The uncomfortable question you should ask on every first date | Alain de Botton

Optimism is the enemy of love. If we think that we will have a perfect love story, no, it's not going to happen. We need to accept that even a really good relationship has constant moments of crisis. So pessimism is not an enemy of love. Knowing that there is no such thing as

the right person actually helps you to find a good enough person. You know, compatibility is not a precondition of love. Compatibility is the fruit of love. My name is Alain de Botton. I'm a philosopher, psychotherapist, and founder of the School of Life. The playbook for

Botton. I'm a philosopher, psychotherapist, and founder of the School of Life. The playbook for a successful relationship. First of all, the idea of a playbook sounds strange. The idea of a playbook that you need to create to get in a relationship sounds really odd. You think,

"I don't need a playbook. "I just need to head on in there, get a dating app, "and off I go, and a nice new pair of clothes." But isn't it interesting, and wouldn't it be lovely, to have a playbook that would be trying to guide you to acquire the knowledge that you need for love? So the idea that love is a skill rather than an emotion is a strange one,

but I think an absolutely essential one in the worldview that I'm positing. You know, if somebody said, "I'm going to climb Mount Everest or K2," you would say, "Okay, how have you prepared for this?" And you'd be expecting them to show up with ropes, with training programs, with oxygen,

this?" And you'd be expecting them to show up with ropes, with training programs, with oxygen, with specially prepared packs of food. You can get the metaphor. We walk into the mountain of love without sufficient preparation and equipment, and then we're surprised that we routinely tumble off

the mountain and we blame the other person. We say we didn't match the right person. We haven't found our person. We go back on the dating app, and we go ever further to try and find the right person.

our person. We go back on the dating app, and we go ever further to try and find the right person.

Don't get me wrong, dating apps have their role. Sometimes we need to scan and see who's out there and find a person who halfway meets us where we want to be. But once you've found a more or less suitable person, that's when the work begins. And the work is to turn a stranger into somebody that you can understand and who can understand you without bottling it, without panicking,

without throwing them in the bin, without saying, "We can't work this out." If after five weeks in a pleasant mini break in Copenhagen, we suddenly have a conflict. No, the point is you need to stay where you are and try and figure it out. But most people give up too soon. They say, "We can't possibly do this." And they run for the hills, go back on the dating app, and find the next person

with whom they will then try out an equally unfulfilling attempt to match their heart with a stranger's. What we need to do is to start to create right people rather than search for them.

a stranger's. What we need to do is to start to create right people rather than search for them.

And what does that mean to create a right person? It means to work on yourself psychologically and therapeutically so that you understand your script from childhood and do not simply play it out onto innocent person after innocent person, that you take responsibility for the problems that you are bringing into a relationship. At the School of Life, which I founded, an institution that is

dedicated to emotional growth and development, we tell our people that when they honor date with somebody, among the first questions is to ask people playfully, "How are you crazy?" What does that mean? How are you crazy? Why is everybody crazy? They're not necessarily crazy. Well,

that mean? How are you crazy? Why is everybody crazy? They're not necessarily crazy. Well,

all of us have stuff that we need to be on top of. And if your person at dinner says to you, "Yeah, I get the question. Yeah, I've got my crazy. And my crazy is this. My crazy is that. My father,

my mother." This is turning out to be a safe person. If the person goes, "How do you mean?

I can't possibly answer that question. That's rude. You think I'm not right or imperfect." Run

for the hills. Drop it right there and then. I'm exaggerating, but this is probably not a person you should be hanging out with because none of us need or can have perfect partners. But what

we can have and must search for and must try to become is people who know enough about their patterns to be able to warn their prospective partners of what's going on and take averting action. The beginning of therapeutic relationships is to know that two people when entering a couple

action. The beginning of therapeutic relationships is to know that two people when entering a couple are not entering without a lot of history. It is essential that couples learn as much as possible about that history so that they are ready for the challenges and perplexities of love. A therapeutic

relationship requires that each partner get on top of their dynamics, that date back to childhood, and are able to discuss them with relative grace, patience, and insight with their partner so that when problems arise and they will, they can adopt a therapeutic language. It is therapeutic to say,

for example, when there is a conflict, I hear your point of view. It may not be mine, but I hear that it's yours. It is not therapeutic to say, you're wrong, you're an idiot, and you're just like your

it's yours. It is not therapeutic to say, you're wrong, you're an idiot, and you're just like your mother or indeed like your father. This is not therapeutic. I'm kidding, but I'm making a very serious point. Indeed, we do not tend to talk to each other in therapeutically informed language.

serious point. Indeed, we do not tend to talk to each other in therapeutically informed language.

We shout, we scream, we blame, we shape shift, we don't take responsibility. We do all sorts of things that doom us in relationships. And then we stand back and we say, we're surprised. We

are a society that is obsessed with finding the right person without pausing to think, how do I become the right person? How do I work on myself? Understanding that cannot be done simply-- and this is paradoxical-- by being on your own. This is another unbelievable mystery. You can't

understand yourself just by being with yourself. You need other people. Why is that? It's like, why do you need a mirror to see the back of your head? Because we don't have eyes there. We need someone to help us to see the things that are really hard for us to see. And psychotherapy gives us

a forum in which we can come, tell the therapist about what's going on in our lives, explain what happened last Monday, explain what happened when we took that trip to New York or Buffalo, wherever it is, what happened, and then slowly pattern recognition sets in. The therapist is able to go,

it's funny. In that last relationship you did this, this new relationship you're doing that,

it's funny. In that last relationship you did this, this new relationship you're doing that, and you mentioned that your parent did something that sounds kind of similar. So I wonder what's going on. And then slowly, insight comes. We start to put the pieces together. We think,

going on. And then slowly, insight comes. We start to put the pieces together. We think,

I'm up to something. I'm doing something. And that way is liberation. You can start to break the unconscious stories that we're living. Psychotherapy works with this concept known as defenses or defense mechanisms. In other words, these are tools that our minds adopt to try and shield themselves from accurate knowledge of their own workings. And it's going to sound really odd,

like why don't we just embrace self-knowledge with open arms? Why do we need to run away from it? The answer is that knowledge of ourselves is frightening. It's really awful to have to learn

it? The answer is that knowledge of ourselves is frightening. It's really awful to have to learn certain things. It may make us very anxious. It may make us so sorrowful. It may panic us. And so

certain things. It may make us very anxious. It may make us so sorrowful. It may panic us. And so

we push away unwelcome information. I think that we still perhaps can't quite bear how complicated we are. We're very squeamish creatures. We don't like to sit with ourselves. We don't like to sit

we are. We're very squeamish creatures. We don't like to sit with ourselves. We don't like to sit with our emotions. Self-knowledge remains an enormously elusive goal. I think it is the most important goal of life. To understand oneself is literally the meaning of life. The ancient

Greeks knew this, "Know thyself" was the most important command in ancient Greek culture and philosophy. Know thyself, most important thing you could do. If you said nowadays,

philosophy. Know thyself, most important thing you could do. If you said nowadays, in a conversation with friends or colleagues, "What's your goal? "Where are you trying to get to next year? "What are you trying to do?" Say, "Know thyself." People would go, "That's a strange person there. "We don't know about this person." It's not an acceptable goal. We know that

it's good to make money. We know that it's good to travel to foreign countries, to learn how to fry garlic and to learn salsa. It's not particularly esteemed to know yourself. And that's why we wander around strangers to ourselves and therefore enormously confusing. And let's put it frankly, dangerous to other people. Because a person who doesn't understand themselves, if confronted with

their behavior will go, "It wasn't me. I didn't do it. "Or I can't think or ask me tomorrow. "They

can't account for themselves. "They don't know why they do the stuff they do. "They will simply, in a relationship, for example, "bail out of a relationship, going, "It's getting too intense.

"And why? "They don't know. "They don't understand what they themselves are doing." Even though they may have spent five years learning Spanish, they may have taken an advanced degree in Japanese. They may be very active in all sorts of ways. They may have learned pottery. They may be

Japanese. They may be very active in all sorts of ways. They may have learned pottery. They may be holding down a great job in marketing, something. But the point is, they will not have learned the really true constituents of emotional functioning because they've been able to get away with it.

And part of the playbook of becoming a better lover is to dial down your defense mechanisms, to observe them. Typical defense mechanism is to push responsibility onto other people, to say it's your fault. For example, someone tries to tell you something about yourself. Someone says,

"I think that you're a little bit this "when that happens." And rather than going, "Thank you. "Let

me think about that." You go, "Why are you being rude? "Or, "This is not a good time for me." Or,

"I can't absorb this now." In other words, you push away information that might have helped you.

Not because it's false, but because it's difficult to absorb. And that's often what happens to us.

All of us are involved in defense mechanisms. All of us can't quite bear the full truth about ourselves. It helps us to go to psychotherapy. I know that, you know, AIs, you know,

ourselves. It helps us to go to psychotherapy. I know that, you know, AIs, you know, deliver some aspects of therapy. It can be good at points. The good thing about a real human being is that they are not guided just by you. They've got their own independent judgment. And also,

you're in a relationship with them. And that relationship is part of what heals you because the relationship with the therapist is a harbinger of the relationship that you can then take out into the world, a relationship of trust and mutual understanding. This is something that AIs not gonna be able to replace anytime soon. So we need to understand ourselves. We need to understand

the past. And then we need a certain spirit. One of the things that we need in that playbook of

the past. And then we need a certain spirit. One of the things that we need in that playbook of love is a good sense of humor. That could sound superfluous, like, "What on earth?" You know, "Why do we need a sense of humor?" Well, a sense of humor is a modesty about our capacity to understand anything. And if we can signal to our partners that, you know, we're a little stupid.

understand anything. And if we can signal to our partners that, you know, we're a little stupid.

We don't get it. We don't have all the answers. That is a wonderful emollient. It's a wonderful lubricant to love because it just dials down the temperature. If your partner is able to say, "Ah, I may not have understood this. "I may not be getting it. That's brilliant." And if they can make a little joke too, that's great. You know, if two people can learn to see each other as idiots,

but lovable idiots, that's a beautiful moment in love. It could sound negative. It's not. It's

not. It's the most generous thing you can do. We are two blind people helping each other to find a way forward. If that's the spirit in which we can enter love, that is a spirit of generosity, a spirit of mutual forgiveness. Too often we get on our high horses. This is the way it is.

I know the answer. This is what I think. That is not a friend of love. So we need, if you like, a modesty, a humorous modesty. Let me give you another idea. Another thing that we need in order to make love work is a certain degree of pessimism. You know, optimism is the enemy of

love. If we think that we will have a perfect love story, a love story with no ruffles in it, with no

love. If we think that we will have a perfect love story, a love story with no ruffles in it, with no kinks in it, no, it's not going to happen. We need to accept that even a really good relationship has constant moments of crisis. And that's okay. The problem is not crisis. The problem is how do we repair crises? Can we repair them with forgiveness, with understanding, and most of all,

with curiosity? Can we get curious about why we had a bust up? Can we be searching for why

with curiosity? Can we get curious about why we had a bust up? Can we be searching for why our attachment patterns are not compatible? Can we get interested in why we're difficult to love? And

that way will become easier to love. So pessimism is not an enemy of love, knowing that there is no such thing as the right person actually helps you to find a good enough person. You know, a few years ago, I read an essay that went viral. I read it for the New York Times. It was called,

"Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person." Why did that essay go viral? I think it went viral because people all feel... Sorry, let me correct that. Not all people, but many, many people feel that they have married the wrong person. And they panic about this and they feel so ashamed. So

here's an essay in the New York Times that says, "Yeah, we're all going to marry the wrong person."

And you know what? It's okay. You don't need to marry the right person. You need to marry a good enough person. You know, compatibility is not a precondition of love. Compatibility

is the fruit of love. If we get together with someone and we find that there are differences, right? They have one kind of attachment style. We have another. They like golf. We like tennis.

right? They have one kind of attachment style. We have another. They like golf. We like tennis.

They like the curtains to be green. We like the curtains to be yellow. Whatever it is. Too often

in modern romantic dating culture, the answer is get out. Just get out. Find someone else.

Find someone better. And that's why all the technological tools are all about putting new people in front of you. Of course, sometimes you need to find new people. But as much as finding new people, what you need to do is to learn to live with the people who are in front of you, with the people that you found. Many of us have already found a good enough partner. And yet we

throw them in the bin because we are taught by romantic culture that we can always find a perfect person with whom it will click immediately. And this is such a destructive idea. If you think, you know what? The work starts here. The work starts when you have a problem. Then you roll up your sleeves and you think, okay, well, I know that I, you know, broadly think this person is a

nice person. Now we're going to work at making sure that it can work. And so we're going to

nice person. Now we're going to work at making sure that it can work. And so we're going to talk and we're going to take this problem apart. We're going to become like engineers who've got a malfunctioning machine. We're going to sort it out. This sounds unromantic, doesn't it? Imagine,

imagine saying, in order to make my relationship work, every evening I've talked for an hour in really patient ways. You think, oh my God, go to Vegas, find someone easier. Well,

good luck to you. Maybe you'll find that person. But for some of us, especially some of us who've come through difficult relationships, difficult relationships in our past, we may need to go and do that kind of excavation. Maybe that's fine. I think that a good enough person is someone who will engage with the business of working towards compatibility. That they won't assume that you are

wrong just because there are problems. They will know how to repair crises. They will know how to be curious. They will know how to listen. They will know how to be patient. That is compatible

be curious. They will know how to listen. They will know how to be patient. That is compatible with all sorts of problems. Sexual problems, relational problems, administrative problems, doesn't matter. You can work through them. So the wrong person is someone who stonewalls, who always

doesn't matter. You can work through them. So the wrong person is someone who stonewalls, who always blames you, who blanks out, who says, it's not my responsibility, or it was easier with my ex, and why are you so difficult, et cetera. These people are trouble because they are refusing the work of love. So it doesn't matter if you have many, many difficulties. That's okay. The

problem is your attitude to the difficulties. And the solution is an attitude of indulgence, of curiosity, and of calm consideration of the flaws that unite us all. We are all mad monkeys.

And so long as we've been kind towards the mad monkey and all of us, we'll be okay. One of the real problems, and there's simply no solution, but we need to accept that there's a real problem, is how long it takes to work out who we are as lovers, as people interested in relationships, who

we are. It takes so long, and it takes especially long to try and change our patterns. If we are

we are. It takes so long, and it takes especially long to try and change our patterns. If we are somebody who sabotages relationships every time that love comes along, how long is that going to take to unwind this? Well, it takes insight, but then it takes, as it were, work, true work. And

sometimes people go to therapy for six sessions or 12 sessions, and they go, "I haven't changed.

Therapy doesn't work." And let's come back to my earlier example about language. Imagine that you decided middle age, as an English speaker, to pick up Korean or Finnish. And you went to six lessons, and you tried to learn Finnish and Korean. And by the end of six lessons, you could barely ask for, you know, barely say your own name or say hello. And then you blamed it on the whole process,

and you said, "I'm not learning this language. It's rubbish." People would say, "You're being too impatient." And I think that some of the same holds true for rewiring our emotional language. We

too impatient." And I think that some of the same holds true for rewiring our emotional language. We

can't pick this up in six sessions or 50 minutes. It takes a long time. A pattern that was laid down over decades is going to take many, many years to figure it out. It's, I mean, believe me, it's bad news. I wish it weren't so. Can we do anything in the meantime? Yes, of course we can. We can,

news. I wish it weren't so. Can we do anything in the meantime? Yes, of course we can. We can,

you know, we can be learning and walking. We don't have to pause and just sit by the roadside.

We can be starting on the path of relationships. We can be starting from a, you know, relatively young age. But we need to be doing the work alongside, and we need to be able to at least do

young age. But we need to be doing the work alongside, and we need to be able to at least do the first thing, which is to say, "I'm learning. I'm a learner." There's a real difference between someone who goes, "I know it all," and someone who knows that they are still learning. When Socrates,

the ancient Greek philosopher, was asked why he was the wisest person in antiquity, he said, "Because I know what I don't know." In other words, that the birth of true wisdom is associated with the knowledge of your ignorance. I think that's the best way we can proceed also in relation to our love lives. There are lots of questions that we could learn to ask ourselves and

our partners in order to try and find a better relationship. One of them is this. "When I get close to you, how does that feel?" Right? "To open up a window onto some of the complexities that occur when somebody gets close." If I love you, what part of you might worry?

Right? That's a good question. Does any part of you worry? Another really useful question is, "How do I respond when someone is trying to communicate something to me? Do I stonewall or do I accept? Am I able to pause and think the issue might be with me? Or do I always have to go, 'I

I accept? Am I able to pause and think the issue might be with me? Or do I always have to go, 'I can't answer that. It's the other person. You're being unfair. You're putting me under pressure.'

What is your level of emotional dexterity?" So that's a good question to be asking yourself as well. Also, one of the really good questions in any relationship is to say, "How have I annoyed

well. Also, one of the really good questions in any relationship is to say, "How have I annoyed you? How have I frustrated you?" You know, a lot of what happens between couples is there are

you? How have I frustrated you?" You know, a lot of what happens between couples is there are things that are bubbling away beneath the surface that people can't find the courage to say. And

because they can't say them, the problem doesn't improve. The problem gets worse. People can't have sex anymore. A lot of the reason why people can't have sex has got nothing to do with sex. It's to

sex anymore. A lot of the reason why people can't have sex has got nothing to do with sex. It's to

do with the fact they feel disconnected and angry and misunderstood. You can't have sex with someone who you feel misunderstood by or you feel furious with. What helps desire is trust. And the way to build up trust is to communicate, and particularly communicate, ruptures of trust. So if you want to have good sex, don't get a candle, don't go to a hotel, start to ask each other, "Have I annoyed

you? Is there something I've done that you'd like to tell me?" And you say this patiently, not in

you? Is there something I've done that you'd like to tell me?" And you say this patiently, not in the middle of the night when you're stressed or maybe you've drunk too much, but when you're calm, when there's a sense of, you know, lightness and forgiveness, use the right moment to ask the right question. We're living in a world where therapeutic language and insights have spread for

the first time far outside the consulting room. There is mass adoption at a superficial level of therapeutic language. And the area where we find this most obviously is social media and in particular Instagram, which is enormous. It's an enormous force in the world. And it has brought

up a generation, I'd say, to speak in pseudo or vaguely therapeutic terms. I don't mean that as an insult. Some of these insights have been fantastic. People are now able to talk about,

an insult. Some of these insights have been fantastic. People are now able to talk about, let's say, attachment theory, the, you know, the mention of an avoidant attachment theory or an anxious attachment theory in many circles now doesn't create the puzzlement that it was generating 15 years ago. 15 years ago, this was not common knowledge. That was still in the university, in textbooks and in the consulting room. Now it's out in the world. And the medium

that has changed this, as I say, is social media. What's the problem? I'll tell you one of the problems. One of the problems is whose fault it is. The tone of a lot of social media posting blames the problem for the struggles in relationships, fairly and squarely on the partner,

not on yourself. There is an obsession with finding borderline people, narcissistic people, avoidance, anxious people, out in the world. And of course they exist. But the tone is the problem.

The tone says, get out. These are red flags and everybody that you're meeting, the reason why you haven't made a relationship work is because these people are unbalanced psychologically. My answer

is this. If you are looking to find a person with no problems at all, with no psychological disturbances, good luck to you. If you're looking to find somebody with no red flags, good luck to you. Everybody has red flags. That's part of what it means to be human. That's the story of Genesis.

you. Everybody has red flags. That's part of what it means to be human. That's the story of Genesis.

A story of Genesis is Adam and Eve had some red flags. That's what it is to be human being, is somebody with a red flag. So the problem is not the red flag, it's how you deal with it. And

this is what I worry that therapeutic culture on social media doesn't train us to do. It doesn't

train us for patience. It doesn't train us to think we might be the problem. It doesn't ask us to think what we've brought to the situation. It doesn't create an atmosphere of forgiveness.

The reason is very simple. Outrage sells. It's more fun. It feels more spirited. It's punchier

to say that ex of yours, they're the avoidant, they're crazy, they're narcissistic. It sounds

better and it leaves everybody happier. But long term, it's not the solution.