How to change ur reality // EP 93

Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome.

[Music] Okay, this week I'm armed again with my laptop. So, very exciting news. This is

laptop. So, very exciting news. This is

also my podcast debut of my thin [ __ ] eyebrows. What do we think? I decided to

eyebrows. What do we think? I decided to like take Razor to brow the other day and I think I really, really, really like them. It makes me remember how I

like them. It makes me remember how I used to look when I was younger because I used to think that eyebrows just looked Oh, I have matcha, by the way. I

used to think that eyebrows just look so dirty on people's faces. And so when I was like 11, I just [ __ ] shaved all of my eyebrows off. And I only had like the very like this front bit here and no other eyebrow. And I thought it looked

other eyebrow. And I thought it looked great. And then I remember I went into

great. And then I remember I went into school and everyone was like, "E babe, like what is going on with your face?"

And I was like, "What do you mean? You

mean the fact that it looks spectacular?

Is that what you mean when you say it?"

Anyway, e. Anyway, is it just me or is this weird? No, it's fine. Okay, so what

this weird? No, it's fine. Okay, so what are we going to be talking about this week? So, this week we're going to be

week? So, this week we're going to be talking about why are we scared to chase our dreams? Because I've been thinking a

our dreams? Because I've been thinking a lot about it recently in my personal life and I've had to do basically remember how I told you I had that complete mental breakdown. Yes. Well,

post mental breakdown, I've had to do a lot of thinking about basically basically what is in my way in so many different areas of my personal life that

stop me from being happy and stop me from wanting to take care of myself. And

a lot of that a lot of my questions have been answered with the consistent answer of like, well, because I don't really believe in myself or because I don't really like myself and so I don't do all these various things that effectively

led me to have a breakdown. So, I've had to do a lot of like what I think is effectively called shadow work. I've had

to do a lot of thinking about why I don't like myself and then basically had to decide to have the courage to face all of these things and really dive into my own psyche and try to understand

what is going on up here and in here because something isn't working. And

it's inspired a lot of podcast.

You know how sometimes I post on Instagram and I'm like, you can write in questions or submissions to this email and then I'll try and answer them on Pretty Lonesome. And sometimes they're

Pretty Lonesome. And sometimes they're funny stories, sometimes they are stories that require advice. Well, I've

been reading through them and I realized sometimes people might find it a bit boring if I'm just answering one person's advice thing and I'm being really specific to that one person. And

so what I've decided to do is just take inspo from one person and figure out a way to talk about what is going on for them in a much more broad way so that everyone can take something from what

the [ __ ] we talk about. So I'm going to read the email submission that inspired this episode. But just know that I'm

this episode. But just know that I'm going to then not really use specifics from this person and I'm just going to talk about the theme in general which I've decided the theme of her email is why am I afraid to chase my dreams? So

the email is this. You can skip ahead a couple minutes if you don't care. The

email says, "First of all, I love your podcast and the way you think." Thank

you. You have both inspired and comforted me in equal measure. Thank

you. She said, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're welcome.

That's really an honor." Okay. Thank

you. She says, "I'm turning 23 in 3 days and I can't escape the feeling that I'm not where I thought I would be. I feel

behind both in comparison to my peers and in terms of my own girlhood expectations for myself. I always

thought that by this age I would be solid in something. I would have a career totally worked out and be living on my own and be confident and be outwardly expressive of my inner self and created a home base which feels true

to me. I don't exactly feel close to

to me. I don't exactly feel close to these aspirations and it makes me angry that perhaps I'm letting myself down and letting down little me by not living my life to the fullest. She worked hard to overcome sad times and I always wanted to be the cool girl she would want me to

be. I have a pit in my stomach a lot of

be. I have a pit in my stomach a lot of the time and I feel like I've been devoid of my spark for literally the longest time. Probably the worst part is

longest time. Probably the worst part is that I know the changes I need to make to improve my life, but I always think myself out of making them. Like, why am I not on my own side? Why do I self-sabotage and run from what I want?

Why am I afraid to chase after my dreams? Like, what? Your words of advice

dreams? Like, what? Your words of advice would mean the world to me. To be

honest, just writing this out has helped me feel a bit better. With love, pretty lonesome listener. Okay, girl. So, let's

lonesome listener. Okay, girl. So, let's

talk about it. So, the first thing that I wanted to say is happy birthday. The

second thing I wanted to say is that it's never a bad thing to feel like you're not where you're meant to be.

Why? because it signals that you want something more. And that's never a bad

something more. And that's never a bad thing. But there are bad ways to go

thing. But there are bad ways to go about having this feeling. And one of the first things I thought about is that you can either be in a room full of people who are doing much worse than

you, right? And that's not going to push

you, right? And that's not going to push you toward feeling like you need and want and crave more. It's not going to make you feel super uncomfortable. It

might make you feel good about yourself, but it's not necessarily a good place to be, especially not at 23. By the way, I am guilty of this as well, but this goes out to all my 20some year olds. Chill

the [ __ ] out. You're fine. I need to tell this to myself all the time as well, but it's like regardless of where you are in your 20s, I promise you, you're not behind and especially not as behind as you think that you are.

Anyway, you can be the least knowledgeable person or least progressed person, least successful quote unquote person in a room and then everyone around you can teach you something.

Everyone around you can push you to want more. everyone around you can illuminate

more. everyone around you can illuminate in you what it is that you do or do not want. And as crappy as it can feel in

want. And as crappy as it can feel in the moment, it's a very good place to be. Why do I say that? I also felt this

be. Why do I say that? I also felt this way at 23 and I still feel this way right now. And the more successful I

right now. And the more successful I become, especially with moving to LA, I was like, "Oh my god." Like the more I almost achieve, the more successful people that I get to be around and then

the less I feel like I've achieved. And

honestly, it keeps me hungry and it keeps me motivated, but it can have a huge downside if I'm not conscious, which the downside would be being disheartened and being too hard on

myself. I can't emphasize enough how

myself. I can't emphasize enough how much selfbelief almost to a point of illusion is although it's never illusion but like almost to a point where it's like [ __ ] you almost have nothing to

back this belief up is essential because and I will say this with my chest the more I spend time around these successful people the more I realize there's not that much that sets them aside from the people that I knew

growing up who have made less for themselves at this point in time than their nerve and their audacity and their thrive and truly their courage and the

only thing in my view other than a very there's obviously a few people who are just so talented it's like god you were just destined to succeed I mean you could have almost fought this success and it would have found you the only

thing that truly sets them aside is is their courage to just go after it and it works like I can't tell you how much it works but I'm getting off the point so back to what I was saying I have to be

very conscious about how makes me feel it can either motivate me or it can make me feel disheartened and becoming disheartened like I was saying with with how many people really are so successful

and how most of it or so much of it relies on honestly their nerve and their their their courage. That's why I find it so important to emphasize how bad being disheartened and how bad being

down on yourself can really be for what you will end up making for yourself. So

I have to find fulfillment always in what I do have. Not just because that leads to more success, but also because otherwise I will waste my entire life being miserable no matter what I achieve. There has to be balance, right?

achieve. There has to be balance, right?

I have to be happy where I am and enjoy my process of getting to where I want to be. But I also have to stay mindful of

be. But I also have to stay mindful of the fact that I do want more. And that

when I see other people have something that I want or have something close to what I want or live a life that looks like something I would like to live in, I have to be mindful that, okay, this is pointing me in a good direction and it's

not just going to make me go home and be like, you know, even though it sometimes feels that way, it is like it's not complacency. It's enjoying the process

complacency. It's enjoying the process and knowing what you want and feeling happy because you know what you want.

And that's step number one. and also

feeling happy because you know that you're making moves toward getting there, right? And that kind of

there, right? And that kind of combination allows you to enjoy sitting in whatever your reality looks like at that current time. And when I look back

on the times in my life that I felt I was not living a life anything close to what I want and the last time that I really really felt this I mean there's been many times since but like the last time that my whole life was just nothing

I wanted was the end of my university experience which was in 2022 was when I graduated and that was the time when my future just like loomed above me and I really wasn't sure what I was going to

do or how I was going to get where I wanted or I had no idea even what I wanted or where I wanted to end up or become. And now when I look back on that

become. And now when I look back on that period of time, I just would have enjoyed it so much more if I knew magically knew that everything was going to be okay. And obviously there's nothing I can do to go back and afford myself that knowledge and there

shouldn't be. And I know that it sounds

shouldn't be. And I know that it sounds kind of obvious like well obviously if I know things are going to work out then I will just enjoy where I am and like but I don't know things are going to work out and so I'm stressed. And it's the kind of insight that I truly think only

becomes feels comforting to you if you've already done it once. If you've

already kind of beaten something in your life that you hated and got to somewhere better and now it's coming up again where you don't want to be where you are and you want to get get to something better and it's like you kind of do need

that retrospective experience to really bring that belief home I think. But when

you feel sad that you don't have what you want, it's good because it allows you to ask yourself, what is it that I do want that I don't already have? And I

think that the first step to getting there is to write that down. And I think a big problem with writing is a lot of people feel that it's cringe. They don't

like seeing their own brain on paper.

And a lot of people feel like it is difficult. Like, well, I don't want to

difficult. Like, well, I don't want to sound insane and I don't want to write down that I want all these things that I don't have because I'm going to sound maybe bigheaded, maybe entitled, maybe too aspirational or just delusional. And

then there's the flip side, which is like I don't want to write down that I'm afraid and that I don't actually really think that I can achieve this thing because I don't think I'm talented enough. That's not a very nice thing to

enough. That's not a very nice thing to write down and they just there's a lot of things to deter you from putting pen to paper when it comes to stuff like this. But I urge you to write it down

this. But I urge you to write it down anyway because it's what I do and it works and I can only speak from my own experience on this [ __ ] podcast. What

did you see that made you feel I don't have what I want or I'm not happy with where I am or if it's just a general feeling. You just know that you're not

feeling. You just know that you're not where you want to be. You just know that you don't [ __ ] with your life right now.

Then write that down as well. Write down

what you don't like about your life right now. And then next to it, write

right now. And then next to it, write down the opposite. What would that look like? On the flip side, if you change

like? On the flip side, if you change that into exactly what you want, say you hate the way your room looks and it just doesn't feel like you've really been able to express your taste or who you

are as a person through your room. Okay.

Well, how would you? For me, it's Dolce and Gabbana home section. Casa

something. Casa Casa Dolce, I think it's [ __ ] girl. Don't know, [ __ ] They have like £30,000 couches and I want one so bad. So like think about that like

so bad. So like think about that like well okay if I hate this so much don't just stop writing down what you hate.

That gets a bad vibe. What do you want?

And the more that you go through this list and the more specific you can be the more you're going to realize okay these are all the things that I want to change and these are all the things that I would prefer if it looked like. And it

doesn't even have to be finite. It

doesn't mean that you have to work for that do couch. It means you just now have a clearer vision of like what do I want? Because there's only so much you

want? Because there's only so much you can do with knowing that you don't like your life. You also have to know what

your life. You also have to know what you want. And that's where movement can

you want. And that's where movement can come from. So for me, when I first

come from. So for me, when I first started doing exercises like this years ago, a lot of the things that I wrote down were I wanted friends and I wanted them to live close to me because I had friends, but they were through my phone.

Like Milliey's always been my best friend, but we've been long distance.

And as much as I absolutely adore her, I really missed having this sense of people around me, people that I could pop over to their house and see them.

Like I didn't really have any community.

I never spent time with people. So I

really wanted friends. I wanted them to live close and I wanted them to feel like home. Now I have tea [ __ ] I met

like home. Now I have tea [ __ ] I met her when we were both living in London.

We lived down the street from each other and we've been best friends for two wonderful years now. We're very, very happy. I wanted them to really finally

happy. I wanted them to really finally be the people that I resonate with, my people. And I feel that I found that two

people. And I feel that I found that two years, by the way, after I ever started writing it down, like these things will not just come into your life immediately. Or they might. It might be

immediately. Or they might. It might be your time. It might not be, but write

your time. It might not be, but write them down. I wrote down everything I

them down. I wrote down everything I wanted. I wanted money. I wanted jobs. I

wanted. I wanted money. I wanted jobs. I

wanted travel. I wanted to be able to take care of my health financially. I

wanted better relationships with my family. So on so on, so on, so on, so

family. So on so on, so on, so on, so on. I wanted a cuter room. I wanted a

on. I wanted a cuter room. I wanted a million different things. Write them all down. You're never going to, you can

down. You're never going to, you can never ask for enough, especially when you're asking it of yourself. Because I

think a big feeling that comes up especially for women, dare I say, is this feeling of like too much or greed or like if you're asking yourself, you can ask for anything you want. Just keep

that in mind. You'll never be too much and it'll never be too greedy and it'll never be audacious. Be audacious. [ __ ] it. Who cares? Once you know, well, once

it. Who cares? Once you know, well, once you have a better idea of what you don't like and then the reality in which you would prefer to live, it is now within your power to immediately change your current reality to get closer to your

goals. Now, I feel like when people say

goals. Now, I feel like when people say this online, they're met with a lot of like push back because generally it's an unpleasant feeling, and I understand this to be told that you actually do have control over the [ __ ] that you

don't like and that it's in your power to change it. Because the initial thing that comes to mind is, "Fuck you. You

don't understand. I have a 9 to5. I have

responsibilities. There are real limits and real struggles that are getting in my way of getting what I want. And if it was that easy, then I would just do it."

Number one, that's true. There is a lot of validity in people having responsibilities. Everybody's got bills

responsibilities. Everybody's got bills to pay. Everybody has things that tie

to pay. Everybody has things that tie them to certain circumstances in their life. You cannot just quit your 9 to5

life. You cannot just quit your 9 to5 tomorrow unless you're a very lucky person. You cannot just necessarily move

person. You cannot just necessarily move across the country just because you want to. Like there are thing there is

to. Like there are thing there is obviously limitations in the way. And I

think that on the one hand this is very true and I think a lot of the reason people get so almost defensive when people talk about this like you can just change your reality is because no not everybody is lucky enough to just change

their reality. And then number two it's

their reality. And then number two it's like there's also a bit of fear of like that's a lot and that's scary and that's change. It's almost like once you're

change. It's almost like once you're given the power it's like do I even want this? I remember when I was about to

this? I remember when I was about to pass my driving test, my instructor asked me, "Are you scared?" And I said, "Yes." And then I said, "I think I'm

"Yes." And then I said, "I think I'm actually more scared because I know I'm about to pass." Because I had already failed my driving test once and this was my second go. And he looked at me and he went, "I know." And I have the same conversation with a lot of my students

before they go in for their driving test. And it's because, you know, that

test. And it's because, you know, that you're about to pass and you're actually very nervous of the responsibility that you're about to be granted, which is that you're about to be able to drive a car by yourself and that you are suddenly going to be responsible for

your a lot of the time, like seriously responsible for your life or death and you're going to be on the road with other drivers. And I was like, "Yeah,

other drivers. And I was like, "Yeah, I'm like really nervous to pass." And he was like, "And that's okay. Like you're

ready to pass. I wouldn't have told you that you can take this." I had a wonderful instructor. And he was like,

wonderful instructor. And he was like, "I wouldn't have told you you're ready to take this test if I wouldn't trust you driving with my nephews and nieces in your car. You are ready for this."

And that has always stuck with me. And

it's resonated many times throughout my life because it's like this fear of like obviously I want my driver's test. I've

just taken a million [ __ ] lessons, paid so much money to get to this point.

Obviously I want it because I'm here to take the test. I need a car. I want a car. I want to drive. It's like the

car. I want to drive. It's like the number one thing I want to do at this point in my life is just [ __ ] drive.

And yet here I am on the brink of achieving that goal and I'm scared to achieve it because it's scary to have this power. And that knowledge can just

this power. And that knowledge can just translate into so many different areas of life. And I think it's important to

of life. And I think it's important to identify that feeling when it comes up and question it of like this fear. Fear

doesn't always mean that you should not do something right like feel the fear and do it anyways and remember what you want and decide that it's okay to step into that fear. But number two, but also back to my point about changing your

reality and well I can't I have responsibilities. It's true. However,

responsibilities. It's true. However,

there are things that you can do to change your reality immediately, right now, today, tomorrow, whenever you want, that take so much less that do not hinge on a responsibility or on your

commitments to anything. And they can have much bigger outcomes than you would expect. For example, the email that I

expect. For example, the email that I was reading at the start quoted not feeling like even her home or her room or any of her external environments translate her true self. And I know that

feeling. It sucks when your room is just

feeling. It sucks when your room is just not you and you don't even get to dress the way you want to dress cuz you can't even afford your aesthetic and it's just like h you know and it's like you just kind of feel like nothing looks the way

you want it to look. Can you immediately get up and get out your lease and go rent somewhere cuter or in a city that you would prefer to be in? No. Can you

necessarily have an ideal home environment? No. Maybe you live with

environment? No. Maybe you live with roommates. Maybe you live with family.

roommates. Maybe you live with family.

Maybe that's not a good situation for you. Those things can all be true if you

you. Those things can all be true if you acknowledge them and you can still slightly change your reality. Begin to

change it. What do I mean by this? I

recently felt that my room was just devoid of all of me. I used to have this university room that I adored. It looked

exactly how I wanted my space to look. I

got so lucky. I decorated it nice and it just it to this day it's my favorite place that I favorite bedroom I've ever had. I'll put in a picture. I recently

had. I'll put in a picture. I recently

have just been thinking about that space a lot and how good I felt in it and I wanted to get back to that. So, what did I do? I went to the charity shop and I

I do? I went to the charity shop and I found this little metal rack and put in a picture and it I think it's a record holder. It's what I've been using it for

holder. It's what I've been using it for so that I could display my records in my room and now my room feels more like a space that reflects my vibe. And I also got a record player offerup which is a

website that I [ __ ] love. I think

it's only in America. I'm not sure.

basically like like Facebook Marketplace but just another platform for it and it's kind of like easier to use. Little

offer up ad. No, it isn't. But anyways,

anyways, and now my room reflects me so much more and it feels so much better being in there. I feel a bit more inspired. I feel just happier being in

inspired. I feel just happier being in there. And by the way, the rack, the

there. And by the way, the rack, the record holder rack cost me like 90. And

the record player that I got as well, I think it was like $15 and she gave it to me with this whole metal stand to for it to go on. It was great. I picked up from this girl and she was really nice

actually. It was a really nice

actually. It was a really nice interaction. So, I got a record. I got a

interaction. So, I got a record. I got a record rack and I got an entire stand and I got to meet a nice girl when I picked up the record. Like, it was a great great day for me. But specifically

the record rack, that was kind of where I started and it was 90. Like, it was so cheap and it did so much to inspire me

to make my spaces feel better for me to be in. And since then, I have acquired

be in. And since then, I have acquired some new house plants. I have acquired a few new records from the same charity shop to play in my room. And by the way, when I buy records, I buy random [ __ ]

ass records, all of which are like 20 cents at the charity shop, like 20p. And

I like covers, like clarinet, string covers, like strings, clarinet, saxophone type [ __ ] covers of big songs. There are so many of them at

songs. There are so many of them at thrift stores. And I put them on in the

thrift stores. And I put them on in the morning for my morning rituals when I wake up. And it just like sets this

wake up. And it just like sets this energy in my room which brings me back to myself. And then it ties in with like

to myself. And then it ties in with like now my room is more aesthetically me.

And I'm listening to new random saxophone covers of the Beatles, [ __ ] And I did all this for what, $5? Like

this is the best day ever. There are

things you can do immediately for extremely cheap to create a space that you do feel aligns more with what would be your eventual dream scenario. You can

get closer to these things immediately is my point. It doesn't have to be something big. You don't have to move

something big. You don't have to move across the country. You don't have to even start making moves toward moving across the country. You can do something immediately, something so small, something so easy that just already gets

you living in a slightly different reality. If your reality right now is

reality. If your reality right now is that you [ __ ] hate your room, it doesn't reflect you, I promise you, go hit a bunch of charity shops all in the same day. you'll find something to get

same day. you'll find something to get you a little bit closer to being in a room that does reflect you. But let's

talk about the bigger changes. Start

with what is your problem. What don't

you like that you want to improve about your life? Write that down. Then write

your life? Write that down. Then write

down exactly why you haven't done that.

And do not be dishonest with yourself.

Okay? So, for example, are you lazy?

Write that down. Do you fear that you're lazy? Write that down. Can you not be

lazy? Write that down. Can you not be bothered? Write that like, write that

bothered? Write that like, write that down. Are you scared of the idea that

down. Are you scared of the idea that you might fail? Write that down. And

then ask yourself why. So, okay, if your truth is that you just can't be bothered, ask yourself why. Are you lazy as a person and has this been a big issue for you your entire life? Or is

something making you feel like you just don't want to do it because it's just such a big feat? Why is it such a big feat then? Why is it such a huge task?

feat then? Why is it such a huge task?

Do you think that you're not capable? Or

are you worried that if you start and fail, you'll just feel worse about yourself? And this isn't even a truth

yourself? And this isn't even a truth that you want to find out. Write it

down. And then with every limiting belief that you discover about yourself, whether it's that you're lazy, whether it's that you're not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough,

write down every limiting belief, and then really dig into your brain. Okay?

Every mean thought, put it on paper, stare at it, and then challenge it and write the opposite. Even if you don't believe the opposite, this is just a challenge. Okay? For example, if what

challenge. Okay? For example, if what comes out in the fear part is that you're afraid to chase your dreams because you'd rather be lazy than know that you have failed or maybe that you're not good enough so on so on so

on. Write down the opposite. So the

on. Write down the opposite. So the

opposite might be I take risks because I trust that even rejection is redirection and then maybe I take risks because I always succeed at [ __ ] everything.

Okay? I do things that scare me because I believe the life I desire is worth discomfort. I am bound to succeed

discomfort. I am bound to succeed because I say I am. I succeed even when I am r-rooted. So my path will end in fulfillment no matter what route it takes. Even if that looks like rejection

takes. Even if that looks like rejection at the start, I'm confident. I'm on my own side. I fight for what I want. I

own side. I fight for what I want. I

will obtain the life I desire. Write

that next to everything you don't believe about yourself. Write that next to everything you already believe. You

know, like write the exact opposite. And

if you don't believe the good things that you write, it's okay. Just write

them. And do this as many times as you want. do it once and read over it every

want. do it once and read over it every day or do it every single day. Rewrite

them and you might notice that they change. You might notice that the

change. You might notice that the optimal part gets bigger and better and your dreams get bigger. You might notice that the fear starts to dwindle away because the more you write these things down, you really have to say, "Is this

true?" Like, if you write down that

true?" Like, if you write down that you're a pathetic loser every day, it's like maybe that's true the first day, maybe you believe it. But after the 50th time of writing that [ __ ] down, you might think, "Fuck, I don't even that's a bit mean. Like, that's a bit harsh."

sometimes seeing things on paper that normally just float around your brain.

Sometimes seeing the words on paper, it's like, "God, is that really what is that really what I think?" And if you make yourself write down the words, "I'm a [ __ ] pathetic loser who isn't talented enough to succeed." If you write that [ __ ] down every day for a month, at the end of that month, you

might, "Wow, that's a really persistent bad thought. I'm not okay with this.

bad thought. I'm not okay with this.

Like, this thought is bullying me and I don't want to write it again." And then you might start to change it. May maybe

change that belief because you realize just how bad it really is. remind

yourself of all these limiting beliefs all the time. And I know it sounds mean, but you should do it. And then you should consistently ask yourself, you should have to ask yourself, is this good enough for me? Have you come this far just to come this far? Like, this is

where you're going to stop that you [ __ ] hate yourself and that you're an untalented loser. Like, okay. I mean, if

untalented loser. Like, okay. I mean, if that's what you want, but it's not going to be what you want because it's going to sit with you differently when you can see it on paper and when you make yourself acknowledge it all the time.

You're going to start to think, "Yeah, no, I don't like that." And I also have dreams that I'm afraid to chase, even though I've already chased many. Many of

which I didn't even know I had. And I've

also lost my spark at times, even during living a life that truly feels like a dream to me. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and shouldn't be because that's actually really boring. Like think about Kylie Jenner. You know how Kylie

Kylie Jenner. You know how Kylie Jenner's always been like, I just feel like I wasn't born to be famous and like I feel like I would just be happier in a normal life. I think someone broke that

normal life. I think someone broke that down in a Tik Tok and was like, "All Kylie Jenner wants is like to yearn for something and desire something, but when you're born with everything and then you make a business and it earns you millions and [ __ ] billions." At such

a young age, as great as that is, and as in inspiring and fulfilling as she may be in her work life, everyone can acknowledge that if we had nothing to desire and yearn for, that half of life

would just feel [ __ ] pointless.

You should get things you want and you should live a life that feels good and comfortable and fulfilled. But to expect entirely to expect to ever reach a point

where you are just completely fulfilled, no, that's that's not it's not the goal.

Like yeah, you shouldn't be at a massive deficit of things you want, but to be entirely 1,000% fulfilled in every area of your life may not be the ultimate goal. I think that as humans, we're

goal. I think that as humans, we're designed to want more biologically, like designed and I don't know. Anyway, food

for thought. But nothing will be perfect. The same process that the girl

perfect. The same process that the girl who wrote this email is in right now is somewhat never ending, but it is evolving. If you can learn to enjoy

evolving. If you can learn to enjoy where you are right now, even without having what you want, it will serve you well. Because I still have to remind

well. Because I still have to remind myself to enjoy where I am at any given moment. Because like I said, this

moment. Because like I said, this feeling is never ending. And if you expect to get through this period and get something you want and then never feel that you're not where you want to

be again or that you're just failing again, that is unrealistic. And if you can start now learning to prepare yourself for this success, if you start

learning now, this is a process I'm going to experience many times over. And

it will never be a sign of failure.

It'll be a sign of wanting more and caring. And it's important to learn to

caring. And it's important to learn to live healthfully with this feeling now because it's not a fleeting feeling that will disappear when I finally get the thing that I want. It will be with me

forever and it is not a bad thing. I

just have to learn to use it tactfully and I have to learn to respect the feeling and because I I promise you the feeling probably will not go anywhere and it does not mean that you have never achieved anything that you wanted. It

just means that you are a driven person.

I genuinely think that. And by the way, I hear this same sentence come out of the mouths of everybody that I speak to about this stuff. Like even very famous people that I have conversations with,

me clout chasing, even these very famous people that I speak to all the time, these very very famous people. But most

of them attribute, if not all of them that I speak to in this way, attribute this quality to being successful. Like

this feeling of like I'm still not happy. I still want more. I still need

happy. I still want more. I still need to do a new project. I still need to expand in some way. like it just opposes complacency and being content. And by

the way, there are people in this life who are content with little. There are

people in this life who are content with much less. And I don't know if it's an

much less. And I don't know if it's an old soul thing or just like a not even an old soul, but like a repeat like they've done many lifetimes. This is the vibe I get from these people where it's like they don't have much and they like

it and they don't want more. They're

they're not fussed about traveling the world. They're not fussed about starting

world. They're not fussed about starting a new business. They're not fussed about X, Y, and Z. and they just have their little life and their house and their kids and they want a relationship and they have human earthly desires and

that's they're fulfilled and that's okay too. But if you have something in you

too. But if you have something in you that is not that way and wants more and has to see things and will not feel this stirring part of them is not going to quieten down until they are on these

bigger journeys and enacting on their bigger aspirations then that isn't a bad thing. These two kinds of people just al

thing. These two kinds of people just al they just both exist. And if you are one or the other is both of them are good.

But if you're the latter, if you want more, don't kid yourself into thinking that you're not supposed to. Do you know what? Do you know? And don't criticize

what? Do you know? And don't criticize people who aren't like that. Do you know what I mean? So, I mean, ultimately, if you're lazy and you don't want anything out of life, it's one of two things.

Either you're genuinely just happy where you are and you don't really want that much more and it will look like laziness, but it's not. It's just called laziness because of the capitalist society that we live in and whatnot.

Respect them. But that's one way laziness can go. Laziness, I'm just using that as the word, but realistically I think that they're just content. Or laziness is only a sign of

content. Or laziness is only a sign of not having courage, not having the ability, not knowing how to get what they want. And so they kind of just like

they want. And so they kind of just like throw their hands up in the air and they're like, well, I don't know. I

don't know. And now I'm just miserable and I'm not doing anything I want to do.

And so maybe I look lazy, but it's just because I'm unhappy. That's also drive.

And if you can learn to channel that into something more productive and use laziness or defeat or a sense of displeasure, discontentment with your

life, it's a sign that you're a very driven kind of person. And I think it can just go both ways. And I don't I don't think laziness is really ever a

bad sign of a person. Either you're fine with the life that you live and you be lazy. [ __ ] Like this is the life that

lazy. [ __ ] Like this is the life that you will be content with. There is

nothing wrong with that. Or it's just a sign that you are a driven kind of person, but something is missing in your equation that is going to make you there's a reason that you're not able to

take a step. You've got to find that reason. Do you know? You've got to find

reason. Do you know? You've got to find the blockage. Otherwise, you will live a

the blockage. Otherwise, you will live a life you're not happy with. Anyway, so

you can be in a room with someone more successful than you and think one of two ways, right? gh like I'm a failure. Look

ways, right? gh like I'm a failure. Look

where they are. I wish I was there. It

sucks I'm not. I guess I'm failing myself. Or you can think, "Wow, I think

myself. Or you can think, "Wow, I think they have something I would like to have. Oh my god, how great. I've just

have. Oh my god, how great. I've just

learned something about what I want.

Wow, maybe I should figure out my next step to getting closer to what I want.

Oh, maybe I can ask them a question about it, if that's even possible, you know?" Or maybe you see them through the

know?" Or maybe you see them through the phone. Maybe you see a celebrity that

phone. Maybe you see a celebrity that you like and you're like, "God, I want something that they have. I want their house or I want their mobility. I want

their financial freedom. I want their ability to just take a trip just because they [ __ ] felt like it. I want to be able to have a day off. I want to be able to have an assistant. I want, you know, whatever it might be. Whatever

small parts of their life reflect back on to you that you want. Think, wow,

I've just learned something that I want.

Don't get defeated. Just think, well, okay, I've learned something that I want. Maybe I can figure out why don't I

want. Maybe I can figure out why don't I have this thing? Did I even know that I want this thing? Maybe how can I take a step towards getting this thing? And

when it comes to losing your spark, I think it's very easy to lose your spark, especially if you're an aspirational person because a lot of parts of

everyday life will block you from doing the things that you want to do. And

especially when you're young, when you have to be at school and you have to maybe work, there's a lot of everyday life tasks that just kind of get in your [ __ ] way. And it can easily make you

lose your spark because things feel unattainable and things feel very difficult and maybe you don't even know the first step to getting what you want.

Maybe you don't even know what the [ __ ] you want. It's very easy to lose your

you want. It's very easy to lose your spark. But I believe that you can get it

spark. But I believe that you can get it back by starting to create movement.

Movement can mean in your physical life, but also in your energetic, emotional life. So one of the ways I find helpful

life. So one of the ways I find helpful is by immediately making a small change to your reality. So number one, you could make your room reflect you a little better. Like I said earlier, you

little better. Like I said earlier, you can go to the charity shop and find something that you like and put it in your room. Or you can go outside and

your room. Or you can go outside and just pick one flower that you like and you can put it on your bedside table. Or

you can go find an old magazine, steal it from a public toilet or go through your parents' [ __ ] Or maybe you have one kicking around in your room. Or

maybe you can just go [ __ ] steal one [ __ ] I don't know. Go find one and then cut something out from it and stick it up on your room like the kids used to in like the '90s. Or you can prop a book

up nicely on a surface and make a small little bookshelf. And maybe if you want

little bookshelf. And maybe if you want something to be like a bookholder, you could maybe go find rocks from outside and use those. Maybe you could remove your curtains if you've always had curtains in your room. Maybe you could,

if you still need curtains in your room, maybe you could find some yarn or find some ribbon and tie them up so that they look a bit different. Or maybe you could let them flow. If you usually tie your

curtains up, maybe untie them now. small

small changes to your space can signify movement of energy. It immediately

transfers some of the pent up I want change and put it back into reality rather than keeping it in your body and it turning into things like frustration and it signifies momentum and momentum

has to start at zero. Okay, all energy all movement it starts with something very very very small nothing and then the law of physics okay means it will

eventually move to one. Think of a car starting. Okay, a car doesn't go from

starting. Okay, a car doesn't go from zero to 100 miles an hour just magically. It goes from zero to 1 2 3 4

magically. It goes from zero to 1 2 3 4 5 and then incrementally up to 100. And

it can do that very quickly or it can do it very slowly, but it's going to go through each of those numbers. Whether

or not you see that happen on your speedometer, it's going to happen before you get to 100. And it will move like this incrementally for infinity. Not

your car maybe, but energy. Okay? It can

move at different speeds, but it's never going to skip a step. Okay? It's always

going to start at zero. And it's always going to need to get to one at some point. And one to five in terms of how

point. And one to five in terms of how this translates in momentum in your personal life, in your career, wherever you want this energy, this movement, 1 to 5 might take a year, but 5 to a,000

might happen in a week or 1 to 5 happens in a second. And then everything else, you just everything can flow at a different pace. And the best thing that

different pace. And the best thing that you can do is start. And you can start right now. Like literally right now. Is

right now. Like literally right now. Is

there a bush near your house? Go borrow

a leaf. Go borrow a flower. Go borrow a stone. Anything. Like I'm not kidding.

stone. Anything. Like I'm not kidding.

Anything. And be nice to yourself because the girl who wrote this in is 23. [ __ ] you're a toddler. Okay, we're

23. [ __ ] you're a toddler. Okay, we're

all toddlers. Like three is 23 is 3 years old in the adult world. And you

have all the time in the entire world.

The only person who thinks you're behind in life right now is you. I promise. So,

knock it off and make a little change and decide if you're on your own team or not. And everything you want can be

not. And everything you want can be yours if you answer yes. And your Spock will come back if you just give it a little tiny reason to. And I once also saw a Tik Tok and someone was saying that you can change your reality or your

timeline, I think was the word they use, but you can whatever you feel comfortable using, but whatever you feel comfortable calling it by. You can

change your reality by interrupting your narrative. And one of the ways that they

narrative. And one of the ways that they mentioned was to do something you just usually wouldn't do. For example, if you work every day a 9 to 5 and the job is something that stops you from having your dream career, but you just can't

quit cuz you've got [ __ ] bills to pay, you can still start to interrupt the narrative and the way that things play out and the reality that you live in. Okay? So, on your way to work, take

in. Okay? So, on your way to work, take a different route. Wake up earlier, sit in a cafe. On your way to work, just start singing out loud. Just be a [ __ ] freak. Stop at a corner store and ask the employee a weirdly personal

question. Buy something you would never

question. Buy something you would never buy at the grocery store. If you

normally buy an energy drink, I don't know. Buy a chocolate milkshake. Wear

know. Buy a chocolate milkshake. Wear

something that you think is really [ __ ] ugly. Wear a hat. If you never wear hats, sorry, wear a hat if you never wear hats. If you're not a hat person, if everyone's going to know that you're wearing a hat and normally you don't wear hats, wear a hat. Do anything

you can to change your reality just a tiny bit. And part of the reason that I

tiny bit. And part of the reason that I think that this specific idea is interesting is because I think where a lot of people get caught up where I am also guilty of getting caught up is that the path to the dream that

you have for yourself, your dream life is not going to be linear. For example,

if your wildest dream that you're scared to even write down on paper cuz you're embarrassed of it or you think it's impossible. If your wildest dream is to

impossible. If your wildest dream is to be a pop star, okay, the first step is not necessarily learning to write a song, writing a song or releasing a song. It's not necessarily talking to

song. It's not necessarily talking to someone at a label or getting a getting signed as an artist or making an artist friend who could. It's not the thing that you might think it is. Okay? And

it's not to say that those are steps that might have to happen on the process at some point in time. But when you think of things in such a linear way, it can actually just do more harm than good. I'm going to give an example

good. I'm going to give an example because I often think of my life as having like a before and after. Before

social media and after social media or like now, my reality now, okay? And one

of the moments I think about a lot was and the reason that I think about this is because when CO was happening, I was going through a really horrible breakup and it was CO and I was at university.

So it was a nightmare and I was isolated from my family and I had to spend a lot of time reeling over this breakup and just alone with my thoughts in general.

I had nothing to distract me. The bars

weren't open, the shops weren't open, nothing was [ __ ] open. My university

was online like it was miserable. And I

was alone in this house in Canterbury, literally like going stir crazy. Got

great grades that year, but like I was very unhappy anyway. And at the time, my circumstances felt like they might be doing more harm than good. Like I was like, do I need to be this alone with my

thoughts? Do I need to be diving this

thoughts? Do I need to be diving this deep into how I feel every day? Do I

need to be so isolated? Like this is just like feels like overkill. Like

maybe I could help myself a bit more, you know, kind of thing. But what all this is isolation led me to do was become really obsessed with my appearance. Like really [ __ ] obsessed

appearance. Like really [ __ ] obsessed with my appearance because I didn't have any money and I was just very like bored. And so you know that feeling of

bored. And so you know that feeling of when you have a package coming and it gives you something to live for? Well, I

couldn't really afford packages. But

what I could do is ideulate about who I wanted to become and how I wanted to look because that was something that felt slightly within my control. And so

I started to Pinterest a lot. And I was so keen for the charity shops to reopen and for co to be done because I was like, I need to buy these outfits that I have Pinterest boarded. And I remember I got really obsessed with Thread Up at

the time, which I'm still obsessed with Thread Up to this day, but they didn't even ship to the UK. I remember writing them an email about it being like, "Can you please expand your shipping to England because the charity shops are shut and I really want to buy stuff and like they actually have great prices."

not a thread up advert, but my point is is it led me to become very focused on things I wanted because it gave me a something to live for. This like idyllic version of myself that I could live for.

Then when the charity shops opened up again, I obviously went to them very frequently and one of the things I became obsessed with was fur hats and gloves. Was it my best fashion move?

gloves. Was it my best fashion move?

Absolutely [ __ ] not. However, I was very into them and it kind of filled up my heart all this fur hats and fur gloves nonsense and I would look on

Pinterest and see these pictures of these girls that I wanted to be like and see the style that I wanted to acquire.

And I would literally do it every night and I'll go to sleep excited for the morning to start to wake up in a new day when the charity shops would be open.

And I would literally be so excited going to bed because I could wake up in the morning and go look for another hat at the charity shop. And like listen, was it a hellish time in my life?

Absolutely. But it was so valuable. Now,

why was it so valuable? Because

somewhere in my madness, I started to feel quite pretty. And this was because I looked at myself more in the mirror than I ever had before. And I had never thought that I was pretty in my life. I

had never felt pretty before in my life.

I'd actually just never been concerned with my physical appearance because it was kind of something I wrote off quite early on in my life about it. Just

wasn't part of my conscious thinking of was how I looked. And when I did think about how I looked, it really just went as far as do I look presentable, not do I look nice. And for the first time

ever, I was staring at myself so often because I had nothing else in my life that was felt within my power to change.

I knew I had to be at university for another year or two. I knew I had to do well in my exams. And the only thing that was exciting that was also within my power was how cute I looked or if I could do my makeup in a fun way or if I

could wear a [ __ ] furry hat. And so I started to feel pretty because otherwise none of this was going to be any fun.

And it was something I had never never felt before. And then I looked back at

felt before. And then I looked back at my life until that point and realized I'd never dressed nicely and never cared about how I looked. And it started to feel wasteful because I started to believe that I was actually quite

pretty. And I was like, "Huh, I've

pretty. And I was like, "Huh, I've wasted like what, 18, 19 years up until this point just dressing like [ __ ] and never taking care of my face." And I remember saying to myself one night that

that was done and I was going to shop at different shops now and I was going to take advantage of this new feeling of being pretty because I hated that I'd wasted time not thinking there was any point dressing nicely because I was just

ugly anyways. And in that moment, I

ugly anyways. And in that moment, I think my love for fashion truly bloomed.

And with that kind of emerged a willingness to post myself online because suddenly I no longer despised my own face. And with this new weird

own face. And with this new weird confidence that I had that my fur hat obsession had ultimately led to, I started to [ __ ] around and post some Tik Toks mostly because I had a crush on this other creator and I wanted her to

notice me so that we could fall in love.

And for the first time ever, I thought, well, I might be worth a shot here actually to be fair. And that little tiny belief led to an entire career. An

entirely new life formed for me. And it

all started with a bad breakup and a phase of severe isolation and an obsession with fur hats and fur gloves.

And a year prior to that, I never would have worn a fur hat. And I never would have posted on Tik Tok and I never would have called myself pretty. And so you can see how one small change in your reality, one shift, one new accessory,

one new place to frequent, like my thrift stores and the coffee stores I also started going to when they opened up can spiral into new beginnings. And

it might seem very small at the time. In

fact, it might even seem like a bad survival tactic that you know that you're employing that's not entirely financially helpful and also just like kind of stupid. And if you'd asked me back then if my obsession with thrifted

outfits and hats would spiral into a career that lets me go to Paris Fashion Week every year with brands like Louis Vuitton and Dior, I would have said no.

I would have said that to do something that big like go to Paris Fashion Week, you would need to do something bigger and know more than I know and take a different route, one that is not something that I would know about and I

would say I don't know how people get there and it certainly is not an obsession with fur hats and fur gloves.

I would have said it's for someone who is nothing like me, someone who knows things I don't know, who know I don't I don't even know how to find those things out and it was not a concern of mine. I

wasn't thinking about Paris Fashion Week. I would have said that it's for

Week. I would have said that it's for someone nothing like me and I would have been so wrong. And sometimes it is a very good thing to not know. If I knew what journey I was actually embarking

on, I would have had a panic attack and I would have named all of the ways that I'm not right for this and why it wouldn't work and why it was impossible and so on. and I would have seen the hill that I was about to climb and I

would have said, "I can't do that. I

don't know about this hill." But I didn't know. So, I just wore my hats and

didn't know. So, I just wore my hats and spent time alone in my room. And not

knowing and just doing random [ __ ] in a sea of uncertainty got me exactly what I actually wanted, even though I didn't even know what I wanted. And if you'd have asked me to have all of the courage and all of the knowledge to get to the

dream life that I so wanted, I would have told you this is insane and this is impossible and I know nothing about this. And so sometimes it truly is best

this. And so sometimes it truly is best to just let go of the narrative of the way that you think things have to play out, the things that you think you have to do to get to where you want and just enjoy where you are right now. Lean into

these weird things. Change your reality.

Wear an ugly [ __ ] hat. And the

nonlinear manner of it all might actually be the exact perfect path to get you somewhere that you need. And

there's also another idea that I'm going to throw at you now, which is something that I've struggled with, but recently kind of really gotten more into, which is the idea that when you're manifesting

and when you're writing down the things that you want, especially in a more manifesty kind of way, if you're doing affirmations and things like that, that sometimes you get very caught up in the

specific things that you want. And that

may be a better way to to go about things can actually be to write down how you want to feel because sometimes what you think that you want is not what you want. If you'd have asked me at the end

want. If you'd have asked me at the end of my university experience when I was starting to do Tik Tok what I want to manifest exactly, I probably wouldn't have written any of this and I would probably have written a really really

good job in forensic linguistics because that was what I thought I wanted at the time. And as much as maybe that would

time. And as much as maybe that would have brought me joy, would I take this life probably over that? Yes. And that's

not to say that I'm not very much planning to go and indulge in a degree in forensic linguistics when I'm 50. I

absolutely am if I'm lucky enough to live till 50. I can't wait to one day take pleasure in going back to school and and learning about the things that I wanted to learn about that I ended up

not learning about because something better presented itself, something more fun, more exciting that offered me more travel and more introduction to the world than maybe forensic linguistics

did. And I wouldn't have known that this

did. And I wouldn't have known that this was my dream. I never knew this was my dream. This is not what I set out to do.

dream. This is not what I set out to do.

And I'm so happy every single day because I get to do all of this. And so

sometimes the best thing to ask of yourself and of the universe is that you want to feel happy and fulfilled and do you want to feel excited? Do you want to feel that your work is always opening

new doors for you? Do you want to feel like you're learning things that you didn't even know were out there to learn? Those are the things that maybe

learn? Those are the things that maybe are better to aspire to rather than this very specific rather than the specific goals that we set out for ourselves.

Because number one, focusing so hard on an end goal means that you might miss real opportunity when it arises because it doesn't always look the way you think it's going to look. If I even back then

thought I want to be a influencer, would I have thought that becoming obsessed with ugly hats would be the way to go?

Well, probably not. I probably would have discouraged myself from my hat obsession and that would have been a detriment to myself. You know, like sometimes you have to just let go of what you think the process is supposed

to look like and learn to find joy in the everyday and learn to really hone in on what you want, which is maybe maybe the exact career path that you're planning on. Or maybe it's just the

planning on. Or maybe it's just the feeling of independence and freedom and financial freedom and and ease of family relationships because they're not taxed anymore by things by money. Those are

the bigger overarching goals that kind of allow your life to take its own unique form and its own unique shape without feeling like you're so limited to being in the wrong place right now because you think that you should be

somewhere else. No, you're in the right

somewhere else. No, you're in the right place. I promise you, you just have to

place. I promise you, you just have to learn to harness your fear and your doubt and your quote unquote laziness and your quotequote failure and learn

that they are direction and that they are passion. And every emotion you feel

are passion. And every emotion you feel is just energy. And you can always turn it into something a little bit more productive. If you feel fear, you can

productive. If you feel fear, you can turn that into motivation. Even if it's anxious motivation, you can turn it into there are so many ways that you can flip little things in your reality. And it

doesn't mean that you can entirely change your circumstances to be better, less painful, less stressful. No. No.

And no one should tell you that they can because it's [ __ ] rude. Like you

can't. But there are small things that you can do that slowly will build on themselves and that can make right now more enjoyable and get you closer to the life that you want to live. And it

doesn't have to be difficult. It doesn't

have to cost you any money. And a lot of this [ __ ] is energetic. A lot of it. And

if you can do something small today to change your energy to be more powerful, even if that is by doing something painful, which is by acknowledging that you don't think that you're good enough,

that's power. Because now you know it.

that's power. Because now you know it.

Okay. Well, that doesn't have any power over me if I don't want it to. I know I believe this. It doesn't mean it's true.

believe this. It doesn't mean it's true.

You understand what I'm saying? So, that

is my podcast episode for this week. And

it's it's it's this everything I've said in this podcast episode is is things I've been actively kind of dancing with for the last I'd say 3 years of my life,

four years, 5 years even of my life. And

I continue to. And this whole kind of like concept, idea, skill set is, I think, something that can last forever and probably a lifetime. And it just evolves and it changes. It's not step

number one. It's like step number one.

number one. It's like step number one.

Yeah, sure. But it's step one, number one that's never going to end. You just

add step number two, which is implementing real change into your life, for example. Anyway, anyway. Oh, my hair

for example. Anyway, anyway. Oh, my hair looks way cute like this. I should have done like that the whole time. God damn.

Oh my god, I really need to pee. Anyway,

do I have anything else I want to yap about this week? No, I've only watched Virgin Suicides. Kind of wish I didn't.

Virgin Suicides. Kind of wish I didn't.

Kind of disturbed me. TBH. What else? I

think that's it. Must have a life update for you. Must have. My skin's kind of

for you. Must have. My skin's kind of clearing up, which is nice. I am wearing makeup right now, though. That's it for this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome.

I love you guys literally so much. And

see you same time, same place next week.

We're back on the ball, [ __ ] Okay, I love you guys. See you soon. You get two kisses this week, aren't you? Lucky.

Okay, bye. Love you. Bye.

[Music]