Slay the Dragon: Change the Game, Not the Child | Mantin Lu | TEDxKew

[cheering] Do you know why we are losing our next generation?

Our youth are giving up on their dreams because they feel they don't have they don't have what it takes to win the game of life.

It is heartbreaking.

And because they feel they cannot win, a massive portion of our next generation is simply shutting down.

They are checking out.

They are quitting the game before it even really begins.

And we are told that these young adults lack grit.

Or that they are just lazy.

If that's what you think, think again.

After over 20 years as a senior executive in a multi-billion dollar gaming industry, I see a completely different story.

I have spent two decades studying the mechanics of why people stay in the game and why they quit.

I have learned that quitting is not a character fault.

Most of them were raised in environments that didn't prepare them for the difficult challenge of adulthood.

But I want to make it clear.

It is not the parents' fault, either.

So, who is to blame?

The truth is, there are dragons living in our households.

Just like in a game, the dragons are the challenges in life.

The dragons are the unwanted behavior.

Let me show you how this work.

There are four habitats.

There are two lines to dictate the emotional physics of a home.

This vertical line is control.

It is what we do when things go wrong.

This is the horizontal line which is pleasure.

It is how the room feels when we walk in.

When these lines cross, they create four habitats.

Up here, we have high control and high pleasure. This is the

pleasure. This is the battleground.

And the parent archetype living here is the dictator.

What is driving them?

Behind every dictator, there is a parent dragon of control.

This dragon is fueled by a terrifying thought that if I let go for even 1 second, my child's life will fall apart.

When you parent from this space, you feed the child's dragon of fear.

They becomes paralyzed because they are terrified of making a mistake.

What it looks like?

If you constantly bark orders at your child, ask them to do the same thing again and again and again your way, and you see the fear,

the look of fear in their eyes, this is the battleground.

Over here, we have high control but low pleasure.

This is the bubble.

The parent archetype living here is the enabler.

And they are driven by the dragon of anxiety.

These dragons cannot stand to see the child struggle or fail.

So, it tells the parent, "Hey, just do it for them."

You become your child's external brain.

And when you do that, you feed your child's dragon of inertia.

Their mental muscle never grow because they know that you would eventually swoop in and save the day.

This looks like you jumping in before they need help.

Just like pack their bag, give them the answer of their homework, finish the project for them.

While the kid does nothing.

This is the bubble.

Down here, we have low control, but high pleasure.

We call it the cot room.

The parent archetype living here is the judge.

And you know the dragon sitting on their shoulder is the parent dragon of resentment.

This dragon is born from exhaustion.

You have stopped helping, but you haven't stopped criticizing. This icy

environment feed the child dragon of shame.

They start to believe that they are not just making a mistake, but that they are a mistake.

This feel like they are never good enough.

It's impossible to please you.

When they come back with an A, you ask, "Hey, why wasn't this A plus? Why aren't

you as good as your brother or your sister?

And your child has the look of shame.

Head down, shoulder hunched, sadness.

This is the cold room.

Finally, we have low control and low pleasure.

This is the carnival.

The parent archetype is in here is the pleaser.

And they are different by the parent checking off avoidance.

This dragon wants peace at any cost and is terrified of conflict.

With low boundaries, you feed the child dragon of chaos.

They will becomes a total mess of distractions and impulse because there's no structure to lean on.

This looks like party time endless screen time, eating whatever they like, sleeping whenever they want.

The child will have low self control.

This is the carnival.

Now, which habitat do you relate to?

Most of the parents do not stay in just one box.

So, maybe you're bouncing around like a pinball machine.

Picture this.

You first rescue them in the bubble until you burn out.

Then you slap and yell in the battleground.

Then you feel defeated, so you retreat into the cold room.

Then you feel guilty, so you buy them buy them pizza and play video games together to buy back some love in the carnival.

Finally, anxiety kicks in.

You worry they are going to fail.

So you swoop in and rescue them all over again.

We have all done it.

You know what it's like when the energy in the house goes from icy freezing cold to burning hot every hour?

The environment becomes completely unpredictable.

A child cannot learn how to control their emotions in such kind of chaos.

They can only learn how to deal with their parents' emotion swings.

For the young adult who grew up in that kind of house, even if they already moved out of the home,

they are still carrying the weight of those dragons.

They do not need more lectures. They

need a better strategy to change the game.

So, how to stop the swing?

You have to realize that most of us are operating as managers.

A manager focuses on preventing failure.

They focus on the immediate results, like the folded laundry, the finished homework, and the a child.

But you are not raising a rule follower.

You are raising a dragon slayer.

Fire the manager. Become the coach. Step

into the golden zone.

In the golden zone, we do not clear the path for our child, and we do not push them off the cliff.

We equip them to slay the dragon themselves.

So, this is my challenge to you.

Next time, when things get hot in your house, do not try to fix the child.

Step into the golden zone.

What does it look like in the golden zone?

You learn how to get into your child's world instead of forcing them into yours.

Start simply by sitting beside them and ask one simple question.

What do you need to slay this dragon?

Remember, change the game, not the child.

[applause and cheering] [cheering]