How glowing up ruined my life

Okay, let's let's try to let's try to say some nice things about yourself. Okay. Um

yourself. Okay. Um

Have you ever wanted something so badly because you felt like it would make your life so much better? I don't want to be that girl in

better? I don't want to be that girl in college that none of the guys like. But now when the guys at my school

like. But now when the guys at my school and they look at me, I don't really probably find me as attractive anymore, which I don't really care. But again, it serves as an

indicator that my appearance has changed.

I didn't always look like this. Just a

few months ago, things were so different. Back then, the boy I was in

different. Back then, the boy I was in love with liked me back. People were

nice to me and life just felt exciting. But now, people treated me

exciting. But now, people treated me differently and that hurt. Ow. I just need to get it to the

hurt. Ow. I just need to get it to the point where people can still look at me and not vomit. I could no longer enjoy the simple things that I used to with,

you know, gaining weight. I have to always wear big sweaters, always black pants, so many restrictions. You know,

the thing that hurt the most for me was that the boy I was in love with stopped talking to me and suddenly we were strangers again.

You would think that the answer to a problem like this would be to glow up.

And that's what I thought, too. I

thought it would make me happy, and it did. But it also ruined my

did. But it also ruined my life. The first day is always the

life. The first day is always the hardest. About two more miles to walk.

hardest. About two more miles to walk.

So, I'm putting on this salic acid.

Think about the co guys in college.

Like, do you want to be that girl that the guys don't want to talk to? I'mma

change you. I'mma change

you. The journey was taking longer than expected because I was struggling with weight loss.

That's really unfortunate. Anyway, it's

okay. Don't lose faith. You're going to get right back on track and you'll lose weight. You know, I'm consistent in a

weight. You know, I'm consistent in a lot of things, but when it comes to weight loss, it is so hard. The more I struggled, the more I craved my dream self. I'm starting to picture this

self. I'm starting to picture this person I could look like, who I can be. And she looks amazing and seems

be. And she looks amazing and seems amazing. And it it's just like

amazing. And it it's just like everything I want to do is being held back by one thing, and it's my [Music]

weight. My efforts to lose weight

weight. My efforts to lose weight weren't exactly working. I was getting further away from my dream self and that made me even more insecure. I just

remembered part of me actually doesn't want to go to dance class. The teacher

was really judgmental towards me and like neglected me in the class. I felt

really uncomfortable with myself and started to develop unhealthy patterns.

You know, like what I did in the past is I would actually just cancel plans and not even go hang out with people. I

don't take Instagram photos if I've gained weight, you know, because it's like I don't even want to go out to this party anymore because I just look terrible and yeah, like I

don't look good in any of my clothes.

When I was walking to my hair salon, in my head, I just wanted to go around and buy a bunch of different food. Why am I thinking this way? Why am I thinking this way? Like why do I want to go and

this way? Like why do I want to go and buy a bunch of food when I'm like not even that hungry? Why would I want to sabotage everything? Like, but if I stay

sabotage everything? Like, but if I stay strong today, tomorrow should be easier.

I don't know what to do. I I just can't meet up with him looking like this.

Like, this is just not [Music] acceptable.

People were getting tired of watching my repetitive failures. I stopped posting

repetitive failures. I stopped posting on YouTube and decided I would come back to complete my story once I figured everything out and finally glowed

[Music] up. And then today I was in the room was

up. And then today I was in the room was just laughing at me and they were like, "What? Cuz you

ate too much."

Like I just I just And I don't know why I'm crying about it, but it's probably because I've struggled with it for so

long.

[Music] During this time, I got help from a therapist and a celebrity fitness trainer, but none of that worked.

It only gave me more reasons to be ashamed of [Music] myself. You know, you may wonder like

myself. You know, you may wonder like how could you let yourself get to this point? And it's because I didn't care, I

point? And it's because I didn't care, I guess, cuz I understand it's like a deeper rooted issue. It's like who I am on the

inside and who I am on the inside is pretty weak. It was hard not to dislike

weak. It was hard not to dislike myself. I

myself. I was a failure. Sometimes the world insults you

failure. Sometimes the world insults you in a way that makes you feel like you just can't take it anymore.

I did not come this far just to come this far.

The humiliation pushed me to such a low point that I thought I'd rather die than be a failure.

When your feelings get hurt this much, you can't help but become consumed by darkness. I wanted to destroy my old

darkness. I wanted to destroy my old self and bury her so deep into the ground that she never comes back to make me feel ashamed or humiliated ever

again. I was extremely angry and fed up

again. I was extremely angry and fed up with being this version of myself. So, I

started pushing past my limits because I wanted to get to my dream self as fast as possible. I needed to succeed because

as possible. I needed to succeed because succeeding meant that all my problems would go away and I would finally be happy.

[Music] I'm like looking at someone different.

Who are you?

[Applause]

[Music] Baby baby.

[Music] I went back on YouTube to complete my story and I didn't expect that many people to watch it. And when you've gone so long not feeling good about yourself,

the effects of success truly make you feel valued and appreciated. You get

hooked on the high of the winds and validation and you almost feel like you can't live without it. Like if I failed

now, there was really no point in living anymore. Oh my gosh, people are going to

anymore. Oh my gosh, people are going to see this and they're probably going to expect me to be perfect afterwards. I

was like, "Wow, if I do something in the future and I do something wrong, people are just going to think, oh, she's just like her old self." When the external validation feels too good, there's

usually another side to it. I was live streaming and then someone commented and then people were like asking. They were

like, "Why do you not look as good as your Instagram photo?" And I'm like, "Because my lifestyle is out of whack, and yes, I have gained a little bit of weight back." You start to feel like the

weight back." You start to feel like the world is watching your every move. Like

you cannot be less than this standard. I

became really self-conscious and even a little bit of weight gain made me feel insecure. Basically, I walked in, I was

insecure. Basically, I walked in, I was like holding myself. I felt

uncomfortable in my own skin. I really

understood what that meant. And not only did I feel uncomfortable, I just felt like I didn't belong. I felt like it was easy to be kind to myself when I was my

ideal standard. But as soon as I wasn't,

ideal standard. But as soon as I wasn't, it would trigger these negative thoughts and I would start to shame myself. As I

was eating my cake, I saw this woman running and I literally saw her and I felt bad about myself. And so that's when you realize it's not about the

other person. It doesn't affect your

other person. It doesn't affect your life. What affects your life is if

life. What affects your life is if you're running or not. I know why I felt so bad about myself. It was because number one, I was in my pajamas. Number

two, I haven't been eating healthy this week. I thought I was just keeping

week. I thought I was just keeping myself in check. Because when you are being the best version of yourself, you just don't let yourself do these unhealthy habits. My dirty apartment is

unhealthy habits. My dirty apartment is triggering me. My disgusting outfit is

triggering me. My disgusting outfit is triggering me. The fact that I haven't

triggering me. The fact that I haven't showered in a while is triggering me.

Like I couldn't maintain a balance in my life and as a result I couldn't hold on to my dream body. Holy I look different.

dream body. Holy I look different.

I wasn't supposed to end up like this again. I was not supposed to end up like

again. I was not supposed to end up like this again. What the happened to the

this again. What the happened to the pain of who I used to be? I look fat, too. Throw me out on the streets at this

too. Throw me out on the streets at this point. I don't deserve this. While my

point. I don't deserve this. While my

life was spiraling out of control, the online pressure was getting worse. Coach

Greg and today I'm going to be talking about Olivia Dandrea. She recently

posted a video that essentially has gone viral nearly. We'll be looking at Olivia

viral nearly. We'll be looking at Olivia Dandrea's blowup diaries. I've never

gotten so many reaction requests to like that video. So I am other creators were

that video. So I am other creators were commenting on my journey and it led to me receiving a lot of [Music] messages. I'm just trying to be the best

messages. I'm just trying to be the best version for me and I'm trying to make others feel better as I share my journey.

It's like it's like people I can feel negative comments so happy with the fact that I didn't reach this perfect

version. Okay, let's let's try to let's

version. Okay, let's let's try to let's try to say some nice things about yourself. Okay.

yourself. Okay.

[Music] And that is how glowing up ruined my

[Music] life. Heat. Heat. N.

life. Heat. Heat. N.

[Music] [Music] [Music] [Laughter]

[Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music]

So, [Music] I'm struggling to care about anything in my

life. And then I realized I thought

life. And then I realized I thought about my subscribers and something like I felt something. And so I was like, what about

something. And so I was like, what about my subscribers? I care about them. And

my subscribers? I care about them. And

all I want is for people to accept me in any body that I am

in. And the the cold hard truth is I

in. And the the cold hard truth is I don't know why. I don't know why I want to be

why. I don't know why I want to be accepted. What is the purpose? What is

accepted. What is the purpose? What is

the purpose of this entire glow-up journey? What is the purpose for why

journey? What is the purpose for why you're trying to reach that goal in your life? When I was younger, I said that I

life? When I was younger, I said that I just wanted to be happy. And no one ever questioned me. I didn't even question me

questioned me. I didn't even question me because it was such a socially acceptable goal to go glow up, to chase something that the world values. But now

with the awareness that I have, I recognize that that happiness I was after was not a good happiness. The

problem with the glow-up concept is that we're only seeing these results, which can easily create the illusion that these results is what creates the happiness. And secondly, it can be easy

happiness. And secondly, it can be easy to fall into the mindset that the before version of you is not enough or acceptable. And it starts to make you

acceptable. And it starts to make you place value on only one version of yourself, the version that has all the external things that society values. It

ends up creating such a fake relationship with yourself. It's like a fake friend. A friend that only likes

fake friend. A friend that only likes you because you're pretty, you have cool clothes, you're rich, you get good grades. That's not a friend that I want.

grades. That's not a friend that I want.

I want a friend that likes me no matter what. Those real friends are the ones

what. Those real friends are the ones that make you feel deep fulfillment. The

fake friends make you feel empty in the end. I think there's so much knowledge

end. I think there's so much knowledge online about how to chase external goals in life, but not enough about how you have to develop that healthy relationship with yourself first before

going to chase those external goals in life. There's not enough information

life. There's not enough information about how to make yourself your own best friend. So anyway, I hope you guys enjoy

friend. So anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the video and see how I end up becoming my own best friend.

What is acceptance?

Acceptance is an opening of your heart to the realities of life. The thought of acceptance is

life. The thought of acceptance is painful and scary because it makes us feel like we have to let go of our goals and dreams, stop growing, and accept our

harsh realities.

This is just the reality that when I lost weight, people treated me differently. The world sets a standard

differently. The world sets a standard and convinces us that we're not good enough. This motivates us to want to

enough. This motivates us to want to change because we want the world to accept us, to approve of us. So, we try to conform to the world's standard, thinking that it makes us better people

and that it helps us grow. But chasing a goal out of seeking the world's approval is an insecure goal. Insecure goals

causes unhealthy pressure which can create toxic patterns. When we seek validation from others to feel worthy, we start to believe that our worthiness depends on their approval and

acceptance. This fragile mentality

acceptance. This fragile mentality mistakes happiness, love, and inner peace as things that can be given or taken away from us at any time. Don't

limit yourself to what society says is successful. Be yourself. As cheesy as

successful. Be yourself. As cheesy as that sounds. Anyway, I started to ask myself,

sounds. Anyway, I started to ask myself, what was like the purpose of all of this, right? The main intent of that

this, right? The main intent of that journey was for me to glow up and be happy. And here I am at the end of my

happy. And here I am at the end of my journey and I'm really, really unhappy.

probably more unhappy than I've ever been. A true everlasting transformation

been. A true everlasting transformation requires you to break down the very structure of your belief system and rebuild it in a new and improved form.

And the very first step to everlasting improvement is making peace with all versions of yourself. Forgiving yourself

and realizing that you were worthy all along, regardless of your standards.

I think I just want to forgive myself for everything that's happened. It's like a forgiveness like,

happened. It's like a forgiveness like, "Hey, dude. It's

dude. It's okay. It's okay."

okay. It's okay."

[Music] I think there's just this part of me that wants to say.

[Music] Hey, I don't know if you can see me, but I just want to say this one thing. I

don't know who you are. I don't know what you have achieved, what you look like. No matter the mistakes we've

like. No matter the mistakes we've made, no matter whether or not we can reach a goal, I just hope that you feel

like you are enough for once because I know what it feels like to not. Self-worth is oftentimes confused

not. Self-worth is oftentimes confused with self-confidence. Self-confidence is

with self-confidence. Self-confidence is a feeling of trust in one's abilities.

It is derived from our accomplishments and skills. Our confidence goes up and

and skills. Our confidence goes up and down depending on how we're doing in various aspects of our lives. Self-worth

is a feeling of love for yourself. It is

the knowledge that we are inherently worthy of love and care no matter the externals. Your self-love should not

externals. Your self-love should not waver. This allows us to look at

waver. This allows us to look at self-acceptance in a deeper way.

Self-acceptance is not about complacency but about acknowledging your current reality and not judging it. When we

judge ourselves so harshly, it affects our self-worth. When our self-worth

our self-worth. When our self-worth lowers, it can cause us to go seek that love on the outside through external goals or other people because we are not getting that love from the inside. How I

broke the habit of negatively judging myself is by saying the words, "It's okay. It's okay that you're not perfect.

okay. It's okay that you're not perfect.

It's okay that you were self-critical.

It's okay that you weren't productive."

The negative judgmental voice in our heads is learned. It is learned through all the voices you have internalized from people, parents, friends, society, anyone who wants you to conform to their

ideas of what you should be like and what you should do. Self-acceptance is a way of deprogramming from societal standards. By acknowledging our

standards. By acknowledging our situation in a neutral way, we can remove the negative judgment that pressures us to change. When we release negative judgment, we create space for

self-awareness and compassion. We start

to listen to ourselves more, become more in tune with our thoughts and feelings, and are able to stand up for ourselves and choose what we really want to do.

Whether that is to change yourself or not change yourself, your happiness does not have to make sense to other [Music]

people. When you accept yourself, some

people. When you accept yourself, some amazing things start to happen.

[Music] You believe in your own value and only surround yourself with people who see it, too. I'm at the mall and something

it, too. I'm at the mall and something just happened to me. So, there was a guy that I went on a date with 2 years ago during my glowup journey. And at the time, I didn't really understand how

much I was lacking in self-acceptance and self- loveve and all that. So, I

like so badly wanted him. Like, I was lowkey desperate. I literally just saw

lowkey desperate. I literally just saw him. He was on a date with another girl.

him. He was on a date with another girl.

But it's so crazy because of how much I've changed as a person. It's so crazy cuz like I look I saw him and there was

just no desire for him because I feel so whole and full on the inside. I love

myself truly deep down so much now that I don't want a guy that doesn't want me.

Literally, I couldn't get over that obsession and I didn't know why. I

couldn't understand why I obsessed over him. And now I see it's because I so

him. And now I see it's because I so badly wanted validation in the past. And

I didn't even understand that. I was

like, "No, I'm not the girl. He wants

that stuff." But I didn't realize subconsciously I did. And now I literally just saw him with another girl and I'm like, "Good for you." And I'm just like, I'm going to go shopping now.

You will naturally start to defend yourself from negativity and unhealthy pressure. I'm at the mall right now with

pressure. I'm at the mall right now with my mom and my mom loves me. whatever.

Um, not at all out of pay, like she just wants the best for me. And my mom was just talking to my aunt saying the same comment that she said to me for so many years, which is like, "Oh, just wait and

see. Like, once Olivia loses just a

see. Like, once Olivia loses just a little bit of weight, she's going to look gorgeous." And in the past, I always

gorgeous." And in the past, I always loved to hear that comment. That was

like my favorite because it just put such a high selfworth on my thinner self and basically completely disregarded who I am right now. And so now when I hear that

now. And so now when I hear that comment, I immediately just like threw it out of my head. It's like, nope. I

can't tell you how much more normal my thoughts are now now that that I've truly like learned to love and accept who I am right now.

You stop restricting yourself from the simple joys of life because you realize you deserve to be happy. In the past, every time I came to the mall, I would

say, "I don't want to try on clothes. I

don't want to buy any clothes because I don't want to waste money on my current self. Like only my skinny self deserves

self. Like only my skinny self deserves to have pretty clothes."

So, and and didn't realize at the time how toxic that was. How that sends a message to your subconscious self that, hey, I don't accept you right now, so you don't even deserve nice clothes. Do

you see what I'm saying? Now, it's like, if I want to make myself look nice now, please do. You stop depending on other people's

do. You stop depending on other people's validation to feel good about yourself.

Now I see that I really so badly wanted people to treat me better because I wasn't treating myself well. Once I

started treating myself well like I am right now. If someone's going to treat

right now. If someone's going to treat me badly because like okay, I'm not as thin or whatever. Dude, if you don't want to treat me as nicely because of

the way I look, then I wouldn't even want someone in my life like that. If

you don't use it, you lose it.

Self-acceptance is a daily practice. Ultimately, you end up with

practice. Ultimately, you end up with the tools for maintaining your self-worth. And that's when you know

self-worth. And that's when you know you've glowed up and are ready to go on that external transformation if you want to. Hi, today is January 31st, 2024. The

to. Hi, today is January 31st, 2024. The

good thing is that when you have a really good relationship with yourself, it can cause you to flourish in relationships. So, I'm very excited to

relationships. So, I'm very excited to announce that my next series will be coming out and it's called The Dating Diaries. I documented the last year of

Diaries. I documented the last year of my dating journey. It was a huge roller coaster. I'm getting so excited just

coaster. I'm getting so excited just thinking about it. But anyway, yeah. So,

there's lots to come on my YouTube channel. I'm just so excited to be back

channel. I'm just so excited to be back and being a YouTuber. Oh my gosh. Okay,

bye.