i can't stop comparing myself and it's suffocating me

There is something in my life that I have not been able to escape. Have not

been able to outgrow. Have not been able to logic my way through and that is comparison. Comparing my life to someone

comparison. Comparing my life to someone else's. The cycle has been running since

else's. The cycle has been running since I was old enough to notice that other people existed. Some weeks I barely feel

people existed. Some weeks I barely feel it, but other weeks I feel it literally suffocating me. The mind is its own

suffocating me. The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell a hell of heaven. I think Milton was being generous. The mind mostly

makes a hell.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I

have been struggling with comparison these days. The trap of comparison

these days. The trap of comparison really is cyclical for me. I definitely

notice it when I'm going through lower points in my life. When I have lower self-esteem, when I'm just overall not feeling great about myself, the points where I'm already feeling down, when I'm feeling behind. And what do I do in

feeling behind. And what do I do in those moments? Instead of, I don't know,

those moments? Instead of, I don't know, maybe taking a walk, getting a coffee, talking to someone, I scroll. I scroll.

I scroll. I scroll. Watch these girls live the life that I want. And I feel absolutely [ __ ] about myself. And the

worse the feeling gets, the more I scroll.

Growing up, I was obsessed with fashion week. When I first moved to New York, I

week. When I first moved to New York, I was so excited. I was like, "This is my chance, my opportunity to really break into the fashion industry." And as my first fashion week rolled around, I just

like felt [ __ ] I think fashion week in it of itself is a week of comparison really. You're comparing yourself to

really. You're comparing yourself to who's getting invited to what shows, who's getting dressed by what designers.

This is like very obviously a first world problems, very out of touch and very not relatable. But I think it was like my first taste of a life that I dreamed of growing up as a kid. You

know, all I wanted was to feel like I made it. I barely got invited to any

made it. I barely got invited to any shows throughout the week. I would just scroll online and see all these people getting invited to these really insane shows and just feel absolutely [ __ ] about myself. And I think I would beat

about myself. And I think I would beat myself up. I'm just like not good

myself up. I'm just like not good enough. And I think I also feel this a

enough. And I think I also feel this a lot with friendships. And I know this is a super common feeling. Feeling like you don't have as many friends as you should. Moving to New York and having a

should. Moving to New York and having a friend group felt like the ultimate 20's dream. And not having that and single

dream. And not having that and single people have that online was so hard. The

cliche about comparison is that you shouldn't do it. The highlight reel is not your behind the scenes. Comparison

is a thief of joy. Just block the people who make you feel bad. Like, this is the most standard advice. And honestly, it's good advice. Like, if this advice was

good advice. Like, if this advice was easy to follow, I would stop comparing myself. But I've been sitting with a

myself. But I've been sitting with a different question. What if comparison

different question. What if comparison wasn't actually the problem? Because

this is what I noticed when I started watching myself do it. Comparison is not actually pointing at the thing that other people have. It's pointing at the gap of the life that I'm living and the life that I had decided I was supposed

to be living. That is what comparison is. Grief for the imagined life. And the

is. Grief for the imagined life. And the

worst part is the imagined life is the one that I wrote. Nobody handed to me.

Somehow have in the past 23 years drafted this idea in my life of the life that I should be living. Which raises a question. If the script is something I

question. If the script is something I wrote, then what is actually in it? How

do I know what I've been grading myself against? And I feel like the answer is

against? And I feel like the answer is in plain sight. You just have to look at who you compare yourself to.

You compare yourself to a very specific person. The girl who is just one step

person. The girl who is just one step further along than you. The friend doing the same thing, just slightly more successful. It's like the version of you

successful. It's like the version of you that you almost are. The version of you that is just within reach. I don't

compare myself to like Beyonce. I don't

compare myself to the freaking king of England. I don't even compare myself to

England. I don't even compare myself to Nepo babies. The comparisons that

Nepo babies. The comparisons that actually sting are always somewhat plausible. It's the life within reach.

plausible. It's the life within reach.

They are always with people that you've decided on some level you could have been. Which means that comparison is not

been. Which means that comparison is not necessarily a malfunction. It's not

necessarily a bad thing. It's more so a map. It's showing you what you secretly

map. It's showing you what you secretly believe in is within reach for you. The

whole feeling [ __ ] about yourself is information about your own self-conception. The fact that I never

self-conception. The fact that I never compare myself to Nobel Prize winners is information. And the fact that I compare

information. And the fact that I compare myself to these Instagram girls that go to fashion shows is also information. I

compare myself to lives that are just adjacent to mine. But knowing the map doesn't stop a comparison. I read a book a couple months ago called Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankle. And I'm

sure many of you guys have read it. It's

super super popular. But there's this one quote in there that I wanted to read. Between stimulus and response,

read. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our

response lies our growth and our freedom. People quote this a lot. The

freedom. People quote this a lot. The

standard reading is you choose how to respond to what happens to you. Be

grateful. Stay positive. Choose joy. But

I think that reading is a little bit too narrow. When I try to actually apply to

narrow. When I try to actually apply to comparison, I realize something a little bit strange. The comparison is already a

bit strange. The comparison is already a response. By the time I feel [ __ ] about

response. By the time I feel [ __ ] about the front row fashion seat girl, I've already written a story about her and myself in my mind. She got chosen. I did

not. This says something about me and that's a verdict. This story that was written just happens in like a millisecond. The stimulus is the image

millisecond. The stimulus is the image and the story is a response. The story

had been written by the time I could feel the feeling. So the space that Frankle is pointing at is not the space after the feeling where you decide to be grateful or whatever. It's a space before the story sets. The half a second

where your brain is going to write she was chosen. I was not. So she's better

was chosen. I was not. So she's better than me. and you can interrupt it.

than me. and you can interrupt it.

That is the gap. That is where growth and freedom lies. It's not choosing how to feel about the story, but it's in catching the story before it becomes a fact about your life. This is basically

as far as I got with my research into how to actually overcome comparison. Do

I love this advice? No. The worst

response to comparison is nothing. It's

to do nothing and feel absolute [ __ ] about yourself. And it's unfortunately

about yourself. And it's unfortunately the thing that I find myself falling back to the most. Life is determined by the stories that you tell yourself. You

can either tell yourself, "I'm such a fat [ __ ] chud and all these people are so much better than me." Or you can tell yourself, "Okay, I feel myself comparing to this person. What is it about this person or their life that I

want? Since this person was able to get

want? Since this person was able to get it, I'm able to get it. It's given me proof that what I want is possible. Now

I'm going to grind to get it and I'm going to get it."

I think something else that I want to say here is it's so easy to victimize yourself. It's so easy to live life as

yourself. It's so easy to live life as the victim, but I truly think that like you need to stop doing that. For so

long, I was playing the victim. I felt

like, oh, all these people are better than me. I felt like the world was

than me. I felt like the world was happening to me. But no, the world does not happen to you. You happen to the world. When you're feeling down, the

world. When you're feeling down, the best thing to do is to just have that sense of agency. You are in control of your life, your destiny, your journey.

If you aren't where you want to be and you're comparing yourself so much, it's in your power to change that. And it's

just really easy to fall into these cycles of self-pity. But when you do, you just need to like slap yourself, pull yourself out of it, give that tough love to yourself. Because if any one of

your friends or family said that about themselves, you would obviously tell them like, "Shut the [ __ ] up. That's

just not true." When we examine ourselves, it's so hard to have that optimism and have that like positive mindset and see the best in ourselves.

You know, everything is you versus you and you need to win.

The times when I compare myself the least is when I am living the life that I actually want to live. When I am pushing myself out of the comfort zone,

when I am doing harder things, when I'm challenging myself, when I'm working and I'm seeing progress, when I'm deeply engaged in creating in my relationships,

I am content with my life where I don't need external validation. I don't know if it's possible for comparison to disappear completely. But I think the

disappear completely. But I think the goal is to notice it, but not let it define your worth and your value. I want

you guys to know that I am right there with you figuring this out. not having

the answers. It's really hard when you don't feel like you're enough or you're doing enough or you're behind in life and everyone is just further along.

Ultimately, as Frankle said, use this as a space for growth and for freedom.

There is a glass on the table. Is it

half full or half empty? You've answered

this question a thousand times. But I

want to ask you this question and point it at something that actually matters.

There is a life on the table. yours. Is

it half full or half empty? Are you a loser or a winner? Are you a victim of what's happened to you or are you someone that survived it? Our lives are determined by the stories we tell

ourselves. What story are you telling

ourselves. What story are you telling yourself?