the detachment rabbit hole

Let's start this off with a little bit of a story. Okay, it's not a good story, but it's a necessary story for this episode. So, about a month ago, maybe a

episode. So, about a month ago, maybe a little over a month ago, I was doing research for a podcast episode about modern toxic dating advice. The concept

was I gather modern toxic dating advice and then give my thoughts on it here on this very podcast, Anything Goes, with Emma Chamberlain, the podcast that you're listening to right now. So, I was

on the internet doing a deep dive. I was

reading articles about modern dating advice. I was going on Tik Tok looking

advice. I was going on Tik Tok looking up dating advice. And most importantly, for the sake of this story, I was on YouTube looking up modern dating advice.

And a buzzword that kept coming up in my search was detachment. And at first I kind of ignored it because I was like that's like obviously going to be toxic,

you know, like I'll go back to that later because that immediately to me sounds toxic. So I guess in my research

sounds toxic. So I guess in my research or whatever, I just kind of wrote it off. I was like, "Oh, I I'll put a pin

off. I was like, "Oh, I I'll put a pin in that for now." I'm trying to find stuff that is maybe less obvious. Do you

know what I mean? Because based on my understanding of the word detached, detachment, the concept of being detached in love to me out the gate

sounded like a bad idea. Sounded toxic.

Okay. Just based on my vague knowledge of what that word means. So, I put a pin in it, continued my research, found a bunch of modern toxic dating advice, and then I eventually went back to

detachment. I was like, last but not

detachment. I was like, last but not least, what is this all about? And I

clicked the first video I found about detachment and love and I was shocked at what I heard. I was like, "Wait a

minute. This is not toxic at all. That's

minute. This is not toxic at all. That's

it. It's just not toxic at all." And so I was like, "Oh, okay. I guess I'm not adding that to my list of toxic dating advice." And then I let it go. Okay. And

advice." And then I let it go. Okay. And

then my algorithm decided to almost exclusively feed me videos about detachment and love for the following week. And eventually I fell into it and

week. And eventually I fell into it and I kind of went down the detachment rabbit hole. Specifically within the

rabbit hole. Specifically within the context of love, but I I would say on a personal level it extended beyond that for me. Like yes, a lot of the content

for me. Like yes, a lot of the content around it was about dating, romance, relationships, but I would say as a

consumer of content around this concept, I've sort of looked at it with an even broader lens. But for whatever reason,

broader lens. But for whatever reason, I've been fed a lot of content about detachment and love. And I'll be honest, the concept of it, the message around it

has actually been incredibly helpful for me. And so that's what we're going to be

me. And so that's what we're going to be digging into today. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Hotels.com. Save Your Way is a new

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apply. Seas site for details. Now back

to the episode.

To start, I should explain why I initially doubted this concept so hard.

Why I I judged it so hard. Well, the

technical definition of detachment is the state of being objective or aloof.

Aloof meaning not friendly or forthcoming, cool and distant. Now, that

goes against my love, romance, dating philosophy. I'm all about wearing your

philosophy. I'm all about wearing your heart on your sleeve. To be honest, I'm all about that because even though that's something that's challenging for me, I think dating and romance would be

so much easier if we all just wore our heart on our sleeve. I mean, Captain Obvious over here, me. But don't you think like if we all just were completely honest, put it all out on the

table at any given moment, how helpful would that be? immensely helpful. How

often in love and romance do we read between the lines? Drive oursel nuts trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. How often do people that we date drive themselves up a wall trying to figure out what we're

thinking? What a relief it would be if

thinking? What a relief it would be if we all just wore our heart on our sleeve. I don't like the idea of being

sleeve. I don't like the idea of being aloof in love, especially in a long-term committed relationship. Absolutely not.

committed relationship. Absolutely not.

Being cool and distant sounds like a shitty relationship. Sounds like a

shitty relationship. Sounds like a terrible vibe. If I'm in a relationship,

terrible vibe. If I'm in a relationship, I want to be cuddled vibes.

I want to be complimented vibes. I want

a little bit of simp vibes. Not like

fullon simp vibes where it's like, "Ooh, we need to talk about something other than how awesome you think I am." You

know, like that. Not that that's Yeah.

really ever happened to me. I've never

been sed on that hard, which is a good thing. That's fine with me. But in a

thing. That's fine with me. But in a long-term relationship, in in in love, if you will, I don't love the idea of being objective or aloof. Like, the

whole point is that you're really stoked on someone. And you might potentially

on someone. And you might potentially want to build a life together. That's

pretty serious in every capacity. So, it

seems to me kind of counterintuitive or it seemed to me kind of counterintuitive based on the definition of detachment as its own sort of thing. It sounded to me

like not caring, being stoic. Being

stoic means to endure pain or hardship without complaining, showing emotion, or displaying weakness. Like again, all of

displaying weakness. Like again, all of this to me feels completely counterintuitive in love. Love should be in my opinion, in my experience, what I

crave in it is, or not even love. I need

to be careful with the word love because like I should stick to the words romance and dating, but I'm throwing love in there cuz it just kind of comes out. But

love is tricky because like loving somebody means to care about their well-being and their happiness in a very particular way. I don't know.

Like love is kind of complicated and I think a lot of times we date people and we think that we love them but we actually don't. So it's a very tricky

actually don't. So it's a very tricky thing. Like you can be dating somebody

thing. Like you can be dating somebody and not love them and yet you're still dating. Okay, now my brain is starting

dating. Okay, now my brain is starting to melt out of my ears. We need to reel it in. Reel it in. Getting back on

it in. Reel it in. Getting back on track. What I was saying was the whole

track. What I was saying was the whole point of dating and romance is that it's vulnerable. It's romantic. Hence the

vulnerable. It's romantic. Hence the

word romance. It's deeply powerful. You

feel it in a really deep, profound way.

It's exciting. It's kind of drug-like.

Like all of this is what makes it so awesome, you know? And so to me, the idea of approaching all of this stuff that's normally so emotive, if you will,

so profound, so powerful, whatever, to like approach it with a stoicism or detachment seems kind of

unfortunate to me, you know, like to just not care. It's like, but the whole point is that you care. the whole point, the reason why you're pursuing this person is because you care about them in

a different perhaps deeper way than you normally feel about most people. So, it

didn't make sense to me. But then upon clicking on the YouTube video about detachment and love, I was like, "Oh, it's a little different." Listen, I'm

not going to take a place of authority here cuz we all know Emma doesn't know what the [ __ ] she's talking about. I'm

just I'm a student of life just like the rest of y'all. Okay, I don't know what's going on. And by the way, you probably

going on. And by the way, you probably don't either, but it does kind of seem to me that the technical definition of

detachment is like not being it's not being used properly in these conversations about dating today. Like

people who are on the internet talking about being detached in love, it's taking on a new life. It's a bit more nuanced in a love capacity, in a romance

capacity. And that's a bit confusing.

capacity. And that's a bit confusing.

You know what I mean? Because I don't feel like the definition of detachment in romance is the same as the actual definition of detachment. Seems like

everybody's using a different sort of definition when it's in that context, which is confusing. So, it makes sense that, you know, I kind of doubted this whole thing in the beginning.

But upon watching videos, I was shocked to hear the way people are using this word. Okay, according to people on the

word. Okay, according to people on the internet, detachment in in romance and in love is as follows. Okay, it's not about not caring about the person. It's

not about being aloof, being koi. It's

about being emotionally separated from the other person in a healthy way to help reduce love induced anxiety and ensure that you maintain your own sense

of self. Okay. It's not about being

of self. Okay. It's not about being detached fully. It seems to me based on

detached fully. It seems to me based on what I've gathered that it's more about detaching yourself just enough that you can still maintain

your own like you are still the center of your universe. You know, you are still your

universe. You know, you are still your number one priority. It's it's kind of like taking care of yourself before taking care of others. It's like the airplane safety manual. You know, they

say like if the oxygen masks come down, you put your mask on before you put anyone else's on. In order to take care of others, you have to take care of yourself in a way. And maybe I'm reading this wrong and maybe this is just my own

interpretation. And by the way, if

interpretation. And by the way, if that's the case, I'm not claiming to be sort of a source of wisdom here. I'm

more just talking about what I've discovered and how it's impacted me in a way. Like that's what I'm here to do

way. Like that's what I'm here to do today. I'm not here to necessarily

today. I'm not here to necessarily educate you. more just share like what

educate you. more just share like what I've gathered from all this and how it's benefited me and then you can do whatever the [ __ ] you want with it. But

it seems to me that the concept is like about detaching yourself enough from a particular person that you love that you can take care of yourself before you

take care of them. So that you're not being completely consumed by their life, their pain, their challenges, what they're thinking, what they're doing.

You can maintain honestly a balanced nervous system at the end of the day that's rooted in you rather than anyone else. But it's not about not caring.

else. But it's not about not caring.

It's basically a healthy boundary really. But I think there's something

really. But I think there's something powerful about the word detach because at least for me this is all stuff that I vaguely knew I believed in, right? like

I didn't necessarily learn anything completely new going down this detachment rabbit hole, but rather it like really painted a beautiful picture in my head that's been really helpful

ever since.

And yeah, the word detach to me was really helpful in painting that picture in my head in a way that I've never seen it before where it's like you're not detaching all the way, right? Like you

don't need to detach all the way cuz I think to detach all the way is to not care about somebody anymore. to like

train yourself to not care about somebody anymore, right? In this

context. But it seems that the concept of detachment is about maintaining a sense of independence in relationships in order to have a healthier relationship because dependence breeds

negative emotions on both sides, right?

The person who's perhaps more dependent is like constantly stressed about this other person because that other person is like their source of everything in life. You know, source of joy, source of

life. You know, source of joy, source of fulfillment, source of comfort, the list goes on. If your source of those things

goes on. If your source of those things is in somebody else, oof, you know, that is not a reliable source. Ideally, all

those things come from as much as possible from within, right? In theory.

And then for the other person, the other person who is being depended on perhaps more, they can feel suffocated like oof, you know, I feel like I'm carrying this

person around in a backpack in a way.

Like it's just this weight. Like I cuz this person is relying on me emotionally in such a significant way. Like I feel responsible in a way that is kind of

dreadful and heavy. It's about detaching enough to be independent still in a relationship or you know whatever. I

guess yes in a relationship any type though. I think this applies to any

though. I think this applies to any type. I think of it sort of like again

type. I think of it sort of like again the word detach really became a very strong like it just painted such a good picture in my head. Like when I was thinking about the concept of

independence in relationships again this is something I already knew was valuable but seeing it in my head solidified it in a brand new way. Like I was imagining it like you know like you and people

that you love are connected by threads.

Okay, this is probably a metaphor an image that you have probably thought about in your head before too. Like I

don't again I don't think I'm like painting a brand new picture here. Okay,

I'm not Edvard Monk painting the scream.

Okay, this is not I'm not and I'm not claiming to do so. I'm not painting a new painting, right? It's like I'm [ __ ] copying Van Go's self-portrait right now. And I know that but I'm

right now. And I know that but I'm admitting to it. I'm giving I'm giving idea credits. I think of it as like you

idea credits. I think of it as like you and people that you love are connected by threads like sewn together, right?

And the to me the idea of maintaining a level of detachment is to like you kind of cut the threads and then you reso them more spread out so that you're further away from that person. You're

still connected. You still have the threads connecting you. But instead of being so tightly sewn together that you can barely move, you can cut those threads and you can sew them a bit looser so that everybody can move

freely, but that love is still there and there is still that connection. And I

think that visual to me, the comparison between being so tightly bound and sewn to somebody that you can barely move versus being able to move completely freely and wonderfully almost as if the

threads aren't there, but the threads are there. You know what I mean? like

are there. You know what I mean? like

that visual to me was so valuable and that came from the this this detachment rabbit hole. I think another interesting

rabbit hole. I think another interesting thing that I discovered going down this rabbit hole is that it's about relinquishing control of others, letting them make mistakes, letting go of anxiety about what they're doing,

relieving ourselves from the responsibility of others, like accepting the fact that others behaviors to an extent are out of our control. And that

is like one of the key pieces of advice that you receive if you're somebody with anxiety. You know, let go of things that

anxiety. You know, let go of things that you can't control. And this is going handinhand with that, right? But I do think that at times we can forget how out of our control other people's

actions are. You know, like we can't

actions are. You know, like we can't control if somebody that we're dating cheats on us. We can't control if they have fun without us. We can't control if their feelings about us change. We can't

control any of that. I think that we think that we can through our actions.

Like we think like if we're the perfectest, most perfect person in a relationship that that would never happen. But is that true? It's

never happen. But is that true? It's

like no. I actually sort of am starting to believe that there's no such thing as being like so perfect that somebody could never leave you. Like even that doesn't work. I think it's sort of a

doesn't work. I think it's sort of a relief to believe that people are going to figure out who you are whether you like it or not and they're either going to like it or they're not. And that's

it. Like you can you can put on a show all you want, but I I don't think it works. I think eventually people will

works. I think eventually people will see through it. Eventually, you cannot keep up the charade for that long and eventually they will see through it. And

so to me that's kind of a relief, right?

And again, maybe that's not true. Maybe

you can put on a charade your whole [ __ ] life. And I mean, sounds miserable, but you know, you could do it, but it it's it's sort of a relief to think that eventually you will be find out found out for who you are

regardless of what kind of charade you're trying to put on. And I don't think it it changes the outcome of of a relationship. Like I think a

relationship. Like I think a relationship is either going to work or it's not. And a charade that you're

it's not. And a charade that you're putting on is not going to is not going to change that. Because I think again this goes back I I promise that this goes back to what I was talking about. A

part of detachment is relinquishing control of others. What they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling. That's out of our control. We

feeling. That's out of our control. We

must let it go. We must we must detach enough to let that go. And I think what's great about that is that that allows you to be yourself in a relationship and that is so much better

because again you're going to get found out anyway. So it's like just do it out

out anyway. So it's like just do it out the gate and save yourself the exhaustion in a way. But also too like yeah if if you're like concerned about what somebody you're romantically

interested in is doing. If you're

concerned about it like you feel like they go out without you too much, you feel like they have more fun without you. this and that like that might still

you. this and that like that might still bother you even if you're detached and that's then a sign that maybe you're not compatible you know maybe it's not working like you could still discover

that I think it's just that if you're somebody who's particularly attached you're going to get upset like every time they they're not hanging out with you anytime they're not they're having fun without you that's going to freak

you out you know and you're gonna overthink it and you're gonna spiral about it and that's not necessary it's a waste of energy if you're detached and then you're still concerned about what they're doing and stuff and you don't

trust them, that's like that's that's an issue. That's a valid issue. But I think

issue. That's a valid issue. But I think we can often times spiral about those things. And then the final discovery

things. And then the final discovery going down the detachment rabbit hole, the last sort of detachment pillar, if you will, would be the concept of detaching from

the outcome of the situation. Okay, this

was perhaps the most profound for me on a personal level. Even though this is something I already had somewhat of a grasp on. I feel like again this really

grasp on. I feel like again this really solidified something in my head in a way that I am so grateful for. Like it's

been so helpful to have this be as solidified as it is in my brain now.

Like it feels rock solid in a way where maybe before it was like the leaning tower of Pisa. Well, now it's it's like more not leaning. Like what's a building

that's not leaning? Like the Louve.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. The leaning

tower pizza. It it looks great. It's

been there a long time, but it is leaning. The Lou, on the other hand,

leaning. The Lou, on the other hand, that thing is like symmetrical and perfect and like rock solid, you know?

Although, did it get robbed? Cuz maybe

that kind of [ __ ] up my Oh, yeah. It

did. Forgot about that. And then I just remembered they stole jewels.

Okay, maybe the Louve wasn't the right idea cuz it clearly it's not as structurally sound as I'm trying to like I need something in this metaphor that's like really structurally sound. But I I mean the Louv is still structurally

sound even though it did get robbed. But

that was more of like not about the structure. Let's stick to architecture

structure. Let's stick to architecture here. Architecturally, the Lou is very

here. Architecturally, the Lou is very solid. I would say probably.

solid. I would say probably.

Anywh who, I've had an understanding of the importance of not expecting an exact outcome. I've even talked about that on

outcome. I've even talked about that on this podcast. Like I have had an

this podcast. Like I have had an understanding of that for a long time.

You know, the importance of keeping your goals sort of broad enough that life can sort of unfold as it may and you're not locked into one sort of outcome, right?

like things can unfold naturally and you can be a bit more intuitive in your life if you don't have this exact specific idea about what your life is going to be. I've had that going on in the brain

be. I've had that going on in the brain leaning tower of pizza style. But going

down the detachment rabbit hole and kind of grasping this concept of like detaching from the outcome, I don't know. It it's like it doesn't sound that

know. It it's like it doesn't sound that different from what I already held as a belief, you know, but it's there's something about the word detached that

ended up being really powerful for me.

And I feel like I've truly grasped it in a way that I maybe didn't before or like No, I I wouldn't say that actually. I

would say it just feels clearer in my brain than ever. feels sharp and refined in a way that has really been helpful for me in my life recently. It's about

releasing expectations about the future so that one can enjoy the moment and analyze one's actions rationally as they occur and make smart decisions about the next move in the relationship. You know

what I mean? If you're all like, you know, if you've decided that this is the person you're going to marry on like the fifth date or even a year in and you've

decided that perhaps too soon depending on your life and circumstances, doesn't leave any room to potentially be wrong. And sometimes you're wrong about

wrong. And sometimes you're wrong about those things, especially in dating where like at first you're like, "Oh my god, this is the love of my life." And then you get to know each other a little better and you're like, "You know what?

We're actually not that compatible." And

see, I've been the type in the past to like make up my mind really quickly like, "Oh, I'm going to marry this person. Yep, this is the person I'm

person. Yep, this is the person I'm going to marry." And then it doesn't work out. We're not actually that

work out. We're not actually that compatible. We should not get married.

compatible. We should not get married.

We are not good for each other. And I

will stay in relationships longer than I should because I kind of made that decision, right? And I think that those

decision, right? And I think that those experiences that I've had in the past have forced me to work on releasing expectations because I think the fall is

much harder when you're wrong than if you just didn't know if you just accept that you didn't know what was going to happen and you left it open-ended. But

see, I'm not somebody who likes to leave things things open-ended. I love having a plan, but I think in certain things in life, having a a super buttoned up plan,

it can backfire, you know, and I think the concept of detachment in romance is like detach yourself from the outcome. I

would argue almost completely. Now, this

is perhaps up for debate. Again, I'm not an authority in on this topic, but the way that I internalized it was detaching from the outcome completely, especially

in dating. Listen, you want to have

in dating. Listen, you want to have goals, right, in your life, you want to have dreams, etc. But I think on a micro scale, like say when you're dating somebody and you

know, I will say obviously this rabbit hole that I went down was mainly about dating and love and relationships. So

that was why I internalized it in this way. Like in dating, I think it's not a

way. Like in dating, I think it's not a bad idea to detach from the outcome completely until you know there's a conversation had between you and your

partner that's super serious about like what the future is. But I think a lot of times we jump to conclusions really early on. And I think detaching from the

early on. And I think detaching from the outcome can be incredibly helpful in dating. It's like, okay, third date.

dating. It's like, okay, third date.

this is going really well, but I don't know what's going to happen. And that's

okay. I'm gonna let it happen to me and let the answers become clear to me. I'm

not going to jump to conclusions about the answers. That's not to say that you

the answers. That's not to say that you you won't know that somebody's like your soulmate on your first date. It's

definitely probably possible. Definitely

probably possible. But I think the detachment from the outcome not only relieves a lot of anxiety because then you're not like trying to make sure it's perfect, everything's unfolding

perfectly, but also too, you approach judging this person more rationally. This episode is brought to

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things people love. Now, back to the episode. Now, I think what's been the

episode. Now, I think what's been the most interesting about going down this rabbit hole is that in the moment I was like, "Oh, this is interesting." And

like I agree with all of this and I've kind of held all these beliefs, you know, somewhat loosely in my head for, you know, a while now. But I think what

was the most interesting is how it stuck with me and how it's sort of changed the way I approach like no it hasn't changed the way that I approach things but I

feel like it's just given me a sense of clarity and I know I've said that a lot in this episode. It's like Emma you've said 18 times that you know this is like gone from the leaning tower of Pisa to

the Louv. Okay, we're no longer leaning.

the Louv. Okay, we're no longer leaning.

We're very solid. We're very upright.

You know what I'm saying? But I've just found that I recently have been really gravitating towards this idea of detachment in life to things and not in

the way that I ever would have expected, right? Because I really judged this

right? Because I really judged this concept. I was like detachment means to

concept. I was like detachment means to be completely remove like to remove from something to unattach. You know, you're attached to something now you're not.

And I think digging into the nuance of it, okay, to be detached from something can mean, if you wanted to to just loosen the threads a little bit, you

know, it doesn't mean cutting the threads completely. It just means

threads completely. It just means loosening the threads a little bit. And

I will say there's other areas of my life where this sort of concept applies.

And there's other areas of my life where I've sort of already kind of been doing this, but this sort of discovery of like the concept in in a love context actually also helped in other areas of

my life. I would say my career is a

my life. I would say my career is a great example of that. I would say I've been working on my attachment slashdetachment to my work life for a while now because

well I think it started in the very beginning when my career began because the particular career path that I chose is pretty unpredictable, right?

You don't really know what tomorrow brings. Uh there are a lot of really

brings. Uh there are a lot of really complex variables in a career like this.

Not that that's like a bad thing. It's

kind of neutral. I mean, there's complicated variables in every career path, but I would say in my particular one, it's quite finicky uh this career

path. Like, you could wake up tomorrow

path. Like, you could wake up tomorrow and nobody wants to watch your YouTube videos. Nobody wants to listen to your

videos. Nobody wants to listen to your podcast anymore. You know, there you're

podcast anymore. You know, there you're relying on people wanting to spend time with you. And that's a very fickle

with you. And that's a very fickle thing. You know, if people decide one

thing. You know, if people decide one day that they don't like you anymore, if you grow and evolve or change, maybe even devolve, okay, you might lose that audience and that is the driving. That

is what allows it to be a job is that there's people consuming the content.

So, it's like that's a very fickle thing. And that was something that

thing. And that was something that caused me a lot of anxiety as a young person. A lot of anxiety. I was like,

person. A lot of anxiety. I was like, I'm like really taking a big risk, you know? I'm not going to college. I didn't

know? I'm not going to college. I didn't

finish high school properly. I did I technically kind of but like you know I took like a test to get out early but it's like took a huge risk to do this as my job and at the drop of a hat

everybody could go and not care anymore and not like me anymore and now I'm out of a job and now what? And so very early on, without even realizing I was doing

it, I started to establish a sense of detachment with this job. And it's been very hard because it is so intertwined with my life, my day-to-day life. Like I

talk about my life. That's a big part of this job. I show a lot of my life less

this job. I show a lot of my life less so as I've gotten older, but I still do that. It's complicated. It's more

that. It's complicated. It's more

complicated as the career progresses.

And I Yeah. more things it gets more complicated. But also too, I'm my own

complicated. But also too, I'm my own boss. So like I mean there's definitely

boss. So like I mean there's definitely deadlines that I have and contracts that I'm in. It's not like I'm completely my

I'm in. It's not like I'm completely my own boss all the way, but I can choose what hours I work and things like that.

And so that means I can work all the time and I'm somebody who's like a perfectionist and a freak. And so

sometimes I will push myself to work all the time and that's leads to terrible work life balance and and misery. And so

like I think in this particular career detachment is very necessary and it's been an ongoing journey as to how to master it because I think in every single like every single facet of this

career I think benefits from a level of detachment and so I've been sort of working on that for the last 8 years or however long I've been doing that detachment from number one the outcome accepting the fact that this could go

away tomorrow and that's okay and that's just something I have to accept you know like this might not last in the same way that other careers do, right? That's one

one thing. Another thing, there's like an emotional element of this career where I'm being very vulnerable on camera and people are consuming that and and it's a very vulnerable parasocial

experience. I think that can become at

experience. I think that can become at times a bit heavy and I've tried to manage my level of attachment to that.

Also too, work life balance. There needs

to be times where I'm detached from my work life and I have a life outside of it. That has been incredibly challenging

it. That has been incredibly challenging for me because I'm a workaholic by nature and I just want to work all the time because it makes me feel good in the moment or I think it makes me feel

good but it actually ends up burning me out really badly hard and fast.

But I've sort of been doing that or working on that in my career in a way for the last eight years because it it became clear to me very quickly that that was a necessary thing. But I didn't

have a word for it. And I think the word detachment really like or the word detached.

Detaching. Detached. Attached. Like for

whatever reason that word just clicked in my head and and made it all make sense. It made it all click. And I feel

sense. It made it all click. And I feel like it's allowed me to I don't know.

there's just like a word for it that's been really helpful. Like listen,

there's a lot of ways that you could sort of slice this whole thing. Do you

know what I mean? Like there's a lot of ways that you could look at it. Like

it's really just like age-old concepts repackaged. Like using the word

repackaged. Like using the word detached, detaching, detachment. It's

really just repackaging other ideas. Do

you know what I mean? Like it's not a brand new fresh idea to me or probably to you either. But the reason why I wanted to talk about it today is because there it has had a significant impact on

me and it's been incredibly helpful and it's just sometimes all you need is just a word that like triggers a visual in your brain that just helps you solidify

something in your head. And I I have seen this sort of creep into every category of my life, whether it's dating, whether it's work, whether it's

friendship, whether it's even hobbies.

Like, it's just it's creeped into everything in a way that I think has been incredibly helpful and beneficial to me. And so, I just thought I'd

to me. And so, I just thought I'd discuss it with you all. And hey, maybe it was helpful. Maybe it was helpful.

Maybe it wasn't. Maybe you're like, "Emma, you're on like you're kind of sounding like a dummy today." And that's okay. If

this is like old news to you, this is whatever. Listen, you got there first.

whatever. Listen, you got there first.

You win. You got there first and you win. But like I can't I can't even tell

win. But like I can't I can't even tell you all how often I'm like closing my eyes and thinking about the concept of the threads like how tightly woven I am

to something. like how tightly woven am

to something. like how tightly woven am I to this person, to this goal in my career, you know, to this whatever. How

tightly woven am I to that? And how can I loosen those threads a little bit to maintain a healthy sort of balance? And

I think the beautiful thing about it is I've applied it to so many different things and it's only benefited my life.

Like when it comes to say like dating for example, okay, I'm not even worried.

Do you know what I I used to be like I used to be so worried in dating and especially in singlehood, you know, very concerned with the outcome, concerned

about how how a guy I'm talking to feels about me, really like overtaken by that.

And listen, there are still moments where perhaps that happens to an extent, but then I remember the concept of detachment. I take a moment of

detachment. I take a moment of mindfulness and I sort of allow it to calm me down you know and then you know what what comes from that enjoying the

moment more enjoying it. Same thing goes with career. I can have a lot of anxiety

with career. I can have a lot of anxiety about my career in in ways that are maybe a bit unconventional but the job itself is a bit unconventional. It's a bit odd you

bit unconventional. It's a bit odd you know and I have a lot of anxiety about it. And when I'm having anxiety about it

it. And when I'm having anxiety about it I'm like okay you need to detach a little bit. You need to loosen the

little bit. You need to loosen the threads a little bit. Some of your threads are too tight. Ooh, that's what it is. God, that's what it is. When I

it is. God, that's what it is. When I

feeling when I feel anxious about something, okay, whether it's dating or it's career or it's a friendship or it's whatever, that means some of my threads

are too tight. I'm too attached to something and I need to loosen the threads a little bit. And when I think of it like that, it sort of inspires me to solve the problem, address the

problem. Why are the threads so tight?

problem. Why are the threads so tight?

What do I need to do to loosen those threads? You know what I'm saying?

threads? You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, I hope that this was useful to to at least one of you out there. And if

it was and if you enjoyed this new episodes of Anything Goes Every Thursday, stream anywhere, uh, come hang out. It's always a joy to spend time with you all. And I really am

so grateful that you spend any of your valuable time with me. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet. Chamberlain Coffee. Thank

the internet. Chamberlain Coffee. Thank

you all for listening and hanging out.

As I just said literally 5 seconds ago, it's always a pleasure. But it is true.

It is always a pleasure. And I'll talk to you next week. I love you all.

Detach, but not too much. That's my

advice for you, I guess. I don't know.