THE GREAT HAMSTER MASSACRE | Matt Rife Crowd Work

My daughter has had four hamsters.

>> Your daughter's had four hamsters. Okay,

>> this story is already going to be white

trash. I can tell this is

>> every single one of them have died and

she's only it's been 6 months.

>> Your daughter has had four hamsters in 6

months and they've all died.

>> Yes.

>> Okay. Yeah. Hamsters, they'reing they're

fragile, you know.

>> Do you want to hear you want to hear a

bad story about being a hamster? Ah, I

was like I was like nine and uh my

friend Brendan was having a birthday

party and he had just got this hamster.

His name was Dexter. Great name. And he

was in his little ball roll around the

party and he took Dexter out of the ball

and he was letting everybody hold him. I

was the last person to get to hold him.

So as I'm the last person to get to hold

him, Brendan and all the rest of the

friends like they went out like to the

yard to play. So, I'm there with Dexter

and he's like just in my hand and I'm

and I'm being like, "Oh,

but then I he was so light

that I

that slowly I was like

>> and there was a ceiling fan."

And on the last whoopsy day, it

straight into the [ __ ] wall.

I was so traumatized. I put him back in

the ball.

I didn't tell Brendan till I was like 22

years old.

I was like, "Yeah, theying." That's what

rats do. They die. You know, I don't

Maybe he's not a purebred. I don't know.

I kept that secret for like 13 years,

man.

It wasn't on purpose. He was so [ __ ] He

was so light and throwable.

H Yeah, I felt pretty bad about it.

Still do.

>> Still feel pretty bad about it. So tell

your tell your daughter it happens. You

know, I need to kill four of them.

Murderer

>> and she doesn't know how they died.

>> You have any suspicions?

>> What do you think happened?

>> She just didn't feed them.

>> Didn't feed them.

That's uh that'll do it. And they don't

even take much.

>> You can just put a little piece of

broccoli in there.

>> Oh yeah, that's bad. Don't Does she have

a pet currently?

>> Yes. Two cats and a dog.

>> Two cats and a dog. Go get them right

now.

>> Those animals are not safe at all. She's

probably feeding them the hamsters.

>> True story. Okay. What happens is all of

these hamsters have died. She told me to

bury them and I just said, "Okay." and I

just won them over the fence.

>> You're a monster.

Her daughter said, "Will you bury the

hamsters?" And instead, she [ __ ]

flung them over the fence.

That's terrible.

The fact that you're in the backyard

just like Kareem

just tossing them. God, do you at least

put on Creed or something? Will you take

me higher?

[Applause]

That's one of the worst things I've ever

heard. That's so much worse than what I

did.

This is This is what's great about life,

man. You The more you The more you meet

new people, the more you go, I'm not

even that bad of a person.

Thank God. Yeah. I think you might be

worse than your daughter.

She at least wanted like a a a proper

burial.

>> No, but the funny part was there cat.

>> The cat went and retrieved

the hamsters.

[Applause]

>> Amen. Pray for these hamsters.

What?

>> I have another hamster.

>> You have another hamster story.

>> Okay. What is it? I don't know. How much

worse can it get?

>> My youngest daughter when she was 10,

the hamster was downstairs.

>> When your youngest daughter was 10,

hamster was downstairs.

>> And the hamster was dying.

>> Hamster was dying. How did you know it

was dying?

>> What are the signs?

>> It wasn't moving at all. It just like

laying there.

>> It was just kind of laying there. that

husband started giving it CPR.

>> You gave the You gave the hamster CPR?

>> Oh, that's cute.

>> Yeah.

>> You just let it die.

>> Okay. That's not worse than chucking him

over a fence. That's just if your if

your husband had turned the hamster into

a tater tot

and squished it, that would have been

horrendous. Wish you to see You can

drown it.

>> You drowned a hamster. What is wrong

with you people, man? I thought a couple

people were going to be like, you know,

I I stole some candy from a store or

something. There's murderers in this

building.

Why' you drown a hamster?

>> Wasn't a hamster. It was a guinea pig.

>> A guinea pig. Okay, that's a [ __ ] Just

a fat hamster.

>> But why did it drown?

>> I drowned. you.

I'm going to need you to be less

confident.

Why did you brown it?

>> Buttercup was sick.

>> Did you take it to a vet?

>> No.

Straight to

>> This is the worst show.

I mean, where what did you drown it in?

It's in the toilet.

>> The in the faucet. You didn't You didn't

even like put it under what? You [ __ ]

waterboarded it.

>> That's even worse.

Even military people. Like that's the

worst form of torture you could do to

somebody. You did it to a guinea pig.

>> Uh, how long did it take?

>> How long?

>> 30 seconds.

>> 30 seconds.

>> She was sent. How do you know she was

sick?

>> When you find her in the cage like this,

>> when she's in the cage like this, you

mean sunbathing.

>> God, one minute you're [ __ ] catching

some rays and the next moment you're

Doesn't sound sick at all. Sounds comfy.

I am shutting down the the local

PetSmart. Whatever it is, you people are

not allowed to have any more pets.

>> I agree.

>> Okay.

>> My kids still don't know this.

>> Your kids still don't know that their

mom's out there telling it like a bar

war story. You know, I drown a guinea

thing

>> and I'd do it again.

>> Can I make it worse?

>> Can you make it worse?

>> How? the span of a year. When I was in

sixth grade, my parents went through 10

hamsters. Me and my older brother got

double from a local pet store, but every

single pair would murder each other in

the cave. So, they come home to one

survivor and have to go back to the pet

store to get a replica of the one that

was murdered.

>> Okay? So, all over the course of a year,

her parents would buy her and her

brother hamsters. But every single time

that they had two of them in the same

cage, they come home from school and

these hamsters [ __ ] fought each other

to the death. So by the time they got

home from school, their parents had to

go buy a replica hamster and replace it

and then that one had to go fight for

its life.

What? Now let me ask you this. Was there

one hamster who lived through all this?

Like was there oneing champion?

>> Her name was Bella. She was like this.

>> Bella, your hamster killed all the other

ones. Okay, hold on. I'm very curious.

>> Hey Siri, are hamster fighting rings

illegal in Rhode Island.

Animal fight laws. Let's see.

Cuz if there's not one, we're starting.

I didn't even know hamsters got down

like that.

>> They really They really fight like that.

>> Yeah.

>> Dog fight. Yeah, I don't see anything

about in here about hamster fighting.

did that.

>> I said we start

>> get him in a Beyblade arena.

And that's how they start all loopy. You

[ __ ] Hey,

I'm going send you guys an address.

Don't ask any questions and come dressed

up. This is this is a classy event. All

right. We're going to treat it like the

Kentucky Derby. Okay.

I just want to go on record and say I'm

sorry for all the losses

in the room tonight. I gota be honest,

this show went nothing like I wanted it

to.

This has been

Don't clap. This is a funeral.

>> All right. Well,

let's unless anybody has another gift.

>> I didn't like that challenge.

What?

>> If I'm not eating brownies from this

crowd, you think I'm taking drugs?

Not you. You hold on to that. I

appreciate the offer. Officer,

what a undercover cop thing to do. Got

you a whole bag of weed, brother.

Night's good reefer, too.

You raising your hand.

>> This is our third show we did this year.

Can you help me please have a picture

with you?

>> This is your third show. Can you have a

picture with me?

>> CB started. Listen,

>> I'm going to take a photo with them.

>> Only them. Let me see your phone. Let me

see it.

>> Third show this year. I appreciate that.

Thank you. No, I'll take it. Don't even

touch it. It's sticking.

And they're waiting. Got your phone. All

right. So, now let's see. All right.

Photo albums. Let's see what's in here.

>> Whoa.

That hamster is huge.

>> You have Snapchat?

>> I wouldn't dare open that.

I'll go blind. There's no way. Oh, what

what a fun apps you got. You got a

Kindle. It's pretty gay.

You got the Chick-fil-A app. It's not

very gay.

>> Fig.

>> I'm gluten free and dairy free.

>> You're gluten free and dairy free, but

you can have dick.

You got your your hand your tolerance is

all over the place.

You have a nut allergy.

Credit Karma.

>> Uh, [ __ ] It's It's It's a facial

recognition.

[Laughter]

>> All right. Get in here.

>> There we go.

There you go.

[Applause]