until I was [ __ ] 40 years old. Nobody gave me water when I

years old. Nobody gave me water when I was in elementary school. We had orange juice, milk, and capriants. That's like%

milk.

>> Yeah. Nobody was like, "Here, have some water." So, this whole water thing is

water." So, this whole water thing is like, I don't trust it. I don't know that we need all this water.

>> And I don't trust electrolytes. I'm

like, "Where did the electrolytes come from?"

from?" >> Well, now and then now they say, "If you drink too much water, you'll get dehydrated." It's like, "Well, which one

dehydrated." It's like, "Well, which one is it?" And then they say, "The

is it?" And then they say, "The electrolytes are the most important part." And I'm like, "Well, then can I

part." And I'm like, "Well, then can I just have the electrolytes and I'll snort those?" And

snort those?" And >> why are we just getting those from water?

>> Yeah. I don't know. It's very confusing.

I know I know dogs need water. I believe

that. But I don't believe that we need as much water as they are telling us we need.

>> I agree because when you go to Europe, you know, in America when you get a big pint glass when you come to a restaurant and then in Europe, they maybe forget to put it on and then that's it. They're

thriving over there.

>> Do you feel a difference? Well, I mean, this is going to be an obvious answer, but I'll ask the question anyway. Do you

feel a big vast performance difference when you're dehydrated?

>> I like Do you feel that water makes a huge difference in your performance? I

don't think so. But they're always we you always have to weigh yourself in. So

you weigh yourself in before you play and then you weigh yourself out to see how much water you've lost. And if

you've lost too much, you have to really rehydrate. And so they're always pushing

rehydrate. And so they're always pushing water on you. We have to do pee tests constantly to see how hydrated we are.

>> But I whenever I do a pee test, I'm always supposedly dehydrated. And I was like, I was chugging water until I went to bed and I peed three times at night.

Water.

>> Yeah. How am I not How am I dehydrated?

I just don't believe it.

>> How much water weight can you lose in one session? You could lose about like 6

one session? You could lose about like 6 lbs if if it's really hot.

>> Oh, >> and so that's not good then.

>> Yeah, you don't want to be losing that.

So like normally you'd lose like a you know a pound or 2 lb something like that. Like if it's a very hot session.

that. Like if it's a very hot session.

So you need to like they're thrusting water in your face.

>> Wow.

>> I as well don't believe it. Especially

when I have to do this hydration testing. I'm always dehydrated.

testing. I'm always dehydrated.

>> And when you're dehydrated, do they give you salt?

>> Yep. You have to do that. Um like

they'll just salt extra things. We've

done like salt tests, too, where you put like a salt patch on and see how much salt you've lost when you've >> Yeah. And but and but also there's also

>> Yeah. And but and but also there's also water in everything we're eating.

There's water in bagels. There's water

in fish. Have another piece of fish. You

know, why do I have to have so much water?

>> Salt. Have some salt.

>> Just throw some salt in your mouth and that way you'll hold on to whatever water's in there.

>> That's her. I've got a thing of Maldon salt. You know that fancy crystallized

salt. You know that fancy crystallized stuff? She eats it by the handful. Do

stuff? She eats it by the handful. Do

you?

>> I love salt. Alakart.

>> Yeah, cart. She's done that. She used to be when she was a kid in restaurants, she would lick the top of salt things and my mom would be like, "Ah!" before

she could like those restaurants. Those restaurants

those restaurants. Those restaurants >> salty liquid. She chugs like a hot sauce, pickle juice.

>> She chugs pickle juice.

>> We keep empty pickle juice containers in the fridge like once you eat all the pickles cuz she'll have >> peppercinis. So, what's the dynamic

>> peppercinis. So, what's the dynamic between you three? Who's in charge?

>> Oldest.

>> She's classic oldest.

>> Uh I don't know what I am.

>> You're classic middle. Classic metal.

Bit of a troublemaker, but also like >> Have you guys ever read the book Birth Order?

>> No, we got to really get rid of this.

>> The Sibling Effect and Birth Order are good books about like families and numbers and ch child numbers. They kind

of say the same thing but in a different way.

>> Okay. And do you guys fit that mold? You

and your sisters?

>> Uh yeah.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah. Cuz when you have more than three, it repeats. The pattern repeats. So it

it repeats. The pattern repeats. So it

goes We had three boys and then three girls. So if the first oldest isn't the

girls. So if the first oldest isn't the responsible type A one, then the second one will take that position. If the if the oldest is a [ __ ] and like ends up

being like a drug user or whatever, then the second one becomes in charge. But

usually it's the oldest then the middle and then the youngest one is the rebellious crazy one typically speaking.

>> And then the pattern starts then it repeats again. You go 3 2 1 3 2 1.

repeats again. You go 3 2 1 3 2 1.

>> Her rebellion was trying theater instead of sports at one point. So

>> they didn't let me as crazy as they got.

you know.

>> Well, that means she's doing a good job keeping you in line as the oldest.

>> Now, she did steal alcohol from our parents when we never did. So, her dad famously like collects alcohol and so I was very smart and I would take a shot from like each bottle instead of just going after one bottle so they never

noticed it went lower.

>> And of course, I'd have sleepovers with my friends and they never caught on.

>> Yeah. Whatever.

>> But they were like golden children and they >> You said such a perfect example.

>> They're also not very social in high school. Oh, really? And so all of a

school. Oh, really? And so all of a sudden I have this like uh era of like not air but like there was like well you're so cool in high school. I was

like I don't think I was. I just to us that seemed cool.

>> I was much cooler than you guys. We were

>> my oldest sister was the coolest. My

second sister the virgin. You know how that is.

>> And then I was just a helion like just crazy [ __ ] crazy. Like my parents almost my mom like I feel so bad for the way that I acted. You know, my mom is

has passed away and so is my father, thank God, cuz he was a real pain in the ass. But my mom, I like when I think

ass. But my mom, I like when I think about what I put her through as a teenager, I was just out of my mind. And

I couldn't wait to be free from that the like the family. I was like, I just need to get away from this family.

>> I need to start my own future, you know?

Like I wanted if I could have moved out when I was 13, I would have.

>> Yeah. I've apologized to uh my mom a few times. I'm like, I'm so sorry. cuz I was

times. I'm like, I'm so sorry. cuz I was like I look back on how I acted and I was like [ __ ] nightmare. I was a little nightmare.

>> That's nice that you apologize. Yeah.

While you still have her because I mean when I say I'm sorry to my mom, I don't know who I'm talking to. I'm sorry mom.

>> You hope she's hearing it right.

>> Yeah. So that's nice.

>> You're the youngest though, but the way that you are such a proponent for speaking your mind, telling women to say exactly what they want, what they feel, it's how you are. Do you almost feel though like a big sister to your audiences in that way? Even though you are

>> Yeah. especially on my podcast, too.

>> Yeah. especially on my podcast, too.

Like, it's a call-in podcast, so people call in for advice and it's called Dear Chelsea. So, like because I am like a

Chelsea. So, like because I am like a like I that's how I always feel like a big sister. Like, I'm always going to

big sister. Like, I'm always going to tell you the truth. Whether you're a close friend of mine or a stranger, if you're a woman especially, it's like I I got your back, you know? Like, if you need to know if you have food in your teeth, I'll tell you if you have food in

your teeth. If you need advice on a

your teeth. If you need advice on a problem and you need someone's opinion who's actually not involved in that problem, which is the most objective opinion you can get, I'll tell you the truth. So, I do feel like a big sister

truth. So, I do feel like a big sister in many ways, in many respects. I feel

like a big sister to my sisters in many ways, even though I'm the youngest.

>> So, um you know, I'm like I'm decisive and I can make decisions and I like get things I can make things happen.

>> You say what needs to be said. An

elephant and you have never been in the same room together, right? So your mom uh was a German immigrant, right? Do you

think you get a lot of that? Like is

like what do you call it from Germany?

Like very German of you. She wasn't that kind of German. She was very soft and demure. She was like very ladylike. So

demure. She was like very ladylike. So

she was a little horrified by my mouth, you know? She was like, "What is this

you know? She was like, "What is this child that I have?" Like I was so boisterous and precocious and just didn't care what anyone like. I just was

like a bull in a china shop. But my mom was very sweet and like understood. Like

my dad would always go, "What are we going to do with her? What is wrong with her about me?" He'd be like, "Something's wrong with her." And my mom would be like, "She just needs to grow up and shake it out. She just needs to be she needs to shake it out. Like

she'll she'll get older and she'll calm down." And my dad's like, "I don't know.

down." And my dad's like, "I don't know.

We've never seen the one like this before." Like they were like scared for

before." Like they were like scared for my future.

>> Uncharted territory.

>> Yeah. They didn't know what to do.

>> Interesting.

>> Yeah. They were worried that I was going to go down the wrong path and, you know, have a teenage pregnancy or, you know, marry a drug dealer. Like, they just thought I was going off the rails. And I

probably was headed in that direction, but I always was able to recognize that at the last minute and pivot.

>> Mhm.

>> In some of your stories, we I guess don't know ages. Like, you say when you're 10 years old, you're, you know, doing a hard lemonade stand. I was like, what do I don't know what a 10-year-old looks like. Yeah. We can't picture.

looks like. Yeah. We can't picture.

10-year-olds have good thoughts and feelings, I guess. I didn't even know they could understand things. Like I

could put I put a 10-year-old and a four-year-old next to each other.

>> You'd be like, "Wait."

>> And you wouldn't know the difference. I

just I'm like, "Wow." But they are they're they're really sentient beings.

>> They really are. They have business. The

most sentient business owner.

>> At 10 years old, you know, like you know how to dream, >> right? You have dreams. You know where

>> right? You have dreams. You know where you want your life to go. Maybe not how you're going to get there, but you definitely have an idea of what you're interested in and what you're not. When

I went on a first plane ride with my parents or with my family and saw the first class section, I was like, "That's my group right there. Those are the people that I'm going to be hanging out with. Where are you guys sitting?

with. Where are you guys sitting?

>> We're actually all going to the back.

We're all going to sit in coach." And

I'm like, I'm not for long. Like, um,

the next time I'm on this plane, I will be flying first class. And I did. It was

only 3 years later, but I did. At 13

years old, I bought my own first class ticket. And I haven't flown coach since,

ticket. And I haven't flown coach since, to be honest.

>> Right. Good for you. Well, I mean, she's obviously been elevating herself in the world and we still take flights together and she obviously boards first and she gets into that section and then we have to walk by her and we're like, "Hey, dude." And that's changing ever so

dude." And that's changing ever so slowly kind of.

>> Yeah. They're demoting you back to coach and it sounds like >> Well, whenever I go back to rugby >> pulling her back.

>> So, like when I'm in doing, you know, deals for people and I'll go here and you know, you I get flown business or first and like that's just how it is.

But then when I go back with my rugby team, you know, that's like 30 plus people they travel with >> and we don't have a lot of money in rugby. And so I really get back down to

rugby. And so I really get back down to my roots >> and we all travel back to um coach together. There was one flight we were

together. There was one flight we were supposed to do like a 16- hour flight to Sydney. And I got a call from her. She

Sydney. And I got a call from her. She

was like, "You got to see what you can do. You got to get me out of the coach.

do. You got to get me out of the coach.

You got to get me up there if you can."

I'm like, "Oh." And I was calling everybody at the airline and they were like, "It's a group ticket. We can't

move anybody." Like

>> I was prepared to pay a lot of money, too. I never would. I was very prepared

too. I never would. I was very prepared to pay a ton of money, but because it was a group ticket, I went to the desk, I went here, I went here, and they would not let me upgrade.

>> And I was like, well, you just lost out on business. And so,

on business. And so, >> you're a big mistake.

>> Yeah, that gets them all the time.

>> Also, hard lemonade stand at 10 years old and now you have a hard lemonade brand right?

>> Yeah. I started the hard lemonade. First

of all, I open up a regular lemonade stand with my sister, the virgin one.

And I was like, "Listen, I will I'll hire you at a day rate and we can" and she was like 50/50 for the lemonade stand. She was 5 years older than me.

stand. She was 5 years older than me.

I'm like 50/50. This is my concept. I'm

like, "I came up with it." And she's like, "Concept? It's a lemonade stand.

like, "Concept? It's a lemonade stand.

Every kid is doing it." And I'm like, "But I'm the one who did made the like initiated this." So we're not So I

initiated this." So we're not So I worked one day with her. We sold regular lemonade. We did not make a big profit

lemonade. We did not make a big profit of margin. There was no profit of

of margin. There was no profit of margin. So I had to reduce my stuff. And

margin. So I had to reduce my stuff. And

so I at the end of the day I said, "Listen, this isn't going to work. I

don't want you here." And actually, I'm going to start serving alcohol, but to, you know, raise the profits. So I went back to my parents house. They weren't

drinkers, so I had to go to a neighbor's house on Martha's Vineyard and just I got gin, whiskey, tequila, and I I brought it all to the lemonade stand the next day. I went around in the

next day. I went around in the neighborhood of all the little kids that rented in the area. I got this little boy named Nelson. I He was 10 years old.

I'm like, Nelson, do you know how to mix a drink? I have a lemonade stand and I

a drink? I have a lemonade stand and I need a bar back and I was like and then I I knew I was gonna I could pay Nelson whatever I wanted. He didn't even you know what a job was. It was only 10. I

was advanced >> and I we went we did our lemonade stand.

It was a huge hit. Parents would come by. We'd make them mix drinks. If

by. We'd make them mix drinks. If

anybody was over 10, they could also order a drink. You know, I wasn't a stickler right?

>> Um for rules. And then uh we made a crazy amount of money, like hundreds of dollars. And I gave him like I think if

dollars. And I gave him like I think if if if we made $349 in two weeks, I gave him $349 as his commission.

>> He's looking for the experience.

>> And he's lucky and he was lucky to be my company.

>> That tells that story for sure to this day.

>> Yeah. I wonder if he's put it together that it's me that did that to him cuz that would be even better story. If I

came face to face with Nelson one day, because that's happened in my life with my ridiculous stories. I will run into that person and they'll be like, "You know what you did?" And I'm like, "No, tell me."

tell me." >> You said you said he's younger than you, but I was like, "What if it's the man meeting you in Antarctica? What if that was an >> I know. That would be a real full circle." Then I would really start to

circle." Then I would really start to believe in some woowoo [ __ ] >> Mhm.

>> Yeah. Real woo woo. I just had a question about, you know, you say what's on your mind, you tell it as it is, you don't hold anything back. Who do you go to for that same treatment if you want advice?

>> If I want advice or just the real or just There's not a lot of people that I go to for advice. I have a psychiatrist that I go to when I really have to deal

with something that's difficult. I saw

him yesterday. I have a situation I'm dealing with and I went to him for his feedback. So, he's somebody I go to for

feedback. So, he's somebody I go to for like that kind of stuff. For like if it's career advice, I go to my manager or I go to my agent. But if it's

something like I really need advice on, I try to exercise this kind of really like sitting with yourself when you have

a decision to make and listening to your female intuition because it's there for all of us. And with everything that you know is going on in the world and

society and social media, we tend to lose touch with that voice. And like

women are so [ __ ] powerful and so intuitive. So, I've learned that that

intuitive. So, I've learned that that works for me almost every time. Whenever

I have that hair of a feeling that something's off, like I I know now, don't do that. Don't do that. Even if

it's just the slightest thing, you can't like make me do something that I feel that way about. So, I just really try to practice listening to my own voice, my own inner voice. Your body knows what's

up, >> and your body knows when you should go towards something or go away from something. So, I wish more women were

something. So, I wish more women were able to some women, especially when people call into Dear Chelsea, they're like, "How do you know what that voice me?" Like, how do you know when to

me?" Like, how do you know when to listen to that voice or what it feels like to know that voice? And it's like, it's very hard to describe because it's just a knowing. It's like an instinct.

Um, that you have to be able to be in touch with yourself enough to hear it >> and trusting yourself. I think that's you have to sit alone quietly whether it's meditating or whether it's just

being without any of the noise that comes with life and really listen and you'll get your answer.

>> Love that. Love that. No phones, no distractions.

>> I know. Just that

>> we've all got to throw our phones in the garbage. Throw it away. Do that. Attach

garbage. Throw it away. Do that. Attach

it to actually no strap for it. Straight

into the water after the plunge.

>> Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I have a waterproof bag too. OH,

>> I'LL BE THERE texting underneath the wall. Can you imagine?

wall. Can you imagine?

>> My friend go say hello to Santa Claus.

I'm like, that's the wrong >> one.

>> Like, you might say hello to You might see Santa before I see him.

>> Maybe evil Santa lives down there.

Something like that.

>> Can you describe a time in your life when something shook your confidence and how you came back from it?

>> Listen, I don't think that ever goes away. Like, there's always things in

away. Like, there's always things in life that are going to shake you up. But

it's about how much better we get at um recognizing those moments and knowing that it's not a failure. Oh, this is a sign. This is a sign that I have to like

sign. This is a sign that I have to like elevate or you know like strengthen and and be above it. Like treat it differently than I would treat anything before. And when I say that, I mean like

before. And when I say that, I mean like it's kind of what I was saying earlier, like don't repeat the same things over and over. If you handle a situation

and over. If you handle a situation poorly once, try not to make a habit out of handling a situation poorly. So, when

I was probably in my like 27ish or something, I had this huge showcase at the Montreal Comedy Festival, and that was like the place to be if you were a comedian. I was the it girl. There was

comedian. I was the it girl. There was

all this buzz around me, and I was showcasing in front of every industry executive who could hire me for a job.

>> And I ate [ __ ] I bombed so badly. And

it was horrible. Like, I thought my life was over. I I was like, "This is it.

was over. I I was like, "This is it.

It's over. everything that I've worked so hard in the last 5 years doing standup. I had this crazy killer

standup. I had this crazy killer 10-minute set and I just got up there and as soon as it didn't go my way because I was so green and new. I got so flustered and let the audience's

reaction dictate my performance >> and I lost it. And I

>> had a show the next night, but no one wanted to come back and see me because they're like, "She's not ready. She's

too green. She's not ready." This was uh whatever. And I sat in my hotel room and

whatever. And I sat in my hotel room and I just remember crying and feeling like, you know, this huge pity party. And then

I got back to LA on a Sunday and my manager called me on a Monday and he said, "There was one executive that wasn't at your show in Montreal, Grace

Woo. She's at NBC. She still works at

Woo. She's at NBC. She still works at Peacock at NBC.

>> She wasn't there and she wants to see you perform Tuesday night. Can you do a set tomorrow night?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure. I'll get a set." I was

"Yeah, sure. I'll get a set." I was like, "Okay." I had nothing to lose at

like, "Okay." I had nothing to lose at this point. I already thought I ended my

this point. I already thought I ended my career, you know, before it began. And I

went up and I did the same exact set. I

crushed it. Like, it went perfectly. And

I got my very first development deal.

The next morning, Grace Woo called my manager and she's like, "We're going to pay Chelsea $100,000 to develop a TV show about her." And so in 72 hours,

like what had been the worst bomb of my life >> in 72 just because I said yes. Yes. Yes.

You know, like I to seized the moment and I just went for it. It turned around and I put that story in my book because it it's just such a good lesson for all

of us. Like just when you think things

of us. Like just when you think things have either fallen apart or you can't get back up, like look around because there's rainbows everywhere and you never know when you're going to get an

opportunity to make a first impression that you blew. You know what I mean? And

you never know when you're going to get an opportunity for a second chance. So,

it's always Yes. Like anything that scares me. Yes. Yes. I'll do it. Yeah.

scares me. Yes. Yes. I'll do it. Yeah.

So, that was a great like life lesson.

>> It doesn't matter how bad something like you know, you don't know what's going to happen.

>> Yeah.

>> Gorge.

>> Well, I think we'll move on into our book nook.

>> All of readers here. We read

>> you write a lot. And you are a writer.

You've written six books. Seven books.

We didn't >> Seven books. But yes, I think what I've written is seven books and six of them were number one New York Times bestsellers.

>> But all of them are New York Times bestsellers, >> but not all number one. My very first book wasn't a number one.

>> You you had to grow.

>> Yeah, I had to grow. I had to evolve. I

had to start somewhere.

>> We had to start somewhere.

>> Whatever.

>> Well, this is like the cozy part of the episode where we're talking about like what's happening just in our Kindles or what are we reading? What is what are you writing? Well, I'm not writing right

you writing? Well, I'm not writing right now because, you know, once you write a book, I'm like, I need about a year off from writing. But, uh, I write my

from writing. But, uh, I write my standup. So, that's like my writing.

standup. So, that's like my writing.

But, what am I reading? I just read this book by Jen Hatmaker. Do you know Jen Hatmaker? It's called Awake. It's about

Hatmaker? It's called Awake. It's about

this woman who was like kind of religious and she lives in this community and she wakes up, her husband of 27 years, finds out he's talking to his girlfriend in the middle of the night. They have five kids. They got

night. They have five kids. They got

together when they were 18 and 19 years old. And she was like a big figure in

old. And she was like a big figure in like Christianity. I don't know her from

like Christianity. I don't know her from that because I'm not into Christianity, but I somebody gave me the book. The

publisher sent it to me for I probably for and I just read it over the weekend and it's great. Really? Really?

>> Yeah. It's just like a woman basically facing her worst fear. She's got five kids. She's got she does have a career,

kids. She's got she does have a career, but she didn't expect her husband to have an affair. He didn't want to resolve the mar like he didn't want to work on it. So her whole life falls

apart and it's just like her taking you through everything she did. Like she

didn't have one bill in her name. She

didn't have any idea how much their mortgage was. She didn't have any idea

mortgage was. She didn't have any idea how much their phone bill like she had to go through every she had to change every name. She had to tell the kids

every name. She had to tell the kids like they had two adopted kids from I think Ethiopia and and she had to like basically tell them all that their father was moving out the next day. like

they woke up and their whole life changed. So, I love [ __ ] like that. I

changed. So, I love [ __ ] like that. I

like memoirs. I like truth and I like history a lot. But what are you guys reading?

>> We are big into romantasy. Like we read a lot of romance or a lot of fantasy. I

love a memoir as well. Those are my big that's one of my other big or thrillers.

We're talking a lot about thrillers. I

just finished a thriller and I like listening to thrillers but >> like I've done Lucy Foley guest list >> and it's like a fun thriller but I find that those suck me in a little too much

and it kind of consumes my thoughts and I can't I have to like take a pause on them for itching for well I know I love it so much but I get too consumed by it.

I put my headphones on my noise cancelling and I'm in that world. So, I

like to more read fun romantic romance little books.

>> When I'm reading, I'm looking for information. I want like my brain to be

information. I want like my brain to be filled up. Like that's how I view

filled up. Like that's how I view reading. Like I'm like, "Okay, what can

reading. Like I'm like, "Okay, what can I learn from this book?" But I read a ton of books because I have guests on my podcast always that write books and so you want to read them. Like I just read Malala's new book that was really good.

She's cute.

>> She we had her on the show as well.

She's a fab. She's friends with Alona because she loves women sports. She's

funny. I don't know why nobody thought she was going to be funny, but I didn't.

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we realized is like, oh, this is just a girl. She just wants to hang out with

girl. She just wants to hang out with the girls >> here to have a good time.

>> But that story is so crazy, you know?

Imagine like leaving your home country >> never and not being allowed back there because it's something that was done to you. It's just crazy. And that Pakistan

you. It's just crazy. And that Pakistan is like the their feelings towards her to this day are very mixed and dubious.

>> Yeah. And she's still helping though.

Like she is like it's unbelievable.

>> Yeah. What she does for girls education >> does for girls and and girls in sports and education. It's like and also I love

and education. It's like and also I love the difference from her new book from her original one that was sort of people telling her who she was and the new one where it's you know obviously finding >> it's beautifully written. I remember I I was like just five pages in because she

was coming on the podcast. I was like I got to read this >> and I was like oh this is going to be a great book. This is well written and

great book. This is well written and like I've read many memoir memoir but it's not something that I gravitate towards but I was like this is sucking me.

>> Have you guys ever read Cersei by Maline Miller?

>> Yes.

>> That's a great book.

>> Long Whoa.

>> Long.

>> It's a long book.

>> Oh, is it?

>> It's a Greek tragedy is beautiful. It's

beautiful sentences like she writes sentences. You know what I love? I love

sentences. You know what I love? I love

when authors write a sentence and it makes you just put the book down and you're like, "Holy [ __ ] how did you write that sentence?"

>> She writes like that. She writes like that. She also wrote the Achilles one.

that. She also wrote the Achilles one.

>> I've read that one. The Achilles song that everybody loves. Song of Achilles.

>> One time I was working in a shoe store and someone came in with the song of Achilles and I was like, "Are you liking it?" Like everyone loves it. She like

it?" Like everyone loves it. She like

sat down. She was like, "I can't I can't get through this." Started talking to me for 10 minutes about this book and how she hates it, but she feels pressure.

And that sticks out to me every time I see that book.

>> They love it. And she just needed like uh someone's ear just to talk about it and how much she hated it. I preferred

Cersei because it was a woman's story obviously and it had so many other Greek tales tied into you like oh I've I've heard of that one I know that oh it's all tied here to this >> I remember reading that it was like the first book I read on Greek tragedies or

Greek mythology really and I was like I'm sorry do Greeks think this is real I was so confused about Greek mythology I'm like one of my nieces studied Greek mythology in school and I was like so do

Greeks believe that these people are real she's like no this is an underworld and like no one none of these people are real but they're like figures like historical figures. I'm like, well,

historical figures. I'm like, well, historical figures implies that they were real.

>> So, >> they were real, not the reason why the sun does whatever it does and stuff like that. Right. That one too is like if you

that. Right. That one too is like if you had to if you were forced to read the Odyssey in in any level of school, there's lots of tie-ins from that. Like

she's, you know, the one that he sees on the whatever journey. So, it's a good one. I like that one. youngest sister

one. I like that one. youngest sister

like flex was we had to read the Odyssey in high school and you had to annotate every chapter and my whole class was struggling >> but I got the book that they annotated

>> so each each week I came in look at my annotations don't flip through it >> that's so funny right >> that's nice worked out for me thank you guys >> yeah will you I mean you say you're taking a break from writing but when you

do what is your process if you're on tour >> when I'm right on tour like whenever I'm on tour like like I I've been doing sets at improv this week just to work out material. Like I have the stories in my

material. Like I have the stories in my head that I want to tell, but it's basically like the architecture of putting them together in a way that there's a beginning, middle, and end instead of just eight stories, you know,

like you want a through line and you want to be like have callbacks. Like, so

if you start my if I start my show, I tell this really ridiculous story about me falling out of a helicopter into the Hudson River and my dog was with me and literally I was with my boyfriend at the

time and my dog jumped out of the helicopter after me to save me, right?

So like it's like where do I position that story so that I can bring like if I start with that story, I've got to end with something about a dog, you know?

Like if I start with my love of micro doing LSD, then I want to end or call back my micro doing of LSD or my dog ends up doing the LSD. It's all got to

be connected in a way where there is one there's a bunch of like five stories within a giant story.

>> One big story.

>> Yeah. So I look at it like that. And

that's my style of standup. My style is, you know, like very personal to me.

>> But you know, everybody's a little bit different with their kind of art and how they view it. Like I would never call what I do art, but you know, it's creative.

>> Yeah.

>> Thank you so much for stopping by our house, Chelsea. Get tickets for the high

house, Chelsea. Get tickets for the high and mighty tour at chelseyandler.com and check out her new special, The Feeling, on Netflix. Follow her advice podcast,

on Netflix. Follow her advice podcast, Dear Chelsea, and follow her on everything at Chelsea Handler. Thanks so

much for coming over to the House of Marave original. Be sure to watch and

Marave original. Be sure to watch and subscribe on YouTube and listen wherever you get your podcasts. Plus, follow the show on social media, House of Mar for clips and behind the scenes content.

We'll see you next time. See you next time. Thanks for coming. Thank you so

time. Thanks for coming. Thank you so much. So fun you guys.

much. So fun you guys.