How to Pick Your Life Partner (Full Episode)

What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy.

>> Welcome, back, to, Call, Her, Daddy., The

guest this week is you, Daddy Gang. You

are the guest and I am interviewing you.

I want to have a very honest conversation today to explore one of the biggest decisions

that you will ever make in your life which is who you choose as your life partner. Now, before I move forward, I

partner. Now, before I move forward, I just obviously need to clarify. I am not saying that finding a partner or a husband should be the sole purpose of

your life. We are all so much more than

your life. We are all so much more than that obviously and there are people listening I acknowledge today who may not even be interested in that and may not want that and that is perfectly

okay.

What I want to talk about today though is if you are someone who wants a monogous relationship andor wants to get married,

then the decision of who you choose as your life partner is so important because the effect that it has on your

mental health and just your overall well-being, right? It can impact every

well-being, right? It can impact every single aspect of your life.

So today we are gonna get really deep and I just want to pose some questions to you that can hopefully get you thinking about things that maybe you've

never considered before or maybe have been avoiding.

So now let's rewind for a second to give you all context of like why this is on my mind is because my parents recently

just celebrated 40 years of marriage together and my family and I went out and we celebrated. We went to a dinner and there were a lot of happy tears because the night turned into me and my

siblings asking my parents, "How have you guys done it? How have you made it work? How are you still so in love? And

work? How are you still so in love? And

truly the wisdom and advice that my parents were sharing, I literally left that night being like, "Oh my god, I wish I could have recorded that and just uploaded that to the podcast for you

guys." Because not only does everyone

guys." Because not only does everyone deserve that type of love, but the first step is knowing what to look for and the

standards that you should set for yourself.

So, I ended up writing a bunch of stuff down and then after that I continued to reach out to other couples who I look up to, who I respect and who I know have

put in the work. And so, that is what this episode is. It is going to be a conglomeration of all of that wisdom broken down into hopefully a very

tangible conversation that helps you evaluate what you want out of life.

Because whether you're single and you're searching for your person, you're in a relationship wondering if he or she is the right one, or maybe you're already

married and sometimes quietly asking yourself, did I choose the right person?

Regardless of where you're at, I think there is something in this episode for everyone. So, Daddy gang, let's get into

everyone. So, Daddy gang, let's get into it. Support for Caller Daddy comes from

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So, here we go. The question of the day is, how do you know? How do you know what you should be looking for when you're dating to marry or you're just

dating, right, to find your life partner?

And also listen, I recognize everyone who is tuning in today and watching this like you are an individual coming from different backgrounds and you have

different perspectives and beliefs as the other listeners. So like what you want in a relationship may not be the same as your friend or the same as me.

And that is okay. As long as you're able to decipher what is important to you that's all that matters today. So

one of the biggest things when I was at this dinner with my parents that they kept going back to was the foundation of their relationship.

And its success was really built upon the alignment they had when it came to their core

values.

And they emphasized they're in love with each other. Of

course, they're attracted to each other but that's the easy part. When things

get hard, love can only get you so far.

If you fundamentally view and approach life differently there's not much you can do, right? So

guys, I took notes. Okay

I want to talk about like I feel like you always hear like values. Do you have the same values? Like do you value the same things? And you're like, yeah

same things? And you're like, yeah yeah, yeah. But it's like what actually

yeah, yeah. But it's like what actually are core life values? Like what does that even mean? that is your view on

kids finances family religion politics, and sex.

So, I think we should start with one of the easiest ones. Um, let's start with kids.

easiest ones. Um, let's start with kids.

You're like, "What? No, no, no." Yeah

yeah, yeah. Start with kids. Okay.

Talking about kids in your relationship is way more than just like, "Oh, yeah. I

think it'd be nice to have them one day.

Like in order to actually know if you're aligned, you do need to go deeper. So

yes, obviously the conversation can be start with like the literally do you want kids? And if they do, and you do

want kids? And if they do, and you do you have to keep going. How many kids would they ideally want? That's still

easy, right? Like do they envision having a small or a large family?

And then when do you want them? And what

is your ideal age to to start trying for a baby? Do you want to be married for a

a baby? Do you want to be married for a few years first? Is there like a specific career milestone that you want to hit before you start building a family?

I had shared with you guys this past year that my timeline around having children changed. So, I'm not saying

children changed. So, I'm not saying that these decisions need to be 100% set in stone, but it is important to make sure that you're at least in the same

ballpark as each other and that you can both find common ground on what it is you want and what you see for yourselves.

For example, if one partner thinks that they want to have two children and the other one wants to have four, that's much easier to compromise on than if one partner wants nothing more than to be a

parent and the other one doesn't even want kids at all. Right?

And trust me trying to change your partner's mind on this large of a core value is not only going to be really difficult, but it can

be borderline problematic.

One of my friends who I spoke to before this episode had a previous marriage that didn't work out for this exact reason. leading up to getting married

reason. leading up to getting married they were having conversations about kids, and she knew 100% that she wanted them. And he was really honest and open

them. And he was really honest and open that because of his difficult childhood he didn't think that he really wanted kids. And she went into the marriage

kids. And she went into the marriage thinking that he would change his mind once he got older and they were actually married.

And guess what?

That didn't happen. And so they had a really heartbreaking divorce because although there was so much love there and they were in love she wanted to start a family.

And when she was reflecting back and talking to me about it, she acknowledges that she saw what she wanted to see. She

realized that she swept a really big issue under the rug because she convinced herself that like, "No, no no. He'll change his mind. He'll change

no. He'll change his mind. He'll change

his mind."

Here's my take. People can obviously change their mind and evolve regarding you know, what they want out of life.

And I actually think that's one of the most beautiful aspects of being a human being. And it's like when you do

being. And it's like when you do eventually change your view on something, that's awesome. That's great.

But when someone is telling you where they stand, you have to listen and you have to take it seriously, Daddy Gang.

Cuz let's say she was somehow able to convince him, right? Maybe she got him to be like, "Yeah, yeah, like maybe I'll Yeah, maybe I will." Yeah, like or like maybe. Okay. It's so unhealthy when

maybe. Okay. It's so unhealthy when someone changes their mind about something this large solely to appease their partner.

That is going to cause such issues down the road. And I know it can be extremely

the road. And I know it can be extremely difficult when you are in love with someone and it it just feels like you're not aligned on that one aspect of life, right? It's

just that one thing. thing if we could just fix that one thing cuz everything else is great. Trust me, it will do more damage than good. It's just a band-aid.

So, my advice with kids is like listen to what your partner is telling you when it comes to this value, right? Another

thing about kids that I think people really don't talk about and my mom was talking to me about this is like what happens when you struggle to have them?

Obviously, having children looks different for everyone and can be really, really difficult or even impossible for some women. So, ladies

watching this, you should be asking your partner before you decide to sign up for a life with them, hey, if we struggled to get pregnant, hypothetically, like

how would you cope with that?

Would they be open to IVF? Would they

ever consider adoption? And I also fully understand when you first start having these conversations, right? You're like

conversations, right? You're like you're in progress of trying to figure out is this your life partner? You're

dating for a while. Maybe you've moved in. Like, I get that when you're

in. Like, I get that when you're broaching this topic, especially with kids. This may not be something that

kids. This may not be something that he's thought about before, but you can catch a vibe. If you ask him his thoughts on kids and he is constantly swerving the conversation or somehow

making it more about him than you please, for the love of God, listen to your gut.

I'm going to move on from kids in a second cuz I also recognize there's a lot of people that may not want kids.

But lastly, on this one specific topic I will say we're still talking kind of about the easy part, right? You're fantasizing and dreaming about the life you'll hopefully

have. Oh my god, this is so fun. How

have. Oh my god, this is so fun. How

many kids do you want? Wait, how many kids do you want? And oh my god, if everything works out and it's super easy to conceive and we have this like what are their names? But then what happens after you have kids, right? Does your

partner expect you to stay home with the kids all day? And how do you feel about that? How will you divide up the child

that? How will you divide up the child care responsibilities with your partner?

And like guys, I know again these questions that I'm asking you like you may not be able to get the exact firm answers to, especially the first

time that you bring them up, but even I would almost urge you just start within yourself. What do you think your

yourself. What do you think your partner's answer will be to all these questions?

I truly believe that more than half the time you actually know exactly what their answer will be. Because when

you're in a relationship with someone you learn their morals and their values.

You know how they treat you. You watch

how they treat other people in their life and in the world. Most of the time the answer is right in front of you. So

you have to stop avoiding it because that is about to be your reality and your life.

Okay, let's keep going because I feel like you cannot talk about kids seriously without talking seriously about money.

Money, honey. Okay. When you are looking to build a life with someone, you need to be aware of your partner's finances.

Full stop. You need to know how much your partner makes in a year, what their financial commitments like rent or loans are, and what their overall financial goals are. Cuz if you're merging your

goals are. Cuz if you're merging your life with someone, you are most likely going to be merging your finances in some capacity with them.

Now, I want to be so clear. I am not saying that in order for someone to be the one, you need to be making bank.

They need to be making bank and all this money. What I'm saying is that you need

money. What I'm saying is that you need to be aware of the financial situation that you're signing up for with your partner so that you can make sure you are both aligned.

Do you want a joint bank account? Do you

not? How are you at budgeting? Do you

want a prenup? What lifestyle costs are essential to you? What are your financial priorities? I totally

financial priorities? I totally understand that comparing your 401ks isn't exactly the hottest conversation but are you aligned on the way that you are approaching savings or investing? Do

each of you have a 401k? Do you know what this person's credit score is? Does

he even know h where to find his credit score?

You don't want to be the person who shortly after getting married realizes that her husband is $90,000 in credit card debt and you had no idea. and now

it's somewhat your responsibility.

I think it's really important to have an open discussion with your partner about your career goals and your ambitions.

What about, you know, work life balance?

It's the classic saying like, do you live to work or do you work to live?

There is no right answer. There's a

right answer for you and your partner.

But I can tell you right now, it's definitely going to affect your relationship, whatever that answer is.

And if you're on different pages and you never discuss it, it's going to heavily impact your dynamic.

Matt and I are both workaholics right now and his drive is one of the things that I find really, really attractive about him and we definitely prioritize

our careers in certain moments. And we

both had previous relationships where that was a pain point and our partners resented that we didn't make them feel prioritized.

But it is something that really works for Matt and I and we are aligned on. So

my final thought is just there should be no secrecy when it comes to finances in your relationship. If one

person is more of the bread winner, it should not give them more power and the right to withhold information from you if you are in a committed partnership.

Okay. So we have kids, we have career and finances. Guys, we're crushing. This

and finances. Guys, we're crushing. This

is like easy. Okay. Um, but don't get too comfortable because this next one may truly be the trickiest of them all.

Um, let's talk about family.

His family, her family, your family.

Family. Oh, family. Right around the holiday season, too. This is perfect.

Family is a really tough one because a lot of it comes down to priorities and boundary setting and navigating dynamics

that existed way before you came into the picture. And you can get a sense of

the picture. And you can get a sense of this early into dating, right? The more

you spend time with your partner and their family or don't spend time, you're going to begin to understand the dynamic, the role that your partner

plays in their family and how their family treats them and you guys, every single family has baggage.

There is no way around it. But my

question is like, are you and your partner align on how you handle it? I

remember a guy that I was seriously dating had a very very unhealthy relationship with his parents and I don't know like at first glance in the

early days of dating. I didn't really think much of it because he would lightly talk about it with me and I was there for him and sometimes it was

honestly just like a bonding moment for the two of us and whose family isn't a little [ __ ] up, right?

But then once our relationship started to get more serious and I was starting to become an actual more permanent factor in now this family dynamic spending holidays together, right? Like

going on family trips or whatever, I started to feel the extraordinarily unhealthy lack of boundaries that I was

now being pulled into. And it quickly dawned on me how this would impact the rest of my life and if I did choose to

spend it with him. And I need to emphasize that the reason that I became acutely aware of how negative of an impact it would have on me was not

because of the inappropriate behavior from my potential in-laws. Like that is literally going to be every [ __ ] family. I feel like everyone's going to

family. I feel like everyone's going to have a weird one with their in-laws.

That is a classic. But it was the way that my partner handled the mistreatment and the boundary crossing that made me realize he

was never going to protect our relationship or me when things got unhealthy with his family because I would bring it up

and then I would bring it up again. And

I want to be really clear. I have so much compassion and understanding and experience with unhealthy families.

I get you don't get to pick your family and sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world to break these patterns that

have been there since day one.

But this wasn't that. It quickly became him and his family versus me. So often

that I would feel alienated. I was

publicly being disrespected and my partner never made any attempt to validate me, to comfort me, or to change anything.

He just fell immediately back into who he was as a little boy in that house with his parents.

It was kind of, you know, like he was just kind of like, this is the way things are and they're not changing. He

had no interest in therapy. And so for me, I was like, "This is there's no way this is going to ever work."

And I know it's really, really hard, but Daddy Gang, this is something that you have to consider.

Is your partner honestly interested in breaking unhealthy patterns that yes may be transgenerational in his family but he's willing to do the work. Doesn't

mean it's going to be quick. Doesn't

mean it's going to be easy. This could

most likely this is going to be for the rest of your life, right? Like you're

marrying his family. Everyone's family's

[ __ ] up. Are they willing though, your partner, to do the work to protect your relationship and protect both both of you individually and as a couple?

I'm not here to judge anyone on the threshold of what you are capable of personally handling,

but I'm just asking these questions Daddy Gang, of like talking openly about your family dynamics and past issues is so so so

important when you're building a strong foundation as a couple. You're building

a partnership.

I get that family is special and sacred and also so complicated, but if your needs are constantly being put second to

their family's drama it's going to take a toll on you. And

you have to make sure that you are aligned with your partner on boundaries when it comes to family and what you are both willing and not willing to put up with.

I know that's a really tough one because I just feel like everyone it's so it's so hard because it's it it it takes a second to broach the topic with your partner because they can be defensive cuz then you compare like

whose family is more [ __ ] up. I get

it. But as you continue to watch patterns with your partner, are they essentially just abandoning you in these moments and you're left to be like "Wait, wait. When we're home, it's

"Wait, wait. When we're home, it's completely different than when we're here. I like completely lose you. What's

here. I like completely lose you. What's

going on?

That's the [ __ ] you have to start to look out for.

Okay, Daddy King, we are like kind of almost out of the trenches. Um, we've

had a lot of the big conversations. The

next one is a little I'm going to keep this short. Okay, but the next one is

this short. Okay, but the next one is Yeah, this isn't this is a little bit of a doozy. Okay. Um, the next one is

a doozy. Okay. Um, the next one is religion. Guys, how fun is this episode?

religion. Guys, how fun is this episode?

There is nothing sexier than falling in love. That's the easiest [ __ ] part of

love. That's the easiest [ __ ] part of being in this life, you guys. Falling in

love. Oh, [ __ ] me. So fun. It's this

[ __ ] that then you're like, "This is why [ __ ] doesn't last." Cuz not a lot of people go through these [ __ ] items and actually make sure, are you aligned?

So, here we go. Religion. Woo. Um, okay.

Some of you may know, I was raised Catholic and Matt is Jewish. And before

we got engaged, we had a lot of conversations, a lot a lot of conversations about the role that religion would play in our marriage. How

would religion factor into our wedding ceremony? What holidays and traditions

ceremony? What holidays and traditions would we honor together? How do we want to raise our children? And I cannot imagine

being married to Matt today without having had all those really detailed intimate conversations especially as we are thinking about having kids.

Religion and faith is so deeply personal and it's so important that you know where you guys stand before committing to a life together.

Um, I will never forget It was the first guy that I was like truly truly in love with. And at the

time, he was probably the first person I was like, "Okay, I actually think I could like see a future with this person." And I remember I was visiting

person." And I remember I was visiting him in his hometown and we were driving home from a dinner and somehow the topic of kids came up and it was like exciting

and fun and just like, you know how you do it? you just kind of like romanticize

do it? you just kind of like romanticize and you have fun and you think about it.

And at first everything was like pretty aligned. We both agreed on how many kids

aligned. We both agreed on how many kids we would want. We started going through just kind of everything that I mentioned in this episode so far. Like, oh my gosh, like what would you want to name

them? And like if you were working, what

them? And like if you were working, what would I be doing and how would we handle that and blah blah like we were really aligned.

And then somehow religion came up in relation to how we would want to raise kids.

And again, before I say this, I just want to be clear. I do not judge anyone's religious beliefs.

What he shared with me deeply went against my personal beliefs and what I want to instill in my children and raising my children.

And in that moment, like we couldn't have been less aligned. And I could tell he didn't really think it was a big deal,

but I knew it was just something I was like, "Oh my god, I don't think I'm I don't think I'm going to be able to get over this." And I definitely like

over this." And I definitely like pressed him a little bit and kept asking him like, "Well, would you be open?" And

it was just like flat out no. Kind of

like I said earlier with the woman with the kids thing. And he was saying no.

And I had to I kind of had a pit in my stomach the rest of that trip with him because I was like the love is there, the sex is

there, the like lifestyle concepts, and then this was the one thing that I was like, "Oh my god, I can't I don't think

I could look past this." And so, yes, it can be awkward early days to talk about religion. You're like at a [ __ ] like

religion. You're like at a [ __ ] like hot sexy restaurant. Your tits are pushed up. You're looking hot. It's date

pushed up. You're looking hot. It's date

night. And you're like, "So, let's talk religion." It's like, "No, I get it.

religion." It's like, "No, I get it.

It's not sexy, but it is not something that you should put on the back burner and leave until after marriage to figure out."

out." And this kind of wraps into politics.

You're like, I have to go take a lap around my neighborhood. I feel like I'm in a [ __ ] history lesson class, Alex.

Trust me, I'm Listen, I know it may not be technically fun, but it's kind of fun. Come on, it's kind of fun. Um

fun. Come on, it's kind of fun. Um

politics.

I get these are really sensitive topics and you do have to like you have to have these conversations at some point. You

don't have to have the exact point bypoint beliefs as your partner, but you have to, I truly believe, have some sort of alignment and respect for where the

other person stands, right? Like, I will leave politics to you guys. You don't

need me to weigh in on that one. But

like, I guess I would just say I do think it's important as a woman to know, does he support women having equal rights to men? And does he support women having

men? And does he support women having rights to their own body?

Does he believe women should have autonomy over making decisions about their own bodies? Just throwing it out there. Good to know as a woman. You know

there. Good to know as a woman. You know

what I mean? Um, it's so sad that these are the things that we need to be asking nowadays, but this is the reality that we're in. So, you catch my [ __ ]

we're in. So, you catch my [ __ ] drift. Um, okay. We're swerving.

drift. Um, okay. We're swerving.

Let's talk about sex, guys. See, I told you this is going to get fun. Um

here's the truth. We all know this at this point. Attraction can fade and your

this point. Attraction can fade and your sex drive will obviously fluctuate, but where do you guys stand on just baseline expectations?

Do you both agree that you should both be having orgasms, not just him? What a

concept. Are they willing to put in the work to make sure you're actually getting pleasure from sex? Are you

aligned with how you talk about sex and the role of sex and what it plays in your relationship? Do you feel like it's

your relationship? Do you feel like it's an open conversation that you can safely share your wants and your needs with your partner? The end of the day, every

your partner? The end of the day, every relationship puts a different emphasis on sex. Some people want it, some people

on sex. Some people want it, some people don't want it as much. Some people have this habit. Everyone has a different

this habit. Everyone has a different thing. That is up for you and your

thing. That is up for you and your partner to decide. But I really recommend making sure that you feel comfortable having open communication about what you want when it comes to

this. And have these conversations

this. And have these conversations before you're committing your life to someone because your sex life matters.

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core values. Check. Check. Check. We are

literally thriving. Okay. Um we may have lost I realized some soldiers along the way. Maybe you maybe you paused this and

way. Maybe you maybe you paused this and you went and dumped your boyfriend um because of you know you realized, oh I've had these conversations and he's given me nothing. He's given me nothing.

He's shown his true colors. I really

love that for you. I love when someone pauses an episode of Color Daddy and just completely breaks up with their boyfriend. That is that's being

boyfriend. That is that's being efficient, babe. Okay. Um

efficient, babe. Okay. Um

but I want to go back to my parents for a second because hearing my parents talk about the foundation that they built before even getting married and then

continued to build upon, it was just really helpful in understanding what it actually takes to maintain and grow a healthy 40year marriage.

And something that my mom also emphasized is that you can be aligned on all of this.

All of this. Oh, check. Religion. Boom.

Politics. Boom. Sex. Boom. Family. Well

family's [ __ ] crazy, but boom, boom boom, boom, boom, boom. Checking it left and right. Boom. Boom. Boom.

and right. Boom. Boom. Boom.

But then life happens, [ __ ] Okay. And

life is beyond unpredictable and you truly never know what it's going to throw at you, okay? Stress, change

loss, parenthood, financial pressures identity shifts, life is going to test us. But there is no denying that having

us. But there is no denying that having a partner who you can trust and you respect and they respect you to go through the bad times with, it makes it

a hell of a lot easier than going through it alone.

Which brings me to my next point.

How does your partner handle hard moments? When stressful or traumatic

moments? When stressful or traumatic situations happen, obviously we all respond differently. You don't have to

respond differently. You don't have to have the same response as your partner but you do want to pay attention to how

they're able to cope with and handle these type of situations, right? Like

is your partner able to stay present and get through a hard time or are they immediately emotionally withdrawing and disappearing and shutting down in tough times? Do you still feel safe and secure

times? Do you still feel safe and secure with your partner?

Do you feel like the two of you are going to be able to work together to figure out a way through it? Do you feel supported? If you're sitting here

supported? If you're sitting here reflecting on a tough moment that you and your partner have been through and you're sitting there and you're kind of thinking like

"Okay, wait, Alex. Um, no. I actually

felt really isolated or scared or like I was the one taking on all of the burden while they were completely checked out.

Then really think about if this dynamic will work for you long term.

Look, when life throws something horrible at you, I understand there is no rulebook on how to handle it perfectly. And honestly, in those type

perfectly. And honestly, in those type of situations, people are going to need a lot of grace. A lot of times, we're dealing with things for the first time.

But overall, you just need to have trust in your partner that when you are faced with any form of adversity, this person is not going to run away.

They're going to stand next to you and weather the storm.

Okay?

Picture this, Daddy Gang. You get a phone call. You find out your mom has

phone call. You find out your mom has had a health emergency and she's being rushed to the hospital right now. God

forbid. Let's knock on wood. Okay? You

are working. Your partner is working.

Your dog's at daycare. You got, you know, a friend's birthday dinner that night. There's a million things going on

night. There's a million things going on in your life and you are freaking out rightfully so. You call your partner.

rightfully so. You call your partner.

You say, you say, "I have to go to the hospital. I lit I literally can't think

hospital. I lit I literally can't think about anything right now. I have to go see my mom. Can you handle everything?

Daddy gang, do you trust them to actually handle it?

Do you trust that they will call and tell your friends that you can't make dinner? That they're going to go pick up

dinner? That they're going to go pick up your dog and take him on a walk and then give him dinner? Do you trust that your partner will show up to the hospital later that night to check on you? Are

they asking what do you need? Oh, wait.

I don't want to ask her cuz she's so stressed. I'm just going to think to

stressed. I'm just going to think to bring her clothes and get her dinner.

Like, do you have a partner who you trust will be there emotionally for you to help you get through these type of moments because they're going to come?

Or do you think that you'll have to send them a checklist of everything that needs to be done to keep your guys life

moving? Will they even show up?

moving? Will they even show up?

Have you guys seen um the Tik Tok videos those like girls have been posting where it's like the boyfriend is doing dumb [ __ ] and they film the boyfriend and they caption it like I can't believe this is my emergency contact. Obviously

I know that's a joke and it's like really funny but if you actually think about that for a second now be serious.

If you actually are having a medical emergency and the doctors need your partner to make insanely highstake decision for you. Do you trust your partner can make the right call?

And I get it. I get it if you're sitting here being like, "Okay, Alex, relax."

Like you're being a little like you're being dramatic. This is a little

being dramatic. This is a little dramatic. I I get it. These things sound

dramatic. I I get it. These things sound so far off. It sounds like so far away.

This won't happen. But stuff like this happens all the time. And you need to be asking yourself these tough questions.

If it's your boyfriend in high school no. I don't give a [ __ ] if he's going to

no. I don't give a [ __ ] if he's going to be capable of like deciding when you're on your deathbed what to do with you.

That's not where we're at in life. But

when you are now deciding for a life partner, not just like a he's so hot and he brings me flowers, he's going to be such a hot dad. Like when you're 40, 50 60, 70, 80, do you want this person by

your side through the hardest times?

My dad recently had a really big health scare and his recovery required him to

be at home on bed rest and my mom significantly stepped up. And I remember my mom said to me it was one of the

really really tough difficult nights.

She had been sleeping on a hospital chair. Then they got him home and she

chair. Then they got him home and she was up all night and she found herself feeling so grateful

and she had she was like I just remember sitting there and I'm so uncomfortable and I haven't slept in my and then I'm like oh my god I'm so grateful because there wasn't a question in her mind that

although she's exhausted and she's drained and she's scared they were in this together and she wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone. one else

anyone. one else and the amount that she had to do for him and care for him. She knew that he would do and will do the exact for her.

And honestly, stressful moments or hard times, they don't have to be life or death. Okay? So, if you're all like

death. Okay? So, if you're all like "Well, I've never been sick. I've never

gone to the hospital. I can't relate."

Okay, fine. Then, let's give a dumber example. Okay? Um, Matt and I were on

example. Okay? Um, Matt and I were on vacation one time and I remember we had a really long drive from the hotel to the airport. It was the end of the

the airport. It was the end of the vacation and it was going to take about 2 hours to get there. So, we budgeted for three just to be safe and we figured we would still have, you know, like an hour and a half at the airport. It was

an international flight. It was a straight shot literally down one singular road to the airport. Easy.

Easy. No problem. Right. What do you think happened? It ended up being one of

think happened? It ended up being one of those travel days from hell. It ended up taking us over 5 hours to get to the airport. And it became extremely clear

airport. And it became extremely clear really quickly that we were going to not only miss our flight, but we had one of the most important meetings for our company the next day. And so we're on

this remote in the middle of nowhere.

Bum [ __ ] And we started to run out of gas. Naturally. Naturally. The guy

gas. Naturally. Naturally. The guy

driving's like, "Oh yeah, we're fucked."

I'm like "Perfect. Perfect. Love this.

So overall stress couldn't have been higher.

And in that moment, we could have started bickering, blaming each other.

We could have started fighting. But we

sat there and we were like, "Okay, we can't control any of this. We can't

change this. What can we do to try to make this a little better? And let's try to find a solution." So I called the airline to see what we could do. Matt

called the car company to figure out the gas situation and we were just working together to get through this [ __ ] show.

And honestly, even though it was a horrible day, we were both so stressed but I felt like we were on the same team the whole time. That's what I have felt

with Matt since day one of meeting him.

We are on the same team. Doesn't mean we don't fight, but it's like I have had it also on the other end.

Daddy Gang. I remember a similar situation actually just with a different guy. I was driving out to the Hamptons

guy. I was driving out to the Hamptons with an exboyfriend boyfriend at the time and everything literally everything

that could go wrong was going wrong.

Insane traffic, road closures, losing cell service in the [ __ ] Hamptons.

Like somehow all of these uncontrollable factors though of like, "Oh my god how's that?" All became my fault. He's

how's that?" All became my fault. He's

screaming at me in the car saying, "You should have thought ahead. You know, why didn't you print out the directions?"

I'm sorry. Who owns a [ __ ] printer?

Like, oh, Map Quest. No one even knows what that is watching this [ __ ] show.

Okay.

But I remember I felt so shut down and just like attacked and upset and alone in that moment. And it's because when I look

moment. And it's because when I look back, that was not just a one-off. That

was a theme in that relationship.

And I know we're talking about [ __ ] travel, but again, I'm saying these are themes. The difference between the way

themes. The difference between the way Matt and I were handling that extends into our life. The way that my ex and I were handling that extended into our life.

So advice is pay attention when things are stressful.

Does your partner get angry and just blame you and the world when [ __ ] is going wrong? Or do they actually have

going wrong? Or do they actually have the wherewithal to dig deep and face the discomfort with you and if anything double down on being a good partner

step up for you.

I think this also can tie into the more day-to-day disagreements and arguments that you might get into. Like when it comes to how your partner handles

conflict, some things I think that you could consider are can they take accountability?

Can they acknowledge mistakes and apologize? Like my mom was pointing out

apologize? Like my mom was pointing out like if every fight you have feels super intense and exhausting, that is not sustainable. You should be able to have

sustainable. You should be able to have a disagreement, hear each other out, and arrive at common ground without this becoming a multi-day argument.

It may not sound like a huge deal, but if you aren't compatible in this area it can really start to [ __ ] up other parts of your relationship because when you don't feel seen, understood

taken care of you start to get resentful and distrustful of your partner.

Small disagreements are constantly blown into something much bigger. Like, let me give you an example. I had a

relationship where sometimes the guy would put down my career and I would constantly tell him in the moment how much that hurt me and instead of taking

accountability and whether he was, you know, explaining his intentions or even just apologizing and whatever, he just refused to engage and would brush it off

with a, okay, you're being sensitive. I

didn't mean it like that.

and then it would happen again. And we

were constantly having all of this conflict but never ever getting any resolution because he wasn't willing to engage in any honest accountable way.

And so then I would be like, so then you so then you as the person that's like wait, why won't they take accountability? You end up just kind of

accountability? You end up just kind of sweeping it behind you. But then when it keeps happening, you're like, what?

Wait. and you're never going to grow as a couple. I think that accountability

a couple. I think that accountability it's a nonnegotiable Daddy Gang. It is absolutely essential

Daddy Gang. It is absolutely essential to have a partner who knows when they have hurt your feelings or done something wrong, who then can own it and apologize. And I get it when I'm saying

apologize. And I get it when I'm saying that. We're all sitting here and we're

that. We're all sitting here and we're like, "Of course, of course, of course.

That's life. It's not just romantic.

It's, you know, work and friends and partners and family." guys, actually ask yourself, cuz I've been in it. I'm

giving you my examples of like when you are in a relationship with someone, it's it can feel really small. It's not that overt of like, I'm not going to

apologize, Casey. It's no, it's it's the

apologize, Casey. It's no, it's it's the slight little deflection. It's the

slight little gaslighting of just like oh, well, I sorry you felt that way. No

no, no, no. Not sorry you felt sorry. I

any any lack of accountability. I really

don't think that you can have a relationship with someone like that.

And when they say, "I'm sorry," it should be because they genuinely mean it and they want to learn and to grow from it because they love you and they don't want to upset you and they want to grow as a partnership. They shouldn't be

saying I'm sorry because they're trying to people please and avoid any type of conflict and just get it over with and move on.

Guys, every couple is going to argue at some point. Matt and I argue. That is

some point. Matt and I argue. That is

life. But what matters is how you do it how you fight, how you argue.

You should be able to express how you feel without fear of retaliation. And

that is something that my mom growing up always instilled in my siblings and I with whatever romantic relationship we were engaging in. And she talked about it at dinner. She talked to us about how

your partner should listen to you and work to make you feel heard and vice versa. You should do this all for them

versa. You should do this all for them as well.

They should never stonewall you by ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment. Like if you if this person's

treatment. Like if you if this person's giving you get out, get the [ __ ] out cuz that's just manipulation 101.

I feel like I've seen a lot of couples get to the point where they just stop bringing things up, right? Like my mom was talking to me about this. One of her friends has gotten to that point where

it's just like it's not even worth it.

it's not even worth it to bring it up because they know they're never going to get any resolution.

And it's like you deserve better. You

don't have to settle for that. If you

are settling for that, you are essentially alone. That's not a

essentially alone. That's not a partnership. You're just coexisting.

partnership. You're just coexisting.

You shouldn't emotionally feel exhausted at all times.

And therefore, you just start avoiding and ignoring your feelings.

Something I um saw recently online that really got me thinking and I want to pose the question back to you guys is

would you be insulted or would you take it as a compliment if someone said you're so similar to your partner? You

remind me so much of your partner. Would

you be like, "What?

What the [ __ ] Take that back." Or would you be like, "Oh my god, I really appreciate that." Because you respect

appreciate that." Because you respect the [ __ ] out of your part. Which would

it be? That that ask yourself that today. That could end almost that could

today. That could end almost that could cut off a 100,000 relationships right there. People could be like, "Oh, fuck."

there. People could be like, "Oh, fuck."

Well, when you put it like that, get me the [ __ ] away from that loser.

Right?

Obviously, how the two of you exist in your relationship is so important, but they also need to be an individual that you respect.

It's so important that you can both individually grow and then grow together as a couple and be supportive of each other in that process. That's what my

mom not even just at this dinner something that you know I always have asked my mom about with my dad and her is like my parents have gone through so many

different life phases. I remember

growing up and my dad was primarily the bread winner and my mom although was working but she was kind of part-time working cuz she was taking

care of us and I remember when my dad lost his job and I remember when my mom and him I just remember as a kid them having like the longest conversations after dinner. They'd be like you guys

after dinner. They'd be like you guys like go play outside or whatever and they would just sit there and you could just tell they were like tag teaming this thing of like what is our move?

what is this is completely shifting your identity, my identity, the kid, we need to figure this out. And so I remember that where my mom stepped up and my dad

pivoted and the all these things happened and then now I'm watching them grow and it's like, oh my god, my father just retired. My mom is still wanting to

just retired. My mom is still wanting to work. Like there's all these dynamics at

work. Like there's all these dynamics at play. But what my mom has always talked

play. But what my mom has always talked about is the way yes, step one was the foundation and the values and all that.

And then we had to grow together.

And I think a lot of times people struggle to if you're growing sometimes we are like is our partner growing with us? And it's and it's a lot to navigate

us? And it's and it's a lot to navigate because it's three dynamics. It's you

them, and then the us. And my mom just said the thing that has kept your father and I together through all of it is like we are in lock step with growing

and pushing each other to be better. And

that is such an inspiration to me because I idolized my parents and their relationship. I literally the reason I

relationship. I literally the reason I didn't want to get married at one point in was my life because I was like I'm never gonna find what they have. And so

it's like that point. Think about that right? Ask yourself, is your partner

right? Ask yourself, is your partner actively doing the work and looking for areas in their life to improve and evolve or are they just kind of coasting

through life?

Pay attention to how your partner treats their body, their career, and their hobbies, right? The baseline expectation

hobbies, right? The baseline expectation you should have is that your partner is taking care of themselves. Do they

exercise? Are they eating right? Like

of like guys, we all eat like [ __ ] [ __ ] at times, but like, are they doing some type of do they have some type of daily routine? Do they show up on time

daily routine? Do they show up on time to work? or are they constantly going

to work? or are they constantly going out getting [ __ ] up and kind of letting their body run on autopilot?

I'm not saying these things at all for vanity or because you need to like go find a gym bro or like go be the healthiest people ever. I'm not. I'm

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When it comes to their career, do they have ambition? Do they have a good work

have ambition? Do they have a good work ethic?

What is their relationship like with their boss and their co-workers?

A lot of times if your partner feels successful and secure in their own life then they will bring over that sense of safety to the relationship that they're

in as well.

But if they feel unstable and without purpose, then that's what they're bringing into the relationship.

Again, I want to be so clear. This

doesn't mean that you have to always be in a job. people get laid off. They are

we you're gonna struggle there. All of

this what I'm just saying is are you with someone who do they have a passion or how about this? How are they just

showing up in their daily life? How did

they approach life? Is this person a functioning human being? Do people

respect them? Do people like being around them? Do people go to them for

around them? Do people go to them for advice? Do people respect their opinion?

advice? Do people respect their opinion?

Do people like them to be at the party the function, the event? Are people

excited when they see this person?

You don't need a perfect partner, but you do need someone willing to evolve because if you're doing all the growing in the relationship professionally

emotionally financially mentally it's going to become really unbalanced really fast. and that just won't work in

really fast. and that just won't work in the long run.

So, as we wind down, like my therapist says whenever she says that, I'm like, "Okay bitch." I'm like, "Oh, I see how it is.

bitch." I'm like, "Oh, I see how it is.

We were just hitting our stride and now the 50-minute mark hits and she's like "Anyway, you're like mid-trauma." And

she's like, "We will discuss this next week." You're like, "Wait, no." Um

week." You're like, "Wait, no." Um

listen, I get that this is a lot. I also

need to again preface this of like I don't have a picture perfect relationship. I have things that I need

relationship. I have things that I need to work on in my relationship. I just

felt like this week after I was so inspired by my parents. I was so inspired by the other couples that I spoke to and I recognized that whether there's people in the world that

you didn't have the example in front of you growing up whether you don't have maybe people around you that you can use kind of as a

sounding board. Maybe you've had a lot

sounding board. Maybe you've had a lot of relationships that you're trying to break out of patterns. We're all coming from a different perspective and place.

But if you're sitting right now, right listening and you're like, damn. Okay, I

like I like this, but it honestly I feel like maybe this is just too much to ask for. There's just this is I can't expect this, Alex. Like this all sounds

great, but like there's not actually someone out there that's going to align with me on all these values and be able to meet me blah blah. I promise you it

is not expecting too much. You are not asking for too much. You are just with the wrong person.

To be clear, I'm not telling any of you to just like run out right now and dump your boyfriend or your partner. I think

what I'm trying to tell you is just think about what you're willing to compromise on, not in the short term, in the long run. And think about what you

already have been compromising on and what you absolutely need to be aligned on. Because in order to have a healthy

on. Because in order to have a healthy stable, long-term relationship it's so fun when there's passion and it's the early stages and it's the

honeymoon, but when that wears off and you're stuck with the real life [ __ ] that's when being on the same page with your partner is really going to [ __ ] matter. When you're aligned on the big

matter. When you're aligned on the big things, you build a solid foundation in your relationship. the little stuff, it

your relationship. the little stuff, it just makes it seem so much easier to navigate together. So, yes, people can

navigate together. So, yes, people can grow and change, but there's a limit and you can't force someone to completely alter who they are. And I will be

honest, I really struggled with that for a really long time. Like, I'm coming to you guys being like, I have been in so many relationships that whether some

[ __ ] up, some actually quite healthy that I was like, this is going to be it.

But then it's like I genuinely believe that doing the work you will find your partner.

You can't redesign your boyfriend to fit your exact needs right? But there comes a point where you

right? But there comes a point where you do need to accept that they are who they are. And that's not easy.

are. And that's not easy.

But I also want you guys to leave knowing and I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger of like you are never asking for too much. You

are asking for the right things and now you just have to figure out if you're with the right person that can give it to you and meet you there.

So I know this topic can feel a little heavy. Um, but I really hope this

heavy. Um, but I really hope this episode reminded you like you're not alone in feeling the pressure. This is

one of the biggest life decisions you're ever going to make, right? This is

[ __ ] heavy [ __ ] Whether you're dating with intention, you know questioning your current relationship or you're maybe you're reflecting on your marriage.

The point is, this is real. It's deep

and it matters.

So, take your time. Prioritize this.

Prioritize yourself.

and ask the hard questions.

And most importantly, ladies, trust your [ __ ] gut. Because like I said earlier, I have a feeling when I look

back at my previous relationships most of the time I didn't even need to ask the person a lot of these questions to know the answers. People show you who they are. You can fill in the blanks and

they are. You can fill in the blanks and the context clues. And don't let yourself keep convincing.

They're going to change. It's going to change. It's going to change. I know I

change. It's going to change. I know I say this all the time, but you know, she is my north star. My mom since day one

has always said, "Anything that bothers you in your relationship is only going to get worse when you get married and when you have kids and when life just

keeps happening. So, if it's bothering

keeps happening. So, if it's bothering you now and it's a big pain point in your relationship, none of that, all of the the milestones are going to fix it.

The marriage, the wedding, the kids, the holidays, the house, none of that's going to fix [ __ ] Cuz it's just you and them with your heads on those pillows at

night. And when the kids leave and they

night. And when the kids leave and they go to college or something happens and someone's sick, do you like who you're sitting next to?

And no one can answer that for you except for yourself. So, I hope this was helpful. I hope that you guys can take

helpful. I hope that you guys can take something from it. And always know that I'm not judging. And I'm always just hoping that anything that I'm learning in my life, whether it's through therapy or through family or through friends or

through resources, that I can give it to you guys and hopefully it can help in your life in some capacity. So, Daddy

gang, you know the drill. I will see you [ __ ] next Wednesday. Goodbye.