Give me 15 Minutes and I'll Make you Dangerously Confident

What if I told you that confidence has

nothing to do with feeling ready and

everything to do with doing it scared? I

have built multiple businesses. I've led

massive teams. I've been on stages

terrified out of my mind. And somehow

I'm still standing. So, if you've ever

wondered how to stay calm in a situation

or how to stop overthinking or how to

build real confidence, here's how. I am

here to tell you how to actually build

confidence. Most people have it

backwards. Confidence is the output, not

the input. A lot of people ask me, Ila

how do I build confidence? And I get it

because it's just like everyone's like

"Oh, believe in yourself. You just need

to believe in yourself." And they think

that you need to write these

affirmations on the bathroom mirror

every morning. And listen, that's what I

did when I was in my early 20s. I

literally did this. I had it written on

my mirror. It was like, I am beautiful.

I am strong. I am capable. I am

confident. And guess what? Nothing

changed. It didn't do anything. Having

those things written on my mirror didn't

do jack for how I felt the rest of my

day. And the reason for that is because

confidence comes from action. And that's

why I say so often your mood, follow the

plan. Because if you keep the promises

that you make to yourself, especially

when you don't feel like doing it

that's the input that leads to the

output of confidence. And that's what

most people miss. They're so busy

chasing the result. It's like, if you

think about it, if somebody's like, I

really just want to be skinny, right?

And so that all they do is just like

thinking about being skinny, wishing

they could be skinny, but you're like

just get in the gym. Get in the gym, do

the workout, eat the food. You can't

just wish for it. You have to work for

it. So, I'll give you an example. At the

age of 21, I moved across the country. I

had no job. I had no money. And I had no

clue what the hell I was doing. I

certainly had no confidence in myself.

And I wasn't confident in my ability to

pull it off. And so, what I did is I

said, "Okay, I'm at least going to put

together a plan." So, what I did is I

moved to California. I got an apartment

and then I looked for every place that I

could work, which was a gym because I

have my degree in exercise science

within walking distance. And I had to do

walking distance cuz I was like, I can't

afford to pay for too much gas because I

don't have money. And so I ended up

getting a job at 24-hour fitness. And

when I got the job, what I realized

within the first two days was that the

job wasn't about fitness. It wasn't

about everything I'd learned. It was

actually about marketing and sales. And

I was terrified because I was like, I

have no idea how to do marketing and

sales. And I felt like this complete

imposttor syndrome. I just felt like an

out of my body experience because I was

like, "How am I supposed to do this?"

But at the same time, what I'm seeing is

my bank account every single day. I had

$5,000 and just down, down, down. My

rent was 1,400 a month, food, gas

everything else, insurance, paying off

my student loan debt, all those things.

Every single month, I was like, I've got

three months. And so I was like, I have

to learn how to do this. And the thing

is is that I knew I was like, I don't

want to be the person who walks out. I

don't want to be the person who quits

because I knew that was just going to

make me feel worse about myself. And so

I, put, in, the, reps., I, said,, I'm, going to

read five books on sales. I'm going to

be there at 4:00 a.m. I'm going to leave

at 9:00 p.m. I'm going to drill. I'm

going to take every opportunity to meet

with somebody who's better than me. I'm

going to, take, all, the, opportunity

possible to learn the skill. I was so

nervous the first time I went to make my

first sale that I went into the bathroom

because I thought I was going to throw

up. I went into the bathroom. I didn't

leave. I didn't quit. And what happened

was that I was absolutely

terrified for the first 30 days. I

remember the moment where I made my

first sale and my manager, my team

everybody came, they all crowded around

me and they were like, "You did it." And

what was crazy was that none of the

celebration mattered. It wasn't the fact

that everyone was congratulating me. It

wasn't the fact that I made the money.

It was the fact of how I felt about

myself. It was like this vision that I

had of my future self just got pulled

into reality. And every belief I had

about myself was broken. Right? Then I

didn't believe that I could make money.

I wasn't confident in my ability to sell

or to market until the sale happened.

And all of a sudden, it was like more of

what's possible came to mind for me.

Like I started to think about other

things I could do. I started thinking

about other skills I could acquire. I

started to think about other things

beyond the box that I had built of the

vision of myself. That's absurd to think

that if I was just reading affirmations

in the mirror that I suddenly would have

been good at sales. Like, I put in the

reps to get good at sales. And here's

the thing, success does not

discriminate. Confidence does not

discriminate. It doesn't care where

you've come from. It doesn't care about

your background. It doesn't care about

your experience. All it cares about is

the fact that you put in the work to get

it. So, if you see people, right, you

see people when you're younger and

you're like, "How is that person so

confident, right? like given all their

circumstances, maybe what they look

like, maybe their job, their career

they've done work that you haven't done.

And that's the thing, you have to work

for it. You have to put it into

existence and you have to make it

happen. Here's the thing. Your brain

gathers evidence, and evidence is what

builds the identity and confidence over

time. So, someone says to me, Ila, you

know, I want to go and speak at this

event, but I just I'm not confident to

speak at that event. I said, it would be

absurd to think that you would be

confident when you've never

spoken on stage before. Of course

that's not going to happen. Our brains

like to predict what's likely to happen.

If you've never done something before

your brain says, "I don't know what

could happen, so I'm going to make you

scared. And if you're scared, you're

going to avoid it." Which means that you

won't die. Right? Because our brains are

wired for survival, not success. And so

it is crazy to think that you would

actually have confidence when you

haven't done the thing yet. You will

become confident once you've done the

thing because your brain does it. It

sees you didn't die and it says, "It's

okay. You can do it again." Now, here's

the thing. I wasn't like forever

confident now because just like a muscle

that you work out gets weak if you don't

put it under pressure, so does

confidence. Confidence is like a muscle.

So if you don't work out that muscle

it's just going to get weaker and weaker

over time. So if you want to build

unshakable confidence, then you need a

habit that tracks the truth, not your

mood. Now, what do I mean by that? When

I was 100 lb overweight and I wanted to

lose that 100 lb, I said, you know what?

I'm just going to freaking start doing

what fit people do. I'm going to eat the

way they do. I'm going to work out the

way they do. I'm going to try and even

dress the way they do. And I'm gonna

hope and pray it actually works, right?

Because I'm sick of being fat. But the

most important thing I started doing is

I started tracking every single day what

I ate when I worked out. It's not that

within the day I lost 50 lbs between

Monday and Tuesday, right? But I did

notice that even if I felt like I

overeat or even if I felt like I was

slacking or even if I felt like my

workout wasn't perfect because I was on

a trip, I still consistently tracked and

I still saw progress over time. Now

maybe it wasn't between Monday and

Tuesday, but I could see it between

Monday and Monday or Monday and two

Mondays from now. And so I saw that the

line wasn't like this, the line was like

this. And over time I did make a lot of

progress. And that's when I realized

confidence comes from data, not

dopamine. And over time, what happens is

that evidence that you're feeding your

brain helps override the emotional

narratives that you tell yourself. Your

brain will follow the evidence. And so

tracking things and tracking our

progress. The reason why it keeps people

on track is because your brain looks at

it and it objectively says, "Oh, wow.

This is evidence. This is data. This is

important. And I'm going to believe it."

Before that, all that's happening is

that you feel like even when you're

making progress. Have you ever felt that

way before? Have you ever felt like

you're making progress, but you still

feel like good about yourself? Lots of

people actually feel that way. And the

reason why they feel like is because

they don't track their progress because

progress doesn't go like this. So, you

remember the days that you feel low, but

you don't remember the days that you

feel high. But if you look at the

progress and you track, you see all the

days that were high and then you're

like,, "Oh,, you, know what?, I, actually, had

five good days this week and really two

bad ones." But it's just that our brains

love to take the negative and make it

bigger than it is. And so we have to

fight that natural tendency by tracking

our wins. Now, here's the thing. If

you're struggling to stay consistent and

you're like, I am tracking things, but I

still don't feel confident and I don't

feel like I'm making progress, then my

guess is this. You're trying to go too

big. You're taking too big of a leap.

The fastest way to build confidence is

to start with something small, so small

that you can't lose. Okay? Great example

of this is I had a friend who every

single time he started with a new client

and this is a client who's trying to

lose weight. He did not get them to try

and eat less the first week. He didn't

get them to try and go to the gym the

first week. He didn't even have them

measure themselves the first week. The

first seven days of his program, he just

asked them to make their bed and take a

picture. Isn't that crazy? Now, why is

that? Because he wanted to make it

something so easy and so small that he

knew that by the end of 7 days, they

would feel good about the fact that they

had made their bed every day. And so

what that did is it created the

confidence in that person so that they

felt like they could take the next step.

And people think, "Oh, it's so small.

I'm not going to feel the reward of it."

That's not the case. That's not how it

works. You will feel good no matter how

small the progress was as long as you

get the reward. For example, every

quarter, every 3 months in my business

I decide what are my goals for that

quarter, right? And it's like, okay, I

have these three or four big goals that

I have for the quarter that I'm going to

tackle. But it's not that I just look at

it and say, did I hit it? Yes or no. I

take each goal and I break it down as

small as possible. And then every single

day I go in and I'm like, what have I

accomplished on the way to my goal? If I

have 20 steps in each of the goals I

have, I get to go in and I get to hit

check, check, check. And it's funny

because if I look at these goals, it

feels very overwhelming until I realize

that almost every day I'm checking off

at least one piece of one goal. And that

has helped me so much in realizing that

if I were to try and tackle all four of

those goals in one week, I'm going to

stumble. I'm probably going to fail

right?, And, then, I'm, going to, be, really

upset at myself. I'm going to feel bad.

I'm going to beat myself up. I'm going

have less energy to attack the next

thing. But if I break it down into small

steps and I just focus on, can I just

accomplish one step a day? Then I

realize like I feel a sense of momentum

and I feel good about myself. I feel

like, wow, I'm making progress. I'm the

kind of person who keeps their word. I'm

the kind of person who achieves their

goals. Versus the other narrative, which

is you try to take on something too big

and then you're like, I'm the kind of

person who doesn't achieve their goals.

I don't feel good about myself. And then

you spend all this time beating yourself

up because you set a goal that was too

big is unrealistic. The frame I use is

tiny tweaks. What is one tiny tweak I

can make today? And then what's one tiny

tweak I can make tomorrow? And so on and

so forth. And so like for example, when

I'm trying to lose 5 lbs, I'll be like

"Oh gosh, you know what? I had too many

bites of that ice cream tonight. What am

I, going to, do, tomorrow?", I'm, actually

not even going to say that tomorrow I'm

going to have zero dessert. I'm going to

say tomorrow I'm going to have a Ghirad

deli chocolate. Just one. Another

example, I have a lot of people that

join my team and they're really scared

of public speaking and they want to be a

leader in the company. And so they're

like, "Oh my gosh, I don't even

understand. You told me that we have

this full team meetup next year. How am

I going to get on stage and speak to the

team? I can't even barely do anything."

And I'm like, "Listen, baby steps, tiny

tweaks. Here's what we're going to do.

On the huddle on Monday, I want you to

just run this portion. It's 60 seconds.

Then on this meeting on Tuesday, I just

want you to give a shout out to one

person. And then on the next week, I

want you to own this portion. It's 120

seconds. And then I want you to also

give two shout outs to this person. And

I've used that methodology over time

where I take people from first they

couldn't even speak on a meeting. To

then they're running a piece of the

meeting to then they're running half of

the meeting to then they're running the

whole meeting to then they say, "Wow, if

you can run a meeting, you can do a

presentation to the team. Then they're

doing a presentation to their team. And

then, all, of a, sudden,, if, you, can, do, a

presentation to your team, you can do a

presentation to the whole team. And

they're doing a presentation to the

whole team. and eventually they're

speaking at our annual event. And I've

used this time and time again to take

people who were terrified of public

speaking and turn them into people who

are rock stars on stage. But it starts

with something as simple as I don't say

"Let's go get you on stage." I say

"Let's have you speak for 60 seconds on

a meeting on a Zoom call." But that

confidence that they build in doing

that, that's what gets them eventually

to the stage. So you now know confidence

is an output, not an input. You need to

track your wins to even create that

output. And you need to break those

tasks down into tiny tiny tweaks to get

there. But I know what you're thinking

which is what if I'm too scared to even

start the baby steps? What you need to

understand is that emotion follows

motion, not the other way around. Here's

what I've learned. Choosing to tolerate

fear and discomfort rather than trying

to eliminate it is how I've been able to

transform everything that I have done

everything I've been terrified from

from content creation to public speaking

to running a giant company to buying

multiple buildings to doing everything.

I was no less scared than you, than you

watching this video. I just decided that

I was willing to be scared. I decided

that I was willing to be uncomfortable.

Here's the thing. Fear is a mile wide

and an inch deep. Fear means your brain

is working properly. It's not wrong that

you feel scared. The thing that's

stopping you is the fact that you feel

like there's you must get rid of the

fear in order to do the thing. But

that's not how your brain has been set

up. I'm sorry to tell you. Your brain is

wired for survival, not success. it will

continue to feel scared until you do the

thing. The fear will be the strongest

before you have the breakthrough. And

then what I tell people is this and what

I've learned is that once you feel it

right, you step into the situation

you're scared of, you step on stage

you're behind a camera, you sign the

document, you can't control the fear.

And so whether you want the fear to go

away or not, it will. I promise you

because that's how we are

physiologically wired. So the moment you

step on stage, here's what's going to

happen. Say you're terrified of public

speaking. You're going to step on that

stage. This happens to me every time.

Mouth dry, palms are sweaty, knees weak

whatever it might be, right? I step on

stage, that's how I feel. Then within 15

seconds, my heart rate starts to go from

like 190 to like 150. And then within a

minute, I start to feel like I've spit

in my mouth again. And then within 2

minutes, I don't feel any of it. It's

not because I try to get rid of the

fear. It's because I didn't run away

from the situation and I didn't try to

get rid of the fear. And so what I

learned in doing all these things is

that my emotions follow my emotion. That

is how you behave your way into

confidence. And you build up so much

evidence that it would be unreasonable

not to be confident. So here's how I

want this to feel for you. I want you to

visualize what's the thing that you're

so scared of that you wish you had

confidence in order to confront it. And

now I want you to picture it like this.

This is how you actually confront fear.

You say, "Okay, here's this thing that

I'm really terrified of, right? Maybe

it's a conversation I'm gonna have with

my spouse. Maybe it's I'm going to tell

my parents I'm not going to college.

Maybe it's I'm going to fire somebody in

my company." Whatever it is, instead of

trying to meditate or trying to affirm

or trying to manifest the fear away, you

are instead going to say, you know what

I'm, going, to, take, the, fear., I'm, going to

put it all in my purse and I'm going to

take it with me to wherever I go and

whatever I do. So, I'm not going to try

and get rid of it. In fact, I'm going to

try and take it with me because I'm

still going to go do the thing. I'm

going to have the fear with me. It's

just like my little friend in my purse.

I know it's there. I feel it. It's like

in my stomach. It's like in my body. I

don't like it necessarily, but I'm going

to take it with me and I'm going to do

the thing anyways. And that is how I

approach everything in life. I'm not

confident because I don't have fear. I'm

confident because I do things despite

the fear. Here's the thing. Building

confidence is the first step to getting

anything you want in life and learning

the formula for how to build confidence

that you just learned this video. But

maybe now you want to take that and you

want to apply that to some other

specific areas of your life. And if

that's the case, if you want to learn

how to lead yourself better, if you want

how to learn how to lead people better

you can go ahead and you can watch this

video on the five skills that you need

to do