the social playbook for smart women

I truly believe that if you want to level up, get emotionally intelligent, and just become a more confident woman, you have to use your insane pattern recognition and study psychology and

human behavior. Hi, muses. Welcome back

human behavior. Hi, muses. Welcome back

to my channel, where we talk about how women can have their cake and eat [music] it, too. I'm your host, Naen, and I'm here to rebuild the village women once had so we can have the right conversations and [music] create lives that feel as good as it looks. Please

like, subscribe, and turn on the notification bell so [music] you don't miss anything. The older I get, the more

miss anything. The older I get, the more I think being emotionally intelligent is a superpower. And I'm not talking about

a superpower. And I'm not talking about how in dating you want a guy who's emotionally intelligent, meaning he just understands and can process emotions.

I'm talking about the type of emotional intelligence where you can read people fast, you can anticipate their incentives, you can control the frame, and you're always three moves ahead.

You're strategically playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.

People like Annaise Keading from How to Get Away with Murder, Harvey Spectre in Suits, Olivia Pope in Scandal, or Frank Underwood in House of Cards. These

people have to understand human behavior so well to do what they do and quite frankly get what they want. Psychology

and human behavior itself isn't bad.

It's just how you use it that changes the context. So, if you use it for good,

the context. So, if you use it for good, which I hope you do, a lot of what we talk about today can really help improve your social intelligence and just how to deal with people better. I've definitely

noticed that it's helped me become less reactive because I understand motivations more and I can read better between the lines, so to speak. So, here

are a few psychology rules that completely changed how I navigate relationships, work, and honestly, just existing around other humans. As always,

we don't gatekeep. So, let's step into it. Number one, never make others feel

it. Number one, never make others feel threatened if your goal is to make friends and be likable. And this has nothing to do with your people pleasing tendencies. Okay? Whenever you are in a

tendencies. Okay? Whenever you are in a new unfamiliar environment, the smartest thing you can do is to gather up some allies, make some new friends, and get some information. You're not going to be

some information. You're not going to be able to do that when you come in stepping on everyone else's toes. This

first one hit me like a truck when I started working in tech. I was fresh and green out of college, and I treated the workplace exactly how I treated school, competitive. I wanted to be the top

competitive. I wanted to be the top performer, the high achiever, to show everyone how smart and great I was because I thought the higherups would be impressed and my co-workers would be impressed. Absolutely not. They all put

impressed. Absolutely not. They all put their guards up around me. They stopped

offering to help. They stopped wanting to work together. They became super cautious around me and they started judging me from a distance. Okay,

they'll be watching your every move like a hawk. Almost like they're waiting for

a hawk. Almost like they're waiting for you to mess up. And since I showed everyone that I was so capable, I ended up with a lot of work on my plate. So, I

had to learn how to strategically pace what I reveal to people, especially when it comes to how much I know or how much I can do. And I always stay warm and friendly because that lowers people's

defensiveness. And so, they tend to talk

defensiveness. And so, they tend to talk more and they share more information and they offer to help. Of course, you can be brilliant not saying to dumb yourself down, just don't make other people feel

stupid in the process. Number two,

strategic visibility. Knowing how to make people feel good or how to let people shine and how to lift people up to be the main character is a skill not a lot of people have, but probably one

of the best social skills you can possess. I actually learned this from

possess. I actually learned this from observing my Chinese business friends and watching how they navigate a lot of their business dinners. And I see this in my daily life too, but especially in

relationships. We love a man who doesn't

relationships. We love a man who doesn't try to overshadow his girl, who is supportive, who lets her shine. But you

know what makes her great? And I see this in my aunties who are happily married and well-loved and my girlfriends who are in great relationships. These women know when to

relationships. These women know when to let their man shine. She knows when it comes to his holiday party. She takes a backseat and that's his playing field.

She knows when the guys get together and bring their wives and girlfriends.

That's her man's time to be the main character. I have met some women who

character. I have met some women who like to undermine or put down their boyfriends in public, and I've seen how that erodess relationships. Not

everything is about you all the time, and you'll realize the same for friendships. The girls who are really

friendships. The girls who are really well-liked and have great friendships know when to put their girlfriends on.

So, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is to step back and let someone else have their moment. And

you'll be so surprised how much goodwill this creates. Number three, your

this creates. Number three, your reputation is your currency. This one I definitely suffer the consequences of.

My mom has always told me that it's really important who you're friends with, and even more important, who you date, but 20-year-old Naen did not give a flying F in the world. I just wanted

to be friends with whoever I thought had my back, was cool, partied hard, and we had fun together. Okay, very bro attitude. And I'm sure a lot of you

attitude. And I'm sure a lot of you girls had that phase, too. But you know what happens when you're really close to someone? It's super easy to start

someone? It's super easy to start ignoring some of the bad qualities about them even though everyone else sees it.

And because you are associated with them, you by default get treated like a unit. I had a girlfriend who was so fun

unit. I had a girlfriend who was so fun to be around, is such a smart cookie that I met when I was in college. Go

Bears. But every time we went out, she was a very, very messy drunk. This was

circa 2010s, okay? When people actually went out clubbing and partying. So, I

would always invite her to come out with all my other friends. And I mean, most nights ended with a group always having to babysit her. And eventually, my other friends stopped inviting me out. And

right when the pandemic started, I reconnected with that group of girls because everyone was just online at home chatting with everyone else. And they

told me it was because they didn't like being around her. And I get it because eventually I couldn't deal with how she couldn't handle her alcohol either. So,

we stopped hanging out, too. But the

damage to my personal image and how my other friends thought of me was already done. Your reputation follows you

done. Your reputation follows you everywhere, and I mean everywhere. So,

choose your associations wisely. Number

four, listening more than you speak.

This is something I feel like I only really started to understand in the past 1 or two years. I've always heard people say, "Be a good listener." And since I'm pretty quiet and shy in person, being a

good listener is all I've ever really known. Or so I thought. But that's not

known. Or so I thought. But that's not what this means. Being a good listener means you're hearing what people are saying between the lines. You're

understanding the emotions behind what they're saying. You're responding to

they're saying. You're responding to their actual desires. You're also taking this opportunity to really understand who they are as a person. I used to think all you needed to do was to sit

there and agree along. But I always had nothing to say back or I just wasn't interested in what they were saying until I realized it's about whether or not you want to get to know this person

or try to get to know this person by understanding why they care about what they're talking about. Like people who talk about work and the weather, they just want an in to start a conversation

with you. People who talk about sports

with you. People who talk about sports or hobbies, they are trying to find a common interest with you. People who

share about their relationship problems, they want to feel validated and understood by you. People who complain, they're crying out about how unhappy they are with their lives and they want someone to see them. People always tell

on themselves and the more they feel comfortable talking about themselves in front of you, the more they grow to trust you. And when you master this

trust you. And when you master this comprehension/ listening skill, you'll be shocked at what people reveal to you.

Their fears, their motivations, their plans, their deepest desires.

Information is power and listening is how you get it. Number five, knowing when to pull back. I don't know if this just comes with experience, but you get to a certain age where you just don't

overthink as much anymore and you don't tolerate as much either, which means you have less of a threshold for dealing with other people's BS. And it's

probably because our frontal loes finally fully develop or we've just been through so much that we could care less.

But for me, it almost felt like a sudden realization that sometimes what you don't say is louder than what is said.

If a friend is too much, you create some distance. If a man is being inconsistent

distance. If a man is being inconsistent or confusing, you pull back your attention. If work is undervaluing you,

attention. If work is undervaluing you, you set boundaries and balance out your work from home time to do house chores.

People notice the absence of your energy and will correct their behavior faster than trying to get them to understand with whatever words you're using. It's

such an annoying part of human nature that people don't know how to appreciate or value something or someone until it's gone. So knowing when to step back is

gone. So knowing when to step back is pretty much capitalizing on the power of absence. You don't need to give them a

absence. You don't need to give them a long-winded explanation. And you don't

long-winded explanation. And you don't need to prove to anyone that you're right. And you don't need to do all of

right. And you don't need to do all of these things just to get them to understand when they are committed to misunderstanding you. Sometimes all you

misunderstanding you. Sometimes all you need to do is to remove access to you.

Your absence can be so much more powerful than your presence, so use it strategically. I hope that this episode

strategically. I hope that this episode was able to give you some insight into how understanding human psychology and behaviors can give you a leg up in life.

And furthermore, understanding how your brain works helps you become more self-aware. And when you're more

self-aware. And when you're more self-aware, you know exactly what you need to do to level up. And that's

exactly what I did when I was working on getting more confident. So, I hope that this will do it for you, too. Because

becoming a refined woman includes upgrading your mind. Yes, it is fun and all, but it's also for leverage. You

learn how people work so you can move through rooms strategically, read energy faster, and make better decisions and love money and friendships. That's all

the cake I have for you today. Thank

[music] you so much for watching until the end. I appreciate it so much. And if

the end. I appreciate it so much. And if

you enjoyed our little chat [music] today, please like, subscribe, and leave a comment to share your thoughts. And

I'll see you in the next episode.