The Truth About Confidence No one Told You

Unshakeable confidence is not gained, it is built brick by brick.

The reason you still struggle with your confidence is that you're missing the most important element, a bank of evidence to support you when your feelings and external factors fail you.

Before I break that down, there's something very sinister in the way confidence is discussed in our society, and I think that's why a lot of people still struggle with it.

You're not sure if what you have is confidence or if you're just deluded.

Even though you follow all the advice that everybody gives, you're still so unsure of yourself and you find it so hard to show up without a mask.

So let me tell you everything confidence is not.

One, confidence doesn't have a look or an aesthetic and this one means so much to me.

Listen, it's not about rebranding or glowing up.

I need you to hear me on this.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, I mean look at me, a sense of confidence solely tied to how you present yourself to the world and what other people think about you can only take you so far.

Because at the end of the day, you'll have to take off the costume.

At the end of the day, you'll have to be alone with yourself and if you can't deal with who or what you see in the mirror, if you cannot live with yourself, what is the point?

Two, confidence is not about not caring what other people think and please stay with me on this.

You should care but where it counts.

Humans are interconnected.

There are people in your life whose opinions should matter because you know they care.

It's not about blocking out everybody.

It's about not letting their voices drown out your own.

When you listen to others, do so from a place of alignment and trust, not fear.

Three, confidence doesn't have to be loud, bold or super charismatic.

You don't have to be free of doubt or insecurity either.

Confidence can be quiet, introverted, subtle and is just as powerful.

So what is confidence?

It is the courage to stand stripped bare, knowing you are enough even when things are falling apart.

It is being rooted and grounded in who you are even when doubt, uncertainty and rejection come.

It's knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you, not because you have it all figured out but because you trust yourself to figure it out.

And how do you build this trust?

You do it by understanding self-perception.

Some people are lucky to have had somebody from a young age who cultivated their sense of self, their self-concept and those people grew up not questioning their worth or capabilities.

But if you didn't have that and you're tired of feeling like you can't cope, it's now your responsibility to build what wasn't given to you.

Self-perception is created through how you analyze your behavior.

I am not confident because I automatically think I am the best and the baddest and the greatest.

I am confident because I have a bank of evidence built over time that shows that in many moments of my life, I have been the greatest.

I have been the baddest and the best.

How?

Because with all of my wounds, my scars, my lack of support, no love, no one cheering me on, I showed up.

I showed up crying, panicking, heart racing, alone, distraught, but I showed up and I did it.

So when I pat myself on the bum and say, Pearl, you are really the best, I'm not claiming to be better than anyone else.

I am saying it because I know from my actions that I keep breaking my own personal records.

When I walk into rooms with my chest out and my head held high, it's not because I'm not trembling but because I can look into my bank of evidence and remember the last time I was trembling and still did what needed to be done.

That's my proof of capability.

When things fall apart or a storm brews, I don't look to the outside world for balance.

I don't rely on feelings.

I rely on the facts I have built over time.

I am someone who does things afraid.

I am someone who walks away from people who don't see my value, even when my heart is breaking and I feel like I can't breathe.

I am someone who speaks up even when my voice shakes.

I am someone who chooses truth even when it costs me everything.

How do I know this?

I know I am because I've already done it.

True confidence is a skill, a muscle that gets stronger with use.

Just like any muscle, you have to work for it.

It's built over time, piece by piece, with every challenge you face and every time you show up for yourself, you build it.

When you move through the fear, when you learn from failure, when you keep going despite the pain, the setbacks and the struggle, that's your bank of evidence and eventually that becomes your instinct.

It seems natural and easy but that's because you have a foundation that backs up your self-perception.

If your confidence is only tied to your looks, attention, access, the way you dress, the people you know or how you speak and how they speak about you, it will fall apart when those things go away or when someone doesn't validate you.

But no one can take away the facts of your life.

When I hear people say I wish I was as confident as you, I think to myself, you haven't done what I've done so you're not as confident as me.

That's the truth.

I'm not special.

I'm just doing what you refuse to do.

My confidence didn't come from feeling, it came from doing.

I didn't fake it till I made it.

I showed up with intention, discipline and intensity to become it.

You might still be struggling with confidence because you're stuck in the faking.

And by the way, you can't do this without vulnerability.

I've failed, picked myself up, failed again many times publicly.

I've walked into rooms where my mind and some people told me I didn't belong, feeling ashamed and unworthy but I showed up.

I didn't try to stop feeling ashamed or unworthy.

I went there with those feelings and realized that the people inside that room did not have 10 heads.

So I kept showing up and with every encounter, those feelings eroded because if I was in the room, it meant that I belonged.

I dared to be seen in spaces where there was no one like me.

I was judged and sneered at and I stood with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart and stayed true to myself.

So you can't tell me anything about me and when I'm struggling, my mind and my feelings cannot deceive me because I have the evidence.

You can't build confidence on nothing.

Once the wind blows, both you and your confidence will come crashing down.

Don't shy away from your scars or your pain or your fears.

Use them.

Show up wounded.

Join the race.

You might not finish first but when you run a race with people who have had a head start and you make it to the finish line, you'll have broken a personal record.

Oh gosh.

The more you embrace vulnerability, the more you discover your strength.

Unshakable confidence comes from showing up imperfect, unsure and still doing it anyway.

Remember, freedom isn't free.

You have to do something to get something.

So now let's get into some practical steps you can take today.

The most important thing is to build a creed.

This is your value system, the kind of person you are and the kind of person you want to be.

You cannot skip this step.

You need to know your values to build behaviours around them.

What are your non-negotiables?

What do you stand for or want to stand for?

What won't you compromise in your dealings with other people and with yourself?

If your name is mentioned in a room, what kind of person do you want to be known as?

I want to be someone whose words carry weight.

I value truth which means I say what I mean, mean what I say and do what I say I will do.

To be that kind of person, I need boundaries.

I must be vulnerable and cannot be in close communion with people who run on lies and dysfunction.

Be honest with yourself about what you want, about your strengths, about your weaknesses, about your desires.

There are no rules to this but if you want confidence built on evidence, you have to decipher what you value and why so that you can make informed decisions.

So once you figure this out, start by doing something small that scares you every day.

Just for a few minutes, it scares you for a reason.

Any action you take will build your bank of evidence.

Maybe there's a relationship where you've never verbalised the need before.

Say something today.

Ask for one thing.

Show up in a way you crave to but have been too afraid to.

And every time you do something, affirm yourself.

Don't wait for someone else or for external validation.

Just like parents clap when a child does the tiniest thing, do that for yourself.

Let's say you live with anxiety and you manage to say hello to a stranger.

Give yourself a pat on the bum, kiss your hands and say thank you so much, you are so great.

I do that all the time.

I thank myself for everything, for waking up, for brushing, for washing my face.

I thank myself for cooking, something as mundane as making dinner because I'm the only one who knows the internal knots I had to overcome to do what might seem easy to others.

You can write these things down or make a video diary but please affirm yourself and all you have to do is rinse and repeat.

Show up every day, taking actions that align with your value system no matter how small.

One day you'll realise you've built an undeniable body of proof that you are who you say you are.

I have no doubt that the fears of judgement and of being seen trying will try to keep you stuck.

When those fears come, ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen?

Write it down or say it out loud then remind yourself that your goal isn't to prevent the worst from happening but to become someone who shows up knowing that it could happen.

Sometimes we stay stuck because we are trying to prevent something from happening instead of focusing on what we could build through it.

And you know what's crazy?

In your doing you will learn time after time that the worst rarely ever happens.

True confidence comes from a place of self -respect not superiority.

It doesn't need to prove itself, it simply is.

If you weren't yourself and you met you outside, would you respect that person?

That's the question.

Arrogance tries to overshadow others because it fears being overshadowed.

If you're at peace with yourself, you won't require other people to disappear for you to exist.

You won't need to belittle anyone else.

I speak passionately about this because I've found that those people who hate self-assured people are people who are disconnected from themselves so seeing you exist fully triggers something in them.

We all live different lives so confidence will look different for everyone.

All you have to do is to make sure you align your inner self with your outer actions in a way that feels authentic to you.

Like everything we do here, please do not forget this is a journey.

You will fail, you will flounder but in that you will learn yourself deeply.

You will embrace your flaws and stand in your own light.

You will speak with conviction that has nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with evidence.

You get me?

As always, it's been an absolute pleasure.

My name is Pearl and I'll see you in the next video.