People Pleasing Is Rewiring Your Brain — 5 Steps to Reverse It

There's a moment in your life you probably don't talk about.

The moments you felt yourself shrink, even though nothing was stopping you, you had something to say, but you stayed quiet.

You had a boundary to set, but you softened it.

You had a direction to take, but you waited for someone else to approve it.

Across countless psychological and behavioral studies, researchers have noted the same pattern.

People often hand over internal authority long before any real threat actually appears.

because the mind misread certain signals as danger, a raised eyebrow, appointed tone, a memory of a past rejection.

A fear of upsetting someone.

These micro cues can override your internal voice in seconds, and when that happens, you don't just hold back, you actually disconnect from yourself.

Think about the last time you over explained something just to keep the peace or apologize for having a preference or stayed small in a room where you were fully qualified to take up space.

You.

Probably didn't even plan to do that, but your mind was protecting you using an old pattern one that didn't actually get updated.

In this week's episode, we are gonna break down the five steps to take your power back from anyone or anything, and rebuild a life where you lead yourself with clarity.

Let's begin.

Before we go deeper, I want to speak to the people who show up here every week.

A large number of you listen consistently, but only a small percentage are actually subscribed.

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You are choosing to understand your mind.

You are choosing to grow with intention.

You are choosing to step into your own authority rather than handing it away to the loudest person in the room or the oldest story in your head.

When you subscribe, you are committing to a rhythm of growth grounded in the latest neuroscience and practical tools.

You are staying connected to the insights that will help you lead yourself with clarity.

Instead of just reacting into our patterns So hit that subscribe button before we can talk.

About taking your power back.

We need to understand how you lost it in the first place.

Losing your power doesn't happen in one dramatic moment.

It happens in small, repeated decisions where your mind chooses safety over self-leadership these were coping responses in reaction to adverse experiences of all levels.

So let's go deep into that pattern.

In psychology, there's a very well established understanding that humans form internal thought patterns made of memories that become like templates for how to behave in different relational settings.

These relational thought templates are built to experiences you have, how you were responded to, how you were spoken to, how conflict unfolded around you, how much permission you had to take up space.

So over time, your conscious mind learns to work from these distorted templates.

This is who I am, this is who I need to stay to be safe.

And those become your default mode, but not necessarily the correct mode.

These tempers don't just disappear either because you grow older.

They follow you into work relationships, friendships, leadership, big decisions, your life, your present day reactions are often echoes of past environments that you've already outgrown, built into these toxic thoughts.

That are very real, that in your mind, brain, and body, these templates often go hand in hand with a behavioral coping pattern called emotional outsourcing.

Emotional outsourcing is when your mind quietly assigns other people the role of deciding how you feel about yourself.

You scan their tone, their facial expressions, their silence, their approval, their disappointment, their energy, and your internal state shifts based on their cues.

This is one of the fastest ways people lose their power without realizing it, because the moment your emotional balance depends on someone else's response, you are no longer rooted in your own authority, which is not a good thing, and this isn't because you are overly sensitive.

It is because you are defaulting to a coping thought, built in adverse experience that was never actually dealt with.

Another dimension of power loss is something I call the permission loop.

This is when your mind waits for someone else to confirm what you already know.

But you wait for them to confirm.

It's time to set a boundary, but you wait.

You know you're qualified for the role, but you hesitate.

You know the relationship is draining you.

But you stay silent.

The permission loop forms in your mind, conscious mind associates assertiveness with danger or disruption.

It's the conscious mind's way of keeping you aligned with a version of yourself that felt safe in the past, wasn't necessarily safe, but was built to protect you.

But that version of you was built for survival, not expansion.

Let's bring in the neuroscience for a moment.

The mind creates meaning before it creates behavior.

So meaning then behavior.

So when you enter a situation, the mind decides.

The mind assigns a meaning based on your stored relational memories.

This person has power over me.

I need to keep the peace.

My opinion might upset them.

If I speak up, I'll lose connection.

These meanings activate internal signals that influence your behavior long before you speak.

If the conscious mind acts alone, it's very likely to choose the thought used most often, even if it wasn't a good one.

If however.

The conscious mind collaborates with the non-conscious mind through standing back and questioning a better decision will be made.

So if the conscious mind acts alone, it sends your brain a toxic stress code.

And even if the situation is safe, your internal world reacts as if it's not.

This is how you lose your power without a single word being exchanged.

Let's make this relatable with an example.

Imagine you're in a meeting and you have an idea that could really drive this idea that you're trying to do as a company forward.

You feel that subtle rise in energy, that sense of clarity, and then it happens.

A small internal drop, a whisper of doubt, a memory have been dismissed in the past.

A tone in the room that feels familiar in less than a second.

Your conscious mind shifts from I know what to do to, maybe someone else should say it.

And just like that, your power you naturally had becomes deferred.

You didn't decide to give it away.

The old overused thought template decided for you.

It was activated and drove you or consider a relationship.

You're about to express a need.

You know it's reasonable.

You know it matters, but the moment rises and your chest tightens.

Your mind interprets that physical signal as a warning.

Suddenly you soften the message or you swallowed entirely, or you apologize for even bringing it up.

The other person didn't take your power.

You handed it over to an outdated meaning, and this is not your fault, but it is your pattern of the overused toxic thought running the show.

So it's your responsibility to try and find that and reconceptualize it.

Let's use a simple metaphor to try and understand this, and then we'll talk about the techniques of how to do this.

Imagine your internal power is a microphone.

When you were younger, certain experiences taught you when it was safe to speak into it and when it wasn't.

Maybe someone else always held the microphone.

Maybe someone turned the volume down when you talked, maybe you were praised for being quiet.

Maybe you were punished for being bold, but here is the truth.

The microphone is yours.

The volume control is yours.

You just haven't updated the settings.

Another major piece of this is identity.

The mind holds two internal models of you who you truly are, that I call the perfect you and who you believe you are based on your life's experiences.

If that internal model includes beliefs like I shouldn't inconvenience people, or my needs are too much, or I'm easier to love when I'm small, your reactions will always match that identity even when that identity is incorrect until you change it.

Let's talk about how people reclaim their power in real time.

It doesn't happen through confrontation or proving a point, it's just not gonna work.

It happens through awareness, self-reflected awareness, understanding the moment that the old thought template activated, naming the meaning it creates and choosing a new interpretation before you act.

So power is not a personality trait, it is a pattern, and fortunately, patterns can be repa.

So before we move into the five steps of how to repa, I want you to hear this clearly, you did not lose your power because someone else was stronger.

You lost it because past toxic thoughts are keeping you stuck.

That means you can reclaim it, which is such great news.

And today, step by step, you will, let's go straight to step one.

If you haven't subscribed yet to this podcast, take a moment.

Do it now.

It supports this work.

It helps these conversations reach more people, and it reinforces the direction you're choosing for your own life.

Let's keep going.

Step one.

And getting your power back is all about honesty.

The kind that makes you shift in your seat a little bit.

You cannot take your power back until you identify where it's been going.

What is often very eye-opening in this work is that the place that you've been given your power to is often not the person you think it is actually a thought built in response to experiences we have in life.

And these thoughts are real physical things that contain beliefs and memories and expectations and belief systems, and a version of yourself.

You haven't been for years maybe.

So this step asks you to name that source.

Start by thinking about the moments when you feel yourself shrinking, not physically, but internally.

Moments where your voice softens or your opinions blur, or your certainty just dissolves.

Who or what was in that moment with you?

A person, a role, a past event, a fear of being misunderstood and need to avoid conflict, a desire to be liked.

These moments reveal the direction your power has been flowing.

Let's make this concrete.

You might be giving your power to someone whose approval you've been chasing for years.

Sometimes long after the relationship has changed or even ended, or you might be giving your power to a memory of being criticized, and that single moment has become the filter for every decision you make.

Or maybe your power is going to a fear of disappointing someone, fear of being judged, or fear of being difficult, or fear of taking up too much space or room.

Another common pattern is giving your power to a role.

You step into a workplace, a family system, a friendship, a relationship, and suddenly your behavior shifts.

You become the peacekeeper, the fixer, the agreeable one, the reliable one, the one who absorbs everything else's emotional temperature.

The role becomes the authority, and without you noticing it, you adjust yourself to protect the wrongs that are protecting your inner voice.

But roles are actually learned, and anything learned can be unlearned.

So now think about systems, not just people you might be giving power to, A workplace culture that trained you to be overly accommodating.

Or to belief system that taught you your need should come last, or to a social expectation that made you feel like being director is too much.

These systems become invisible.

Authorities shaping how you show up even when no one is enforcing them.

So naming them brings them into the light.

When they're in the light, they lose their power and you can change them.

Here's a simple way to identify who or what you've been giving power to.

Look at the moments where you immediately edit yourself.

Where do you hesitate?

Where do you overexplain?

Where do you water yourself down?

Where do you feel the need to be easier?

Those exact moments point directly to the source of your power leak.

Think about the places where you feel the most drained after being around someone.

Often it's not because they're overpowering, it's because you are over accommodating.

You are managing their reactions, their emotions, and their expectations, and that management drains power.

It's exhausting.

And the moment you try and reclaim that power, the old pattern tries to pull you back 'cause it's been reinforced.

This is why identifying the source does really matter.

You can't reclaim what you haven't named.

So let's simplify step one, identify who or what has been holding the microphone in your internal world.

Is it a person, a fear, a memory, a role, an expectation, a past experience that taught you to shrink?

Speak clearly one sentence.

And that sentence becomes the foundation for reclaiming your power.

Now let's move into step two.

So now step two takes you into the moment.

Your power slips away the exact second.

Your internal world shifts from grounded to guard.

So before you give your power to a person, a fear or a memory, your mind sends a signal, and that signal always shows up before your behavior changes.

Your job in this step is to trace that internal signal so you can interrupt it.

Catch it.

Find the information in it.

Signals are subtle, quick, and full of information.

They're easy to miss because they don't announce themselves with intensity.

Instead, they whisper a slight tightening in your chest, a drop in your stomach, an emotion that rises a shift in your breathing.

A brief moment of fogginess, a sudden urge to appease, to make things smooth, to disappear into the background, to think that you're just not good enough.

These signals are not random at all.

They are data to help you, and they come from the non-conscious mind.

It's all there.

The unconscious mind is setting it up to you to help you.

Let's look at a few real scenarios to land the plane.

You are in a conversation, ready to share your opinion.

Your thought is clear.

Your intention is solid.

But the second someone raises an eyebrow or their tone sharpens, you feel the signal.

Your body pulls back.

Your mind tries to protect you.

The signal tells you to stay small here and without even realizing it, you soften your voice or you abandon your point.

Or maybe you're in a meeting fully prepared to speak.

You feel confident until your name is called.

A rush of heat fills your chest.

Your thoughts blur.

The signal arrives.

Be careful and suddenly the clarity you had just seconds ago dissolves.

Think about the moment that you're about to set a boundary.

You rehearse it, you believe in it, but right before you speak, your stomach just knots.

That physical cue isn't weakness.

It's your mind pulling from an old template that associates assertiveness with conflict.

The signal is the gateway into the pattern.

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The mind creates meaning before it creates behavior.

So when you enter a situation, the mind of assign meaning based on your stored relational memories, the past, whatever you've got in the past, inside thoughts.

And it could be something like, this person has power over me, or I need to keep the peace.

My opinion might upset them.

If I speak up, I'll lose connection.

These meanings activate internal signals that influence your behavior long before you even speak.

If the conscious mind acts alone, it's likely to choose the thought you use most often, which is not always necessarily the correct one.

If, however, the conscious mind collaborates with a non-conscious mind through standing back and questioning, a better decision will be made.

So if the conscious mind acts alone, it sends your brain a toxic stress code, even if the situation is safe and your internal ward reacts as if it's not.

And this is why you can feel intimidated throughout your whole mind, brain, body connection in a completely safe environment, just by the way someone raised their eyebrows, the signal isn't responding to the present, it's responding to the past.

Another.

Important piece is that your internal signal appears to your conscious mind before you're aware of the details of the thought.

So the signal pops up, but you don't know the details yet.

So most people look for the thought first, but the body often reacts before the words form.

So if you catch the bodily signal, you catch the pattern at its earliest point.

Here's how you recognize it.

Slow the moment down.

Rewind the scene in your mind.

Ask yourself, what changed in me?

Right before I shrank, did my breath catch?

Did my jaw tighten?

Did my focus narrow?

Did my energy drop?

Let's examine another scenario to help you.

Someone asks you a question you weren't expecting.

You feel the slightest spike of panic, not enough to call attention to, just enough to make you second guess yourself.

That spike is the signal.

Or another example, someone expresses disappointment.

Even if it isn't directed at you, your body reacts instantly to the disappointment.

That reaction in your body is the signal, or you enter a room where certain people make you feel small, not because of anything that they're doing right now, but because your mind pairs their presence with past experience.

Again, the signal is the key.

So once you find your signal, everything else becomes so much clearer.

You start to see the pattern forming before take shape so you can do something about it.

You begin to understand why certain environments drain you, and you recognize the exact moment your internal authority slipped and you gave your power away.

Let's simplify the step trace, the internal signal that tells your conscious mind to shrink before your behavior responds.

Identify the physical cue, the emotional shift, the mental fog that appears, how you're perceiving the moment.

Name it clearly, because once you can identify the signal, you can interrupt the pattern.

Now you're ready for step three.

Step three is where your internal landscape becomes unmistakably.

Clear.

Once you identify who or what you give your power to and you understand the signal that gets triggered, the next question is, what story has been running underneath all of this?

Because patterns don't come from just out of the blue.

They come from narratives, internal scripts that you've repeated for years that have been built into these thoughts in your mind, brain, and body, and you.

Just not realizing it's driving you.

These internal narratives are actual thoughts with embedded memories, and they shape how you show up long before you've even opened your mouth.

Most people think they react to people, but you are not reacting to the person in front of you.

You are reacting to the meaning your mind created about what their presence represents.

You are reacting to the story the thought is carrying, and that story might sound like.

I'm too much, or if I speak up, I'll upset someone or conflict is dangerous or my needs don't matter, or it's easier to stay quiet, or if I disagree, I'll lose connection.

These stories don't feel like stories.

They feel like truth, but they're not truth.

They are interpretations.

Here's an example.

Imagine someone who grew up in a household where raising their voice led to tension as an adult, this story becomes if I express a strong opinion slightly loudly, I'll create conflict.

That story shapes every room they walk into.

Unless dealt with another person, may have been taught directly, indirectly that asking for help made them a burden.

Their story becomes, I shouldn't inconvenience anyone.

And so they over function, over give and overextend without ever questioning the script.

Someone else may have experienced rejection at a formative moment.

This story becomes, if I show the real me, I'll be judged.

That story makes them shrink, minimize, or over apologize, even in rooms where they're valued and respected.

So your behavior today is often being driven by a story written into toxic thought years ago and never dealt with.

It needs deconstructing and reconstructing so you can get your power back.

When a current moment resembles a past one, the stored narrative in the toxic thought activates and runs automatically.

And that narrative decides how much power you allow yourself to have.

Let's look at it through a simple metaphor.

Imagine your mind is a library.

Every experience you've ever had becomes a book on the shelf.

When something happens today, a tone or a comment or an expression, your mind scans the shelves and pulls the book that feels similar.

Whatever story that book contains becomes the script for your reaction in that moment.

But here's the part, most people miss.

Many of the books in your library haven't been updated in years.

They're outdated.

They need some new chapters added.

Now let's look at how this shows up in real time.

You avoid expressing your needs because the story says if I ask too much, people leave.

You talk yourself out of opportunities because the story says, I'm not the kind of person who gets chosen.

You settle for less because the story says, this is probably the best I'm allowed to have.

You say yes when you want to say no because the story says, keeping the peace keeps me safe.

But the story in the toxic thought is not the moment.

The story is the lens To uncover your story, return to the moment your internal signal appeared.

Ask yourself, what was the belief underneath that signal?

What did I assume about myself?

What did I assume about the other person?

What did I assume about the situation?

These questions reveal the narrative and the narrative of the toxic thought will almost always show up as a sentence, something simple.

Something familiar.

You might hear, I don't want to cause trouble, or if I'm fully myself, I'll be rejected, or My needs come last, or It's safer not to stand out.

So say the sentence, don't soften it, because naming the story is the first moment of freedom.

You get power over it.

It bring neuroscientifically, it weakens that network when you say it.

So let's simplify Step three, uncover the toxic thought containing the narrative that has been directing your reactions.

Find that sentence that keeps you small.

Say it clearly because once you name that story, you can challenge it, you can update it, you can reconceptualize it, you can outgrow it, and that prepares you for step four, reassigning your internal authority.

Now, step four is where everything shifts.

This is the moment you take the authority, you hand it to old stories, old fears and old roles.

Old versions of yourself in those toxic thoughts, and you bring it back home, deconstructed and reconstructed.

You have identified who or what you've been giving power to.

You've traced a signal that makes you shrink.

You've uncovered the story in the toxic thought running underneath your reactions.

Now it's time to update the meaning, reconceptualize it.

And this is not positive thinking at all.

This is reconceptualized.

This is Reconceptualized thinking.

Your old story in that toxic thought was built for protection, not expansion.

It was written during a time when your li in your life, when you didn't have the tools, the insight or the stability you have today, but your mind kept using it because the story felt familiar and familiarity feels safe even when it keeps you stuck or small.

So reassigning your authority means replacing outdated meaning with accurate reconceptualized meaning.

Let's walk through what that looks like.

Maybe your old story said, if I speak up, people will reject me.

That story created a meaning.

Staying quiet keeps me safe, but the reconceptualized meaning might be my voice, adds value, or speaking up creates clarity, not conflict.

See, it's reconstructed.

you're looking at it differently.

Oh, I'm allowed to take up space without losing connection.

That's reconceptualized.

When the meaning becomes accurate or reconceptualized, the reaction changes.

Totally.

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The meaning was, my need should come last.

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Here's another example.

Someone grew up being praised for being easygoing and agreeable and low maintenance.

The old story became, I should stay small to keep the peace.

The meaning was agreeing keeps me likable.

But the accurate meaning is authenticity creates deeper connection, or people who value me want the real me, not the edited version.

Reconceptualizing meaning doesn't make you harsh.

It makes you true and authentic.

Let's bring in the mind brain connection for a second here.

The brain responds to electrical signals and energy patterns, doesn't think or evaluate or make meaning.

When you choose a new meaning with your mind, you then change the code with your conscious mind and rewire a reconstructed network into the brain.

So your ability to reclaim power begins with the meaning you choose, and then it changes the entire mind, brain, body network to do this step, speak the old meaning out loud, then speak the reconceptualized, meaning right after it.

You're not trying to erase the old story.

You can't ever do that, but you are reconceptualizing it.

You're saying that story made sense back then, but it doesn't define me.

Now, here's an example of that.

The old meaning was that being direct makes me difficult.

The reconceptualized meaning is that clarity is respectful.

Or the old meaning was that saying, no makes me selfish.

The reconceptualized meaning is that saying no protects my wellbeing and strengthens my relationships.

The shift seems small, but the impact on your life is enormous.

Another metaphor to anchor this step is this.

Imagine your internal world as a stage.

For years, your old story has been standing in the spotlight, dictating your lines.

Reassigning your authority is the moment you walk onto the stage and take the microphone back, the story doesn't disappear.

It just stops being the director and you become the one who decides what happens next.

So let's simplify step four.

Identify the meaning, your old story and the toxic thought created then reconceptualize and reconstructed with the meaning that reflects who you are now, not who you were then.

This is how you reclaim internal authority and prepare for the final step taking the power building action.

So step five is where the shift becomes real.

You've identified where the power has been going.

You've traced the signal that makes you shrink.

You've uncovered the story in the toxic thought directing or reactions you've reassigned.

Internal authority.

Now you turn all of that insight into action.

Small deliberate power building action.

This is the moment your identity updates itself.

You teach your brain a new pattern by behaving in a way that aligns with your reconceptualized and reconstructed meaning, not by thinking about it, not by planning for it, but by actually doing it and practicing that, doing.

So your job here is to choose one.

Action that reflects your reclaimed reconceptualized authority.

Let's walk through what this looks like in real life.

Maybe your old story maybe your old story in your toxic thought was to keep the peace no matter what the cost.

You'll reconceptualize and reconstructive meaning says.

My clarity brings stability.

The power building action might be expressing one honest sentence in a moment where you usually stay silent.

So have it prepared and have it ready, or your old story and your toxic thought said, I shouldn't take up space.

You reconceptualized and reconstructed, meaning says, my presence has weight.

The power building action may be speaking up in a meeting stating your preference or letting your voice be heard without rushing or apologizing.

Or maybe your old story and your toxic thought said, I am responsible for managing everyone's emotions, your reconceptualized and reconstructed thought will say People can handle their own reactions.

The power building action may be saying no.

Calmly directly without explaining.

See, the action seems small, but they create healthy neurological signals.

They're attached to the reconceptualized thought and they tell your brain, this is who we are now.

And it recodes another example.

Someone who always avoids difficult conversations may take one step towards initiating the conversations they've been postponing.

Just initiate, even if it's once in that conversation.

Someone who over explains may intentionally speak succinctly.

Don't over explain.

Say less.

Someone who edits themselves may intentionally share a real opinion.

Someone who always stays agreeable may allow one honest disagreement.

These little micro movements reshape your internal authority and has where the science comes back in when you take a new action aligned with the reconceptualized and reconstructed thought, you update the protein networks in the brain and the body.

And that increases brain health.

The old story and the toxic thought, loses intensity, loses power.

It becomes tiny.

The protective signal, therefore, quietens the new behavior, therefore becomes easier.

So how do you choose your first action?

Look at the situation where you tend to shrink the most, and then ask yourself, what is one action?

One sentence, one behavior that reflects the true meaning I am choosing.

Keep it simple, keep it specific.

Then do it once and do it after that, or then do it once.

Do it twice.

Keep practicing if your accurate meaning is my needs matter, your action might be expressing a need clearly if you accurate, meaning is I'm allowed to take up space.

Your action might be making a decision without waiting for permission.

If your accurate or reconceptualized, meaning is being direct, is respectful, your action might be saying exactly what you mean kindly, when action begins, the update repeatedly doing it turns it into a habit over time.

Here's a metaphor to anchor this step.

Think of your recurrent power as a muscle.

Awareness activates the muscle, meaning strengthens it, but action is what builds it.

So let's simplify.

Step five.

Choose a single behavior that reflects your reconceptualized and reconstructed meaning, and then do it.

That's it.

It doesn't matter if it's not perfect.

It doesn't have to be dramatic, just intentional.

Because one aligned action can shift years of misalignment.

This is how you take your power back, not in theory, but in practice.

Before we close today, I want you to recognize what you have just done.

You didn't just learn how to take your power back.

You walk through the exact internal system that's been shaping your reactions for years, and you meet yourself with clarity instead of criticism.

That's powerful.

Think back to where we started.

We talked about the subtle ways people hand their power to old stories, old patterns, old fears, and old expectations.

Not because they're weak, but because the mind learned to, conscious mind learned to protect them through shrinking, softening, staying silent and all those things.

But today, you started breaking the loop.

You started naming the source, you started tracing the signal.

You uncovered a story.

You reassigned your authority and meaning, you reconceptualize it, and you practice taking action that aligns with this who you really are.

Remember this, reclaiming your power is not a personality makeover.

It's not about becoming louder or bolder or more forceful.

Rather, it's about becoming accurate at reconceptualizing and reconstructing about who you are, about what you need, and about the meaning you're assigned to your experiences.

Because power grows where clarity lives.

When you stop giving your power to the past, toxic thoughts, you become fully available to your present.

When you stop giving your power to the fears that you've outgrown, you create room for new possibilities.

And when you stop giving power to other people's expectations, you finally hear your own voice, steady, grounded, and capable.

Imagine what your life starts to look like when this becomes your default pattern.

You walk into rooms without shrinking.

You speak without rehearsing who you think you need to be.

You set boundaries without feeling guilty.

You make decisions without waiting for permission.

You trust your internal compass instead of outsourcing your authority.

That internal compass is your unconscious mind.

That is what reclaiming your power feels like.

And I want you to remember something important.

The version of you that learned to shrink was doing the best they could with the tools they had at that time.

But this is not sustainable.

But the version of you listening now has got new tools, new insight, new clarity, and new authority.

So your past may have shaped you, but it does not have the right to lead you anymore.

So take a breath, fill the strength of this moment.

You did this work today.

You showed up for yourself.

You reclaimed something that was always yours.

Your power is not lost.

It's returning, and you are ready for it.

I'll see you in the next episode.