The Untold Tragic Story of Kurt Cobain

On April 5th, 1994, in this house, the world [music] would lose Kurt Cobain.

A man who became the voice of an entire generation.

He was the face of Nirvana, [music] the author of songs known even to those who never listened to rock.

[music] But behind the incredible talent lay pain, addiction, and a deeply destructive hatred toward himself.

Kurt never believed in his own success and refused to acknowledge his talent.

I mean, I think there are at least 10 to 15 other bands who are just as good if if not better than us.

[music] There were nights when, overwhelmed by frustration, he simply smashed his guitar on stage.

He felt unbearably alone.

He resented his parents.

But the most horrifying part was that Kurt Cobain resented himself.

If I'm going to If I'm going to should take some [music] drugs, you know, may as well become a junkie cuz I felt like a junkie every day, you know.

To understand the full extent of his pain, we need to go back to the very beginning.

This is Aberdeen, Washington.

Small industrial town drowned in rain and gray skies, where most people work at sawmills and factories.

The smoke, the noise, and the smell of wood have long become part of the landscape.

There isn't much for young people to do here, except maybe to watch as another batch of freshly cut trees floats down the river.

This is a town built on rules and conservative values.

A man is expected to be strong, work hard all day, then come home, have dinner, watch TV, and go to sleep.

People here [music] don't like change, and they don't welcome outsiders.

If a hippie had shown up in Aberdeen back then, he would have been chased out of town.

And yet, it was here on February 20th, 1967, that a boy with an angelic face and blue eyes was born.

His name was Kurt Cobain.

His parents, Donald Cobain and Wendy Elizabeth, were an ordinary young couple.

Donald worked as a technician at a Chevron plant in a nearby town, and Wendy was a waitress.

Kurt's mother dreamed that her son would grow up in decent conditions, well-fed, well-dressed, and cared for.

Despite their limited budget, she bought him nice clothes, shoes, and even a video camera, a rare and expensive item for that time.

Thanks to that camera, the world can see the childhood of the future rock icon.

A boy surrounded by love and care.

Cobain himself believed his family came from County Cork in Southern Ireland.

He had one younger sister named Kimberly, born on April 24th, 1970.

Cobain's family had a musical background. His maternal uncle, Chuck

background. His maternal uncle, Chuck Fradenburg, starred in a band called the Beachcombers.

His aunt, Mary Earl, played guitar and performed in bands throughout Grays Harbor County.

And his great-uncle Delbert had a career as an Irish tenor, making an appearance in the 1930 film King of Jazz.

Kurt was described as being a happy and excitable, while sensitive and caring child.

His talent as an artist was evident [music] from an early age.

His bedroom was described as having taken on the appearance of an art studio, where he would accurately draw his favorite characters from films and cartoons such as [music] Aquaman, the Creature from the Black

Lagoon, and Disney characters.

This enthusiasm was encouraged by his grandmother, [music] Iris Cobain, who was a professional artist herself.

Cobain began developing an interest in music early in his life.

According to his aunt Mary, he began singing at 2 years old.

At age 4, Cobain started [music] playing the piano and singing, writing a song about their trip to a local park.

He listened to artists like the Ramones and Electric Light Orchestra, [music] and would sing songs like Arlo Guthrie's Motorcycle Song, the Beatles' Hey Jude,

Terry Jacks' Season in the Sun, and the theme song to the Monkees television show.

Like any child, he was a dreamer.

He was always drawing, [music] inventing stories, and to his parents' surprise, began talking to an imaginary friend named Boddah.

And worried his parents in conservative Aberdeen, even rumors like that could become a source of shame.

So, one morning, they told him that Boddah had gone to fight [music] in Vietnam.

Kurt believed them and stopped talking to his friend, but he never forgot him.

Years later, on his final day, he would write a letter addressed to Boddah.

Kurt was a very hyperactive child, which didn't please his parents.

It's normal for kids to be energetic, playing drums, jumping around, but not for them.

They took him to a doctor who prescribed strong psychostimulants.

Some scientists argued it could create dependency and increase the likelihood of future years, while others believed untreated hyperactivity could lead to

self-medication later in life.

One way or another, Kurt became calmer.

But other problems began to grow.

Wendy and Donald started fighting.

Little Kurt would hide in the closet [music] every time he heard their voices raised.

Soon, Wendy filed for divorce.

Don left the house, paying child support.

For him, it was a humiliation. The whole

town would know that his family had fallen apart.

But for Kurt, it was a tragedy.

On the wall of his home, the 9-year-old wrote, "I hate Mom. I hate Dad. Dad

hates Mom. Mom hates Dad."

Later, in an interview, he said, "I had a really good childhood up until I was 9. Then, a classic case of divorce

9. Then, a classic case of divorce really affected me."

Then came the choice, Mom or Dad, who to live with.

Kurt chose his father.

The first few months they lived in a trailer park.

Kurt spent a lot of time with his grandparents, who gave him an old guitar.

He devoted all his time to it.

He joined the school band as a drummer, played sports, tried to be a real man, just like his father wanted.

His father had also promised he wouldn't date anyone else after the divorce.

But, as you can guess, he broke that promise.

Kurt saw every new girlfriend as a threat, until Jenny Westeby.

Kurt liked her because she gave him the motherly warmth he missed.

In January 1979, Jenny gave birth to a boy, Chad Cobain.

This new family, which Kurt insisted was not his real one, stood in stark contrast to the attention he used to get as an only child.

He soon began to resent his stepmother.

Meanwhile, Kurt's mother started dating a man who was abusive.

Kurt witnessed the violence. One day,

his mother ended up in the hospital with a broken arm.

She refused to press charges and stayed with him anyway.

Many believed Wendy stayed because of the financial support he provided.

Kurt couldn't protect his mother.

He pitied her and hated her for making him feel that pity.

His parents had once been his gods.

Now, they were fallen idols.

[music] False deities who could no longer be trusted.

All of this led to Kurt Cobain becoming a closed-off and increasingly aggressive teenager.

He talked back to adults, refused to do chores, and despite his small size, began bullying another boy so relentlessly that the victim refused to come to

class.

Teachers and parents [music] got involved, wondering how such a sweet-looking kid had turned so cruel.

These behaviors eventually caused his father and Westeby to take him to a therapist, who concluded that Kurt would benefit from living in a single-family environment.

Both sides of the family tried to reunite his parents, but it didn't work.

In June 1979, Kurt's mother officially granted full custody to his father.

Unfortunately, things only got worse.

Kurt felt unwanted, more troubled than ever.

By the age of 13 or 14, he had already experimented with illegal substances.

His behavior quickly became too much for his father, who began sending him to live with relatives and friends.

Kurt spent the next few years drifting through what could be called the wilderness of Grays Harbor.

Over the course of 4 years, he lived in 10 different homes with 10 different families, never truly feeling like he belonged anywhere.

Through it all, [music] he held on to one dream, to learn to play the guitar.

He spent several months living with his uncle, Chuck, who began teaching him [music] guitar.

Chuck played in a local band with a guitarist named Warren Mason, one of the most respected musicians in the area.

Chuck was astonished at how quickly Kurt picked things up, convinced the boy would become a great guitarist someday.

But Kurt's interests went beyond [music] music. He also made his own short films,

music. He also made his own short films, one of which, too graphic to describe in detail, was about his own violent death.

The film horrified those around him and only deepened [music] his parents' fears about the darkness they saw growing inside him.

Kurt often talked about things that most [music] teenagers couldn't even imagine.

Violence, death, and self-destruction. [music]

and self-destruction. [music] One afternoon, walking home from school, he told his friend John Fields, "I'm going to be a musician, [music] a really famous one. And I'll go out at my peak, just like Jimi Hendrix."

Fields [music] laughed and said, "That's stupid. Don't say that."

stupid. Don't say that."

Kurt just shrugged and changed the subject.

There was one more thing that defined him. [music] His favorite book, Perfume,

him. [music] His favorite book, Perfume, the Story of a Murderer.

It tells the story of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille, a man born [music] in 18th century France with no personal scent.

A human so invisible that people instinctively [music] recoil from him. Yet, he possesses an extraordinary sense of smell, able to distinguish thousands of fragrances.

Grenouille becomes obsessed with creating the perfect perfume. A scent so powerful it could make others love and worship him.

To achieve it, he kills young women, extracting their essence [music] in search of pure perfection.

In the end, when he finally succeeds, [music] he realizes that even ultimate power can't fill the emptiness inside him.

He remains unloved, unseen, a genius trapped [music] within his own isolation.

I've read Perfume by Patrick Suskind about 10 times in my life, and uh I can't stop reading it. It's like

something that's [music] just stationary in my pocket all the time. It just

doesn't leave me, and every time I'm bored, like I'm on an airplane or something, I read it over and over again.

Cuz I'm a hypochondriac, and it just affects me.

During his second year of high school, Kurt moved back in with his mother in Aberdeen, who by then had finally left [music] her abusive husband.

However, the fights between mother and son didn't stop.

Two weeks prior to graduation, he dropped out of Aberdeen High School upon realizing he did not have enough credits to graduate.

His mother gave him a choice.

Find employment, or leave.

After 1 week, Kurt found his clothes and other belongings packed away in [music] boxes.

Feeling banished from his own mother's home, Kurt stayed with friends, occasionally sneaking back into his mother's basement.

He also claimed during periods of homelessness to have lived under a bridge over the Wishkah River, an experience that inspired the Nevermind track, [music] "Something in the Way".

Something in the way.

[music] be thought of as being complaining in any of these songs. And it turns out that there may be one or two lines in a song here and there that [music] that

could be, you know, could be thought of as something that that [music] relates to my past life, but However, his friend and Nirvana bandmate, Krist Novoselic, disputed

this saying "He hung out there, but you couldn't live on those muddy banks.

[music] With the tides coming up and down, that was his own revisionism."

The real story of where Kurt [music] spent his days and nights during this period was even more touching than the version he later told himself.

His journey began on the porch of Dale Crover, the bassist of the Melvins, where he slept curled up in a refrigerator box like a stray [music] kitten.

When he eventually wore out his welcome and was kicked out, his creativity and resourcefulness didn't fail him.

Aberdeen had plenty of old apartment buildings with central heating in the hallways.

That's where [music] Kurt hid most nights.

He would sneak in late, find a wide corridor, roll out a sleeping bag, fall asleep, and make sure to leave before the residents woke up.

His survival instincts served him well, and his willpower was unbreakable.

After about 4 months living on the streets, Kurt finally returned to live with his father.

It wasn't easy for him.

The very fact that he even considered moving back in with [music] a parent showed how desperate he'd become.

Don and Jenny had heard that Kurt was homeless and eventually found him sleeping on an old couch in a garage just across the alley [music] from Wendy's house.

"At that time, he was very angry at everyone," Jenny later recalled.

"And he wanted people to think that nobody would take him in," which in large part was true.

His next refuge came from the family of his friend, Jesse Reed.

Jesse's parents, [music] kind, religious people, took Kurt in, gave him a room, fed him, and even brought [music] him to church on Sundays.

But what drew him in the most was something else.

The house was filled with instruments and sound equipment.

It was a musician's paradise, the perfect place to live through music.

At the same time, he tried to fit in to a normal life.

He got expelled from school again.

He found a job washing dishes, but quit after cutting his finger and having a panic attack.

"What if this ruins my [music] chances of becoming a guitarist?" he said.

Eventually, he spent most of his time doing nothing, convincing Jesse to skip school so they could hang out all day, drinking and experimenting with drugs.

Kurt's detachment from reality deepened.

One day, after forgetting his key, he broke a window to get back inside.

That was the last straw for the Reeds.

While other kids his age were getting ready for prom and graduation, Kurt was once again searching for [music] shelter.

Biographers often recall the pink apartment, a small room with pink walls in a semi-abandoned house.

[music] It was there, in a haze of chaos and endless jam sessions, that Kurt began writing songs in earnest.

His early lyrics were about isolation.

Later, they grew darker, more biting.

"I'll make an album better than U2," he once said.

The pink apartment era didn't last long.

The rent went unpaid. Once again, Kurt was back to sleeping in cars [music] and on friends' couches.

Still, this time something had changed.

He was finally moving toward his purpose.

In 1983, Kurt saw the Melvins perform in a Montesano parking lot for the first time.

The sound, the energy, the rawness of the crowd, it electrified [music] Among the fans was Krist Novoselic, who already knew Kurt.

That day they found themselves [music] jumping together in the pit.

Later, Kurt would write in his journal, "This is it. This is what I've been looking for."

looking for." He began hanging around the Melvins' rehearsals, often joined by Krist.

[music] The formula was simple. Punk meant

freedom.

Buzz Osborne, the band's frontman, became almost a personal idol for him.

[music] Now, all Kurt needed was his own band.

And that shared dream drew him even closer to Novoselic.

In December 1985, Kurt decided to record his own songs [music] for the first time.

He gathered a few friends from the local scene.

Dale Crover agreed to play bass, and Greg Hokanson, an old buddy, took the drums. They rehearsed in the basement of Kurt's aunt's house, [music] using old

equipment and homemade microphones.

That was the birth of his first real project, Fecal Matter.

[music] Here, for the first time, the raw and painfully honest Kurt Cobain sound emerged.

[music] But Fecal Matter didn't last long.

Still, the band served its purpose.

After it fell apart, Kurt gave the demo tape to Krist Novoselic, who liked what he'd heard and became interested in starting a band together.

They began rehearsing every [music] day.

Kurt on guitar, Krist on bass, with drummers [music] rotating one after another.

Some quit, others were fired.

Between rehearsals, Kurt filled notebooks with lyrics, zoned out in front of the TV, experimented with [music] sounds, and soon he fell in love.

Her name was Tracy Marander.

She later recalled that Kurt was painfully insecure around her, unable to believe that she actually liked him.

But their relationship gave him something he'd been missing, stability and faith.

With Tracy's support, things finally began to fall into place.

Kurt and Krist started playing with a local drummer named Aaron Burckhard in a band that still didn't have a name.

Krist on bass, Aaron on drums, Kurt on guitar and vocals.

It was the incubation period of what would soon become Nirvana, and Kurt's first real experience as the leader of a band.

They rehearsed nearly every [music] night throughout the early months of 1986, until Kurt decided they were finally ready to perform live.

Their first live show turned out to be more of a comedy than a concert.

The band didn't even have a name yet, but they already had a manager.

Ryan Aigner, [music] a friend of a friend who simply called himself one.

He managed to get them a slot at a house party in Raymond, [music] a small town near Aberdeen.

They all piled into a beat-up van, [music] Kurt, Tracy, Krist, Krist's girlfriend Shelly, and Aaron Burckhard.

When they arrived, nobody paid much attention to them.

Kurt nervously tuned his guitar and checked the [music] amps.

He wanted everything to sound powerful.

Meanwhile, the towering Krist [music] Novoselic, nearly 2 m tall, stormed into the bathroom, relieved himself in full view of others, found some fake blood somewhere, and smeared it all over

himself.

When Kurt started playing, Krist, now covered in blood, burst into the room like a maniac.

[music] The first song, Downer.

Silence.

Kurt could hear how awful the sound was.

He looked at Krist, dripping in red, and realized the guy had completely lost it.

[music] Next came an early version of Aero Zeppelin. Again,

Zeppelin. Again, silence.

Crowd wanted Black Sabbath and Metallica covers, but Kurt played his own songs.

Then chaos broke out.

Krist got into an argument with someone, then sprinted and jumped straight out of a window.

By the end of the night, the house was a wreck.

Kurt walked outside, chain smoking in shock.

[music] He felt like a total failure.

When they finally drove off, something strange happened. People from the party

strange happened. People from the party came out to wave goodbye.

They actually liked it.

That chaotic, ridiculous night was the first concert of what would soon become Nirvana.

Kurt thought everything had fallen apart.

In reality, it had just begun.

Word about the crazy band spread quickly through the area, bringing new house parties and [music] small gigs their way.

Soon after, Kurt left Aberdeen to live with Tracy Marander in Olympia.

She worked in a cafeteria, occasionally stealing food to make ends meet. While

Kurt stayed home and helped clean.

Later, when he got a job himself, he no longer had time to help around the house, which led to constant arguments.

Still, Kurt deeply loved Tracy.

In her, he found a kind of nurturing love he'd missed as a child.

Something close to maternal affection.

In 1988, Kurt finally chose a name for the band.

Nirvana.

"Nirvana, that's us. The state of perfection." he said.

perfection." he said.

[music] Their first official show took place at a movie theater in Tacoma.

The flyer was hand drawn by Kurt himself.

The band mostly performed at [music] small underground gigs among other unknown alternative acts, and Kurt didn't even care about the money.

That same year, Nirvana recorded their first demo tape with producer Jack Endino.

Nine and a half tracks. They literally

ran out of tape for the 10th song.

Each cassette included a contact number for booking the band.

[music] One copy landed in the hands of the indie label Sub Pop, and that's where the next chapter begin.

Sub Pop, founded by Bruce Pavitt and Jonathan Poneman, was a small Seattle-based label with almost no money and an uncertain future.

But, they believed in the emerging grunge [music] scene and were deeply connected with local college radio and fanzines.

They hesitated for months before signing Nirvana.

First, they only agreed to release a single, Love Buzz. [music]

The band never received a cent from it.

The track wasn't even sold in stores.

Poneman launched the Sub Pop Singles Club, a subscription service that mailed exclusive vinyl singles to members in limited editions.

Kurt felt cheated, but he had no choice.

Love Buzz, a cover of a song by Shocking Blue, became one of their early live favorites, and marked the real beginning of Nirvana's recording journey.

[music] The Sub Pop Singles Club, however, turned out to be a clever marketing move.

The first pressing of Love Buzz sold out completely, and although the band didn't earn a penny from [music] it, the single sounded impressive, raw, energetic, and fresh.

Local radio stations started playing it, and Kurt was thrilled. For the first time, he could hear his own song on the airwaves.

Sub Pop, seeing the response, [music] finally became interested in the idea of a full-length album. Still didn't offer a contract.

Kurt was fed up. One night, drunk and furious, he showed up at the label's office, banging on the door and shouting they had to give him a deal.

It worked.

Sub Pop offered Nirvana a 3-year contract with tiny advances.

$6,000 for the first year, 12,000 for the second, and 24,000 for the third.

The lineup was now taking [music] shape.

Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, and after several drummer changes, Chad Channing.

Finally, Kurt felt like things were moving forward.

One evening, while Kurt was working on songs for the upcoming album, Tracy looked at him and asked why he never wrote anything about her.

Kurt didn't answer. He just stood up, walked into the other room, picked up his guitar, and returned a few minutes later with a new melody.

He sat down and started playing About a Girl, a song entirely inspired by their relationship.

"Who's it about?" Tracy asked with a small smile.

"No one." Kurt replied softly, "Just made it up." He never admitted that it was written for her.

By the end of 1988, Nirvana began recording their debut album, Bleach.

Kurt got the idea for the title from an AIDS awareness poster that read, "Bleach your works before you get stoned."

The album included Love Buzz, About a Girl, and around a dozen other tracks, but the release was delayed.

Sub Pop had no money left.

Help came from guitarist Jason Everman, who covered the studio costs in exchange for being credited on the album, even though he didn't play a note on it.

Kurt was furious. "Everything's falling

apart." he complained, growing disillusioned with the label.

But eventually, in 1989, Bleach was released. The cover featured one of

released. The cover featured one of Tracy's photographs, printed as an inverted negative. A haunting image that

inverted negative. A haunting image that perfectly mirrored the album's contrast between dark, heavy songs and unexpectedly melodic hooks.

[music] The album resonated with college audiences. Nirvana started getting

audiences. Nirvana started getting airplay on campus radio, and Sub Pop sent them on tour.

The word tour, though, was generous.

They traveled in beat-up vans, shared rides with other underground bands, slept on floors, and lived off gas station food.

The fan base grew, but the money didn't.

What little they earned went straight to fuel.

Sub Pop didn't cover travel or living expenses, which drove Kurt mad.

Even after the tour began, their distribution was so poor [music] that they rarely found Bleach in record stores.

On top of that, Kurt began suffering from [music] excruciating stomach pains.

He was constantly nauseous, relying on painkillers just to get through the shows. [music]

shows. [music] Still, they went ahead with a European tour.

Journalists started writing small features about Nirvana, praising their raw energy and the strange charisma of their frontman.

But on stage, Kurt's instability [music] began to show.

One night, after fighting with the sound issues, he climbed onto a speaker, screamed [music] into the crowd that he was going to kill himself.

The audience cheered, thinking it was part of the act.

Krist watched from across the stage, terrified [music] that Kurt might actually jump and break his neck.

In the end, he didn't. He only smashed his guitar to pieces.

The tour was brutal.

Kurt was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

And the constant stomach pain only worsened his mood.

He became convinced that the label was trying to destroy them.

All that frustration spilled out onto drummer Chad Channing.

At the same time, his personal life was falling [music] apart.

Back home, Tracy was waiting.

Kurt told her they should take a break, that he needed space.

But during the tour, [music] he slept with another girl, and later confessed it to Tracy.

That confession ended everything.

[music] The girl who had believed in him from the very beginning, the one who held his life together when he had nothing, finally walked away.

Soon after, Chad Channing also left, or rather, he was fired.

He understood what that meant. Their

friendship, like the band's first chapter, was over.

Replacing Chad was Dave Grohl, [music] recommended by Buzz Osborne.

After just a couple of rehearsals, it became clear. This was the drummer who

became clear. This was the drummer who would turn Nirvana into a fully recognizable force.

And replacing Tracy was Tobi Vail.

Yes, Kurt admitted he'd been unfaithful, but he didn't consider it necessary to tell her about something even more painful.

That he had fallen in love with someone else.

The new focus of his affection was a 20-year-old member [music] of the punk band Bikini Kill.

Kurt began seeing Tobi while he was still living with Tracy.

Later, he finally confessed everything to Tracy, who furiously replied, "If you lied about that, you lied about everything."

everything." Kurt had known Tobi for 2 years, but only in early 1990 did he finally have the chance to [music] spend an entire evening with her.

The next day, he told his friend Dylan that he had met the first woman who made him so nervous that he actually threw up.

He later put that feeling into the song "Aneurysm".

Tobi had a much more casual view of relationships [music] than Kurt did.

She wasn't looking for a husband, and she certainly didn't treat him in a nurturing, motherly [music] way.

What Kurt desperately sought in a relationship was a sense of family, the kind of emotional [music] closeness he'd been missing since childhood.

But Toby rejected the traditional committed relationship he wanted.

Meanwhile, Krist Novoselic started dating Kathleen Hanna, a member of the same band, Bikini Kill.

At one party, she grabbed a can of spray paint and wrote on a wall, "Kurt smells like teen spirit."

Kathleen was teasing Kurt because he smelled like Toby's deodorant.

Eventually, that phrase stuck in his mind as firmly as an advertising slogan.

These relationships would soon lead to irreversible heartbreak.

That moment came in November 1990, when Toby told Kurt she had decided to end things.

Cobain was devastated. He could barely stand up.

No one had ever broken up with him before, and he took it incredibly hard.

They'd been together for less than 6 months, a short, casual relationship, but Kurt had spent the entire time hoping it would grow into something deeper.

After the breakup, [music] he became more withdrawn and sullen than ever.

He filled an entire notebook with stream-of-consciousness rants, dark, bitter, and painful.

To cope with the heartbreak, [music] he turned to writing, painting, and music.

His pain poured directly into new songs.

Those songs would become "Drain You", "Lounge Act", and "Lithium".

[music] [music] [music] "Lithium" had originally been written before Toby, [music] but over time, the lyrics evolved, eventually reflecting her.

[music and singing] The line, "I'm so ugly, that's okay cuz so are you", is incredibly deep and heartbreaking.

Krist Novoselic [music] once said in an interview, "He talked about how ugly he thought he was all the time.

[music] I remember one day he looked in a mirror and almost shed a few tears because he was so uncomfortable in his own [music] skin.

This photo was one of the only ones he's ever liked of himself.

He told me he liked it because he thought he looked good."

Kurt rarely looked at a photo of himself and felt he was attracted.

He kept that photo in his wallet for a while, I think.

[music] He was proud of it.

That fall, one central theme dominated his work.

Hatred [music] toward himself and toward others.

All of that anger would later explode in "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

He wrote the [music] song after breaking up with Toby, and as you can guess, there are lines about her in it, even though Kurt never said it directly.

One of them is, "She's overboard and self-assured."

self-assured." In his journal, a new heroin appeared.

Something that made him feel sick, just like the relationship with Toby once did.

He developed a destructive dependency, one he had once feared.

Novoselic warned him that it was extremely dangerous and that he should avoid it, but Kurt ignored the warning.

Tracy, surprisingly, forgave him.

They still hung out sometimes, and when he admitted that he'd become dependent on a heavy substance, she was shocked.

Kurt told her that it helped him to be more social, but in reality, it only made his stomach condition worse.

"Every time I swallowed a piece of food, I felt a torturous, burning, nauseating pain in the upper part of my stomach", he wrote in his journal.

1991 became a turning point for Nirvana.

They signed a deal with Geffen Records for $287,000 and began preparing a new album, which received the title "Nevermind".

For Kurt, the name worked on several levels.

It was a metaphor toward life. It was

grammatically incorrect, [music] merging two words into one, and it came from "Smells Like Teen Spirit", which was becoming the most talked about song of the sessions.

As a single, they chose "Teen Spirit", which was released on September 10th.

[music] In the future, Kurt would absolutely hate this song. [music]

Two weeks later, the now legendary album came out.

On the Billboard 200, it debuted at number 144, then rose to number 109.

[music] And a month after that, it reached number one.

Kurt fulfilled the bold claim he once made back in the pink apartment.

"I'll make an album better than U2 and R.E.M."

R.E.M."

With "Nevermind", the band broke out far beyond Seattle and [music] became a worldwide phenomenon.

Kurt was no longer just a musician.

He became the voice of an entire generation, the voice of those lost, angry, [music] brutally honest teenagers who had never had a hero until he appeared.

Nirvana became the symbol of grunge and Kurt its face.

Although the band publicly denied their success, saying they didn't deserve it.

I think [music] I think there are at least 10 to 15 other bands who are just as good if if not better than us.

But along with worldwide fame came a turning point in his personal life.

Courtney Love entered the picture.

Their first meeting happened even before 1991, [music] a year earlier.

It was after a concert when Cobain noticed Courtney.

He knew she was a singer, the frontwoman of the band Hole, and he had already seen her in the film "Sid and Nancy".

Their introduction began with a scuffle.

Courtney jokingly hit Kurt, and a spark ignited between them instantly.

The next year, they kept crossing paths, flirting, but nothing more happened until one moment changed everything.

One day, Courtney flew to Chicago to visit her boyfriend, Billy [music] Corgan, only to find him with another woman.

That incident ended their relationship, and she shifted her attention [music] toward Kurt.

After one of Nirvana's shows, she walked up to him and sat on his lap.

Everyone around immediately understood they were now a couple.

Cobain felt that Courtney understood the kind of darkness he had gone through.

Tracy, despite her unwavering love, always had a safety net, a family that accepted her even when she made wild decisions, like dating a punk rocker from Aberdeen.

Kurt had tried everything to make Toby love him, [music] but their paths were so different that she couldn't understand his nightmares, let alone the reasons behind his dependence. [music]

Courtney, however, knew the gelatinous taste of government cheese handed out with food stamps.

She knew what it was like to tour in a van, scraping together money for gas.

And through her time working as a dancer, she had reached a level of degradation and survival [music] that very few ever experienced.

They later joked that their bond formed because of substances.

The real connection was deeper than a shared desire to escape reality.

It was the fact that both Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain had something they were running [music] from.

Many later accused Courtney of making his dependence worse, but that wasn't true.

Long before Courtney, Cobain had already decided to use regularly.

In his journal, he once wrote, "When I returned from our second European tour with Sonic Youth, I decided to take strong medication daily because of the constant stomach pain I had suffered for the past 5 years, which had literally

brought me to the point where I no longer wanted to live."

"Many times, I was literally bedridden for weeks, nauseous, starving. So, I

decided if I already feel like someone dependent, I might as well be one."

If I'm going to [music] I'm going to should take some drugs, you know.

May as well become a junkie cuz I felt like a junkie every day, you know.

Beginning of 1992, Cobain's dependence had reached the point where his usual dose no longer affected him.

Like many people struggling with addiction, he had to increase his daily intake just to avoid withdrawal symptoms. One day, he went too far [music] and arrived to perform on Saturday Night

Live already heavily impaired.

Kurt looked terrible. His skin was pale.

His latest attempt at dying his hair turned it into the color of raspberry jam, [music] and he stepped onto the stage just moments after vomiting backstage.

But as often happened in his life, when he was backed into a corner, he responded with a remarkable performance.

However, what happened at the end became a true catharsis.

They opened with "Territorial [music] Pissings" against the producer's wishes, and finished by destroying their instruments.

Kurt began the assault by stabbing his guitar into an amplifier.

Grohl knocked over his drum kit, and Krist tossed drums into the air.

It was, of course, partially staged, but the anger and frustration behind it were very real.

[screaming] When the credits rolled, Kurt and Krist kissed French style.

Cobain later claimed the kiss was his idea, meant to provoke the rednecks and homophobes back in Aberdeen.

But in truth, he refused to go out for the final bow until Krist dragged him onto the stage.

"I went right up to him," Krist recalled, "grabbed him and shoved my tongue into his mouth, kissing him. I

just wanted to cheer him up.

At the end of it all, I told him, 'Everything's going to be okay.'"

Despite just winning over the last remaining part of America's youth who hadn't already fallen in love with him, Kurt didn't feel victorious.

He felt, as usual, like garbage.

In his journal, he wrote, "People think of me as a wasted, yellow-skinned zombie-looking disgusting addict.

A lost cause on the verge of death.

Self-destructive. Selfish pig.

A loser who gives himself a shot backstage just seconds before performing."

performing." That's how he imagined [music] others saw him. His internal dialogue was even

saw him. His internal dialogue was even darker, summarized by a line that appears repeatedly in his writings, "I hate myself and I don't want to be here."

His relationships within the band were also deteriorating.

He demanded a new contract where he would receive a larger share than Krist and Dave, who felt betrayed.

They agreed, believing refusing would destroy the band.

In the end, the money itself caused less harm than [music] the way Kurt treated them.

Like in most conflicts, he avoided problems until [music] he exploded in anger.

Some crew members were shocked to hear how harshly Kurt spoke about [music] Krist, one of the most important people in his life.

For a short time, Kurt stopped using. He

spoke in interviews about how harmful and pointless it was, and told his sister Kim never to touch such things.

Sobriety didn't last. His stomach pain [music] was so severe that he saw only one way to cope, returning to substances.

The only thing that genuinely made him happy was that he and Courtney were expecting a child.

One day, while heavily impaired, they went for a walk and came across a dead bird.

Kurt pulled three feathers [music] from it and handed one to Courtney, keeping two in his hand.

"This one's for you. This one's for me," he said. Then, taking the third feather,

he said. Then, taking the third feather, he added, [music] "And this one's for our baby who will be born."

born." She laughed, later recalling it as the moment she first truly fell in love with him.

They worried that their lifestyle might affect the baby's health, but everything went well, and on August 18th, 1992, the couple welcomed their daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.

When Courtney went into labor, Cobain was in another hospital room.

His rehabilitation was not going well.

He couldn't keep food down, spent most of his time either [music] asleep or vomiting.

He missed the birth.

Courtney came to him shouting that he couldn't leave her to go through it alone.

He woke up, [music] saw his newborn daughter. For a moment, he was genuinely

daughter. For a moment, he was genuinely happy.

But that happiness didn't last.

Vanity Fair published an article claiming [music] that Courtney had used dangerous substances during her pregnancy, even though she had done the opposite.

She took her pregnancy seriously and carefully, and as a result, Frances was born completely healthy.

The next day, Kurt fled the detox [music] unit, got a hold of the very thing he'd been trying to escape from, used it, and then returned [music] carrying a gun.

He went to Courtney's room and reminded her of a promise they'd made to each other.

If, for some reason, they ever lost their child, they would not [music] continue living.

Both feared that Frances could be taken away from them, and Kurt feared he would never be able to break free from [music] his dependency.

He swore he wouldn't accept that fate.

Courtney was furious and terrified because of the magazine article, [music] but she did not want to follow through with that vow.

She tried to persuade Kurt, but he was losing control, overwhelmed by fear.

Based entirely on that false story, a wave of public outrage erupted [music] with calls for them to lose custody of their daughter.

In the end, the court decided they could keep Frances, but only under constant [music] supervision from a nanny.

Kurt once again tried to quit.

Whenever he stopped long enough to get through [music] the physical withdrawal, he would swing to the opposite emotional extreme, expressing disgust and hatred toward himself for becoming dependent in the first place.

In his journal, he admitted that he had used for reasons beyond stomach pain.

Yet in interviews, he claimed he had no stomach issues anymore.

It's gone. I I

finally have been prescribed the right stomach medicine [music] after 6 years of being in constant pain. Um finally, within I

constant pain. Um finally, within I haven't had a stomach problem for [music] like over a year now.

As you can guess, after some time, things returned to the way they were.

[music] His attempts never lasted long.

Despite everything, Kurt didn't abandon music. He began writing songs for the

music. He began writing songs for the new album, many of them about his family, both the one he grew up in and the one he had just started.

Considering his father's influence and the emotional wounds tied to him, [music] Don became a central figure in these lyrics.

In Serve the Servants, you can hear lines like, [music] "I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad."

[music] One day in Seattle, Don managed to get backstage and seek Kurt, but his son didn't want to talk to him.

Kurt told him to get lost, [music] even though they hadn't seen each other in 8 years.

For this song, Kurt wrote an extensive annotation for the album notes. [music]

He said, "I guess this song is for my father, who is incapable of communicating on a level of love that I've always expected.

In my own way, I decided to let him know that I don't hate him. I simply have nothing to say to him, [music] and I don't need a father-son relationship with someone I don't want to spend a boring Christmas with.

In other words, I love you, I don't hate you, I just don't want to talk to you."

And in another letter, he wrote that while growing up, he didn't just resent his father, but his mother as well.

"Every time my mom talked trash about you, I let her know that I didn't buy into it, and how pointless I thought it was.

I never took [music] your side or hers, because while I was growing up, I equally resented both of you."

He also wrote about how deeply he loved Frances. [music]

Frances. [music] "I swear that if I ever end up in a situation like the one you were in, I will fight to the death to keep the right to care for my child.

I will do everything I can to remind [music] her that I love her more than I love myself.

Not because it's a father's duty, but because [music] I want to, out of love."

Come on.

Come on.

Frances. Frances.

Frances.

Frances.

We have some old home movies, super-8 stuff. I got to show you that stuff.

stuff. I got to show you that stuff.

It's pretty funny.

As time passed, Kurt isolated himself more and more.

He stayed in his room, refusing to let anyone in.

He experienced moments where he was on the edge emotionally, and his relationship with Courtney escalated into physical altercation.

One night, Courtney called the police because of an argument.

When officers arrived, she told him they had been arguing about firearms in [music] the house.

She had thrown a glass of juice at him, and he pushed her in response.

According to the police report, [music] Cobain pushed Love to the floor and began choking her, leaving a scratch.

Yet in interviews, he insisted that everything between them was fine.

so fast. I think, you know, I was I really was a lot more negative and and angry and everything else a few years ago but that was that had a lot to do with

not having not having a mate, you know, not having a a steady girlfriend and stuff like that. So, I

you know, that was one of the main things that was that was bothering me that I wouldn't admit at the time, you know. So, now that I've found that,

know. So, now that I've found that, the world seems a lot better for some reason.

September 21, 1993, Nirvana released their new album, In Utero.

[music] Originally, Kurt wanted to give the album a provocative title connected to self-destruction, but Krist convinced him to choose something [music] else.

They eventually settled on In Utero, a phrase taken from one of Courtney's poems. If Nevermind was largely about Toby, then In Utero was about Don, Courtney,

and Frances.

[music] [music] Another major moment was Nirvana's MTV Unplugged performance.

Many of you probably remember that legendary [music] night.

On the day of the show, he was experiencing severe withdrawal [music] symptoms. There was no rehearsal. Kurt simply lay on a couch complaining about how awful he felt.

Someone managed to get him pain medication so he could at least perform.

He was extremely nervous and afraid to go on stage.

His expression [music] was grim, almost funeral-like, which matched the eerie stage setup designed to look like a dark funeral [music] mask.

With his stern face and slightly red eyes, Kurt still looked beautiful.

He wore his famous Mr. Rogers sweater, and even though he hadn't washed his hair in a week, he looked incredibly young.

[music and singing] Despite the show becoming one of the most iconic performances in music history, Kurt refused to accept any praise afterward.

When someone told him he had played guitar beautifully, he snapped back, insisting he was a terrible [music] guitarist.

[singing] [music] In early January, Kurt and [music] Courtney moved into their new house on Lake Washington Boulevard East, in fashionable Denny Blaine, one of the

oldest and most prestigious neighborhoods in Seattle.

Their home stood on a hill above the lake, surrounded by luxurious waterfront [music] estates and grand early 20th century mansions.

It was there that the tragic event we've been slowly approaching would take place because it was now [music] 1994.

Yeah, you can't buy happiness. I mean,

that made me happy for a little while.

The beginning of '94 started with sad news.

Kurt's grandmother, Iris Cobain, became seriously ill.

She was one of the few relatives he truly [music] loved.

Against this bleak backdrop, he even grew a bit closer to his father.

One of their conversations ended with warm words. "I love you, son."

warm words. "I love you, son."

"I love you, too, Dad."

The end of that [music] call, Kurt invited his father to come see the new house when he got back from tour.

When Don hung up, Kurt cried.

But in his personal life and career, [music] real chaos was unfolding.

Kurt felt worse than ever.

His use of substances increased.

While on the European tour, he saw fans who were also struggling with the same destructive habit, and it upset him deeply.

He wanted to [music] end the tour and break up the band.

He also wanted to divorce Courtney.

And in Rome, he made his first [music] serious attempt to end everything.

In the Italian capital, he finally reunited with Courtney [music] and Frances.

They spent some time together, but then happened what Courtney feared most.

When she woke up at 6:00 in the morning, she found Kurt lying on the floor, pale as a ghost, with blood coming [music] from one nostril.

She also found a note Kurt had written before the incident. "Dr. Baker says, like Hamlet, I must choose between [music] life and death."

The rest of the letter was about how sick he'd felt on tour and how Courtney didn't love him anymore. [music]

He underlined that point by accusing his wife of being involved with Billy Corgan, whom he'd always been jealous of.

In one of their conversations that week, she had mentioned that Corgan invited her on a trip. She refused, but Kurt perceived it as a threat, [music] and his vivid imagination spiraled out of control.

"I'd rather end it all than go through another divorce." Here, referring to his

another divorce." Here, referring to his parents' [music] breakup.

And even though he had come dangerously close to death and spent 20 hours in [music] a coma, he still felt a strong pull to go back to the same pattern.

Everyone tried to talk to him, [music] using every possible approach to steer him onto a safer path.

But nothing really worked.

After several more frightening episodes tied to his addiction, he did agree [music] to seek treatment again.

Seemed like finally Kurt understood he couldn't go on living like this.

But then, something strange happened.

He asked his friend Dylan to buy him a gun for protection and because of burglars, since the police had confiscated all his other weapons after domestic disputes with Courtney.

Dylan believed him and bought him a 20-gauge Remington Model 11 shotgun.

After the purchase, Kurt went to a treatment center in LA, but stayed there only a couple of days.

He managed to slip out through the back exit, climbing over a 6-ft wall.

Then he bought a plane ticket back to Seattle.

He couldn't reach Courtney during [music] that time, but left her a voicemail saying he had called. In the

following days, she would desperately try to find him.

But at that very moment, Kurt was already on the plane, having decided he wanted to end everything.

Back at the rehab center, he had written a farewell letter. It read, "You know that I love you. I love Frances. Forgive

me. Please don't follow me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He wrote the word sorry over and over, filling almost an entire page with the plea.

"I'll be there," he went on. "I'll

protect you. I don't know where I'm going.

I just can't be here anymore."

This letter was hard enough to write, [music] but he knew that the second message would be just as important, and he had to be extremely careful with his words.

He addressed it to Boddah, the name of his imaginary childhood friend.

He wrote in tiny, deliberate letters, following a straight line, but ignoring the usual margins.

He formed each word methodically, making sure everything was clear and easy to read.

Upon returning home, he finished writing the letter.

There was still a small space left.

He placed the paper on the linoleum floor. He had to write in large letters,

floor. He had to write in large letters, which came out uneven because of the surface beneath him.

"Please live, Courtney, for Frances, for her life, which will be much happier without me. I love you. I love you."

without me. I love you. I love you."

These final words, written larger than all the rest, completed the page.

He placed the note on top of a mound of soil and pushed the pin through the middle of it, so that it held the paper upright like a small stand.

On April 5th, 1994, at just 27 years old, Kurt Cobain's life came to an end.

[music] A tragic final chapter in his own story.

Three days later, an electrician named Gary Smith arrived at the Cobain residence.

He rang the doorbell several times, but no one [music] answered.

Then he noticed a car parked in the garage next to the house and assumed the family might be inside the garage with the greenhouse [music] located directly above it.

Smith checked the garage and then walked up the stairs [music] to the greenhouse.

Through the glass door, he saw a body and initially assumed someone was asleep. But as he looked [music] closer,

asleep. But as he looked [music] closer, he saw blood.

That was how Kurt Cobain was discovered.

Soon police, journalists, and fans gathered outside the home.

[music] His mother, Wendy, would tell reporters, "Now he's gone and joined that stupid club.

I told [music] him not to join that stupid club."

stupid club." Kurt Cobain's passing became [music] a tragedy not only for Nirvana fans, but for an entire generation that grew up with his music.

There would be no official funeral. His

body was cremated, but two memorials [music] were held.

The first was a public gathering at Seattle Center, where more than 7,000 people came to grieve.

The second was private, held in a church.

Band members, producers, [music] friends, Courtney, and even his father, Don Cobain, were there.

If we try to summarize Kurt Cobain's life, we would say this.

He wasn't driven by the courage [music] to be himself, but by desperation.

When you finally allow yourself to be who you truly are, you can't really fail.

People love you for who you are.

But for him, that never mattered.

No matter how much others loved him, he simply didn't love himself enough.

And I want to end [music] this video with the words of Krist Novoselic, who once reflected on the phenomenon of Kurt Cobain.

"Kurt had an ethic toward his fans that came from punk rock thinking.

There are no special rock bands. There

are no great musicians. If you've got a guitar and a big soul, just hit something and remember, you're a superstar.

Bring in tones and rhythms that are universally human.

Music. Use your guitar like a drum, for crying out loud.

[music] Just feel the rhythm and let it pour out of your heart.

That's the level where Kurt spoke to us.

In our hearts. [music]

And that's where that music will always remain forever."

remain forever." Rest in peace, Kurt [music] Donald Cobain.