How to be confident (even if you’re not) | Montana von Fliss | TEDxBellevueWomen

[Music]

picture this you're going on a boat trip

and you get on board with your family

and you got your bags and the captain

comes out to greet you and

says Hi um my name's Montana uh Bon F oh

I'll be your captain for this

journey so uh

oh boy let's just have a great trip

[Music]

sorry nope get me off of this

boat what we want in that moment is for

the captain to walk out and say hi my

name is Montana Von fiss I'll be your

captain for this journey let's have a

great

trip the point is when you are the

speaker you are the captain for that

journey and how you show up really

matters

for the last 17 years I've coached

thousands of speakers all over the world

from Big tech companies to small

startups and everyone from new hires to

CEOs of Fortune 500 companies want to

know how do you show up and look

confident so I'd like to share my top

five tips for how to be confident even

if you're not so let's break it down

what was the difference between those

two captains what did you see what did

you hear and not just you know one

seemed nervous one seemed confident but

what was I doing differently to make you

think that different volume different

words certainly different body language

but the truth is I wasn't actually

feeling particularly confident I was

just making certain physical and vocal

choices to make you think that you can

do that too anyone can do this so what

are those confident looking

choices number one turn up the energy

and speak up when you speak up even just

a little bit it reads as confident and

you don't have to shout think about it

this way on a scale of 1 to 10 aim for a

five yes it goes to

11 but you can just aim for a five I'm

here at a five right now I can bring it

back down to a three down here service

Captain was down here and then we bring

it back up to a five and it sounds

prepared positive and confident so turn

up the energy and speak

up number two pause like a

boss nervous speakers tend to talk

really fast right and then when they do

have a pause they fill it in with verbal

filler likes and ums however if you try

to speak more slowly it just sounds like

this right and that's not better so

instead make strategic pauses pause in

transition pause for emphasis

pause like a

boss number three superhero

stance imagine you are a superhero you

can do it from your chair how would a

superhero sit yes let that change your

posture I see you yes let that bring a

smile to your face and have some better

eye contact all of that reads as

confident and pretending to be a

superhero is just a super quick way to

have confident-looking body

language now this one also goes to

11 but you can just aim for a five and

that will be great tuck in that cape and

go save the

day and you can stand in superhero

backstage to boost your confidence

but I'm saying bring that Superhero

stance on stage so that your audience

sees you as confident and if you need an

easy shortcut just make the shape just

make the shape of a confident person the

audience cannot read your mind they

don't know how you're feeling so just

make the shape and they will go with it

like if you came over to my house for

dinner and I open up the door and I was

like hi come on in we're having

chicken you'd be like is this a bad

time you know you got to make the shape

of a good host make the smile shape

right instead of crossed arm shape open

up hi welcome come on

in if you're not sure if you're making

confident looking

choices you can just video yourself and

watch it back feel like I just saw you

say not doing that

one I know most people don't like to

watch themselves I get it but wouldn't

you

rather make that adjustment before

you're in front of your

audience yes videoing yourself is a

great way to check in to see that you're

doing the techniques but also to see

that it's still authentically you your

version of confident

captain now how can you do all of these

things on performance day okay number

four practice with purpose so make

yourself a rehearsal schedule put it in

your calendar you can give yourself a

little treat when you do a run through

and make it practice with purpose by

giving yourself a specific goal or

layering in one new confident Captain

technique each day if it's a week before

your event aim to run it all the way

through at least once a day and if if

you don't have time for a full run

through just take the opening closing

run that three times in a row from

anywhere when you're in the shower and

when you're walking your dog when you're

making a meal for your kids I know my

kids are very used to me walking around

the house talking to

myself whatever you need to do to get in

those

repetitions and don't be afraid of over

practice don't let that stop you you can

just let go of your verbatim script if

it's starting to sound robotic and you

can still use you know bullet point

speaker notes to remind yourself of what

you would like to say and to invite you

to say it a little bit differently each

time to keep it fresh and let me be

clear by practice I mean standing up

saying it out loud imagining your

audience and inviting them in clicking

through your slides doing it as much

like it will be on the day whether it's

virtual or in person and I know it might

feel a little funny saying it out loud

to yourself but think about when you

learn a new sport or when you practice a

musical

instrument if you had a piano concert on

Friday and you got new music on Monday

would you only read your music every day

and then play it for the very first time

at the concert on Friday no way and yet

I see speakers do this all the time give

yourself a chance practice helps

everything and it can really boost your

confidence to practice with purpose by

layering in one new technique each

day okay those first four techniques

they're all about how to appear

confident regardless of how you're

feeling I've got one more technique for

you and it's it's a big one but this is

the real gem it's the one that makes all

the others

shine this is number five the silent

sentence this is about what you choose

to tell

yourself I've been a professional actor

since I was a kid and I have always

loved going on stage as an actor as a

speaker as an MC and at the same time I

have often been not just nervous

sometimes downright terrified to step on

a stage I'm shaking I'm sweating and I'm

like what was I thinking why do I do

this to myself and all these unhelpful

voices flood in and I just tried to make

it stop push it away and of course that

never

worked and I kept going on stage because

I love

it and years later when I became a

speaker coach I got asked to do all

these professional presentations and

they went

well but I still had no way to deal with

that massive

anxiety and I was like what can I do and

I thought well what am I telling

myself what if you mess up you better be

perfect I realized I was giving myself

an impossible instruction to be

perfect and that really was not working

but what would work what would be a

better message and to figure that out I

had to go back to square one like what

do I want why did I say yes to this

speaking gig what is my deeper purpose

here and I realized at the heart of

it I just want to help my audience to

the best of my

ability and when I said that I noticed

everything change

that's where I found my first silent

sentence I want to help my audience to

the best of my ability when I said it

even silently to myself it acted like

this override switch like I might still

be shaking and sweating but now I have

this higher goal this deeper purpose and

everything aligned to that and that

became my highest priority I want to

help you and now that thought replaced

those unhelpful thoughts and everything

went better in my

performance and I was like yes it

worked

yay and then I was like wait how do I do

this every time especially when the

stakes are

high and it dawned on me like if I'm

writing and crafting the words I say out

loud why not write and craft the words I

say silently to myself put it in the

script it's the silent part of the

script so now every time I

rehearse every time I walk onto a stage

every time I join a virtual meeting I

say the following new and evolved silent

sentence I invite you to be here with me

while I am here with you so that I can

make this easier for you

now that

invitation to myself to be present

that's my definition of stage presence

being

present and that invitation to the

audience to be my partner that reminds

me these are friends not foes and I am

choosing to be here and now I'm not just

making the shape of a good host I really

am a good host because I am genuinely

welcoming you to my world

now how do you go about finding your

silent

sentence what do you

want what's your deeper

purpose you could be like me and you

might just want to help people or it

could be something more specific for

example you might want at least one

person in your audience to walk out and

take a CPR class or maybe you're just

super excited to have this experience or

or share with them some cool solution

you have for their problem you get to

fill in the blank and decide what you

want to

accomplish and this is not about

graduating to some higher level of being

where you never again feel

nervous yeah I know I haven't I was

feeling it pretty big about 15 minutes

ago getting ready to walk on this stage

and I am and probably always will be a

recovering

perfectionist that is a well-worn

pathway in my brain it is there it

exists it cannot be erased but now I

have this other

pathway and when big moments like this

come up I get to

choose and that's what I was doing back

there in the wings I was choosing to

gently insist on repeating my silence

sentence to set myself up for

Success what we tell ourselves really

matters we follow our own instructions

all day long our whole selves are always

listening so when you notice something

isn't going well or you're fearing

something might not go well in the

future use this

checklist what am I telling

myself what's being broadcast

then replace that with a better sentence

to help set you up for where you'd like

to

go and most importantly put it in the

script and practice it practice it just

as much as the words you say out loud so

if you're running your intro in the

shower three times in a row it would go

silent bit out loud bit silent out loud

silent out loud until it is inextricably

linked and it is just a part of your

process and it is repeatable and

reliable and then it's just there for

you when you need

it now I want to leave you with this

final

thought when you're at home and you're

practicing some of these techniques like

turn up the energy and speak up pause

like a

boss superhero

stance practice with purpose and your

silent sentence

sentence please know that it might feel

uncomfortable at first because it's new

and that is normal but think back to

when I was demonstrating the nervous

captain at the top how did that make you

feel and then when the confident Captain

came out oh what a relief now I can just

sit back and enjoy the ride remember

that feeling of safety you had as an

audience member and bring that into your

next rehearsal you can give that gift to

your audience reach outside your comfort

zone to make your audience feel safe by

making the choices of a confident

captain and who

knows you might even have

fun have a great trip

[Applause]