Love is a skill, not a feeling | Alain de Botton: Full Interview

My name is Alain de Botton. I'm a philosopher, psychotherapist and founder of the School of Life. Chapter 1 - Our Destructive Romantic Culture We know in theory that love matters a lot. It's in

Life. Chapter 1 - Our Destructive Romantic Culture We know in theory that love matters a lot. It's in

every pop song, it's the center of most religions. We sometimes lose sight of what that word actually means. It's really about connection. And it is one of the most beautiful and one of the most

means. It's really about connection. And it is one of the most beautiful and one of the most complicated of all phenomena. Even though we think we've been around on this planet for a long time trying to figure things out, I'd say we were still at the dawn collectively of making sense of this

phenomenon we call love. And it's no surprise that most people will go to their deathbeds thinking, not quite sure I figured that side of life out. At least many of us will still be grappling with some of the complexities of love by the time time runs out on us. The most central kind of

love that people are obsessed about, concerned about, is romantic love. That is the intimate connection between two human beings who have a sexual contact. It's worth saying that there are other forms of love. We can love our children, we can love animals, we can love ideas, we can

love tables, chairs, clouds, all sorts of things. We are capable of many forms of love, but I'd say that when people sing about love and when they cry about love, it tends to be the love of one very special person we tend to call our soulmate, our partner. It used to be the case that when people

found partners, they would do so according to fairly pragmatic considerations. In most nations and most parts of the world, for most of history, couples were formed not by the individuals themselves, but by the wider society, families, the village, the court. There were, if you like,

dynastic marriages. You would get together with somebody because they had a plow and you had an

dynastic marriages. You would get together with somebody because they had a plow and you had an ox and it seemed like a good match, or you were the Duke of Brabant and they were the Princess of Naples and that was seen as a wonderful union. So you got together for reasons that were nothing to do with emotional compatibility. There were a lot of tears, there was sadness, there was

loneliness, but it didn't seem to matter because relationships were seen to be about something else. There was then a momentous change that occurs in, towards the end of the 18th century,

else. There was then a momentous change that occurs in, towards the end of the 18th century, starting in Britain, France, Germany, parts of Italy, a revolution in feeling that we now know as romanticism. And one of the central tenets of romanticism is that each individual should

as romanticism. And one of the central tenets of romanticism is that each individual should be left to decide on their partner by their own, the movements of their own heart. They

should be left to decide for themselves. It's a beautiful idea, it's a very liberating idea, it should make a lot of sense. And we have been in the romantic age now for, you know, 200 years, perhaps shorter, perhaps a little longer, that kind of time period. And let's put it plainly,

it's been a disaster. We're not any appreciably happier now in a romantic culture than we were in a dynastic culture, where marriages were made for dynastic reasons. Why? Because we have failed collectively to focus with enough intent on the difficulties that couples will have when they

choose each other according to the movements of their own heart. Look, I think a really key prejudice of the romantic worldview is that if love is working well, it should be following instinct. There's been an enormous veneration, it must be worship of instinct. Love is described as

instinct. There's been an enormous veneration, it must be worship of instinct. Love is described as a special feeling, not an asset of ideas, not a sense of rationally observable principles, but a feeling. You either have the feeling or you don't. You must be guided by your feeling.

There's even a prejudice against language. You know, true lovers shouldn't talk too much. They

should just feel the flattering of their own hearts. That's why music has a huge prestige, higher than philosophy. When we're in love, we don't want to read philosophical tracks, we want to hear love songs. That is to do with our sense that emotion should be guiding us, not reason. Reason is the enemy in the romantic worldview of truly happy relationships. If we

not reason. Reason is the enemy in the romantic worldview of truly happy relationships. If we

follow reason, that's cold, it may be calculating, it's unromantic. And, you know, there are so many things that are considered unromantic. And I would love to train our audience. But every

time something seems unromantic, question it. Is it truly unromantic if we define romanticism as the pursuit of a workable relationship? On that basis, is it unromantic to talk about money?

Is it unromantic to think long and hard about childhood patterns of psychological development? Is it anti-romantic to spend a lot of time thinking about families and friends and

development? Is it anti-romantic to spend a lot of time thinking about families and friends and compatibility at that level? All these things, in my view, belong to a truly adequate way of surveying whether a couple should be together. But I'm also aware that nowadays these things

are considered very unromantic. To live in a romantic culture means to live in a culture that has a set of ideas about how good couples should form. They should be formed by instinct, that everybody has a soulmate, that you'll recognise your soulmate by a special, flattery feeling, that you shouldn't be asked to account for that feeling. You should simply go for it and marry in

Vegas in two weeks if that's what seizes you. And that you should be able to communicate deeply with your partner without using language. Through that special medium of the heart, through the silence.

Also that you shouldn't criticise your partner, that true partners should love each other for who they really are. Which means no desire to grow or change. You just accept someone. Couples in

romantic culture will sometimes complain, "You're trying to change me." And this is seen as really offensive. It's like, "What? You complain to your friends. My partner's trying to change me." "Oh,

offensive. It's like, "What? You complain to your friends. My partner's trying to change me." "Oh,

what an awful person. It must be awful. You must get out immediately." If you went to an ancient Greek, if you went to Athens in 400 BC, and you said to an ancient Greek, "What is love? And where

is the role of criticism?" They would say, "Love is a process of education. It's the education of emotion." And lovers should of course be able to pick each other up for things that they don't spot

emotion." And lovers should of course be able to pick each other up for things that they don't spot in one another. The whole process should be trying to develop into the best version of themselves, rather than simply staying stuck in an admiration for who they are today. The whole process should

be dynamic. Become who you could be, not worship who you happen to be right now. All of this sounds

be dynamic. Become who you could be, not worship who you happen to be right now. All of this sounds very strange in romantic culture, which is why relationships are so difficult in our time. Let's

remember that a person's life satisfaction is determined by up to around 70% by the quality of their personal relationships. A Martian hearing that statistic, visiting planet Earth, would think, "Well, clearly Earthlings, given the enormous role of love, will be spending 70%

of their money and 70% of their educational time working out how on Earth this business of love works. Is that true?" We spend hardly any time rationally thinking about it. None of

us are made to sit through classes in attachment theory, classes in apology, classes in listening, classes in communication. No, you know, physics is important, geography is important, don't get me wrong. But is there no time for this, given its role in our lives? Do we really want to leave this

me wrong. But is there no time for this, given its role in our lives? Do we really want to leave this to chance? And the answer is yes. And why? Because we live in a romantic culture that sees something

to chance? And the answer is yes. And why? Because we live in a romantic culture that sees something adverse in planning and thinking and reflecting too hard on the business of love. It's very

deleterious and it's been a serious problem for humanity. One of the most powerful disseminators of romantic culture is art. And by art I mean all the leading artistic media. Film, definitely. You

know, if you were learning about love from films, you would be very confused. And that's why many of us are confused, because films, and I include that television shows and other narrative forms, these things are hugely misleading. They simply do not show what a real relationship is like. I mean,

probably you can count on one hand that the number of films that have accurately shown love, I think one of the most accurate representations of love is Richard Linklater's Before Trilogy, which ended up with Before Midnight. It's a wonderful reckoning really with the real complexities of love. But you know, most films are not that. Most films are blithe, are superficial,

are not modest enough in showing us what's really going on between couples. It's also

intimidated through music. And music constantly gives us little miniature stories about how love works. And you know, the music is terrific, but it's not accurate to what's going on. And

works. And you know, the music is terrific, but it's not accurate to what's going on. And

it presses the wrong buttons. Poetry, no one really reads poetry nowadays. If they did, the problem exists in poetry too. So we have so much media around, and yet we're still so much strangers to ourselves. I would say that the single greatest, most misleading disseminator of

ideas on love is culture and art. The problem is very heavily located there. Chapter 2 - Lessons on Love from Psychotherapy I think we need to split history into phases. The phase of the dynastic

relationship where people would get together for dynastic and financial and family reasons.

That ended. That's behind us. Then we moved into the Romantic Age, and that caused a lot of problems and it lasted 250 years or so. We need to draw a line under that. We need to move towards something that I call the therapeutic age. The age of the therapeutic relationship. What on

earth is a therapeutic relationship? Let me try and explain. A therapeutic relationship begins with the insights of psychotherapy. Psychotherapy has been with us for 120 years or so. It is the most sophisticated understanding of how human beings function emotionally. It's based on the

insights of Sigmund Freud and all those who come after him. It is not going away. Some people say, "Oh, that's... isn't that old hat? Wasn't Freud proved wrong?" Sorry, no, he wasn't. I mean,

"Oh, that's... isn't that old hat? Wasn't Freud proved wrong?" Sorry, no, he wasn't. I mean,

of course, many, many areas of Freudian thought are wrong, but the fundamental insight that we have and unconscious, that how we love as adults was shaped by our childhoods, that there are defences that we put in place to protect ourselves as children that cause difficulties for us as adults. This is indisputably true. And that's not going anywhere. All of us are the result of a

adults. This is indisputably true. And that's not going anywhere. All of us are the result of a very slow and long process of emotional education that took place between the ages of zero and ten.

This is extremely hard to perceive. Most of us are like, "I never went to an emotional education school. I just grew up, you know, my parents lived in Idaho or Milton Keynes or Frankfurt

school. I just grew up, you know, my parents lived in Idaho or Milton Keynes or Frankfurt or Yokohama." There's no sense that we've learned anything in particular. But my goodness, we have.

or Yokohama." There's no sense that we've learned anything in particular. But my goodness, we have.

All of us reach adulthood having learned very complicated languages of love and relationships.

Languages that tell us whether a human being can be trusted, whether we are worth something, whether communication is good, what happens when somebody is angry, what happens when we are shy, what happens when we sulk, how do we tell someone something important? All of these things will have been imbibed in us. Let me give you a metaphor. Very few of us, I'd say none of us, remember

what it was like to learn language, to learn to speak. And yet, most of us know how to speak.

But it went in invisibly. While we were in the kitchen drawing butter cups or in the garden doing handstands, all of us will have learned incredibly complex patterns of language, of grammar. We have

learned about the pluperfect. We have learned about the subjunctive without even knowing such things exist. We have learned tens of thousands of words and all sorts of ways of expressing

things exist. We have learned tens of thousands of words and all sorts of ways of expressing ourselves without knowing a thing. I want to say that a similar process goes on at the level of emotional language. In the same ways we learn a grammatical language, we learn an emotional

emotional language. In the same ways we learn a grammatical language, we learn an emotional language. As I say, a language about trust, about kindness, about communication, about self-worth,

language. As I say, a language about trust, about kindness, about communication, about self-worth, about dialogue, etc. All these things that we take with us into adulthood, we learned, and we learned from one place in particular, our families of origin, our mother and our father, or

whoever our caregivers happen to be. These people are immensely, immensely important in shaping our emotional grammar. In the same way as they shaped our linguistic grammar, I mean anyone who's had a

emotional grammar. In the same way as they shaped our linguistic grammar, I mean anyone who's had a parent with a regional accent of one kind or another will know that that sticks. You will

pick up that regional accent from your parents and you will, in my stick with you, all of your life.

Same thing goes on with, as it were, the regional accents of emotional intelligence. You may speak a regional accent where every man is extremely frightening, or every woman has a tendency towards alcoholism, or everyone who is kind is also slightly sadistic, or everyone who you depend on is also depressed. Now these are all very, very difficult languages to have been exposed to and to

pick up on. Many of us, sadly, have come through childhood with suboptimal language acquisition, emotional acquisition, if you like, and we take that into adulthood unconsciously. We have no clue where we've come from, and because we don't know where we've come from, we don't know how to plot a sensible course. And I'm going to mention something very important, which is attachment

theory. One of the most useful tools for working out why relationships work and why they don't was

theory. One of the most useful tools for working out why relationships work and why they don't was formulated by two researchers of near-genus, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, two researchers working in the United Kingdom in the 1950s. They had been very marked by a phenomenon that took place in

the 40s during the Second World War. In the Second World War, huge numbers of children were separated from their parents at a young age and were sent to families outside London to escape the German bombing of British cities. What researchers soon realized was that this was a catastrophe for the

children. The children began to exhibit extremely distressed behavior. They would wet the bed, they

children. The children began to exhibit extremely distressed behavior. They would wet the bed, they would get very angry, they would not be able to eat. They would be in states of almost cataclysmic meltdown. Why was this? Materially, they were well looked after. Psychologically, emotionally,

meltdown. Why was this? Materially, they were well looked after. Psychologically, emotionally,

they were bereft. And researchers, this is one of the most moving stories in the history of the Second World War, researchers realized that if this carried on, this would do more damage for the next generation than any number of war dead, that the risks of German bombs were actually smaller

than the risks of ruptured emotional attachment. And on that basis, these psychological researchers wrote to the Ministry of Defence and the Home Office and got the children transferred back into their homes in the cities of the United Kingdom. And thereby a great tragedy was averted. So that

after the height of the crisis, children were returned to their birth families and looked after again by their closest figures of attachment. Why are we talking about this? Because this was the birth of attachment theory. From watching how children were around their close caregivers in childhood, it was discovered that all of us are, in a sense, tethered to a story that we

first have in childhood around our caregivers. And the researchers in attachment theory began to divide human beings into categories, highlighting their characteristic ways of behaving around relationships. To give you a few of the categories, they identified something

that we now know as avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is a way of relating to a troublesome and troubling caregiver who in some ways lets you down. And by the way, caregivers, it's estimated let down around 50% of children. So around half of the population of any nation

you care to mention has got children wandering around with attachment wounds. It's an important statistic to bear in mind when you go on a date. You know, 50% chance you've got somebody with an attachment wound. That's not the end of the story. We can work with attachment wounds,

attachment wound. That's not the end of the story. We can work with attachment wounds, but we need to know that those attachment wounds are there. That's how we're going to try and solve the problem by knowing that the problem is there. An avoidantly attached person is somebody who responds to the insecurities in their relationship with their caregiver by essentially moving away,

by pushing away intimacy. The classic sentence that an avoidantly attached person will say to their partner after a few beautiful weeks, a few mini breaks, a few lovely times, they'll go, "This is feeling a bit too intense," and then they will withdraw in some way. They'll start

causing a problem. They'll say, "Oh, I need to spend a weekend with my friends or my mother really wants to see me." They'll pull away from a relationship because it's getting too intense. And

really what they mean is, "I'm so afraid of love, and the way that I deal with my fear of love is to pull away." So that is avoidant attachment, and we see it all over the place. Some of your viewers will be avoidantly attached. Some of your viewers will have recognized this with a partner that they had. It's not that the avoidantly attached person doesn't want love. They want love. They're just

had. It's not that the avoidantly attached person doesn't want love. They want love. They're just

terrified of it. Why are they terrified of it? Because it didn't go well for them in childhood.

And this is something that we need to really keep in mind. We've got a culture that thinks that everybody's looking for love. They're not. They're ostensibly looking for love, but they're just as busy pushing love away when it comes, running away from it, and making sure it doesn't succeed. Why?

Because love is a threat. If you have grown up in an environment where love was not possible, where relationships between caregivers and children were not safe, you will have defended yourself against the risks of disappointment. You will have insulated yourself. And then when love comes your

way in adulthood, what you will do against your knowledge, against your conscious knowledge, is make sure that love does not succeed. You will sabotage your own chances of a successful relationship. Let me give you a metaphor. Imagine that you've grown up in a prison camp. You

relationship. Let me give you a metaphor. Imagine that you've grown up in a prison camp. You

were never fed, or the diet was very meager. You didn't have much food. And then suddenly, one day, the prison gates are opened, and you get to go to a banquet, and you get to eat anything you like. And what might be the response? Panic. You might make yourself sick. You might try and eat

like. And what might be the response? Panic. You might make yourself sick. You might try and eat the food. You might even kill you, or threaten to kill you, because why? You cannot metabolize

the food. You might even kill you, or threaten to kill you, because why? You cannot metabolize the goodness on offer, because you have learned to function with an emotionally restricted diet, an emotionally restricted diet where you've made do with very little. And so when there's a lot

suddenly on offer, you panic, and you think this is too intense. You think that somebody who has been going with almost no food will think it's far too intense to eat a rich chocolate cake.

And sometimes healthy love is like a rich chocolate cake, which we cannot bear. And

some of your viewers will know the phenomenon whereby you offer somebody love. You love them, you feel that you want to give them a good life, you want to be a good partner to them, and they sort of accept it, and then suddenly they run away. And if there's a dynamite under it, this is a very common occurrence. What's going on? It's not that it's too bad,

it's too good. And for some of us who had to get used to very poor relationships, the greatest threat is not a bad relationship. That's fine. It's a good relationship. And you get patterns, horrific patterns, where people have had an unstable and violent father, let's say, uncaring

and absent mother, and you think that these people are going to get to adulthood, and they're really going to make it up for themselves. They're going to find the love they yearn for, and they're going to make it work. And what happens to them? Maybe a nice lover comes along. Someone kind offers them a

home, as it were, an emotional home. And maybe at the beginning they can bear it. It's easier at the beginning. But then the problem starts setting in when it really becomes clear that love may work.

beginning. But then the problem starts setting in when it really becomes clear that love may work.

That's when the traumatised attachment lover gets their sticks of dynamite out and starts to blow the foundations of the house up so that they can return to the suffering that feels more familiar. What you need to understand is that in love we don't look for what will make us happy.

familiar. What you need to understand is that in love we don't look for what will make us happy.

Absolutely not. We look for what feels familiar. For some people, happiness and familiarity are one. But for many of us, they are not. For many of us, what is most familiar is a sense of not being

one. But for many of us, they are not. For many of us, what is most familiar is a sense of not being loved properly, a sense of not being sure where we stand, a sense that someone may threaten us, a sense that someone may abandon us. That is our true home. And if that's our true home, we will

be guided with a kind of honing instinct to refine that, which is why you find again and again that the children of alcoholics do not head for sober partners. They head for people who are struggling with alcohol. Why the offspring of violent parents do not head for calm and kind partners. They head

with alcohol. Why the offspring of violent parents do not head for calm and kind partners. They head

for people who are struggling with their temper. Now, what do we do about this? One optimistic

story is to be found in the work of Sigmund Freud, who in many ways everything returns to him. He

observed something which he called the repetition compulsion. He observed that human beings are not guided by a search for pleasure. They are guided by a search to repeat patterns, a repetition compulsion often of pain. And he proposed an ingenious and I think optimistic answer to this.

He argued that what many of us are doing when we repeat traumatic experiences, for example, getting back together with a violent partner or an alcoholic partner, what we're really doing there is not simply suffering at infinite for no reason. What we're trying to do is to master a challenge that we couldn't master in childhood and we're trying to master it with the resources of

adulthood. In other words, we're trying to get the alcoholic partner to stop drinking in a way that

adulthood. In other words, we're trying to get the alcoholic partner to stop drinking in a way that we couldn't when we were children. We're trying to get the distance emotionally and communicative partner to start to talk in the way that our mother or father didn't. We're trying to make it up in the present. And Freud realized that for many of us we wouldn't find the kind of excitement

that we need until we locate a partner who does suggest that they suffer from the very problem that our crucial caregiver suffered from. Until we find a little bit of an echo of the original suffering. But the optimistic story is perhaps we can work with them in the relationship to heal

suffering. But the optimistic story is perhaps we can work with them in the relationship to heal the pain. It's a very optimistic story. It works sometimes and sometimes we may need to cut our

the pain. It's a very optimistic story. It works sometimes and sometimes we may need to cut our losses. You know, love is not always about keeping going. Love is also sometimes about knowing that

losses. You know, love is not always about keeping going. Love is also sometimes about knowing that you are in a pattern and that pattern is driving you to destruction. And when that happens, it's also important to save, to know how to save yourself from shore destruction. Chapter 3 - The

Playbook for a Successful Relationship First of all, the idea of a playbook sounds strange. The

idea of a playbook that you need to create to get in a relationship sounds really odd. You think,

I don't need a playbook. I just need to head on in there, get a dating app and off I go and a nice new pair of clothes. But isn't it interesting and wouldn't it be lovely to have a playbook that would be trying to guide you to acquire the knowledge that you need for love? So the idea that love is a skill rather than an emotion is a strange one, but I think an absolutely essential

one in the world view that I'm positing. You know, if somebody said, I'm going to climb Mount Everest or K2, you would say, OK, how have you prepared for this? And you'd be expecting them to show up with ropes, with training programs, with oxygen, with specially prepared packs of food. You can get

the metaphor. We walk into the mountain of love without sufficient preparation and equipment. And

the metaphor. We walk into the mountain of love without sufficient preparation and equipment. And

then we're surprised that we routinely tumble off the mountain and we blame the other person. We say

we didn't match the right person. We haven't found our person. We go back on the dating app and we go ever further to try and find the right person. Don't get me wrong. Dating apps have their role.

Sometimes we need to scan and see who's out there and find a person who halfway meets us where we want to be. But once you've found a more or less suitable person, that's when the work begins.

And the work is to turn a stranger into somebody that you can understand and who can understand you without bottling it, without panicking, without throwing them in the bin, without saying we can't work this out if after five weeks in a pleasant mini break in Copenhagen we suddenly have a conflict. No, the point is you need to stay where you are and try and figure it

out. But most people give up too soon. They say we can't possibly do this. And they run for the

out. But most people give up too soon. They say we can't possibly do this. And they run for the hills, go back on the dating app and find the next person with whom they will then try out an equally unfulfilling attempt to match their heart with strangers. What we need to do is to start to create right people rather than search for them. And what does that mean to create a right person?

It means to work on yourself psychologically and therapeutically so that you understand your script from childhood and do not simply play it out onto innocent person after innocent person, that you take responsibility for the problems that you are bringing into a relationship. At the School of Life which I founded, an institution that is dedicated to emotional growth and development,

we tell our people that when they honour date with somebody, among the first questions is to ask people playfully, "How are you crazy?" What does that mean? How are you crazy? Why

is everybody crazy? They're not necessarily crazy. Well, all of us have stuff that we need to be on top of. And if your person at dinner says to you, "Yeah, I get the question. Yeah,

I've got my crazy. And my crazy is this. My crazy is that. My father, my mother." This is turning out to be a safe person. If the person goes, "How do you mean I can't possibly answer that question?

That's rude. You think I'm not right or imperfect. Run for the hills. Drop it right there and then."

I'm exaggerating, but this is probably not a person you should be hanging out with because none of us need or can have perfect partners. But what we can have and must search for and must try to become is people who know enough about their patterns to be able to warn their prospective

partners of what's going on and take averting action. The beginning of therapeutic relationships is to know that two people, when entering a couple, are not entering without a lot of history.

It is essential that couples learn as much as possible about that history so that they are ready for the challenges and perplexities of love. A therapeutic relationship requires that each partner get on top of their dynamics, that date back to childhood, and are able to discuss

them with relative grace, patience, and insight with their partner so that when problems arise and they will, they can adopt a therapeutic language. It is therapeutic to say, for example, when there is a conflict, "I hear your point of view. It may not be mine, but I hear that it's yours." It

is not therapeutic to say, "You're wrong. You're an idiot, and you're just like your mother." Or,

indeed, like your father. This is not therapeutic. I'm kidding, but I'm making a very serious point.

Indeed, we do not tend to talk to each other in therapeutically informed language. We shout,

we scream, we blame, we shape-shift, we don't take responsibility. We do all sorts of things that doom us in relationships. Then we stand back and we say, "We're surprised. We are a society that is obsessed with finding the right person without pausing to think, 'How do I become the right person? How do I work on myself?' Understanding that cannot be done simply,

and this is paradoxical, by being on your own. This is another unbelievable mystery. You can't

understand yourself just by being with yourself. You need other people. Why is that? It's like, why do you need a mirror to see the back of your head? Because we don't have eyes there. We need someone to help us to see the things that are really hard for us to see. And psychotherapy gives us

a forum in which we can come, tell the therapist about what's going on in our lives, explain what happened last Monday, explain what happened when we took that trip to New York or Buffalo, wherever it is, what happened, and then slowly pattern recognition sets in. The therapist is able to go,

"It's funny. In that last relationship you did this, this new relationship you're doing that,

"It's funny. In that last relationship you did this, this new relationship you're doing that, and you mentioned that your parent did something that sounds kind of similar." So I wonder what's going on, and then slowly insight comes. We start to put the pieces together. We think, "I'm up to something. I'm doing something." And that way is liberation. We can start to break the unconscious

something. I'm doing something." And that way is liberation. We can start to break the unconscious stories that we're living. Psychotherapy works with this concept known as "defences" or "defense mechanisms." In other words, these are tools that our minds adopt to try and shield themselves from accurate knowledge of their own workings. It's going to sound really odd, like, why don't we

just embrace self-knowledge with open arms? Why do we need to run away from it? The answer is that knowledge of ourselves is frightening. It's really awful to have to learn certain things. It may make us very anxious. It may make us so sorrowful. It may panic us, and so we push away unwelcome

information. I think that we still perhaps can't quite bear how complicated we are. You know,

information. I think that we still perhaps can't quite bear how complicated we are. You know,

we're very squeamish creatures. We don't like to sit with ourselves. We don't like to sit with our emotions. Self-knowledge remains an enormously elusive goal. You know, I think it is the most

emotions. Self-knowledge remains an enormously elusive goal. You know, I think it is the most important goal of life. To understand oneself is literally the meaning of life. The ancient Greeks knew this, "Know thyself" was the most important command in ancient Greek culture and philosophy.

"Know thyself" - the most important thing you could do. If you said nowadays, you know, in a conversation with friends or colleagues, "What's your goal? Where are you trying to get to next year? What are you trying to do?" You know, say, "Know thyself." People would go, "That's a strange person there. We don't know about this person." It's not an acceptable goal.

We know that it's good to make money. We know that it's good to travel to foreign countries, to learn how to fry garlic and to learn salsa. It's not particularly esteemed to know yourself. And that's

why we wander around strangers to ourselves and therefore enormously confusing. And let's put it frankly, dangerous to other people. Because a person who doesn't understand themselves, you know, if confronted with their behavior will go, "It wasn't me. I didn't do it." Or,

"I can't think." Or, you know, "Ask me tomorrow." They can't account for themselves. They don't know why they do the stuff they do. They will simply, in a relationship, for example, bail out of a relationship going, "You know, it's getting too intense." And why? They don't know. They

don't understand what they themselves are doing. Even though, you know, they may have spent five years learning, you know, Spanish. They may have taken an advanced degree in Japanese. They may be, you know, very active in all sorts of ways. They may have learned pottery. They may be holding down a great job in marketing something. But the point is they will not have learned the

really true constituents of emotional functioning because they've been able to get away with it.

And part of the playbook of becoming a better lover is to dial down your defense mechanisms, to observe them. A typical defense mechanism is to push responsibility onto other people, to say it's your fault. For example, someone tries to tell you something about yourself. Someone says, "I think

your fault. For example, someone tries to tell you something about yourself. Someone says, "I think that you, you know, you're a little bit this when that happens." You know, and rather than going, "Thank you. Let me think about that." You go, "Why are you being rude?" Or, "This is not a good time

"Thank you. Let me think about that." You go, "Why are you being rude?" Or, "This is not a good time for me." Or, "I can't absorb this now." In other words, you push away information that might have

for me." Or, "I can't absorb this now." In other words, you push away information that might have helped you. Not because it's false, but because it's difficult to absorb. And that's often what

helped you. Not because it's false, but because it's difficult to absorb. And that's often what happens to us. All of us, all of us are involved in defense mechanisms. All of us can't quite bear the full truth about ourselves. It helps us to go to psychotherapy. I know that, you know, AIs,

you know, deliver some aspects of therapy. It can be good at points. The good thing about a real human being is that they are not guided just by you. They've got their own independent judgment.

And also, you're in a relationship with them. And that relationship is part of what heals you, because the relationship with the therapist is a harbinger of the relationship that you can then take out into the world, a relationship of trust and mutual understanding. This is something that AIs not going to be able to replace anytime soon. So we need to understand ourselves. We

need to understand the past. And then we need a certain spirit. One of the things that we need in that playbook of love is a good sense of humor. That could sound superfluous, like what on earth, you know, why do we need a sense of humor? Well, a sense of humor is a modesty about our capacity to understand anything. And if we can signal to our partners that, you know, we're a little stupid.

understand anything. And if we can signal to our partners that, you know, we're a little stupid.

We don't get it. We don't have all the answers. That is a wonderful emollient. It's a wonderful lubricant to love, because it just dials down the temperature. If your partner is able to say, "Ah, I may not have understood this. I may not be getting it. That's brilliant." And if they can make a little joke too, that's great. You know, if two people can learn to see each other as idiots,

but lovable idiots, that's a beautiful moment in love. It could sound negative. It's not. It's not.

It's the most generous thing you can do. We are two blind people helping each other to find a way forward. If that's the spirit in which we can enter love, that is a spirit of generosity, a

forward. If that's the spirit in which we can enter love, that is a spirit of generosity, a spirit of mutual forgiveness. Too often we get on our high horses. This is the way it is. I know the answer. This is what I think. That is not a friend of love. So we need, if you like, a modesty,

answer. This is what I think. That is not a friend of love. So we need, if you like, a modesty, a humorous modesty. Let me give you another idea. Another thing that we need in order to make love work is a certain degree of pessimism. You know, optimism is the enemy of love. If we think that

we will have a perfect love story, a love story with no ruffles in it, with no kinks in it, no, it's not going to happen. We need to accept that even a really good relationship has constant moments of crisis. And that's okay. The problem is not crisis. The problem is how do we repair crises? Can we repair them with forgiveness, with understanding, and most of all with curiosity? Can

crises? Can we repair them with forgiveness, with understanding, and most of all with curiosity? Can

we get curious about why we had a bust up? Can we be searching for why our attachment patterns are not compatible? Can we get interested in why we're difficult to love, and that way will become easier

not compatible? Can we get interested in why we're difficult to love, and that way will become easier to love? So pessimism is not an enemy of love. Knowing that there is no such thing as the right

to love? So pessimism is not an enemy of love. Knowing that there is no such thing as the right person actually helps you to find a good enough person. You know, a few years ago I wrote an essay that went viral. I wrote it for the New York Times. It was called "Why You Will Marry The Wrong

Person". Why did that essay go viral? I think it went viral because people all feel... Sorry,

Person". Why did that essay go viral? I think it went viral because people all feel... Sorry,

let me correct that. Not all people, but many, many people feel that they have married the wrong person. And they panic about this and they feel so ashamed. So here's an essay in the New York

person. And they panic about this and they feel so ashamed. So here's an essay in the New York Times that says, "Yeah, we're all going to marry the wrong person." And you know what? It's okay.

You don't need to marry the right person. You need to marry a good enough person. You know,

compatibility is not a precondition of love. Compatibility is the fruit of love. If we get together with someone and we find that there are differences, right? They have one kind of attachment style. We have another. They like golf. We like tennis. They like the curtains to be green. We like the curtains to be yellow. Whatever it is. Too often in modern romantic

be green. We like the curtains to be yellow. Whatever it is. Too often in modern romantic dating culture, the answer is get out. Just get out. Find someone else. Find someone better. And

that's why all the technological tools are all about putting new people in front of you. Of

course, sometimes you need to find new people. But as much as finding new people, what you need to do is to learn to live with the people who are in front of you. With the people that you've found. Many of us have already found a good enough partner. And yet we throw them in the bin because

found. Many of us have already found a good enough partner. And yet we throw them in the bin because we are taught by romantic culture that we can always find a perfect person with whom it will click immediately. And this is such a destructive idea. If you think, you know what? The work starts

click immediately. And this is such a destructive idea. If you think, you know what? The work starts here. The work starts when you have a problem. Then you roll up your sleeves and you think,

here. The work starts when you have a problem. Then you roll up your sleeves and you think, OK, well, I know that I, you know, broadly think this person is a nice person. Now we're going to work at making sure that it can work. And so we're going to talk and we're going to take this problem apart. We're going to become like engineers who've got a malfunctioning machine. We're

apart. We're going to become like engineers who've got a malfunctioning machine. We're

going to sort it out. This sounds unromantic, doesn't it? Imagine saying, in order to make my relationship work every evening, I've talked for an hour in really patient ways. You think,

oh my God, go to Vegas, find someone easier. Well, good luck to you. Maybe you'll find that person.

But for some of us, especially some of us who've come through difficult relationships, difficult relationships in our past, we may need to go and do that kind of excavation. Maybe that's fine.

I think that a good enough person is someone who will engage with the business of working towards compatibility. That they won't assume that you are wrong just because there are problems. They

compatibility. That they won't assume that you are wrong just because there are problems. They will know how to repair crises. They will know how to be curious. They will know how to listen. They

will know how to be patient. That is compatible with all sorts of problems. Sexual problems, relational problems, administrative problems. Doesn't matter. You can work through them. So the

wrong person is someone who stonewalls, who always blames you, who blanks out, who says, it's not my responsibility, or, you know, it was easier with my ex and, you know, why are you so difficult, etc. These people are trouble because they are refusing the work of love. So it doesn't matter if you have many, many difficulties. That's okay. The problem is your attitude

to the difficulties. And the solution is an attitude of indulgence, of curiosity, and of calm consideration of the flaws that unite us all. We are all mad monkeys. And so long as we've been kind towards the mad monkey and all of us, we'll be okay. One of the real problems, and,

you know, there's simply no solution, but we need to accept that there's a real problem, is how long it takes to work out who we are as lovers, as people interested in relationships, who we are.

It takes so long, and it takes especially long to try and change our patterns. You know, if we are somebody who sabotages relationships every time that love comes along, how long is that going to take to unwind this? Well, it takes insight, but then it takes, as it were, work, true work. And

sometimes people go to therapy for six sessions or 12 sessions, and they go, "I haven't changed.

Therapy doesn't work." And let's come back to my earlier example about language. Imagine that you decided middle age as an English speaker to pick up Korean or Finnish, and you went to six lessons, and you tried to learn Finnish and Korean. And by the end of six lessons, you could barely ask for, you know, barely say your own name or say hello. And then you blamed it on the whole process,

and you said, "I'm not learning this language. It's rubbish." People would say, "You're being too impatient." And I think that some of the same holds true for rewiring our emotional

too impatient." And I think that some of the same holds true for rewiring our emotional language. We can't pick this up in six sessions of 50 minutes. It takes a long time. A pattern

language. We can't pick this up in six sessions of 50 minutes. It takes a long time. A pattern

that was laid down over decades is going to take many, many years to figure it out. It's, I mean, believe me, it's bad news. I wish it weren't so. Can we do anything in the meantime? Yes, of course we can. We can be learning and walking. We don't have to pause and just sit by the roadside. We can

we can. We can be learning and walking. We don't have to pause and just sit by the roadside. We can

be starting on the path of relationships. We can start from a relatively young age, but we need to be doing the work alongside, and we need to be able to at least do the first thing, which is to say, "I'm learning. I'm a learner." There's a real difference between someone who goes, "I know it all," and someone who knows that they are still learning. When Socrates, the

ancient Greek philosopher, was asked why he was the wisest person in antiquity, he said, "Because I know what I don't know." In other words, that the birth of true wisdom is associated with the knowledge of your ignorance. I think that's the best way we can proceed also in relation to our love lives. There are lots of questions that we could learn to ask ourselves and our partners in

love lives. There are lots of questions that we could learn to ask ourselves and our partners in order to try and find a better relationship. One of them is this. When I get close to you, how does that feel? To open up a window onto some of the complexities that occur when somebody gets

close. If I love you, what part of you might worry? That's a good question. Does any part of

close. If I love you, what part of you might worry? That's a good question. Does any part of you worry? Another really useful question is how do I respond when someone is trying to communicate

you worry? Another really useful question is how do I respond when someone is trying to communicate something to me? Do I stonewall or do I accept? Am I able to pause and think the issue might be with me? Or do I always have to go, "I can't answer that. It's the other person. You're being

unfair. You're putting me under pressure." What is your level of emotional dexterity? So that's

a good question to be asking yourself as well. Also, one of the really good questions in any relationship is to say, "How have I annoyed you?" How have I frustrated you? You know,

a lot of what happens between couples is there are things that are bubbling away beneath the surface that people can't find the courage to say. And because they can't say them, the problem doesn't improve. The problem gets worse. People can't have sex anymore. A lot of the reason why people can't

improve. The problem gets worse. People can't have sex anymore. A lot of the reason why people can't have sex has got nothing to do with sex. It's to do with the fact they feel disconnected and angry and misunderstood. You can't have sex with someone who you feel misunderstood by or you feel furious

and misunderstood. You can't have sex with someone who you feel misunderstood by or you feel furious with. What helps desire is trust. And the way to build up trust is to communicate, and particularly

with. What helps desire is trust. And the way to build up trust is to communicate, and particularly communicate, ruptures of trust. If you want to have good sex, don't get a candle, don't go to a hotel. Start to ask each other, "Have I annoyed you? Is there something I've done that you'd like

a hotel. Start to ask each other, "Have I annoyed you? Is there something I've done that you'd like to tell me?" And you say this patiently, not in the middle of the night when you're stressed or maybe you've drunk too much, but when you're calm, when there's a sense of lightness and forgiveness, use the right moment to ask the right question. We're living in a world where therapeutic language

and insights have spread for the first time far outside the consulting room. There is mass adoption at a superficial level of therapeutic language. And the area where we find this most obviously is social media and in particular Instagram, which is enormous, it's an enormous

force in the world, and it has brought up a generation, I'd say, to speak in pseudo or vaguely therapeutic terms. I don't mean that as an insult. Some of these insights have been fantastic.

People are now able to talk about, let's say, attachment theory, the mention of an avoidant attachment theory or an anxious attachment theory in many circles now doesn't create the puzzlement that it was generating 15 years ago. 15 years ago, this was not common knowledge. That was

still in the university, in textbooks and in the consulting room. Now it's out in the world. And

the medium that has changed this, as I say, is social media. What's the problem? I'll tell you one of the problems. One of the problems is whose fault it is. The tone of a lot of social media posting blames the problem for the struggles in relationships, fairly and squarely on the partner,

not on yourself. There is an obsession with finding borderline people, narcissistic people, avoidance, anxious people, out in the world. And of course they exist, but the tone is the problem.

The tone says, get out. These are red flags and everybody that you're meeting, the reason why you haven't made a relationship work, is because these people are unbalanced psychologically. My answer

is this. If you are looking to find a person with no problems at all, with no psychological disturbances, good luck to you. If you're looking to find somebody with no red flags, good luck to you. Everybody has red flags. That's part of what it means to be human. That's the story of Genesis.

you. Everybody has red flags. That's part of what it means to be human. That's the story of Genesis.

The story of Genesis is Adam and Eve had some red flags. That's what it is to be human being, is somebody with a red flag. So the problem is not the red flag, it's how you deal with it. And this

is what I worry that therapeutic culture on social media doesn't train us to do. It doesn't train us for patience. It doesn't train us to think we might be the problem. It doesn't ask us to think what we've brought to the situation. It doesn't create an atmosphere of forgiveness. The reason

is very simple, outrage sells. It's more fun, it feels more spirited. It's punchier to say that ex of yours, they're the avoidant, they're crazy, they're narcissistic. It sounds better and it

leaves everybody happier. But long term, it's not the solution. Chapter 4. Overcoming status anxiety and loneliness. You know, we mustn't forget that one of the sources of love that is most important

and loneliness. You know, we mustn't forget that one of the sources of love that is most important to us is not just interpersonal romantic love, but the love that you get from other people. Strangers

dependent on your standing in the community, your status. You know, status is a really interesting feature of everybody's ambitions. You know, why do we work so hard? We work so hard, not just for material rewards. We work hard in order to gain the esteem, the respect, the regard

of people whose good affections we rely on to feel good about ourselves. If you said to somebody, you've got a choice, either we'll give you $10 million a year, but every time anyone sees your face, they'll go, oh my God, I hate that person, they're awful. I despise that person. You could

have that option, or we'll give you a minimum wage, absolute minimum, bare minimum to survive.

But every time anyone sees you, they'll go, oh my God, that person is amazing, it's just great, etc. We know which one we'd pick. We know that we would pick the love and affection of the stranger and the respect and esteem of our community, way over simple material rewards. Now, in our culture, the reason why most of us work so hard and the reason why most of us are so interested in money has

nothing to do with the money. It's just that money is the chief conduit towards the love and respect that we stand to gain from our communities. If you change the status system and what you get status for, you will change the incentive structure. There have been periods in history where the number one thing you needed to do in order to have a high status was to worship God really intently.

And then if you're good at worshiping God, you'd be considered amazing. And then people did that in droves, and that was considered very, very serious. In other cultures, it was considered very serious to be a good hunter. So people became more and more good at hunting, and that was what you did. And that was the root to getting status. Nowadays, how do we know what the status system is

you did. And that was the root to getting status. Nowadays, how do we know what the status system is based on? We know it because of a very simple question that any stranger will ask us within

based on? We know it because of a very simple question that any stranger will ask us within normally 30 seconds of meeting us. What do you do? And according to how you answer that question, people are either going to be really pleased to see you. "Oh, great! We must hang out." Or they'll leave you alone by the peanuts and they don't want to know you. We're living in a world of snobs. A

snob is really anyone who takes a small part of you and comes to a global decision of what you're worth and how much love you're worth. And that is the reality, the brute reality of the way in which we live in society. We will be judged ruthlessly by our careers, by what is on our business card.

And we will be given love, status love, not romantic love, but status love. Maybe romantic

love too, that's another consideration. But generally status love according to how impressive we are in the field of careers. It's why we work so hard, it's why we're so panicked about careers, and it's why there's such despair when careers don't work out. We're losing not just materially, we're losing our sense of our good name in the eyes of society. It's very brutal. I think older

societies, pre-modern societies, had some built-in safety valves to try and protect people from that unitary sense that what you are worth is what you do, that you are what you do. It's always

been somewhere there in the system because we are material creatures, we do depend on material goods, so it's always been there as part of the mix. But other cultures have softened this in a way that ours no longer does. They've softened it in a number of ways. Firstly through religion, through the mass adoption of religion. And the interesting thing about religion is generally

the gods that people have worshiped love people, not for what they do but for who they are. They

look inside your soul. And that's a vital defence mechanism. You're giving unto Caesar what Caesar wants and the rest is up to God. And that gives you a sense of freedom. It's like, well, I may not be performing so well in my career, but I've got an alternative route to love and affection.

That's a huge defence. The other thing that really protected people was isolation. You know,

we are one of the first societies to be constantly surrounded. 24/7 by other people, we live in vast cities. Most of the world's population now lives in a city. That wasn't the case until, you know,

cities. Most of the world's population now lives in a city. That wasn't the case until, you know, a minute ago. This is very new. When you don't live in a city, what do you live surrounded by? A very important psychological tool called nature. Trees, rivers, forests, grasses, insects,

by? A very important psychological tool called nature. Trees, rivers, forests, grasses, insects, animals. What on earth has these things got to do with love? Well, what they do is they break that

animals. What on earth has these things got to do with love? Well, what they do is they break that unitary system where you are worth what another human being defines you as being worth. When

you're surrounded by nature, you're no longer just defined by other humans. You get to live in a more expansive, a more liberated world where your value is, you know, up to wider forces and that lends a lot of oxygen and a lot of freedom that we've lost as we've moved towards urban societies and of course, as we've gone online. Okay, here's another pet idea of mine. You know, religion

disappeared as the guiding force in people's lives around 100 years ago when Nietzsche famously said, "God is dead." He announced the death of God. Now, you might say, "Hang on a minute, there are lots and lots of believers." There are. Of course there are. Many societies are still defined by religion.

However, one can propose that in key ways we are no longer living in religious societies. We

are living in modern, secular societies that are based around romantic love, status performance, material goods, a denial of nature, a cutting off from the natural world, and a cutting off from any sense of human agency being limited. We believe in human agency being able to determine

everything. Along with that comes a denial, of course, of our own mortality. How would we

everything. Along with that comes a denial, of course, of our own mortality. How would we start to do something about that? Well, I think we need to look to religions for answers. Religions

have worked it out. I think that we need to steal from religions and to institute in secular culture many of the maneuvers of the safety valves and genuine insights that religions were brilliant at delivering. For example, we need to break bread together. All religions bring people, strangers

delivering. For example, we need to break bread together. All religions bring people, strangers together to break bread from different communities in order to lessen suspicion. We need to get back to a tradition of communal dining and of breaking the barriers that separates strangers from one

another. We need also to talk with intelligence and intent about love and about our capacity

another. We need also to talk with intelligence and intent about love and about our capacity and possibility of loving better than we do, of reminding ourselves that we need to make an effort around love. Buddhism does this, Christianity does this. All the main religions emphasize not just

around love. Buddhism does this, Christianity does this. All the main religions emphasize not just that love is important, but that love is hard, and we need a little bit of that. Religions also,

almost all of them, have created spaces that are separate from the spaces of commerce, spaces that are beautiful, spaces that are peaceful, spaces that bring people together to create a different kind of fellowship, one more guided by a spirit of friendship and kindness and vulnerability.

We need to replace our temples and churches with secular buildings that aren't just going to be shopping malls and that aren't just going to be car showrooms, but the places that will bring people together, the most beautiful community centers imaginable still need to be built, and I'd love to see them built. We think we're alone in being alone, and we think there is shame that

attends to admitting how alone we are. The root out of loneliness is to share your loneliness, is to dare to believe that the things you are most ashamed of cannot be, structurally they cannot be, things that exist in your heart alone, that they have to be things that despite the evidence, the surface evidence of other people's cheerfulness, probably exist in other people.

Other people are also lonely, are also sad, also feel lost, also feel that they've messed up, also have a hard time in their relationships. The beginning of friendship begins with the capacity to be vulnerable and to admit to loss and sadness. We think that friendship is a mutual club for cheerfulness, it's not. True friendship begins with tears, with the

ability to admit to sadness. This is why men in many ways have a harder time than women, forming deep friendships because men, there's still in many societies a real taboo around male tears.

Men cannot admit to being sad and weak without feeling that they have lost their masculinity.

Extremely unfortunate as a root to friendship because it means that your friendship will need to be based on posturing and on the recounting of triumph and success. Whereas in fact, of course, true friendship begins with the revelation of vulnerability and fragility. As ever with a problem, self-awareness and mutual awareness is the way through. Once we can see the pattern,

we can break the pattern. Once we can see that we're living in a prison defined by a material, a material status system that many of us don't value, that we are doing this not because we want to, but because it exists, we can start to find alternatives. I'm not talking about throwing in your job. I'm talking about evaluating yourself and other people beyond your job.

I'm talking about getting back in touch with nature. I'm talking about getting in touch with vulnerability and sharing that vulnerability. These are all tools and mechanisms that we can put in motion to escape an otherwise really oppressive and genuinely loveless environment in which we're forced to live and can't breathe very easily in. You could define love as the quest

to overcome isolation and understand someone else and find understanding by someone else. It is the most noble and the most complicated of goals. If anyone can reach the end of their life and say, "I have loved. I've loved properly. I've understood and been understood. I've helped

and been helped." This is a life well-lived. We don't need to achieve that much that is splendid in the material world or in the world of insight in the humanities, insight in the sciences. What

we really ultimately need to do to make our time worthwhile is to have built a bridge to another human and to have opened our heart and have seen theirs with respect and humility and generosity.

That truly ultimately is the definition of a good life. Want to support the channel?

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