Nearly Beaten to Death... Then I Became a Hollywood Icon | Oliver Trevena

of the biggest realizations I've had is that everything I ever thought that would make me happy hasn't you're now in Hollywood, you have businesses, you have all these things.

I think Hollywood for me it's been a roller coaster of happiness, depression, darkness, and you got a crowd of people clapping instantly. I was like, "Oh,

clapping instantly. I was like, "Oh, maybe I am enough. Maybe I do fit in."

It's literally since I was a kid, it was why why am I here? What am I doing here?

But at the time, that was that was definitely my escape. But we've all got that feeling of not being enough. And

for me, what's shifted it is just I could sit here and genuinely say from a place of truth that I love my life and I would like to continue living.

Try not to cry.

Cry, bro. Why are you trying not to?

Words have power. If there's a word or a phrase that you can tell yourself right now, a lot of things that I've tried to tell myself like look in the mirror and tell myself I'm enough. But I think what

really hits me is just Is there a lesson that you know that life has been trying to teach you that you feel like you keep running away from?

Is exactly what we're talking about is just cuz if I can I can enjoy every moment.

Welcome to another episode of You Versus You. On this week's episode, I have the

You. On this week's episode, I have the pleasure of speaking to British actor, producer, and entrepreneur Oliver Trevina. From starting on the Paradox

Trevina. From starting on the Paradox Effect to co-founding Cali Water with Vanessa Hudins, he's redefining the Hollywood business model. Today we speak about success, happiness, and what it

truly means to have purpose.

Oliver, welcome to You Versus You.

Thanks for having me.

Uh, you know, I'm excited to have you here. Not only cuz we've shared a lot of

here. Not only cuz we've shared a lot of really great times together, which would have been random, but we've been like in Porto de Marty and IA and all these other places, but because I generally

feel there's something special about the energy you carry, you know, and and I think that um it resonates in everything that you do. not only in friendship but I can I

do. not only in friendship but I can I can see why you are accomplishing the things that that you are. Um but I want to kick it off there. Why entertainment?

It's a big question. I I think it was just putting me from a kid. I I I I got into uh entertainment when I was four years old. My mom I grew up in a a

years old. My mom I grew up in a a little town south of London um on the south coast called Hastings. There's not

a lot of entertainment happening there other than pubs, you know. Um, and I'm the youngest of four boys. And my mom, my mom says I chose to do it. It's still

an argument we have to this day. But I

was four years old and I ended up doing ballet.

And I did that for 12 years. So I did ballet tap, modern jazz. Um, got very, you know, accomplished in it. But ballet

was the, you know, the thing that I guess got me out of the small town, took me to London. Um and yeah so entertainment you know from then I went

into you know theater at the same time um acting school um everything else and I think yeah it's strange looking back because as I say I still don't know how I even saw ballet back then like it was

the 80s I grew up there wasn't Dancing with the Stars and stuff like that you know what I mean and it definitely wasn't cool you know um that's why I started getting tattoos when I was like 14 years old I just didn't want to get

bullied I was like no I'm tough really Um but that was that was what you know painted that path. Um

you know it could have gone a different way. I think life is definitely sliding

way. I think life is definitely sliding doors in so many moments of our life you know but that is what kind of got me into entertainment and I loved it you know I love the the rush the being on stage you know seeking that

validation.

Um but yeah that's that's what got me into it. What do you think like if you

into it. What do you think like if you can look back and feel back those moments right as as a kid like feeling the art of performance right because I think there's something special.

Was it something that felt pressured?

Was it something that felt like the I feel whole here. What was the feeling of like sitting into performance? What was it about it that

performance? What was it about it that continued to drew you in? Even if your mom put you in it, right? Even if it was her that look my mom put me in it. I stayed in it for 12 years. I didn't have to. you

know, my dad loved football and I used to play a lot of football. I could have easily, you know, switched. Um, to your point there, you know, we I think we all have chapters, right, in in life, for sure. Um, but going back to that

sure. Um, but going back to that chapter, for me, it was a feeling of, you know, I didn't feel enough as a kid.

I always felt different. You know, I had three older brothers. From the minute, as as young as I can remember, I felt different. you know, at least the

different. you know, at least the performance side for me helped me be someone different, you know, like whether it was a theater show or whether I was on stage, that kid that got

dressed up and got on stage in that moment, I was someone different. Of

course, I was still me, but it gave me an escape in a way, you know, and then like I say that, you know, the the slippery things that come with that are like it sounds funny, but it is it is validation, right? Like when you're

validation, right? Like when you're standing on a stage and you do well and you got a crowd of people clapping, instantly I was like, "Oh, maybe I maybe I am enough. maybe I do fit in. And then

that's a slippery slope as a kid because then that's what I'm seeking not only on stage but I'm seeking it everywhere. To

answer your question, I think it was just it gave me an outlet. It gave me like an escape of that feeling in my head, my mind that those thoughts that was always like,

you know, it's literally since I was a kid, it was why why am I here? What am I doing here? Like I'd look at people and

doing here? Like I'd look at people and be like, I'm so not like you. Um, and

not in a negative way, just like I didn't quite understand me. And but when I got on stage or when I did something like that, it was like an escape and I

felt me, I guess, even though, you know, you unravel it all and then you're like, that wasn't me either, you know. Um, but at the time that was that was definitely my escape.

And I think that's that's what that's why I loved it, you know. That's why I became addicted to it was because it was like it was a relief of the mind, you know, as soon as I was up there, that was it.

It's really interesting because you touched on on so many things that I think, you know, barely gets talked about. Um, I can relate to the fact that

about. Um, I can relate to the fact that I feel like my mind doesn't stop. like I

I felt growing up that I wasn't normal, you know, and in we grew up in a in an era where mental health or like really understanding the

things that we struggle with mentally and how we look at these things where there were not conversations that people were having like nobody was coming in here and saying, "Oh, okay." No, it's it's it's your mind. Your mind controls

all these things. Um, and my mind for for uh as a 8-year-old, 7-year-old was just running wild and my imagination and how I looked at the world. And

but it also, which is really crazy cuz when you think back at our careers, I think that that, you know, like you said, it's been a gift. That's probably

the reason we're here because we can look at a situation and like solve it in a way that other people just don't see it.

But with all that superpower, there's this insecurity that comes of like I'm not good enough or like do I really belong here?

Of course. Well, it's like it's a lot of the realizations or work that I'm constantly doing is around patterns, right? Like it's our patterns that got

right? Like it's our patterns that got us from 4 to 15 and then 15 to 30 or whatever might have been amazing, but they might not work for this next chapter, you know? And it's it's

understanding that like what was good for me then and I'm grateful for it but now I can let that you know try to let that part of me go you know or try to find balance in it or try and find a middle ground.

You know I was watching um the scientist speak about your your brain development as you're growing up and and how it gets influenced. and he was talking about how

influenced. and he was talking about how when you're born until you're about like 8 years old, 9 years old, um or maybe a little younger, there's this box that gets created in your life by your

parents, right? Because your parents are

parents, right? Because your parents are uh by default taking their own trauma, their own things and say, "Okay, don't do that.

Don't do this.

Hey, this could be wrong.

Here's the religion you have to practice. Here's the things that you

practice. Here's the things that you have to do. Here's how the world looks.

here. And so you build this box and your world becomes oh that's that's my truth of course right then as you start meeting some friends and you start realizing well they got

divorced parents they're thinking about it in a different way they're maybe Jewish or Christian or something else then it's like a a ship of this box gets broken and now starts getting replaced with this idea that there's something

different then as you kind of grow older and go into high school you know society comes in and now you have an opinion of media being fed to you that says, "Hey, this

is the right thing. Hey, you know, the wealthy and rich and having nice things is is how you get selfworth and do all these things." And said, "Well, once you get to high school now, you

have a whole bunch of this part in that box.

A small corner of what your parents taught you that you are now trying to erase as you think you're discovering who you are.

A huge part of what your friends are telling you. And then you enter the

telling you. And then you enter the reality of society because you go to college and it's like if you're a man, you got to go make money, you gotta have this, you got to be married, you got to have kids, you got to have this, you got to have that. And if you're a woman, if

you're not having kids, you know. And he

he said for men and for women, as they're getting closer to their 40s, they stop by a mirror and they say, "Who the [ __ ] am I?"

Uhhuh.

And he said, "Most people walk away."

Right?

And the work is to sit in front of that mirror and try to revisit what that is and rechallenge that, right? Because

part of all these things that that we live um and I heard you speak about this in in a couple of the other interviews that you've done is the programming and the stories we tell

our minds, right? Like we

tell our minds that we're not good enough, but the reality is we're actually okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We're more than presently okay.

Um, so as you've with that concept in mind, as you go from, you know, being in theater, being a kid, and we'll we'll go back to that stage in your life, you're

now in Hollywood, right?

You're now a name in Hollywood. You've

done films, you have businesses, you have all these things.

How does the Oliver of today feel about the things that he was dealing with as a child?

um the Oliver today. I mean, look, it's work, right? I think the biggest I think

work, right? I think the biggest I think in a nutshell, the biggest realizations I've had, I mean, I'm, you know, 43, I would say, in the last few years, is that everything I ever thought that

would make me happy hasn't.

That's the simplest way of I got goosebumps. Like, that's the simplest

goosebumps. Like, that's the simplest way of the growth or the work that I'm doing.

That's what it is because coming to Hollywood, you know, 20 20 odd more than 20 years ago, the chase, you know, um, and I've been fortunate enough to

succeed in so many of the areas that I would have dreamed of succeeding in. But

that little boy that was on the stage that didn't feel enough, none of that changed that. you know, the car, the

changed that. you know, the car, the house, the the girlfriend, the the watch, the the jewelry, the the every every single little thing that I've

clutched at or tried to get to just free that part of my mind, it never worked.

Never worked. So, for me, the the I won't say battle. I I think I actually find more peace in it than anything else

is is doing what I want to do and what makes me feel good. And what

I'm finding is is normally the most simplest things, you know? It's not the don't get me wrong, I still love nice things. You're still going to see me

things. You're still going to see me have nice trips and do nice [ __ ] and everything else, but it's not necessarily always that, you know? It's

like stopping, pausing, and then being like, what do I what do I want to do in this moment? What do I want to do? You

this moment? What do I want to do? You

know, um and and and listening to that part of the brain or or the heart, I should say, instead of instead of rushing into, oh my god, this this is amazing. this is glamorous, this is

amazing. this is glamorous, this is so cool, I'm going to rush into that, you know, even from a job perspective.

It's it's doing what I want to do, you know. And that doesn't mean that then

know. And that doesn't mean that then suddenly like I don't like nice things or I don't like to live a nice life or I don't like to go to nice hotels or on trips or whatever it is. It just means like I know that I'm doing that cuz I

want to do it, not because I'm doing it because I expect it to then make me feel something. And that removing that

something. And that removing that expectation of the outcome makes me enjoy it more. And this is something that's like new like I'm trying to do this like as we speak like on a daily

basis. Um, but that's been the biggest

basis. Um, but that's been the biggest realization and I think for me like I've done a lot of you know like as I say work on myself around like patterns and this and there's been some amazing

things in life that's helped me like I will say like the Hoffman Institute I went to a few years ago and that was amazing and various you know I get chapters in life where I've tried to

really peel back the onion and find out what's going on. Why why do I not feel like enough? And I think the more I've

like enough? And I think the more I've tried to peel back the onion, the place I've got to is that just accepting that I am enough and I haven't got to carry

on peeling back the onion.

You know, like that that just feeling of being like, oh, I'm actually okay.

Yeah.

Instead of constantly still trying to be like, why aren't I good? What what

trauma affected me as a kid? What was

it? Was it being beaten up? Was it, you know, whatever it was? Was it parent stuff? Whatever it Whatever it was that

stuff? Whatever it Whatever it was that we've all got, right? Some people have it a lot worse. Some people have it fortunate enough not to have it as bad.

But we've all got that feeling of not being enough. And for me, what's shifted

being enough. And for me, what's shifted it is just accepting that I don't want to keep trying to fix me anymore. Like, I'm okay. Everything's

me anymore. Like, I'm okay. Everything's

okay.

Like, I've got a dog on my lap right now. I'm sitting talking to a mate.

now. I'm sitting talking to a mate.

Yeah.

I'm in LA right now. He's okay.

Yeah. The only time I'm tripping is when I'm thinking about the past or the future. And it's the [ __ ] that we all

future. And it's the [ __ ] that we all Sorry, my language. It's the stuff that we all read in books all the time.

And it's so simple. And I think there's a reason it's in so many books is cuz it's so simple and it does work.

It's that realization. And then, don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the nice things. But am I having expectation that

things. But am I having expectation that that new car that I want is going to suddenly make Oliver feel enough?

Because if I am, it ain't going to work.

Don't get the car. If I actually stop and I'm like, do I want to buy this car because I I [ __ ] want I want this car and it's for me and I'm going to enjoy driving it.

Then buy the car, you know? But none of it is going to

you know? But none of it is going to really, you know, that's why people always mind blown when they're like, "Oh, I met this couple in, you know, Thailand and they were the happiest people ever and they had nothing." Well,

it's because how many times do we have to all be shown that none of that is actually going to give you that feeling?

You know, that's the that's the chase.

So, I think Hollywood for me has been a lot of it's been a roller coaster of happiness depression darkness brilliance, and and and the chase. And

I'm trying to slow down the chase a little bit now. That's probably where I'm at in life.

Do you remember the moment or or the stage or chapter of your life where you realize, "Oh, shoot.

All the things I thought were going to make this better are not there. Was it

like an event? Was it something that you lived and were like, the little kid in me, if you went back to Hastings and the little kid in tights with lipstick on standing on the stage and you said you were going to be in a, you know, Hollywood movies, I would have

been like, I mean, that's like the biggest dream. And now I'm getting to do

biggest dream. And now I'm getting to do that, but I'm not I wasn't enjoying the moment of it because while I was on set, I'm constantly thinking where's the next project? What what can I package next?

project? What what can I package next?

So, I'm constantly thinking about business stuff. I'm con and then the

business stuff. I'm con and then the movie's gone and then everyone's clapping at the rap party being like, "We're wrapped." I'm like, "What just

"We're wrapped." I'm like, "What just happened?" You know?

happened?" You know?

Um, so yeah, to answer your question that it's still I find that, you know, not everyone, but at least for me, it's been like a rubber band, right? Like

I'll I'll have the I'll have that aha moment. I'll have the realization and

moment. I'll have the realization and then you're going down this path and then you slip and it's how quickly you get off that back onto the path and then you'll have another aha moment. So I

don't think for me it's just been like boom that realization I've had that realization a few times and I feel like every time there's a moment very recently like a a week or so ago where

it just happened again and it felt like it hit on a on a core level that's that shifted me. But I I don't know what the

shifted me. But I I don't know what the future holds right now. I feel great and I feel like change has happened. But the

first time I felt it was I remember exactly where it was. And this is this sounds so obnoxious. I was at San Vente Bungalows members club, right? And I was meant to be going on this Hoffman

Institute course and basically I had pushed it probably I think over the space of two years I'd pushed it eight times and they kept emailing saying you know you're going to lose your deposit and I was like oh well

please put me on April course please put me on and every time I'd push it sometimes cuz I got a job sometimes just cuz I was like I don't need this. I'm

crushing life now.

I hope you're enjoying this episode of You Versus You. If these conversations are inspiring you and are bringing value to your life, please make sure to subscribe, join the community, and don't forget to share with anyone who you think needs to hear this. Thank you for

supporting the show. Now, let's get back to our episode. And I got an email from the the facilitator saying, "Hey, we're going to have to take you off this waiting list of this course." And I read

the email and something in me dropped.

Like my stomach dropped and I went into like their little back patio area and I emailed her and said, "Can you get on a call?" And she said, "Yeah." And I I

call?" And she said, "Yeah." And I I called and I said, "I need to come." And

and it was that moment because I realized everything I was getting, everything I'd got and I was, you know, crushing life. So I thought, and I was I

crushing life. So I thought, and I was I was more empty than I've ever felt in my life. Like literally more more lost

life. Like literally more more lost than than than the kid that had nothing.

And so in that moment, that was when I went and that was when, you know, that that whole course is about like patterns and peeling back life and going back to where it all started and letting it all go. And and it's amazing. And I'd like

go. And and it's amazing. And I'd like to say that it like, you know, fixes everything, but it doesn't because we're a constant we're in we're in life every day. and life every day, especially with

day. and life every day, especially with phones and, you know, media and everything else that we're pulled into.

And people, you know, I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by massively successful people both in entertainment and in business. And that little voice in my head wants to tell me all the time

that I'm not doing good enough because that guy's, you know, doing this and that guy's doing that. And that for me is the daily battle is just, you know, and that's the shift I feel this time

around is just like taking time for me.

And it sounds, you know, I think we're raised, at least our generation, in a way of like, you know, me is selfish.

You know, putting me first is selfish.

And so I've always tried to do the opposite. Yet, you know, it's it's it's

opposite. Yet, you know, it's it's it's I hate being the cliche guy, but it's so true that, you know, you got to put your own mask on. It's that simple. And so if I start every day by just trying to what do I want today? what do I want to

do? You know, it doesn't mean I'm going

do? You know, it doesn't mean I'm going to let my businesses fail or anything else, but you can only do what you can do, you know, and then the rest you got to kind of surrender to and accept.

Acceptance is really what shifted me.

Yeah. I think it's it's amazing that you pinpoint acceptance, too, because I think I would say 100% of the battle is accepting, right? 100% of the battle is

accepting, right? 100% of the battle is saying like I'm okay.

Mhm.

And none of these things are going to change.

Yeah. Also in that same token because uh I know a lot of people hear this and and all of us it happens to all of us right where we start doing really good we're on track we feel really good something happens and then we're like but I got

you get the anxiety of like you're not doing good and you let go of the teaching and the learnings and it's like even accepting that right and one of the things

that's a rush you know like I got used to the rush like my my healthy day I can look at as a little bit boring you know nothing. But the but the addiction

know nothing. But the but the addiction to that rush of that adrenaline of something's like I'm stressing myself out to the point that that like part of my brain it feels like I've you know done a drug or I'm doing like so I've

had to let that go you know.

No again for me I think in my personal life the first thing that came was the realization that I actually don't control anything.

Yeah.

Right. That it was like I I could plan all I want. I can work 24 hours. I can

take 20 million calls. I can get on the computer. I can do all these things and

computer. I can do all these things and it can still fail.

Mhm.

And it was in that realization that I understood, okay, so if my job is not to do because that's the universe's job because I obviously don't control

anything. What is my job? And that's

anything. What is my job? And that's

where I in my personal life started to understand that it was to do nothing to stand still to learn to be still enough to listen and then courageous

enough to act. And it was I was sitting in the back of my my Maybag and I was looking out the window as as I was dealing with an an issue that had

happened that day and I said, "Man, it's so much nicer sitting in the back of the car and letting the universe and the creator drive."

drive." Mhm. And it was the realization of those

Mhm. And it was the realization of those two moments for me that was like, okay, so how do I listen to my body when is when

it's doing something out of fear, right?

Cuz we stress because we feel that if we don't do that at that moment and if this is not handled correctly, then everything's going to be bad and we're going to lose and this and it's like accepting that no actually nothing's

everything's okay.

Yeah.

Everything is happening what it needs to happen. And when you react, you're in

happen. And when you react, you're in the way of you're you're getting the steering wheel and you're taking the car. But the thing is,

car. But the thing is, I think all of us in society continues to teach us this is you got to drive it right. Get the bull by the horns. The

right. Get the bull by the horns. The

famous bull on Wall Street. Take this,

do this by yourself. If you don't hustle, if you don't go do this, if you don't knock on the doors, if you don't do all this stuff, and the realization is even in our business, how many

talented people are out there that are not a superstar? M and how many people just seems like things just flows flow

to them, right? And I think is the realization that everything's a gift.

Mhm.

That you actually haven't earned anything.

That what you've done is you've been a good shepherd of what has been given to you.

Right. That's what discipline and hard work and doing those things is just being a good shepherd of something that the universe handed to you.

But if you don't control anything, including your own life, you don't actually control that opportunity coming to you other than being willing and accepting to understand

that it's just a gift.

Those two realizations for me in my personal life and in my business life started to shift, but it started to shift in a very interesting way cuz I at first I thought, okay, well, this is a

an amazing formula for manifestation, right? because I let go and I am clear

right? because I let go and I am clear on what I want and don't want. I am

clear on understanding I don't attract.

I get out of the way of the universe. So

I now see clearly and I'm manifesting things.

And now kind of the challenge number two which is what you were talking about is how do I define what I actually want to do? Mhm.

do? Mhm.

How do I define what actually is coming to me from a place of wholeness internally and not buying a car cuz you you need to have the car cuz the your neighbor just got the hottest card and

you got to have the other one or or I have to do this because I have all this pressure of having to take care of people, having to supply for parents and

for family and this and this. And my

spiritual leader says something to me.

He goes, "Lex, no one needs saving."

Mhm.

You're not Superman.

you're getting in the way of them being able to understand their own process in life. That doesn't mean don't take care.

life. That doesn't mean don't take care.

That doesn't mean don't do something great. The question is why?

great. The question is why?

Mhm.

You're a great You could be a great giver. Question is why are you giving?

giver. Question is why are you giving?

Mhm.

Are you giving because you're expecting something back? Are you giving because

something back? Are you giving because you you need the feeling in order to do it?

Of course. or you giving because it's the best, you know, it's it's once again what people say and tell you, but that best feeling is when you do something without expectations, you know, when you do something for someone randomly on the

street and you leave, you're like, "Fuck, that feels good."

Cuz there was no expectation in return, you know. Um, and the acceptance part, I

you know. Um, and the acceptance part, I think there's a there's a, you know, once again, there's a reason why every every book you read or every spiritual path or leader or anything will revert

it back to acceptance, right? cuz

everything if you accept everything as it is everything's okay you know that's just you know perception if if if I accept exactly where I am in this moment it's okay but for me it's never been like

the understanding of that has never then suddenly changed me for life it's a daily it's a daily battle you know is there a lesson that you know that life has been trying to teach you that

you feel like you keep running away from it's a big question I mean honestly the biggest The biggest lesson for me that I'm constantly trying

to now live by even as I say the the the kind of recent stuff that I went through myself is exactly what we're talking about is just that acceptance. You know, it's

it's crazy to say cuz my my grandma, you know, passed 20 years ago now who was an incredible woman, like a strong Irish woman, raised like I don't know 11 kids.

Um she used to always say always say it's, you know, it's always okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

And now even I look at that quote as another way of saying acceptance. You

know, even that quote itself, I never I never heard it that way or never, you know, looked at it that way and no one ever broke it down that way. But that's

just another way of accepting. And I

think that's the that's the biggest lesson is accepting, right? Cuz if I can accept, I can enjoy every moment, you know? If I can accept it's not about the

know? If I can accept it's not about the little indie movie independent movie I'm doing compared to the big Marvel movie.

I'm accepting and I'm happy on that. You

know, it doesn't accept acceptance can change everything. You know,

change everything. You know, even breakups, you know, I'm still I still do that. You know, I still be the guy that falls in love and I'm like, "Oh my god, she left me. She doesn't want me. What's wrong with me? Why am I If I

me. What's wrong with me? Why am I If I just accept if I literally just say in that moment, she doesn't want me and I accept that I'm okay.

The only pain is grip is not is not accepting." Literally, you say it out

accepting." Literally, you say it out loud and it's so simple, you know. Um,

even my dog just left me. Even my dog doesn't want me. I'm almost leaving on the floor. Just

the floor. Just listen to our conversation. Just left me with a bunch of hair.

Um, you know, it's interesting because in in my inner work, I started to um to understand that that's the the true

identity and purpose of this place, right? is that we are our soul has

right? is that we are our soul has chosen this specific life to learn lessons and we're in school just like when you're in school you

don't pass a grade you got to do it again right and but it did two things for me in understanding that one was that I started to understand that I should

feel no pity for the things that I've gone through because it was my soul specifically chose these things.

But I started to also learn something as a father in how to teach my daughter and it was that we have been taught to run away from hard times. We have been

taught to run away from things that feel uncomfortable.

We have been taught that the the right thing to do as a friend or as a parent or as a son is to tell the other person, "Hey, it's okay. You'll see the light at

the end of the tunnel. Hey, it's okay.

This too shall pass. Hey, it's okay. Um,

you know, this is momentarily.

And the truth is that in the fire is the lesson. In the uncomfortable of the

lesson. In the uncomfortable of the moment is the lesson.

Because if you don't control anything as as as we said before when you look at my life and your life a million and one things have to happen perfectly for you and I to be sitting

here together having this conversation.

Of course.

So any uncomfortable moment that we feel as friends is there to be as a mirror.

The blessing is in the fire. The

difference is that we've associated pain with suffering.

Mhm.

Pain is necessary to grow. You go to the gym every day.

You hit the the you got to hit it. You

you know, you got to work hard to have a success. You got to do all these things.

success. You got to do all these things.

Suffering is is mental.

And for me, the moment I understood the difference between those two things, the difference that you know, you love cold plunges and you can get in there and feel nothing. I can get in there and go

feel nothing. I can get in there and go into By the way, I still I hate it, too.

Exactly.

I I go through phases once again. I'll

be like the ice bath guy. I'm like, you ain't getting me in there, you know?

But that's the thing. It's like it's it's the mental state, the perception of the moment that is creating the suffering right?

But in the understanding that sitting in that fire is the lesson, I started to look at the things that make me uncomfortable. I started to look at the things that in relationships, you

know, I I'll give you But I want to I want to There's something there that comes to my mind that I want to push like I want to push back.

Yeah.

Cuz I I'm with you, right? the pain we the pain is where we learn the lessons where what if sometimes in life there's no lesson to be learned that's what I found for me is like I'm always trying to learn from the pain or

learn what can I learn from this how can I grow what about there's nothing to learn or nothing to grow what about in that moment if you're just like it is what it is

but that's the lesson the lesson is every situation has a purpose right and it's not The hunt of the lesson every time, right?

Like you won't have it clear every time is the acceptance of saying, "Okay, this has happened to me with purpose, right?

Cuz nothing is just random, right?

It has happened to me with purpose, so I will accept what that is." Even if that moment of acceptance is I feel some pain right now, right?

I'm a little sad. And if you really, this is the I guess another thing that I've definitely learned recently that took so long to learn was it's not just accepting. You have to

accept it on such a deeper level. Cuz I

thought a million times, I've accepted, right? Like, oh, I've accepted a

right? Like, oh, I've accepted a breakup. I've accepted I didn't get that

breakup. I've accepted I didn't get that job. And then years later, it's still

job. And then years later, it's still hitting me.

It's not a thought, it's a feeling.

It's a feeling. Exactly. You have to have the acceptance on such a deep level that you move forward.

Yeah. And I believe that same thing happens in manifestation. Like I believe that there is this power when you not only think about oh I want

to get this or I want to have a family but you genuinely put yourself in that place where you feel what that feels like where you feel like

what holding the woman that you're going to love feels like. what the what feeling having a little boy or a little girl walking around that that feeling of that emotion makes it so real to you because the thing is

the brain doesn't know the difference.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think that's the thing that I I've learned the most which is we are telling ourselves and other people's stories all day long right everything that we say

even a compliment is a story but we're with ourselves more than we are with everybody else. Mhm.

What stories are we telling ourselves?

And how are those stories impacting our reality? Because our brain believes it.

reality? Because our brain believes it.

Yeah.

Our brain believes if you say, "Hey, I I have a headache or I have this stomach pain," your brain is registering a signal that you are digesting as pain.

I I've had a lot of stomach problems in my life. And when I went to the doctor,

my life. And when I went to the doctor, um, you know, I went to like this mega super specialist, the guy that was the goat of the goats, and he said, "Here's the thing, Lex. Your stomach has all the

same sensors that your brain has. Your

brain is sensor sending a sensor down that the stomach needs to react. So the

stomach goes into full reaction, of course, and then it's sensing that sensor right back to your brain to say that feeling is called pain."

Yeah.

And then you feel it as pain. So now you register that same feeling in everything else. And he said, "We found that people

else. And he said, "We found that people who have this neural link going on between their body and their brain are not strong to pain. You barely pinch

him and there's something." And so the moment we stop that signal, all of a sudden you see the person completely heal from whatever they're they're

dealing with because the the the brain is recognizing there's nothing wrong.

Tells the body there's nothing wrong.

The body realigns itself and gets itself into a place where it can heal itself.

And so it tells you the power of our brain. It tells you the power of our

brain. It tells you the power of our thoughts. It tells you the power of the

thoughts. It tells you the power of the stories we tell ourselves. And for me, that's been I want to say the the chapter of my life I'm dealing with, right? It's like,

right? It's like, how do I watch what I'm telling myself?

And how do I make the difference between, oh, this is a story or this is reality? Yeah.

Or how do I identify fear as something that is present, but I'm not necessarily feeling it? And how do I create that

feeling it? And how do I create that relationship? because it's a hard

relationship? because it's a hard thought to think like, okay, fear is here, but I'm not feeling it. You know,

when when you're digesting it in in your everyday and I think it's the same that we we mentioned with the at least for me was like the rush that I was used to, you know, the rush of getting on a plane every week, flying somewhere, doing

something, doing this, doing that, that rush of, you know, not being enough kind of kept me getting more, you know. So,

it's like you become that becomes normal as well. And it's about understanding I,

as well. And it's about understanding I, you know, it goes back to just what you want. You know, what what you truly

want. You know, what what you truly want, not on a comparing yourself to others level, not on a what the world tells us we should be doing or living.

What we actually want in our in our hearts, what that little boy truly wants, you know, like taking it back as far as you can take it back what that little kid actually wanted in that moment. And it's is I got into a not I

moment. And it's is I got into a not I won't say a debate but like a yeah a healthy conversation with a friend of mine the other day because we were talking about this and I was talking about the acceptance part and how like

it you just accept the present moment and maybe there's nothing left to fix and then he took that as like yeah but then why would you get up and work and I'm like you're missing the point. Just

accepting doesn't mean that you're going to accept your surroundings if you're broke and you can't pay your rent.

That's not you don't accept that. If you

want more, if you truly sit there and in that moment you want more, then you want more. Then go for more. Don't accept

more. Then go for more. Don't accept

that. But at the end of the day, if you've really done the best you can do and you know that, then accept that.

It's just connecting with yourself more, connecting with your higher self, your God, whatever, whatever you believe in.

And I think that's the part. And it

doesn't mean that, you know, there's nothing left to fix, meaning that you're going to make mistakes or upset people or be rude and never never clean up your side of the street. I truly believe that, you know, keeping your side of the street is massive, massively clean, not

just and it's really not about other people. It's about yourself, you know,

people. It's about yourself, you know, letting your own mind be free of any resentments, you know, and that's that's the biggest thing as well. And that's

why I think it really is a daily battle because in today's world, you can't have that aha moment and then go sit on a mountain top and never see anyone again.

You're going to be confronted with different things every day. And and and you're gonna For me, I I slip up, right?

That's it. I I I don't know why, but I feel like I slip up more than others.

And I've accepted that. And I'll be like, "Why the [ __ ] did I just scream at that guy in the car and want to kill him when I've just left the meditation zoo, you know, like, but you can clean that up, you know, like you just you you you

clean it up and you keep your side of the street clean and then tomorrow's a new day, you know?

We're so used to saying little things like, I think I mess up more than everybody else, right? And it and it and it's like these little things that we have said like even I was on a trip with my dad. we went to Europe around and he

my dad. we went to Europe around and he was so used to just saying we do what we can with with what we have and that's just what it is. And like he like as we were talking I said, "Dad, like you're

driving in a Porsche GTS all over Europe. Like how much power your word

Europe. Like how much power your word has?" And he caught himself. He's like,

has?" And he caught himself. He's like,

"Wow, I have all these things that we learn, these little sayings, these little things that we our mind believes that trick us into saying these things that we think they're just jokes,

but they're not jokes. Like there really are what your brain is registering as for me. I'm seeing that when I say that

for me. I'm seeing that when I say that I'm genuinely seeing it from a place of I'm okay with that.

Like by the way there are some people that have an aha moment and they [ __ ] they're on this cloud.

You know, I've been around them and I it's amazing to witness.

Yeah.

Hasn't happened for me yet. And that's

okay.

That's okay.

Um and maybe one day it will and I'll come back on the podcast. You'll see me in a white cloak and I'll be floating just above this chair. But, you know, I but but I I I think that that's the

that's the thing. I I I generally uh and I'm so glad you br I generally think that the the acceptance is just everything. It's it's the understanding

everything. It's it's the understanding that it's it's the easiest way to get through anything. It's the easiest way, the

anything. It's the easiest way, the simplest and easiest way.

And you know, I I've tried I've done a people make jokes about it. Like

literally, I will go on every I'll try every course. I'll try every IV. I'll

every course. I'll try every IV. I'll

try, you know, I was doing NAD like 10 years ago. I'd fly up to San Francisco.

years ago. I'd fly up to San Francisco.

I'd try ketamine IVs. I've done every single thing to try and make me feel different. And I would say the most

different. And I would say the most powerful thing beyond any drug and any course and any anything any any outside thing that we try and fill ourselves with. The most

powerful thing is just acceptance in in that moment is accepting. And you get a feeling of relief that no drug, no no drink, no no hot Victoria's Secret

model, no one is going to give you.

It's just that moment of acceptance. And

this is where I am. And you just you suddenly it's like you get high. You can

literally be like, "Ah." And I've been trying it so much the last week. I can

tell you it's been crazy to just be like, "Oh my god, it's that simple."

It's really that simple. And and the greatest thing is at any point in your day, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, if you're in a car, maybe don't close your eyes, but like pull over, you

can just have that moment of like it is what it is. You know, it's I'm accepting this. And truly, like you

accepting this. And truly, like you said, not just saying it, feeling it, and accepting it, and taking it long enough, whether it's 10 seconds, a minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour,

whatever it is, to sit in that moment and accept whatever is going on in your life right now. And that's that's that to me is better than you know anything else. At least for me it's what works or

else. At least for me it's what works or is what work is what what is working.

Yeah. What would you say you're afraid of?

I I I'm not afraid of dying but I would like to live because I'm enjoying my life.

That's beautiful. And that's not something that I can genuinely I don't think I could sit here and genuinely say from a place of truth

that I love my life and I would like to continue living for probably 99% of my life. just took a long long

time to get to a place where I can sit with a friend and say that I actually like my life and and and mean it, you

know, cuz I painted that picture for a long time. I didn't feel it, you know. So,

time. I didn't feel it, you know. So,

that feels that feels kind of good. But

there's a bit of fear there cuz I don't want it to end now cuz I feel like I'm just getting going, you know? I

genuinely don't want it to to end.

So yeah.

But but once again, I can't control that, you know.

I don't know what's going on. Um but

yeah, I'm not I'm not really scared of anything, which is weird because that that that is why I guess I feel a little bit lately like my life's I don't feel it's boring, but it's

definitely different cuz I'm not in fear. The fear was adrenaline, right? Fear is a rush.

adrenaline, right? Fear is a rush.

That's why people jump out of planes, you know? Nothing scares me now.

you know? Nothing scares me now.

Generally nothing. If there's like, you know, as you've transitioned into this place of acceptance, is there a mantra or something you tell

yourself that audience listening says, "Man, I want that feeling Oliver just described."

described." What what kind of words do you tell yourself that allow you to in these moments of, you know, getting a call about work didn't go right or getting a

call of of a job maybe not going or things happen or getting a ticket like you before, you know, that would piss anybody up? Like in that moment, is

anybody up? Like in that moment, is there a mantra that you're using for yourself of just like, go I hate to repeat it, but it's just the acceptance, right? In that moment, I

was meant to get a ticket. Can I do anything about it? No. I mean, how many times have we tried to talk around a policeman? Doesn't work. You know what I

policeman? Doesn't work. You know what I mean? Um,

mean? Um, yeah, acceptance really. And there's

little things that definitely helped me in life. There's a dear friend of mine

in life. There's a dear friend of mine and she's she's she's really done so many incredible things for me in the way of like tools. Um, one thing is

like, you know, at the end of the day, which I I don't do it perfectly, but writing down things that I did that were a positive that I wouldn't

have normally done. And I don't mean deliberate things like going to the gym.

I just mean in those moments like, oh, I actually made I I changed my mind and went to that place and it ended up being great and I made the effort and I showed up for someone and that gave me a good feeling. like little things of just

feeling. like little things of just reminding ourselves of good things that we do because look, for whatever reason, it's it's easier, at least for me, the

negative part of mind of my mind has always been more amplified, right? I

grew up that way. It's it's a for for whatever reason, it's easier to beat myself up than be nice to me. And that's

what I'm shifting now, you know? And I

think because we're told, right, like loving yourself is ego or whatever. It's

it's not, you know, be being kind to yourself is the healthiest thing you can do. And I don't think we we do enough of

do. And I don't think we we do enough of that as human beings. I think we need to tell ourselves remind ourselves of the good things that we've done in a day.

Remind ourselves of the positive things in a day as opposed to just looking at the negatives.

I agree. And I think self-care, like you said, it's it's been a massive key for me over this past eight months because like you I people so many people that that I I speak to are like, "Man, but

you've done so many amazing things and you're so great and all these people are looking up to you and all this stuff."

And I was like, but the internal battle that we go through, all of us, right?

Every human that doesn't matter how high or how low you are, we all go through keeps you in this rush of trying to hide that pain, right? Trying to hide that

feeling of not feeling worth it or um and it wasn't until 8 months ago that I really started taking some time to to go back and talk to that little lex, you know, and and realize like

trying trying to really identify when was the first time I felt something, right? When was the first time that I

right? When was the first time that I felt like I wasn't good enough? And I

identified this moment in my life where my I was living away from home. Uh you

know, I had moved to the US. My father

stayed in Colombia and um I went back to Colombia for a wedding of my sister and I was spending time

with him and like in the first I don't know 15 minutes uh he told me he had gotten married again and I was and I was like I remember saying it in the car like if it was yesterday so so does that

do you want me to call her mom? you like

not knowing how to react to this notion of like what is happening to my family and then like that afternoon going to go and play soccer with my friends and

being like man his his wife got really fat and they're like oh wait you you don't know like know what she's pregnant

and I remember like it was yesterday just sitting in the car screaming I hate you Ah, like I was in so much pain because I

felt like I had been replaced. I felt like I wasn't good enough. And to for me, even though I love my mother, my father's

approval, I would say even until recently, was a huge thing.

You know, I found myself like looking for his approval on things or looking for him to be proud of me. And he's a great man. is there wasn't none of these

great man. is there wasn't none of these things were done out of hurt and pain but it was also the circumstance and the situations I don't think I'd be the man I am today if he wouldn't have let me

come to the US and other things but it took me realizing that that was the starting point to then having to like really feel like we said think and then

feel myself in that place Mhm.

in that car.

Mhm. and like sitting next to young legs, blonde, curly hair, and saying, "Hey, it's okay.

You're loved. You're okay. You're going

to make it through. He loves you. He's

not replacing you. He's just like you, trying to do the best that he can with the knowledge and the trauma and the lessons and the fears that he has."

And it was like that.

And I started to realize that our inner child just needs us to talk. But we we need to feel that, you know, we need to go back into that and put it and and to

me that's been so transformative even in my relationship because I historically was a playboy. You know, I was out there

doing my thing thinking I was hot [ __ ] uh or happy. But I really generally thought that that like every time I would fall in love because I would still fall in love. I was like a hopeless

romantic that was trying to play the playboy role, right? So I would fall in love.

role, right? So I would fall in love.

I'll get the girl. I'll be like night in shining armor first three months like my god he's the best ever, you know. And

then as soon as it started getting serious, I would pull away.

And then pulling away it was mostly always by cheating and then going into the next person. It was never like, "Okay, goodbye. I'm not with you. I'm

"Okay, goodbye. I'm not with you. I'm

moving on, but I'm single again." No, it was like moving into someone else. And

then I was single, but kind of still with this person and almost with this person. And it started to create these

person. And it started to create these like vicious triangles throughout my life that caused me so much stress, so much pain, and so much craziness. And I

just could never understand. I'm like,

"How do I keep doing this? How do I keep like missing out on a great woman or or just, you know, picking the wrong people or, you know, letting myself be carried

by sex?

And then the universe said, "Oh, okay.

It's about that time. You've been you've been asking me for a family. You've been

asking me to uh to to to have this dream of you." cuz I kept on envisioning like

of you." cuz I kept on envisioning like all over co like during that whole time I meditated every single day and I I I can paint the picture it was literally

like a house with a pool me walking and like my daughter at the time I didn't have kids my daughter in the pool and this woman who I couldn't identify

holding another baby boy and I remember feeling this sense of wholeness in my spirit and I was like this is so far from my reality it's never going to happen for

me, bro. It's like I'm, you know, 38

me, bro. It's like I'm, you know, 38 years old. Like I have this this like

years old. Like I have this this like fame of being a play. Nobody's going to want this. Like, you know, and I'm

want this. Like, you know, and I'm afraid. So, I never like, you know,

afraid. So, I never like, you know, finish my business inside a woman.

Kind of co ends. I come out. I had this reality show on on Netflix. All of a sudden, I'm like not only industry famous, but outward famous. And I start taking advantage of this. I meet this

girl We we we like each other a month into knowing each other. Hey, I'm pregnant.

Huh? I was in a club in Spain, bro.

Wow.

And I was like, uh, and I was with my father. Look how the world is. I was

father. Look how the world is. I was

with my father because we decided to do this these yearly trips that we do. We

had just done Monaco and we went to Madrid. And I remember going back to the

Madrid. And I remember going back to the hotel, the Four Seasons, and knocking on his door and I said, "Hey, I need to talk to you. Uh, I I think I'm going to

be a father." And him saying, "It's 3 in the morning. We will talk about it in

the morning. We will talk about it in the morning." And close the door.

the morning." And close the door.

And I remember sitting in my bed like, "This can't there's no way." But weirdly enough, and I'd never actually said this to anybody, there was this sense of

peace. Like, I didn't feel scared.

peace. Like, I didn't feel scared.

Then I get home.

Bro, I've never actually shared this, but I think it's it's it'll lead me to my last question, too.

I get home and I speak to to um to the girl and I tell her, "Hey, you know, like what do you want to do?" You

know, my my mother taught me to be a gentleman no matter what. But in the back of my head, I was also like, "Oh, this she's lying. house wait 20 something years doing this thing you

know all the things I've done and never not even a little scare not even like a worry not even a call not even a text message from any girl I had even thought stop I was like I'm not fertile like you

know no way cuz I've never had a scared and dealing with the dynamic of like I'm afraid is this really mine

at the same time feeling this level of peace that I can't describe like I just there was something inside of me that was like

it this is it this is your moment and I've never said this girl decides to we we decide to have the the baby

comes out obviously imagine getting to know a person while they're pregnant that you haven't really really known while like figure while she's finding out things about you you're finding out

things about her. Chaos erupts like volcanic level chaos in my life for that year of the pregnancy and the year after where I literally I just couldn't function. I couldn't think. I was I was

function. I couldn't think. I was I was surprised that I could even do the things that I got to do during those years cuz my life was in chaotic. And

and it wasn't until Christmas of my do my daughter's first Christmas that I experienced having to give her back to the mom. Um because we

split the Christmas that I broke down and I said why if I know deep inside my heart that there's something here this is this

was meant for me why am I fighting it so wildly why am I judging why am I putting all my insecurities why am I doing this this

I got to leave and I went to Marrakesh for New Year's and I sat in Marrakesh At this party, I I met these two girls and they were having troubles with their

boyfriend. One left and I was like,

boyfriend. One left and I was like, "What is life?" And I asked the the guy, the driver that was taking us around. I

said, "Why is your why is your uh houses outside look like crap, like it's just like a door and some like mud,

but inside you guys have this beautiful like landscaping?" He said, "Because we

like landscaping?" He said, "Because we believe the beauty is on the inside.

And I went to sleep that New Year just thinking, "The beauty is on the inside.

Your lesson's on the inside." And I got back to Miami and I called her and I said, "Listen, we've gone through a lot, but I believe whatever life has to teach me inside of you. And I believe that

I've been pouring my insecurities, my fear on you, but I believe you're my blessing. So I would like to start

Try not to cry.

Cry, man. Why are you trying not to? No.

I believe that that you are was meant for me.

And we've gone over the past year and 6 months into a full life transition.

Mhm. two people who couldn't have been more polar opposites, more destructive,

more insecure, more fearful into a couple that just like I looked at my life. I I you know I I proposed uh I

life. I I you know I I proposed uh I don't know three days ago, four days ago and I was looking at the video and I was like wow

this too can happen you know and in that feeling and in that emotion and in everything else that we're talking it was the first time I think in my life

and I grew up in a very religious home where I felt something I learned, I put into practice and it changed my life.

And it was in that devotion that I said, "Okay, this is all I actually want to do."

do." And that leads me to say, how do you look about how do you look at love? How do you look at the stage of

love? How do you look at the stage of being in a relationship?

Um cuz I did hear you talk about in the other podcast that you did about, you know, feeling like you're 42 and maybe

not have a wife and and now I'm 43 and I'm on another podcast and we're saying the same. Um,

the same. Um, look, I I I genuinely I I think until I got to this point or until I'm where I am now, I don't know any healthy

relationship I would have been in because I was always chasing, you know, and the chase, what you just said, right? The the accepting ends the chase.

right? The the accepting ends the chase.

The acceptance ends the chase for for whatever you're in business. And

that doesn't mean it ends the ends the success. It ends that feeling of the

success. It ends that feeling of the chase.

So for me like yeah I'm trying to like I mean look bro exactly what you just said trust me when you were talking about it my my my mind was hearing it and I was feeling it and I was like half

the battle is that in relationships too right you you could have the most amazing person right there with you that you're meant to be with but if you haven't found a place of accepting where

you are now you're just going to continue chasing and the same as in you The same as in a car. There's always

going to be a better car, bro. There's

always or at least your mind is going to tell you there's always going to be a better car. There's always going to be a

better car. There's always going to be a bigger house. There's always going to be

bigger house. There's always going to be a bigger movie. There's always going to be a betterselling record. Whatever it

is, that is the chase. So, I think for me, I've I've I've, you know, I don't regret any of it, but there's definitely some great relationships that

I think if I was in the mindset now, it would have been totally different. So

now I just want to go into love in a in an authentic way and feel in that moment what it is.

I don't think I could ever have a a real relationship because you're not in the moment. So you

don't really know what's actually going on, you know. Um,

but yeah, of course I I don't know if you were asking that, but of course I want to, you know, love is great, right?

Look at you. You're talking about it, you know, family, love, family. It's not

like, but at the same time, I can genuinely also say that I wake up in the morning and I'm happy with me, you know?

I think that's the first step.

Yeah, of course. And it takes a long time. And once again, don't get me

time. And once again, don't get me wrong, that was today. Tomorrow I might wake up and be like, "The [ __ ] Where's my hair gone? What's going on?"

But if I pull it back, it's okay, you know? So, of course, it's a daily thing. We don't I don't none of us none of us know what tomorrow is anyway.

Yeah.

So, today is all I've got. I I I'll be the best version of myself I can be today. And that might not be perfect

today. And that might not be perfect either. I might still get pissed at the

either. I might still get pissed at the cop who gave me a ticket. I might still want to, you know, whatever. But

I'm doing the best I can and from a place of authenticity, you know.

I love that. I always end the podcast by doing an exercise, right? As as we've talked about throughout the the past hour, words have power,

right? And I believe that we as nice as

right? And I believe that we as nice as we are to other people, we're a lot tougher on ourselves.

So, if there's a word or a phrase that you can tell yourself right now that will change how your mind perceives

the rest of this week, the rest of this year, or just how you're feeling today, what would that word and phrase be? And

you can share with us, but live it, feel it to yourself.

A lot went through my head, right? like

a lot of and a lot of things that I've tried to tell myself like look in the mirror and tell myself I'm enough but I think what really hits me is just like I'm here now.

I love that you know. So

you know. So I love that.

Yeah.

Oliver, thank you so much for being a part of this, you know, first of many and uh thank you for sharing your story, for sharing this this emotional moment of of

authenticity with each other, you know.

Um, so I'm I'm highly blessed to have you and call you a friend. Thank you so much for being a part of the show.

Thanks for having me on.

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