Self doubt can ruin your dreams

You know, I have a little side tangent before I get into what I actually want to say, but I accidentally killed a wasp with my bare hands this morning, and I would just like to say many stories, but I woke up this morning, and I don't know

how this wasp got in my home because I just woke up. So, the only time it would have been in my home is like from the night prior when I got home. But, I

don't know how it got inside. But I just know I was getting up in the dark walking around trying to go and get a cup of coffee and I see this thing like fly in front of my face and instinctually I just like smack it

against a wall. I don't know how I I captured this thing out of the air in my palm and slammed it against to the wall because I was tired and scared. And

that's what one does when they are tired and scared and see something peculiar fly in front of their face. And so I I kill this thing and then I realize what I've done and I'm like, let me turn on the lights to understand exactly what

happened cuz I thought it was a spider and I'm very afraid of spiders. I got

crazy archnophobia. So I was like, if that's a spider that I just killed, I'm going to scream right now. I'm going to scream that a spider just touched my skin. And then I I look down and I

skin. And then I I look down and I realize it's a wasp. And I go through about 14 different emotions because I'm like, h how did you get in here? Where

did you come from? Where did you go? you

know, cot Joe, who the [ __ ] are you? Um,

and I'm freaking out. And then I look at my hands and I realize I'm completely fine. Like, everything's okay. I haven't

fine. Like, everything's okay. I haven't

been stung. Everything's fine. But that

was a jarring start to my morning. Um,

puzzle me confused, right? Oh, but what I actually want to talk about is just reflection. I really want to talk about

reflection. I really want to talk about reflection and how many layers of the self get beaten down when you're doing something that's difficult for you. So,

the semester at school is ending right now and I only took one psychology course this semester to see if I liked it, to see if I could manage it while also working my job as a waitress while also like training and running and

everything. And I liked it. I really

everything. And I liked it. I really

liked it. The problem is is that when I started this course and continually throughout the course, I decided to be a little [ __ ] And what I mean by that is I'm not I'm not even going to give

myself love here. I'm only going to give myself tough love here. is that I would freak out about my assignments. I would

freak out about when they were due. I

would freak out about, oh my god, how am I going to do this? How am I there's so much reading I have to do. How am I going to do this? And I'd freak out. And

then that would lead me to procrastinate. And that would lead me to

procrastinate. And that would lead me to overthink. And that would lead me to

overthink. And that would lead me to just not get my work done. And

eventually I got out of that cycle of like freaking out and overthinking and procrastinating and not doing it and like manifesting my own destiny there by freaking out about completing the assignments and then turning into not

completing the assignments and then turning into almost not turning in the assignments. Um, but it made me realize

assignments. Um, but it made me realize like how much self-doubt I actually have and how much I had to come face to face with that during this course. Cuz I

truly think that when we do things that are difficult for us, and this isn't just me saying this, this is actual science. When you do something that is

science. When you do something that is difficult for you, you reroute the neural pathways in your brain, like when you do something that your brain and body screams at you that you can't do

and then you go and do it. Your brain

now has to start believing in you because you've literally done what it said was impossible. That's why I'm always a big big believer in doing things that are hard for you because it quite literally changes the fabric of

your brain into believing that you are a person that your brain can trust into believing you are a person that can do hard things into a person that doesn't have any self-doubt and is confident.

The thing about me is I have always been academically gifted. I got straight A's

academically gifted. I got straight A's throughout school. There is no there is

throughout school. There is no there is nothing to prove and there is no evidence to suggest that I would ever

fail this course. There's nothing. So

why is it that for however many weeks long this course was, it was from September 22nd and it's going to end on December 13th all the way through. Why

that whole time did I believe I was going to get an F on this course? Why?

Why was that the only thing I was thinking about? Every time I did an

thinking about? Every time I did an assignment, every time I sat down to read that chapter, only thing on my mind was, "You are going to [ __ ] fail, Bailey." And so, it wasn't just that I

Bailey." And so, it wasn't just that I was procrastinating or I was having anxiety. It was that my brain was

anxiety. It was that my brain was conflicting with actual reality because in reality, I got like 100% on almost every single one of my homework assignments. I got A's on every single

assignments. I got A's on every single one of my quizzes and tests. I aced that [ __ ] I [ __ ] aced that [ __ ] And the thing is is that I kept questioning it.

I kept questioning like, "Are you actually going to do that? Because I

don't think you can, Bailey. I think

that you're going to fail this. I think

you're not going to submit your assignments on time. I think you're going to fail." And that's what my brain kept telling me over and over and over.

But week after week after week, I consistently turned things in ahead of time. I consistently got hundreds. I

time. I consistently got hundreds. I

consistently succeeded at doing everything that was required of me and above while working my job as a waitress, while still putting out YouTube videos, while I got back into

running, which I'll explain that in a moment also because last time you knew me about running, you heard that I stopped. And the reason that I started

stopped. And the reason that I started again is the exact same reflection that I'm having on this psychology course that I just did. Probably like, Bailey, it's just one psychology course. It's a

psychology course. On top of having to take care of myself and and manage my chronic illness, on top of other outside projects that I'm doing, on top of YouTube, on top of my job as a waitress,

I am busy, okay? It's not just like I'm sitting around 24/7 in my apartment. I

do not have a lot of time. And the time I do have was on school and that was it.

And I managed, I survived, I passed. But

it made me realize how much my emotions are in the driver's seat. How much my self-doubt is in the driver's seat. How

much my excuses are driving my life?

Because I would sit down to study and I'm like, "No, we shouldn't do this right now. Like, I don't want to." And

right now. Like, I don't want to." And

one of the days I sat down and I was like, "Well, why don't you want to?" And

the immediate next thought that came up was, "You're not worth success. you're

not worth studying because if you study, you're going to succeed and you don't deserve success. It's that whole like

deserve success. It's that whole like you self-sabotage because you don't think you deserve to be good. You don't

think you deserve greatness while simultaneously wanting it. The brain's a very weird creature. I wish I could just, you know, take it out and ring it out like a sponge and then put it back in there, but that's not how it works.

Um, and [sighs and gasps] I got really sidetracked also cuz I'm like, am I going down the right path?

Should I be going down the right path? I

started getting anxiety about the idea of even going to college. Like, am I wasting my money? Should I be saving my money? Should I like is it even worth

money? Should I like is it even worth it? Should I even be doing it? Stupidly,

it? Should I even be doing it? Stupidly,

in October, when I was still having all of these feelings and all of this freak out, you were supposed to sign up for classes next semester in October. And my

stupid ass was like, "No, this is too this is too rough. Like, this is too much. I can't handle this. Like, I'm

much. I can't handle this. Like, I'm

going to fail this course and I don't even want to sign up for courses next semester because like, oh my god, I'm going to fail." And now it's the end of the semester. I've succeeded. I did

the semester. I've succeeded. I did

everything that was asked and more. I

did great. Everything was wonderful. I

killed a wasp with my bare hand this morning. No fear. I'm fine, right? And

morning. No fear. I'm fine, right? And

everything's fine. And I'm like, who was the dumbass [ __ ] that decided that we couldn't do this? Who was the person

that set my limits? Who was the person that decided that we don't want to do the work required of us to get to where we want to be? The anxious version of myself said that. The emotional version

of myself said that. The

procrastinating version of myself said that. And I want, especially for this

that. And I want, especially for this next year, but all of December and through into the next year, I don't want to react to life from my emotions.

Whether that means I want to be more stoic about the way I exist or that means I want to be more committed to my cause no matter what. Whatever that

looks like, I don't want to be driven by my emotions and my excuses anymore. I

want to be driven by my dedication and my motivation no matter what. And I will give myself tough love. I will call myself a little [ __ ] I will be tough on myself because I know for a fact if I

get through the hard work the version of me on the other side would laugh at who I started as. Does that make sense? Like

I remember when I first started these course when I first started this course I literally almost dropped out the first week. I was like haha never mind like I

week. I was like haha never mind like I don't want to do this. Why? What else do you have to do Bailey? Like what else is there in your life that's so important that you can't care about your education? Especially as someone who is

education? Especially as someone who is privileged enough to even get an education. Do you know how many women

education. Do you know how many women would kill to be in my position? Do you

know how many women would kill to get the chance to get an education and you're over here being like, oh haha, it's too much work. I just want to go watch a movie. You are such a loser,

Bailey. And I look at that and I'm like,

Bailey. And I look at that and I'm like, why did I do that? Why did I do that?

And it just comes back to this idea that like I think I don't deserve success, which is like the lamest excuse in the book cuz it's like, can you shut up and just do your work already? And I feel

like this this angry version of myself is progressing. And I feel like there's

is progressing. And I feel like there's this angry version of myself that's coming out to the surface that's like, "Stop this. Stop this, Bailey. You know

"Stop this. Stop this, Bailey. You know

what you have to do to get ahead. You

know what you have to do to get after the things that you want in this life.

You know what you have to do. You just

have to literally pull your head out of your ass. Stop functioning on your

your ass. Stop functioning on your emotions. Stop waiting for things to

emotions. Stop waiting for things to feel right. And work when you feel

feel right. And work when you feel horrible. work when it feels hard. Stop

horrible. work when it feels hard. Stop

giving up when it feels hard and just keep going. [sighs and gasps]

keep going. [sighs and gasps] And that's where I'm at with myself. I

started running again and it's been hard and it's been difficult and it's been hurting. But by the end of the day, I

hurting. But by the end of the day, I lie down in bed and I actually can sleep. I actually feel rested. And I

sleep. I actually feel rested. And I

feel rested because I feel like I have done the work I needed to for the day.

But it's funny because when I lie down when I lie around and I'm lazy and I don't do what I said said I was going to do and I don't go after the things I said I was wanting to do. I sleep like

[ __ ] because there's what whatever you don't deal with in reality, whatever you don't deal with when you're awake becomes a part of your subconscious and it will keep you up at night. When I am the laziest, that's when I have the

worst nightmares. When I am lazy, that's

worst nightmares. When I am lazy, that's when I can't sleep. But when I work really hard and I stay dedicated to what I said I was going to do and I go down

the path a little bit further towards the things that I want, that's when I feel good. And that's the best way to

feel good. And that's the best way to describe it. Like I am very very upset

describe it. Like I am very very upset at myself for allowing emotions to dictate a lot of what I did this year because I watched and I like I said I

did a lot of reflection and I watched my old video from like a year ago where I talked about like oh these are my resolutions for this year. I didn't do a single [ __ ] one of them. And that's

making me mad because that means I'm not being a participant of my life. I'm

being an active observer. And I never wanted to be someone who just observes their life. I want to be someone who is

their life. I want to be someone who is a participant, who steps up to the plate, who continues forward no matter what, who doesn't just watch the days go

by. And I feel like today I woke up

by. And I feel like today I woke up because I finished up my final essay.

I'm going to submit it later today and then I'll be done with the semester. And

I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself because you know how much further I could be towards the things that I actually want in this life if I had just stayed focused. If I had just seen it

stayed focused. If I had just seen it through the bad moments to get to the good part. If I had just kept going and

good part. If I had just kept going and didn't let the my anxiety get the better of me. And you know what? It's a

of me. And you know what? It's a

process. So, as much as I'm telling So, as much as I'm calling myself a little [ __ ] and as much as I'm saying that I need to keep going and that I'm lazy and I'm a loser, as much as I'm saying that,

I also understand where my head was at during those moments, I understand where I was at emotionally and physically, and I understand why I made the decisions

that I did in the moment. What I wish I did was take a step back, have a deep breath, and then keep going. Which is

what I'm glad I did with this course.

I'm glad I didn't drop out of it because it taught me that even doing the things that I really don't like, even doing the things that are difficult, even doing the things that I didn't think I could

do, I'm still going to succeed. I'm

still going to do it in the end. But the

way that I lose is by being complacent and overthinking and having anxiety and getting in my head and have being emotional about things that don't require emotions and getting sidetracked

and getting lost and getting scared and getting upset. And while all of that is

getting upset. And while all of that is perfectly human and it's perfectly okay to feel all of that, you should not let that dictate the show. You should not let that dictate whether you keep going

or whether you do your work. Your work's

going to exist whether you want to do it or not. It just matters if it's going to

or not. It just matters if it's going to be piled up and it's going to be a million times worse in the future or if you're actually going to sit your ass down, get it done, and then continue

forward. And I don't know, I feel like I

forward. And I don't know, I feel like I need to try again, set my goals again, and be relentless about them this time.

To not let emotion weigh me down, to not get sidetracked, to keep going even when it's hard. To hold myself to the

it's hard. To hold myself to the promises that I said I would hold myself to and not back down from that. I got to

keep going even when I don't want to.