Hannah Gadsby | Woof! (Full Audio Album)

[cheering] Thank you. [applause]

Thank you. [applause] Thank you. Okay. Nice. Excellent. Warm.

Thank you. Okay. Nice. Excellent. Warm.

Cool.

Hey.

What's up with whales? [laughter]

Are they sad or am I projecting?

[laughter] All right. We'll circle back around to

All right. We'll circle back around to that. I don't think you're ready. Too

that. I don't think you're ready. Too

soon.

You'll have to excuse my voice. I'm um

I'm recovering from a bout of CO and uh this is what we're working with. It's

fine. It's very 2020.

[laughter] Uh in good news, my impersonation of my mother has never been better. So,

look out for that. Or as she'd say, right, I am going to continue to ignore current events.

[applause and cheering] So brave.

[laughter] What do you think whales would say when they discover we've been recording their personal private conversations

so we can listen to them while we fall asleep?

[laughter] This is a show about big questions. I

have a lot of very big questions like is it anxiety if it's rational? Here's

[laughter] another one. Here's another one. Where

another one. Here's another one. Where

have all the Cabbage Patch Dolls gone?

That is a serious question. Rhetorical,

but serious. Where have all the Cabbage Patch Dolls gone? They used to be important. They used to be a contender.

important. They used to be a contender.

People used to fight over them. It's

true. I saw it on the nightly news in the 1980s. I saw parents [ __ ] slapping

the 1980s. I saw parents [ __ ] slapping human children in the race to adopt one of those mixed plastic baby dolls.

Do we remember Cabbage Patch dolls?

Yeah. [applause and cheering] Do we remember when the news was nightly?

[ __ ] me. Just one little window into the world's woes and then the window closes and it's time for sport. Remember that?

Now we've got non-stop scatter gun trauma porn.

Just glued to the palm of our hands and there's no closure. I love closure.

[ __ ] love closure. I live for it.

It's my favorite sport. I want closure.

We don't have any closure, do we? But if

we're honest, have we ever had any closure?

Where are all the Cabbage Patch dolls?

There's no closure on that. Cuz that

frenzy of desire might have been biodegradable, but those anaphylactic plastic vizes weren't. Where the [ __ ] are they? Just haunting landfill across

are they? Just haunting landfill across the globe, huddled in cruciferous clusters piled high like a Blair Wits crockenbush.

Just lying and wait for future archaeologists to dust them off and declare the late 20th century an Andy's dystopia.

[laughter] The horror. The horror. I've been

The horror. The horror. I've been

worried about this for a long time. Not

a new hobby.

And the Barbie movie only made it worse.

That film compounded my fret exponentially because when I watched the Barbie movie, and I don't wish to offend anybody here

when I say this, this is my journey, but when I watched the Barbie movie, I didn't think about feminism at all.

I I'd already had all of those thoughts and quite a few more if I'm perfectly honest. I just arrived overprepared, you

honest. I just arrived overprepared, you know. Um,

know. Um, [applause] yeah, a classic nerd, you know. My bad. Um, it's a shame. I I

know. My bad. Um, it's a shame. I I

really wanted to be part of the group, but I didn't think about feminism. I

thought about plastic, past, present, and future plastic. Where does it all go? There's so much unresolved plastic,

go? There's so much unresolved plastic, and some of it is inside our bodies. We

just have to not care about that. And

what I want to know is, what good is feminism?

[laughter] What good is feminism if we're all going to end up like Laura Palmer, dead and wrapped in plastic?

Not everyone's going to get every reference in this show.

That's okay. That's just the world we live in now, isn't it? Like sand through the hourglass. These are the days

the hourglass. These are the days of my silo.

I think my algorithms are negging me.

Do you know what advertisements I'm getting predominantly on my various feeds?

Why would you answer? Um,

[laughter] if you're going to answer any, tell me where the Cabbage Patch dolls are.

[laughter] I'm getting chair yoga.

[laughter] Chair yoga and ADHD quizzes.

[laughter] Talk about reading the room and locking the door.

Another thing making me very anxious.

Um, I don't love Taylor Swift.

[applause] [sighs] I know. I don't hate her. That's

I know. I don't hate her. That's

different. I don't know how to love her.

[laughter] And it's not for a lack of trying. I've

tried twice.

I have once in 1989, the the era, not the year, and then again this year. The year year. And I it and I really did it in good faith. I

spend a lot of time, months, right? I

open myself up in good faith to Pesh mode. Come on, Taylor.

mode. Come on, Taylor.

Nothing.

Teflon.

There's something wrong with me. And I

was disappointed. I really want to be a Swifty. Looks fun. Looks like a nice

Swifty. Looks fun. Looks like a nice time. But also, what a great and easy

time. But also, what a great and easy and efficient way to just click into a big group. Just fan. Yep. Big group.

big group. Just fan. Yep. Big group.

You're part of a big group. I really

want to be part of a big group right now because fascism is rising. [laughter]

And you really need to be part of a big group right now. [laughter]

Yeah. [clears throat] Yeah. It's not

that funny.

It's just a week away. It feels like [laughter] Oh sorry.

This might be my last time here.

Anyway, there we go. Tap tap off script.

I'll go get back to it. Everything's

fine.

[laughter] I don't want to take Taylor away from anyone to be clear. If you're a Swifty, go for it. Amazing. Good time. Cuz I see the good, right? I see the sisterhood. I

see the community building amongst the Swifties. And that's great. And it's all

Swifties. And that's great. And it's all the more impressive considering that Taylor is pretty much just a can of Coke masquerading as a sorority cult.

[applause] You are welcome. [laughter]

It is going to get me canceled. I'm well

aware. Like I can feel like even amongst my fans going, "No, more of you. No,

no." And that's fine. I think it's important for the feminist movement to be able to hold space for ambivalence, [laughter] but that's not where we're at, is it? So I

will be cancelled by feminists and that's going to be a really interesting moment for the movement but also pretty cool because when the when the Swifties

cancel me and they will very motivated bunch when they cancel me they will have succeeded where many a man has failed.

[applause] And also, I'm pretty excited because I don't think there's anything more feminist you can do as a feminist than get cancelled by other feminists. You

know, it's it's all about the waves. We

all drown eventually. It's just

[laughter] my time. My time. My time. But fair play

my time. My time. My time. But fair play to Tay Tay. I I I like she she's a legit phenomenon. Like I am so impressed

phenomenon. Like I am so impressed intellectually. [snorts] I can't do what

intellectually. [snorts] I can't do what she does. I I I'm I'm just a clown.

she does. I I I'm I'm just a clown.

[snorts and clears throat] She is an artist.

She's an artist who's dedicated her entire URA to chronicling her love life, which he then pedals aggressively into each successive tween market.

I can't do that.

That would make me a groomer.

The car's already going to get cancelled. I might as well dig in. Hey,

cancelled. I might as well dig in. Hey,

look what you made me do.

Here it is. Okay, now it's time for sport. I don't watch sports. As a rule,

sport. I don't watch sports. As a rule, I find it too tense, you know, too tense and too boring at the same time.

Heavy mix. Uh, but I do like an occasion. Like I I like it's one of

occasion. Like I I like it's one of those things where again it's an easy way to connect to a large group. So I

give it a go. I like an Olympic and I I I I love watching inequality play out with medals. It's really easy way to

with medals. It's really easy way to keep tabs. And I also watched the World

keep tabs. And I also watched the World Cup last year, the women's football world cup. Does anyone anyone Yeah, it's

world cup. Does anyone anyone Yeah, it's a good time. Good time. I wanted to watch that specifically because I had read that there were going to be over 90 out athletes participating. I know. It's

incredible. I'm thinking in my lifetime, that's amazing. Back in the day, we

that's amazing. Back in the day, we weren't even sure if there were 90 of us total, let alone 90 fit ones.

Generally speaking, there only ever two of us. There was

of us. There was there was Ellen and whoever was thinking about Ellen.

And that's still a step up from the generation before. All they had was

generation before. All they had was Alice.

Alice, who the [ __ ] is Alice? Ellis is

the cleaner from the Brady Bunch.

Yeah, it's there if you want to see it.

But now we have we have 90 out athletes on the world stage and I'm all for it. I

love representation. I really do.

Particularly passive representation where I don't have to be it. I [ __ ] love it. So I watched it. Great time.

love it. So I watched it. Great time.

Good good time. No notes. What what a what a sport. Beautiful game. No notes.

But I didn't feel particularly represented by that lot. So many

ponytails and nail art. [ __ ] me. Great choices,

just not my choices. And also, without exception, they're all very fit and motivated. And I find it really hard to

motivated. And I find it really hard to plug into that. Like,

and at the end of the day, I can't pretend I don't have hands.

[laughter] I there are very few instincts I have in this life, but the very few that I have involve me having hands and using them.

It is about at this point that people like to point out the football loophole there, right? They're like, "You could

there, right? They're like, "You could be the goalie."

They get to use their hands. You could

be the goalie. No,

I will not. Not on that team. No. No.

Thank you. No. [laughter] Uhuh. Because

I would know. I would know if the ball ever got to me. I would know for a fact that my teammates did not do everything in their power to help me. It's not

enough. It's a bit too much like real life, isn't it? Help. Oh, my hands are tied.

Okay.

I reckon there would have been a lot of sex in that athletes village.

And it pleases me that it really for them, not me. I don't want to join in.

It's a it's a conceptual exercise, but my mind always turns to process.

How how do they how do they just do a lot of scissoring and tribotism in general because they're so used to pretending they don't have

hands?

[laughter] Or is it more like, oh, I can't afford to pull a hammy, but I won't be needing these tomorrow.

It's a show about the big questions.

Very big question. Here's another one for you. How about that internet?

for you. How about that internet?

[laughter] It's going off, isn't it? By round of applause, who here loves social media.

Oh no.

I reckon social media is where neurotypical people go to experience the worst of autism.

Everybody's everybody's masking.

Everybody's anxious. Nobody understands

tone, nuance, or context.

And everybody begins a comment with, "Well actually I think it's remarkable that we thought it was a great idea, a great idea to allow a demographic famous for their

lack of interpersonal communication skills to design and administer the infrastructure through which we all communicate.

That's like putting a Cabbage Patch doll in charge of the neonatal unit.

[laughter] What could possibly go wrong?

Silicon Valley. [laughter]

Silicon Valley sounds an awful lot like a flesh, doesn't it?

Come on. It has to be. Silicon Valley.

Has to be a euphemism for a flesh. Has

to be.

[laughter] Are we all across what a flesh is? I I I am aware that I have a core demographic

um that that shares no ven diagram with a flashlight. Um so for those uh party

a flashlight. Um so for those uh party faithful, I will um explain um and we're all going to love it.

Right. So a flashlight uh basically is a sex toy, right? Uh it's designed for solo penis play. I assume I have no hands-on

um experience. Um but I'm pretty sure

um experience. Um but I'm pretty sure it's it's not a party favor. I don't

believe anyone is passing the flesh to the left hand side.

Now it is tubular in shape. Uh sort of like a torch or or a flashlight if you will. Flashlight. Flashlight. It's very

will. Flashlight. Flashlight. It's very

clever. So many layers.

Just one to be clear. Just one layer.

Now, it is hollowish, but it is lined with some kind of soft landing silicon perhaps. And I believe the purpose of it

perhaps. And I believe the purpose of it is with your penis if you have one. You

[ __ ] it. Okay.

You You [ __ ] it like you would any disembodied cervix, anal cavity, or larynx.

It is pretty much just couch crack in a can. Just a

can. Just a just a little traveler right now.

Judgmentfree zone here. But what a perfect analogy for Silicon Valley where they're taking the sum of all life and then just [ __ ] humanity out of

the equation so they can what? Ejaculate

themselves into space.

[applause] Sounded like I did a magic trick then.

Wow.

There was a time when us humans were drowning in mysteries, so we turned to gods. Now we're choking on data. So,

gods. Now we're choking on data. So,

we're turning to AI. But I think AI and God are two sides of the same coin with which we're gambling away our existence on the arrogant bet that man is the

center of the universe.

Oh, yeah. I've been accused of killing comedy before. I'll do it again. Oops.

comedy before. I'll do it again. Oops.

Sorry for your loss. RIP. But did you know they're coming after riddles now?

Have you heard this? They're trying to cancel riddles. I know. Make the most of

cancel riddles. I know. Make the most of them while you can.

They're about to cross the road and we'll never know why.

But you've not heard about this. The

Alabama Supreme Court ruling earlier this year.

No. where they ruled that a post-birth child and an embryo are the same. Like a

six-year-old, for example, and a spittle of potential in a petri dish. Same guy.

Which renders the age-old question, which came first, the chicken or the egg into a moot point. They're now both legally chickens.

Um, it's no longer a query. It's just no worries. Solved chicken. That's it. No

worries. Solved chicken. That's it. No

worries anymore. No need to worry. No

worries. No worries. No worry. W

worries. I just worries. There's so many worries. I have I have so many so many

worries. I have I have so many so many worries. Like, are we all 9 months older

worries. Like, are we all 9 months older now?

Lesbians are going to have to backdate their star sign by 9 months. And I don't know how to be an Aries. [laughter]

How do you even make an omelet anymore?

Just kick a chicken off a cliff? This is

this is chaos.

Of course, it's big worries for people undergoing IVF and and vulnerable pregnancies, but also other demographics, other dem like vegans are not unaffected. Vegans used to be able

not unaffected. Vegans used to be able to eat Brussels sprouts. They cannot eat Brussels sprouts anymore because Brussels sprouts are fully formed cabbage patch dolls ready for adoption.

[cheering] I think it's high time your Supreme Courts here re-examined their own nomomenclature.

Supreme.

[laughter] I think it's time they named themselves after a less ambitious pizza.

[laughter] They're barely above cheese on toast at this juncture.

They But is it their fault? Is it their fault? They are working off a document

fault? They are working off a document pretty much written by an 18th century all male improv group.

It's like freedom.

[laughter] Yes. And guns go.

Yes. And guns go.

But didn't they rule about a decade ago that a corporation is a person? Does

that mean an embryo is a corporation now?

at least a startup.

The heartbeat bill is another one that gets me. The heartbeat bill, you know

gets me. The heartbeat bill, you know that one where they posit that you can't access an abortion after 6 weeks because the fetus has a heartbeat. That proves

nothing except [clears throat] that magical thinking is alive and well.

Because the thing about a six week fetus doesn't have a heart. It's not a sociopath. It It doesn't have a heart.

sociopath. It It doesn't have a heart.

Like, which came first, the heartbeat or the heart? It's the [ __ ] heart. It's

the heart? It's the [ __ ] heart. It's

not a riddle. You want it to beat, it has to be there. Do you know what? What?

It doesn't have a heartbeat. What it has is an electrical pulse, right? You know

what else has an electrical pulse? A

potato.

You You can stick nodes into a potato and run a clock off it.

science, but that's over.

It's I understand the biggest argument against abortion in this country is that it's not part of God God's plan. That

Yeah, that's always the argument. That's

why people don't want you to access.

It's not part of God's plan. That and

just subtext is we want to control women's bodies and give them no bodily autonomy. But that's subtext. Don't

autonomy. But that's subtext. Don't

worry about that. Boo. subtext.

It's not part of God's plan. But I don't know. I think that's just what Big

know. I think that's just what Big Embryo wants you to think.

Not part of God's plan. I think it's time we accepted that maybe God is not micromanaging anymore. I can't imagine

micromanaging anymore. I can't imagine any God with any kind of plan that involves Shamwow. [laughter]

involves Shamwow. [laughter] Not part of God's plan. By that logic, you really ought to ban Viagra.

Cuz surely surely a marshmallow [ __ ] is God's way of saying you're not part of my plan, mate.

[cheering] [applause] Not part of God's plan. God had his own son crucified at age 33. If that's not a

late term abortion, I don't know what is.

[applause and cheering] I had an abortion back in the day.

Absolutely I did because I love closure.

Woof. Look, I just I just need you to know this is a very different show than the one I had planned for you. I

just like I'd been working on a very different show for about eight months and then a week before opening night I just thought I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to do this one. 8 months

that's late term. But it also it wasn't viable. Um

viable. Um this is it's the right decision. This is

definitely the better show. But I

[laughter] I should say that also given that the theme of the show is I think I'm losing my mind.

Do we really want to trust my judgment on that? And I'm inclined to say no.

on that? And I'm inclined to say no.

See, what happened a week before opening night is I had a panic attack. Um, and

that's when I made my decision. I don't

if you've ever had a panic attack. Not a

great time for decisions. And it was a real doozy, too. It was a proper one.

Like, I vibrated myself into a faux cardiac arrest. And even as it was

cardiac arrest. And even as it was happening, I'm like, "Yeah, I got to talk about this on stage.

Yeah, that seems healthy." And look, I don't know if it is healthy. But it

wasn't lost on me that the last time I had a significant mental health episode whilst working on a new show, I wrote Nanette. Yeah. Don't [laughter]

Nanette. Yeah. Don't [laughter]

no clap.

Listen to what I just said.

[laughter] A significant mental health episode.

We are across when I say NET uh we're broadly across that because my my publicist is of the opinion everyone has moved on but my gynecologist called me Nette the other day so I'm like I don't

know I don't know it was a show that dropped on Netflix about I guess 6 years ago um I you know few jokes up the top then things went a bit south I kicked

off a bit ended on a sour note bit of trauma people loved it but this is Not Nette. To be clear, you this you're going to be fine. You're

going to be okay. There it is. I'm

vibing on a very different flavor of dissonance these days. This is anxiety, not trauma. Trauma is very heavy. It

not trauma. Trauma is very heavy. It

this is this is just very surface level, right? You know, anxiety chatty chatty

right? You know, anxiety chatty chatty crinkle brain. We're going to be okay.

crinkle brain. We're going to be okay.

Now, I had my panic attack in the worst possible place, right? An Airbnb.

Hands down the worst place to have a panic attack because what you don't need when you're being attacked by panic is to be told to live, laugh, love by a

throw cushion.

If you own an Airbnb, right, you should know there's a rental crisis going on right now. But you should also know

right now. But you should also know [applause] also you should know that you can you can have too many Buddhas.

Another thing that pushed me over the edge in the Airbnb was the plastic plants.

Okay. [laughter]

Plastic plants though. Why

plastic plants?

Like plants made out of plastic.

What have we done?

Like oxygen's a vibe. Like

plastic plants, guys.

Think about it.

Plastic plants.

Like plastic in the shape of plants.

Why plastic plants, guys?

Plastic plants. [laughter]

I don't know how else to say it.

Plastic plants.

Plastic plants. Think about it. Plastic

plants. plastic. I'm just going to keep repeating it until I sense a consensus.

Plastic plants, the plants where they make plastic plants kills a lot of plants. What are

we doing?

3 400 years ago, the English decimated their native woodlands, right? Without

recovery, they're gone. They decimated

so they could build their boats, so they could colonize the world. So what? We

can have eternal global conflict and plastic [ __ ] plants. Live, laugh,

[ __ ] [ __ ] I say [applause] forget you don't like that word here.

[laughter] We'll have guns and greed, but no Cword.

[ __ ] Puritans. Honestly, I I don't know if you know this, but Australia has a [clears throat] very different colonizing history to you. Like, I don't I don't It's unclear. Sometimes it's

unclear if you even know there's a world but that's okay. That's okay. You do have

that's okay. That's okay. You do have enough on your plate right now.

But we had a very different colonizing history. Same result, flesh and plastic

history. Same result, flesh and plastic plants.

We're a doomsday cult, but a very different beginnings. Australia was a

different beginnings. Australia was a convict colony, essentially a jail. My

people were pushed off on boats and go, "We we might see you later. Hopefully

not." Like, we were the scum of the earth and we were supposed to die.

Your fellas honestly believed they were spearheading God's actual plan.

Listen to yourselves. [laughter]

You ought to be more embarrassed by your founding fathers. Like, have some

founding fathers. Like, have some humility. You didn't laugh, but I need

humility. You didn't laugh, but I need you to know everywhere else in the world thinks that's hilarious.

[applause] Anyway, so I threw a show out. Uh, I

don't want you to think you're missing out because you're not getting the show I worked on for 8 months. Wasn't very

good. Um, only had one joke. That's not

enough. That's not enough. Even the net had five. Okay. So, it was it was a good

had five. Okay. So, it was it was a good joke though. The one joke uh I was going

joke though. The one joke uh I was going to begin the show with it. And you got to have a lot of confidence in a in a joke to be able to start a show with it, right? Remember the cabbage patch doll

right? Remember the cabbage patch doll stuff? Arresting. This joke also. So, I

stuff? Arresting. This joke also. So, I

was just going to walk out, no preamble, and just get into it. I was going to go knock, which should give you an indication as to the caliber of that show, right? We'll do it anyway. Knock

show, right? We'll do it anyway. Knock

knock.

Not my daddy's dead now.

[laughter] Yeah. Look,

Yeah. Look, it is a good joke [laughter] cuz I've been having a lot of trouble telling people that dad has died as a

public figure. Mum knows.

public figure. Mum knows.

And I think that joke like perfectly encapsulates that struggle whilst also simultaneously resolving the underlying issue. You now know. And I have spoken

issue. You now know. And I have spoken about my dad in my work. So I feel an obligation to let people know, right?

But I'm not posting about it on social media because so I've decided to go analog. That's

what's happening here. Um I'm just telling one room at a time.

It's going to take a long time. Look,

I'll admit it's not particularly efficient, but it's the path I've chosen. So, in the meantime, I would

chosen. So, in the meantime, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone.

It is best if it comes from me. Okay.

Thank you. Appreciate that. So, this was going to be my dead dad show. Um, look,

this is a right of passage in in comedy.

There are dime a dozen. Um quite a lot of comedians have have dads who don't live forever. Um and usually he gets it.

live forever. Um and usually he gets it.

And uh it's often the dead dad show is where a male comedian will go to have his first feelings on stage. Um it's it's quite

adorable. But also I don't think I have

adorable. But also I don't think I have a dead dad show. Right. I just don't. My

dad was a really nice man. He was kind.

He was gentle. And we had a great relationship. I have zero daddy issues.

relationship. I have zero daddy issues.

Right. It's why I don't sleep with men.

[applause] [cheering] The logic of that bottoms out under scrutiny like like most things based in misogyny.

Um, [laughter] okay. So, it's not my dead dad show,

okay. So, it's not my dead dad show, right? I was anxious. I was very

right? I was anxious. I was very anxious. And I think I was right to be

anxious. And I think I was right to be anxious because I was about to go public with my grief. And look, there's no road map for how autistic people are supposed

to grieve. But I do know for a fact you

to grieve. But I do know for a fact you can do it wrong.

You can as a public figure. You can

absolutely grieve incorrectly. I saw it on the nightly news in the 1980s.

That dingo did take that lady's baby.

[laughter] [cheering] Now, I am aware not everyone is going to get [applause and cheering] that reference

as deeply as it deserves, but that's okay. The main takeaway here, though,

okay. The main takeaway here, though, really, is that I'm still processing things that happened in the 1980s, [laughter] right? That's too slow. I am a slow

right? That's too slow. I am a slow twitch thinker in a fast twitch world. I

cannot keep up. Knock knock. Don't

answer that. I'm avoidant.

[laughter] It's It's mostly why I can't keep up, I imagine. Because thing is I I cannot I

imagine. Because thing is I I cannot I do not deal very well when I have to have a too many feelings at once. I'm

very prone to the disassoc right. It's

[laughter] almost almost like I have a disability and I so I I really can't I can't, you

know, so I I can only tell you how I'm feeling in hindsight, right? I I have to wait until the

right? I I have to wait until the feelings party is over and then I'm some kind of detective just picking over the remnants of my emotional landscape trying desperately to solve the true

crime that is my state of mind.

Right? You know when people say, "Oh, they're an old soul.

Oh [laughter] they're an old soul. They've been here before. They're an old soul." Not me.

before. They're an old soul." Not me.

This is definitely my first time around the block.

I am so confused. I am perpetually confused. What's happening?

confused. What's happening?

Generally speaking, though, I think this show is a mistake. [laughter]

I do. I cuz think about anxiety. This

doesn't help. I'm sorry. I thought it would. No, it's making it worse. What

would. No, it's making it worse. What

this show should have been about is how I've got a gratitude journal and a meditation practice, right? I don't.

[ __ ] that [ __ ] But [laughter] but I should because they're your best bets to combat anxiety, right? A

meditation practice and a and a and a gratitude journal. I I read about it on

gratitude journal. I I read about it on the internet. Um, what isn't advice

the internet. Um, what isn't advice anywhere, not even on Reddit, is to take all of your anxieties, lay them at the feet of strangers

who reward you richly with cash and claps.

That's not advice because that's batshit. This is batshit.

Now, don't worry. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not in trouble,

anything wrong. You're not in trouble, but you are complicit.

So there we are.

Okay. So what is making me anxious?

Well, thank you for asking. I am worried I'm being changed by my success and not for the better. I believe I'm in great danger of disappearing up my own

[ __ ] Right. I don't want to, but it feels a

Right. I don't want to, but it feels a little bit inevitable like the infrastructure is in place. I have two mattress toppers.

My bed is so comfortable and that keeps me up at night.

That's not okay cuz there's there's been times in my life where I haven't been able to sleep because I didn't have adequate heating and my bones were frozen solid cold, right? And I was laying awake just going, "How how am I

going to do this? How am I going to get through life?" That is a very different

through life?" That is a very different flavor of loneliness than being all warm and snug up your own [ __ ] a top two mattress toppers [laughter] just going why

comedy like a princess with an existential pee. But even the thought of

existential pee. But even the thought of just taking away one mattress topper feels like an act of self harm,

right? because the infrastructure is in

right? because the infrastructure is in place and I don't know what to do about it because just like Elon Musk, I'm not an engineer,

right? Because I I jumped up a few

right? Because I I jumped up a few socioeconomic bracks very quickly, like whiplash quick. Now, I'm I'm not going

whiplash quick. Now, I'm I'm not going to say it's hard. It's It's not hard.

It's quite nice, but it is discombobulating because I don't I didn't have any training. The first 40 years of my life absolutely did not

prepare me for the life I've stumbled into. And I don't want to be all new

into. And I don't want to be all new money about it, but I do want to contextualize my wealth [laughter] because I am new money. Um, but I've

also just worked out that in terms of my financial situation, I am pretty much on equal terms with Taylor Swift.

I know. Thank you. Thank [laughter] you.

Before she started making music.

Rich people are monsters. That

is my school report. Now, there might be a few of you in. Uh, it is the town and who else can afford tickets? So, you're

probably sitting there just going A that's just my blanket impersonation of rich people.

Now you probably are we monsters? Yeah,

a little bit. Little bit. Yeah, a little bit monsters. Ah, cuz I stay in a lot of

bit monsters. Ah, cuz I stay in a lot of posh hotels when I tour because I deserve it. And I do it wrong because I

deserve it. And I do it wrong because I ask questions and people who work in posh hotels are not trained to answer questions. They're trained to respond to

questions. They're trained to respond to demands. It's a very distinct

demands. It's a very distinct difference. You could go up to the

difference. You could go up to the concurge and just say, "Hey, I want you to go up to my room and collect all my dirty laundry. I've left it strewn about

dirty laundry. I've left it strewn about the apartment all over the floor, sunny side up. [laughter]

side up. [laughter] I want you to pick it all up, launder it, and fold it and put it back into my suitcase post haste jump." Right? You

can say that. And they're like, "Absolutely. Thank you very much. Thank

"Absolutely. Thank you very much. Thank

you so much for the opportunity. Thank

you." But if you're like me, you go down to the concurge and say, "Hey, is there any way I can do my own laundry?"

laundry?" And they're like, "Oh, [laughter] I still don't know.

There are no toilet brushes in posh hotels.

I rest my case. Rich people are [ __ ] monsters.

Like I have to travel with a spare toothbrush.

[laughter] It's a spare. It's the spare.

It's not the one. Right. But I firmly believe you should not expect anybody else to clean your [ __ ] up after you.

Okay. A few in if you're physically able to do it yourself. Now, I'm talking to you rich people and men in general. Just

[applause] Just give it the old Jack reach around.

You get it.

I I used to clean for a living. Alice

was very influential and specifically I used to clean motel and you know as far as fine as far as jobs go it was fine. Look, it didn't pay the bills but it kept me busy.

Essentially the opposite to this situation I find myself in now. And I

remember once, right, I went in to clean a room, uh, as was my want a job. And I

remember at first glance, everything was as it should be, a classic motel room, like a symphony of sad brown and stagnant silence and no hope. Classic

motel. And I said about my business and then I saw it, right? It was in the middle of the floor.

It was a packet of biscuits. Tim Tams to be specific. A packet of Tim Tams. An

be specific. A packet of Tim Tams. An Australian classic. right now. It was

Australian classic. right now. It was

just the tray, right? The sleeve had been removed to where we do not know.

Okay. And in that in the in the packet, there were only five Tim Tams left. Now,

I knew that at a glance because I know how many biscuits there are in any given glance. It is [laughter] a gift. And

glance. It is [laughter] a gift. And

that told me there were six Tim Tams missing. And I know that at a glance

missing. And I know that at a glance because I know there are 11 Tim Tams in a packet. And I know that because 11 is

a packet. And I know that because 11 is a cruel amount of biscuits, right? That

is not a sharing number, right? So I was triggered. Now

triggered. Now in the space where those six missing biscuits had once been was a perfectly

formed human [ __ ] Now I just need you to know that I didn't spend any time studying this tableau. I didn't look at it for any

tableau. I didn't look at it for any length of time. I saw it and I dealt with it, right? I picked it straight up by the biscuits. [laughter]

It was quite clever actually. I picked

it up on the biscuit end. I just gave the biscuits a squeeze, got a bit of purchase, and then I lifted up. It was a bit heavy, but we used angles. And then

I went into the bathroom and just flicked it off into the toilet there.

Just dropped the kid off at the pool real quick. And then I removed the

real quick. And then I removed the furthest two biscuits. [laughter]

We're learning more about you here than me. [laughter]

me. [laughter] All I'm saying is I did not spend any time studying this. But that image of a [ __ ] in a Tim Tam packet has seared

itself into my mind's eye to such a degree it's almost ruined my life. It is

there with a great deal of detail and clarity and it pops into my mind anytime it likes not when I like. It's there now

and it is in such detail and I think the reason it has stuck into my mind so sharply and permanently is because essentially it was a good job.

It was it was vile, disgusting and unnecessary. Certainly all of the above,

unnecessary. Certainly all of the above, but it was well executed.

Now, this wasn't the first time I'd had to clean up other people's [ __ ] right?

But generally speaking, when somebody leaves a [ __ ] behind as a statement, which this clearly was,

usually the statement is smeared. Okay,

that is kindergarten level. this

graduate level. Okay. It was well executed. It was perfectly straight.

executed. It was perfectly straight.

No deviations, no rest rings. It was

cleanly tapered at each end, touching neither biscuit nor plastic. It was

filling the space without cramming.

There was elegance in the placement, but no evidence of handling.

It's like immersive theater or performance art. And of course, my mind

performance art. And of course, my mind turns to process. How

was it laid elsewhere then placed in situ or was it cabled indirectly?

If that's the case, that only adds an element of difficulty. I'll only ever be in awe of [laughter] I think it's pretty funny that my first

question [snorts] was how like that like not why why or who they really should have been the two questions on loop very aggressively

[ __ ] why and [ __ ] who but not me I'm just like how now I do wonder how I would cope if I stumbled upon on a [ __ ] in a Tim Tam

packet. Now, um I think context is

packet. Now, um I think context is everything. I think that kind of

everything. I think that kind of surprise deposit would read very differently in a posh hotel than it would in a motel. Like it almost seems part of the symphony of sad brown if we're honest. But I'd like to think I'd

we're honest. But I'd like to think I'd take it in stride, you know, just go down to the concierge on the quiet and just say, "Hey,

is there any way I could clean these two biscuits?

I [laughter] I don't know. I don't think I would take it in stride. I'm going to be perfectly honest. Cuz the thing about cleaning up

honest. Cuz the thing about cleaning up other people's [ __ ] it's not like riding a bike.

It is a skill you lose. Like, you just lose it. Like, I don't need it. And you

lose it. Like, I don't need it. And you

lose it. It's gone. I don't think I can clean up other people's [ __ ] anymore.

I've lost pretty much all my skills since n like since success. I've lost

all of my skills. Honestly, I have one left. This This is it. And by skill, I

left. This This is it. And by skill, I mean I have the capacity to stand in front of a room full of strangers and not feel scared.

Dead insight. Dead insight. I'm not

scared. You are. That's the dynamic.

Right? But I don't take that to mean that everything I have to say is worth your while. Right? Uh, I am very

your while. Right? Uh, I am very charismatic in my own way, but I'm also skating on very thin mental health eyes, which begs the question, why am I

allowed to do this?

Where's the oversight? This doesn't feel very smart. Why am I allowed to have the

very smart. Why am I allowed to have the loudest voice in the room? I just told you significant mental health situation.

And you're like, yes, like I just need you to know that I'm struggling against this, right? I don't

I don't want to lose myself in success.

I don't want to become a bad apple.

Right? I just I just want to share with you that I'm struggling. So if on the occasion I do become a bad apple, you'll know. I've just lost the struggle.

know. I've just lost the struggle.

Right? I'm just I'm just giving you the tools to separate later me from my earlier art. Okay? You can just draw a

earlier art. Okay? You can just draw a line. Became a [ __ ] I know you can do

line. Became a [ __ ] I know you can do it.

I figure as long as I don't write, produce, and star in a television show, I name after myself. [laughter]

Thank you. It is very good. And but you know, it's no guarantee, you know, because it's not just the new money. It

is fame. Like how many times can you be on again, off again with Ben Affleck [laughter] and still just be Jenny from the block?

Honestly, cuz I haven't even met Ben Affleck and I've changed.

Like I have I've got confidence now.

That's new. Like I don't know. Sure.

Thanks. Yeah. Lovely. I don't know what to do with it. Like I'm just got confidence. I just sit around being all

confidence. I just sit around being all confident like some kind of man.

I've changed. I've changed. And if

you're sitting there going, "No, you haven't. You haven't changed." Let me

haven't. You haven't changed." Let me dissuade you of that notion. Look at

this. I don't need glasses. It's a [ __ ] ruse.

glasses. It's a [ __ ] ruse.

[laughter] Where's my authenticity now, [ __ ] [cheering] It's a ruse. Who even am I? It's a new

ruse. I just had las eye surgery.

ruse. I just had las eye surgery.

Let's get some pew pew. Now,

when I had the procedure, it's not a very dramatic procedure, but when I had it, I was walking out and they gave me a little uh a little gift bag. And in that

gift bag were two lint chocolate balls.

[laughter] And I said to me, you you're joking.

You You're taking the piss, right?

You're joking. And they're like, "No, that's just a little something something. Just a little little pickme

something. Just a little little pickme up. Little something something. Nice

up. Little something something. Nice

little thing we do. Just a little something something." This is what I

something something." This is what I said to the eye specialists. I said,

"You couldn't find a chocolate that looks more like a human eyeball.

If you tried and this is what the eye specialist said, huh? [laughter]

said, huh? [laughter] Did not notice that.

You should have.

You gave me two."

I refuse to believe that's a coincidence.

I had las eye surgery for very petty reasons. I I put a put a promotional

reasons. I I put a put a promotional image of myself up on the internet classic and I wasn't wearing glasses and

the response was bewildering.

Other people's attachment to my glasses [laughter] bewildering.

And it wasn't just from my parasocials.

It was from my actual socials, especially the socials that take anywhere between 10 to 15% of my profit.

[snorts] They were like, "What are you doing?"

doing?" Well, nobody will know who you are. You

have to put your glasses back on. You

are your glasses. What are you doing?

Put your glasses back on. You are your glasses. Put them back on. We can't sell

glasses. Put them back on. We can't sell you.

Put your glasses.

Of course, I resisted with vigor. I

said, "I'm not my glasses, am I not?"

Pew pew. Nah,

totally won that. I totally won that.

But [laughter] it actually turns out that I am a little bit [clears throat] my glasses because I

miss them on my face. Don't make that sound. I'm a [ __ ] idiot. [laughter]

sound. I'm a [ __ ] idiot. [laughter]

Clearly, I have branded myself deeper than I understood.

The irony being I can see that now.

[cheering] And I don't like it. This I don't like it. I full of regret. Seeing clearly

it. I full of regret. Seeing clearly

overrated.

It's just more information I have to process, right? And there's already enough to

right? And there's already enough to process. I'm still in the 1980s. There's

process. I'm still in the 1980s. There's

already too much. I really miss the option to just go, "Nope. I have no idea what's happening over there.

I'm losing my mind." Like I like I say that as a joke. Also true. But also, I don't think I'm alone. I feel like I think we're all on the skids a little bit. Like I don't feel like anyone's

bit. Like I don't feel like anyone's flourishing.

I think we've been losing our minds for a long time. I think maybe the industrial revolution kicked it off. I

don't know. just asking questions. But I

think the rot I reckon the rot really sets in uh when our social media feeds went from a timeline to algorithmic popcorn. Cuz back in the day we mightn't

popcorn. Cuz back in the day we mightn't have known who was saying what, but at least we understood when and now it's just all over the place and we're all perpetually confused. And and

we know that this change to our social fabric wasn't made for fun. Nobody is

having fun. We know this change was made to capitalize on the anxious attention of billions for the profit of a very pathetic few. We all across what a data

pathetic few. We all across what a data farm is. You know what a data farm is?

farm is. You know what a data farm is?

It's where they farm data. It's like a paddic full of servers going I think.

I've never been there but that's Do you know that this is happening on this is do you know who the data pigs are on the data farm? That's us.

data farm? That's us.

They're they're farming our data to sell ourselves back to ourselves. And now

we're stuck. We're just stuck in this attention economy. You know, living in

attention economy. You know, living in the age of harvesting our own discontent. And our world is nothing

discontent. And our world is nothing more than an everexpanding murder board of first thoughts, hot takes, and grand illusions. There's no depth to our

illusions. There's no depth to our collective thinking anymore because there's no time to think. There's no

time to process. There's no time to grieve. We've become locusts to our own

grieve. We've become locusts to our own existence. Oh, look, a new meme. I can't

existence. Oh, look, a new meme. I can't

keep up. Like, I still haven't worked out what does the fox say.

I'm just done. I'm cooked. I'm baked. I

like I don't understand when we're supposed to grieve. Like, not just as individuals, but also collectively.

Like, when are we going to have a good chat about the pandemic?

Not now. I'm not equipped. But I I I feel like we need to So many people died alone. We need to talk about this.

died alone. We need to talk about this.

There's so much grief, so much unresolved grief, and some of it is inside our bodies, and we just have to not care about that. And it's like, oh, no, no, no. Supply chains, supply chlorines.

It's like it does my head in. And the

the worst the worst thing I think about when someone you love dies, apart from the whole dying thing, [snorts] is all the paperwork.

The bureaucracy of death is almost criminal. I've been calling it admin

criminal. I've been calling it admin grief. Um, but someone corrected me

grief. Um, but someone corrected me recently and said, "I think you mean sad men."

men." I'm like, "Yes, I think you are right. I

think I do mean sad men." I'll give you an example of sad men. Um, we wanted to get rails put up on my dad's nursing home bed. Um, because he w he he wasn't

home bed. Um, because he w he he wasn't in control of his role, right? Um, he

had a had a brain tumor uh at that stage. He had a tumor, which I shouldn't

stage. He had a tumor, which I shouldn't say like that. Anyway, you get it.

Comedy. Anyway, so we wanted to get a nursing rails put up on on dad's bed, and they said, "Sure. How about you fill in this stack of forms and we'll see what we can do." And I said, "Well, we

could just see what we could do and put them up." And they're like, "Yep, fill

them up." And they're like, "Yep, fill in the forms and then then we'll we'll work it out." And said, "Yeah, but they're right there." Boop. Please fill

in the forms. Protocol protocol this boop. No, [laughter]

boop. No, [laughter] please just fill in the forms. Can you fill in the forms and then we'll we'll we'll get on to this. And said, "Yeah, but it's getting dark. We could just He's going to be asleep soon. We can

just boop in the meantime. Please fill

in the forms." You start filling out the forms, but before they can be processed, your dad falls out of bed.

And that sets off another round of significant paperwork, which of course never gets processed because in the meantime, your dad dies. Now, I wasn't

there. Uh, and that grieves me. It

there. Uh, and that grieves me. It

wasn't, it's not realistic to expect that I could have been there, but dad was always there for me. So, it does grieve me. I was at home. I was watching

grieve me. I was at home. I was watching the World Cup. My niece had just scored tickets to Taylor Swift and everybody was wearing pink on the television. I

remember these things very clearly. And

that trifecta of detail there should solve one of the biggest mysteries of this show. Why am I still doing material

this show. Why am I still doing material about Barbie?

A good year after peak relevance.

There is a lot of dated material up top.

World Cup. So, last year, my best guess is I've kept these jokes in the show because I wrote them when dad was still alive. Even the knockk knockock joke,

alive. Even the knockk knockock joke, uh, which he loved, by the way. He used

to make me tell it to people who visited. And

visited. And honestly, it didn't work as well with him in the room. [laughter]

So, I think what we're learning is the first 20 or so minutes of this show is pretty much my avoidant thinking suspended in the amber of my craft. I don't want to

move on from those. Maybe it's selfish.

Maybe you came here looking for fresh and yet here I am being nostalgic.

I don't want to let those jokes go because they are of a time when I didn't have to look at my grief directly.

And what is nostalgia if not a desperate bid for closure without processing?

And I I realized that I I couldn't do my dead dad show because I couldn't think about my dad, much less talk about him,

because I couldn't move past the image of him lying alone on a nursing home floor for hours on the penultimate day of his life. And I wasn't there to see

it. I shouldn't have a memory of it, but

it. I shouldn't have a memory of it, but there it is, seared into my mind's eye as clear as any [ __ ] in a Tim Tam packet. And whenever I tried to think

packet. And whenever I tried to think about my dad, that is the image that would come up. My entire understanding of my dad and our relationship and all

my memories were locked up and held hostage by this madeup image.

In good news, that has started to lift in the last month. I I've been touring this show for nine months now. Um, full

term and I [laughter] things have started to move and I I don't have all my memories back of dad, but when I do think about him now, that madeup memory has been replaced by a

genuine memory and I'm very thankful. It

was a very cute little memory. It was

mom feeding dad custard in hospital. She

kept doing this. She'd go

She'd open her mouth like she was feeding a child.

And eventually dad said, "Close your bloody mouth. I'm trying to eat."

bloody mouth. I'm trying to eat."

That's a great memory. It's a little It's a small memory, but it kind of holds my entire universe at the same time. It's a great portrait of my

time. It's a great portrait of my parents at a very tender moment. But

also, I like to think about that because I'm always struck by just how different a perspective all three of us had to the same grief.

And that makes me feel a part of something, like something small, but also universal.

And I don't want to talk at length about dad. Um, like I said, I don't think I'm

dad. Um, like I said, I don't think I'm ready. Um, but I do want to share what I

ready. Um, but I do want to share what I love most about my dad. Uh cuz he he wasn't he wasn't a demonstrative guy, right? You know, he wasn't a a Tuesdays

right? You know, he wasn't a a Tuesdays with Mory kind of chap. He wasn't

rushing us with all these hard fought wisdoms there. Like he's more weekend at

wisdoms there. Like he's more weekend at Bernies if we're absolutely honest. Do

you know all his entire life, mind you, my dad was aggressively placid. He

really he really only loved three things in this world and that's my mom, uh his wife obviously, uh his children and dairybased desserts. Um and I think

dairybased desserts. Um and I think that's just a really wise way to live cuz he invested his whole life, all his love into those three things. And those

three things were able to be with him at his deathbed. Right? That's smart.

his deathbed. Right? That's smart.

Dairybased desserts. Genius. Quiet

genius. If you if your favorite food is steak, you got to let that go early.

dairybased desserts there to the end.

He's a smart man, right? And the thing about my dad, he understood what he needed from life. And more than that, he understood when he had it. My dad knew

how to be content. And in a world full of striving and ambition, it's easy to miss that, worse, dismiss it. But right

now, I kind of see it as aspirational.

He was of a different generation obviously. Um he was silent generation.

obviously. Um he was silent generation.

My mom is also silent generation although you would never know it. Um

she's doing okay by the way. Um she's

very determined to keep on trucking. I

visited her before I came away from tour and I stumbled into the room. Not

literally. I'm just a bit dozy as a general just what room am I in now? Um,

no. Mom was on the phone to a service provider, right? And I walked in just

provider, right? And I walked in just she she was arked up. She's hot. She's

hot. Running hot. And I walked in and she said, "No, if you were sorry for my loss, you'd stop sending bills in his name.

[laughter] I know." And then she said, "No, I'm not

I know." And then she said, "No, I'm not coming in. Why should I? If you send

coming in. Why should I? If you send another bill to Roger Gadsby, I'm not going to pay it because I'm not Roger Gadsby and he's not going to pay it because he's dead.

So, she's clearly through denial.

[laughter] But overhearing that depressed me on many levels, not least because what she just did there heaps funnier than that knockk knockock joke I worked on for 8

months. No wonder I was anxious. So now

months. No wonder I was anxious. So now

it might seem like I'm cracking the code of my grief and it just needed time.

That seems like where we're at. But some

other evidence has come to light because another thing keeping me up at night, sleep apnnea.

It turns out I've been slowly choking myself to death on my own soft pallets.

In other words, I'm well hung but not bow house design. So, I have been sticatoes asphixxiating myself into an

early grave, right? I stop breathing on average 78 times an hour. I know. To

give you context, between 20 to 30 times an hour is considered severe. I'm very

good at it. You're welcome. What a hero.

Turns out I do have another skill.

[laughter] I think what we can what we can glean from this is I'm probably not part of God's plan.

[laughter] Do we have anyone with sleep apnnea in?

Yeah. Okay. To give you context here, have we got any vegans in?

Yeah. Similar energy level. You get it.

[laughter] Now I'm That's a really cheap joke.

It's a cheap joke. Enjoy it.

[laughter] I'm on the CPAP therapy now.

That's a It's a pretty simple thing.

What it is is a little box that sits on your bedside table. It's attached to a mask on your face by way of an elephant trunk tube, which pushes pressurized oxygen through the heavy saloon doors

that are my addenoids. It's a gamecher.

I can't believe there are people who've been diagnosed with sleep apnnea who refuse to use the CPAP. Blows my mind.

It's always the same. Everyone's just

like "Oh no no no no no no no.

It's not attractive.

[laughter] It's not very sexy." And I'm like, "Cool story, but you are dying."

Right. And and just out of curiosity, how sexy do you think [clears throat] is is

personally I think the CPAP is sexy?

Absolutely I do. What lesbian doesn't want to snorkel?

But also [laughter] also I think it's sexy because it's making my brain work and that feels like a priority because the thing about your

brain is it needs oxygen and sleep even at night. And I wasn't getting that for

at night. And I wasn't getting that for Lord knows how long and I was in cognitive decline. My brain had become

cognitive decline. My brain had become smooth like a balloon. I was struggling to rub two thoughts together and the the CPAP therapy has has reversed this. My

thinking is now back. And honestly, it's back a little too much cuz I don't know if you've noticed, but it's a lot out there. There's a lot going on. There's a

there. There's a lot going on. There's a

lot to process. And honestly, I miss not being able to process it effectively.

Sometimes I take a few nights off the CPAP and just suck back on a few nostalgia chokes, right? Just like But I my my thinking is back and that makes me

wonder, you know, I have a lot of questions about this. First of all, was I having trouble processing grief or was I having trouble processing full

stop? And the answer to that, of course,

stop? And the answer to that, of course, is legally chicken.

Another question, why didn't my phone know?

[laughter] You can't tell me. My phone did not hear me choking.

It hears everything. How could it not hear that? Huh? Like, it heard. It just

hear that? Huh? Like, it heard. It just

didn't care.

But I I am awake now in ways I don't think I've ever been in my adult life. I

have PEP. That's new. And that worries me. Worries because now I don't believe

me. Worries because now I don't believe I can identify as tired. [laughter]

See, no. That was the big takeaway from Nanette is I identify as tired and I wear glasses. Who the [ __ ] even am I

wear glasses. Who the [ __ ] even am I anymore, right? I feel the pressure to declare a

right? I feel the pressure to declare a new identity as a public figure.

Privately, I just feel better. But we

don't we don't like it when public figures just change. We expect a timely and palatable rebranding. Uh but here's my complication. I went through

my complication. I went through menopause quite early like very early like I paused them in early [clears throat] right and that comes with a few issues you see and through the course of

treatment my doctor suggested I go on hormone replacement therapy but he didn't specify which hormone so I chose testosterone okay [clears throat] just a little right just

a little something something just a little little now I was quite happy to keep that between me myself and my

doctor. But then my balls dropped and

doctor. But then my balls dropped and I can't keep starting shows pretending I have co.

[applause and cheering] [cheering] Now, [applause] the irony being I'm on testosterone and

I've never sounded more like my mother.

Now, you're probably wondering, is this contributing to your anxiety, Hannah? Is

this perhaps per chance? And I want to be clear, absolutely not. I work in a famously transitive industry.

I'm I feel like it's going to be nothing but support and love in this very famously transitive moment in time. I

feel like the fascists are really going to love this and I look forward to blossoming. Um but uh I I do feel

blossoming. Um but uh I I do feel obliged. I'm going to do a little bit of

obliged. I'm going to do a little bit of a palatable rebranding now for you um because you're here and I appreciate that. Now to be clear, I'm not

that. Now to be clear, I'm not transitioning. I I don't want to be a

transitioning. I I don't want to be a man. Okay? Have you met [laughter] them?

man. Okay? Have you met [laughter] them?

No, no, no. Sorry, fellas. Sorry. I'm

joking. I'm joking, of course, a little bit. But I No, I should No, no.

bit. But I No, I should No, no.

[laughter] I should keep you more on side, fellas. I'll need you when the

side, fellas. I'll need you when the Swifties cancel me. I'll need you for that right-wing grievance tour. [ __ ] That's where the money is.

I I love my audience, but you're not cash rich. It's just not the profits in

cash rich. It's just not the profits in the margins like they used to be. I I

miss the time when trans people had all the power. Um,

the power. Um, good old days. Good old days. Okay,

[laughter] here it is. We'll start from the beginning. Okay. I was assigned female

beginning. Okay. I was assigned female at birth, right? And honestly, good call. [laughter]

call. [laughter] Given the context clues at the time, I reckon they nailed it. No notes. Then

when I started going to school, I was reassigned a fat ugly [ __ ] Now, yeah, that one hurt a little bit because it came with a punch to the head, not a birth certificate, but whatever. Now,

not long after that, I was re-reassigned a beached whale. Now, that has the rhythm of a bully, but not to my ears, cuz I [ __ ] love whales.

I always have. I [ __ ] love whales.

So, I think they were calling me fat, but all I heard was, "She's a mystery.

[laughter] She's a mystery prone to taking a wrong turn." And I'm like, "Yep, yep, that

turn." And I'm like, "Yep, yep, that tracks."

tracks." [laughter] I do. I [ __ ] love Wales. They are

I do. I [ __ ] love Wales. They are

mysterious. They're mammals.

[laughter] What are you doing in the water?

Oxygen's a vibe. I reckon whales are the original conservatives.

I do. Think about it. Back in the day, all the other mammals are going, "Hey, we're going to grab some legs and [ __ ] off. [laughter] Are you coming?" And

off. [laughter] Are you coming?" And

whales are like, "No, let's make life primordial again.

[laughter] [applause] They uh they didn't specify which whale and that annoyed me. I wanted

specificity and so I kept asking for clarification. Yeah, but what sort of

clarification. Yeah, but what sort of whale? And [laughter] and they just go

whale? And [laughter] and they just go [ __ ] off, right? And I'm fine with whatever whale. I like all whales except

whatever whale. I like all whales except I just didn't want to be a sperm whale.

I [ __ ] hate those guys. Stupid

[ __ ] idiots. Like like what the [ __ ] wrong? Where's Where's the rest of your jaw, mate?

[ __ ] [ __ ] skulls. I

We all have our biases.

I I also wanted to know why I was a beached whale because I wanted to understand my motivation. And I said, "But why am I a beached whale?" And

they're like, "Cuz you're NOT IN THE WATER."

WATER." YEAH, but I'm also not a whale.

We are employing imagination here.

We don't really know why whales are beating themselves, but I think it's time we accepted that it's our fault.

Like, I think we're making it very noisy in the shipping lanes. They're very

filled up with plastic, microlastics, and it's getting a bit warm. I reckon

whales are beating themselves in a lastditch effort to evolve. Do you know?

They're just riding up. They're just

going, "Ah, this is unsustainable." And

just riding up onto the sand just going, "Oh, [ __ ] legs.

Oh, come on. [ __ ] [laughter] Fuck." And the seals are just sitting

Fuck." And the seals are just sitting there watching them going, "No, mate.

[laughter] No, it takes ages.

You're [ __ ] [applause] Anyway, I digress. Butch lesbian. That's

how I identified once I uh had a mind of my own. Um and that shoe didn't exactly

my own. Um and that shoe didn't exactly fit, but it was comfortable and it remains comfortable. Very happy to say

remains comfortable. Very happy to say I'm a butch lesbian. Being butch, you know, has given me community and safety in my life. Uh, very happy to call

myself Butch, except that I'm not Butch.

I'm autistic.

And to be fair, that's a very dense ven diagram.

Like, someone should science that. I

think it I think it's something like seven out of 10 autistic mice wear flannel. I don't know how science works,

flannel. I don't know how science works, but I I'm not butch. Like, I've got a lot of tools in my shed, but if you look closely, they're not well used.

They're just neat. And I

go to the hardware store to buy screws, but they may as well be buttons. I'm

just collecting shapes.

So, and not butch. I've always

understood myself to be a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B, right? Even before there was a broader

right? Even before there was a broader conversation about gender, I've understood that I existed in this liinal space between the two established genders. So, there is an argument to be

genders. So, there is an argument to be made that I could identify as non-binary.

I just don't want to. It's just so negative. Where's the fun? The first two

negative. Where's the fun? The first two letters, it's over. How do you identify?

No [laughter] you can go too far the other way. Gender

fluid? Absolutely not. Right. I cannot

identify as wet all of the time.

You can call me Ishmail.

[applause] You can rest assured this is definitely the best place for that joke.

That does not go off in the regional markets.

[cheering] [laughter] I think Crayola Caddy got it right for me. the crayons, the original Crayola

me. the crayons, the original Crayola caddy to be specific, because if you take all the crayons out of said caddy and line them all up in a neat row in color spectrum order from warm colors to

cool colors, and you would. You would.

You would if you're like me and not Butch. You would.

Butch. You would.

The crayon that sits in the nexus of blue and green. The crayon that if you remove from context, nobody will agree if it is blue or green. That crayon

could conceivably help you color in the ocean.

It could conceivably help you color in a tree, but ultimately it's pretty [ __ ] at both jobs. [laughter]

both jobs. [laughter] That crayon is called maximum blue green.

And that's how I identify, right?

[applause] Mostly because it's been discontinued.

And I kind of feel like I've been discontinued. Nobody's growing up in the

discontinued. Nobody's growing up in the 80s anymore.

[laughter] And also I do feel like the further I move into this new life of mine, the more aware I am that my life is incredibly privileged and eccentric, which begs the question, is there any

worth?

Is there any worth in me telling my life story anymore? You know, like I'm not

story anymore? You know, like I'm not particularly relatable anymore. So you

have to ask, who is this for? And some

would argue contractually Netflix.

Um, [laughter] but that's where my public and private anxieties collides because I don't know.

I should be careful how I phrase this, but I hate Netflix. Um,

oh no, I know I'm [ __ ] But anyway, um, no, I don't know if it's the red of their branding. It's very aggressive. Or

their branding. It's very aggressive. Or

it's because they keep logging me out of my mother-in-law's account. Either way,

not a fan. I don't even know who they are. What is a Netflix? Like, there's

are. What is a Netflix? Like, there's

people who work there, nice people, but they're not the beating heart of Netflix because Netflix doesn't have a heart.

It's It is a sociopath. It's a data farm. I've been in a relationship with a

farm. I've been in a relationship with a flesh for 6 years and I've only just worked that out. So, I'm going to [ __ ] it. No, I [laughter]

it. No, I [laughter] uh my real issue with Netflix is my own personal algorithm. Just that, right?

personal algorithm. Just that, right?

because my algorithm has decided I like Joe Rogan. I don't I don't. And in

Joe Rogan. I don't I don't. And in

fairness though, I did consent to Joe once for research purposes only. I

watched the first 5 minutes of his latest special. Just 5 minutes, just the

latest special. Just 5 minutes, just the tip. Then I turned it off. But my

tip. Then I turned it off. But my

algorithm has decided that means I want to see Joe all the time. Every time I turn on my account, there he is in that non-consensual [ __ ] trailer that just pops up and starts yelling at There's

Joe just going, "I have thoughts."

That's his whole special. I have

thoughts. They just pop into my head, so I say them. That's what you do with a thought. Pops in your head, you got to

thought. Pops in your head, you got to say it straight away or it might go away. You have a thought, you say it

away. You have a thought, you say it straight away. Pops in your head. Say

straight away. Pops in your head. Say

the thought. That's having thoughts. I

have thoughts.

[laughter] Joe mate sh.

That's not a thought, mate.

You got to put thought behind a thought before it's a thought. Like I I don't want to be mean, but thinking is what makes thinking thinking.

I What what Joe is experiencing there is an electrical pulse.

[cheering] He's just an unregulated potato.

I don't need him in my home. But

whatever, Netflix, you're not my real dad. Let's [laughter]

dad. Let's [laughter] talk about my real dad. He's dead. What

else have we learned tonight? We've

learned so much, haven't we? We found

out that I'm uncomfortable with fame.

I'm uncomfortable with discomfort and I'm uncomfortable with comfort. I'm a

riddle [laughter] in a world trying to cancel riddles. I'm

autistic. I'm very anxious. I have some capacity to rectify my anxiety as a private person, not so much as a public person. And I have a little bit of

person. And I have a little bit of power, but my power is directly correlated to my relevance. And

relevance in this industry is underwritten by the algorithm. And the

algorithm, to be clear, is not the same thing as a pulse. And that has been my mistake. I have been trying to be human

mistake. I have been trying to be human in a machine. And it is effectively crushing me.

But here's a little trick of that thought that makes me feel like I'm connected to the biggest group of all because that's what we're all doing. We

are all trying to understand how to be human in a machine and navigate the public private at breakneck speed. The

difference is I get paid.

I'm not sad. You are.

The question we really all need to be asking ourselves is, do we want to be content or do we want to be content?

Yeah, we'll put that on a cushion in an Airbnb.

[applause and cheering] It' be a bit odd though. It's like

content content.

Andy Warhol famously said, "Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes in the future." Right? But Andy Warhol also got

future." Right? But Andy Warhol also got shot. So there's that. Here's how I see

shot. So there's that. Here's how I see it.

The He was shot by a lesbian separatist, but I It's complicated. It's And it has nothing to do with me, honestly.

[laughter] Here's how I see it. The siren of success implores you to do it again.

Whatever you did to find success or go viral, do it again. That's your recipe.

Rinse, repeat, capitalize. And I feel like I'm under an enormous amount of pressure to further mine my own trauma in my work. It's like, oh, remember that trauma show? That was a good one. You

trauma show? That was a good one. You

should do that again. You're very good at the trauma. You should do more trauma. You're a trauma comedian. And to

trauma. You're a trauma comedian. And to

be clear, I've got a whole herd of baby reindeer I could slay for your festive consumption.

[applause and cheering] But why would I do that? That's not

where I'm at. I specifically wrote Nanette in order to free myself from the yoke of my trauma and it worked as a private person. As a public figure, I am

private person. As a public figure, I am just starting to understand that I'll never be free of my trauma. Like I've

effectively harpooned myself to it with success. And look, ultimately it's fine.

success. And look, ultimately it's fine.

I was compensated.

I sleep soft.

But it is the reality that I have to navigate. Like it or not, my voice has

navigate. Like it or not, my voice has been defined by Nanette. But here's the rub. My voice is changing.

rub. My voice is changing.

[applause] I am transitioning.

I'm transitioning away from gender politics into more animal-based comedy.

[cheering] [applause] So, I will circle back to my original question. What is up with whales?

question. What is up with whales?

[applause] Cuz I did my own research. I

went swimming with a whale. I didn't say it was good research. Science is over.

So, has anyone been swimming with a whale before? Yeah. Look, I don't know

whale before? Yeah. Look, I don't know how [ __ ] relatable I am anymore. I I

[laughter] hope I do get killed by an orca. Tony right now. This happened off

orca. Tony right now. This happened off the west coast of Australia. Yes, we

also have a west coast. How droll? Now,

the thing about whales, you can't make an appointment. They're very primordial

an appointment. They're very primordial and they're very fast, too. And the

thing about me, not not so fast. And so,

they spotted a whale and I was dawling.

Apparently, I wasn't getting into the water quick enough. So, they just pushed me off.

And then when I bobbed up, THEY'RE LIKE, "SWIM [screaming] SWIM.

KNOCK DOWN.

[laughter] So I looked down, no whale. Now that

seemed fine to me. That's my that's been my experience pretty much most of my life. I look down, there's no whale. So

life. I look down, there's no whale. So

I wasn't terribly upset. Uh just we just got back on the boat. Now that happened another four times. A lot of pushing, a lot of yelling, and a lot of not whale.

Now, by that stage, I only knew intellectually that this was a fun time opt-in tourist occasion, but physiologically might have been in the danger zone.

Like, I wasn't sure if seeing a whale was a good or a bad thing. So, when that happened a sixth time, [snorts] right?

And I look down and there is a whale just nudging into my peripheral vision.

I saw that and then I just passed out.

[laughter] just fully limp unconscious in the open ocean. Now, I was never in any real danger. I'm a natural-born

floater. I am built like a baby seal.

floater. I am built like a baby seal.

And I see that as only an evolutionary advantage, right? There's no way I'm

advantage, right? There's no way I'm going on a Zmpic. No way. Not with tides rising.

I I will be my own door. All right.

[laughter] I say that like I'm going to be any kind of survivor. As as soon as we lose

of survivor. As as soon as we lose electricity, I'm going to start choking myself to death in the sleep.

So, I didn't drown, but nor did I see a whale, right? I as soon as I regain

whale, right? I as soon as I regain consciousness, everyone else burst up, right? And they're like, "Oh my god, did

right? And they're like, "Oh my god, did you see that? Did you see that? She had

a calf. She gave a side eye the whole way. It was amazing.

way. It was amazing.

Did you see that? I'm like, [ __ ] no.

I rack my memory on the regular to see if on some level I did see a whale cuz I really wanted to see a whale. And it's

always the same. Just nudging into my peripheral vision and then it's broadcast out. And that's how I know

broadcast out. And that's how I know that I'm not cut out for the big time.

This is a whale. It's pretty big time.

And my brain said, "Too big."

I don't think you can cope with that, Hannah. We're not going to give you a

Hannah. We're not going to give you a memory of I know you were there, but we're not going to give you a memory. I

don't think you'll cope. It's too big.

Too much you can't behold. No. No memory

of a whale for you. Nope. No memory of a whale, but a human [ __ ] in a Tim Tam packet.

[applause] This is who I am.

[gasps] I think ultimately my body did the right thing in in the circumstances. I was

clearly in fight or flight, but neither of those options are smart. [laughter]

That's a whale. Like f like I'm going to fight a whale. Just have a jewel like and I'm a strong swimmer, but that's a [ __ ] whale, right? So my brain did the only sensible thing. It just

whispered be seaweed.

He's like, "What?" [laughter]

Or maybe I just passed out because I was in cognitive decline and I was actually passing out a lot in those days.

[laughter] Or maybe I passed out because I'm autistic and I just love whales too much, right? I was projecting. Or maybe

much, right? I was projecting. Or maybe

the whale is a metaphor for grief.

I don't know.

I'm I'm I'm no expert.

that there's no closure. That's all I know. There is no closure. Uh so there's

know. There is no closure. Uh so there's no closure for me. So there's no closure for you.

[laughter] [screaming] [applause and cheering] [applause] [cheering] Hey, woof something.