I hated every day I woke up...

I was dreading going to the rank every day. I did not want to be there and

day. I did not want to be there and [music] I felt like I was doing it against my own will. I skated every day when I was like 13, [music] 14. So, it

was a very abnormal childhood. At 14, I I hated skating. I started to hate it cuz I thought that that's where all my issues stem from. There was so many days where I would show up to the rank [music] and while warming up, I would

just start uncontrollably crying.

Especially as a kid, you know, you don't really know what you [music] want.

Skinning feels more like a responsibility or a burden even. 14 is

when I realized like I don't have a mind of my own. I just didn't have too [music] much freedom. I was set on a schedule that someone created for me.

Like my whole life was just skating.

[music] It takes time out of my life where I could be like at home with friends, family, and stuff like that. So

I started to think like why am I doing this? I have no input. And I just wanted

this? I have no input. And I just wanted to see my friends, my family. I was 16, homesick. Because I would move and I

homesick. Because I would move and I train in Italy. I'd train [music] in Colorado and I would just not be home very much. I would celebrate [music]

very much. I would celebrate [music] Christmas by myself. Like it was horrible. I was so tired. And I also

horrible. I was so tired. And I also skated [music] every day. When CO hit, that was my first day off. I didn't

realize I was so tired until I got that day off. This is what a [music] break

day off. This is what a [music] break feels like. And then I was like, I

feels like. And then I was like, I really like not skating. [music] So

that's when I was like, I got to call it quits right now. When I looked back at it, I was like, wow. I never made like a single decision. and I was just agreeing

single decision. and I was just agreeing to what everyone else around me was saying.

>> Yeah, it taking breaks are really important. But for me, it wasn't even

important. But for me, it wasn't even really a break. It was just shifting and doing something different, which I think is equally as important. When I quit, I decided I wouldn't compromise so much of

myself to [music] do something that I didn't want to do. I would never do that again. Like making sacrifices [music]

again. Like making sacrifices [music] for something I didn't think was worth it. I I was done a year before I quit. I

it. I I was done a year before I quit. I

I knew I wanted to be done way before I actually announced my retirement. I just

wanted to be living my life, not having to stress about anything, not having to [music] be tired all the time. Um, so

yeah, I I was like, I'm done with this.

I really protect my peace truly. And

it's hard to say no. Um, but for me, I've learned it's so important that I do say no to things. And I I say no a lot.

[laughter] and I don't really reply to a lot of I don't go online too much so it's [music] easy to block out that noise at the end of the day take some time for yourself

spend time alone I think I think it really helped me it was a crucial time in my life I was 16 [music] and college was coming up like I wanted to do so much the time off I spent I got

to explore so many different hobbies [music] >> and to gain new perspective you need to experience new things um it's really simple but it's hard to realize that

when you're kind of in a cycle um like a repetitive cycle. So when I stepped back

repetitive cycle. So when I stepped back and I did [music] I tried something new took a whole new life path.

>> I got to really understand who I was.

>> I gained a lot of clarity and sense of self.

>> Um also because I never had the chance to before you know I would just be at the rink all the time and like how can you really find out like who you are if you're not experiencing other things and

trying new things. I knew that [music] retirement was the only way for me to get out into the world and do more.

Great. It was so great. Like the world is my oyster type thing. Um and there was just so much possibility out there for me.

>> My memories from like back then when I skated, they're kind of like cloudy.

>> I definitely I blocked them out for sure.

>> I don't remember much or kind of what my mindset was to be honest.

>> Probably like cuz it was so bad. I just

didn't want to remember it. I guess I'm more present now. I guess last time I was constantly daydreaming about quitting and what life would be like if I wasn't an athlete. Every day was the

[music] same for me and I practice was so serious. Like I would cry after

so serious. Like I would cry after falling on every jump. Um like I wouldn't even step in the rank.

Honestly, I was lowkey a little bit traumatized. So I wouldn't I hated like

traumatized. So I wouldn't I hated like even being around like on [music] the same street as the rank. Like I stayed away.

>> I went skiing for the first time. It

[music] was January of 2024 in heavenly or something. It might have been. I

or something. It might have been. I

mean, it's really similar to figure skating. Your legs are tired. You're

skating. Your legs are tired. You're

cold. You're going really fast. And you

feel like a breeze [music] on your face.

Like to get down the mountain when your legs are that tired. It's hard. And you

have to kind of tap into the side of [music] you that fights. And I was like, "Wow, this is really fun." And, you know, I hadn't really done such an extreme sport since I quit skating, you know, and I realized I love that feeling. I want to ski all the time, but

feeling. I want to ski all the time, but you can't ski all the time cuz the mountains are so far. That means I would have to drive myself every weekend to Tahoe and ski and that's so much work. You

know what I mean? And the rank is right there. [music]

there. [music] So I'm going try figure skating and skating feels just like it and I can skate whenever I want to kind of go back to the rank. I had to go with my best friend otherwise I would have never

tried it again. And [music] so I'm so glad that she came with me. But yeah, it was really scary to go back. And so I call up Philip and I tell him [music] like hey I think I want to go back to

skating. I mean, he said like no, like I

skating. I mean, he said like no, like I don't think you should. I was like really going at it with him and trying to like convince him [music] >> because he knew how hard it was for me the last time and he also knew the

reasons why I left and he didn't want me to [music] make the same mistakes again.

I was answering all his questions and I was answering them quite well and so I convinced him uh to start coaching me again.

>> I've definitely evolved into my own person. I love to create now. I get to

person. I love to create now. I get to pick my own program music. I get to pick out what I want my dress to [music] look like, what color I want to use. I get to help with the creative process of the

program. Um, I pick my music [music] and

program. Um, I pick my music [music] and I I control my training. You know what I'm saying? My schedule. I drive myself.

I'm saying? My schedule. I drive myself.

If I feel [music] like I'm skating too much, I'll back down. If I feel like I'm not skating enough, I'll ramp it up. No

one's going to starve me. Tell me what I can and can't eat. I'm a lot stronger [music] physically. I still love to

[music] physically. I still love to skate and my mind is very peaceful. I

already knew I was better in some ways, like my artistry, I already knew it was better. Um, cuz I was more in my body. I

better. Um, cuz I was more in my body. I

struggle a lot, you know, and I I love it because then I can put in effort. I

love struggling. It makes me feel alive.

Um, and I can use like all of my strength and my willpower. Basically, I

just like to exercise my willpower. In

order to do that, you need [music] you need a hard situation. kind of love feeling like I'm on my last breath, I guess, or I physically cannot do more. I

love pushing myself to that boundary.

[music] I love making mistakes. I love

falling. Uh I also love landing and doing really well. So, I feel like no matter what the outcome was, I was going to be I was going to be cool [music] with it.

>> I guess I was just missing that when I quit because life was so easy. You know,

you don't have to um push your body to its limits. And I [music] I love that

its limits. And I [music] I love that feeling cuz you need to have willpower for it.

>> I think mistakes are beautiful, too. So,

I [music] don't really mind messing up.

Um Yeah. Cuz it's about the journey, you know. So,

know. So, >> so, you know, I don't really care where my life takes me because I know I'll enjoy any road. Yeah. I feel like had I not quit and stepped back, I I mean,

obviously, I would not have [music] experienced all that. So, um yeah, I'm really glad that I listened to myself.

Those were some critical years, you know, 16 to 18, 19. Um, my brain is a little bit more developed. Um, [music]

I know a little bit more about myself and just be be yourself. Um, and yeah, you could take inspiration. That's

that's always important. I I actually wouldn't tell my younger self a thing.

>> Why?

>> Um, cuz she's going to figure out herself. I don't want to change

herself. I don't want to change anything. I connect with everything, but

anything. I connect with everything, but I'm not attached to anything. So it's uh really easy.

>> [music]