Imposter Syndrome: It's Not You, It's What Happened to You | Sheaba Chacko | TEDxChattanooga

[Applause] well y'all it's a bad time

I don't know about you but I am tired I am stiff I am exhausted I was ready to do this at 11 A.M this morning

no I'm just like oh my gosh I know it's gonna happen if I try to recite my talk it's going to be like trying to suck a really Frozen slushy see my brain's already doing the

thing through a really narrow straw have you do you know how frustrating that is yeah so I'm gonna rely on my script

yes thank you thank you you know what you are my hero Chloe let me tell you why because I love Renee Brown yes and

I'm like having a conversation with you I'm like can you just like talk here okay so what I love about brene Brown is what she says about authentic leadership

and it is the courage to show up even when you cannot control the outcome and that's where we're at tonight okay so

big round of applause for Chloe please please [Applause] like the beauty of imperfection

my fear was realized and she showed me how to navigate it so really really grateful for you Chloe and

then I'm thinking of Peter's talk and what he shared and I was like oh dream fact feeling and then eventually realization I'm like

the dream was to be here one day the fact is I'm here and I want to go home what to do what to do but thank you

thank you well I am so grateful to have you all here I'm so thankful that you are lending your ears opening up your minds and allowing your hearts to be stirred by topics you may or may not

have been interested in but hopefully you walk away with the new fresh perspective so the title of my talk is imposter

syndrome it's not you it's what happened to you we're going to begin with a loose definition for those of us that may not

be familiar with what it is lightly put imposter syndrome is doubting your abilities and feeling like

a fraud even though your performance is adequate and likely above average people have a hard time taking it

seriously because they just think you're insecure and they want to be helpful so they'll say lovely things like don't make it harder than it is you're supposed to fake it until you

make it or you know you just need to trust yourself stop worrying you are fine

but let me tell you why that rarely works imposter syndrome actually has its

origins in trauma now before I lose you consider this even though imposter syndrome is flippantly tossed around the office if you can just

catch it and then peel back the layers you will often discover An Origin story

that is pickled with difficulty complexity and imbalance it is not irrational it's not something

light small and fluffy that hopped into your head it is neurobiological

it is actually a deeply rooted way of Behaving that is meant to support you or help you navigate unsupportive

environments what I mean is if your situation required you to emphasize productivity efficiency and

good behavior way more than it emphasized your true whole authentic self then you were raised on the breeding

grounds of imposter syndrome all you need to do is inhale the pressure to live up to someone else's definition of success and

snap you have contracted it and then your chances of presenting as

symptomatic compounds like interest if you are a firstborn only child

grew up poor identify with a minority group and or come from a single parent or Blended household

once the conditions are right imposter syndrome will settle in and Crouch and lie and wait until an event or

transition that requires you to leave your comfort zone three of the most common that I have seen are

suddenly having big shoes to fill having to be out on your own or having to compete for a seat at the table

these Ops these opportunities feel like obstacles because they do not fit what you know they are not familiar to you so

you start doubting yourself and you wonder who am I to play big despite my angle imposter syndrome isn't

a disease but it can be debilitating with real life consequences on your ability to lead love and perform

so let's get to it I'm Shabba I am a trauma-informed licensed therapist and I'm going to walk you

through the ripple effect of relational trauma and how it forms imposter syndrome over time here's a really interesting thing that

you may not know about trauma there are actually two types there is Big T trauma and then there is Little T trauma Big T

trauma is obvious think Wars earthquakes violence but little T trauma it's more subtle more like bullying breakups

rejection or having to move around frequently which do you have I like the way my mentor puts it it actually does not

matter because Big T trauma explodes on you while little tea trauma erodes away at your confidence and sense of safety

over time today we are interested in Little T trauma because that's where a lot of overlooked relational trauma camps out

relational trauma is the thing that happens in your formative years where your sense of feeling loved and protected is consistently disrupted

outside of your control and sometimes even your parents control okay fine so maybe the word trauma just doesn't resonate for you because you

don't want to blame you don't want to play the victim you know so many others have it much worse here's my ask of you today

from a behavioral perspective consider that trauma shows up in one of two ways

it either causes you to over function or under function so just take a moment to see if you've ever had stints in life

where you're described as overdoing it or underdoing it we're either all on or all off and you can't find a middle

ground moderation simply is not an option most of the people who come to see me are classic over functioners Who start

to freak out because they start getting sluggish or committing the Cardinals in dropping the ball since Society sees them as high

performing and high producing and high functioning they never feel the burn until a key area of their life starts to

suffer like romance parenting performance reviews or the big one that really gets their attention their physical health

by staying with me to the end of this talk you will get the chance to determine how you may have been impacted by the ripples of relational trauma and

find out for yourself how imposter syndrome may be holding you Hostage to an unfair view of yourself

your abilities and your responsibilities fair warning I am a therapist so while it's not all your mom it definitely is childhood

some of you are out there like wait a minute I have imposter syndrome and I had a great childhood and you know what I cherish that with you I am so happy

and things can be great and still missing key ingredients for your all-around success that's pretty normal

you're allowed to be grateful for the shoulders you stand on and honor what they weren't able to provide for you because they didn't have access to it

themselves also another little secret that you probably don't know about trauma trauma is not just the bad things that happen to you

it's also the good things that didn't the bottom line is if you chronically struggle with imposter syndrome you are

over compensating for something that was missing at an earlier time and you're probably going to need some help unpacking that feel free to approach me later I'm missing people

okay so do you have a hunch that maybe you have it or someone you know might have it now's your chance to shed some light on how things may have gotten this way

for you or them listen to my story with imposter syndrome and see if there's any truth in it for you

I can trace the ripples of my own imposter syndrome as far back as fifth grade but I'm sure they go further back than that since memories don't function

as history though I'm just going to say this is based on a true story our South Asian immigrant family didn't

talk much but we got told plenty we were in what psychologists call an authoritarian household which is code for very strict

there were high standards rigid rules and plenty of critical feedback that was meant to be helpful and keep us on track for the American dream but really looking back we didn't

know what we were doing we didn't have the mentors and we didn't have the proper Community Resources but I digress and we'll go back to family Dynamics

besides doing as you were told you are left to your own devices to figure things out and learn from your mistakes

on your own without a ton of emotional support or psychological guidance the underlying message don't fail

because failure is not an option no one was trying to be mean or unsupportive everyone was doing the best that they could with the resources that

they had at the time plus it's really tough to fully be there for who you love when you're irritable and stressed and on edge all the time

the final main feature of my family that I'd like to share with you we weren't talkers but we were deep feelers dad managed his big Feelings by adopting

a kind of stoicism and my mom clung to her spirituality to work out her stress my feelers took more of a survival approach and narrowed down my option to

my options to two modes of functioning you guessed it either over functioning or under functioning that's to say I managed my big Feelings

by either staying busy and working hard or by numbing and checking out later this translated into a seesaw of

hyper productivity followed by Benders of procrastination and that actually isn't uncommon for people with imposter syndrome

think Tortoise and the hair your nervous system unconsciously decides when to conserve resources

and when to act swiftly hair one morning it was one of those act swiftly moments for a ten-year-old Sheba

I can't explain how I knew but I just felt the urge that I need to stay home that day and the chances were unlikely since nothing short of a fever ever

landed me stay at home privileges but surprisingly I was allowed to stay that day Looking Back Now it's probably because

Dad knew my my mom was struggling and could use some help looking after my one-year-old sister at the time

ins in service of sparing you the gritty details I'll summarize it this way that was the day my mother attempted to

take her own life but by A Stroke of Luck ten-year-old me happened to be there and was able to

swoop in and save her I didn't know it at the time but I can tell now that was the moment I started to actively compartmentalize and split I

became a double agent who had to be a grown-up and a kid at the same time the kid was shoved to the back seat while someone who grew up too fast Took the Wheel

had two versions of me there was the real me with needs wounds feelings

then there was the performant of me who was polished upbeat hyper independent I helped Mom raise my siblings I became

her mental health Advocate dad's right hand man basically their marriage counselor compartmentalizing everything helped me not complain and I was able to keep my emotions at Bay

because I just get them in a little box I never went to that all sounds pretty impressive Until you realize no underage person should

have a resume like that but that's where my habit of over functioning to make up for members who are under functioning began

so there you have it the groundwork for my imposter syndrome it involved five main components the pressure of high standards emotional suppression

hyper-compartmentalization growing up too fast and over functioning these coping Styles compiled to create

the profile of the Imposter because when you have an origin story that requires high performance to put

out buyers and fill in the gaps and keep Spirits High you are set up to wonder as an adult

oh besides being a fixer doer and helper who am I and why am I so unhappy

did I just Bluff my way through life yes I just need to do more and try harder so you end up burning the candle at both ends

with imposter syndrome you were never allowed to be fully you at an earlier time you had to become what was needed instead of what was natural

of course you feel like a fake you've been more true to others than you have to yourself for a really long time

I hope you're starting to see it your cake won't look the same as mine but it will have similar ingredients now if you're still on the fence about

whether or not you have it or you just want a couple of highlights to be able to see how it looks at work look out for these things

despite working twice as hard you fear being only half as good and funnily enough even if someone tries to praise or reassure you you will deflect it and

credit it to something like luck someone's oversight divine intervention or just say it was nothing

imposter's syndrome also means you never get to relax because the wheels of guilt and pressure are grinding you into

overthinking over planning and spreading yourself super thin you allow it in hopes that one day it

will all be worth it only to end up with your head spinning after smacking into the brick wall of burnout

how many of you are nodding along saying yep shut up and they're still doing that how many of you are sitting here thinking wow I would love to be on stage

doing something like that but what would I even have to say no I'm just going to leave it up to the professionals I see you and the shadow of imposter syndrome behind you

I wish we could chalk up imposter syndrome to something like dashes of insecurity remedied by doses of confidence thought management affirmations but by now you can tell it

is more Sinister than that in terms of my clientele when a person comes to see me they are typically struggling with the inevitable burnout

that comes from this high performance high anxiety filled lifestyle and I am an Enthusiast about working with them

because I can relate I remember reaching that point it took me over a quarter Century to finally see myself clearly for the first

time I discovered that I had been swimming in a sort of high functioning anxiety and depression soup ever since the fifth grade but I didn't

know any better because it was the air that I breathed and then I discovered that my over involvement as a fixer and helper type in people's lives was actually less

about them more about me and my need for control and inner peace I couldn't stand seeing the people that

I love struggle so I would swoop in without being asked cue those go the extra mile and over achieve her tendencies

so what sequence of events exactly led to My Moment of Truth I would have to say it was the moment

where I was no longer able to keep up the wall between the shiny stage me and the messy overwhelmed me

the consequences at the time though my marriage dissolved my family was confused my spiritual Community was disappointed

my health took a hit I was doubting my profession a socially withdrew I physically could not go back to

working myself into the ground something had to change and that's where I know that so many of you have similar stories many of you who feel like everything's on on track

there's no reason to complain and that you probably think or feel like you had a great childhood so your imposter syndrome is just a quirky you thing

I get it me too but if you don't want a crash and burn like mine then I implore you to be

proactive instead of reactive get help because you want it not because you need it it was only when this therapist started going to therapy that she was able to

get to the bottom of the divide that was pulling her apart the battle between the real me and the performative me

so here's what we really need to understand about imposter syndrome it's not in your head it's wired into your body It's A coping Style jam-packed with

action your self-doubt low confidence and fraudulent feelings are all stemming from a fear response that is stored in your body

and remember that trauma isn't just Big T it can also be having two parents but really only having one if you know you know

it's being socially othered because you're hairy short big-nosed gay redheaded or black-skinned

it can also be as simple as just having family and friends that you had to support a lot as a kid

the thing that helped me overcome my or the thing that helped me overcome the debilitating aspects of my imposter syndrome was processing and working

through the ripple effect of relational trauma on me and my confidence now if you were listening to my story you might be like shepa but I didn't have a loved one try to take their life

in front of me okay here's what I will say as a therapist I hear plenty of shocking things and it's not because of the actual content

but because of how cool distant aloof and Eerie the story a person is telling me when they're

reporting on the really hard things they went through I'm sitting here going oh my God and they're like it's cloudy outside

so and sitting with me today I would like for you to consider whether or not big or little tea trauma could be hiding

behind your imposter syndrome if so being able to look at it could be really helpful I mean this is the thing if you want to dial down the

um over functioning and if you want to enhance your prowess for authentic

presence and transformational Leadership so instead of dismissing imposter syndrome what if we could show up just a little bit more trauma aware and not

minimize our colleagues or our own trauma what if we could actually with curiosity and courage investigate it a

little bit more and come up with systems processes containers that actually support and cultivate our best and highest selves

if this conversation has gotten you thinking about imposter syndrome different differently then that is a huge win for your awareness

and if you are wanting a trauma-informed way of working with your imposter syndrome and reclaiming joy in your life I can definitely recommend you some resources

y'all have been great thank you

[Applause]