Think Faster, Talk Smarter with Matt Abrahams

raise your hand if you have recently had

to introduce yourself or make small talk

yes that is what today is all about how

to speak better in the moment my hunch

is for many of you introducing

yourselves and making small talk at some

points was challenging it's awkward it

can be uncomfortable so today I want to

talk about how we can think faster and

talk smarter in those moments where

we're put on the spot to think and act

quickly we all know that speaking in

planned

situations presentations pitches

meetings with agendas can be hard but it

can be much harder to speak in the

moment and if you think about it most of

our communication happens in the moment

it's things like making a toast

answering questions giving feedback

introducing yourself answering questions

these are the things that can be very

challenging for us so today I'd like to

walk you through a methodology that I

developed in service of needs of our

students here at

Stanford many years ago the Deans came

to me and said we have a problem the

problem is this our very bright Stanford

MBA students are struggling to answer

those cold call questions from their

professors you remember back here when

people would say what do you think and

you had to respond

so I did a deep dive into research in

Psychology anthropology sociology

improvization neuroscience and came up

with a methodology now that all Stanford

mbas within the first three weeks of

their time here have an opportunity to

take and it turns out it helps them feel

more comfortable and confident not just

answering questions but in standing up

in class and giving a position and many

other situations that they find

themselves in when they leave here

interviewing for jobs giving feedback to

employees Etc so today is going to be

not just listening to me but it's going

to be

participative and we're going to start

it's not hard some of you looking at

each other going oh no what's he going

to make me do pretty simple I'd like you

all to read this sentence and what's

more important to me than the meaning of

the sentence is I'd like for you to

count the number of FS the letter F how

many FS do you find I'll give you three

or four seconds to do it keep the answer

quiet to yourself how many

FS I wish my MBA students were as quiet

and thoughtful as you are right

now all

right all right raise your hand if you

found three FS how many found three

excellent very good anybody find four ah

anybody found five how about six there

are six FS what two-letter word ending

in f did many of us

Miss so why do I do this activity I have

done this in every Workshop every

keynote I ever deliver

why because this is an exact analogy of

what we're going to be doing here today

many of us miss little things that make

a big difference in our

communication now the other reason I do

this is 14 years ago when I first saw

this I found three I felt really stupid

and I like to pass that

that's so we're going to identify little

things that make a big difference

difference to make us more effective in

our spontaneous speaking so I want to

introduce you to a six-step methodology

that we can use to become better at

speaking in the moment and the six steps

divide into two categories mindset and

messaging the first step has to do with

managing anxiety taming the anxiety

Beast most people get nervous speaking

in spontaneous situations in fact most

people get nervous speaking in any high

stake situation we have some research

that says upwards of 85% of people feel

nervous in high stake situations and I

think the other 15% are lying so let me

ask you this how do you feel when you

watch a nervous speaker present now I

know a few of you probably like watching

people suffer but most of us don't how

does it feel just shut out how do how do

you feel when you see a nervous speaker

present okay so

uncomfortable empathetic and I heard

some people say I actually feel an

anxious myself I call that secondhand

anxiety so if for no other reason we

should learn to manage our anxiety so

our audience can focus on us and not be

distracted so when it comes to managing

anxiety we have to take a two-pronged

approach we have to manage both symptoms

and

sources symptoms are the things that we

physiologically experience what goes on

in our body and sources are the things

that initiate or exacerbate that

anxiety so I'd like i' like to hear from

some of you what happens for you when

you get nervous when you're put on the

spot I'll start I blush and I perspire

what happens for some of you my mouth

goes mouth goes dry I call this Plumbing

reversal what's normally dry gets wet

and what's normally wet gets dry so you

get sweaty Palms but dry mouth really

weird right what else happens my brain

goes yeah you freeze you can't remember

what to say what else happens please

heart yeah you feel your heart pounding

right some of us get shaky these are

normal and natural responses to

anxiety your body sees speaking in the

moment as being under threat and it

invokes the fight ORF flight response

and these are normal and natural

responses but there are things we can do

to address these now allow me to share a

few with you the first and best thing

you can probably do is to take a deep

belly breath the kind of breath you

would take if you've ever done yoga or

or taii or chiong a deep belly breath

and what's interesting is it's the

exhale that's more important than the

inhale so my rule of thumb or shall I

say my rule of lung is you want your

exhale to be twice as long as your

inhale and if you take two or three of

these deep belly breaths you'll actually

reduce the rapid heart rate the rapid

breathing that causes you to speak

faster and you'll feel calmer so before

you walk into a room where you think you

might be asked for feedback or you know

questions are coming or before you

unmute on that Zoom take this deep belly

breath and it will

help now if you get dry mouth and you

know you're going into a situation where

you might have to speak in the moment

drink some warm water suck on a Loz or

chew some gum obviously you don't want

to do that while you're in the midst of

speaking but that will help reactivate

those salivary glands if you're like me

and you blush and you perspire hold

something cold in the palms of your hand

the palms of your hand are Thermo

Regulators for your body just like your

forehead or the back of your neck if

you've ever had a fever and you put a

cold compress on your head to cool down

because your heart rate is going up

because your body tenses when you're

stressed you have more blood going

through tighter tubes your blood

pressure goes up and that causes you to

get hotter it's like you're

exercising so we can reduce the sweating

and the blushing by cooling ourselves

down in fact before I start Ed speaking

today I was holding a cold bottle of

water to help so these are some of the

things we can do to manage our symtoms

of anxiety if I didn't talk about a

symptom you have there are resources

I'll share at the end of the talk that

can help you find ways to manage your

anxiety now there's another side too we

have to think about sources sources are

the things that initiate or exacerbate

our anxiety there are many let me talk

about

one many of us are made nervous by the

goal of what we're trying to achieve

when we

communicate my students want to get a

good grade the entrepreneurs I coach

want to get funding you might want to

get a new job or you might want to get

your project supported so what makes you

nervous is the fact that you might not

achieve that goal in other words what's

making you nervous is a potential

negative future

outcome so how do we short circuit that

we become very present oriented because

if you're in the moment

by definition you're not worried about

the future so how do we get present

oriented one way is to do something

physical walk around the building before

you go in for that job interview another

way is to listen to a song or a playlist

just like athletes do you can do what I

do I get present oriented by talking to

people before I got up here on stage I

was talking with many of you that helps

me get present oriented I can't engage

in a conversation and be thinking about

what might go wrong in my presentation

or Q&A

session start at 100 and count backwards

by

17s that'll get you present oriented I

know I'm in front of a crowd that's

trying the first one's easy 83 the next

one's hard my favorite way to get

present oriented is to say tongue

twisters you can't say a tongue twister

right and not be in the present moment

some of you are going uhoh that's right

I'm going to ask you to say my favorite

tongue twister I said this tongue

twister right before I walked out here

it warms me up and it gets me present

oriented many of us assume that we can

just go from Silence to Brilliance

without warming up our voices but you

know if you've ever played a sport or

exercised or played a musical instrument

you should warm up

first so let's try it my favorite tongue

twister takes 5 Seconds to say has three

phrases and if you say one of the

phrases wrong you'll say a naughty word

so I'm listening to here okay let's try

it repeat after me I slit a sheet

SL she a sheet I slit a she I slit and

on that slitted sheet I

sit excellent nobody said that naughty

word and I'm sure you all know what it

is so by managing our anxiety both

symptoms and sources we prepare

ourselves to be better when we speak in

the

moment the second step in our process

has to do with maximizing

mediocrity we get in our own way I have

the audacity in front of my Stanford MBA

students on the first day of class to

say maximize

mediocrity their jaws drop they've never

been told to be

mediocre but why do I recommend this it

boils down to this we are the biggest

impediment to our ability to speak

spontaneously in the moment we get in

our own way and we do it through all the

judging and evaluating that we do of the

material that we're thinking about

saying we get in our head here's why

this is problematic think of your brain

as a computer this is not a Perfect

Analogy but for this point it works you

know on your laptops or your phones when

you have a lot of apps and windows open

how the performance of each one of those

is a little less good because the others

are

open that's because the bandwidth is

less the same is true with your brain

when I am evaluating and judging

everything I'm saying as I'm saying it I

have less cognitive bandwidth to focus

on what I'm actually saying so when we

are evaluating ourselves as we're

speaking we're doing ourselves a

disservice now be very clear I am not

saying you should never judge or

evaluate your speaking you should but we

can turn the volume down a little bit to

give us more resources so we can be more

present and be more effective in what

we're saying so the true sentence that I

tell my students at the end I start with

maximize mediocrity and then I end the

class by saying maximize mediocrity so

you can achieve greatness if you give

yourself permission just to answer the

question just to give the feedback just

to have the small talk then you put

yourself in a position to do it very

well but when I say to myself I have to

give the right answer the best feedback

I need to be the most interesting in

small talk it reduces the likelihood

that you'll do those well so Step One is

manage anxiety step two is turn down

that volume on that mental observation

and evaluation we're doing and that puts

you in a position to be more present and

more

engaged the third step of the

methodology has to do with the fact that

many of us see speaking in the moment

and in general as threatening and

challenging if I were to tell any of you

at the end of the meeting you're running

that you're going to get some questions

from your audience many of you aren't

like oh that's great I can't wait you

say oh no I better do a good job I'm

afraid they're going to see what I said

is wrong they're going to challenge me

many of us see these situations as

threatening and

challenging and when we do so it impacts

not just what we say but how we say it

we tend to retreat we make ourselves

small our answers are Curt our tone is

Harsh because we feel we have to defend

there's another way to approach this and

before I share with you that way and

give you some tools I want you to

actually have an experience of it so I'm

going to ask you to play a very simple

improvisation game with me it's called

give a

gift all of us in our lives have had the

experience of giving a gift and getting

a gift so you know how to play this game

but we're going to practice I'd like

everybody to take out an imaginary box

will you do this with me please here's

your imaginary box on the count of three

I'd like you to just practice giving it

and then give to give the gift you just

extend your arms everybody ready 1 2 3

give a gift perfect very good now when

you receive a gift you do it in reverse

ready 1 two three you've received a gift

perfect so here's what we're going to do

in a moment I'm going to ask you to find

somebody sitting near you you're simply

going to introduce yourself if you don't

know and you're going to play the give a

gift game one of you will give a gift to

your partner your partner will take the

imaginary gift open the box look inside

look at the partner and say thank you

for the and you're going to say the

first that pops into your head so you

might say thank you for the car thank

you for the pen thank you for the

airplane it doesn't even have to fit in

the Box your partner who gave you the

imaginary gift upon hearing it is going

to explain to you why they gave it to

you do you see how there are two acts of

spontaneity that happen in this activity

and then you'll switch so again when

it's your turn to give you give the gift

your partner receives the gift they open

up the box they look inside and they

thank you for the first first thing that

comes to mind by show of hands how many

of you already know what's in your box

ahuh over half of you raised your hands

yes remember what I said in the previous

step how we want to do well and we want

to make sure we're right so you've okay

I know there's going to be a dog bone in

my box that's perfect I'm done I want

you literally when you open up the box

to say the first thing that comes to

your mind I have to tell my MBA students

to keep it clean and keep it legal I'm

sure I don't have to tell you that here

but I want you to name it and then your

partner upon hearing it is immediately

going to explain and then you're going

to switch this activity should take 2

minutes I will ask you to come back in

about two minutes so find somebody

sitting next to you introduce yourself

the person who woke up earliest this

morning goes first I learned a long time

ago as a teacher if you don't say who

goes first everybody argues on it all

right find a

person thank you by the way for doing

this activity I saw lots of of

smiles looks like you were having fun I

am simply going to move my arm across

the audience and as my hand points in

your general direction will you just

call out what you found in your box I

just I love hearing what people gave

themselves just start shouting out what

you gave yourselves Kleenex

tires okay catnip I heard yes pumpkin

notes did I hear broccoli oh

yes

dog poop okay yes sweater excellent you

guys gave yourself wonderful

gifts it's a bit of a rack test too it

tells us a little bit about you but we

won't go

there let me ask you this how did it

feel when you gave the gift and you were

waiting to hear what you gave many of

you looked excited I see many of you SM

what did I give what did I

give and then all of you embraced a rule

that comes from improvisation I am a

huge fan of improv and I have had

wonderful improv teachers here on this

campus Patricia Ryan Madson Adam Tobin

Dan kleene these are improv experts

who've taught me the value of improv and

all of you just executed the number one

rule of improv yes and you didn't say I

did not give you a dog bone no you said

of course I did and here's why right you

embraced it right

away what if what if when somebody asked

you a question or asked you for feedback

you saw it as an opportunity just like

you saw this activity as an opportunity

now I am not naive I know sometimes

people when they ask us questions or ask

us for feedback they're really putting

us on the spot they want to challenge us

they're coming after us but even in

those moments if I can see it as an

opportunity to connect to learn to find

some area of commonality it can change

change everything I will step in I will

be bigger in my response my tone will be

more collaborative my answers will be

more detailed by seeing spontaneous

communication as an opportunity as a

gift not a threat it changes our entire

approach so how do we do this how do we

execute on it on the new book I wrote

thinking faster talking sper I introduce

several tools we can use to see things

as

opportunities the first comes from this

notion of growth mindset which Carol D

on this campus helped to develop and

champions it's wonderful and her work is

fantastic one area of her work in growth

mindset which really essentially says

that when we are faced with a challenge

that doesn't go necessarily the way we

want it to we can learn and grow and

begin to get better at that versus a

fixed mindset which says that's just how

we're built that's just the way it is a

growth mindset again opens to

opportunity and one aspect of it that I

really resonate with is this notion of

not

yet just because something didn't go the

way you want to doesn't mean it never

will go the way you want it just means

not yet maybe you don't have the skills

you don't have the

practice but it means you can get there

so by adopting a not yet mindset it

helps us see things as opportun unties

opportunities to learn opportunities to

grow so when you meet with a frustration

in your life especially around

communication say to yourself not yet

we've already talked about yes and yes

and is where we see the possibility of

connection so even if you're in

disagreement in a negotiation that's

happening in the moment you can look for

those areas of commonality where is it

that we agree where is the yes and from

there

build the third of these comes from the

world of basketball

many of you are familiar with Mike

Shashi former basketball coach Coach K

one of the things he has credited with

instilling in his players but in all of

sport is this notion of next play if

you're an athlete say a basketball

player and you miss a

shot instead of ruminating and getting

frustrated with yourself move on to the

next play because the reality is if I

miss my shot and I sit there thinking

about how bad it was how I should have

made it the play is already ensuing and

the other team might be scoring a shot I

have to move to next play and the same

is true when you're in the midst of a

conversation Small Talk feedback

situation if something happens that

doesn't go exactly the way you want it

to next play keep

moving now while rumination in the

moment is bad reflection after the fact

is very

good so I'd love for you in the moment

to move to the next play but later that

day reflect what worked and what

didn't many of us treat our

communication as that definition of

insanity you know doing the same thing

over and over again expecting different

results if you don't reflect and learn

and think about it you're not going to

change so in the moment next play later

in the day reflection and then the final

of these

steps has us reframing the way we think

about

mistakes many of us try to avoid

mistakes we feel a mistake is a bad

thing now if you think about it we learn

through mistakes if you watch kids as

they develop they make lots of mistakes

and that's how they learn we can take

benefit from that as well but we have to

look at them differently rather than

mistakes I'd like you to think of them

as missed takes you know in television

and film directors will have their

actors do multiple takes of the same

scene you've seen that clapboard that

says take one take two

no one scene is wrong they're just

trying to optimize and try different

things so when you do something that

doesn't go the way you want think to

yourself take two I'm just going to do

it again differently it wasn't bad it

wasn't wrong I'm just going to try it

differently and if you take that

approach to your actions and the things

that don't go the way you want one it

keeps you in a much more positive frame

of reference and it encourages you to

think and learn learn from what just

happened so these four tools not yet yes

and next play and missed takes are the

ways in which we can look at our

communication in the moment as

opportunities and not

threats so we get out of our own

way after we manage anxiety we see

things as being opportunities not

threats and then our fourth step has to

do with

listening most most of us are not good

listeners we listen just enough to get

the gist of what somebody is saying and

then start thinking judging evaluating

rehearsing what we want to say we don't

listen

deeply and if you don't listen deeply

when you're communicating in the moment

you can make some errors imagine this we

walk out of a meeting together you turn

to me and you say how do you think that

went I hear feedback and I start listing

all the things that we did wrong all the

things you could have done better how we

can make sure that we don't make the

same errors next time but had I really

listened in that moment I might have

noticed you came out the back door not

the front door you were looking down and

talking more quietly than you usually do

in that moment what you wanted was not

feedback but you wanted

support and by virtue of giving you all

this constructive feedback I actually

did you a disservice and might have

damage the relationship we have so we

need to listen in a very different way

when we have have to speak spontaneously

so we really understand what's needed in

the moment so I'd like to give you some

advice about how to listen better and I

have to caveat this that my wife gets

really upset when I teach listening

because she says I'm still a work in

progress so listen to what I say not

necessarily what I do first when you are

listening you need to listen intently I

heard a professor at another University

say he was he he was a he taught music

and he was talking about jazz and he had

a jazz teacher and I have to look this

guy up to get his name but he said we

need to listen until you

sweat and I love that approach we

listening is hard work so the first

thing we need to do is when somebody's

speaking we have to listen to what's the

bottom line of what they're saying

what's the Crux of what they're trying

to get

across and then second we need to employ

a strategy that I learned from a

colleague here his name is Collins dobs

and Collins teaches critical and crucial

conversations here at the business

school and he has a methodology to help

do that and that methodology applies

beautifully to listening it's three

things Pace space

Grace to listen well you have to give

yourself a little bit of each of those

we have to slow things down the world

moves very quickly we've got a lot going

on if I slow down I can listen better so

the first step is to slow things down

second you have to give yourself space

sometimes it's physical space move to a

location where you can actually hear

better as I get older everything is

louder in the Ambient sound move to a

place where you can actually hear but

also mental space give yourself

permission to be present oriented In

This Moment listening to this person and

then finally grace and grace is to give

yourself permission to pay attention to

what's going on in the

environment how the person says what

they say not just what they say and

Grace refers to listening to your own

intuition We Have Heard lots of things

we have seen lots of things in our lives

and we get intuitions that come to us

based on what we hear and respect those

as well we often think listening is only

what's coming in but you can also listen

to what's happening inside you so but

with a little bit of pace space and

Grace and focusing on the Crux of what

somebody is saying you can listen

better one of the best tools we can use

to listen better is to ask either

clarifying questions or to

paraphrase we have this notion that we

have to respond in the moment right away

if I don't respond right away it means

I'm not confident it means I don't know

my stuff and yet we can pause a bit to

actually reflect on what we're listening

to before we

respond so I can literally just take a

pause some of us feel pausing is bad but

pausing can be great I can ask a

clarifying question that gives me a

little bit of time or I can paraphrase

which is where I take something you've

said synthesize it and present it back

to you in a way that's distilled down so

it's not like what a 5-year-old does who

just parrots back what you say that's

annoying but you look for the key idea

and you repeat it back the thing with

asking follow-up questions and

paraphrasing is these are lower order

cognitive skills in other words I can be

thinking about what I want to say next

while I'm doing those

so we're going to do a paraphrasing

activity it's very quick very similar to

what we did with give a gift I in a

moment I'm going to ask you to find a

different partner in the room and I'm

going to ask you to share a story of

your name and it can be anything related

to your name you want it can be very

deep and meaningful it can be fun for 30

seconds you're going to tell a story of

your name this activity is not about

storytelling this activity is about

paraphrasing because the person you're

telling it to is is going to paraphrase

what you said and then they're going to

ask a question because paraphrasing

never happens by itself it's always

followed by something maybe your answer

maybe connecting to the agenda maybe

asking a question so let me give you an

example of what this is like so I'm

going to tell you a story about my name

for 30 seconds I'm going to ask for a

volunteer if you'd like to paraphrase

what I said and then another volunteer

to ask a question now you do not need to

answer the question but by training

yourself to ask a question immediately

after paraphrasing you're training

yourself to keep the conversation moving

paraphrasing is never something you do

in and of itself you always use it to

move on so here's a story of my name my

name is Matt all through my childhood I

was teased mercilessly because Matt

rhymes with everything okay lazy as a

doormat silly as a cat you're fat I was

teased all the time when my wife and I

started our family it was very important

to me that our children not be named

something that was easily

teas as a teacher I have a built-in

focus group so I went into my classroom

I wrote the three names that my wife and

I were willing to call our kids and I

gave my students five minutes to come up

with the most heinous mean bad Rhymes

and everything they could and we named

my

children the names that had the shortest

lists so that's the story of my name is

there somebody here who' be willing to

just paraphrase my story again a

paraphrase gets to the Crux of it I see

your hand here sir

yes that wouldn't happen excellent great

paraphrase essentially what he said for

those of you who couldn't hear is you

stress tested your kids names right

that's a great

paraphrase what is a reasonable question

that you might ask

yes what are the kids' names yes I'm not

going to tell you because they would be

be very upset but I'll tell you that my

kids are not teased because of their

names now they're teased for lots of

other things but not their names do you

see how paraphrasing can actually help

you listen more intently so here's what

I'm going to ask you to do find somebody

else sitting around you introduce

yourself and the person in your

partnership who had to travel the

farthest to get to campus for the event

not this morning if you're not local

you're staying in a hotel that's close

by but where you came from whoever

traveled the farthest will go first

you'll tell a 30second story about your

name your partner will immediately

paraphrase and ask a question you need

not answer it and then you'll switch

this should take us two minutes to do

find a partner tell a story of your

name how did it feel to have your

story

paraphrased it feels good doesn't it it

feels good to have your story

paraphrased

it feels good to be listened

to now we're not virtual in this room so

we don't have some of those cool

features that you have on tools like

zoom and teams and meet so we're going

to do it all the oldfashioned way will

everybody put your fist out like this

this is a yes thumbs up yes thumbs down

no no middle

fingers did your

partner paraphrase well

your story of your name I am seeing

almost exclusively thumbs up I see one

sideways and we might have one thumbs

down but there's always one in every

credit

no how did it feel how did it feel to

listen to

paraphrase how did it feel to do

this hard right I see thumbs up but it

was hard right you had to listen in a

different way when I looked at all of

you doing this you were leaning in you

were nodding it was clear that you were

listening with intensity we have the

capability to listen well but we have to

encourage ourselves to do it and when we

speak spontaneously it is critical to

listen well so we've now completed the

first four steps of the process manage

anxiety get out of Our Own Way see it as

an opportunity listen well all of this

has to do with mindset we haven't

actually responded in the moment yet so

that's the next part and that's

messaging and messaging has two

components first it has to do with

structure structure is critical how you

put your messages together matters most

of us just ramble and give lists of

information when we're put on the spot

and your brain is not wired for lists

it's very hard for us to remember just

ramblings our brains are actually wired

for structure for story a story to me a

stru structure is nothing more than a

logical connection of ideas that has a

beginning a middle and an

end I learned the power of story and the

power of structure When I Was An

undergraduate here at Stanford many many

years ago I was a tour guide on this

campus to this day I can still walk

backwards in a straight line while

speaking they trained us back then for

12

weeks the most important thing they

taught us they said above all else to be

a good tour guide on this campus you

must never ever lose your tour group you

are a bad tour guide if you get people

lost the same is true with us as

spontaneous speakers never lose the

audience you're talking to how do we

keep people together we structure our

responses structure helps us Orient

people in set expectations if I showed

up and I said hi I'm Matt I'm your tour

guide let's go how many of you would go

with me a few because you're adventurous

but the rest of you'd be like heck no

where are we going do I have the right

shoes on should I go to the bathroom

first a good tour guide just like a good

spontaneous speaker sets expectations up

front so you can pay attention to what's

happening and not wonder what's coming

next structure also helps connect ideas

together the biggest place or the most

frequent place you will lose people as a

tour guide is when you move from one

place to the next people just wander

off the same is true in our

communication if you are using words

like so next second third as your

transitions then you are missing

opportunities to keep people together so

structure is really

important let me give you an example of

a structure just so you can get your

arms around it most of us are familiar

with a very persuasive structure of

problem solution benefit if you've ever

ever pitched an idea if you've ever

watched an advertisement This Is How

They Go problem solution benefit here's

an issue here's how we solve it and

here's the benefit that's a structure

beginning middle and an end now my

favorite structure in the whole world is

three simple questions what so what now

what the what is your idea your belief

your position your product your service

your feedback the so is why is it

important to the person you're speaking

to and then now what is what comes next

maybe I'll take your questions let's set

another meeting let me show you a

demonstration what so what now what is a

great way to package up information when

you're meeting with your friends this

weekend and somebody says what are you

up to it's a great structure to update

here's what I'm doing here's why I think

it's important here's what I'm planning

to do next when you're giving feedback

you can give feedback in this structure

the feedback is what I saw or what I

didn't see the so what is why it's

important and the now what is what I'd

like you to do differently so imagine we

come out of a meeting together and you

say Matt how'd that go I say well I

thought it went really well except when

you were talking about the

implementation plan you spoke quickly

and didn't give as much detail as you

did

elsewhere when you speak quickly without

a lot of detail people might think

you're nervous and arn is

prepared next time slow down and use

these two addition examples do you see

how in the moment just by following this

structure it gives me a good

response structure is a tool it's like a

recipe I am a lousy cook but I have have

a much better chance of cooking well if

I follow a recipe so by having a recipe

all I have to do is put the ingredients

into it I know how I'm going to give you

my feedback I just have to think about

what I say in the feedback so structure

helps you not only package up

information for your audience but it

helps you prioritize what to say and

because the information is packaged well

your audience can take that information

and share it elsewhere think of a job

interview when you're being interviewed

not only are you trying to communicate

your skills and how you could benefit

the company but you're trying to equip

your interviewer with the information

that they can then take to the others

involved in the hiring decision and

represent you and if you package up that

information easily they can tell your

story really well if you just give them

a whole list of information they're

likely not to remember it so structure

is incredibly helpful in spontaneous

communication in the new book the whole

second half of it is specific

spontaneous situations making small talk

apologizing giving feedback introducing

yourself answering questions and with

each one I assign or give a structure

that you can

use this is not the final step though

the final step is the F-word of

communication and it's not that naughty

one some of you are thinking about it's

Focus many of us when we speak in the

moment take our audiences on the Journey

of our discovery of what it is we want

to say as we're saying it in other words

we say more than we need to we need to

be focused and concise my mother has a

saying that I love I know she didn't

create it but it's tell me the time

don't build me the clock many of us when

we are spontaneously speaking build

clocks one because we're discovering

what we want to say two because we want

people to think we're really smart and

three we want everybody to see how hard

we've worked to get to what we're saying

it is much better to be Compact and

concise in what you're saying so how do

you do that well one we've already

talked about relevance if I think about

what's really relevant for the audience

then I hinge everything I'm saying on

that relevance

second you should have a goal whenever

you speak be it spontaneous or planned a

goal to me has three parts information

emotion and action what do I want the

audience to know how do I want them to

feel and what do I want them to do so if

I'm walking into a room where I expect

that I will be asked

questions or asked to give feedback or

even making small talk I think to myself

what do I want people to know how do I

want them to feel and what do I want

them to do and that helps me focus and

prioritize what I'm saying

so it's not enough to just have a

structured message you have to focus

that message to help people remember it

and to not be seen as rambling and

giving too much

information there's another structure I

want to introduce you to that is

incredibly focused in concise this is a

structure for pitching I'm often asked

by people what happens if somebody asks

me to pitch an idea in the moment so

you're getting on an elevator and your

boss's boss steps in and they look at

you say oh what are you working on I'm

about to go speak with the board maybe I

can help you you got to respond four

sentence starters you just finish these

sentences what if you could so that for

example and that's not all what if you

could so that for example and that's not

all let me show you how this works by

taking a suggestion from you all and

I'll put it in this structure and then

together as a group we're going to use

this for something can somebody think of

a product or service that you would like

to hear a pitch

for what would you like to hear me give

a pitch for somebody suggest one your

book my book well look at that well

thank you all

right I appreciate that so my new book

is all about how to speak more

effectively in the moment what if you

could feel more comfortable and

confident when put on the spot so that

you could answer questions well or give

appropriate feedback for example imagine

an upcoming job interview that you nail

that you get all of your points across

in a way that really represents who you

are and that's not all you can apply

these principles to small talk to

apologizing and to even introducing

yourself do you see how just answering

those sentences gets you to a tight

clear

pitch so here's what we're going to do

for all of you to practice and thank you

for that opportunity

okay all of us are here for our Stamford

reunion let's imagine for your next

reunion you volunteer to help recruit

people to come back to campus for

reunion so you're going to make a pitch

let's go through each of these four

together as a group somebody give me a

the end of this sentence what if you

could

could what if you could see old friends

so

that you can walk down memory lane and

and experience the things that you

enjoyed about being on campus for

example somebody give me an example of a

of a memory or an exciting thing you'd

like to share with a old friend for

example here the band hear the band play

and sing some of the old songs and

that's not all

and that's not all you

what you can go to a great lecture on

communicating in the moment I love it do

you see how easy that was do you see how

the structure helps you and it made it

very

concise so by focusing on these two

messaging elements structure and focus

you can actually be much better at

speaking in the

moment so some resources for you to

continue learning these Concepts and and

others I host a podcast for the business

school it's called think fast talk smart

it's all about communication skills I

get to interview experts from around

campus and around the world on how to be

a better

communicators lots of your favorite

faculty have been guests on the show and

this show I'm proud to say has won many

prestigious Awards including best dog

walking podcast and best commute podcast

because our episodes are very concise

and short 20 minutes we've won some

other ones as well I and there's a

picture of the book think faster talk

smarter if you take a a shot of this QR

code it'll take you to a whole bunch of

resources that I make available to our

students here and elsewhere I encourage

all of you to think about how you can be

a better in the- moment speaker it takes

time and it takes practice the only way

you get better at communication planned

or spontaneous is three things

repetition reflection and feedback

repetition reflection and feedback

you have to practice you have to think

about what's working and what's not

working and you have to seek out advice

and guidance from teachers from

colleagues from mentors to help that's

how we get

better