How To Stop Someone From Talking Over You (3 Simple Steps) | Jefferson Fisher

Have you ever been talking out loud and while you're talking somebody says, "Well, you know what I think is?" And

they just run right over you. What's the

first thing you think? You go, "Oh, okay. I guess I'll stop talking now."

okay. I guess I'll stop talking now."

All of a sudden, they are controlling the floor. Now they're dominating the

the floor. Now they're dominating the conversation and you really don't have another window and you feel defeated.

What do you do when somebody is talking over you? Well, there's a wrong way to

over you? Well, there's a wrong way to go about it and a right way to go about it and I'm going to teach you both. Now,

if you listen to the rest of this podcast, you are going to learn exactly how to stop it when somebody tries to dominate the conversation. You ready?

The wrong way to go about this is when you start to yell and start to try and get more attention to you. Somebody

starts interrupting you and the first thing you say is, "Oh, excuse me. Am I

interrupting you?" Or, "Oh, is the end of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" That kind of trying to be

of yours?" That kind of trying to be cute language. That never works. Let me

cute language. That never works. Let me

tell you why it doesn't work. Because it

makes you look desperate. So whenever

somebody is dominating the conversation and interrupts you, the worst thing you can try and do is trying to take it back from them when you try to out attention them. That never works. It always puts

them. That never works. It always puts you in the weaker position. Why? Because

it looks like you're grasping for control. That is the wrong way to go

control. That is the wrong way to go about it. Instead, this is what I want

about it. Instead, this is what I want you to do when somebody tries to dominate the conversation and talk over you. You ready? Number one, I want you

you. You ready? Number one, I want you to continue talking exactly as you were.

Keep the same volume, keep the same tempo, keep the same pace, keep talking just like you were. Do not stop. So when

everybody whenever that person at the board meeting and wherever you are, they start to try and catch in trying to talk over you. Oh, I think what about and

over you. Oh, I think what about and they and they try and talk over you.

keep talking exactly where you are. This

works because it shows a discrepancy between your very even kill controlled.

I'm going to continue talking no matter what you say, even if you interrupt me.

I am planted. I am grounded. I do not care what you say. Whenever you keep that same plane and they are just yeah, barking way up here trying to get your attention, trying to get everybody else's attention, it shows that

discrepancy of you being very controlled and them trying to grasp for control.

They're trying to get that attention from everybody else while you are the one staying calm and controlled. So

number one is continue to talk. Don't

stop talking. All right. Number two,

what I want you to do is resist the temptation to raise your voice.

We always want to try and out talk the other person whenever somebody starts raising their voice. It's very natural.

It's very easy for us because we're trying to kind of uh jump over them.

We're trying to It's like playing checkers. You want to kind of jump over

checkers. You want to kind of jump over them. You want to get on top of the

them. You want to get on top of the conversation. You want to dominate it in

conversation. You want to dominate it in some way. Anytime you do that, all it

some way. Anytime you do that, all it does is escalate them to talk even more.

That's how shouting matches happen. Like

if you watch the news and you see the talking heads on the news and the people that are just fighting just arguing to argue or if you watch like sports commentary maybe on ESPN or something and and you hear people taking two

different positions and somebody's interrupting the other and somebody's interrupting the other and they just start kind of yelling back and forth.

Who's listening? Nobody. What do you do?

You change a channel. Nobody's learning

anything. Nobody can get anything from that because it's just a power grab for attention. So you're going to resist

attention. So you're going to resist that. All right. you're going to resist

that. All right. you're going to resist that by continuing to keep your volume exactly as it is. Why? Again, it shows that discrepancy. That's what you want.

that discrepancy. That's what you want.

Number three, we're just swinging right at it today. We're going we're going straight for the throat. Anytime that

that person is trying to dominate the conversation or interrupt or continue talking and you don't feel like you have a window, let's say we're at a a board meeting and they're just continue to talk and you don't feel like

you have a window into it. Here's the

key. use their name. People love to hear their name. There's no sweeter sound

their name. There's no sweeter sound than the sound of their own name. So, if

they're talking and they're droning on and they've kind of taken away the conversation and gone on with their own voice and with their own subject and they think what they're saying is the most important thing, I want you to use

their name. Use their name. So, let's

their name. Use their name. So, let's

say it's me. Let's me I'm the big bad guy right now and I am I just taken over the conversation. you're talking to me

the conversation. you're talking to me and I go, well, you know what I think is you you ought to go, you know what you should do? And I just start going on

should do? And I just start going on away in my own views, opinions, and I'm talking to an audience of one. If you

need to get my attention, what I want you to say is, Jefferson, that'll pop my head quick. Jefferson,

it's not raising your voice. You're not

saying it angry. You're not saying it too um tender, almost too hesitant.

You're going to say it strong. You're

going to say it clear. Jefferson, if I keep talking, say it again. Jefferson,

even if you need to raise the volume a little bit, it's going to get my attention. It's going to get the other

attention. It's going to get the other person's attention. They are going to

person's attention. They are going to stop because they hear their name.

That's where that's the window. You've

now created the window into that conversation where I want you to use the phrase talk over.

Say something like, "It's not helpful when you talk over me." Or, "I feel like you're talking over me." Or, "I can't hear you when you talk over me." I say the very similar thing when somebody's interrupting you, which in in this case

is very related. I can't hear you when you talk over me.

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using that phrase talk over, it's cluing them into exactly what they're doing.

Sometimes people don't understand what they're doing. They don't realize what

they're doing. They don't realize what they're doing it. Maybe it's not on purpose, but that's beside the point that the the fact is they're doing it.

So you have to take action. You can't

just be quiet and let them continue to talk and and you and you feel less. Then

you feel more dismissed. That kind of behavior is something that you need to catch immediately. You can't let it keep

catch immediately. You can't let it keep going on. Why? Because you're otherwise

going on. Why? Because you're otherwise establishing a pattern of how they can treat you, how they can talk to you, that it's just a given that your opinion

does not matter as much as theirs. But

if you catch it, Jefferson, I can't hear you when you talk over me.

It's not helpful for you to talk over me. Jefferson, are you interested in my

me. Jefferson, are you interested in my thoughts or do you want to talk over me?

It depends how direct you need to be. I

You're the one who knows the personality of the person that you're dealing with.

But that is exactly how I want you to handle when somebody is talking over you. I had something very similar when I

you. I had something very similar when I was a young associate at a law firm.

There was another associate of mine and she had great ideas but she never felt like she could really share them in the meetings that we'd have and we'd have other associate meetings. There would be

about 8 to 10 of us and she didn't feel like she could really use her voice that way. She was much more hesitant,

way. She was much more hesitant, but still she had wonderful ideas. And

there are times where I would kind of focus the conversation to tee it up so she could talk. But at the same time, I didn't always want to be the crutch that goes, "Oh, she let me help guide the conversation to her." So, I talked to

her about it. Said, "This is what I want you to do." The next time David starts to bounce over onto your conversation. I want you to use his name

conversation. I want you to use his name and watch what happens. Sure enough,

while she's given an idea of what she thinks we should try and do for the upcoming year, David immediately kind of goes on the attack. You ever had somebody who

in a meeting, specifically in a group, that just wants to always feel like they can go right for you. They can go right for you every time. That for some reason

you're you're scapegoat. For some

reason, you're the outlet for them that they as soon as you start talking, boom, there they go. something about it triggers you, triggers them. It was the same way in this relationship. And so

she started talking. Boom. David goes

in. And first thing she had said, she did was continue to talk exactly how she was. What did it do? It didn't make her

was. What did it do? It didn't make her look weak. It made him look weak because

look weak. It made him look weak because looked like he was trying to get in in the conversation and she was totally ignoring it. Who we listened to? We

ignoring it. Who we listened to? We

started listening to her, not him.

because it showed everybody in the room what he was doing was not acceptable as a group, as a community. He was now making himself kind of as the outsider.

What she did next as he continues to talk is she used his name. She used his name and he snapped to attention. David,

you're talking over me. That's all she said. You know what he did? Immediately

said. You know what he did? Immediately

apologized. Why? Because he's looking around and seeing everybody kind of agrees. Nobody was fighting. Nobody was

agrees. Nobody was fighting. Nobody was

sticking up for him. He's like, "Oh, I'm, you know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go

ahead." Never again did he do that. So,

I want you to really think about this.

The next time that somebody is trying to dominate a conversation, some somebody's trying to speak over you, number one, what I want you to do is to continue to talk. Two, resist the temptation to

talk. Two, resist the temptation to raise your voice to outtalk them because that's a weaker position ultimately.

Three, what I want to make sure that you do is realize the power of somebody's name. So, if they keep on talking, use

name. So, if they keep on talking, use their name. It is going to snap their

their name. It is going to snap their attention. It's going to make them stop

attention. It's going to make them stop because they need to hear what comes after their name, why you're using the sweet sound of their name. That's your

window to be able to communicate exactly what's happening into action. All right,

sound good. I love this kind of stuff.

It's awesome. Quick, to the point. You

can do it. I know that you can. If you

feel like you lose control in conversation more than you keep it, this episode is for you. I'm making this specifically for you. What I'm going to

teach you if you listen to this episode is exactly how to make sure that that shift of power returns back to you. I'm

going to make it short. I'm going to make it sweet. And it's going to work.

You ready? Controlling conversation is a funny thing. You don't know how to

funny thing. You don't know how to describe it, but you know when you don't have it. You know when you could get it.

have it. You know when you could get it.

It's in that time that the usually in the silence of the conversation that as things are going, momentum starts to shift the other way, starts to swing the other way and it feels like everything

around you is kind of dissolving.

Think of a time most recently in your life where you felt the power dynamic shift. Maybe it's somebody who's a

shift. Maybe it's somebody who's a superior. Maybe it's somebody who

superior. Maybe it's somebody who intimidates you. Maybe it's somebody you

intimidates you. Maybe it's somebody you don't like. Or maybe it's somebody you

don't like. Or maybe it's somebody you love and it still feels like you don't have something inside of you that's able to keep what's yours. And instead you

feel like you're giving it all away, your needs, your wants, your your power, your control, whatever it is, your truth. This episode is going to teach

truth. This episode is going to teach you exactly what to do. So, how do we do that? Number one, you're going to use

that? Number one, you're going to use questions that force a reset in the conversation.

Now, what do I mean by that? Think of

like your laptop or your phone. You you

have a a button typically that has like a forced reset. It doesn't matter what's happening. Maybe you're on your phone

happening. Maybe you're on your phone and it it freezes or your laptop and it freezes. What do you have to do? You

freezes. What do you have to do? You

have to kind of like hold the power button down until it eventually what?

Shuts off and then you're able to click it again and force restart it. It's not

doing it on its own. You are having to inject something into it. That's what

these questions do. These are

intelligent questions. These are not just the basic ones. These are questions that call for reflection in the conversation that make people think. And

that alone is going to stop the momentum, stop the shift, momentum, the power that's going away from you and bring that control back to you in a way or at

least the very least level the playing field. You said, Jefferson, what do

field. You said, Jefferson, what do these questions sound like? I'm going to tell you. These are questions that sound

tell you. These are questions that sound like, are you against us talking at a normal tone? Are you against us talking

normal tone? Are you against us talking about this calmly?

Are you against us talking about this openly?

Is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice? Is it unreasonable for me to assume that what I tell you can be kept in confidence?

Or maybe it's I need to know where we're going in this conversation. Can you help explain to me where we're going in this conversation? Where is this conversation

conversation? Where is this conversation going?

So, these are three key words that I really picked up on that I'm I'm wanting you to pick up on is one, we are using the the natural mind to think in the negatives. Meaning, if somebody asked

negatives. Meaning, if somebody asked you to do something, typically you want to say no. Think of when you're kids. I

if I ask my daughter when she was two to go do something, the first thing she'd say is no. We have the same exact thing.

It doesn't go away. We just have different filters as we age. Well, if I were to say, "Are you against us talking about this calmly?"

The first thing they're going to want to respond with is no.

Are you against? No, I'm not against that. Then they will naturally lower it.

that. Then they will naturally lower it.

No. Who's going to say yes, I'm against talking calmly? So, you use that to your

talking calmly? So, you use that to your advantage. It makes them think it's If I

advantage. It makes them think it's If I If I'm going to say, "Are you are you against us talking about this in a way that's helpful?" You hear how it makes

that's helpful?" You hear how it makes you almost have to work through it backwards? It takes some time even

backwards? It takes some time even though it sounds simple for somebody to hear it. Reverse engineer it. That's the

hear it. Reverse engineer it. That's the

time frame that you want. All right,

that's levels the playing field. That's

the forced reset. That moment where people have to think and you get to now ask a question and they are now acquiescing to what you've asked for. Is

it unreasonable? Most people will again say no to things. If I were to say, is it reasonable to ask you to stop yelling? You know what's going to

yelling? You know what's going to happen? They're going to say no. It's

happen? They're going to say no. It's

not reasonable. You You know how upset I am right now? But if I were to say, "Is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice?"

They're not going to say yes, it is.

They'll most likely say no. Why? Because

no is easier to say. In that moment where they reverse engineer the question, that's the shift of momentum.

I need you to tell me where we're going in this conversation. Help me understand where we're going. It's easy. It's it's

the I am wanting to know where's the deadline. Where's the the finish line?

deadline. Where's the the finish line?

Not the deadline, the finish line. Where

do we go there? All that's doing is making them think, hey, what am I talking about this for? What am I talking about this for? It's it's

jumping to that end. You are creating that moment where they have to pause.

They respond to your question, which levels the playing field because that time stops the momentum. It is like icing the kicker in football. If you

watch American football, you know that a lot of times they will if if or even in basketball, lots of different sports when things are going a team's way and

especially in basketball and somebody is they're scoring a lot, the other team will typically call a timeout. Let's

stop the momentum. They're they're

getting too much going on. That's

exactly what these questions do. Exactly

what these questions do. And it gives you the control back in the conversation. Number two, aside from

conversation. Number two, aside from intelligent questions that are making them stop, what I want you to think of is times where you can use phrases that

are going to call moments of more reflection for the other person.

Why? Because it is giving you that control back. There's not a statement I

control back. There's not a statement I can tell you that's going to just force the control there. Questions do it.

Questions do it. My favorite, and if you listen to this podcast, you know, is the phrase, "Did you mean?" Did you mean for that to sound dismissive? Did you mean

for that to sound a little manipulative?

Did you mean for that to embarrass me or offend me? The did you mean questions,

offend me? The did you mean questions, what they do is they put a big spotlight on the other person's behavior and it makes them have to think about what their motive was. What was my intent in

asking this? What was my motive in

asking this? What was my motive in asking this? And usually if it's a a

asking this? And usually if it's a a truly negative motive like did you say that to embarrass me? It forces them to now like they they feel angst. They they

they don't like that they got heartburn.

Now they got called out. They got called out. And now what they have to do is

out. And now what they have to do is shift it back. They have to uh stop.

They have to hedge. They have to put on the brakes and realize, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm I'm getting called out right

whoa. I'm I'm getting called out right here. I don't like that. I'm going to

here. I don't like that. I'm going to start looking bad. I don't want that.

And so they'll they'll turn that trajectory. And what they do is they

trajectory. And what they do is they lower and now you're more balanced in the conversations. Did you mean number

the conversations. Did you mean number three? One of my favorite things to do

three? One of my favorite things to do in conversations, particularly when it feels like somebody else is trying to take control in the conversation, I will

ask the question, are we on equal footing?

It could be something very similar to that. Is this a conversation where we're

that. Is this a conversation where we're balanced?

I talk about things that are up and down. I want to make sure that we're

down. I want to make sure that we're walking side by side. And usually I'll ask that question. Are we walking side by side right now? I want to make sure I'm walking alongside you in this

conversation. Whenever you're using

conversation. Whenever you're using words that call balance, even the imagery of balanced, are we are we side by side here? Are we

balanced? Are we on the same plane? Are

we on the same footing? You can think of a thousand other ways to say it. What

they do, these phrases, these questions that make the other person kind of slow down. They make them slow down in the

down. They make them slow down in the conversation. That's what you want. And

conversation. That's what you want. And

that's what's going to return the control back to you. There's nothing you can say that's going to say, "Hey, I want control back in this conversation."

That's not going to happen. If it's a statement, what it does is it makes you look like you are uh vain. It makes you look like you're

uh vain. It makes you look like you're aggressive. It makes you look like you

aggressive. It makes you look like you are desperate. It makes you desperate is

are desperate. It makes you desperate is the best word for it. It It makes you look like you're already lost it. All

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now, let's get back to that episode. One

of the best of the ways I I can think of rather than trying to grasp for that attention.

Control is a is also found in the silence.

So many times in conversation, the most powerful move you can make is no move at all. Not saying anything. If

you want to return conversational power back to you, often silence and pauses are the best thing that's

going to do that. Pauses.

If you if somebody else is on a roll, you can call your own timeout. If they

are being and when I say on a roll, maybe they are being way too aggressive with you. Then what you say is I need to

with you. Then what you say is I need to come back to this conversation when I'm in a better place.

I'll come back to this conversation when I'm ready. I can tell I'm not in a good

I'm ready. I can tell I'm not in a good I'm not myself right now. I can tell I'm not ready for this conversation. This is

not a conversation that I need to be in right now.

Pause it. time it. Why did I say that?

Say it like that. Take a timeout. Pause

the conversation. And what you do is now the nerves settle. What happens is you're able to now look like you're the one that's in control of the conversation because you're not

responding emotionally. You're not

responding emotionally. You're not saying things you don't mean. You're not

trying to say the yeah, buts. But but

what about you're not trying to throw daggers and add these little paper cuts to the conversation that don't do anything. Control is also very much

anything. Control is also very much found in the silence and taking breaks and what's that? That that is you

calling your shot of when and you when you will not have conversation.

Those three tips right there alone, see I told you short and sweet rolled right into it. That's exactly what's going to

into it. That's exactly what's going to help you the next time you feel like you're losing power in a conversation.

So, what do we talk about? Number one,

using intelligent questions. Are you

against? Is it unreasonable? Show me

where we're going. Anything related to that, using the the negatives. That's

going to get somebody to have to think more reflectively about the conversation and stop the momentum. Two, we're going to use questions that talk about the intent and motive. That's going to again

reflect that and make them pause. Three,

largely I want to go right into that.

Silence. That's number three. Silence is

so often the very thing that will stop the m momentum, bring control back because you are choosing your words when you want them and what you want to say.

That's how you keep control. The key to handling conflict is not what you say, it is what you observe. In today's

episode, I'm going to teach you exactly what I teach every single one of my legal clients. So, if you've ever

legal clients. So, if you've ever wondered what's it like to be a legal client of Jefferson, well, today is your chance to do that. Today's the lucky day. We're going to dive into how do you

day. We're going to dive into how do you handle high stress conflict situations and operate at a different level that you did not know was possible. When we

talk about difficult, high stress conflict. I'm I'm talking about not just

conflict. I'm I'm talking about not just a little bitty everyday arguments. I'm

talking about something that's on your plate that's coming up right now and you go, Jefferson, I don't know how to handle this. I I don't know what to do.

handle this. I I don't know what to do.

I I'm afraid I'm going to shut down. I'm

afraid I'm going to get nervous. I'm

going to tell you exactly what I tell every single one of my clients. You

ready? Number one, it is not what you say. It is not anything to do with your

say. It is not anything to do with your mouth. It has everything to do with your

mouth. It has everything to do with your nervous system. And the key here is

nervous system. And the key here is instead of absorbing, you're observing. I'm going to say it

you're observing. I'm going to say it again. Instead of absorbing,

again. Instead of absorbing, you're observing. If you want to handle

you're observing. If you want to handle conflict at a different level of consciousness that you did not know you could handle it, it is going to be the

key of not absorbing what they say but observing what they say. All right, say it with me. Say it with me wherever you are. It's not absorbing, it's observing.

are. It's not absorbing, it's observing.

All right, what does that mean? I want

you to think, this is just coming to me right now. I want you to think you're in

right now. I want you to think you're in the grocery store and you have your your cart with you and you're going through and you or maybe maybe you're somebody who likes a bag, you know, you you you

have a I'm I'm all for environmentally friendly stuff, too, though it's hard here in Texas. And you have your cart and you just start putting things on the shelf or grabbing things off the shelf

and putting it in your basket that you you don't even want, right? You don't

even want the things just start to come in. You're like, "Yeah, you know what?

in. You're like, "Yeah, you know what?

I'm going to take their belittling opinion of me. I'm going to put it in my cart. You know, I'm going to take their

cart. You know, I'm going to take their side eye, put it in my cart. I'm going

to take that that disrespectful tone and put that in my cart. And you just keep going all the way through aisle by aisle. And then you go to check out,

aisle. And then you go to check out, which is actually a very good word for this. Yeah. You you you mentally check

this. Yeah. You you you mentally check out. And you know what checks in? Your

out. And you know what checks in? Your

nervous system, your emotions, and they just flood you in that moment. And and

in in that point in time, you have absorbed. You have taken on so many

absorbed. You have taken on so many things that there's nothing left for you. You're not observing. You're not

you. You're not observing. You're not

seeing what's happening. You're just in it. You're just in it. And you are

it. You're just in it. And you are helpless to it. It is no longer you who controls the emotions. The emotions are now controlling you. And there's no telling what you're going to say.

There's no there's no nobody can guess what's going to come out of your mouth or what's going to happen because you're not there. You are checked out. So, when

not there. You are checked out. So, when

I tell my clients, hey, when you're in the chair and somebody is the other attorney is asking you questions, there's going to be a time where all of a sudden you're tempted to go in it to

to to go down the spiral and look inside and look at yourself and feel emotions and get heated because you're going to start taking things personally. You're

going to start absorbing what they're saying. No, no, no, no. If you want to

saying. No, no, no, no. If you want to handle this the right way, the proper way in conflict, you have to start observing. What does that mean? That

observing. What does that mean? That

means you're going to approach the conversation at a different level of consciousness that you have before. That

means instead of going, "How how could you say that to me? Oh my gosh, I'm" and you start holding your breath and you start getting flustered and you get nervous or maybe you tear up. is because

you're not seeing it as, huh, I wonder why he's asking me this. I wonder why she's saying that. I wonder where they're going with this. Look for the

intent behind the words.

The intent behind the words. When you

are observing what's happening in some sense, being an attached observer. I've

said this before where you it's like you are sitting in a movie theater with your popcorn and you're watching the conversation take place. And that puts you in a different perspective of looking at the person who's talking to

you and thinking, I wonder why that character is saying this. I wonder what the plot is. I wonder what the narrative is. I I wonder what scene is coming up

is. I I wonder what scene is coming up next. And you see how when you look at

next. And you see how when you look at it that way, you have full control.

You're now the director, the producer, the screenwriter of exactly what happens next. And then it's just action. And

next. And then it's just action. And

you're able to be in the state of mind of, hey, I'm observing the conversation.

And from there, that gives you a chance to let your body regulate because you're not in it. You are seeing it. You're

seeing the conversation. Number two,

what I teach every one of my clients is something that's at the forefront of my book. The next conversation, argue less,

book. The next conversation, argue less, talk more. And rule number one when I

talk more. And rule number one when I say say it with control, and that is let your breath be the first word that you say.

I've been talking a little fast here in this podcast, which is unlike me. I

think I'll tell you why. I drink too much coffee this morning. Too much

coffee. Admittedly, usually I talk pretty slow. All right. Can you hear how

pretty slow. All right. Can you hear how just the way I'm talking now and how I'm slowing down just a little bit might in

a micro percentage also slow you down a little bit. Maybe you know the neural activity

bit. Maybe you know the neural activity in your brain is starting to slow down just a little bit. Maybe you feel a little bit more relaxed at me speaking a

little more slowly. When I put a breath before my words, it is making sure that I am regulating

myself. And even more importantly, I am

myself. And even more importantly, I am showing you I am showing you that I am regulated, that I am in control. And what I'm about

to say, I've chosen.

I've chosen those words.

It makes a very big difference. So, when

I teach my clients, hey, don't get wrapped up. Don't try and step on

wrapped up. Don't try and step on somebody's question. Don't try to

somebody's question. Don't try to interrupt them. Let them get it out and

interrupt them. Let them get it out and then you observe the question. Observe

the the interaction. Take a breath and then choose what you want to say.

You are in complete control of the pace of any conversation. Nobody can make you say anything you don't want to say and nobody can make you say it at a time you don't want to say it. That choice is

yours. That choice is yours. And I

yours. That choice is yours. And I

cannot tell you how many clients I have seen come to find accept and grow in their own power and their own sense of

value and worth of wow I I get to choose if I say anything. And you know what? If

I want to wait 30 seconds before I say something, I can do that.

It's it is a freeing feeling to know, you know, I'm going to think about this.

Let me chew on this question for a second.

Just that alone, the ability to say that says, "Oh, no, no. I'm I'm operating at a different level you don't know about.

No, I'm I'm not who you thought I was. I

know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going

to choose my words and I'm going to show you that what I'm about to say is something that I absolutely mean and I'm saying with intention. All right? Can

you feel the difference? Say, what kind of breath are we talking about? I've run

through this breath before. It's always

good to do it because it's something that is good for me, too. Is a

conversational breath. And what it does, it's based on a physiological sigh, which is a double Oh, that kind of sounded weird. Double

inhalation.

double inhalation. So, you're breathing, you're inhaling twice. All right? So,

ready with me? We're going to breathe through your nose. Wherever you are, just do it. Don't worry about it. People

might look at you. Don't worry. Ready?

We're going to breathe in through your nose about two to three seconds.

One more at the top and then let out through your nose.

My guess is you're starting to come down a little bit. Maybe your shoulders relaxed a little bit. is the feeling that mimics a sigh. When you use that kind of breath, and I promise you, you

continue to do it while I'm talking right now. You'll see that you get

right now. You'll see that you get really good at it. You can do it any time. The most crucial part for me is

time. The most crucial part for me is when I teach my clients to do it is before they answer the question. Just

take two seconds or one second. What we

like to say here in the South is just say one Mississippi. In other words, in in your head, you're going to go Mississippi.

like well you can use your own name if you have a long name you know just whatever it is it's it's to get you in the mindset of taking a beat a moment take that breath and choose what you

want to say it is always going to be better all right let's be honest there are people out there right now you don't like they come to mind immediately and

the truth is there are also other people that don't really like you but how do you communicate with these people when you have to be with them at work or around in the house or in your

community. How do you talk to them? This

community. How do you talk to them? This

episode is all about how to talk to somebody who doesn't like you. And I'm

not exempt from this, by the way, the whole people not liking you thing. There

are people that I can think right now come to mind that I don't like. And I

know that there are people listening, maybe probably not listening, but maybe some that don't like me. And that's

okay. That's normal because we're not meant to be for everybody, right? There

are people in your life that if you were for everybody, you're kind of probably doing something wrong. There's going to be somebody who isn't a fan of what you're doing. That's that's kind of a

you're doing. That's that's kind of a good sign in my in my world. If somebody

is not always a fan of what you're doing because it means that you're you're on the right track, you're pushing, you're persevering, not everybody has to agree with what you're doing. That's my that's my point. How do you handle it? How do

my point. How do you handle it? How do

you handle it? How do you talk to somebody who doesn't like you or you don't like them? You ready? Number one,

treat them like they like you. Talk to

them like they like you. I know that sounds counterintuitive. That's the

sounds counterintuitive. That's the point. There are people that when you

point. There are people that when you come into the room and you know good and well they don't like you, what they're looking for is even more reasons not to like you. But when you start treating

like you. But when you start treating them just as normal as can be, like nothing ever happened in the past, it's going to not only bother them, which is pretty cool, it's it's also going to

kind of go, "Huh, wait, this is not this is not what I thought." And sometimes they'll actually feel bad that they even ever had the impression that they didn't like you. It could work either way. The

like you. It could work either way. The

point is, don't give someone a reason to not like you because that that pulls down your integrity. You be you.

is my point. You be you. Don't worry

about if they like you or don't like you. So, treat them in conversation just

you. So, treat them in conversation just as pleasant as I'm talking to you. Now,

big disclaimer here. You ready? Big

disclaimer. This is not about being fake. What I'm not telling you is to be

fake. What I'm not telling you is to be fake and pretend that everything's fine.

That's not it. I can be cordial with you. I can be kind. I can be polite. I

you. I can be kind. I can be polite. I

can be respectful without ever having to do anything with whether I like this person, prefer this person, I'm a fan of this person or not. You just be you,

right? That's all that is. So, if

right? That's all that is. So, if

somebody's acting like they don't like you, treat them even more so like they like you. Don't worry about what they're

like you. Don't worry about what they're doing. You concentrate on what you're

doing. You concentrate on what you're doing. Right? And here's the key. Here's

doing. Right? And here's the key. Here's

the key takeaway, and this is probably one of my favorite points, is if they don't like you, they're not that important. Most likely, they're not that

important. Most likely, they're not that important. If they genuinely don't like

important. If they genuinely don't like you, they're not that important. Why?

Because they don't that means they don't know you well enough, they're not in a place where they can really hold any kind of judgment of you, that's that's really going to weigh on you. So, what

do you do? Number one, treat them like they like you. What happens when you're around somebody and you know you don't really like them and they don't really

like you and you decide to kind of shift or sherk them off or act a certain way.

All it does is double down on their decision not to like you. All it does is in their mind they're going, "Oh, I knew I didn't like this person." because

they're they're all they're doing is looking for ways to justify, validate, imprint that impression in their mind of that they don't like you. So when you

turn the tables and you act pleasant, respectful, you be you, that messes with their head and they go, "Huh, okay, maybe that wasn't the the re the right impression

that I was supposed to have. Maybe that

wasn't the right impression I was supposed to have." Number two, if you can't do that, if you go, "No, Jefferson, look, I like you, man, but no, I'm not I'm not doing that." Here's

what I want you to do. Go neutral. Just

go flat. That means I want you to use neutral statements. When you're talking

neutral statements. When you're talking to them, and you don't want the conversation to go anywhere, use words that are stop to the conversation that you can't do anything with. These are

neutral words like got it, noted, understood, yep, interesting words that nobody can you can't continue to take those words and go anywhere. So stay

neutral in the conversation. If if you really can't be at a place where you can be pleasant around this person, if you if you're really deciding that you're just going to go sour, which I get it,

we're we're we're normal and human. At

least try to go neutral where there's nothing negative you're going to be doing. There's nothing positive you're

doing. There's nothing positive you're going to be doing. So use statements that keep the conversation neutral.

You're not inflaming anything. You are

going to use statements that really can't do anything with. So if they talk to you, instead of having this attitude or making things worse or just confirming their belief for whatever

reason that they don't like you or you don't like them, it's got it, noted.

Thank you. Understood. Appreciate it.

You see how I'm not even using full sentences. It's not I appreciate that.

sentences. It's not I appreciate that.

It's appreciate it. Cool. Using very

shortened versions that are very neutral, very flat. and nobody can do anything with them. Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Momentus. Momentus is a

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When your moment matters, make it count.

And now back to the episode. Number

three, keep the sarcasm, the snarkiness at home. All right? Instead, stick to

home. All right? Instead, stick to facts. If it's somebody who's does not

facts. If it's somebody who's does not like you, instead of reinforcing and embolding that, emboldening that decision of them, I think that's a word,

emboldening. Let's say it is. You get my

emboldening. Let's say it is. You get my point. Instead of that, just stick to

point. Instead of that, just stick to facts. Here's what I mean. Let's say

facts. Here's what I mean. Let's say

you're in an office uh at a meeting and somebody comes in and you know you don't really like them, they don't really like you. And they ask a question and they're

you. And they ask a question and they're like, "What did I miss?" And you say, "Well, I mean, if you were here, you would know that sarcasm that does nothing but to make you feel better and it's going to make them dislike you even

more."

more." Where you come in and you go, "Well, I mean, it would be nice if somebody did."

or well, if you were around or if you really cared, you'd find out these passive aggressive comments. Stop that.

So, just empty out the passive aggressive comments. They don't do

aggressive comments. They don't do anything. I know in that moment because

anything. I know in that moment because you kind of want to jab them, right? You

want to go, "Yeah, I know you don't like me, so let me just poke you in the aisle with this stick."

Don't Don't do that. All right? Keep

that home. Instead, just stick to facts.

facts as reasons why you're here and why you're going to leave at some certain future. So, let's say instead if they

future. So, let's say instead if they ask for the time, you're just going to give the time. Don't give the snarkiness. If you come in, say, "I'm

snarkiness. If you come in, say, "I'm here to discuss this or I need to talk to you about why." There's not a Okay, well, I I got to talk to you and I I

guess um Okay, I guess we're doing this.

Um so, here's the thing.

Get rid of all that. Get rid of all of it.

it's not serving you. It's not making you a better person. Instead, just stick neutral to the facts. There's so much in this because it's natural for us to not

like people. Again, if they don't like

like people. Again, if they don't like you, they're not that important. And

that's okay. And I I can get down with the idea of if you don't have somebody who's rooting against you, it means you're not going towards something

important enough. Like if you don't have

important enough. Like if you don't have if if if you're not chasing something, maybe it's a business that you're building, maybe it's a content that you're trying to create, if you have people that are the

naysayers, the people that are uh doubting you, then typically it means in my mind, your goals aren't big enough.

Yeah. You need to reach for these goals that are so big and you feel like you're doing something so important that of course you're going to have people who are on the other side of it. It's it's

it's a healthy it's a healthy thing. I

know it's hard to kind of think in that mindset, but that's that's at least my outlook. Means if if you don't have

outlook. Means if if you don't have people that are naysaying, it's it's because your goals aren't aren't big enough. Now, there are going to be

enough. Now, there are going to be people out there that aren't going to be fans of you just for whatever reason. It

doesn't matter. Typically, they're

jealous. Typically, they they have some kind of preconceived notion. They they

gossip about you behind your back. And

we've addressed a lot of these topics in the podcast and the podcast episodes to come. But the point here is don't give

come. But the point here is don't give somebody a reason to not like you just because you can. Don't allow them to change who you are. Don't allow them to

lower your character or your integrity because of some preconceived notion. And

and here's this other truth. You ready?

Opinions change. There are people that I used to not like and now I'm like, you know what? That was kind of dumb of me

know what? That was kind of dumb of me back then. I I actually like this person

back then. I I actually like this person or vice versa. And it flips. You think

somebody's great and you realize I I got to know them and uh kind of empty inside. I don't I don't agree. This doesn't match and align with

agree. This doesn't match and align with my values anymore. People change. My

guess, if you're listening right now, there's somebody that you weren't really a fan of and and then now you're like, I kind of like this person. It goes the same thing with siblings. You grew up with siblings. Like I know two sisters

with siblings. Like I know two sisters who hated each other and now they're like the best of friends. It happens.

Co-workers like I'm not really a fan of them. At the end you're you're great.

them. At the end you're you're great.

Why? Because time changes things. Always

keep your head above the water. Operate

a frequency that says I'm going to be true to me regardless of what anybody else is going to do. So what do you do?

How do you talk to somebody who doesn't like you? Number one, act like they do.

like you? Number one, act like they do.

Treat them like they like you. Talk

exactly like they like you. Why? Because

that is your choice. And you're not allowing their your p preconceived notion of what they think about you to control any of your behavior. Are you

with me? Good. Two. If you can't do that, keep your emotions in a vacuum.

That means you're going to use neutral, flat statements that don't do anything like, "Thanks. Got it. Understood."

like, "Thanks. Got it. Understood."

That's not the best, but at least it's going to keep you flat. Number three,

keep all the passive, aggressive, sarcastic comments at home. Things that

are gonna flare it up. Leave that alone.

Instead, just operate on the facts.

While you're there, what you need to talk about, get in, get out, get safe.

And keep in mind, opinions always change.

>> Calm down. You're too sensitive. You're

overreacting. Most of us women have felt completely invalidated and dismissed by those words. So, how on earth can we

those words. So, how on earth can we respond with confidence without losing our call?

>> If you want to feel confident, then you have to do assertive things. You have to assert yourself. Uh confidence is more

assert yourself. Uh confidence is more of a feeling. Like if I were to say, hey, I need you to feel scared right now. You have a hard time doing it

now. You have a hard time doing it without me being scary. Uh the same thing to say, I need you to be confident. You're going to have a hard

confident. You're going to have a hard time feeling it without doing something that's going to trigger that. So, it's

the assertive statements that you can use right into your sentences. So, for

example, if it's that idea of you're being so sensitive, it's the having the patience to know, okay, I know I can say something assertive right here and that

is no, I'm sensing you're being a jerk.

You know, if somebody says it's just a joke, I'm just sensing you're not that funny. It's that idea of you flipping

funny. It's that idea of you flipping their words and having the wherewithal in that moment to say something assertive that will then in a positive feedback loop give you the feeling of confidence. And then with that

confidence. And then with that confidence, you want to say more assertive things.

>> But when someone's being dismissive of your feelings, if you don't know how to be assertive, you absolutely may say something that they can then use to either weaponize against you. Yeah. Or

they can just then use that same statement again to prove their point.

>> As in like, see, I told you you're too sensitive.

>> Right? In those situations with any kind of personality, they often tease something up for you to grab. So they

say something ugly. What they're doing is offering you something and saying, "Why don't you go ahead and take it? Go

ahead." And once you take it, once you have that response of that emotional, uh, I can't believe you. I can't. And

you have that big reaction, now they got you. you fell for the trap and now all

you. you fell for the trap and now all of a sudden they kind of they take the joy in that response that you gave that hit of dopamine that they received from that control and so now when you react

you are giving away your power but often it's the silence and the very small steps that say I'm in control and you aren't. It's a very it's a a weird

aren't. It's a very it's a a weird mindset where you have to flip the idea of when you are sending that zinger right back at them you're actually weakening your position not increasing it.

>> Okay. So, cuz that is exactly what we do. We we go, "Okay, well, I'm going to

do. We we go, "Okay, well, I'm going to give as good as I'm going to get." And

that feels sometimes in the moment quite empowering as a woman. It's like, "I've got my own back. I can stand up for myself." But to your point, what you end

myself." But to your point, what you end up doing is weakening your position.

>> So, you say we have one of the best great secret weapons >> of pausing.

>> Yes.

>> So, talk to me about in that moment if you start to feel the heat, you start to boil, your blood's boiling cuz someone's being disrespectful to you, they're dismissing you. take me through the

dismissing you. take me through the exact steps of how do you pause, >> how do you collect your mindset and then come up with a good response.

>> Yeah. So, what I talk about is difference between short pauses and long pauses. And when somebody says something

pauses. And when somebody says something disrespectful, what you want is a long pause. That's somewhere between about 5

pause. That's somewhere between about 5 to 8 seconds. It's just a few seconds of allowing the other person to hear what they said. Because let's say you said

they said. Because let's say you said something negative to me. Visually one,

it's going to give me the feeling of confidence when I see that word come and just fall to the ground and understanding I don't have to pick that up.

>> And it's kind of in that silence you're looking at it going, "Is that is that what you wanted to say? Does that feel good? That that right there are you

good? That that right there are you looking at what I'm looking at?" And

that right there automatically makes them feel more powerless and you feel more in control. And that pause, you are being their echo. You're being their

mirror. So often if somebody were to say

mirror. So often if somebody were to say something ugly and I say nothing at all, often what they do is they they say it and hear it back in their mind. And

often people might apologize and go, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that or they rephrase it. Or you can ask the person a was that supposed to these are questions of what I call intent. So was

that supposed to hurt me? See how a question doesn't respond in the way of sending that zinger back at them. It's a

way of answering without answering.

Did you mean for that to hurt me? Was

that supposed to embarrass me? And you

see how the power is not sending the zinger to say, I'm going to make you hurt even worse. The power is when they throw a punch, you go, that didn't hurt.

So that's that's the control that you have in that moment.

>> And I assume tone matters cuz even just the way you said it, it was so calm. I

assume that was supposed to hurt me. Why

did you say that? Versus like, I assume that was supposed to hurt me. Why did

you say that?

>> Exactly. So take me through how it can be perceived as you're losing control versus actually you have control of this the conversation.

>> Yeah. I mean you can use just what we did as an example. So if I were to say you can't talk to me like that. Are you

kidding me? Versus

you cannot talk to me like that. Now

which one sounds more in control?

>> Oh definitely the second.

>> Definitely the second one. And nothing

changes except that you're speaking a lot slower which shows I'm in control of my words. And it also shows I'm in

my words. And it also shows I'm in control of my actions because when that fight or flight kicks in, which you know all about. You get that emotion. Your

all about. You get that emotion. Your

heart starts to beat. You get nervous.

You start to shake. Your voice might tremble a little bit. You get tears in your eyes. It's just the emotional

your eyes. It's just the emotional flooding. You're telling your body in

flooding. You're telling your body in that moment when you're not taking a big pause and a big breath. You're telling

your body, "I have a lot to fear right now. I have a lot to be afraid of. So, I

now. I have a lot to be afraid of. So, I

have to be extreme. I have to say that extreme thing. I have to go all out."

extreme thing. I have to go all out."

Versus when you slow down and you speak slowly and even in a lower tone, you're not only conveying control, you're also telling your body

this there's nothing to fear here.

>> There's no nothing to threaten me. I'm

safe. And that right there is an incredibly powerful move uh that you can flip that script on them to show that there's nothing here that's that's threatening me in some way. So that's

what a lot of the pausing does is it gives a lot of space for them to realize that what they wanted is not what they're going to how I see it is when

you say that ugly thing you put it out on a ledge like you exposed it and you're hoping you're praying that somebody will take it. Have you ever thrown an insult and then they didn't give it back?

>> Probably.

>> Yeah. And then you go kind of feel like a jerk later. You realize, oh that didn't hit. And then you feel kind of

didn't hit. And then you feel kind of stupid because what you sent out it didn't get the response. You didn't get the control and now you feel kind of silly about it. So that's that's how you do that. So if I had to break that down,

do that. So if I had to break that down, it'd be one, you want to add about a five to seven 7se second pause, a long pause. Two, you want to do it long

pause. Two, you want to do it long enough to make them hear their words back. And often you can just repeat what

back. And often you can just repeat what they said back to them. So if you said something ugly, like you ever said, "You're an idiot." And I waited five seconds. I said, "I'm an idiot.

seconds. I said, "I'm an idiot.

Perfect. Three is you're you're allowing them to show you can ask questions of intent. Did you mean for that to

intent. Did you mean for that to embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt

embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt me or offend me? And uh often times that's all you really need to do to realize it's not going to be that fun for them the second time around.

>> Oh my god, that's so good. And then in talking about the pause in the power of it, you also talk about in your book the power of people forcing you to not pause. And it's their way almost of

pause. And it's their way almost of asking your question like rushing you to answer as a way of them controlling you.

>> Yeah. So in legal depositions, attorneys do it all the time. We want to get you responding very quickly. And when you feel pressured, you often do. A lot of the clients that I have, I have to train them on let them get all their question

out, give it a pause, then you say something because otherwise you want to, hey, did you go the other day? Yes, I

did. They they they like to cut in because they just want it over. Same

thing in any argument that you have. You

also want that over because you want the threat to go away. But where you find the the moment of control and power for them is when you can add distance

between what they said and your response in that distance where you're able to show them that there's nothing here that's really going to defeat me in some

way. And so what I like to focus on is

way. And so what I like to focus on is when you are trying to rush your words, what you're saying them is you're afraid. Because when you get afraid, you

afraid. Because when you get afraid, you like to rush your words. And when you get to slow down, you're in a much better position almost every single time. Confident people know they don't

time. Confident people know they don't have to say anything. Insecure people

always have something to say, always have something to add. Insecurities are

loud. Confidence is very quiet. There's

a very big difference in that. people in

your community would want to grasp that idea of I don't have to say anything that I don't want to say. Should I not want to answer that text for 10 minutes?

Maybe I don't want to respond to that text for the whole day. Then don't. It's

there's no pressure obligation that you have to send it immediately. You don't

have to send that full paragraph. You

wait. Wait a day. It's going to be a whole lot better. and you're the one that's going to feel more controlled and send the message that you're in more control of yourself.

>> I love that. I um I often write textes and I don't send them.

>> Yeah.

>> And I'm like, "All right, if you still feel like this 24 hours, send it."

>> That's smart.

>> I never end up sending them ever.

>> Yeah.

>> Um what I've done is I went deep into my community and I was looking at all the things that we women struggle with um here at Women of Impact and I've pulled some scenarios for you if you're okay

with helping us through navigating how we would replace our like sure I don't know what I'm getting myself into. Okay,

so this somewhat scripts if you will and I realized that >> in my community maybe you found this there are two almost different types of ways of saying things. Number one is a question, number one is a statement

>> and so they sometimes land differently.

So I would love to hear how you think through them. So one is um when someone

through them. So one is um when someone is just utterly inappropriate >> to your face. Yeah.

>> Sometimes one of the questions I get all the time and a lot of women do is, "Why don't you have kids yet?"

>> Yeah.

>> Sometimes that's very inappropriate. If

you can't have children, that's heartbreaking of a question. If you've

decided not to, it feels sometimes it's a challenge to your femininity and your womanhood. Um, and so when someone asks

womanhood. Um, and so when someone asks that, >> how would you suggest someone could reply with confidence? Do you feel like they have to explain?

>> No. No, I mean part of confidence is the understanding that you need to stop justifying everything. You can say no

justifying everything. You can say no without justifying it. You can say anything you want without having to justify a reason for it. No is, as they say, a complete sentence. So in that

scenario, if somebody gets asked about, you know, why aren't you having why have you had any kids or why don't you have more kids? Um, one that is an extremely

more kids? Um, one that is an extremely offensive appropriate question. In that

kind of situation, reading the room, you could do one of two things. One, you

could ask the question, and I would I would begin with is it. I like asking things with is it because it props it up in in their side of the fence. For

example, is that something you need to know? Is that something important to

know? Is that something important to you? Is that something you care about or

you? Is that something you care about or is that something you should care about?

So begin your question with is it poses a question for them that they now have to respond and most of the time the answer is going to be no >> or if you need to turn that into a

statement and it could be something as that's not something you should know >> as simple as that. I feel like when it comes to an inappropriate question the more inappropriate the more room you

have to turn that question into a a statement of saying that's that's an inappropriate question.

>> I love that that's an inappropriate question. I just that's such a like

question. I just that's such a like straightforward way of responding. Um

but then sometimes it can be a statement that is offensive but doesn't leave you really any room. So I'd love to know how again we get this a lot. Why haven't you

put on weight?

>> Anytime they get questions about their exterior um what I like to recommend is that they own it. Whatever it is they need to love

own it. Whatever it is they need to love on themselves. So, whenever somebody

on themselves. So, whenever somebody gets a question about weight, their appearance, my recommendation is for them to own it to. So, hey, it looks like you've been put on some weight.

Yeah, I I've been hoping so. I think I look awesome. I love how I look. It's

look awesome. I love how I look. It's

just owning it.

>> Yeah. Oh, I love that. It's so hard though. I was 19 years old and I was

though. I was 19 years old and I was known to be very skinny like as a kid and then I had blossomed and my body started to change and I put on weight

and my roommate's mother walked past me and was like, "Wow, you got so fat."

>> I remember this to that day to this day.

>> Um I've had an unhealthy relationship with food. A lot of those comments can

with food. A lot of those comments can not just be a jab. It can be something that you remember for the rest of your life and your identity gets built on it.

But sometimes it can be so damn hurtful that you take it personally. You really

take it to heart.

>> And do you see how even in a little instance like that, maybe she didn't mean it, but you took it a lot differently. And so in that, just that

differently. And so in that, just that scenario can prove that it hurts and you carry it as much as you decide that it hurts and how much you want to carry.

And so even when you say, "Well, I've remembered it forever." Well, that wasn't her choice. It was yours. And so

every time it's that ability to say, "Okay, well, if I have the choice to remember this, I also have the choice to let it go.

>> I'm going to pause for a second >> because >> thank you. You metaphorically just slapped me around the face and I love it."

it." >> And I I really mean that. Like I I I think sometimes wakeup calls are great.

>> Um I'm such a person of growth and evolution and it's clearly something that has stuck with me because I just said it on this show, right? I mean,

this was when I was 18. And so, thank you for being that honest. I always want that hard truth, even if it's hard to hear. So, putting the onus on me

hear. So, putting the onus on me >> is a beautiful gift you've just given me. Thank you for that.

me. Thank you for that.

>> Yeah, of course.

>> Still got a few more though. Ready?

Let's keep going.

>> What about deflecting blame with sarcasm as a example? Sorry, I guess I just can't do anything right.

>> Yeah. When you want to handle a passive aggressive comment, often what I like to say is you need to start your response with sounds like or seems like. Sounds

like there's more to that.

Chris Voss has an awesome line that I love and it says seems like you had a reason for saying that.

>> Sounds like you have a reason for saying that. It just kind of calls them out of,

that. It just kind of calls them out of, hey, you're not you're not coming out of the gate. You're not being uh open with

the gate. You're not being uh open with this. And uh I like Sounds like there's

this. And uh I like Sounds like there's more to that. That's probably one of my favorite go-tos is sounds like there's more to that because they'll they'll share almost always. Another one that I

like to um use with passive aggressive people is should I read into that?

>> I do that a lot with texts.

>> Oh, >> should I read into that? And almost

every time you'll get a very clear answer of, "Oh, no, no, no, no. I just I I was just texting and I know I was reading the context in it, but often it's should I read into that? that

shortness that uh it's a weird word that you threw in there.

>> But going to what you just said that most people go, "Oh no, no, no, no, no."

Yeah, >> that's all I most of the time I assume that's BS. They actually do mean

that's BS. They actually do mean something >> sometimes. Yes. But the but that the

>> sometimes. Yes. But the but that the point is you called it out, >> right? Okay. So So the fact that they're

>> right? Okay. So So the fact that they're backing off, you don't then proceed. You

just back off as well, do you? I go

actually a little harder recently. So

passive aggressiveness for me was such a trigger cuz I was like, I don't know how like it feels like they're insinuating something but not quite saying it. And

then if I bring it up, I used to be then say, "Oh, you're being paranoid." Like

it's all you and so the blame keeps coming back to you. So then that makes you not speak up when someone's being passive aggressive. I realize that

passive aggressive. I realize that doesn't help. I feel like that is a bit

doesn't help. I feel like that is a bit of a bullying technique.

>> Um and so I started to call people on it by saying like, "What do you mean by that statement?"

that statement?" >> Yes.

>> And then they would back off and I'm like, "But what did you mean?" Like no, no, no, no. But what did you actually mean?

>> Yeah. you like to take it further >> only because I have noticed and I would love you're the professional so I want to know your opinion but only because I noticed it doesn't eliminate the problem they're just going to be snide and

passive aggressive in a different way next time. So do you advise to not then

next time. So do you advise to not then keep going?

>> Yeah, depends. I mean, I think that um I like to view it as if there's like a two negatives of a magnet like I'm I'm just showing you right now when I say

something like um it sounds like there's more to that and you kind of go away and then me said no no really you go ahead and tell me what did you mean by that?

What did you mean by that? When I I mean now I'm starting to now I'm starting to come on. uh when they said something

come on. uh when they said something passive aggressive for a reason, it just wasn't didn't feel comfortable to them.

And you pressing more more is not going to make them feel more comfortable. And

what you want is them to open up, not clam up. And so often you you could even

clam up. And so often you you could even use it as sounds like there's something for us to talk about.

>> Um for example, we talked about in text, somebody sends a text and didn't make sense to you and you you decided it was a rude text. If you even responded, did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you

mean for that to sound short? I use that a lot. Did you mean for that to sound

a lot. Did you mean for that to sound short? They go, "No, no, no. I didn't

short? They go, "No, no, no. I didn't

mean that." Let's say they did, like you said, they really did want that to sound short. And then you start to press, "No,

short. And then you start to press, "No, no. I want to know like, so what did you

no. I want to know like, so what did you really mean by it? If you didn't say that, what did you mean?"

>> It's it's going to make them feel like they're backed into a corner. And nobody

backed into to a corner wants to open up more. It's it's going to fight or

more. It's it's going to fight or flight. Often, it's much better to say,

flight. Often, it's much better to say, "Okay, mental note. Let me bring this up at a time that we can talk and have real space and dialogue on it.

>> That's so good. It didn't really feel right in my body when I was doing it, but it definitely felt like I was um having my own back. I'm such a goal oriented person. It's like what am I

oriented person. It's like what am I trying to get to? What's the goal? And

then how do I get there? And you talk about that a lot in your book. It's like

know the goal of the conversation first.

How often do we not know the goal and we just go into something and then when we leave the conversation, we never actually end up getting what we want.

>> Exactly. I I'll even give you a sentence that I've used many many times and you're going to love the next time this happens >> is you're going to respond, I love to talk about it.

>> And what you're saying is no, this topic right here, let's keep let's keep going on it. And that's passive aggressive

on it. And that's passive aggressive people don't like that because they're getting called out, but if you were to even respond, I'd like to talk more about it. Happy to talk more about it.

about it. Happy to talk more about it.

What you're sending is two things. One,

I'm addressing what you're saying without responding to the passive aggressiveness. And the other side is

aggressiveness. And the other side is I'm showing you here that we have an open window to actually have some dialogue that it's going to be their decision to walk through that door or not. If there's one thing that I

not. If there's one thing that I personally struggle with, it's feeling defensive. It's natural, but it's also

defensive. It's natural, but it's also the number one killer of conversation.

If you feel defensive, you shut everybody off. And if they feel

everybody off. And if they feel defensive, they're not going to listen to anything else you have to say. On

today's episode, it's all about how do you handle defensiveness? If there's one thing about defensiveness, it's that it's so easy to do. It's just

biological. It's natural because anything that you perceive as a threat or a challenge, you fight against. It is

natural as part of your fight or flight.

On any argument that you're going to have, there are two sides. There is an ignition side and a cooling side of it.

And that ignition is triggered by things that trigger you. So anytime somebody challenges your opinion or disagrees

with you, your body perceives that as a threat that says, "I don't like that."

Somebody gives you an opinion and you disagree, your body says, "I don't like that." Somebody's telling you what to

that." Somebody's telling you what to do, your body goes, I don't really like that. So every time that happens, there

that. So every time that happens, there is a desire to push back against it. If

somebody's telling you you need to go do this, you automatically want to go, "No, I don't." If somebody says, "Well, you

I don't." If somebody says, "Well, you were behaving this way last night. You

were in a bad mood last night." You

automatically want to go, "No, I wasn't." Who are you to tell me how I

wasn't." Who are you to tell me how I was or how I'm feeling or what to do? We

preserve that element of autonomy within ourselves. And so anytime you feel

ourselves. And so anytime you feel defensiveness, it is just so reactionary and it's nearly impossible to stop from the get-go. But there are some tips and

the get-go. But there are some tips and techniques that I'm going to give you to make sure that you know how to handle it in the moment. Number one, to keep yourself from getting defensive. Let

their words fall to the ground. This is

what I mean. In case you forgot, other people's words are not your responsibility to carry. It's not tennis or volleyball. You don't have to throw

or volleyball. You don't have to throw anything back. So instead, you're just

anything back. So instead, you're just going to take a breath, imagine that their words fall to the ground, and you get to decide whether to pick them up or just leave them there. And you're going to find more often than not, you just

want to leave them there. Number two,

get rid of beginning your sentence with you. When it comes to responding in an

you. When it comes to responding in an argument, the word you is very triggering because it's you telling them what to do, how they should behave, what they need to say, what they need to do, and they're going to get defensive. So

instead of you, we're going to tweak that to start with I. When you start with I, it's not nearly as triggering.

Number three, you're going to use phrases that help dampen defensive responses. Responses like, I agree,

responses. Responses like, I agree, that's something that we should consider. Or, that's helpful for me to

consider. Or, that's helpful for me to know. Thank you. When you use those

know. Thank you. When you use those phrases, it's telling them that they're getting acknowledged and they're not going to get defensive. What I try to do when somebody tells me something and I

can tell that I'm getting defensive, I try and imagine like what they just told me was a piano note. All right? You ever

heard somebody just hit one key on the piano and they just leave their finger there and you just let that note sustain is what they call it. You let that note just end by itself to where it

eventually just falls. It drops. The

note is no longer heard. it. That's how

I imagine it. So, when somebody says something that I don't like, instead of having this very reactionary response, this very defensive response that I know

is not worth my energy and time, I picture in my mind that it has fallen.

The the word just fell out of their mouth and they're on the ground. And I

get to look at them and go, "Is this worth my time? Is this worth my energy?"

often when I start to get involved in it and I start to pick it up, I tell myself this phrase, what I use, small talks, and that is I tell myself, "Put it down,

Jefferson. Put it down, Jefferson. It's

Jefferson. Put it down, Jefferson. It's

not worth your time. What are you doing?

Put it down." I I say those things to myself and it helps me. It controls my emotions when I can inject my breath, let my breath be the first thing that I

say, and have that slow reaction and go, you know what? No, I don't have to send that back. I don't have to hit that back

that back. I don't have to hit that back over the net. I don't have to take a swing at this. Just let it go by.

There's there's not an umpire. Just let

them have a bad pitch. They threw a ball. So what? You don't swing at them.

ball. So what? You don't swing at them.

You don't swing at those. So when I have that kind of mentality, it it helps me in a very specific way because defensive

behavior is just biological. It is in innate within every one of us that we naturally want to defend things. We want

to defend uh our intelligence. We want

to um defend our credibility. We want to defend our own ideas and opinions. And

when somebody is conflicting with those, we want to put our wall up, to put our shield up to protect that. That's why so often when you start to say things and you can tell somebody's fighting and

fighting and fighting, they are defending against their own ideas. They

are protecting their house, so to speak.

That's why that whole idea of having something to learn instead of something to prove, having something that's open rather than something that's pointing at them is going to open up the dialogue so

much better and not going to have these defensive reactions. So, anytime that

defensive reactions. So, anytime that somebody tells you something and you start to feel that tension in your body that's preparing you for that fight or flight, just imagine that their words

are falling to the ground. You're going

to take a few seconds and decide for yourself, is this something I need to respond to? And in truth, it's a cycle,

respond to? And in truth, it's a cycle, what I call a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I say something and they get defensive, well, more often than not, they're going to say something back and then I'm going to get defensive and all of a sudden we're just saying things that are hurting each other. We both

have our walls up. When it comes to defensive behavior, one of the worst things you can do is begin your sentence with you. If I were to tell you right

with you. If I were to tell you right now, you seem like you're in a bad mood.

Or if I were just to be very blunt, you're in a bad mood.

Most likely you're going to disagree with me or you're going to correct me or you're going to adjust what I just told you. You're going to say, "No, no, I'm

you. You're going to say, "No, no, I'm not." Or, "Well, no, I'm just I'm

not." Or, "Well, no, I'm just I'm irritated right now." You're not going to accept that I said you're in a bad mood because you is assump

assumptionbased. It is trying to tell

assumptionbased. It is trying to tell somebody what they're doing, what they need to be doing. Uh, you're not listening to me. It gets people defensive because what they want to say

is, "Yes, I am. I am listening to you versus me saying I feel like you're not listening to me. I feel like I'm not being heard. When you change you to I,

being heard. When you change you to I, it's not nearly as defensive because I'm not assuming that you're doing anything.

If I were to say you don't even care.

You don't care. Automatically you're

going to what you're thinking inside is yes, I am. I I do care. People don't

like to be told that they are something or they feel a certain way or they're doing something. We don't like that. So,

doing something. We don't like that. So,

when you just easily turn it from instead of begin your sentence with you, change it to I, change it to I. It's

just it's that easy. I I can't make it any more simple than that. When

somebody's getting defensive, the most likely culprit is because you started a sentence with you. I'm also

guilty of that. All right. Anytime that

somebody's getting in defensive in an argument with me or a conversation, I can go back in my mind and go, I I started that sentence with you. I

shouldn't have done that. When I

rephrase it with an I and say, "Hey, can I can I start over?" I feel like I I wasn't heard. I'm beginning with I. And

wasn't heard. I'm beginning with I. And

it's going to smooth it out a whole lot better. So, easiest transition here is

better. So, easiest transition here is anytime you say something to keep somebody from getting defensive, instead of you, just replace it with I instead of you can't talk to me like that. It's

I don't respond to that volume. I don't

respond to that tone. You make it about you yourself as a saying, I I feel this way and take it away from that other person and they're not going to get defensive. Now, I also want to make sure

defensive. Now, I also want to make sure that I equip you with some phrases that are going to help dampen defensive behavior. If you're already in that

behavior. If you're already in that argument and things are already going and you go, "Oh man, I I really need to just calm things down for a second."

Here are some phrases that I want you to use real quick. One of my favorites is beginning your sentence with I agree.

Now, listen to me. I'm not saying that you're agreeing with what they said. All

right? Instead, you're just agreeing that the discussion needs to be had.

Instead of thinking micro, go macro. So,

if somebody's communicating, instead of saying getting all defensive and arguing with them, I can just say, "I agree that this is worth discussing." You feel automatically that's just going to

settle the conversation. It's going to smooth it out. They're going to lower their voice, lower their tone. The

spikes are going to be as pointy. Just

say, "Hey, I I agree. We need to talk about this." Simple as that. Begin your

about this." Simple as that. Begin your

sentence with, "I agree. I agree that this subject is worth discussing." You

hear how different that is? They're

going to feel acknowledged like, "Okay, this is I I'm not having to fight. I

don't have to fight and put put up all the spikes all the time." Another that I like to use is that's helpful to know.

Tell them that they've been helpful. And

when somebody feels like they've been helpful, it feels like they're involved in their own mutual understanding that they have helped uh teach you things.

That's why I also like using the phrase what I've learned by listening to you right now. I've I've learned I have some

right now. I've I've learned I have some work to do or I've learned that this topic is really important to you. That's

one I've used often. I've learned that this topic is is important to you. just

by them hearing I've learned, they feel like they've taught something and it's going to lower it's going to lower all the walls because now they feel like they're on the same playing field. They

don't have to continue to pick up their sword and fight and cut and slash to defend their property, defend their own ideas and opinions. Instead, when you

use these phrases like, "I agree this is worth talking about or that's helpful for me to know or I've I've learned that this is important to you." Those are all going to quickly put out a lot of fires

for you.

>> What if you're with somebody who I used it earlier, but I want to go a little bit deeper. They pick on you.

They kind of gnaw at you a little bit.

You know, everything is almost um passive aggressive in the way they say things and you find yourself almost being put down subtly when you

communicate with this person. And I find this an awful lot lately with couples that are friends of mine, married couples. There's this subtle dynamic

couples. There's this subtle dynamic where they both are a little bit passive aggressive with one another and the way they communicate and I I feel empathy for the one that I think is the one

receiving most of the aggression. Is

there something you can do when you feel like someone's communicating with you that way? Is there a phraseiology or a

that way? Is there a phraseiology or a or a strategy for that?

>> Let's separate into two different categories. So, one, let's say, is kind

categories. So, one, let's say, is kind of this more uh just passive aggressive bucket. The other is let's ramp it up to

bucket. The other is let's ramp it up to somebody being a little bit more overtly disrespectful, rude. So, in this first bucket, this

rude. So, in this first bucket, this passive aggressive, these are people that most likely just have grown up that way. This is what they saw mirrored uh

way. This is what they saw mirrored uh conversation and arguments throughout their life and they don't know how to express that kind of thing. So when they slide in that negative comment that you

know there's something to that a simple question of like should I read into that or is there more to that or I and this goes for Chris Foss a dear friend and he

I love his his question is sounds like you have a reason for saying that. I

love that phrase. I I also love sounds like there's more to that. So, anytime

you can just quickly ask, "Sounds like there's more to that or ask them," should I read into that? That tends to draw out the passive aggressiveness because they're not expecting you to

kind of call them to the floor. On the

flip side, if somebody is saying more aggressive things towards you, my recommendation is begin your question with, "Did you mean did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you say that to

embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt

embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt my feelings?

uh did you say that to offend me? It

when you say did you mean it is twofold.

One, it's giving them the grace of perhaps they said it in a way they did not mean and it's going to allow them to fix it. Like uh at least with me and my

fix it. Like uh at least with me and my wife, if we're texting and something seems like it's off, instead of it saying, you know, why are you being so short? What's wrong?

short? What's wrong?

>> Yeah. Yeah. the question. I ask the question, did you mean for that to sound short?

>> Instantly, almost every time >> my, you know, it is like the, "Oh, no, no, no, no. Sorry. I'm picking up the kids or I, you know, I was checking out the grocery store. I getting gas."

>> You know, you you get that that K or okay, and you're like, "Oh, okay. I

guess I guess they hate me right now."

All right. Like, I guess they're in a mood. And then you naturally get in a

mood. And then you naturally get in a mood. And then you respond defensively,

mood. And then you respond defensively, which causes them to respond offensively. And now you're convinced.

offensively. And now you're convinced.

you've convinced yourself you're under attack. So, it's this um this feedback

attack. So, it's this um this feedback loop that's not helpful to you. So, when

you begin with did you mean it's a great way to set somebody to one give them that grace of fixing it, but two, it's calling attention to what they were wanting to do. Did you say that to to

embarrass me? Did you say that to to

embarrass me? Did you say that to to offend me? It is uh or did you mean for

offend me? It is uh or did you mean for that to sound rude? like that is a very quick way to address it out in the open and if they're going to double down on it or not.

>> Will you do that in re by the way, this is so good. Will you do that in reverse if you feel that what you've said has been misinterpreted? In other words, if

been misinterpreted? In other words, if you feel like you're I do this better in business than I do personal life to be honest with you. In personal life, I think I just let everything out the window that I know that are tools, which is so stupid. When it comes to business,

I'm pretty good at this. with friends

and family, I devolve into the most emotionally immature person sometimes.

But so let's say we have gone back and forth and maybe I've said something the other way that they're hurt by. Will

you slow a conversation down, for example, and say something like, "What did you hear me say?" How will you handle that if the person is now coming back at you for something they believe you said that's passive aggressive or

demeaning or rude?

>> Awesome question. This happens all the time, especially in relationships, but I'd say even wor too, when somebody tells you something. You've been in that situation where somebody is going, "That's not what you said. You said

this." And they kind of give a voice that doesn't even sound like your voice and gives a >> intonation and and you're like, "I didn't even say it like that." And all of a sudden now you're going, "That's not what I said. I didn't say it like

that." You're just pushing what you

that." You're just pushing what you thought you conveyed. And nine times out of ten it is inaccurate because what is said is not always what's received. So

instead of this that's not what I said.

Um you are going to ask the question what did you hear? What did you hear?

Because now it's not about what I am putting out. I am now getting curious of

putting out. I am now getting curious of what you heard because that's what matters. anytime you had that kind of

matters. anytime you had that kind of confrontation or that miscommunication instead of going, "No, no, no, no, that's not what that's not what I said."

And kind of dismissing their whole experience or their perspective. Uh, by

the way, it's very hard to to judge.

It's like making your own movie but not having an audience and going, "No, no, that's not how the movie goes." It's

like nobody else has seen it. Only

you're the one who thinks it's that way.

So, when you ask the question, "What did you hear?" and they explain it, that's

you hear?" and they explain it, that's when you can say, "That was not my intent." or I apologize for that

intent." or I apologize for that impression. Or I would recommend is

impression. Or I would recommend is begin your sentence with I can see like I can see how you'd feel that way. I can

see how that come off.

>> You know, whenever you say um you know I I can see why you'd feel that way. I can

see why uh that would upset you. That I

can see just says, hey, I took a second to walk over to where you're standing and I turn to look the same way that you're looking and I can confirm. Yeah.

What you see is reasonable. What you see is justified. You know what? That makes

is justified. You know what? That makes

sense. I can see that. That right there just goes. It naturally takes down the

just goes. It naturally takes down the aggression. This I have to win. You have

aggression. This I have to win. You have

to see it what I see. Anytime you can do that and use words of perspective, uh like view, perspective, see. Um that is going to help somebody go, "Oh, I feel

heard. Oh, I feel understood." And by

heard. Oh, I feel understood." And by that, they're going to be more receptive to the progress. If you want to change your life for the better, well, this is one of the best ways to do it. On

today's episode, we're talking how to respond with confidence. If you want to sound more confident, do this. Number

one, eliminate the fluff. Eliminate the

fluff. You know what I'm talking about.

Fluff is that kind of Well, I mean, you know, it's it's just this um it's just this I mean, you know, it's it's um uh fluff. Fluff that absolutely kills the

fluff. Fluff that absolutely kills the confidence in your responses. Number

two, we're going to work on uptalk. That

is where you begin to increase in the tone of your voice. Almost like you're asking a question. Instead of saying something like this, it sounds kind of like this. At the end of your sentences,

like this. At the end of your sentences, they uptalk. And that's not good because

they uptalk. And that's not good because it makes it sound like everything you're saying is a question, like you're uncertain about it. And number three, we're going to work on word choice. That

means we're going to eliminate ending your sentences with, you know what I mean? We're going to eliminate using the

mean? We're going to eliminate using the word just all the time and we're going to minimize your reliance on adverbs.

Those are words that end in ly.

Literally. Now, I want to be clear.

There is a difference between talking to friends and talking in a professional setting. Period. When you're talking to

setting. Period. When you're talking to people that are close to you, who cares about fluff words? If you are fumbling over your words and you're saying um and

you know and uh I mean well maybe you know anytime you're saying that to a friend, no problem. It's casual. It's

comfortable. It's part of the conversation. But if you're talking in a

conversation. But if you're talking in a professional setting, maybe at work, maybe in front of uh an important group, do you hear I just said that? in uh an

important group, then it's not that not great for you because it makes it sound as if you are uncertain, like you're hesitant, like you're not sure what you're wanting to say. But in regular

conversation, it's it's part of the game. Now, about fluff, fluff comes in

game. Now, about fluff, fluff comes in all shapes and sizes, and I want you to think about it as if it is static. It's

a filler. They call them filler words. I

like to say fluff. Um, they also are ways of thinking about it of too much ice in your drink because they dilute your message. If you want to sound

your message. If you want to sound confident, you got to serve your words straight. So, when you begin a sentence

straight. So, when you begin a sentence in front of a group, they ask you a question and it's you're on the spot to respond and the first thing out of your

mouth is um, that's very common. They

ask you a question and the first thing you want to say is um uh well uh automatically that confidence and how you sound just tinks because

you're not communicating. You're just

wanting to make sound out. That's really

what it is. We feel comfortable when we're have this constant soundwave.

Whenever there's the constant just noise, whether it's actual words being articulated or not, we just like hearing that that sound. So that's why it comes out that way. if they somebody askked me

a question and I go um you know well I mean it it it depends you you know you see how vague that is versus you ask me a question and the first thing uh that I

say is I haven't run across that before I think it depends on a number of factors and I begin to speak very different same goal I'm telling them I've never run across that before very

different sound so you want to find ways to eliminate that fluff and how you do It is very simple. It's very simple.

Okay, enough. It's so simple. You're

going to be like, Jefferson, I I knew this. But are you doing it? The question

this. But are you doing it? The question

here is, do you know how to eliminate that fluff? And you do it by saying

that fluff? And you do it by saying nothing. Wherever the fluff would be,

nothing. Wherever the fluff would be, just get used to silence.

It's that easy. Get comfortable with silence. That's it. You just get

silence. That's it. You just get comfortable with silence. So, wherever

that filler word would be, say nothing.

The way I teach, and I know I've said this on my podcast before, let your breath be the first word that you say.

So, when somebody asks you a question that you don't know, the worst thing you can do is go um and look up as if you're searching for the words. Instead, take a

breath, let that silence be there, and then you get to respond. You don't have to have just noise for the sake of noise. Give it a pause and fill that

noise. Give it a pause and fill that space with absolute nothing. allow your

breath to catch the attention for them to hang on to your next words for you to say I haven't run across that before but what I am confident about is we can look at X Y and Z that's how you handle fluff

now upt talk is a little bit different and I find that it is very dependent on gender most of the time or men don't really have this issue but

women do it's a it's an uptalk uh just because of the way you can tweak the end and sound of your voice, but it certainly happens to to guys, too. I

don't want to say it's just a female thing or a male thing at all. It's not.

But it it sounds like this when you have that people who are in the office and they're talking to you and they go, "Yeah, I think I can do that. I mean,

yeah, we can probably get it to you by Friday." Like as if you're hanging on to

Friday." Like as if you're hanging on to as if they're asking for permission in some way. When you say that and you

some way. When you say that and you sound like that, it cuts down on your confidence because it sounds like you're not sure. that sounds like you're

not sure. that sounds like you're unclear and you're asking for permission in some way. Think of it this way. This

is how I want you to say your words. Ask

as if you're asking someone to pass the salt. All right? Here over in America,

salt. All right? Here over in America, in Texas, if I'm going to ask somebody to pass the salt, I'm going to say, "Hey, so and so, can you pass the salt?"

Period. You see how my my volume, excuse me, my my tone there at the the end went down? Can you pass the salt? So when you

down? Can you pass the salt? So when you end on a lower note, it sounds more serious. You see that? And instead of

serious. You see that? And instead of saying it sounds more serious, it sounds more serious. When you uptalk, it sounds

more serious. When you uptalk, it sounds like you're asking a question. When you

go down, it sounds like you're making a firm statement. So I wouldn't say, "Hey,

firm statement. So I wouldn't say, "Hey, can you pass the salt?" as if I don't know what salt is or you don't know what salt is. Instead, I say, "Can you pass

salt is. Instead, I say, "Can you pass the salt?" as if I'm assuming, "Yes,

the salt?" as if I'm assuming, "Yes, everybody knows what it is. I'm going to keep that that cadence flat. And if I can drop the tone just a little bit at the bottom to make it sound a lot more firm and a lot more confident. All

right, this one is uh this one's going to step on some toes a little bit. This

is word choice. Word choice. What are

the words that you're saying to sound confident at any given time? One of the biggest culprits in my view is ending

your sentence with something that doesn't feel burn. Does that make sense?

There it is. right there. This element

of does that make sense? Every time you ask that question, you're doing something that is double-sided. Let me

explain. If I'm going to tell you something and I make a statement, I say, "Does that make sense?" I'm doing two things. The reason I'm saying that,

things. The reason I'm saying that, reason you may be saying that is because it's this internal fear or insecurity of

maybe the words that I'm saying aren't actually making sense to someone.

They're not clear. I'm not I'm not communicating well. On the other side,

communicating well. On the other side, I'm assuming that what I am saying may or may not be making sense to them. So

the other person it could also be offensive in some way to them especially if you make it after a statement that is very common like I mean the sky is blue

today. Does that make sense? The other

today. Does that make sense? The other

person's like oh yeah of course of course it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah it

makes sense. You just it was a plain sentence. There's nothing complicated

sentence. There's nothing complicated about that. So in some ways you may be

about that. So in some ways you may be insulting their intelligence by saying does that make sense? You you poor pitiful mind. you does does that do I

pitiful mind. you does does that do I need to go a little bit slower for you?

So, I'm not saying it's all the time, but it definitely runs that risk. I've

certainly had it where somebody asks, "Does that make sense?" after a statement where I only say, "Yes, yes, that that makes sense. How how else could I have taken that sentence?" But I

know where it's coming from is this insecurity feeling of am I saying it right? Am I doing okay? It's best that

right? Am I doing okay? It's best that you eliminate that. All right? Instead

of saying, "Does that make sense?" You

can replace that with what are your thoughts? That's it. What are your

thoughts? That's it. What are your thoughts? Do you have any questions? Do

thoughts? Do you have any questions? Do

you have any feedback? My favorite is what are your thoughts? Instead of,

"Does that make sense?" I'm saying, "What are your thoughts?" I'm inviting communication. I'm inviting continuing

communication. I'm inviting continuing the conversation instead of, "Do we need to stop and set a new paragraph for you to feel comfortable with this?" I'm

inviting them. What are your thoughts?

What do you think? That's it. They might

say, "I'm I'm good. I don't have any thoughts. That sounds great. Awesome.

thoughts. That sounds great. Awesome.

But at least I'm not assuming that they didn't understand what I said if I said, "Does that make sense?" So, I would get rid of that. Just replace it with what are your thoughts. Another way to tweak

some of your communication to sound more confident is eliminate the word just. I

love the word just in my regular day conversation. It's very common. But if

conversation. It's very common. But if

I'm going to communicate in front of a group, try to eliminate it. Or if you're going to email somebody, try to eliminate it. Hear the difference. If I

eliminate it. Hear the difference. If I

text you or email or I say to you, "Hey, uh, I just wanted to check in. I just

want to touch base." That sounds almost hesitant, doesn't it? Hey, just want to check in. That sounds almost hesitant

check in. That sounds almost hesitant versus, "Hey, I wanted to check in on you. I wanted to touch base. That sounds

you. I wanted to touch base. That sounds

like I'm leaning into it. I'm not shying away. I'm stepping into it. I wanted to

away. I'm stepping into it. I wanted to do this versus hey, I I just wanted to as if I'm just a little bit don't I'm not trying to get in your space. Very

different. Eliminate that word just because it makes you sound more hesitant in your communication and and that's that's not the way you you want to sound. Another is the way you use

sound. Another is the way you use adverbs. I'm going to step on a little

adverbs. I'm going to step on a little bit of toes here with with this. And

that is often when you overuse adverbs, it makes it more fluffy to where they're really not saying anything. We all have these little ticks that we like to say.

Maybe we got them from family. Maybe we

got them from friends or where wherever you're working, but they cut down on the confidence and assertiveness of your sentences. So, here's some words like

sentences. So, here's some words like that. Essentially, big culprit.

that. Essentially, big culprit.

Literally those two alone basically anything that ends with l y here is a very common response when somebody is responding to something or a answering a

question that you're asking they're going to say. So essentially I mean what we have is that means nothing. That

means nothing. It's just it's just fluff. Those are comfort words. Those

fluff. Those are comfort words. Those

are security blankets that you like to have. It's going to be best if you

have. It's going to be best if you eliminate those. There's not some kind

eliminate those. There's not some kind of cure. You just need to find ways to

of cure. You just need to find ways to get rid of them. If you ever see an email that says essentially or basically or literally or any other type of words,

understand you can just eliminate them and they're going to be a whole lot better. Remember, if you want to have

better. Remember, if you want to have strong sentences, you need to just serve your words straight every time. If you

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