How childhood wiring impacts adult life, in 90 minutes | Becky Kennedy: Full Interview

I'm Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm a mom of three and I am the founder of the online parenting platform called Good Inside.

Chapter one, rethinking how we learn, grow, and change. So, I began my career as a clinical psychologist teaching parents how to give timeouts and punishments and rewards. That's how I was trained. And

so, there were all these moments in my private practice. parents would come in, "My kid's having a tantrum about something ridiculous. My kid is lying to me. My kid is talking back." Whatever it

something ridiculous. My kid is lying to me. My kid is talking back." Whatever it was, and I'd say, "Okay, let's learn how to give a timeout. Let me teach you how to give a timeout. Let me teach you how to do a sticker chart." So, I was doing that for a while. Then, I had my own kid and I also just

started to reflect on my own childhood and what moments really helped me and what moments didn't. Plus, something

interesting was happening in my private practice. In my private practice, beyond seeing parents to talk about issues with young kids, I was seeing adults for therapy, for couples therapy. And I felt really good about the way I was working with adults. It was a combination of, you know, internal family systems and attachment theory and sematic work. And

with adults. It was a combination of, you know, internal family systems and attachment theory and sematic work. And

I'm just a very practical person. So, I'd always give homework for the week and so many different things. And I watched adults change their lives. And

what I knew is that when adults would come to me for therapy and say things like, "Oh, I know I talked about asking my boss for a promotion, but I just didn't do it." Or, "I know we're working on my anger, but I yelled this week." I

would never say to those people, "Give me your phone. No dessert for a week. I want you to leave my office and come back when you don't yell. I want you to leave my office and come back when you ask for that promotion." I mean, can you imagine the therapist? I I would hope any client would say, "Well, I'm never coming back to see you again. Why would

adding shame and blame help me improve my behavior?" Like literally, what's your theory for why that would even work? And it just struck me cuz I'd have these sessions where I was seeing adult adult and then parent of a young kid. And I just started thinking there is no way that what adults need to change could be at complete odds with what

children need to grow. And then I realized, wait, I actually think we're like causing all of these problems in childhood and trying to fix them in adulthood. It's just a remarkably inefficient system, which is not a way of saying I think we can be perfect parents. We cannot. And we're all going to struggle with things. And I hope my kids go to therapy to talk about things

in their life. But we don't have to approach our kids with punishment and harshness. And if we do, why would we expect them to actually thrive in

harshness. And if we do, why would we expect them to actually thrive in adulthood? We're actually trying to unwire all of that self-criticism and

adulthood? We're actually trying to unwire all of that self-criticism and self-lame that we have as adults from our childhood so we can finally have a little bit more groundedness and perspective to actually make the productive changes we want in our life.

Okay. So, I was in this moment in my private practice and I was seeing parents and I want to be honest, I was still kind of ignoring that feeling in me like, "Okay, well, here's how to do a timeout. Here's how to do the sticker chart." And one day in my private practice, all I can say is the dissonance, I think, in my body. It just

chart." And one day in my private practice, all I can say is the dissonance, I think, in my body. It just

became too loud. I honestly couldn't focus. And I had these parents in front of me and I was teaching them how to do a timeout. And I ended up saying to them, "I'm sorry. I actually don't believe anything I'm telling you right

a timeout. And I ended up saying to them, "I'm sorry. I actually don't believe anything I'm telling you right now. And not surprisingly, they looked at me and they were like, "Why am I paying you

now. And not surprisingly, they looked at me and they were like, "Why am I paying you any money? I'm going to leave your office right now." And I was like, "Hold on. I I feel like I just need a little bit of time. I know there's a better

any money? I'm going to leave your office right now." And I was like, "Hold on. I I feel like I just need a little bit of time. I know there's a better better way." And I was actually thinking like, "I just want to take everything that I know helps adults and helps them

better way." And I was actually thinking like, "I just want to take everything that I know helps adults and helps them rewire and reverse engineer it to parents to give to kids right away." But I but I didn't know how exactly yet. And

I knew I wanted that approach to be super concrete and practical because the one thing about timeouts and sticker charts that I think parents love and me too is that it just tells you what to do. We're like, "Well, just tell me what to do. We need something to do." But I was like, "We can definitely upgrade what to do from a sticker chart and a timeout." And you know, these parents

essentially my office were like, "We're just going to go find someone else to talk to." And I was like, "I totally get it. I'm so sorry. And yes, I will definitely refund you for the session." And then I started this just surge maybe is the word of new ideas. It's like once I finally said this thing, I had the openness to write down

so many ideas. And I think what started was just stripping away all the assumptions that we've all accepted as true. If you don't punish bad behavior, you're basically reinforcing that. Is that true? Like I have moments that I'm

true. If you don't punish bad behavior, you're basically reinforcing that. Is that true? Like I have moments that I'm not proud of with my husband and he doesn't punish me, but I don't think he's reinforcing bad behavior. And if he said to me, "Becky, if you yell at me one more time, I'm not going to eat dinner with you for a week," I I just

don't think that would inspire me to change in a positive way. Now, I don't expect him to be kind of a doormat in the other way, but if he said, "Whoa, that was not okay."

and there's probably something going on with you because you don't usually act like that. And let's get to the bottom of that. I actually think that's probably what you need. And honestly, it's probably the thing that's also going to help you change. So, let's

of that. I actually think that's probably what you need. And honestly, it's probably the thing that's also going to help you change. So, let's

figure that out together. No part of me would think, "Oh, my husband really lets me walk all over him." It's actually a crazy thought that we would only have if we have an incredibly negative view of humans, which I do not have. And when I started to question this approach, I was left with two foundations really. Number one, we are born good inside. That

doesn't excuse our bad behaviors at all. But inside, we are born good. And

actually, that's really helpful to know because it creates a gap between good identity and bad behaviors. And it allows us to wonder, well, why would a good person do a bad thing? And from

that question, we can actually intervene much more effectively. And the other thing I realized is kids are just born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. And feelings without skills always come out as bad behavior. And so the idea of good inside is that we can separate behavior

from identity. And in doing that, we don't become permissive parents. We actually become effective leaders who

from identity. And in doing that, we don't become permissive parents. We actually become effective leaders who can teach kids skills they didn't have in the first place. so that not only can they improve their behavior, they can actually grow up and be resilient, successful adults. So, let's jump into this idea about how behavior is different from identity and then very practically how that idea comes to life

in managing your kids's difficult behavior. The tantrum, the sibling arguing about something so silly, maybe the I hate you to your face or lying, all those hard situations. We have a habit as humans for many reasons of seeing someone's bad behavior and kind of assuming we know everything

we need to know about the person. Someone's late to work, that person is lazy. Our kid hits another kid, they're a hitter, right? And then even we take that moment, we tend to project forward, oh, they're always going to be the bad kid in class. They're never going to have friends. And if you think about what's really happening here is there's a conflation of behavior with identity.

have friends. And if you think about what's really happening here is there's a conflation of behavior with identity.

And one of the reasons this happens is behavior is observable and identity isn't. So the quickest thing for our mind to do is we see behavior hitting we assume identity bad kid. But actually

this isn't what's happening. This is what's happening. Behavior is identity and there's no space in between. The

other reason we tend to do this is because most of us grew up in homes where we were seen as our worst behavior. Nobody saw us as a good kid identity who was having a hard time behavior where those things were separate. So we've actually wired those two things

together. One of the life-changing ideas I think around good inside is to separate

together. One of the life-changing ideas I think around good inside is to separate behavior from identity. And this is as life-changing in parenting your kid as it is in relating to yourself as it is in your marriage or your work relationship. And what's really important is people say, "Oh, so you're just letting your kid off the hook. They're a good kid having a hard time, so it's okay that they're hitting a

sibling." No, not at all. I've never seen my kid hit another kid and say, "Gh, let out that anger. You're a good

sibling." No, not at all. I've never seen my kid hit another kid and say, "Gh, let out that anger. You're a good kid letting out anger. I love it. That would be so bizarre." Seeing my kid as a good kid having a hard time allows me to intervene more like a coach than someone who's just delivering punishment. That's

really important. Because when you realize, hold on a second, I have a good kid having a hard time. In the moment, I'm going to swoop in. I might even say, whoa, I'm not going to let you hit your brother. I'm going to pick my kid up and carry them to the side. And I might, if I'm on my game, even say, "You're a good kid having a hard time, and I'm going to

help you through it." It's one of the most life-changing things for kids to hear. And so many parents have said that simple phrase, saying to their kid, "You're a good kid having a hard time," has deescalated. a hard situation in a way nothing else they've ever tried has. And if you think about it, that makes sense. Think about your own hard moment

and think about the way people look at you like you're a bad person. Maybe it's happened in a recent argument with a partner or at work and you just get this look like I see your bad behavior and I kind of am treating you like a bad person. We have shame. We spiral. We get worse. There's nothing more powerful in

adulthood as someone saying to you some version of, "Hold on a second. You're a good person. You just said something that I have a feeling you didn't really mean. Let's take a moment to cool off. We can try this again." In our hardest moments, we are all desperate to have someone else see the inherent goodness

inside of us. And sometimes we need someone else to see it before we can access it ourself. Let's take lying as a situation. Very triggering when our kids lie to us. Recently had a parent say, "I

situation. Very triggering when our kids lie to us. Recently had a parent say, "I have a Nest camera. I saw my teenager steal money from my drawer. I asked my teenager about it." They said, "Nope, I didn't do it." Separate, but related.

Never ask someone a question you know the answer to. You're actually just trying to catch them in a lie, which makes anyone defensive. But if we think about this as a good kid having a hard time, we see it very differently. It doesn't mean I'm going to throw my kid a party for stealing money. Not at all. But I'd probably say something like this.

Hey, I saw that you took money from my drawer. Hold on a second. This is not about to be a punishment. That would be way too much short-term thinking. I know you're a good kid. And there must have been something going on that you didn't think you could come ask me for money for whatever you wanted it for. And it's true. I might end up

saying no. But it's really important that we have the type of relationship where you know you could come to me.

saying no. But it's really important that we have the type of relationship where you know you could come to me.

Honestly, that's probably only becoming more and more important as you get older and things get even trickier in your life. So, what was going on for you? I

just want to actually understanding what was happening is so much more important than the behavior itself because that's the only way we can get ahead of everything that's going to happen after. Now, I know what parents think. We traditionally think, isn't that permitting the bad behavior? Understanding the reasons for a bad behavior is not at all the same thing as

permitting behavior. And we don't think about that in any other way. If you think about a kid on a basketball team who's a really good player but has an

permitting behavior. And we don't think about that in any other way. If you think about a kid on a basketball team who's a really good player but has an awful couple games and you think about the coach saying, "Hold on a second. I'm taking you out for this game, but tomorrow let's go to the gym together. Let's really figure this out. What's going on with your layups and your passing? Everything is off. I'm on your

team. I want to understand what's happening." I I just don't know one parent who would say, "I don't want that coach for my kid. That coach is

team. I want to understand what's happening." I I just don't know one parent who would say, "I don't want that coach for my kid. That coach is permitting bad behavior. That coach is basically telling my kid it's okay to have a bad game." It's bananas. None of

us think that. You know what we all think? That's the coach I want. That coach actually is trying to get to the source of what was happening because that's the only way you can actually improve behavior. So, a lot of people ask me reward charts, timeouts, stickers. I feel like these have worked to improve behavior. Like, why would I depart from these methods? So, first of all, I'd call into question how

effective these methods are. And also, a lot of studies that so show shortterm impact don't tell the whole story of child development. Anything that's fearbased, sometimes you can get kids to short-term

child development. Anything that's fearbased, sometimes you can get kids to short-term comply. I don't think that's data worth bragging about. What we know is that

comply. I don't think that's data worth bragging about. What we know is that childhood is an amazing time for kids to learn the skills they are going to need for life. I don't know if any of us really think I learned skills by being

for life. I don't know if any of us really think I learned skills by being punished. You do have a model of what not to do, I guess. But nobody's helping

punished. You do have a model of what not to do, I guess. But nobody's helping you know what to do. Let's take jealousy as an example. Why do kids hit siblings?

Sometimes they're just jealous. Oh, my sibling has a truck that I really want to play with in this moment. I'm

jealous. I'm frustrated. I don't have the skills to manage those feelings. So, it comes out as a hit. Now I get a timeout for not hitting. And is that going to work? Well, fast forward many, many years. I don't think I'm going to be jealous of my sibling in my 20s that they have a toy truck that I don't have.

many years. I don't think I'm going to be jealous of my sibling in my 20s that they have a toy truck that I don't have.

But you better bet that when I see my sibling have a job that feels more successful than my job or own a home that is bigger than the home I can afford, I'm going to feel pretty jealous and frustrated. And if I don't have skills to manage those feelings, I don't know if it would

and frustrated. And if I don't have skills to manage those feelings, I don't know if it would come out as a hit, but it would come out as pretty toxic behavior. Skills aren't

gifted to us with age. We don't magically become able to manage our emotions when we become 18. That's not how it works. We learn how to manage our emotions through our earliest relationships. I always tell parents, kids can't learn

to tolerate feelings we can't tolerate in them. So if my kid is jealous and frustrated and that comes out as bad behavior and all I do is send them to their room, maybe short term for some kids, for people pleasing kids only, not for the non-peopleleasers, they just escalate when you punish them. My kid

might look like, "Oh, I'm gonna change my behavior. I'm just so terrified of my parent being upset with me." and I can get my kid to comply. I always find this interesting. I've never met one parent who says, "Oh, I'm so proud of my 30-year-old daughter. She is so compliant. She does everything people

30-year-old daughter. She is so compliant. She does everything people ask her to do. She is so attentive to what everyone wants of her that she's just always taking care of everyone else and doesn't really ever take care of her own needs or even know what they are.

I've never heard that. Although, that is the thing that leads to so many women essentially breaking down. You don't

just get the skills to manage your own feelings at a certain developmental milestone. And punishment and rewards are purely behavior focused. They do not teach skills. Just like we don't punish and reward kids into learning how to swim, we teach them how to swim. We teach them skills. And importantly with

swimming, we understand that just cuz I'm teaching a kid a skill, it doesn't mean my kid's going to swim tomorrow.

It's actually interesting. We tolerate the length of time it learns how to swim as a parent. Even though those are very expensive lessons a lot of us put money toward. We know this is going to take time and swimming is a skill. I think

that's actually a very important life skill. Emotion regulation is an even more important life skill. And so how I want parents to start thinking is not just in terms of short-term behavioral compliance, which by the way works against someone later on, but actually I have this window of time where I can actually teach my kids the skills that

are actually going to be the most important skills of their life. And punishments and rewards just don't teach skills. So many times I'm asked, is good inside gentle parenting? I actually

skills. So many times I'm asked, is good inside gentle parenting? I actually

think the term gentle parenting has probably been misrepresented, but it's just not a term I identify with. So, I'm

just going to put it over here. And one of the reasons I don't identify with it is I think some of our most important parenting moments, the word gentle just isn't a word I would use to describe the feeling I'm accessing in that moment. Some of my best parenting moments, even though they're the hardest, is when I do

something that I just know needs to be done and is for my kid's best interest long term, but requires a lot of trickiness and hard feelings in the moment. And I think those moments call for sturdiness, like a lot of conviction. And really, if we zoom out, I think good inside is just a leadership approach. So, it's really a sturdy

conviction. And really, if we zoom out, I think good inside is just a leadership approach. So, it's really a sturdy leadership approach. I love the word sturdy and I'm going to define it. But one of the reasons I love it is it has a

leadership approach. I love the word sturdy and I'm going to define it. But one of the reasons I love it is it has a feeling associated with it and it takes it out of just being a word and it does something in our body. If you think about someone in your life who you consider sturdy, you can kind of conjure up this thing about them where you can

kind of locate them like I know where you are but they also were able to connect to other people. There's

something happening there in just the feeling of the word. So if I think about a sturdy leader, they're able to do two things at once. They're able to ground their decisions in their own values. They can embody their appropriate authority in a situation so they're connected to themselves. At the same time, a sturdy leader is

able to understand other people, hear them out, maybe even understand their reactions and feelings. They're able to connect to other people. A sturdy leader at the same time can connect to themselves and someone else. So, let me explain a metaphor because it's actually the best way of bringing this to life.

So, imagine you're on a plane and you're a passenger. I'm a passenger, too. And it gets very, very turbulent. So

turbulent that everyone is kind of screaming in the passenger cabin. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Okay, let's

imagine three announcements you might hear from a pilot. Okay, announcement number one. Stop screaming back there.

You're making a big deal out of nothing. You all ruin everything for me. Stop

being dramatic. Now, I think we all know that wouldn't really make me feel better. First of

all, I'm wondering, is the pilot missing the intense turbulence? And is the pilot so threatened by my being nervous that it kind of throws them off? Is that's kind of like when we say to our kids when they're melting down about not having ice cream for breakfast, you're so dramatic. You're making a big deal out of nothing. We kind of really lean with invalidation. I'm not able to

connect to the other person. and see that their reality is real for them, even if it's not real for me. Okay, that's not the announcement we want. Here's pilot two. Also not the announcement we want. Oh no, turbulence. I'm opening up the cockpit doors. If

anyone back there kind of knows what to do, please come in. Now, if you're like me, you're not even scared of the turbulence anymore. You're just terrified that this person is your pilot. So, what's happening there? The

turbulence anymore. You're just terrified that this person is your pilot. So, what's happening there? The

pilot loses themsself. In the first kind of situation, they lose connection to someone else. In the second, they lose connection to themsel. They see your feelings almost as contagious. You're nervous, that means I'm nervous. And

we're in this exact same situation together. That's kind of when we say to our kid who's melting down over breakfast. Fine, have ice cream for breakfast. Just stop tantruming. And

breakfast. Fine, have ice cream for breakfast. Just stop tantruming. And

importantly, I'm not making that decision because I actually think I want to give my kid ice cream for breakfast, which could be my decision. I'm doing it because I really, really hate seeing my kid upset and their feelings kind of come into my body and I just want that feeling for me to stop. Okay, let's get to the third pilot because I think this

is the pilot we all want. Hey, I hear you screaming back there. I get it. You're nervous because it's so turbulent. That's okay. Scream away. Do your thing.

turbulent. That's okay. Scream away. Do your thing.

I know what I'm doing. I've been through this before and I'm going to stop this announcement now and go back to doing my job. And I know I'm going to get us to our destination shortly.

Interestingly, the turbulence could stay the exact same, maybe even get a little worse. But suddenly, I have a deep breath of relief. Why? Two things that sturdy leaders do. They see your emotional reality as real and they care about it while they are not overwhelmed

by it themselves. That means they actually have a boundary between you and them. I can empathize with your feeling precisely because I'm not taking on the feeling myself. I can see that you believe you're in this storm. And at the same time, I can see calm and hope and

safety on the other side. I can do both of those things at once. That's kind of when we say to our kid who's melting down about wanting ice cream for breakfast. I get it. You really want ice cream. Oh, I would want that, too. You

wish you could have ice cream. And ice cream's not an option, sweetie. It's

okay if you're upset. We're going to figure this out. And when you want, let me know something else you could have for breakfast. I can see my kids emotional reality, but I'm not taken over by it. and I have this sturdiness in the middle of the storm. And that's

exactly the type of leadership our kids are looking for from us.

Chapter 2, understanding our own factory settings. So, attachment theory really influences a lot of how I talk about day-to-day moments in parenting. Attachment theory

was popularized by John Bulby and Mary Ainsworth a very long time ago. And

really the foundation of attachment theory is the idea that the nature of the relationship we form with our kid in their earliest years is something that impacts them for the rest of their life. Connection for kids is the key to their

survival. It's really an evolutionary force. Attachment is the key evolutionary force for kids because for

survival. It's really an evolutionary force. Attachment is the key evolutionary force for kids because for a very very long time, more than almost any other animal species, a human child truly can't survive on their own. Yes,

they need food, shelter, water, but they get that from their parent. And so kids are always looking what allows me to stay connected to my parents, what parts of me are lovable and understandable, and what parts of me kind of exist in aloneeness. And those parts that exist in aloneeness become very dangerous,

aloneeness. And those parts that exist in aloneeness become very dangerous, right? And often then have to get acted out. They're really learning with us.

right? And often then have to get acted out. They're really learning with us.

Who am I? What feelings am I allowed to have? What can I expect from people around me when we're going through hard situations? Is it okay to be mad at someone I love? Is it okay to mess up in a relationship? Do I have a pathway to

recover? or is that something that seems almost unreoverable? What parts of me

recover? or is that something that seems almost unreoverable? What parts of me get love and connection and what parts of me are kind of met with we don't do that in this family and I kind of have to learn ooh danger put them away and I take those lessons from my parent because in a way my parent is my world

and I start to generalize them as I get older to the world and so the nature of a relationship our kid forms with us becomes kind of a blueprint or a friend of mine named Mileique calls it her kids factory settings where I love that because we can change factory settings, we can change a default and at the same

time the factory settings our kid goes into adulthood with are pretty powerful.

So for example, when my kid has a meltdown about something that I think is small in my adult life but matters in my kid life, I don't know, maybe oh I'm not with Sophia in class. I can't go to school this year. Are my kids melting down? They're crying. It's all your fault. Of course, I have nothing to do with it. But if my general pattern of responding to this is something like,

fault. Of course, I have nothing to do with it. But if my general pattern of responding to this is something like, "You're being ridiculous. If you keep crying, I'm taking away, I don't know, fill in the blank with whatever it is."

My kid does not learn. I'm having a big reaction to classes in second grade, and I can respond more calmly next time. No, they learn a couple things. Number one,

it's not safe in my closest relationships to feel upset. When I'm very upset about something in my life, I should expect the people close to me to be very turned off by that and want nothing to do with me. That's one lesson they learn. Another lesson they learn might be, "Oh, maybe I don't know how I

they learn. Another lesson they learn might be, "Oh, maybe I don't know how I feel." My parent did always tell me I overreacted to things. So, I guess other

feel." My parent did always tell me I overreacted to things. So, I guess other people have a better sense of how I feel than I do. Now, if we just take those two lessons and we fast forward, this might sound obvious, but I always think about it. We have the same body today as we had our childhood. It's a

collection of all of the memories. And our body likes to generalize. Just like you learn to look both ways before you cross the street early on, you could be in a totally different environment in adulthood. And if someone said, "You don't have to look both ways here. You can just cross the road. Cars won't hurt you." Your body literally wouldn't allow

you to do that because it took an early lesson around safety and has generalized. It's true. I've never been to Tokyo, but I'm going to assume the same thing is true as it's always been. and I'm going to look both ways to keep me safe. So now, let's say my kid is no longer in my house, and I'm making this up, is married to someone. And they're really upset about a bad meeting at

work. Their body is going to kind of do an inventory. Is this safe, let's say, for me to talk to my husband about or am

work. Their body is going to kind of do an inventory. Is this safe, let's say, for me to talk to my husband about or am I basically going to expect my husband to tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing? So then I don't talk about it. But the feelings remain. You know what

probably happens? I don't know. I'm probably snapping at my husband about something totally irrelevant. I'm probably super short with my kids. I'm

probably happens? I don't know. I'm probably snapping at my husband about something totally irrelevant. I'm probably super short with my kids. I'm

probably acting it out in some other ways because our feelings don't lie. That's one kind of legacy of attachment.

Another legacy is when we invalidate our kids all the time, which sounds like, you're dramatic. You're making a big deal out of nothing. This is a disproportionate reaction. They doubt their emotions in really dangerous ways. I'm just going to go for it because I'm pretty direct. Let's picture a girl who's now at a bar at age

dangerous ways. I'm just going to go for it because I'm pretty direct. Let's picture a girl who's now at a bar at age 20 something, 25, and someone comes up to them and they're kind of flirty. It feels fun. Stranger, they don't know.

And then it goes a step further. Come home with me. And that girl, let's say, initially has a feeling in her body like, oo, I don't know about this. Well, what's

the attachment lessons that she might have learned early on in totally different situations, but the same circuits? Other people do tend to know how I should feel better than I do. And

circuits? Other people do tend to know how I should feel better than I do. And

then she hears, "Come on, don't make such a big deal out of it. It's just going to be fun."

It's true. I do tend to make a big deal out of nothing. And I know it's so easy to say that is crazy. That has nothing to do with freaking out about classes. In our body,

crazy. That has nothing to do with freaking out about classes. In our body, in the inventory that happens around, do I trust my emotions? Do I listen to what's happening is something that's a big deal to me? Even if it's not a big deal to someone else, can I go with my

gut or do I use someone else's reaction as a barometer of what I should do?

Those are absolutely the same situations inside of our body. Attachment theory is this idea that our earliest relationships form the blueprint for our later relationships. But internal family systems is basically the idea that inside our bodies we have many many

parts of us. So if you put that together you could also say the way we develop parts when we're young will also play out in our adult relationships when we're older. And what internal family systems posits which is so powerful is that all of our different parts came from an adaptive place. They were all

trying to figure out in our earliest years, what do I need to do to survive and adapt in my family of origin? So, for example, let's say anger was not something you could safely express toward your parent. The truth is anger is a powerful emotion. So, when we're

young, we tend not to say to our parent, "I'm angry at you." We tend to say, "I hate you." Right? Or, "You're the worst dad in the world. you don't do anything for me. Even maybe after our parents

hate you." Right? Or, "You're the worst dad in the world. you don't do anything for me. Even maybe after our parents just took us to an amusement park. Right now, when that feeling comes out, if we were met with some type of danger, right? Go to your room. You don't say something like that to me. No insert punishment here for a week or maybe

right? Go to your room. You don't say something like that to me. No insert punishment here for a week or maybe worse. Maybe we were hit. Then what does my body as a kid have to learn? I

worse. Maybe we were hit. Then what does my body as a kid have to learn? I

actually don't learn I should have expressed my anger in a better way. I

actually learned anger is not a safe emotion. If I just didn't feel angry, I would have been a lot safer in my home. Now, from an internal family systems perspective, how do we stop anger? It's kind of hard. It's a natural emotion. I develop a new part. It would actually be called, and it's so beautiful, a protector part that's trying to protect me from feeling

part. It would actually be called, and it's so beautiful, a protector part that's trying to protect me from feeling that anger. It's trying to really help me stay safe. Now, the protector part

that anger. It's trying to really help me stay safe. Now, the protector part might have to use some extreme methods. It might need to say to me, "You're a horrible, ungrateful person. No one else would feel this way." And I know that sounds mean. Dr. Becky, that doesn't sound adaptive, but anger is pretty powerful. And if it was so scary to express anger in your home, your body

powerful. And if it was so scary to express anger in your home, your body actually figured out how to develop a part that was equally as powerful to shut it down. Now, let's fast forward 20 years, 40 years. I think we know even theoretically we all get angry at the people we love. That happens.

But just like attachment theory teaches us, what happens in our adult relationships becomes a lot of reactivation of our earliest lessons. So let's say you start to feel angry toward your partner. But then there's this protector part that's talking to you the same way as when you were eight. It

your partner. But then there's this protector part that's talking to you the same way as when you were eight. It

doesn't know that it's 2025 or whatever year it is now. It still thinks it's, I don't know, 1980. So, it says to you, "Don't be angry. Do you not appreciate your partner? Something's wrong with you." So, you shut down anger. You shut

down anger because of this protector part that used to protect you. Maybe isn't protecting you anymore, but it thinks it's protecting you. And then we all know what happens. We shut it down. We shut it down. And then there's a moment, oh boy, it comes out with such explosiveness, not because anything's wrong with us, but because we didn't kind of let out the steam earlier. Now, when I talk about this with people, people say,

"Okay, so we just got to like get rid of the protector parts, right?" Well, we don't because from an internal family systems perspective, that part developed for a reason. We actually have to start by thanking that part. Thank you for all the years you kept me safe. You are

right. You were doing a really important job. Expressing anger

was not safe. And nobody helped me learn to express anger. And nobody gave me a runway as a young kid to know, well, of course Becky's not going to express anger. Well, she's only five. That was not the case. And so, you were so crafty

anger. Well, she's only five. That was not the case. And so, you were so crafty for so long in figuring out some way of shutting anger down. Now, I'm here to tell you, I'm not five anymore. I'm in a different situation. And I'm going to ask you for some moments to kind of step back a little bit so I can practice expressing my

anger in healthy ways, even to people I love. And over time, you might get a little worried, but we're kind of going to figure this out together. And that would be kind of an IFSbased intervention where we're learning to connect to our parts, understand their original function, have compassion, and in doing that they stop having such hold

on us. And so this IFS perspective has really influenced how I think about development, how I help parents, but

on us. And so this IFS perspective has really influenced how I think about development, how I help parents, but also some of my favorite interventions to actually teach parents to do with children is IFSbased and inspired. If we can help our kids learn to kind of recognize their parts early, that's one of the most adaptive things that leads

to resilience later on. So all the time in adulthood, we are faced with these things that we become curious about. Oh, is that one of the reasons I tend to act this way? Let's talk about attachment.

Whenever I feel really upset, even maybe at my partner, I tend to pull away. I

tend to pull away. I kind of push them away. If I start to learn, huh, if I do that at some point in my life, was that adaptive? might have been adaptive in my earliest years to have learned when I'm feeling big feelings, your best bet, it's not ideal, but your best bet is to pull

away. That is your first moment of like

away. That is your first moment of like immense power going forward in your adult life. We can't change things before we understand things. Like we

always say that at goods inside, we have to understand before we intervene. And understanding doesn't change things on its own, but it's a necessary first step. So you might reflect, hold on a second. This style that I even play out with my husband, with my kid, with someone at work, yeah, there's stuff going on in the present moment, but also

it might be some type of reactivation or early pattern from the past. Then the

next step I think is, can I learn about it? The thing that stops us from learning about it is we feel like there's so much shame. I encourage

people to kind of take this realization or curiosity and almost like put it on a shelf and look at it. Hm, that's

interesting. H I wonder what else I could know about that. Hm, I think I'm going to learn about you. I think I'm going to take this book. There's so many books about attachment. There's so much we teach at Good Inside about something called reparing, about triggers, which is not at all about blaming your parents. Blaming to me is such a powerless move. That's not what we do. It's actually about understanding. Why

parents. Blaming to me is such a powerless move. That's not what we do. It's actually about understanding. Why

am I the way I am? And why do I do things that I don't want to do, but it just keeps happening? And if we can learn about that, then we can actually start to talk about it with someone. I might say to my partner, you know what I've learned about myself when I'm upset.

Even though I kind of could really use some support in the past, before I even knew you, I never really got that support. So, one of the things I would do is kind of pull away. Do you ever feel like I do that to you? Maybe like I get really really snappy and even mean, which is not okay,

you? Maybe like I get really really snappy and even mean, which is not okay, and then later we realize I'd actually been having this really hard week at work. Your partner might look and be like, "Yeah." which actually it can feel hard, but I promise you it can be this beautiful moment of a new type of connection when you're almost both

looking at this thing in the shelf like, "Yeah, that's kind of true." And I think in the best partnerships, both people are understanding how my earliest attachments influence what I'm bringing today. and you learn about yourself and you learn about each other because it's amazing when a partner can start to see, "Oh, I think she's doing that pulling

away thing." It doesn't mean it's my job to make this better. But actually having

away thing." It doesn't mean it's my job to make this better. But actually having a little clarity, I might say to my partner in a hard moment, "Hey, look, the last week has been really hard. I feel like you've been really snippy and let's figure that out. I also know based on our conversations, there might be something hard and vulnerable you're going through. You can talk to me about that. This is

not the same as early on. And I know it's going to feel hard because it's new. Why don't you take a moment because the snippiness and snapping at me, I know that's not the version of you you want to continue. And I know it's going to be a leap of faith for you to try something new. But I know we're both working on this. I'm going to ask you to

do that. Why don't we find a time and you can tell me what's really going on? And this is where our earliest

do that. Why don't we find a time and you can tell me what's really going on? And this is where our earliest attachments give us information to empower ourselves. and in no way do they kind of put us in some type of prison.

Chapter three, how to regulate your emotions at any age. There are things we can do to improve our emotion regulation skills. Number one is actually just realizing it's a skill. I think parenting is a skill, too. That's actually what everything we do at Good Inside is based on. We've been told forever, parenting comes

too. That's actually what everything we do at Good Inside is based on. We've been told forever, parenting comes naturally. You should just know what to do. I hear this from parents all the time. I'm struggling with my kid. They're having these tantrums. I'm

naturally. You should just know what to do. I hear this from parents all the time. I'm struggling with my kid. They're having these tantrums. I'm yelling them all the time and then they say, "Yeah, I'm getting tips on Instagram. Um, I read a book here or there." But when you really realize, hold on a second. This is a skill. Any other area of my life that I really care

there." But when you really realize, hold on a second. This is a skill. Any other area of my life that I really care about? I invest in learning skills. I get some professional help. I practice.

about? I invest in learning skills. I get some professional help. I practice.

That's actually so empowering. That's a sign of strength. It's just that parenting has always been told to us.

It's something that just comes naturally, which is why we feel shame and we stay alone when we're struggling.

That's actually the biggest thing I hope to change. And so, yes, there are so many things we can do to work on our parenting or to work on emotion regulation, which is definitely a part of parenting. Attachment theory and emotion regulation are deeply connected concepts. Kids are born with all of the emotions and none of the skills to manage those emotions. That gap, right,

concepts. Kids are born with all of the emotions and none of the skills to manage those emotions. That gap, right, explains why kids and adults act out. It's when emotions are greater than skills. But the thing about these skills that's different than some other skills is they're rarely just taught in a textbook or in a classroom.

Kids learn skills to manage their emotions through their attachment with their parents. This brings up the concept of dysregulation and then co-regulation and

their parents. This brings up the concept of dysregulation and then co-regulation and then the thing we all want emotion regulation. So let me explain. Because

kids are born with all of the emotions and none of the skills. They're often in a state of disregulation. All that really means is my emotions are greater than my skills. So, my emotions come out as a tantrum, as a huge outburst, maybe as an I hate you, as flailing on the floor. That is a state

of disregulation. My kid is having big emotions but doesn't have skills to manage. Okay.

of disregulation. My kid is having big emotions but doesn't have skills to manage. Okay.

What's co-regulation? One of the ways and the most powerful ways kids get from disregulation to regulation is through borrowing a parent's regulation. So, let's picture the scene. My kid is melting down. Why? Because I cut their grilled cheese into

the scene. My kid is melting down. Why? Because I cut their grilled cheese into triangles, not rectangles. Classic meltdown. which is probably just representative of there have been so many things in my day that didn't go the way I imagined and my bucket of frustration is full and the triangle of grilled cheese is just the thing that spills it all out. My kid is

disregulated on the floor. How kids learn eventually to regulate even in the face of frustration or disappointment is that they experience over and over and over and over and over again a caregiver who was able to stay relatively calm in

the moment the kid was disregulated. It's almost like here's my disregulated kid flailing on the floor. Here's my calm. And it's almost like the calm can transfer from my body to my kids. And now my kid has this much calm. Not much,

but it's growing. You can almost imagine this is, well, when will my kid be able to stay totally calm? A big part of it is the repetition over and over and over. My parents stayed calm. I've absorbed through co-regulation

over. My parents stayed calm. I've absorbed through co-regulation enough of that calm regulation that it's in my body and I can access it. See, the scariest thing to a kid is when they get disregulated and

it. See, the scariest thing to a kid is when they get disregulated and overwhelmed, which is essentially like the feelings in my body are so scary that they take me over. That's such a helpless state. But imagine your four-year-old in that helpless state and

then they see their parent who they depend on for survival and see, "Oh no, the things that feel overwhelming to me are also overwhelming to my parent. My parent can't stay calm with this."

That's that situation where you're freaking out when there's turbulence and pilots freaking out when there's turbulence. The way you're eventually, even as an adult, going to feel safe amidst turbulence is actually probably

turbulence. The way you're eventually, even as an adult, going to feel safe amidst turbulence is actually probably going on flights over and over that have turbulence and absorbing the regulation from the pilot. You start to believe it yourself. And so through a kid's attachment relationship with a caregiver, they

yourself. And so through a kid's attachment relationship with a caregiver, they start to see things that overwhelm me might not overwhelm me forever.

things that kind of knock me off my rocker and feel intolerable actually are tolerable to my most important safest adult. And that over and over brings a kid from disregulation to co-regulation to that eventual state of emotion regulation. I should say that we never

fully live in emotion regulation. All adults still need other adults in time to help co-regulate. That's why when you've had a horrible day and you go out with some friends and you're having dinner and they say, "Oh, that stinks. I've been there, too." You're like, "Wait, that's so weird. Nothing about my day changed, but I'm actually feeling better." We absorb some of the

validation and calm, and maybe someone believes in us in a way we forgot that we could believe in oursel. We still

need co-regulation even as adults, but hopefully we're not as dependent on it as often as our kids. And I promise you, your kid won't be as an adult if they've gone through that motion a bunch of times in their early years. Our ability to hold opposing truths at the same time

is one of the most important things for our mental health and successful adult relationships. I'll explain both. Our

feelings, our internal states are very complicated. Very rarely do we just feel one thing. For example, in parenthood, you might feel like, I love my kid in a

one thing. For example, in parenthood, you might feel like, I love my kid in a way I've never loved anyone in the world. And you might also think, I kind of miss my pre-child life. If we're forced to reconcile those two thoughts

as if only one of them can be true. When I have the thought of, "Oh my goodness, I miss my pre-child life," I start telling myself a story. I'm a horrible person. What kind of parent would say that? I had to do so much to get pregnant. I'm a monster. Good parents don't think that way. You can imagine the negative downward spiral from there.

pregnant. I'm a monster. Good parents don't think that way. You can imagine the negative downward spiral from there.

As if having that thought means I don't love the heck out of my kid. When we can say to ourselves, and this is kind of a good inside catchphrase, wait, two things are true. I love my kid more than I've loved anyone or anything in the world. And there are moments when I miss

my pre-child life. I don't have to reconcile those two things. I can just say they're both true. I have a type of internal peace. Now, being able to hold two seemingly oppositional truths is

internal peace. Now, being able to hold two seemingly oppositional truths is also critical for any successful relationship. Meaning, my relationship with my kid, my relationship with my husband, my relationship with my colleague, people see things differently. And when we need someone else to see things the exact way we see things, we get into really intense

conflict. In a marriage, maybe we both want to go to our own families for the

conflict. In a marriage, maybe we both want to go to our own families for the holiday. If I'm only trying to convince my husband, here's why that's a ridiculous idea. Here's why I should go

holiday. If I'm only trying to convince my husband, here's why that's a ridiculous idea. Here's why I should go to my family. I think we all know how that conversation goes. If I can say to myself, hold on a second. I really want to go to my family this year. Maybe I can understand why my husband wants to go to his family. Maybe we just need to

put on hold which family we're visiting. But maybe I can understand my husband and still understand myself. And maybe that conversation will be a lot more productive. And guess what? It is. This comes into play all the time with parenting, too. Setting boundaries is a

productive. And guess what? It is. This comes into play all the time with parenting, too. Setting boundaries is a big part of a parent's job. And news flash, kids generally have one reaction to our setting boundaries, a tantrum. Especially when they're young. When I

say to my kid, even beautifully, I know it's hard to turn off the TV. And TV

time is over. I'm going to turn it off now. I've never had a kid say to me, "That's a really good decision, Mom.

Thanks for your sturdy leadership. No, especially when my kids were younger and they weren't used to boundaries. They

would cry. They would tantrum. They would say, "You're the worst mom in the world. All my friends watch more TV than I do." If I can't hold two things as true, if only one thing can be true, I

I do." If I can't hold two things as true, if only one thing can be true, I start getting very mad at my kid. You're acting ridiculous. You already watched a show. I surveyed all of your friends parents and all of them told me they actually watch less TV than you do. explosion. If I can hold two things are

true, I'd say to myself, "Hold on. My job is to set boundaries." My kid's job is actually to kind of feel their feelings so they can learn to deal with them. I'm allowed to make the decision to turn off the TV. My kid is allowed to be upset about it. My decision doesn't dictate my kid's feelings, and my kid's feelings

definitely don't dictate my decision. I can make a decision. My kid can be upset. Two things are true.

Boundaries are one of the most important things to understand. I think for any relationship, a parenting relationship, a work relationship, partnership, definitely in your relationship with in-laws, you have to understand boundaries. And there's something I hear all the time, right, in passing, my mother-in-law doesn't respect my boundaries. My son doesn't respect my

boundaries. And whenever I hear this phrase, someone doesn't respect my boundaries. If I'm honest, what I think

boundaries. And whenever I hear this phrase, someone doesn't respect my boundaries. If I'm honest, what I think is, I don't think this person has a correct definition of boundaries. So, let me share my definition of boundaries and then we'll go through why it's so important and why boundaries actually help us connect to other people as

opposed to boundaries getting in the way of connection, which is what a lot of us think. Boundaries are what we tell someone we will do and they require the other person to do nothing. So, there's

like a two-part checklist and I love this. It's very practical. The next time you think you're setting a boundary, you can check in with both parts. Boundaries

are something we tell someone we will do and they require the other person to do nothing. Okay, so I think I set a boundary. Did I tell someone what I will do? And does the success of my boundary

boundary. Did I tell someone what I will do? And does the success of my boundary require the other person to do nothing? You have to have two yeses for it to count as a boundary. So when I say to my son, right, and this is a great example cuz I live in New York City. I live in an elevator building and I have a kid

who has about 0% people pleasing in him, right? So, he's not inherently peopleleasing. Good for him later on.

Challenging in childhood, right? And so, if I say to my kid, when we get into the elevator, don't press all the elevator buttons. It's very annoying to stop at all the floors or it's disrespectful to other people waiting. And then my son goes in and just presses all the buttons. So many parents would say, "My kid doesn't

people waiting. And then my son goes in and just presses all the buttons. So many parents would say, "My kid doesn't respect my boundaries." Or, "Get off the couch. Hey, stop jumping on the couch.

Hey, I'm going to count to five." My kid doesn't get off and I say, "My kid doesn't respect my boundaries." Okay. In

both situations, did I tell my kid what I will do? No. Does the success of my boundary require my kid to do nothing? No. In both situations, this is so powerful. I am making a request. I'm requesting for my kid not to press the buttons. I'm requesting for my kid to

powerful. I am making a request. I'm requesting for my kid not to press the buttons. I'm requesting for my kid to get off the couch. Now, there's nothing wrong with a request. We make requests all the time. And if our kid especially isn't able to follow a request and we think it's really, really important, we

have to set a true boundary. Now, watch for the difference. Hey, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons. And sweetie, even if you lunge for the buttons, I will stop you. And then if you're wondering what I would do, yeah, I would get ready. I'd have my like move ready when my kid lunges. I would just say I'm not

going to let you do that. That's a great boundary. Not we don't. It's like a weird thing we all learn to say to our kid. We don't press buttons. We don't hit. Hopefully your kid knows that. Not we don't. That's really giving away all

kid. We don't press buttons. We don't hit. Hopefully your kid knows that. Not we don't. That's really giving away all your authority. Listen to this language. I'm not going to let you do that and then I'm going to stop my kid. That's a

your authority. Listen to this language. I'm not going to let you do that and then I'm going to stop my kid. That's a

boundary. I'm telling my kid what I will do and I'm not putting the success of my intervention in the hands of my four-year-old. And that actually gives you back your power. A true boundary gives you your power. Think about all the times we say, "H, I told my kid to

turn off the TV and they didn't do it. They don't respect my boundary." Why am I giving my six-year-old my power? And

then in doing that, I actually lose connection because you know what happens in that TV example or the couch example?

My kid doesn't get off the couch. They don't turn off the TV and I end up yelling at them, which really diminishes connection. But if I zoom out, I can almost say to myself, why am I setting myself up for this moment? I don't even

connection. But if I zoom out, I can almost say to myself, why am I setting myself up for this moment? I don't even have the impulse control to turn off the TV. I go to bed later than I want to. How in any situation is my six-year-old going to watch a TV show and say, "You know what? It's a good decision to turn off the TV. It's just not realistic. So,

what should I do? The next time we watch TV, I'm going to hold the remote, sweetie, and at the end of your showtime, I'm going to turn the TV off. My kid will not say thank you, but that is a boundary." And it's more connecting because I'm setting my kid up for success. And I'm not asking my kid to do

my job for me. I'm not saying could you do the thing that's hard for me because I don't really want you to have a tantrum and I don't really want to deal with that. So, I'm going to put the power in you. No way. We want to get our authority back, which is a big thing at Good Inside. I call it authority without aggression. It's a rare form of

authority we haven't seen a lot of models of, but it's authority without aggression. I'm the decision maker. I'm

going to set boundaries before I get frustrated. I'm going to set boundaries before you end up doing the bad behavior. And that's actually going to preserve our relationship. Another

behavior. And that's actually going to preserve our relationship. Another

example of this at work, because it's the same thing. You're always showing up for a 9:00 a.m. meeting. You're leading

this meeting and someone's always late and you're so annoyed. And you say to them maybe some various passive aggressive things. It would be nice if we could start on time tomorrow, right? And then we think this person doesn't

aggressive things. It would be nice if we could start on time tomorrow, right? And then we think this person doesn't respect me. Please be on time. They didn't come. If you want to set a true boundary, you can say at the meeting,

respect me. Please be on time. They didn't come. If you want to set a true boundary, you can say at the meeting, hey, starting tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. meetings, I just want to let you all know, I will begin the meeting at 9:00.

I won't end up repeating things. If you end up being late to the meeting, I know we're all trying our best. Some mornings are like that. You can come to me after.

You can get notes from someone else. I will begin meetings at 9:00 starting tomorrow. Like, I hope you feel a little pep in your step. you're like, "Oh, instead of giving my power away to someone else, I'm actually reclaiming it and I can do it in a really kind, connecting way." And that's really what leadership, whether in the home or in

the workplace, is all about. So, when we're flustered, and parents ask me this all the time, what do I do when I'm really flustered to like calm down? And I think a parent even once said to me, I'm on the edge. I'm about to scream at my kid. I know it. I don't want to. What do I do in that moment? I often think of

my kid. I know it. I don't want to. What do I do in that moment? I often think of this being the equivalent of someone saying to me, "All right, I drove to a cliff. My car is on the edge of the cliff. How do I not fall off the cliff?" And what I would say to that person is,

cliff. How do I not fall off the cliff?" And what I would say to that person is, "Why? Why are you driving to a cliff?" Like, I mean it. We're asking the wrong question. The best question is, how can

"Why? Why are you driving to a cliff?" Like, I mean it. We're asking the wrong question. The best question is, how can I recognize that I'm on a road that always ends on a cliff and try to like exit that road before I get to the cliff? When you're on the cliff, how do you not fall off the cliff? I really

mean this. Nobody has a great answer to that. I don't. I mean, sure, I guess there's one or two things we could do, but our ability to do something productive when we're teetering on the edge, it's selling ourselves short. It's

kind of like not setting our kid up for success. We're not setting oursel up for success. So often, I think we're asking kind of the wrong questions, which is actually why we're stuck. And it's so empowering to know if you feel stuck with a question, how do I not tip off the edge? It's so empowering to say to yourself, wait, maybe it's not that I

don't know the answer to this question. Maybe I just need to ask a different question. And the question here is, how do I start recognizing that I'm getting overwhelmed? How do I start recognizing what's happening in my nervous system before I'm at a 10 out of 10? How do I

overwhelmed? How do I start recognizing what's happening in my nervous system before I'm at a 10 out of 10? How do I recognize I'm getting overstimulated so I can kind of empty some of that sensory bucket before I get to the point that I'm full, at which point anybody would explode? And I love this question because it's much more hopeful. Number

one is we have to realize anger is a healthy emotion. I don't just mean a normal emotion. It's a healthy emotion. Anger tells us what we want and what we

normal emotion. It's a healthy emotion. Anger tells us what we want and what we need. I actually wouldn't wish the removal of anger on anyone. If we want

need. I actually wouldn't wish the removal of anger on anyone. If we want to preserve any sense of self-esteem and selfworth, we have to have access to anger. Can you imagine someone saying, "I'm never angry." That's really a way of saying, "I never know what I want. I never know what I need." That's actually

a really, really sad state of being. Actually, having access to anger means you still have access to selfworth. the

belief that you do kind of deserve to want and need things. Now, why is anger so hard to manage? It goes back to attachment and internal family systems and our earliest years. Anger is one of the hardest emotions to develop skills for because it's so powerful. But the

issue wasn't anger itself. The issue was most of us weren't taught skills to effectively manage anger and we weren't given a long enough kind of runway to learn how to do that. Instead, we were like sent to our rooms, which ironically only makes us more angry without having skills. Pretty counterproductive. In adulthood, a big part of reparing, and

this is some of my favorite work to do with parents, can do maybe a little preview of it here, is to start to reclaim access to healthy anger. Here's an example, and most people wouldn't think about it as anger. Okay, I'm really overwhelmed at bath time. Let's say, let's say I'm a stay at home parent or I'm home earlier and my partner works every night. I think wish I had more

help. Wish I had more help. Right? You feel a little angry. If you're able to recognize anger, hi,

help. Wish I had more help. Right? You feel a little angry. If you're able to recognize anger, hi, anger. Well, that makes sense. Anger tells me what I want and need. What do I want? I want some help. I need some

anger. Well, that makes sense. Anger tells me what I want and need. What do I want? I want some help. I need some support. Okay, I'm allowing myself to feel anger. And maybe then because I've done that process, I'm able to, and this

support. Okay, I'm allowing myself to feel anger. And maybe then because I've done that process, I'm able to, and this takes practice and skills, which I love to teach parents, speak directly, not this. This is what we do too often. It

would be nice if you were home for a bath time some point. No.

Hey, I feel overwhelmed around doing bath time by myself, and I really, really need more support. Can you let me know two nights this week that you can be home by 5:25 p.m.? I really mean it. I start with a feeling. I name a need and I am specific. I always just have this little acronym, feeling, need, specific. The specificity matters

because so often, especially in parenting, when you're the holder of information, you say bath time, the person who's less involved for whatever reason might have no idea what you mean. They're like, I came home at 7:00. Oh, I didn't know that bath time was at 5:30.

And this is hard for a lot of us because we have been so conditioned to try to get as far away from anger as possible that we don't communicate directly. We kind of dance around it and we do something extremely powerless. We hope

someone else recognizes our need before we do. Like we're almost crossing our fingers. I hope my partner knows I need help at 525. We do something I call we hint and hope. Oh, I'm just going to drop a hint and I'm going to hope. So

disempowering. So amazing to realize, wait, anger is healthy. It's telling me what I need. What do I need? Can I

listen to it? Can I name a feeling? Right? I probably need help. That's what my anger's telling me, right? With bath

time and the minimum is two nights a week at 5:25. Now, what I'm doing, and I always talk about this with parents, kind of if I think about a road to rage, which is what we mean when we fall off the cliff, is instead of waiting till I'm almost at the cliff, I'm exiting.

I'm I'm literally taking an exit. Another example might be, "Oh, I'm so touched out. I can't even deal with my kids anywhere near me." Wait, maybe that's an anger signal in a way. What do

I need? I need some time alone. Huh? Whenever I tell my kids I'm going to go for a walk, maybe my partner's home or I have some help or they're old enough to stay home alone and they say, "Wait, I want to go with you." Now I realize, "No, sweetie.

I really love being your parent and being with you. I want to be very direct. I also really need time to myself. That's really important. So,

it's okay if you're upset. I'm going to take this walk for the next 20 minutes totally by myself. That's something I need." That is another kind of exit on that road and ironically comes from your ability to recognize anger. You're

need." That is another kind of exit on that road and ironically comes from your ability to recognize anger. You're

feeling a little angry at your kids, resentful, and you can actually use that information to exit that road again before we're on the cliff. I actually think the simplest thing you can do is adopt this AVP practice. AP is a basic foundational emotion regulation skill. And just to go through those steps, it's acknowledge, validate, permit. I'm not

going to be able to regulate my feelings of anxiety or jealousy if I'm not able to say, "I think I'm feeling anxious. Oh, there's that jealous feeling." I

always think of acknowledgement as saying hi to something. And I find this really, really useful because as soon as I can say hi to jealousy, then jealousy is a part of me and not all of me. Okay?

So, as soon as I can say, "Whoa, hi, jealous feeling about my friend getting a promotion when I'm kind of struggling at work." Now, instead of jealousy kind of being in the driver's seat of my car, it just feels like it's taken over.

at work." Now, instead of jealousy kind of being in the driver's seat of my car, it just feels like it's taken over.

That's when we make really bad decisions. I'm in the driver's seat of my car. I'm kind of like waving to jealousy in the back seat. It's kind of like an annoying, pesky passenger, but I'm acknowledging it. And then I think we have validation. Validation is telling yourself why your

feeling makes sense. That doesn't have anything to do with saying your behavior about the feeling makes sense. It might make perfect sense that you're feeling jealous. That doesn't mean you should send a nasty text message to your friends about your friend who got the good job promotion. Not okay. But you

have to be able to say to yourself, "Well, I've been really working hard at work and I haven't gotten the promotion I thought I was going to get. So, it makes sense that I'm jealous." Validation does not mean I agree with how you feel. When

I say to my kid, I get it. You wish you could stay up later. No part of me thinks it's a good idea for them to stay up later. They have a bedtime because I think it's the

later. No part of me thinks it's a good idea for them to stay up later. They have a bedtime because I think it's the right bedtime. But validation is so important because it's kind of saying to

right bedtime. But validation is so important because it's kind of saying to someone else, I see your emotions as real for you, which is really no skin off my back. I'm not saying it's real for me. I'm not even saying I would feel like that if I were in your position.

It's interesting. The only reason we can't validate someone else is because we are in a one thing is true mentality.

We are only thinking, well, I don't feel that way. Well, I wouldn't feel that way. Well, I didn't feel that way when I was that age. That could all be true. But we have to hold two things are true. I don't feel that way. I wouldn't have felt that way. My child is feeling that way. At our core, as humans, we are all

just looking to feel believed. And the reason that's so important is because our feelings are both so powerful and completely invisible. See, when a kid falls and skins their knee and is

completely invisible. See, when a kid falls and skins their knee and is bleeding and they're crying in pain, there's something very useful about seeing the blood or the cut. They're

like, "I thought that was painful. Oh, look at that. It's real blood. I'm

right." Feelings are so confusing because every adult knows when you feel something intensely, it is just such a powerful sensation in your body. But

there's no blood to prove it. There's no blood test. There's nothing external that is a sign that what you're feeling is real. And so as humans, when someone sees an invisible feeling that's taking over our body as real, it's like the

ultimate sigh of relief. It's like I'm not so crazy after all. This thing that I feel is real. Yeah, this is a real thing. Now, the reason validation also is something we want to do for our kids, knowing that it doesn't mean we agree, is our kids can't learn to manage a feeling in their body if they don't get the message that the feeling is real. That's a precondition.

So, people say to me, "But I don't want my kid to think it's just okay to freak out like this about going to bed, so I'm not going to validate the feeling." I said, "Whoa, let's take the long game here." Ironically, if you want your kid when they're older to not freak out about going to bed, you actually do want to validate their feelings. That's step

one. It's hard not to make your own decision. It stinks to have someone else pick your bedtime. Even just you're really upset that you have to go to bed right now. I

bedtime. Even just you're really upset that you have to go to bed right now. I

believe you. Now, the same thing is true for self-regulation in adulthood.

Validating your own feelings doesn't mean this feeling is going to be true forever. It doesn't mean this feeling means you have to act in a certain way. It's just kind of a way of saying to the sensations in your body, you're real. I believe you. And I promise you what

you're real. I believe you. And I promise you what that does to kind of cool down the intensity is remarkable. You can almost think about your feelings like this annoying friend who's just trying to get your attention and you're like, "Stop it. Stop it. Go away. I wish this friend

wasn't at this party." You just kind of have to look at the friend sometimes and say, "Hi, I see you. You're real." And

then that friend will like simmer down a little bit and won't be as pesky. So, big picture, validation doesn't mean agreeing. Validation doesn't mean I feel the same way. Validation is just a way

agreeing. Validation doesn't mean I feel the same way. Validation is just a way of saying a feeling is real for that person. And when you think about it that way, it might be a lot easier to start doing. The next thing that I think is missing is what I call permission, which is just giving yourself permission to

doing. The next thing that I think is missing is what I call permission, which is just giving yourself permission to have the feeling. It's actually remarkable. Sometimes I think our feelings would be saying to us, "Please just allow us to be there. Please just allow us to live in your body. We're not looking for much more." As soon as I can say to myself, I allow myself to feel jealous. I permit this jealous feeling.

It also doesn't have as much of a hold on us. So, I'm asked a lot, all this validation of my kids feelings, am I just coddling them? And I love this question because I really really want to differentiate the two. Codling is a real thing. Let me be clear. There are a lot

of parents, I see it, too, where there's cuddling. And what that really means is you are limiting your kid's capability.

Good inside is all about helping your kid access and bring out their capability. I believe that's the best thing for kids. That's what resilience is. And validation of whatever your kid

capability. I believe that's the best thing for kids. That's what resilience is. And validation of whatever your kid is feeling is a part of helping your kid be capable, but it's not the whole thing. I think about two things that are really important components of helping a kid become more capable. And the first one is kind of that I

believe you. And and we hear other people talk about this. So let's say a kid is on a soccer team, but they're no

believe you. And and we hear other people talk about this. So let's say a kid is on a soccer team, but they're no longer starting and they found that out. They don't want to go to practice tomorrow.

To me, the first I believe you, the validation would sound something like this. Look, I get it. I would probably feel the same way. Like I just kind of want to stay in my room. I can't believe I lost my starting spot. That stinks. If

I say that to my kid and then I say, "I guess you don't have to go." Yeah. I I

think that's really limiting to a kid. Really limiting. It's not just coddling. I I just think it's a very sad thing that when a kid feels that they're not capable of something because of their emotions, we collude in that not so capable version of themselves. I think that ends up being a horrible feeling to a kid. Oh, I didn't think I was capable

of doing something hard. And no one else really believed in me either.

Now, the opposite of coddling, I guess, would be something like, "You're making a big deal out of nothing. Go to

practice. This is absurd." It's interesting. I I don't think that helps bring out a kid's resilience either. Now, all of a sudden, my kid really doesn't want to go to practice because it's just a way to defy me. So, that's counterproductive. My kids's

either. Now, all of a sudden, my kid really doesn't want to go to practice because it's just a way to defy me. So, that's counterproductive. My kids's

going to feel let down at a million points in their life when they're older. And if they can't do that first step of acknowledging and validating and permitting their feelings, they're not going to be able to recover from it. And just judging yourself for your feelings makes them harder to deal with. So what's that middle ground? What's that resilience building ground? We have this

I believe you. But the second part, and I do think this is missing sometimes, but let me tell you, it is core to what we do at Good Inside. We never forget it. I believe you and I believe in you.

It's actually really easy to remember that. I believe you and I believe in you. You want to raise a resilient kid, especially in the face of some nervous or anxious feelings. You need both parts. Okay? And in a way, I picture my kids kind of in a hole almost. Not like a abyss, but let's say it's like a little hole like I can't do this. No, I

kind of need one foot in the hole with them. Like that's the part that's validating. I believe you. I'm with you.

But this is important. You need one foot out of the hole. I always think about it. One foot in validation, one foot in capability and hope. So, what would that sound like? We started. Look, I get it.

I feel the same way. Honestly, not having a starting spot anymore, that's really hard. And I, too, would probably just want to curl up in my bed and not go to practice.

And you're a kid who can do hard things. I want you to hear that from me. You are.

and showing up to practice really uncomfortable and a little bit embarrassed. I'm not going to tell you you can work your way out of that. It is going to be a really, really hard practice. And you're actually going to get more out of going through that than you probably would if you were just having the starting position for the rest of high school. I want to be honest and I

really know you can do this. That's not coddling. Now, parents get very specific. So, do you make them go to practice? There's so many dynamics in a family. No parent is usually that successful making their like 16-year-old do anything. But this also has to do

practice? There's so many dynamics in a family. No parent is usually that successful making their like 16-year-old do anything. But this also has to do with the way you've related to them until that point and whether you kind of have enough of what I call connection capital built up with them for that intervention to really be helpful. I'll give you another example, right? Your kid isn't in class with anyone they're

friends with. You have to call the school. You have to switch me so I'm with Molly and Priya, whatever their

friends with. You have to call the school. You have to switch me so I'm with Molly and Priya, whatever their friends names are. Look, sweetie. I remember when I was your age and I found out I wasn't in first grade with my best friends. That stinks. That doesn't just stink like this or this. It's like big time.

friends. That stinks. That doesn't just stink like this or this. It's like big time.

And you're a kid who's going to get through this. I'm not going to call the school. Sometimes we don't get our friends in our class. And actually, you're going to feel more confident at the end of this year having gotten through that. Probably having made some new friends.

our class. And actually, you're going to feel more confident at the end of this year having gotten through that. Probably having made some new friends.

But either way, just seeing that you can get through disappointment. So, I'm not going to call the school. I'm not going to switch your class, but I will remind you every day how capable you are. And I'll also understand that you're sad and we're going to get through this together. That is resilience building.

Because when you get older and something's really hard, you have to do that first step. This stinks. I got fired from my job. And then if you also hear that second voice and I'm going to get through this. I feel overwhelmed with kind of sadness and shame, but I also know there's some other version of me who's going to get to the other side.

I can't even really see her right now, but I know she's there. That combination of those two. Oo, chef's kiss. That's

resilience. I think a lot about how screens, both our relationship with screens as parents and our kids' relationships with screens are affecting emotion regulation. I

think the core thing I think about is our relationship with frustration is dramatically changing so quickly because of the ease and frankly the quick dopamine hits that screens give us all the time. So, let's start with children, but then I'll talk about parents because

I think that's the part that's often left out of the conversation. Our kids, because of technology, there's just a lot more ease built into their everyday life. Whether it's I just get to sit on an iPad and basically go like this, bing bing bing bing bing, basically nothing, effortless, and dopamine and enjoyment

and excitement and reward just come to me. It's kind of the opposite of all the circuitry we would want kids to build in terms of what will be adaptive later on. Like even think about your kid at five learning to read or in their first job taking on a hard project. You want them to have a circuit that kind of says I

have to put in a lot of effort and a lot of work. By the way, a lot of time, a lot of struggle, a lot of intentionality and then one day in the future I will have a reward. reward comes later after a lot of hard work is basically the opposite of I do basically no hard work and get reward right away. So it makes

sense that our kids have less what I call frustration tolerance. There is

less tolerance for frustration which is essentially the space between wanting and having because the space between wanting and having for children and technology has been collapsed. I often

think even just about watching a movie I was fortunate to grow up in a family where he had a Blockbuster membership.

Okay, so I think about, oh, I really want to watch a movie. Okay, let me go talk to my parents and see when they can take me to Blockbuster. Okay, maybe

that's a day or two. Now, let's go on the drive to Blockbuster. This is already 48 hours where I'm like, "Oh, I really want to watch this movie. Really want to watch True Beverly Hills, whatever it is." We finally get to Blockbuster. go and you're winding through the aisles and then you see the image and sometimes as most of us remember is you you look behind and

you're like, "Oh man, they're out. They don't even have that movie." Or maybe they do, but it took such a long time between wanting and imagining and having. If we think about the time a child right now has between wanting to watch a show and having a show, I I it's essentially

no time. It's almost like magic. Like, if I want something, it magically

no time. It's almost like magic. Like, if I want something, it magically appears in front of me in that moment. And I think too often we're not thinking about how does this show up in school? How does this show up in a kid's ability to learn to read? Now, there's definitely learning dynamics around reading, right? There's phonics.

Certainly, some kids are dyslexic or have attention struggles. But for a lot of kids who struggle, it's one of the first things around age five that they actually have to wait and work and not succeed at right away. And you know what? With reading, nobody is just delivering to you right away the ability

to read. And so if that circuit in a kid's body work, try stick with it.

to read. And so if that circuit in a kid's body work, try stick with it.

Don't get it. Keep trying. Hear that voice that says, "I can't do it." Take a deep breath. Take a break. Come back.

Keep going. And the best it gets is, I don't know, you can read a part of a word, but not even the whole word at the end of that lesson. If that circuit has not been developed in other parts of a kid's life by the time they learn to read, it's no wonder the kid looks like they're essentially having a meltdown

and can't attend to it because it is a totally new task and completely at odds with all the reward circuitry they've come to expect in their 5-year-old life.

Okay. Now, the part that I think we often neglect and is so important is what our relationship with screens in adulthood has done in terms of the dynamics around parenting. So, we kind of know our kids are less tolerant of frustration, which actually does mean they probably do have

parenting. So, we kind of know our kids are less tolerant of frustration, which actually does mean they probably do have more bad behavior because their expectations are so different than ours were. But now in adulthood, I know, and I can just speak for myself, I'm on my

were. But now in adulthood, I know, and I can just speak for myself, I'm on my phone a lot. I've gotten used to this world where I don't have to go to Blockbuster. I want to watch a movie. I'm going to watch that movie. I even

think about an ingredient I might want to have for tonight's meal. I can go bing bing bing and the thing is delivered to my house. So much more ease, so much more immediate gratification, so much more dopamine, so much less frustration, so much convenience, and so much less inconvenience in our adult life. I think

one of the most important things to know about raising young kids is actually that it's massively inconvenient when it's done well. Your kid will have a tantrum when you go to the grocery store and you're like, "Well, I guess I'm not getting groceries. I'm going to have to pick my kid up and carry them out. You're a good kid having a hard time. Whatever I say, put them in the car. Work through it." So inconvenient. I'm

home for 10 minutes after work and my kid is screaming. I get it. Inconvenient. If you think about what phones have done to our tolerance of the day-to-day inconveniences of parenting, it's dramatic. I think one of the reasons we kind of can get into this bad cycle, our kids are less tolerant of

it's dramatic. I think one of the reasons we kind of can get into this bad cycle, our kids are less tolerant of frustration in part because of technology and their expectations of too much immediate gratification, more bad behavior. We are less tolerant of our kids' bad behavior because of our relationship

behavior. We are less tolerant of our kids' bad behavior because of our relationship with our screams, which means instead of tolerating it, oh, we're going to work through this together, where it's like, fine, take an iPad. Fine, have the ice cream. Fine, let me change my rule. I just want to make this go away. And

we're in this horrible cycle. We're less tolerant, they're less tolerant, more bad behavior, more shutting down and avoidance, more bad behavior, off in a bad direction. And it's one of the reasons why helping adults and kids increase what I call frustration tolerance, like my work around frustration tolerance, it's handinhand

with resilience. There is nothing more important in this day and age than teaching your kid frustration

with resilience. There is nothing more important in this day and age than teaching your kid frustration tolerance, which also means we have to increase our own frustration tolerance to help our kids do the same. When we think about our kid bad behavior, like my kid doesn't wait, they interrupt me all the time. Well, our kids have less waiting built into their lives. They do. They're not waiting for

a movie. They're watching five minutes of a movie, maybe just a show, and they're like, "Nope, don't like this. Next, next, next, next, next." And so,

a movie. They're watching five minutes of a movie, maybe just a show, and they're like, "Nope, don't like this. Next, next, next, next, next." And so, we actually have to make sure with our kids, like I've actually said to my kid, I'm going to teach you waiting. It's a

thing. It's a thing. It's still real. I'm going to make sure we learn it. And it is one of these reasons on the margin, right? I live in Manhattan and I might think, "Oh, I'm going to jump in a cab." You know what? I'm going to carve

margin, right? I live in Manhattan and I might think, "Oh, I'm going to jump in a cab." You know what? I'm going to carve out more time and I'm going to go wait for the bus. Not just cuz it saves money, which I like, but because my kid actually needs more moments than I did based on my childhood to wait to

literally learn how to wait and practice doing that.

Chapter 4, Rupture, Repair, and Deeply Feeling Kids. Rupture is a moment in a relationship when there's a disconnection. When trust is broken, when something felt scary, but really when two people who are in a close relationship have disconnection.

Rupture between a parent and a kid could look like you as a parent yell at your kid. You snap. You say you're a spoiled brat. You use a scary tone. Why don't you ever listen to me? That's the rupture moment. I think we all know them

brat. You use a scary tone. Why don't you ever listen to me? That's the rupture moment. I think we all know them and we all have them. That's really important. No parent is perfect and avoids rupture. Rupture is part of every even loving relationship. Repair is when you reconnect following a rupture. And

that often involves taking responsibility for your part, acknowledging what it might have been like for the other person and talking about what you want to do differently the next time. Now, I think it's powerful to think about the difference between a repair and kind of just an apology. So many times an apology

doesn't feel good to you because it actually looks to shut a conversation down. Something like this. I'm sorry I yelled. Okay. I'm sorry I yelled. We're all right. I'm sorry I yelled. You forgive me. Right? It's either something

yelled. Okay. I'm sorry I yelled. We're all right. I'm sorry I yelled. You forgive me. Right? It's either something I'm looking to get from someone. We're okay. Right? Or it's a quick conversation ender. I'm sorry. Can we

move on? That doesn't help someone and it doesn't reconnect. A good repair actually opens up a conversation. So the steps might be I name what happened. I take responsibility.

Maybe I acknowledge what it might have been like for someone. And I talk about what I might do differently the next time. Sounds like a lot of steps, but it can be really short. Hey, I yelled at you earlier in the kitchen. I'm really sorry. I was feeling really frustrated and that came out as a yell. And I'm sure that felt scary to you. I'm going to work on staying calmer even when I'm frustrated.

You can also shorten that. Just something simple like, "I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier in the kitchen.

That wasn't okay." What I'm doing there is I'm going back to that moment of rupture and I'm taking responsibility for my part. I'm also in the nature of how I'm communicating, not just looking to move on. I might even add after if you want to talk to me about it, I'm open. If you want to tell me how that

felt for you, you can. If there's some way that we could have handled it differently, I'm open to hearing that.

And what I'm really doing then is instead of that rupture moment being this disconnection, I know that happened. I'm not perfect. I'm a human, not a robot. But what I can control is the after. I can go back and offer a very different experience that

kind of surrounds the rupture moment. And that actually really changes the way even the original rupture gets remembered in our relationship. We know that memory is not only remembering the original event but remembering every other time you've remembered that event.

So if you think about the event as I don't know a circle or a pebble in between yes that starts out of memory.

But whether I then say even with a hard memory and then I talked about it with my mom and then I had a guidance counselor at school who helped me understand it in a new way. Now all of a sudden I have these layers around that pebble and the memory the next time I talk about it isn't simply the thing in the center. It's all of the other things around it. which speaks to the immense

the center. It's all of the other things around it. which speaks to the immense power of repair and why I do think about repair as being similar to being a parent magician. So, here's what I mean. I've yelled at my kids. I still yell at my kids. I think that's so important. I

parent magician. So, here's what I mean. I've yelled at my kids. I still yell at my kids. I think that's so important. I

say always, I never want to be on a pedestal. Okay? My kids don't have Dr. Becky as a mom. They have Becky. And I'm

doing my best. And I try to yell less and I try to repair a lot more. I think that's as good as it gets for everyone.

So, let's say there's a moment, and I talked about this in my repair TED talk. This happened where it was one of those days, really stressful day and my son complained about dinner. It was something like chicken again, disgusting. And I had labored over cooking dinner and I wasn't terribly happy with it e either. But it was just

disgusting. And I had labored over cooking dinner and I wasn't terribly happy with it e either. But it was just the accumulation of too much. And I yelled. I think I called him a spoiled brat or you don't appreciate me. My tone

was scary. And in that moment, if I'm honest, kind of mom, the mom I love and need, my sturdy leader became scary mom.

And so he ended up in his room and I'm in the kitchen. And at first, yes, the spiral starts. I'm a horrible parent, right? Because I've collapsed my own behavior and my identity. I've taken this moment and I judge myself. I was

right? Because I've collapsed my own behavior and my identity. I've taken this moment and I judge myself. I was

able to ground myself. And I think the real secret about repair is you have to repair with yourself first. I'm a good parent who was having a hard time. That moment didn't define me over and over.

Then I ended up going to my kid. But before I tell you what I said, I want to talk about why repair changes memory.

This event already happened. My kid has this memory of this moment. My mom yelled at me when I had a kind of mild complaint about dinner. Okay. But if I know memory is not just the event, it's every other time I remembered the event. What that means is when I go repair,

hey, I just screamed at you in the kitchen. That wasn't okay. I'm sure that felt scary and I'm really sorry. My son's memory will forever change. Now

there's not just this, "Oh my goodness, I got yelled at." There's I got yelled at and wow, my mom came and took responsibility for what she did and sat with me on my bed and I wasn't alone and we reconnected. When you repair with your kid, and it doesn't just have to be in the moment. Sometimes the magic of it I think happens almost when we repair

for something longer ago. People say, "Is it too late to repair?" No, you can always say to your kid, even something general, there were a lot of times when you were younger, when you were having a hard time, I just sent you to your room and took away things you liked. And I'm just thinking,

I've learned something new recently. And I look back on that and I am sure that felt really bad and unfair to you and I understand that and I'm sorry and I want to do things a little differently. I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to do things

differently from now on. Now, to be clear, very few kids get that and say, "That was a really meaningful relational experience, Dad. Thank you. That has never happened." Okay, your kid might look like, "What? Okay, can I have pretzels? That doesn't mean it doesn't matter. You actually are changing your

kid's memory because the memory of what happened, even if they're not thinking about it all the time up here, it already is stored in their body. We

can't change that and that's okay. But we can layer on top of it. And too many times we focus so much on the event instead of the power we have after the event. Oh, yelling messed up my kid. Now, I don't like the term messed up my kid. It's too final. But if I use that language, I'd say to a parent, "Yelling's not messing up your kid." not

kid. It's too final. But if I use that language, I'd say to a parent, "Yelling's not messing up your kid." not

repairing after yelling. That's what's messing up your kid. But that's good news because you can still repair. So,

let's learn that skill and start to do it. One of the things that was happening in my private practice as I was developing these ideas is I was seeing so many parents for parenting work. And

there were a subset of parents who were telling me, "My kid has these huge tantrums. Dr. Becky, it's not what you've ever seen before. Animalistic, hissing, growling, scratching me. I've

seen other kids. They don't have tantrums like this and my kid takes longer to calm down and and they blame me for things I never did. Why did you trip me? And I'm thinking, you just tripped on the sidewalk. Like, sorry if you're embarrassed, but I wasn't even touching you. All these things. And then they'd say to me this, and I'm doing the

things you told me to do, but your strategies are making things worse. Okay, I'm ashamed to say this, but I feel like leading with the truth is important. My first thought in these sessions was often, I just don't think you're doing it right. Like, I don't know if you're doing it the way I would do it, but like, okay, I love a problem

and I love to be creative. And so, how about we try this or how about we try this? And then we started to make a lot of progress. And I didn't quite understand exactly why, but started to catch on with this kind of subset of

of progress. And I didn't quite understand exactly why, but started to catch on with this kind of subset of like very, very intense emotional kids who would kind of push parents away in the moment they kind of needed parents the most. this kind of unproductive dance. Then I had my second kid. I was

like, "Oh, oh, okay. I understand all of these parents because I know I'm saying things and doing things the exact same way I was at my first." But when I validate my kids feelings, oh, you're so sad. This

is what I get in response. Stop talking to me. And a part of me is like, wait, this is this is supposed to help. This

helped other kid. And then I would see these animalistic meltdowns. It's kind

of the only way like the 0 to 60. It was so intense and the calming down would take so much longer. And I just remember thinking, "Oh my goodness, I have to call all these parents and say, "Okay, I am so with you." And so I had this kid in my house and then I was seeing so many of these families cuz I

think once I started to develop this other approach and we had all this success like all these referrals came in and I really saw that there's this group of kids I call them deeply failing kids who really are kind of operating differently in the world. And I think the core thing I realized about them is these are kids who are more porous to

the world. And if you think about what that means, if you think about the pores on your skin and each one being bigger,

the world. And if you think about what that means, if you think about the pores on your skin and each one being bigger, that would profoundly impact your experience in the world, more would actually come in from your environment, which means you would get overwhelmed more easily or more quickly, right? And

also in the moments when it all came out, because you were more porous, more would come out. It would be almost violent and intense. And their tantrums and meltdowns and protests really are more intense. And parents need to know you're not making it up. The other thing I realized about these kids is unlike

more intense. And parents need to know you're not making it up. The other thing I realized about these kids is unlike non DFKs, when non deeply feeling kids are vulnerable, they trip and fall. They

feel sad because you're leaving and someone else has to put them to bed, they really take in comfort. They don't get calm right away, but they want to be comforted. deeply feeling kids, and this is so important, when they feel vulnerable, they simultaneously feel

comforted. deeply feeling kids, and this is so important, when they feel vulnerable, they simultaneously feel shame. And shame makes feelings explosive. Which is why when deeply feeling kids

shame. And shame makes feelings explosive. Which is why when deeply feeling kids trip or mispronounce a word, or even when they internally just feel like, "I'm going to miss my dad when he's on a business trip." because they feel things so intensely and they're so acutely aware of their

business trip." because they feel things so intensely and they're so acutely aware of their intense emotions, they start to think, I'm a really intensely feeling person and I get overwhelmed so easily and I so need the adults around me. But the things that overwhelm me, I'm worried are going to overwhelm them and so I

can't really ask them for help because then I'm going to kind of lose the very person that I need. And you can imagine this is such a conflictual ex existence.

And if people are thinking, "You think that's what's happening for my three-year-old?" 100%.

And so when they miss you, when they're embarrassed, they explode with anger and kind of push people away. These are the kids when they're having these massive tantrums and they are so out of control, they get out of my room. But you're kind of thinking like really, like you're not really in a good place to make that decision. And then sometimes we take the bait and we leave and we say, "Fine, I'm

just trying to help." And as soon as we close the door, essentially what a DFK thinks is, "See, I knew it.

I really am as bad and overwhelming to others and toxic and too much as I worried I was, and they're off to the races in a bad way. I have come to be obsessed with these kids. I think they are the most misunderstood kids and unfortunately I have to say even in the

clinical world too often these kids are labeled as oppositional defiant and parents are told every parent who ever has done our whole deeply feeling kid program tells me yeah I've always told you're not being harsh enough you're not being consistent enough with timeouts all that does especially for DFKs is confirm their biggest fear I am too much

too bad for others and only makes them even more vulnerable to all the bad behavior we're looking to shift away from. Now, this doesn't mean those kids need a party when they're exploding. No.

from. Now, this doesn't mean those kids need a party when they're exploding. No.

But I've developed this way of understanding those kids and and something I call a side door strategy. See, when typical kids, not typical, but when non-defailing kids are upset, you kind of picture them in their house and you can kind of go up to their front door and you're like, "Hey, I'm here to support you." And they kind of respond like, "Sure, come on in. Hey, it was so hard when your brother said you couldn't

support you." And they kind of respond like, "Sure, come on in. Hey, it was so hard when your brother said you couldn't play with him and his friend, right?" And a little bit a non-deley feeling kid will go right and you kind of know you have that moment. You say that to a deeply feeling kid and they do they slam the door in your face. Get out of my room. Stop talking about feelings. But we

your face. Get out of my room. Stop talking about feelings. But we

misconstrue that as them not wanting our support. It's just too direct. It's like almost too close. And so I've developed this way of understanding we have to go around to the side. And what are you going around? You have to go around their shame, which is actually their fear that all their big feelings will lead to disconnection. So, just as one example of that, it might sound like

this. Look, I'm going to say something and I don't know if it's true, it

this. Look, I'm going to say something and I don't know if it's true, it probably won't be, but if I say something and you agree with it, give me a thumbs up. If you kind of agree, but kind of think it's wrong, give me a thumb to the side. And if I say something that's totally wrong, give me a thumbs down. Now, pro tip. When you do

this for a DFK and you know you have a DFK when this hits, first say something that they're going to reject. Why?

Deeply feeling kids based on their fears, they need to titrate closeness. They kind of need to push you away a little before you they take you in. So

you might say first, I think you're upset earlier because I promised you I would take you to the moon and the space shuttle just wasn't ready. Maybe I'd say that to a kid who loves space and my kid's going to go like this from their bed.

No. And inside you'll think, "Oh, I'm so winning." Because then you can say something like this. This is an exact example that a family shared with me. They did this and the second thing they said was, "I think it's really hard when you're playing with your brother and his friend and you're included and then all of a sudden they want some alone time."

And this family told me the kid gave a thumb to the side with for a DFK is like as good as it gets in the beginning. And the parent told me I was just so happy. It was like the first connection we'd had in a while and I just kind of didn't say anything. I was like frozen

happy. It was like the first connection we'd had in a while and I just kind of didn't say anything. I was like frozen in shock and the kid goes, "Ask me another question." Deeply feeling kids get so overwhelmed and struggle to understand themselves. And truly, one of the worst things for a kid is to be ununderstandable.

And too often for DFKs, because we think we have to lead with harshness or be more consistent with punishments, they actually get worse and worse because they feel so ununderstandable. It's the worst feeling for a kid. Nobody

understands me. It's almost like, am I even real? Who am I? All kids need to feel understood. I think it's harder with deeply feeling kids because traditional methods of trying to

feel understood. I think it's harder with deeply feeling kids because traditional methods of trying to understand your kid, they do reject. And then we can take that very personally. We feel like, "Hey, I'm trying my hardest and you're stopping me from feeling like a good parent." But what's important to know is after kids act out, after that hitting and that anim animalistic tantrum, or after your kid says something awful to you and they're

alone in their room, it's just so important to imagine that that kid is actually so overwhelmed and frightened because they're alone. Now, that doesn't mean we should run to our kid right away. We might need to regulate oursel first. And connection can mean a lot of things, but finding a way to be close to

first. And connection can mean a lot of things, but finding a way to be close to your kid again, to even remember in your head, wait, I don't have a bad kid. I

have a good kid who is having a hard time. Finding your kid later and saying, look, I know we all have moments when we do things we're not proud of. I love you. Nothing you could ever do would change that I love you. That is so, so important. And so that moment and there's so many other ways you can kind of go around the shame. The dynamic with

important. And so that moment and there's so many other ways you can kind of go around the shame. The dynamic with these kids completely change and they become much more able to manage their emotions and actually they get to tap into all the amazing parts about being a DFK. They are these intensely feeling people which when you get around the bad

behavior and the shame, you see their intense joy and they're so funny and they're leaders and they're so self assured and so deeply feeling kids are kind of my passion project within the passion project that is good inside. Um, and I'm just excited for more people to think about their kids or maybe even

themselves in that framework. Chapter 5, four habits that build emotional strength. I think about four daily habits that really, really compound in a beautiful

emotional strength. I think about four daily habits that really, really compound in a beautiful way over time in terms of parenting your kid. And I'm going to go over all four. You don't have to do all four every day, but it kind of gives you a little menu. Number one is taking care of yourself.

That is a really important part of being a sturdy leader. If you think about the sturdiest pilot, they would never say, "I love piloting my passengers so much that I have piloted for 30 straight days. And I haven't even had a moment to myself, I'm sorry, I'm getting off that plane. I am not letting that pilot fly

days. And I haven't even had a moment to myself, I'm sorry, I'm getting off that plane. I am not letting that pilot fly me. In fact, there are laws to mandate that pilots get rest." As parents, we

me. In fact, there are laws to mandate that pilots get rest." As parents, we have to think about that ourselves. Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is

self- sustaining. And kids don't need martyrs. They need sturdy leaders. And that means parents have to take care of themselves. So the practice of taking care of yourself should be a daily habit. And that doesn't mean, oh, I'm going to Paris for 6 months. I'm taking care of myself. I

mean, if that's something that you're able to do and it works for the family, for most of us, what that means is I'm going to sit down and drink my coffee while it's hot. I'm going to make my own breakfast. I'm going to have some water. I'm gonna carve out time where I'm still instead of running around all the time. I'm gonna go to bed early. I'm gonna work out. I'm gonna see a friend. That's

an important daily habit. Number two, connecting with your kid. The thing that really compounds over time with your kid is connection. I love strategies and scripts and little hacks here and there, but the truth is the only strategy you really have with your kid when they get older is connection. And this is one of my biggest issues also with timeouts and sticker charts. I've seen too many

families where there's a 16-year-old who stops going to school. They're like, "You can't make me." Or they're doing really, really dangerous things. And they never quite say this, but they kind of do through their behavior.

I'm too big to put in a timeout. And I don't give a fill in the blank about stickers. and you have spent 16 years not connecting to me or getting to

about stickers. and you have spent 16 years not connecting to me or getting to know me and there's really nothing between us and that's terrifying.

The only thing that makes a 16-year-old listen to your rule about a curfew or tell you about something pretty messy that they need help with at school or with friends is that they feel connected with you. And it's never too late to build connection, but connection compounds. The work we put in when our kids are younger, to talk to them about

hard things, to understand that they're upset about something that wouldn't upset us, that compounds in a massive way when our kids are older and connection is really the only thing between us. Number three is seeing hard feelings as something we want to help our kids sit with, not fix. Feelings are

not for fixing. And if we want to have kids that are really resilient and not fragile and not entitled, we have to make sure our kids are learning how to sit with hard feelings rather than looking to us as the fixer or the exit of hard feelings. I didn't make the soccer team. Now,

sure, maybe there's a time to think, is there a soccer team in another town? But not first. Oh, that stinks.

Sit with disappointment rather than an immediate exit. I'm the only one in my class who can't read. I'm so glad you're telling me about that. Tell me more. What happened in

read. I'm so glad you're telling me about that. Tell me more. What happened in class today? Rather than that can't be true. Well, at least you're good at chess. Whatever we say to lift our kids

class today? Rather than that can't be true. Well, at least you're good at chess. Whatever we say to lift our kids out of the feelings. Becoming resilient by the time you're an adult compounds from seeing that you can cope with hard feelings and hard situations, not entirely avoid them. And the fourth habit is repair. I actually tell parents

all the time, if you're going to get really good, really good at something in parenting, get really good at repair. If

you back into that, it's almost overt permission to mess up because you actually can't repair if there's not a rupture. So, the only way to get good at repair is to have a moment that you didn't feel good about. And so, I hope

rupture. So, the only way to get good at repair is to have a moment that you didn't feel good about. And so, I hope you can use that with levity, like, wait, I'm trying to get good at repair. Step one is maybe yelling at my kid,

okay, check. I did the first step, you know, and they always say the first step is the hardest step, so I guess I'm just well on my way, and now I get to

okay, check. I did the first step, you know, and they always say the first step is the hardest step, so I guess I'm just well on my way, and now I get to practice repair. I'm doing the daily habit of repair. Repair matters so much.

practice repair. I'm doing the daily habit of repair. Repair matters so much.

So self-care, connection, helping kids tolerate hard feelings, not exit from them, and repair. Those are the four habits that really, really compound over time. Taking a hard moment and kind of forming the sentence, I'm a good person who is life-changing. I'm a good person

who yelled at my kid. I'm a good person who's been late to work a lot. I'm a good person who struggles to be honest about my feelings in relationships. So often our hardest moments come because we just judge oursel again. We collapse behavior and identity. And a quick little cheat to separate identity and

behavior is actually just to have the sentence starter. I'm a good person who that establishes to yourself right I'm good inside. And that in of itself is kind of healing. And then you can name the

good inside. And that in of itself is kind of healing. And then you can name the behavior that you want to get curious about, that you want to build skills around. And I promise you that sentence structure sets you up for so much more positive change as opposed to this always self-critical, self-laming,

negative to self cycle a lot of us can tend to be in.