The Courage To Be Disliked

Having the courage to be disliked will transform your life. What if I told you that the biggest breakthrough of your life won't come from achieving more, but from caring less? Less about what others

think, less about pleasing everyone, and more about being yourself [music] fully authentically even if it means being disliked. Now, this might sound

being disliked. Now, this might sound strange. I mean after all most of us

strange. I mean after all most of us have been taught directly or indirectly to [music] seek approval from our elders, our teachers, our boss, or even

our friends. But what if, and stick with

our friends. But what if, and stick with me here, chasing that approval is the very thing that's holding you back? In

today's video, we're delving into one of the lesserknown theories of psychology from the early 20th century, from the era of Sigman Freud and Carl Young, except [music] you could argue more

actionable and even more transformative.

It comes from a book that shook Japan, sold millions of copies, and inspired readers from all over the world to finally break free from the invisible chains of people pleasing. The book, The

Courage to be Disliked [music] by Ichiro Kushimi and Fumitaka. And no,

this isn't just another self-help book telling you to just be [music] confident. The book is based on the

confident. The book is based on the often overlooked psychological teachings of Alfred Adler, [music] a contemporary of Sigman Freud and Carl Young, whose ideas were in many ways far ahead of his

time, Adleran theory. Adler believed in something radical. While Freud

something radical. While Freud emphasized the role of trauma and Young talked about the collective unconscious, Adler focused on what people choose to do with their experiences. He believed

that we're not determined by our past, but by the meaning we give to it. This

idea forms the core of the book. You're

not a [music] victim of your circumstances. You are responsible for

circumstances. You are responsible for your own life. The control is in your hands. It's all about seizing it. But if

hands. It's all about seizing it. But if

that's true, why do so many of us feel trapped? Well, let's [music] be honest.

trapped? Well, let's [music] be honest.

Most of us walk around with an invisible audience in our heads. We [snorts]

filter everything we do through a single lens. What do they think of me? Well,

lens. What do they think of me? Well,

here's the interesting part. This

obsession with being liked, it's one of the biggest reasons people stay stuck, [music] afraid to speak up, afraid to fail, afraid to live their truth. But

before we explore Algerian theory in more detail, I want to thank today's sponsor, BetterHel. BetterHel is an

sponsor, BetterHel. BetterHel is an online therapy platform that makes it easier to start working with a therapist. You fill out a short

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betterhelp.com/improvement pill. Idea number one, they don't care

pill. Idea number one, they don't care as much as you think. The courage to be disliked reminds us of one liberating idea. The world is simpler than you

idea. The world is simpler than you think. Most of us overestimate how much

think. Most of us overestimate how much people are thinking about us.

Psychologists call this the [music] spotlight effect. It's the idea where we

spotlight effect. It's the idea where we believe we're constantly being watched, judged, and evaluated. But research

shows the opposite. In [music] fact, a study from Cornell University found that people consistently overestimate how much others notice their actions, their clothes, and even their [music] mistakes. The takeaway? Well, most

mistakes. The takeaway? Well, most

people are just too busy thinking about themselves to think that much about you.

Idea number two, [music] separation of tasks. This concept is one of the most

tasks. This concept is one of the most powerful teachings you can learn, and it answers one simple question. Whose life

am I trying to live? [music] Adler said that most of our worries come from trying to control things that aren't our responsibility. Other people's opinions,

responsibility. Other people's opinions, not your business. [music] Someone

doesn't like you, not your business.

Even when someone takes the advice you gave them or not, none of your business.

The only thing that is your business is how you live, your thoughts, your behavior, your attitude. And when you finally stop trying to control others,

you free up the time and energy to focus on yourself. Now, imagine this. You want

on yourself. Now, imagine this. You want

to be a writer. Your parents want you to be an engineer. If you choose [music] writing, this might disappoint them. But

here's the underlying truth. It is not your business to manage their disappointment. It is your business to

disappointment. It is your business to live authentically. And this doesn't

live authentically. And this doesn't mean being reckless. It just [music] means being honest with yourself and with the people around you. Because when

you blur what is your business and what isn't, trying to make everyone happy, you end up living a life that isn't [music] yours. Idea number three, social

[music] yours. Idea number three, social interest is the key to meaning. Adler

didn't believe in selfish success. He

believed in true happiness coming from what he called social interest, the desire to contribute to the community, to live in harmony with others. Now, it

might sound contradictory to being disliked, but it's not. And here's why.

Now, you don't need to be liked by everyone to contribute to the world. You

just need to show up honestly. [music]

And that honesty, that integrity, that's what helps others most. [music] Now,

comparing yourself to others only results in a win-lose outcome. Whereas

existing to help and seeing others as equal to a win-win. There's enough space in the world for all us to succeed. And

by supporting others, you put out positive energy to then succeed in your own authentic way. Think of your favorite artists, creators, or leaders.

They were probably disliked by some, but their courage to be authentically themselves is what made them valuable.

They saw others doing similar to what they wanted to do, and they did it anyway. Being disliked, it's not a bad

anyway. Being disliked, it's not a bad thing. it often means you're doing

thing. it often means you're doing something right. And lastly, take

something right. And lastly, take action. So, how do you start living this

action. So, how do you start living this way? Well, here are a few practical tips

way? Well, here are a few practical tips to get you started. [music]

Number one, ask yourself before you do anything, whose business is this? Next

time you're worrying about something, pause. [music] Ask, is this my business?

pause. [music] Ask, is this my business?

If it's someone else's opinion or reaction, you can let it go. Number two,

small acts of authenticity. Now, you

don't have to overhaul your life in one day. I mean, in fact, that's just a plan

day. I mean, in fact, that's just a plan for disaster. Start with wearing what

for disaster. Start with wearing what you like. Speak up in a class or a

you like. Speak up in a class or a meeting and say no to something you don't want to do. Each small step builds up your courage. And number three, [music] accept that you will be

disliked. Look, not everyone will like

disliked. Look, not everyone will like you, and that is okay. [music] In fact, it's necessary because if everyone liked you, you're probably not being real. The

people who matter, they respect those who are true to themselves. even if they don't always agree. And if it wasn't enough for you, there's scientific research to back up living authentically, too. [music] A study

authentically, too. [music] A study published in 2016 found that people who behave authentically experience greater feelings of well-being, less overall anxiety, and form stronger relationships

with others. Why is that? Well, because

with others. Why is that? Well, because

authenticity attracts the right people and repels the wrong people. So, let's

recap. [music] You don't need universal approval. You're not responsible for

approval. You're not responsible for other people's reactions. True happiness

comes from living authentically and [music] contributing from a place of truth. And being disliked is not a

truth. And being disliked is not a failure. It's a sign that you're doing

failure. It's a sign that you're doing [music] something right. The courage to be disliked is really the courage to be yourself. Unfiltered, unmasked,

yourself. Unfiltered, unmasked, unapologetic. So, if you've been finding

unapologetic. So, if you've been finding yourself living to please others, worrying excessively about how you might be judged, or hesitant to do the things that make you most happy, just remember

[music] this. You don't need everyone to

[music] this. You don't need everyone to like you. You just need the courage to

like you. You just need the courage to like yourself. And as ever, stay tuned

like yourself. And as ever, stay tuned [music] for the next one.

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