The Easiest Way to Actually Heal From a Breakup

Healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person. And you focus on how you can give yourself that feeling without that person. How you can

create that emotion and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person. That you can find that

that person. That you can find that connection with yourself and others without that person. When you think that

that person is more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will never be able to let go. But here's the real thing you miss. You don't miss them. You

miss who you thought you'd be with them.

It's one of the hardest truths to face.

That you can love someone deeply, lose them, and still feel stuck long after the story ends. You tell yourself, "I should be over this by now." But the

memories still show up. The song, the scent, the old photo, and suddenly you're right back there again. Here's

the truth about breakups. We don't get addicted to people. We get addicted to how we felt around them, how we felt wanted, seen, and chosen. And now that

they're gone, your brain is chasing that feeling, not the person. It's

fascinating that we think we're chasing the person back, but really we're chasing the feeling back. And that's why it's so important to go and find something else that gives you that

feeling from yourself, your friends, community, connection, because that feeling is something that should belong to you. Closure is realizing you may

to you. Closure is realizing you may never get the apology, but you're done waiting for it. Closure is accepting that some chapters end without

explanations and that's still an ending.

Closure is choosing peace over answers.

It's when you stop trying to understand why it happened and start focusing on what it taught you. Recovering from a breakup is moving three steps forward

and two steps back. It's feeling like you're healing and then crying like you're back to day one. It's

experiencing growth and then feeling grief. Healing isn't linear. You might

grief. Healing isn't linear. You might

feel strong for weeks, then suddenly you see their name and everything floods back. That doesn't mean you're broken.

back. That doesn't mean you're broken.

It means you're human. We rate these things as these things. And we, you know, when we think of losing someone, we look at all of those things and go, I couldn't lose them. you know, they're they're funny and they're charismatic

and and they're super fun to be around and they're sexy and they can play the guitar and they can, you know, speak three languages and and it still is a

kind of Instagram profile version of a person. M

person. M and someone recently said to me like I'm in a relationship with a guy and you know he plays the guitar and I find that really sexy and he's really good-looking

and and I'm like it he doesn't need in order to be in a relationship with you.

He doesn't need to be great at music. He

needs to be great at a relationship.

Yeah.

And if you want to hear someone play guitar really well, go to a John May concert.

Yeah. Like you don't need that every day in your relationship, right? What's important in a

right? What's important in a relationship is someone who is really competent in a relationship and has those skills and those skills

are hard one. I have come to really believe that my my view of love has changed to the extent that I think firstly the idea of

you know is it about meeting the right person or is it about being the right time and I've started to weight my opinion

far more towards time.

Wow. that when you have decided it's the right time for you to really meet someone, you go into love with a completely different intentionality.

Love isn't happening to you. It's not

this wave that's washing over you, which is super easy. When a wave's washing over you, you just stand there and just bask in the goodness of how wonderful it

feels to to feel that sort of drug. But

that's not the same thing as as intentionally. There's a difference

intentionally. There's a difference between winning the lottery and starting a business.

You know, when you start a business, there's a method. There's a a practical there's a pragmatism to it. The things

you need to do in order to build this thing. And I think that that to me it's

thing. And I think that that to me it's I don't think I've developed a less romantic view. I I actually, if

romantic view. I I actually, if anything, have more and more and more come to see a person who's in a place where they're willing to actually do the

work of a relationship as romantic. One

of the biggest problems is people falling for people really quickly.

Yes. falling in love too fast where it's because they went on a couple of great dates with a guy and they can look at the date and go, he was amazing and you

you should have seen what he did and how he was on the date and all of that. And

the thing I have to always break down is that may not have been about you.

Mhm.

It is about something he wanted you to feel.

Mhm.

By the end of the date.

Mhm.

And not that you know you I I I'm a I kind of loathe this culture we have right now where everyone's a narcissist.

Like we call we're so quick to like label he's a narcissist, she's a narcissist. Like I'm like not every like

narcissist. Like I'm like not every like we all have a narcissistic streak.

Absolutely.

And we all exhibit narcissistic behaviors at time. That doesn't mean we're a diagnosible narcissist.

But a narcissistic streak we all have early in dating and to differing degrees is the desire to impress.

Yes.

Rather than connect.

Mhm. And so we go on a date with someone and you know at the height of it if someone's really on the extreme end they will give the greatest date of someone's life.

Yeah.

That person goes away and they're like this guy is amazing or this person and they they may have put on an amazing date but you you know nothing yet. Mhm.

And what's cool about your wife say, you know, going going through that process with you is, you know, I can imagine for her it's almost like, well, I want to see how you are in week four.

Yeah.

Or I want to see how you are in month three.

Yeah.

Or and until you've been there, you really don't know how great of a partner somebody is going to be.

Yeah.

And that that's what I mean by, you know, when you asked me about what I've really learned about love and and I talked about valuing the wrong things.

That's one of the big ways that it shows up. If you are getting

up. If you are getting crazy nervous on a date, Mhm.

you're already that's already a reflection of the fact that you've valued the wrong things because you're valuing this person's looks or their status or what you

perceive them to be. But you can't, you're not valuing them in a relationship or in relation to you, which is defined by how much they give, how they connect with you, how they

relate to you, how they see you.

All of that stuff is completely is you're at a zero.

Yeah.

The person who's still great in week eight is showing you the right things, but if they suddenly ghost you in week nine, then it doesn't mean they would have been great in week 16.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They're like, "Oh, but they were the one and I just I don't know what I need closure." You have closure.

closure." You have closure.

Mhm.

That action was closure. What they

showed you is they had eight good weeks in them.

Yeah.

That's interesting. Yeah. That's

interesting. It's It's And it's the same as you'd say in sport. Like if you if you I'm just I was just thinking about sport while you were saying that. It's

the idea of like a player may have one good season in him or her and then that player may have had 10 good seasons in him or her. And

sometimes we have these players where we're like, "Oh, she's going to be the next or he's going to be the next." And

then all of a sudden they don't give you that season. And in sports, we get

that season. And in sports, we get closure by just going, "All right, they had potential, but they didn't make it."

But you're right, in love and life, it's a lot hard to have that mentality of like, "They gave me eight good weeks, but they didn't make it."

Well, you and you sit there and you obsess over someone who just left you going, you obsess over what they could have been.

Yeah. Right. This could have, you know, this was so promising.

They were everything that I was looking for. This could have been. And anytime

for. This could have been. And anytime

you you someone breaks up with us, you know, the heartbreak is the loss of the life we thought we were going to have with someone, this is this is what it could have been. This is what it should

have been.

Yeah.

And my answer to that is it would have been if it should have been and could have been. Yeah.

been. Yeah.

Then it would have been you're literally you're grieving over something that was not it by definition it wasn't meant

to happen cuz it didn't happen.

Yes.

Yeah.

It didn't happen. So this idea that it it was supposed to or it should have is myth. It's a fantasy. It's science

myth. It's a fantasy. It's science

fiction.

Yeah. But I feel like in relationships, we have this fantasy mind that's already written the script and the book and the

trilogy before the second date is over.

And so it's almost like relationship seems to be like the one area of our life where we write decades into the future and we can't help ourselves because we almost think that that and and it's almost like you're living what

you're saying is you're living off the fantasy, not even of the reality that's right in front of you. And so even when you're on a date with them, you're not even there because you're in your

fantasy land of what you think it is.

There's a story from Bukowski where he he slept with a prostitute. Every

romantic story begins with begins this way. He slept with a prostitute and she

way. He slept with a prostitute and she um he woke up to her having stolen his poetry and he was so upset, so mad.

Terrible. Yeah. And um he wrote about it and he wrote a piece that was all about how you could take anything. Take my

money. Take the other stuff in the in the apartment. Take it all, but please

the apartment. Take it all, but please not my anything but my poetry. And the

the whole piece finishes with the line and then God said crossing his legs, I see where I have created a great many poets but not so very much poetry.

Wow. And the the idea is that you know the person who has potential in a relationship is the poet.

The poet. Everyone's a poet.

Not many people writing poetry.

Yeah.

Writing is the more difficult part. A

lot of people who are great on a date, very romantic, very charming. They're a

poet on a date.

The poetry is the relationship. And and

you shouldn't, you know, Bukowski was upset because his poetry was taken, the thing he'd worked on. And that's how it should be in a relationship is don't

don't get upset because you lost a poet.

Poets are are a dime a dozen. Poetry is

rare.

People who are willing to write the poetry of a relationship, people who are willing to stick it with you for a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, that's really rare. and and we need to start

really rare. and and we need to start valuing the poetry far more than we value the poet. I'm always looking at the ways people argue

and whether they whether they're trying to do damage in an argument or whether they're trying to rebuild in an argument. And if you're with someone

argument. And if you're with someone that every time you come out of an argument, you feel like they lacerated you and there's that you're you you come out of

an argument bleeding every time, you know, and you're like that, why did they have to say that incredibly nasty thing.

And it's one thing if they come back 10 an hour later and say or even a day later and say, I truly regret having said that to you and I will do better. M

but if they won't even acknowledge that that was a really toxic way to have an argument and that was a really nasty thing to say then that's a problem.

There's a Mitch Albam wrote a line about you know if the culture isn't serving you then you have to be brave enough to create your own culture.

Mhm.

And in dating for so many people I you know I get all the complaints about dating these days. You know it's superficial.

No one's flaky. No one goes on real dates. No one's trying. No one's really

dates. No one's trying. No one's really committing. No one wants a real

committing. No one wants a real relationship. It's like, okay, so what

relationship. It's like, okay, so what you're describing to me is what you perceive to be a culture that's not working for you.

Yeah.

But if that culture isn't serving you, then create your own culture that surrounds you. Mhm.

surrounds you. Mhm.

And and your culture can be powerful not for the world necessarily because in for that there needs to be a combined cultural shift

but in your micro life in your micro problems and and opportunities the culture you create will have an impact on the people around you.

Yeah.

And it the same way you know I said if you go into a room at a party and you say I hope this party's good. Well, now

you're a victim to what however this party is. Yeah. You know, if everyone

party is. Yeah. You know, if everyone seems kind of closed off and mean and, you know, this clicky and it's like, oh god. Then

god. Then you go home and you say, "Oh my god, that party was so, you know, it was one of those horrible parties." But if you go in and you say, "I'm going to at the very least be responsible

for a part of this party."

Yes. I'm going to go in and I'm going to give the love and the energy and the and the and the compassion and the authenticity that I would love for people in this room to join me in giving.

Some will, some won't. And by the way, that's also good because it will help you find your crowd, right? So, you you find your crowd by being the thing you want to be, not by hoping that your crowd elicits it from you completely.

You found your crowd online by going out and being an energy that you wanted to be first and then that crowd noticed you. It's

like a lighthouse. All the ships start knowing where to come home because they see the, you know, they see the lighthouse. That

lighthouse. That that for me is that's one of the most beautiful things about giving energy early on. I see dating, you know, not

early on. I see dating, you know, not just relationships, but I see people in dating these days. It's the game is who can try less, who can be cooler, who can be more indifferent, and and that's honestly not the way to do

it. That's certainly the way to attract

it. That's certainly the way to attract someone of a lower frequency.

I love that. Yeah,

right. You can certainly attract someone who wants the game, who wants the who's got the demons that make them chase someone who's not into them, you know, and there are plenty of people with those demons. But you don't want to

be in a relationship with a person like that. Cuz for sure, a person like that,

that. Cuz for sure, a person like that, the moment you stop playing hard to get and you turn around to meet them, they're not going to be interested in you anymore cuz their demons will tell them, "This person likes us now.

They're not they this person's no longer called to us. Yeah,

they were only called to us as long as they didn't like us.

So, you can't so messed up.

Yeah. But it's, you know, it's that uh that crouch marks thing. I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.

That describes dating insecurity amongst people like that is I want to that person doesn't want me. They must be a catch. Giving an amount of energy you're

catch. Giving an amount of energy you're willing to lose. I always think about that in every interaction.

That's so true. Yeah.

Give an amount you don't mind losing.

Yeah.

It's like going into the casino and playing like roulette. It's like, "All right, I'm in Vegas. I'll give like a hundred bucks and then I'm not spending anything else here in these casinos.

That's it." You know, for me it's normally like 10 bucks cuz I just I am not a gambler. But you just decide what am I happy to lose? And it's the same with energy. It's, you know, I'm dating

with energy. It's, you know, I'm dating right now.

I want to find someone amazing, someone beautiful.

I'm going to give to everyone I interact with an amount of energy I don't mind losing. Mhm.

losing. Mhm.

And some people I'm going to I'm going to bring out the people who who now are willing to give it back cuz all of a sudden they they might be jolted out of their little coma that they've been in because they're

disillusioned with dating and they feel like no one's trying and so they went into their shell but they now they see you with a different level of warmth and playfulness and and and just positivity and they go,

"Huh, who is this? This makes me feel good." And then they come out a little

good." And then they come out a little bit and all of a sudden you see who they are. you wake them up a little bit and

are. you wake them up a little bit and then there's a bunch of people you won't and that's okay because you were willing to lose that much energy.

Yeah.

But what people do instead, they do a far more dangerous thing of being afraid of the rejection from people that they approach or talk to in the first 5 minutes. God forbid I

get rejected in the first 5 minutes.

But then they'll meet someone where they have a bit of connection and chemistry, but who isn't trying, who isn't giving them equal energy, and they'll keep pouring energy into that person month

after month after month when they're not getting the same in return.

Yeah.

And they think that's safer than going out there and getting rejected by a new person.

Yeah.

But actually, this is the dangerous one.

Yes. Yes, but being rejected in 5 minutes by someone who doesn't even know you, who who on an app, how much can someone really reject you anyway? And we

all know our experience. We've all

chosen people in life who on an app we might have swiped right past.

Absolutely.

Right. So, we know from our own personal experience that if we get rejected on an app, it doesn't even mean that person wouldn't like us in real life.

Totally. Yeah.

But we're so afraid of that rejection.

That's mortal fear is that rejection.

And yet continuing to waste months or years on someone who's who's giving us unequal energy is something people happily do. They

spend that time like it's nothing.

And that's the really because it feels safe because it feels like there's something at least. If

someone has stayed in an unhappy situation for a long time, that must mean it is incredibly

difficult for them internally to make peace with the idea of leaving. And and

what's happening, of course, is in this moment where it's evident to all of their friends and family that they should leave and that they should never look back,

their abandonment issue that's been around their whole life is screaming at them.

Yeah.

Screaming. Using any tactic it can to get them to stay. And when they were in the relationship, the way the tactic it used maybe was to go into people pleaser

mode. And even though this person is not

mode. And even though this person is not treating me right, I'm going to do anything I can to make them happy. Make

every compromise, make every sacrifice, bend over backwards, subjugate my own needs to try and serve you all all in order so that I can keep you.

Yeah. And then at a point where you get so unhappy and you say, "Oh my god, this person's terrible. I've had to lose

person's terrible. I've had to lose myself in this relationship to make them happy. I'm going to leave." Just at the

happy. I'm going to leave." Just at the point of leaving, just as your friends are like, "Thank the Lord, they did it.

They left."

You go home that night and that abandonment demon realizes a different tactic has to be played. So it says

maybe they weren't so bad.

Maybe like we're asking for too much.

Maybe like, you know, they did have really great qualities, didn't they? I

mean, they were they were loyal and they they're a lovely person a lot of the time and they're this and they're that and that that voice starts using a different tactic with you

because the only thing that voice wants is don't be abandoned.

Yeah. and it'll do anything in its power to reach that goal. It will ruin your life to achieve that goal because it only has one goal and the goal is don't is not make you happy. The goal is make

sure you're not abandoned.

What's been the most difficult obstacle that you think you've had to face?

I think loneliness.

It's so weird how I would assume that some people, you know, that see me and see all that I've accomplished and all of the people that um listen to my music

and follow me, they would think that that's something that I wouldn't struggle with. But it kind of makes me

struggle with. But it kind of makes me feel lonier in a way. when I go on tour per se and I perform in front of thousands of people and um I get off

stage and I go back into a hotel room by myself, there's not a single thing that could explain how

empty and lonely that feels. you know,

uh, being in front of so many people that love you and that you're connecting with through music and then just going back to have absolutely no one, you know, no one to talk to about it. Yeah,

it's sad. And I deal with things daily, you know, all the time. And sometimes I don't have the people that I can just, you know, call like my mom, you know, I can't just have my mom that comes here

and she can like tell me everything's going to be okay. And it does get scary.

And I feel like I've always been very mature for my age, but since being here, I've matured a lot, having to uh deal with certain things in the industry. But

still, at the same time, I feel like I'm still a kid at heart. You know, I I just I'm only about to turn 21, which is crazy to think about, but I don't know.

I feel like loneliness is something that I struggle with. Um, and it's very hard, uh, especially in LA and Hollywood and

in the industry to find the right people that you can really trust and count on.

I feel like I'm even lucky enough to say that I found like probably four, you know, the entire time I've been here, but you never know what people's intentions are and uh, not everyone has the same heart as you, which I feel like

I struggle with as well.

What have you found to be the hardest stage in a breakup for you personally?

like what's what's the stage that you find the most challenging?

I feel like they're all really hard, but I feel like the the one I think that I I called this one the desperate stage.

Um and I just made a video about it cuz I have this song called Motel Mhm.

And I was like, this one represents the desperate stage of a breakup. And it's

it's kind of like that bargaining stage where you just try and do whatever you can to get that person back in your life no matter what costs and like however

you can. So yeah, it's when like you

you can. So yeah, it's when like you break up with them and then you're at the point where it's like you just want them in your life that you're willing to do whatever it is to keep them in your

life somehow even though it hurts you because you know the way that you want them in your life is the way that you had them before in that relationship.

But now it's like it's not that. And so

you kind of end up hurting yourself more because you're, you know, putting yourself back in that place, but also knowing that like you're going to end up leaving heartbroken again. Cuz it's a

lot harder when you know you try and be with that person, whether it's like friends or just like hooking up or any of that stuff when there's like actual real love and connection on your part

still. But it's like and you try to

still. But it's like and you try to convince yourself like, oh, like this is going to get them back. like our

relationship is going to be like, you know, how it was before, but it doesn't happen and then it crushes you even more. Um, I feel like that's the hardest

more. Um, I feel like that's the hardest stage when you just become very desperate for any ounce of attention that you can get from that person. Um,

because it ends up breaking your heart even more. you know, you didn't you

even more. you know, you didn't you could skip that stage and, you know, fully like lead on the path of healing the way that you should, but I feel like that's like the one stage where we kind of like trip up the stairs and we're

like, "Oh god, yeah, we made it harder for ourselves."

for ourselves." What stage do you thinking you spend the most time in when you break up with someone where you're just like so much energy gets sucked out in being lost at a stage?

Trying to recover from the codependency part. Um because I mean when you're in a

part. Um because I mean when you're in a relationship I know I get so codependent on someone you know that's the person that you have always you know you

there's something that you go through like you have that one person that you can talk to cry to they're always there for you um they become your comfort you

know that's your safe place and then when the relationship's over it's like you don't have that you're left on your own. I feel like that was the longest

own. I feel like that was the longest stage for me to get over because I was so used to being so codependent on someone and you know having that comfort

when it's all gone. Every time that I dealt with something that was hard for me, every time that I got upset, every time I felt alone, I couldn't help but want and like crave that person because

I was used to having them during those times. and trying to escape from the

times. and trying to escape from the codependency and learning how to love yourself and enjoy your own company and uh even just like coming to terms with

the fact that like you can be that person for yourself, you know, and that you don't need anyone. Um I feel like that's the longest process 100%.

In therapy, I realized that it's that's not going to change unless you love yourself. I feel like loving yourself is

yourself. I feel like loving yourself is like the biggest thing and like the most important thing and I feel like everyone kind of neglects that because it's like

it seems like something that's just not not like unnecessary but we overlook it because like we are you know who we are and we give love to everyone around us

because like that's life you know but I feel like a lot of the times we forget to look internally and the only way that you can give things to people if you

already have it within you. And when I realized that even if like I want to be in a relationship and I want someone and I want to be in love, I'm probably not capable to love someone as best as I can

because I can't even love myself and I don't right now. Um, and so yeah, I feel like as soon as you just work on that selflove, that's when things start being easier

because then you also get out of that mindset where you're like, you don't really need anyone, you know? Um, and

you couldn't be okay with, you know, not having to look, you know, and constantly like think about um, wanting a relationship or like finding that person

to be with and you can just like spend, you know, nights alone without having to cry about it or wish that there was someone with you. Um, but yeah, self

love I feel like is the the key. When I

thought about it, I'm like, "Okay, well, I've been able to do the things that I did, which I never thought I was able to. Like, that's something that I should

to. Like, that's something that I should be proud of. Um, the things that I've gone through, um, that I never thought that I could make it out of and my strength, like that's something that I

should love myself for, um, and just have compassion for myself for. Um, even

just the fact that like at the end of the day, no matter all the things that I've been through and no matter like how bad people have treated me, like the

fact that I'm still a good person and I still have a good heart and I know that, you know, more than anyone else could.

That's the reason why I should love myself, you know. Um, so I feel like it's just like little things and I feel like it's just very important to just like sit down and really just like

analyze yourself and to, you know, just take time to like understand um you, which I feel like is something that I I just learned how to do. But

it's like it's really nice.

You do a burn box on stage where you get fans to write messages and then you burn them.

Mhm.

That is so cool. I love that. That is

the dopest thing I've ever heard of. I

was like, you need to do that at my next show.

Where did that ritual come from? Walk me

through. Did you used to do that yourself? Was that something you

yourself? Was that something you invented for the community? Like what?

Tell me where that came from because I love that. When I I saw that, I was

love that. When I I saw that, I was like, "This is amazing."

Thank you. Um, well, the thing about my music is that it's very it's very deep and meaningful. And I talk a lot about

and meaningful. And I talk a lot about mental health and I know that a lot of the people that come to my shows are there because they have struggled and they relate deeply to my songs. You

know, it's not just um I never want my shows and my tour to just be a show where it's, you know, just me playing, you know, their favorite songs. Like I

want this to be like not like a a therapy session, but like a a healing, you know, moment for everyone. like a bonding moment,

everyone. like a bonding moment, something that's really real, something that they can walk away from and not only just remember the music, but the feeling um that they've gotten from it.

And I also wanted to do something that was interactive and helpful and healing the same way. And I thought that doing a burn box could be cool. And it was also

kind of the easiest thing that we could, you know, execute for my show like at the time. But um I mean like what better

the time. But um I mean like what better like interactive thing to do like on stage than to have you know a bunch of my fans that are coming to the show and

write on a little piece of paper things that they're struggling with they want to let go of get off their chest and just like let you know just not bottle up anymore and just like get off their

chest write it down anonymously put it in this burn box and then watch it being burned on stage you know I feel like that there's something so

powerful about that and um I'm so glad that we did it because it was it was you know most of their like favorite parts of the entire show and it's helped a lot

of people and um I even like I've seen like people in the crowd they like cry before while I'm burning it and it's just like that's what like makes that's what makes my day and that's what

motivates me to you know even do the show and to like do what I'm doing now because like that's the reason why I'm doing it. And it's so pure um and

doing it. And it's so pure um and heartwarming just to see like how something like that, you know, that I thought could be like a little fun like could actually like affect them like on

a deep level. Um but yeah, when I was 16, my dad and I went through a rural separation. He no longer wanted to be a part of my life. And that was

like a big turning point for me because I had to figure out what that meant. And it for a long time that sort of fueled the way I

would work because you end up working to prove to someone that you're worthy of being loved or worthy of being looked after or wanted. And that's that was

like a big moment for me in in general.

And I think that it's sort of like a formative years. I think I was 16 when

formative years. I think I was 16 when it happened. So it really was a turning

it happened. So it really was a turning point and and a seinal moment in my growth that it happened in and it took

time to get over the hill over the hump of that and forgive and let go and be able to do things not for that purpose

but for me had to sort of really do some thinking and working to shift that habit. But I'm very glad I did cuz it

habit. But I'm very glad I did cuz it was it didn't it doesn't sustain you. It

can only last for so long and it and it means that the work you're doing not on purpose but it comes from the wrong place and for a while it worked but then

it didn't. If you're at home and you're

it didn't. If you're at home and you're watching this and you're thinking, "Oh, but I've been doing this and I know it's not sustainable but I but how do I move from that?" Well, you take your time. It

from that?" Well, you take your time. It

will come. And if that's what's um feeding you right now, if that's the way, if that's the thing that gets you up out of bed and gets you energized to move forward, then keep using it. And

when you realize, oh, actually, maybe today I'll do it from a place of I want to cheer someone up. That is as much of that's love as well. So, it's just

taking small decision, changing your mind bit by bit. And don't be so hard on yourself because you've chosen other things to encourage yourself to move

forward and to do well. If you haven't hurt anyone by using the the pain that you've been through, by using the hurt that you've been through, by using the rejection that you've experienced, by

using the shame that you've experienced, and you've managed to transmute all of that into energy that makes you create positive work, well, then you've done something really good because

technically you've given all of those people, all those things energy in the most positive way. When I had broken up with someone, when it was my choice to break up with someone, I saw very

clearly that we weren't growing together anymore and that we weren't right for one another anymore and that us being together would actually be to the

detriment of the both of us. If I'm in something that I'm that I'm miserable in, that I'm not happy in, then the likelihood is that is going to grow

within the relationship that I'm going to continue to be miserable and that person is also going to experience the most miserable version of myself and

that isn't good for anyone because I I'm not fertile ground for happiness if I'm doing that. which means it removes the

doing that. which means it removes the ability for the other person also to be in a relationship that's happy and I would rather remove myself from the situation so that they can go on and

find whoever it is that they're meant to be with because we are we will find the people that we're meant to be with and maybe we're meant to be with someone for a season and then we move on and find the person that we're meant to be with

for life or or maybe we're meant to be with several people for a season and that's what we're meant to do or we're meant to learn from the people that we're with to become the people that

we're supposed to be before we end up in the relationship we're supposed to end up in. And I just knew that I couldn't

up in. And I just knew that I couldn't continue to pretend to be something I wasn't within a relationship that wasn't

it wasn't feeding me in the way I needed it to. And because of that, I knew it

it to. And because of that, I knew it wasn't going to be feeding the other person. I think if you can have your

person. I think if you can have your conversation, have the conversation and and try to end it as amicably as you possibly can.

And if you can't, then I know this sounds really strange, but have the conversation, but just not with that person. Like, what would that

person. Like, what would that conversation in your head be? How would

you have had that conversation? What

would you have said if you had the opportunity to sit in front of someone, say, "Hey, this really hurt my feelings and this is this is where I am with this right now and I'm really finding it hard to deal with or my heart's broken and I

need it to heal." And have those conversations. Write those feelings

conversations. Write those feelings down. The one thing you cannot do is

down. The one thing you cannot do is keep a hold of that and swallow the feeling and never let it out because I think it it grows. It becomes something

else. A heartbreak that isn't shared,

else. A heartbreak that isn't shared, heartbreak that isn't exorcised, I think becomes resentment and becomes sour, you know, cuz heartbreak is a real emotion.

It's actually actually strangely quite a lovely, beautiful emotion. Means you're

alive. If you have a heart to break, it means your heart is beating.

So, it's not a bad emotion. However, if

you harbor it and never let it go and never share it, just like you share love, just like you share happiness and you share joy, then it becomes something else. We don't

uh keep joy to ourselves. We can't. It's

impossible to it sort of comes out of us whether we like it or not. We don't keep love to oursel. We want to give out love. We want to share love because that

love. We want to share love because that only multiplies.

Daddy trauma has emasculated all my common sense. So I'm looking through the

common sense. So I'm looking through the lens of an impending abandonment.

All the voices in my head say I'm not worth the time you spent.

So I search for an escape before you notice your mistake.

And I mean I mean it's just beautiful to even read off the page. Like it's such a the part that struck out to me there was the so I'm looking through the lens of an impending abandonment. I was like

goes back to what you were just saying now that people feel that. Yeah.

People feel really abandoned by themselves too. It's also

themselves too. It's also about feeling abandoned and then taking that into everything you go into.

And so even now sometimes I expect people to leave. So what the way I move, the way I work, I don't trust people

quickly. I am expecting them to go away.

quickly. I am expecting them to go away.

It's sort of like I if I can set myself up to know that I'm going to be abandoned, then I can't be hurt when it happens. Yes.

happens. Yes.

Right.

Yeah.

And so what I've had to do over time is start to trust people and to not t everything with a brush of abandonment.

If a person has to leave, a person has to leave. That's okay. They're not

to leave. That's okay. They're not

abandoning. They're simply leaving, you know. And and that isn't to say that the

know. And and that isn't to say that the experience of feeling abandoned isn't real, but it is al also to say that that

experience of abandonment isn't always what happens. And for a really long

what happens. And for a really long time, I couldn't tell the difference.

And so every time a friend left or I broke up with a person or a relationship didn't quite work, I it felt like a a massive

uh moment of abandonment. It felt like the the floor was taken out from underneath me. And it's it taken a long

underneath me. And it's it taken a long time to get to a point where I can trust that that's not the case. And so what that would do is stop me from

saying how I really felt in a situation cuz I didn't want them to go away.

Yeah. Wow.

You know, like if I'm if I'm not happy with something, then I wouldn't say cuz I don't want them to have a reason to leave.

Mhm.

You know, or if I didn't want something, then I wouldn't say I didn't I don't want something cuz I was afraid that they would leave. Right. Uh, and

unfortunately that leads sometimes to really dangerous situations because you don't speak up.

The number one marriage killer is disconnection. I think we fall in love

disconnection. I think we fall in love incredibly fast and we fall out of love and we fall into

those big marriage killers much more slowly or or really kind of the way that people go bankrupt very slowly and then all at once,

you know, and and by the time you've gone over that cliff, I actually think it it may be too late to do something about it, which is why I'm very big on the idea of like preventative

maintenance and not getting to that place.

But I think disconnection from your partner, from yourself, from your true self. You know, I think I've been

self. You know, I think I've been representing people in court for 25 years in divorces. And I think the most dangerous lies we tell are the ones we

tell oursel about what's making us happy, what's not, what's important to us and what isn't, how we've changed and how we've stayed the same, how our

partner has changed and how we feel about it. We lie to ourselves about

about it. We lie to ourselves about those things so that we can sort of navigate a comfortable day-to-day reality. But long term, I think that is

reality. But long term, I think that is a very, very dangerous thing. So I would say disconnection from yourself and from

your partner. I would also say that the

your partner. I would also say that the biggest marriage killer is is we stop seeing our partner and we stop making

them feel seen because I think we become blind to the things we see most often. You know,

whoever discovered water, it wasn't a fish. You know, like I have a couch that

fish. You know, like I have a couch that I've had for I think probably 20 years.

I couldn't tell you what color it is because I sit on it every day at some point, but I've just become blind to it because it's just there. It's the couch.

It's always there.

When you go to get a divorce, that's the point. It's like

point. It's like when you go to get a divorce, it's usually I've got a halo, they've got horns, of course.

Let's get after it, you know.

Yeah, of course. Cuz you want to get someone on side and then you Yeah. I have similar in I mean I coach people and couples and work with people and like you said people people lie to their

kind of therapist coaches in that lane and that's for sure cuz someone will come to me and said they have their heart broken and then as time goes on they'll send me emails that the other person sent them and the emails

actually seem really thoughtful and comprehensive and like very uh emotionally intelligent and articulate and you're like wait a minute like what happened you told me that this person was the

devil and now I'm reading their emails cuz you had to share them with me because of some context.

That's why I said I think the most dangerous lies are the ones you tell yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you need them for survival.

You don't even know sometimes you don't even know that you're lying. Like you

just, you know, you're just so caught in your view of the thing and we hold on to that so tight, you know, like cuz it again I feel like if if if we can acknowledge that we're a mystery to

oursel, you know, that that that feels powerless and frightening. I mean, so much of what we do wrong, we do for a feeling of control that we don't actually have.

Yes. Yes.

I think that might be the secret is to like learn how to find, you know, there's a there's an axiom um that if you don't learn how to find joy in the

snow, you'll have less joy in your life and precisely the same amount of snow.

Yeah. I would also commit to or pledge to to hear the things that we say to each other as coming from a place of love and

connection.

You know, even when we say something the other person might not want to hear that it's coming from a desire to protect the

bond. So I would say that is a very

bond. So I would say that is a very worthwhile and worthy pursuit to say look we we've we've decided we want this particular

permutation of relationship. You know

love is is loaned. It's not permanently gifted.

Mhm.

And so if we want to protect and preserve it, I think saying to each other that we we have to have this unflinching ability to kind of hit send

now, like say to the person like, "Hey, you know, this this thing's little and I never want it to get big." But then you also have to be willing to hear that as

coming from a place not of you're doing it wrong, but from a place of I want this to stay

wonderful. By the time people are in my

wonderful. By the time people are in my office, it's so far down that road that it's I think quite hard to find your way back.

Right. So I I think um when you've reached the point in a relationship where you have made real good faith

efforts to identify and address the distance and that has been wholly unsuccessful

and the other person is not committed.

maybe not in the same level of commitment as you but not committed at all because identifying that there is a problem is the first piece. So if the other person is saying no, there's no

problem. I think there comes a point

problem. I think there comes a point where again sometimes happily ever after means happily ever after separately.

And I I'm a believer in divorce. I I not I mean of course I'm as a divorce lawyer, I have a self-interest in saying that. But even in my own life, I I

that. But even in my own life, I I divorced 20 years ago. And my ex-wife is very dear to me. She's a she's still a dear friend. her. She's been remarried

dear friend. her. She's been remarried for 15 years very successfully, much longer than we were ever married to a to a wonderful guy. I just got to spend a lot of time with them at my son's

wedding and we had a lot of laughs and a lot of shared time and space together and this these two boys who we both love so much. And um I think that was an

so much. And um I think that was an example of you know when when I when my ex-wife and I 20 years ago when

we decided we were going to divorce we had a very difficult and honest conversation at the kitchen table and our kids were I think three and four

three and five at the time and uh we loved them more than anything and I remember she said to me after we'd had this very tearary very difficult whole conversation where we were both really

honest with each other about how deeply unfulfilled we felt and how much we loved each other but that there's a lot of people that you love that you might

not be well married to.

And I remember she said to me, "If sheer power of will could make two people love each other, we would love each other forever."

forever." I remember thinking it was so honest and so true that sometimes love just the feeling of love is not

enough to sustain this very particular kind of connection two people are going to have. If this

clip brought you value and you'd like to watch something else, this next video has been chosen especially for you based on your viewing behaviors. I hope you enjoy it and if you do, please subscribe

to the channel so we can keep bringing you fantastic conversations.