The Thoughts of a 22 Year Old Woman-Hunny

I'm just me, you know. No, it's not a contest. It's not a trauma contest. It's

contest. It's not a trauma contest. It's

just I find people interesting. Anybody?

Anybody? Some people are more interesting than others, but yeah, I'm like on the less interesting scale.

Okay, we'll find out. Uh, where are you from? Where'd you grow up? I'm born and

from? Where'd you grow up? I'm born and raised Los Angeles. Oh, your your parents are what? My dad is Korean. Um,

my mom was raised Korean, but I found out she has a little bit of Japanese lineage in her. So, I'm Japanese, Korean, Mongolian, all that. Interesting mix.

Really? It's like war blood. It's just it's just all parts of

blood. It's just it's just all parts of Asia. I feel like I am, but mostly

Asia. I feel like I am, but mostly Korean. I identify with Korean. I grew

Korean. I identify with Korean. I grew

up Korean. I speak Korean. How is

Korean How is a Korean upbringing different than a Japanese or a Chinese upbringing? I wouldn't know cuz I didn't

upbringing? I wouldn't know cuz I didn't have a Japanese or Chinese upbringing.

Do you have Do you have friends who are But by comparison, I think it's just um I always talk about K rage. Have you

heard of it? No. K rage is a is Korean rage. And I feel like in my opinion and

rage. And I feel like in my opinion and in my experience, Korean people, especially Korean-Americans, have the most rage and the angst of the three and

a lot of like repressed just repressed anger. Um, so like if you see a Korean man drinking alcohol, like eight times out of 10, he'll get angry

at some point. It's just really interesting. And what are what are they

interesting. And what are what are they angry at? I don't know. It's always

angry at? I don't know. It's always

something. It's always something. It's I

think it stems from like a lot of repression. Um my dad was an alcoholic

repression. Um my dad was an alcoholic growing up. Well, I mean I Koreans

growing up. Well, I mean I Koreans Korean families have a reputation as being hard on their kids to excel. Mhm.

Yeah. Did you encounter that? Yeah. My

dad always calls himself the black sheep. And so I think I identified with

sheep. And so I think I identified with him cuz he was my superhero growing up.

Um, I'm the only one in my immediate family that is like an artist or has, you know, I dropped out of high school.

It's hard being an artist in a family where you're supposed to excel. Yeah.

Everyone else is a lawyer or a doctor or works at Honeywell or, you know, and I'm I'm an artist like to the bone and it's

not like I'm like in one medium. It's my

it's my thing. It's more just so I I experience the world in so much more of a sensitive way that I feel like my

family members can't relate to except for my dad which is why he deals with his addiction and alcohol because he I think he just isn't able to handle

everything that he's experiencing and so visceral for him that he falls into that. Yeah, I would think being an

that. Yeah, I would think being an artist in in a family of Koreans or Asians would be difficult. Yeah. My my

grandmother, who's basically my mom though, and she raised me, she's very very accepting and she's been the staple in my life that has encouraged me and

allowed me to express myself. She like

admissed my very volatile childhood. She

let me go to ballet classes, like take painting classes, take opera singing.

Like she put me in those environments because she said that I see something in you and you need an outlet. And if you don't have an outlet, you'll go crazy.

And she's right. She's right. She's

always right. Was your mom in your life?

No. So my mom uh left when I was two. I didn't find out till recently that when she left to

Korea, back to Korea, that my dad and my grandmother had begged her to take me with her because she just wanted nothing to do with it. Um, her story and her

experience, I still have no idea what it is. I don't know what was going through

is. I don't know what was going through her mind, but I know she was around 21.

She was young and she had me and she was with my very volatile alcoholic father.

So she probably just had to leave and she took me with her. My grandmother,

who is like very fiery, she's a tiger Asian grandmother, would make sure that I would call my preschool in Korea, make sure that I'd get there, was sending money for vitamins. And they they told

her the school told her that I would come to school with like cigarette burns on my head and I wasn't doing so well.

And my grandmother tells me that I called her at two, which I don't have any recollection of, but I called her. A

two-year-old called. Yeah. And I was like, "Really?" And she swears by it.

like, "Really?" And she swears by it.

She's like, "You called me and you told me that you need to leave and for me to come and get you." So, she hopped on the next flight over and got me. And I grew up in LA ever since. Interesting. I

don't know about that, but I don't know about that. But she said she swears by

about that. But she said she swears by it. And my father swears by it too,

it. And my father swears by it too, which is interesting because he maybe you were wouldn't lie. Able to do that at two years old. Maybe I remember

having an awful time. I remember Do you remember your mom at all? No. So that's

been difficult to process something and grow up with an identity, a part of your identity, which is like basically abandonment without remembering it. You

told me in your email that you related to Ella's story. Yes. who's another

Asian young lady who I interviewed recently. I saw her video. I watch all

recently. I saw her video. I watch all your newest videos as they come out and I saw her video. I was very, very impressed with how she is able to articulate her experiences and it's a

girl that looks like me, you know, and is my age. And I was like, I did not think that I could ever meet you or be here, but I was like, yeah, might as well. Here you are. You guys are both

well. Here you are. You guys are both amazing. Yeah, she's incredible. Yeah,

amazing. Yeah, she's incredible. Yeah,

she is. I love her.

Um but yeah. So how how would you describe your childhood with your grandmother and your dad? Is that right?

Yes. So it was very uh my grandmother told me that I cried a lot as a kid. I was a chronic crier and I can only imagine I'm just now starting

to process the fact that psychologically at at such a young age if you're abandoned or you feel like you've been separated from your mother like what

that can do to a child. I always brushed it off. I always said, "I'm thankful.

it off. I always said, "I'm thankful.

I've got, you know, I never even really thought about the fact that I didn't have a mom because I had a mom times a thousand." But it does affect you. And

thousand." But it does affect you. And

my childhood was, you know, on all spectrums. I was I was in one on one spectrum very very

privileged and very spoiled by my father materialistically but emotionally I was um shut off and neglected and he was a

very violent drunk. So, he was the best father. When he was sober, he was always

father. When he was sober, he was always there. But when he's drunk, he's

there. But when he's drunk, he's violent. And I just my core memories of

violent. And I just my core memories of childhood are just like watching, you know, TVs getting thrown to the ground and and very regularly we'd have to

replace the furniture cuz it was always a mess. Is he better now?

a mess. Is he better now?

I think he's just worn out, you know? I

don't think there is I don't think it's in his life contract to heal. I think

it's his life contract is to feel the depths of of loss and anger and sadness.

What do you think your dad is sad about or angry about?

He always brings it back to his father's death when he was 15. So my dad m im immigrated here when he was 15. Um he

went to Guam first from Korea, then immigrated here. And his dad was like a

immigrated here. And his dad was like a military general. My dad being the

military general. My dad being the youngest of three sons was, you know, sensitive. He's sensitive and spoiled.

sensitive. He's sensitive and spoiled.

And so his dad died in a hit and run right off Wilshire here. And my dad always brings it back to that when he whenever he's drunk. He's like, he

promised me we'd go to the movies that day. like he promised me we would we

day. like he promised me we would we would do something that day and and then he just disappeared. So I think that kind of abrupt loss at that age stunted

him. So he he kind of has a victim

him. So he he kind of has a victim mentality very much so. Do you have the same thing having your mom taken away?

Do I have a vict victim mentality about it? No, I think I should. No, you

it? No, I think I should. No, you

shouldn't. I think I should. Your

grandmother did a good job, huh? She did

amazing. I think. But that's the thing is this whole time I've been saying she did amazing. That's what I was telling

did amazing. That's what I was telling Ella is that you had you had a mom that you had probably had two moms at some point, right? That were doing their

point, right? That were doing their their job. And you're lucky to like

their job. And you're lucky to like you're probably better off being raised in Dallas than than in China. Right.

Right. I'm so thankful. But there is that I didn't leave space to grieve. I

didn't give myself space to feel that loss because because you're either going you're gonna be whoever you perceive yourself to be. And if you see yourself as a victim, then you'll find relationships that'll make you a victim.

You'll find careers that'll make you a victim. You'll find a life that will

victim. You'll find a life that will make you a victim. Well, I always try to affirm myself. I always say life is

affirm myself. I always say life is happening for me, not to me. I always

try to say, "Look at you. You're you're

beautiful. You're smart. You're

articulate. You're you're you have everything going for you." Yeah. And if

it'd be a shame if you saw yourself as a victim. I think when you have that um

victim. I think when you have that um it's like a slow rumbling in the back of your head at all times that like you will be abandoned is what that rumbling

is saying. So when you have that it's

is saying. So when you have that it's not less so it's not I should victimize myself. It's more so I've got to address

myself. It's more so I've got to address what happened. You know I've got to

what happened. You know I've got to address that loss because I've just been kind of like brushing over it. Oh it's

fine. I don't need a mom. I have my grandma. I'm super thankful. I've had

grandma. I'm super thankful. I've had

everything I ever needed. But I'm just now very recently started processing how how difficult my childhood was and how violent it was and

how that could have affected me. I've

just been completely ignoring it. Are

you How old are you? You're 20. I'm 22.

22. Are you doing work on whatever you might be dealing with? Yeah. So, I just recently discovered this guy called Tim Fletcher and he's a psychologist, but I've I've gone to therapy and I've even

gone to AA because I deal with a lot of like substance abuse, but none of it really works for me because you're addressing the symptoms. Everyone's addressing the symptoms. Everyone's

diagnosing and then addressing the symptoms. Nobody is addressing the root.

Nobody's saying, "Hey, why are you like this? Let's go back to that. Let's

this? Let's go back to that. Let's

address that. What did that do to you?

How did your past affect you? Not

influence who you are, but just affect it. And so Tim Fletcher is a

it. And so Tim Fletcher is a psychologist that I really, really love.

He's humble and he addresses the root of it. Yeah, that's the key. And he says

it. Yeah, that's the key. And he says things that I'm like, are you in my brain? How did you even how did you even

brain? How did you even how did you even know that that's something I'm going through? I feel much less alone because

through? I feel much less alone because he he is so on point. Um, just like I went to see three therapists recently and they all were like, "You have BPD,

you have borderline personality disorder." And I'm like, "Okay." And

disorder." And I'm like, "Okay." And

that's just a label. That's just a set of symptoms that can be applied to so many other, you know, diagnoses. Like,

I'm not attached to the label. I'm

attached to how those symptoms affect me and why they're there in the first place. And Tim Tim's a great guy for

place. And Tim Tim's a great guy for that.

You speak to him in person or No, I just watch all of his videos. Oh, I see.

Okay. Yeah. And do you have behaviors that are consistent with BPD, right?

Yeah. So, I think there's like a list of 10 symptoms, which again is under an umbrella of like these symptoms can be applied to a lot of different a lot of different things. So, I take it with a

different things. So, I take it with a grain of salt, but yeah, like a huge sense of abandonment, fear of abandonment, um unstable relationships, volatility emotionally,

just in either like intense anger or just completely shutting off. So, I've

been dealing with a lot of like rage ever since I hit puberty. And I never knew why. I always just said it said

knew why. I always just said it said that I watched my dad be really angry as a drunk, and so that's why I am the way I am. But it's deeper than that cuz rage

I am. But it's deeper than that cuz rage is really just fear. So intense

fear into intense anger. And that always came out in my personal relationships with like my partners. Never anywhere

else. Just with my partners because then you're really vulnerable and you all your buttons get pushed with us. Yeah.

Yeah. So, but what I've what I've learned or not that I've had relationships with people with borderline, but the people I've known and even some I've interviewed, it seems

like Yeah. So, so there are some

like Yeah. So, so there are some negative aspects to this, but there's also, as with everything, there are positive aspects to it where you you feel things much more deeply than

others. You you love much more deeply

others. You you love much more deeply than others. you right you seem

than others. you right you seem to like when you listen to music you feel it probably on a deeper level than others do. Yeah. Things like that which

others do. Yeah. Things like that which is a gift. I think Sylvia Pla said if I feel nothing I feel it completely. And

so I've always resonated with that quote cuz I'll feel nothing or I'll feel everything. I'm just feeling it so

everything. I'm just feeling it so viscerally and it feels unfair. Like it

really just just feels so unfair. Like I

feel like I look around on the street and I look at people going about their day and I feel like they're so content because they're not feeling as much,

right? Ignorance really is bliss. I

right? Ignorance really is bliss. I

don't actually I think I think uh Ella said if I would if I could rather feel everything and be super miserable and depressed or not feel it at all and just

be ignorant, I'd rather choose misery.

And I think I resonate with that. Except

I'm at a place in life where I've done the work and I don't think it's just misery. I think it's just a spectrum of

misery. I think it's just a spectrum of all the human emotions and I'm here for it, but it's been hard. You have a good attitude about this. Yeah, it's taken

work. What What is your

work. What What is your art form? So that's why I said I'm not

art form? So that's why I said I'm not conf like I don't really confine myself to one medium. I I'm I left home when I was like 16. So, ever since then, I've

been just trying to either take space from my family and heal, and I haven't really manifested myself externally. So,

I paint and I sing and I dance and um I express myself mostly through movement, but I'm ready to manifest myself externally. I'm ready to to be

externally. I'm ready to to be vulnerable with the world now. Now that

I've just been in my little hole and and trying to process everything that happened, I'm like, "Okay, that's why I'm moving to New York because I'm ready to be out into the world." Oh, you're

moving to New York City? Yeah. Oh,

that's exciting. Yeah. I'm born and raised here, so I'm kind of over it.

You've been there to visit, right? Yeah.

I've been there for like five, six months at a time every year for the past four years and Oh, really? I'm always so much happier there. Yeah. That's great.

That means it's the place for you. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you like about New York City? There's a real sense of community.

City? There's a real sense of community.

there's a there's a camaraderie around people and and you know with gentrification and all everything gets ruined some way or another but I feel

like especially back in the day in New York there was if you felt like an outsider you'd go to New York and I really like that. I I think I said in my

email that I would drive around Skid Row at like 17 when I first got my car cuz I would see stray pets. It wasn't even the the homeless people. It was the the pets

that they had that I was like, they didn't choose that life. Like, they

don't deserve to be living that life.

So, I would go to Petco and use my last p entire paycheck on like pet food and pet supplies and go to Skidro by myself in like my mini skirt and open my trunk

up and, you know, have some spare socks for everyone, too. and I made a lot of friends, but I always felt more like I could resonate with the, you

know, the lower class of society than the rest of the world back at back in when I was younger. And I always felt like, you know, of course I have to help. Like that was my thought process

help. Like that was my thought process was like this is I have to do this. But

looking back, like it's not normal that I did that. Was that a selfworth thing that was going on in you or is it just that you were just a kind

person or is it both? I have no idea. I

didn't tell anyone I did it though because I didn't want it to be like I didn't want to seem like hey look I'm helping the needy. Like I didn't want to

do that. I just I just wanted to do it.

do that. I just I just wanted to do it.

So, I don't really know, but I did, you know, at that time I didn't really have a sense. If you're advertising that

a sense. If you're advertising that you're doing it now, then you're Well, if you're just drawing attention to the fact that you're a kind person, you're probably

not a kind person, right? Yeah. I was

aware of that. I was like, I don't want to I don't want to tell anybody cuz it's not for anybody to know. It's just for me. It was doing it for me.

me. It was doing it for me.

It made you happy. It made me happy, but it made it broke my heart too during the process because I would I would like walk into they have like homeless housing. Um, so I'd walk into these

housing. Um, so I'd walk into these apartments like Henry and all these all these people I made friends with like infested with roaches. Like you couldn't

see a thing because there were so many roaches and I'd be like, "Hey, Matt, like the dog." And and really be in it.

And it broke my heart. I think it scared me a little too. I should. Yeah. Which

is a miracle that I didn't get hurt.

Like I was by myself in my miniskirt.

Yeah. You're asking for trouble then. I

was asking for trouble but I didn't I always feel like something is protecting me. That's good. It probably is.

me. That's good. It probably is.

Hopefully. And then I left home. I I Did you Did you finish high school? No, I

dropped out of high school. So I was getting bullied really heavily. And how

does dropping out of high school fly in a Korean family?

Oh, I was causing so much trouble before then that at like they also saw how depressed I was. They saw how unhappy I was.

And at that point, I think it's like what, five years after puberty, I think they were so confused and shocked at like who I was becoming

because I was so I wasn't conforming to anything that they were like, "Okay, you're dropping out. There's nothing we can do about

out. There's nothing we can do about it." You know, I think they were they

it." You know, I think they were they were just like, "Wow." Do you feel misunderstood by most people?

I feel misunderstood, but I also feel like nobody's trying to understand. I

feel like it's very rare to meet somebody that is trying to see somebody for who they actually are and empathize and really just see without your own experience in mind.

Just see somebody for who they are. I

don't think that happens often. So, it's

not even misunderstood. It's just like you're not trying to understand the people around you. Yeah. There's a

there's a lot to everyone's story. Yeah.

And some of those details are very important, right? I feel like anybody

important, right? I feel like anybody could be my teacher. Anyone could say something that changes my life. And

nobody's really like trying to listen anymore. I feel What would you say are

anymore. I feel What would you say are your greatest strengths?

Oh, I have no idea. I have no idea. I

think maybe like my ability to feel.

That's a great one. But I I still have like lingering

one. But I I still have like lingering sense of shame because that's been around since I was a kid. So if I if I feel good about something about myself, I immediately shoot it down with shame.

I immediately shoot it down with like, well, you're not doing that. So is that a Korean thing?

No, I don't think so. I actually don't even identify with my culture all that much. I'm proud to be Korean, but it's

much. I'm proud to be Korean, but it's not like I'm I walk around the world and I'm like I am a Korean American. Like

I'm just me. I'm just a soul. I'm

me. I'm just a soul. I'm

very I'm just a soul in a human body. Yeah. Yeah. What

would you say is one of your weaknesses?

Fear. Yeah. I'm afraid of everything. Of

everything. Yeah. I think fear is like the most dangerous. I always say like the most dangerous men are insecure and afraid men rather than malicious men

because I mean and they can go hand in hand but someone who's outwardly malicious and manipulative versus somebody who's very confused about themselves and is afraid and wounded I

feel like they're more more dangerous because then you have no idea what you'll do. Are you afraid of men?

No. No. Thankfully, I've never had bad experiences with men besides my father being like somebody I've had to parent at an early age. I've never been I' I

don't have any sexual trauma. Like, I

don't have That's great. any bad

experience. All the guys I've dated to have been very gentle souls. They've

been very kind and they've always been head over heels for me. And I've always been the very mean and toxic one and just

breaking hearts. And they like that. I

breaking hearts. And they like that. I

know they didn't like it. I really did do think though that I met all the guys that I've dated because I was meant to meet their mom.

Their moms are always something that they were characters that were so pivotal in my growth. In a good way. In

a good way. Yeah. I started

dominatrixing because of one of my ex's moms and that that was a pretty How did that come about? She's a very established dominatrix. She was my first

established dominatrix. She was my first like mother figure outside of my I could see you as a dominatrix. Really? Yeah.

What? Oh, no. You said you you said you did you do it for a while? I did it on and off for like a couple years. Yeah, I

could see you as that. But interestingly

enough, I wasn't doing it. There was no sexual arousal to it. There was no like Yeah, it was all psychological for me.

It was all like I I want to know I want to pick at their brains and know what kind of human resorts to this. Exactly.

Yeah. And it was interesting cuz I'd pick at their brains and then feed it right back to them and they loved it.

It's almost like a demented form of therapy. Right. So I stopped because I

therapy. Right. So I stopped because I was like it's too much weight. It's I

feel like a therapist and it's too much to carry. I would sage myself when I get

to carry. I would sage myself when I get home but it wasn't enough. I was holding so much of their their experience in their

life. And also just like being, you

life. And also just like being, you know, raised the way I was raised, I'm really sensitive to people's like energies and I'm so empathic that I I

completely forget about who I am and go into their shoes. And so after the session is over, I kind of it takes me a second.

I'm like coming back to myself and who I am, but it takes me a second. So that was a lot. I was like,

second. So that was a lot. I was like, I'm not stable enough to be doing this.

Yeah. You need to be very, very strong.

Yes. Or be or have some fun with it. The

only fun I had was like using a whip, but you can do that with not a human. You can do that with an apple in

human. You can do that with an apple in the middle of the woods. You're an

interesting girl.

Really? I was afraid of this interview because I was afraid I wasn't interesting enough. But I've I've always thought

enough. But I've I've always thought regular people would be interesting just as interesting as somebody who's had some terrible trauma in their life or something like that.

Yeah. I left home and I met, you know, that Dominick's mom lived on the east coast and then I left home or I, you know, I never went

back home since. But she's she's Asian as well. Oh, she's white. Oh, really?

as well. Oh, she's white. Oh, really?

Mhm. She's an established Dominick.

She's beautiful. She had a very dark kind of like witchy aura about her, but still very strong. And then the next guy

I kind of dated, his mom was an ex stripper, but now she's super spiritual and she has her own land on a farm in Texas. So I learned to live with them in

Texas. So I learned to live with them in Texas for over a year. And she is very she's they're like polar opposites.

She's very bright and she shines. She's

got red hair and she's like a goddess but also very strong. And so I was learning how to settle into my femininity in a strong way because my

grandmother and my dad are both very masculine. So I never had a example of

masculine. So I never had a example of what a feminine what femininity looks like and I I had that with them on like two opposite

spectrums and I got to like figure out who I was in that.

What kind of guys are you attracted to or what kind of guys are attracted to you? I think I'm

you? I think I'm demisexual. So, I think I can't there's

demisexual. So, I think I can't there's no like criteria or set of lists of what I'm attracted to. It's just if I connect

with you on a very cosmic level like I if I'm sexually attracted to someone, it's because I feel a very strong

spiritual connection with them. Yep.

It's not anything else. I'm dating a guy right now and I feel like the first for the first

time I want to heal for somebody else cuz he's so gentle and he's so patient and he sees all of me and I'm I feel so naked with him that there really

is no like getting angry or running away anymore. I can't do that with him. So, I

anymore. I can't do that with him. So, I

feel like I need to, you know, it's time to accelerate the work that I've already been doing, but

um I can't be reckless anymore is how I feel with him. And I feel so spiritually connected to him that even if if I tried to lie to myself or fake it or avoid

something and not face myself, he'd pick up on it right away. And I can't. And

you're going to be able to leave him to go to New York? No, he's in New York.

Oh, he's in New York. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, there's your reason to go to

go. Yeah, there's your reason to go to New York. Well, no, I've been wanting to

New York. Well, no, I've been wanting to move there for a few years now. It's

just my grandma.

I can't leave her. But, you know, she tells me, "Live your life. Go do it.

I'll just be really lonely." No, you don't want to live your life for somebody else. Yeah, you can't wait for

somebody else. Yeah, you can't wait for someone to die to start your life. But I

love her and I want to be with her all the time. And it's sad, but I've got to.

the time. And it's sad, but I've got to.

And I've been away from home for so long anyway. But on the other side of the

anyway. But on the other side of the country now. It's just a flight. It's

country now. It's just a flight. It's

just a flight.

Yeah. It's difficult like not having a home though. You know, most people have

home though. You know, most people have like a childhood home they can go back to or like some sort of family reunion thing like a base, a home base. I don't

have that and I never did. We were

always moving around so much as a kid.

There was so much instability. Um, and our parents are

instability. Um, and our parents are just humans, you know. It's not like it's their faults. They were trying their best, but they're just, you know, they had the tools that they had, which

sometimes lacked. And so, I don't really

sometimes lacked. And so, I don't really have a place to go back to. It's it's

been a journey to like create that sense of home within myself, no matter where I am. And now

I'm just trying to settle down somewhere because I'm so used to chaos and instability that I'm I've I'm like forcing myself to commit to one place

and just stay put and and find that safety and content in that one place because I've always felt so like volatile just like all over the place. I

think it's important to understand that our parents are struggling broken people just like ourselves.

Yeah, I felt like I learned that too early though cuz you, you know, as a kid, you want to be able to have support, like feel a sense of

safety with those around you, especially your parents. Do you talk with your mom

your parents. Do you talk with your mom at all? No. I've actually just now

at all? No. I've actually just now recently started to look for her like online, but I can't find her. You don't

see a lot of moms that abandon their children at two. I learned two days ago that her mom abandoned her as a kid.

Wow. So, it's a generational thing. It's

been a really heavy burden to walk this life so far, 22 years, thinking I've got to break the generational curse. I've

got to break it. Like, I've got to stop it. I'm the stop to it. But I've started

it. I'm the stop to it. But I've started to reframe and it's more just they everybody before me went through what they went through so that I could be

here not with a sense of shame or burden but be here freely and recognize all of the trauma that you know our bloodline

carries and then be able to cultivate that like alchemize it you know not make it define me or feel like it's a curse on my back but just carry

it. What do you think you're afraid of?

it. What do you think you're afraid of?

What do you What do you worry about?

Wow, that's a big question. What am I afraid of in life?

question. What am I afraid of in life?

Like overall? I mean, there's certain things that different people will be more concerned about than others.

Just some people be afraid of being alone. Other people are afraid of being

alone. Other people are afraid of being wrong. Some people are afraid of

wrong. Some people are afraid of being, you know, they need they need to be dominant. They need to be in in

be dominant. They need to be in in control. Some, you know, I'm afraid of

control. Some, you know, I'm afraid of being alone. You're afraid of being

being alone. You're afraid of being alone. Yeah. But less so alone. More so

alone. Yeah. But less so alone. More so

left alone. Like left being left. So,

I've dealt with that since I was since I left home with like hyper independence, you know, shutting myself off from the world, being completely

alone. But when you don't have the tools

alone. But when you don't have the tools or the support or like, you know, people around you, which is not normal to not have you I I just fell into substance

abuse. So, I just fell into like

abuse. So, I just fell into like escaping all of it. Nothing ever hard.

It was always just pot or um never alcohol, but I fell into like a little Xanax episode when I was younger, like

17. And then and then a lot of

17. And then and then a lot of psychedelics. A lot of psychedelics. I'm

psychedelics. A lot of psychedelics. I'm

sober now, thankfully, but a lot of psychedelics. And it was always masked

psychedelics. And it was always masked like the people I was around with was it was always masked with this is medicine like this is this is healing and in a lot of ways it could be there's like

MDMA therapy ketamine therapy all of these things but you know does your fear of being abandoned or left whatever does that affect the way you

are in a rel in a relationship? Oh yeah

that's like it's gota that's like the pinnacle of everything. Yeah. Yeah. So,

you end up being what? Needy or clingy or what? I end

or what? I end up I end up being able to in the moment with so much

clarity make it logical why this person is not the right person for me. Oh, wow.

And it's so like it's so pragmatic in my brain. Talk your way out of the

brain. Talk your way out of the relationship. I'll talk my way out of

relationship. I'll talk my way out of any relationship. every every

any relationship. every every relationship just like you know and a lot of them you know it's it's just so subjective because like if a guy isn't taking care of himself or

isn't respecting himself like obviously you want you want somebody who respects themselves but I will make it about how I'll be left instead of just having a normal conversation like a healthy

relationship where you're like hey let's talk about these things I'll be like it's it's either life or death for me it feels like it'll be life or death. Like

it feels that's that's just your fear.

Yeah. It's just fear. So I'm trying to work through that and surrender. Like

you have to you have to kind of just surrender. I'm you have to accept who

surrender. I'm you have to accept who you are. And also just surrender

you are. And also just surrender like I'm safe. Like I keep telling myself I'll be safe even if they do leave me. I'll be okay. Like my past

leave me. I'll be okay. Like my past isn't going to recreate itself. Yeah.

But that's a real challenge until I make it. Yeah. To get there. Yeah, it is.

it. Yeah. To get there. Yeah, it is.

I've been trying though. I've been trying really hard. I

though. I've been trying really hard. I

If I didn't write, I would die. Like, I

write all the time and that's the only way I can express my feelings outside of art, like movement and dance that allows

me to express myself without hurting anybody else. Are you are you afraid of

anybody else. Are you are you afraid of the threat of AI in your art or your future? No.

There's no way AI can capture the essence of of humanity the way that we can. The all the intricacies like all of

can. The all the intricacies like all of the like the little details that you can't read in a formula of what it is to be a human and to feel it's so complex.

Mhm.

AI will say it's 2 plus 2 equals 4, but we'll like, you know, we can explain what that means. And I don't think AI can do that. I'm not afraid. I'm

actually like I went to yoga school and I learned about Vadic astrology, which is like Indian astrology, which is what western astrology is based off of. And I

fell in love with it because it felt so much more accurate and true than western astrology. But I'm an Aquarius and

astrology. But I'm an Aquarius and Aquariuses are supposed to be like the sign of the future. Like it always talks about technology and AI with Aquariuses because you're supposed to cultivate it.

You're supposed to lead with that. I'm

so the opposite. I'm anti-technology. I

despise phones. Like I I I get really angry at my computer regularly and I can't imagine myself being in that world. I can't do it. I'm very old

world. I can't do it. I'm very old school. Like I need to be face to face.

school. Like I need to be face to face.

I need to be feeling someone's presence.

I can't do it over the phone. God damn.

What What do you think of modern dating and all the all the apps and all the the way the way it's all playing out now?

Oh, it's so bad. Like on one end when I was younger

bad. Like on one end when I was younger I always wanted to have fun. My friends

are always on hinge and they still are and you know I respect it to each their own and they have so much fun. They're

like I just went on three dates. It's

like wow that must be such an experience. But what is your criteria of

experience. But what is your criteria of like so it's so it's so shallow to me like

you're just looking at images and seeing a identity that someone intentionally curated for you to see for you to date

them. Like I can't comprehend that. I

them. Like I can't comprehend that. I

would never want to date somebody who is advertising themselves to be dated, right? That really turns me off. Like my

right? That really turns me off. Like my

man right now, he's he is also like that. He's just

like, I'm not going to advertise myself.

I'm I'm just here very organic. I like

it to be very organic. No, it's it's it's a strange world we live in now where everyone's marketing themselves.

It's so strange. I falsely, you know, it's like like I always say I I feel like I was born in the wrong year. Like,

and I always tell my boyfriend, I'm like, "I wish I was born in the 80s."

And he's like, "No, you don't." Like, I I really do. The music was the best. The

everything was the best. It was organic.

What do you think of the music now? Now,

like right now in our generation. Yeah.

Like what what you hear out of people's cars and boom boxes.

I like it. You know, I was I grew up in like a much more ghetto part of LA, so it there it hits home sometimes, like a

lot of rap does, but I've nothing makes me feel the way I feel like '8s music.

Mhm. I don't know what it is, but you know, there seems to be more soul in older music. Soul. Yeah, it's a lot of

older music. Soul. Yeah, it's a lot of soul. It's a lot of

soul. It's a lot of like rhythm. It's based on rhythm.

like rhythm. It's based on rhythm.

Every every song has a rhythm, but I feel like life life goes on a rhythm.

And there's something about like mainstream 80s music that has a rhythm that I really really resonate with. Like

Billy Idol, I love I love Billy Idol. Yeah. I feel like I was born in

Idol. Yeah. I feel like I was born in the wrong year. I'm trying to accept it.

I'm trying to come to terms with it that I'm here now, so might as well like be okay with it.

It's an interesting time, isn't it? It's

really interesting. You always I feel like I notice that you talk about it because you you know, I don't know what era you grew up in, but I do notice in your videos that you talk about it.

You'll be like, "It's an interesting time now. Things have changed." Well,

time now. Things have changed." Well,

things are changing so quickly, you know? It's like, who knows what the

know? It's like, who knows what the future's going to be. Seems like the next five years are going to change.

There'll be more change in the next five years than there have been in the last 15. It feels like Yeah. I have a friend

15. It feels like Yeah. I have a friend who was uh who's in who's in this like Burning Man community that I was involved in. It was very culty, but um

involved in. It was very culty, but um he's a good guy and he's like a tech bro, but he asked to get dinner one day because he was like, I want to start an

app that reads the vibrations of your activities so that we can all go towards more awakened consciousness.

And I was like, that is that's bad.

That's really bad. Cuz there's a sense of like

bad. Cuz there's a sense of like awakening that people are trying I feel like I feel like I feel it around me.

Like people are trying to be more conscious like like spiritually conscious like culturally, politically, like just people especially my generation.

But to combine that with technology is just so unnatural to me and kind of hypocritical too because it's like you're

you're calculating your consciousness. That's weird to me.

your consciousness. That's weird to me.

It seems to me like we're all very isolated from each other and technology is is making that even more so. It just seems like we're eventually

so. It just seems like we're eventually never gonna interact.

Yeah. If this all continues and keeps going in this direction, who's going to interact with anybody? Yeah. Where are

you gonna meet a nice guy at a grocery store, at a gym, or at a whatever?

That'll never happen. Yeah. That's why

I'm going to New York, too, because it's the closest thing I Yeah. You'll you'll

run into I can come to like real interact tens of thousands of people every day as you walk around the street.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty like Not that you're interacting with them, but you're at least you're there. At least you're there. At least you're seeing people. I

there. At least you're seeing people. I

feel like in LA it's really easy to New Yorkers are very nice. I find h New Yorkers are very nice people. Yes. Maybe

maybe on the surface they're not cuz it's just inappropriate to be friendly to everybody you meet because you're meeting thousands of people, but it's real. But when you actually get into

real. But when you actually get into like a a one-on-one conversation with New Yorkers for the most part, there's there's good and bad and everything else, but I've got so I've had so many

great relationships with New York people. It's real. They're they're

people. It's real. They're they're

gritty. They're raw. Mhm. They're

authentic. They're intelligent. They're

they're I mean, that's like a whole generalization. There's people that are,

generalization. There's people that are, you know, inauthentic everywhere. No.

And they're they're crow magnets in New York, too. Yeah. But in LA, it's just so

York, too. Yeah. But in LA, it's just so much easier to meet someone who's completely isolated in their own world.

You're almost delusional. Like, you're

just so like you're just so the main character in your own head that you're completely unaware of the community around you. And it's really difficult to

around you. And it's really difficult to speak to you because you're just so [ __ ] ignorant. And it gets on my nerves because I just want honesty. Whether

you're mean to me, whether you're nice to me, I just want honesty. And I feel like New York comes close to that. Yep.

Whereas in LA, no one's no one's being honest with me. Yeah. You'll get more realism in New York. Yeah. Everyone's

lying to my face and I feel it and I just don't appreciate it. And I get in trouble a lot because

it. And I get in trouble a lot because I'll be too blunt. I'm like, well, if I went to the other side of the country, I'm sure nobody would be upset. If I told someone my honest

upset. If I told someone my honest opinion in New York, I think nine times out of 10, you won't be too upset.

Exactly. I think you'll do fine in New York. I hope so.

York. I hope so.

There's a big like, especially with my generation, there's a big um people aren't liking the transplants currently in New York

because they come with ignorance.

Transplants from where? Everywhere.

Mostly like middle of middle middle of the United States. But like, you know, if you're I feel like people have an issue right now, especially my native New Yorker friends. they have an issue

because you're coming in with this glamorized Sex and City ideation of New York and you're raising the rent and you know just like regular gentrification,

but you also bash on it. You also say it's so gross. I would never raise my family here. So, you're using it as like

family here. So, you're using it as like a money playground and you're kind of ruining generations of people's place, like their neighborhood

and then you leave. you trash it and then you leave. And I I feel like that's everywhere all the time and New York is built on transplants, but there's like

I'm noticing that there's a big difference now. People are more

difference now. People are more LA where there were real struggling artists back back in the day. So I read. What

What are your dreams? What would you like to see happen in your life in the next five years?

I really want to become an actress. I want

to act. But I took a long time to admit that because growing up in a Korean family and um having like shame as my first friend, it's hard to admit I want

to become an actress. A lot of the times you see failed actresses. You don't

really see people doing what they love and actually getting to be paid for it. It's

not even like I'm chasing fame. It's

more just I love to do it. I love to experience people like and to step into someone's world and be them is so fun to

me. I went to uh

me. I went to uh William Esper or no I went to like this acting school in New York last year and I had so much fun because I just got to

do what was very natural to me. It just

felt like Have you studied? Yeah, quite

a bit. I studied the miser technique and it was really fun and I just feel like it's natural to me and I want to do it, but I'm really

afraid of what will happen if I do. It's

the thing I'm most terrified of right now, but hopefully I get to do it. Yeah,

I don't know where to begin. New York

City is going to be a fun place for you.

But overall, I think I just Like my life goal overall is to just just heal. Like that's it.

just heal. Like that's it.

Nothing wrong with that. Whether it's to heal people around me or or heal in some way by example or just like heal on my own like alone. Everybody heal.

Everybody we meet needs something like that. Yeah. And I feel it. And you know,

that. Yeah. And I feel it. And you know, I thought about becoming a therapist, but I don't like it. It's to

indoctrinate it. Yeah. And there's many many different ways of being a therapist. Yeah. I would ask every

therapist. Yeah. I would ask every therapist I had recently. I would go, "Do you know who Rahm Doss is?" And they all went, "No." They don't

is?" And they all went, "No." They don't know. I was like, "You can't be my

know. I was like, "You can't be my therapist." They were like, "Well, what

therapist." They were like, "Well, what are you looking for?" I'm like, "I'm looking for a guru. I'm looking for you to sit me down and tell me exactly what you see." I I I heard some some

you see." I I I heard some some statistic recently where they interviewed therapists and they asked how many therapists do they think are competent and I think it was only third

like a third of therapist therapists thought only a third of them were competent. It sounds

really shitty but I just didn't respect them. I didn't respect, you know,

them. I didn't respect, you know, finding a therapist is like finding a partner. It's hard finding a good

partner. It's hard finding a good therapist. And really often what you're

therapist. And really often what you're doing is just talking talking to somebody and I like you're doing with me right now. Not that I'm a therapist. I'm

right now. Not that I'm a therapist. I'm

not. I don't feel like I need that.

Everyone needs to talk about what they're going through, but writing does that for me more than talking does. I'm

way more articulate in text. I'm uh

things come out that I was processing in an order and a fashion that I I like better than when I'm speaking. I find my art is a better way

of communicating than going to therapy.

Well, because it's the closest thing that gets to that gets to what you're feeling. Yeah. I mean, not that every

feeling. Yeah. I mean, not that every story I do is are my issues, but in one form or another, they kind of are. Yeah.

You know, not all not all, but some are like very close. Like, oh, I can relate to that. And that if

to that. And that if you can relate to their gambling problem, that's that's kind of like, oh, that kind of relates to my whatever problem.

And I see that everybody is struggling.

It's a mirror though. That's why I fell in love with your channel is because I was so surprised. You know, your channel was a

surprised. You know, your channel was a marker for for my growing up. I watched

it from such a like young age that I would watch these videos and in the beginning stages of watching your videos, I was really depressed and I was

like, "Wow, I feel so much like you're interviewing like a heroin addict and I'm not that." But I felt so much kinship with them and then it got in

what way did you see did you see kinship with them? Just like I really resonated

with them? Just like I really resonated with how they had no sense of empowerment to to get out of their situation. Like it it was almost

their situation. Like it it was almost just it's better to run away and be high than to actually face your life. And it's a victimization

for sure, but there was a sense of accountability that a lot of your um interviewees had and I resonated with that. But then I like did a lot of work

that. But then I like did a lot of work on myself and I grew. And then I'd watch your videos with the same kinds of characters and not resonate with them as

much in that way, but more in like a it's a selfish way of like, huh, I don't feel that way anymore. Like I

don't feel that close to them anymore.

just, you know, I feel connected. We're

all connected, but I don't feel like I could end up like them because that's how I felt when I first started watching is I could easily be like I was doing a lot of drug stories early on, so that

kind of became like my thing, but now now it's much different. Mhm. And I just love hearing about what it's like to be somebody else. Yeah. I mean, these are

somebody else. Yeah. I mean, these are just interesting stories like it's super interesting. You're just a girl who's

interesting. You're just a girl who's amazing living your life. Yeah, you're

not fighting fentanyl addiction. You're

not fighting. You're not doing sex work.

You're not doing anything like that.

You're just a girl. There was a period in my life where I was like 18, 19 though that I could have gone two ways.

One, the way I'm going right now, which is choosing health, choosing healing, and then I could have just completely gone off the deep end. There was that I

remember I was the deep end being what?

like falling into all all any substance like falling into complete despair just like I give up. Like there was a I was at a fork in the road and I remember it.

I remember thinking I could just give up really. I could just go down the drain

really. I could just go down the drain and I'd feel like that's easier for me to do and more comfortable. Do things

like Only Fans even come into the equation for you when you're thinking about your future and supporting yourself? I always wanted to. There was

yourself? I always wanted to. There was

a point in my life where I was like 17, 18 that I was working as a waitress on Melrose and I was really broke and I

drove around all of LA to every strip club and I walked in and I was like, I want to be a stripper cuz I need the money and you know, I've always been comfortable with myself. I don't have

sexual trauma so I was just like, let me do it. Yeah. and and they um once I was

do it. Yeah. and and they um once I was there and I was getting into it, I was like, I can't do this. I can't do this.

I always wanted to do Only Fans. I

always wanted to um I respect sex work.

Like, you got to do what you got to do.

And there was one girl on your channel that was like, "Pussyy's power." And I'm just I'm just cashing it out. I'm just

using it. And I respect that. But I

can't bring myself to do it. No, I think I think you see into the future well enough. I mean, certain people are in a

enough. I mean, certain people are in a in a situation their backs against the wall, they have kids, support, there's just no other option for them and and they figured out that let me

just do this and you once you get over that first hurdle of like, all right, now I'm doing this publicly. Once you

get over that, then it becomes, I guess, easier. But the the long-term effects of selling your ass on

the internet, I think would depress most people. I've always had angry and

people. I've always had angry and depressed. I've always had like a

depressed. I've always had like a maternal instinct that I don't know where it came from because No, but you like one day you'll have two kids and you don't want you don't want your kid

to your son to be 13 and then finding out that mom Exactly. I always think like I even though even though I think we're all so uptight about sex and it I don't know if that's helpful as a

society. I still don't like I have two

society. I still don't like I have two daughters. I I don't think they should

daughters. I I don't think they should be doing it. Yeah. You we've had this conversation but I just don't think it's the right move for anybody.

I think to some people it is the right move. No, for some people it probably

move. No, for some people it probably is. You're right. It's up their alley.

is. You're right. It's up their alley.

It's like what I've interviewed women that are just like they are fine with it. They are a actually they're like

it. They are a actually they're like great at it. They're great at it.

They're fine with it. They're making a killing. It's like Jesus, you were built

killing. It's like Jesus, you were built for this. Yeah, they're built for it.

for this. Yeah, they're built for it.

I'm just not built for it. Very few very few women are. I'm too sensitive. And I

And I also Yeah, I think about my kids.

It's I'm so young, but I've always thought about my kids. No, but but that that temptation of like you could be making, you know, these crazy numbers a month, but I don't think what people

realize is how hard a job it is. Well,

the women as like when I was doming.

It's very mentally and spiritually taxing. No, but like only fans. I can

taxing. No, but like only fans. I can

tell you the girls that are that I've interviewed a bunch of girls that are making millions a year doing it and they every one of them sounds nice. What's

that? That sounds nice. No, of course it sounds great. It's like winning the

sounds great. It's like winning the lottery. But the reality of it is

lottery. But the reality of it is they're talking to dudes, sending videos, dealing with these kind of guys all day, every day,

creating new content, all that. Your

life becomes about sex.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think I don't think it's a I also think about my dad. I'm sorry. I

think about my dad, how he would feel about it. How he'd feel about it. Y I

about it. How he'd feel about it. Y I

like I said, I've had to like at least emotionally by myself parentify myself and him from such a young age. So, it almost is like I'm thinking of my dad, but I'm thinking

of like him in a not in a way of like, oh, my dad would be so disappointed.

It's more like that would break his heart, and I can't break his heart. You

You almost need in order to do that kind of stuff, you almost need to have a shitty relationship with your dad. You

need to be in in a situation where your back's against the wall financially. And then you need to But I

financially. And then you need to But I had all of those, you know, I wasn't talking to my dad when I left home for a few years. So, you you have morals. my

few years. So, you you have morals. my

backs against. I don't think I had morals. I think I had fear

morals. I think I had fear which helped me out in some way. I was

too afraid. I was too afraid to to to embody myself in that way and and sexualize myself. There was a sense of

sexualize myself. There was a sense of shame, you know, and that all worked out for me in that way. Yeah. Fear and shame uh held it together. Like I said, I always feel like I was protected because very shortly after I started going to

those strip clubs and driving around inquiring, I got signed as a model. And um I got scouted online and

model. And um I got scouted online and and then I started making money just by posing, which was really interesting.

Posing for what? Just in like commercials, like editorials. Like I got signed as a model and and I never thought I could be a model. Like I never

thought that I could get paid for how I look. Oh yeah. No, you're beautiful.

look. Oh yeah. No, you're beautiful.

Thank you. But I never felt that way and I still have a hard time feeling that way.

Honey, thank you so much for coming in.

Thank you. You're a very interesting girl. Thank you. I don't think so, but

girl. Thank you. I don't think so, but thank you. It'd be fun to do this in 5

thank you. It'd be fun to do this in 5 years or 3 years or whatever when you're in New York or like 10 years. Or 10

years. That'd be amazing. I'd be 32.

I'll still be doing this. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Well, you've got you've got to stay healthy. I'll stay healthy. Okay.

stay healthy. I'll stay healthy. Okay.

Cool. It's a date. Thank you. All right,

Don. Thank you.

When I was designing the first soft underbelly book, I realized that there were so many great portraits that weren't going to make it into that book.

They just wouldn't fit. And once I saw how well that first book sold, I knew I'd have to design a second book.

This second book is finally ready to ship. Like the first one, this book has

ship. Like the first one, this book has a collection of some of the best portraits from Softwite Underbelly, accompanied by a quote from that person's interview. This book features another

interview. This book features another group of Rebecca portraits as well as a collection of color images of the Whitaker family and plenty of others.

You can order yours for $125 or $150 for a signed copy at softwadbelly.org. Again, like the first

softwadbelly.org. Again, like the first book, once this book is sold out, I will not be printing more of them. The

portraits are what Softwood Underbelly is all about, and these two books contain the best of all that work. Thank

you for watching.