THIS Is What to Do When Life Feels Out of Control (Lost and Confused? START HERE!) with Jay Shetty

Stop trying to control everything. Not

everything broken needs you to fix it.

You'll burn out before life slows down.

Stop treating peace like a project. It's

not something you earn. It's something

you allow. And stop gripping the future so hard you're crushing the present. The

number one health and wellness podcast.

J Shetty. J Shetty. The one, the only J Shetty.

Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose.

Thank you so much for tuning back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed

the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make sure you click the button below so that you never miss a video.

Now, today's episode is for anyone who's ever looked at their life and thought, "This is not how it was supposed to go.

This is not the plan. This is not how I imagined it to be." And I'm sure so many of you can relate to that. This is not what you wanted. This is not what you

desired. This is not what you wished

desired. This is not what you wished for. And you're feeling stuck. Maybe you

for. And you're feeling stuck. Maybe you

didn't get the job. Maybe the

relationship ended. Maybe you're nowhere near where you thought you'd be by now.

If you feel stuck, if you feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you. And before we dive in, I want you

you. And before we dive in, I want you to hear this clearly.

That doesn't mean you failed. It just

means you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for. And sometimes

that's where the real story begins. I

want you to recognize that you feeling stuck right now is not the end. You

feeling stuck right now is not a failure. You feeling stuck right now is

failure. You feeling stuck right now is not where the story finishes. By you

being here right now, this is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make that shift and it's where you feel the switch in your life. If you follow

what I'm about to share in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim ownership over your own life, over your

own mind, and move in the direction that you want. and actually even better.

you want. and actually even better.

That's what I want you to understand today. That the position you're in right

today. That the position you're in right now may not be where you want to be, but it can be the launch pad of something even better. So today, I want to walk

even better. So today, I want to walk you through six sciencebacked steps to rebuild your mindset when life takes a

turn you didn't expect. Let's get into it. Step one is learning to pause the

it. Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and activate the observer.

This is an idea that I learned about during my time as a monk in recognizing the different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice that's always

mind. There's the voice that's always loud. There's the voice that's always

loud. There's the voice that's always certain. And then there's that quiet

certain. And then there's that quiet observer. Now a lot of people ask me

observer. Now a lot of people ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do I know the

my intuition? How do I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right? It can be hard. It can

intuition? Right? It can be hard. It can

feel like there are a lot of voices.

There are a lot of noises going on inside your mind. How do you decipher?

How do you make sense of it? Here's what

I've learned. Your mind is certain and loud. Right? It will say to you, "Don't

loud. Right? It will say to you, "Don't do that. You'll look like a fool. Don't

do that. You'll look like a fool. Don't

do that at work. Everyone will see it.

Don't speak up because you might say something stupid." It's loud and it's

something stupid." It's loud and it's certain.

But the intuition is quiet and it's curious.

Hey, maybe you should try that out. Hey,

you know what? I think you might be really good at that. Why don't we follow it? Hey, you know what? Do you have a

it? Hey, you know what? Do you have a really good idea?

Everyone may not get it, but it's worth sharing it.

Take a moment to notice the different voices that exist within you. Your inner

critic is certain and loud. You will

look like a fool. You're a failure. You

got it wrong. You're not good enough.

You're not smart enough. You're not

pretty enough.

Very certain, very loud. The intuition

says, "I feel like I like this. I think

I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this." In a difficult position, it says, "I think we might get out of this if we try this." But the

inner critic says, "No, don't try it.

It's not worth your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck." So, here's

of time. You're just stuck." So, here's what I want you to think about. The more

you listen to that quiet, to that curious inner voice, the less you'll be affected by that loud certain

noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition has got so quiet is because it's been ignored. What happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't paying

you attention? You shut down. You get

you attention? You shut down. You get

quiet. You don't make as much noise.

That's what's happened to our intuition.

It's faded into the background. It's

taken the passenger seat. Sometimes from

the back of the car, it may whisper, "Hey, take a left. Hey, take a right.

Try this out." But the more we listen to it, the stronger that voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So, it's

really important first of all to know the difference between your inner critic and your mind. And I would even give them a name. Give them a personality so you know the difference. Right? The

reason why we know which friends are good for us and which aren't is because we remember their name. We remember what they look like. The problem is the voices in our head don't have a face.

The voices in our head don't have a personality. We have to create one for

personality. We have to create one for them. So choose a name for your mind

them. So choose a name for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing you to do what's right. A name

that feels like that. And then choose a name for your intuition. That good

friend, that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants to help you, who really wants to make a difference in your life. The next thing

we have to do is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love.

Something I've noticed about high performing people, having sat down with so many now, is that they have two traits. They are high standards

traits. They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense. They want to be the best. They

sense. They want to be the best. They

want to push themselves. They want to drive. They want to succeed in business,

drive. They want to succeed in business, in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. And we should all have

their purpose. And we should all have high standards. If we don't demand high

high standards. If we don't demand high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low expectations of others.

Think about that for a second. If you

don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink to the low expectations of others.

But here's the most important part.

Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them, has high grace. the

ability to recognize that actually guilt blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to

blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift myself by guilting

change. I won't shift myself by guilting myself. I won't become better by making

myself. I won't become better by making myself feel bad for too long. It may

work in the short term. There's an

amazing speech by Roger Fedra where he talked about how when he's playing a point, it is the most important point in

the world. But when that point is over,

the world. But when that point is over, whether he won or lost, that point is the least important point in the world.

That is the difference between high standards and also having high grace.

When you're playing the point, when you're in the moment, you take it seriously. When you lose, when things

seriously. When you lose, when things don't go to plan, when things don't go in the way you imagined, they weren't that important.

Remember this. Stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to someone else. Stop being critical in your head

else. Stop being critical in your head just because no one else can hear it.

Stop believing your worst thoughts just because they're loud.

Stop mistaking your inner critic for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak to yourself because no one lives in your head more than you do.

It's natural. I get it. When life

doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame. And mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better. I

ourselves. I should have known better. I

should have done more. But here's what research from self-compassion expert Dr. Christine Nel shows self-judgment in

moments of failure increases cortisol.

Think about that for a second.

Selfjudgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases

increases cortisol. It decreases motivation and keeps you stuck in shame.

How many times have you done that? You

make a mistake and now you're beating yourself up about it. Not just in the morning when you look in the mirror, but at night before your head hits the pillow. You're constantly replaying that

pillow. You're constantly replaying that moment you messed up at work. Maybe you

weren't the perfect parent today. And

all of a sudden, you've gone from wanting to be the perfect parent to believing you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases, your

time. Your motivation decreases, your cortisol increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame. You can't shift from

shame. So, what helps instead?

shame. So, what helps instead?

Mindful selfobservation.

It's the shift from I messed up to interesting. They just didn't go how I

interesting. They just didn't go how I thought. Stop saying I'm not good

thought. Stop saying I'm not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained

enough. You're not lazy. You're drained

from carrying what no one sees. You're

not falling behind. You're healing in a world that rewards burnout. You're not

the problem. The pressure is. You're not

unmotivated.

You're tired of pretending you're fine.

You're not lost. You're just not on someone else's timeline and you're not stuck. You're processing

and that counts.

Step number two, let go of the control illusion. One of the reasons why we

illusion. One of the reasons why we don't like it when things don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled. We had everything mapped

controlled. We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color-coded

out. Maybe you had a color-coded spreadsheet, right? And you wanted

spreadsheet, right? And you wanted everything to happen exactly how it was mapped out. That control illusion

mapped out. That control illusion creates so much resistance in our life.

I often say to people, you'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion is you have an image

you're projecting here and reality is happening down here. And when reality doesn't match your imagination, you think there's something wrong with

reality. As opposed to realizing that in

reality. As opposed to realizing that in reality, you may get to the result of your imagination, but not through the path of your imagination. So many people

don't get to where they want because the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give up on your goal

imagined. Don't give up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't

give up on the result because your road looks different. The path, the road, the

looks different. The path, the road, the journey to where you want to go is definitely going to look different to what you planned. I'm certain of that.

There is no one in the history of the world who got to where they want to in love, relationships, or their career in exactly the way they planned. They will

all tell you there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes, there were even full-on U-turns.

But the control illusion trips each and every one of us up. Don't let the control illusion be the reason you don't get to where you want. The control

illusion says, "Well, if it doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if

this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm being shown, then nothing works." And what ends up happening is

works." And what ends up happening is something amazing could be happening for you, but you miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking on a door and

you're waiting for it to open. And while

you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you, but you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering why it doesn't open that you miss out on the three other doors that were waiting

for you to walk through them. We all do this in our life. We're so busy knocking on this door endlessly that we don't turn around to look at the

one that's open inviting us. I have seen in my life time and time again that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately.

And if I would have stayed in that position, that's how I stay stuck. If

you feel stuck right now, it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting you in right now. That's why we feel stuck.

right now. That's why we feel stuck.

We're waiting on the doorstep going, "When will this door open?" And you could be waiting seven years and the door may open in seven years, but you don't know. So, you stay stuck. You feel

don't know. So, you stay stuck. You feel

stuck. But hey, if you walked into the other door, you could come back out and move into that door in seven years. It

will work out.

Stop trying to control everything. Not

everything broken needs you to fix it.

Stop trying to outrun uncertainty.

You'll burn out before life slows down.

Stop managing everyone's emotions like it's your full-time job. Stop treating

peace like a project. It's not something you earn. It's something you allow. And

you earn. It's something you allow. And

stop waiting for life to make sense. It

rarely does in real time. And stop

gripping the future so hard you're crushing the present.

What's meant for you won't need force, just focus.

One of the biggest reasons we spiral when plans fall apart is because of illusion control. the belief we should

illusion control. the belief we should be able to predict and manage everything. But studies from Dr. Ellen

everything. But studies from Dr. Ellen Langanger at Harvard show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety and better

performance over time. You can't plan for every twist, but you can decide how you respond to it. The problem is when we try to plan for every twist, we try

to be prepared for every pivot. And

guess what? Even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder.

won't happen. So here's your reminder.

Control the next step.

Control your response, not the whole story.

I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you never imagined. I'm sure

you got over breakups and heartbreak you never imagined you would.

This feeling you're having right now of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan, may be what opens you up to a bigger plan. We all think our

imagination's pretty good, but the universe's imagination far surpasses anything in this limited mind.

Just think about the solar system. Think

about the planets. Think about nature.

Everything is taken care of and everything is provided for. It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of the universe.

Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability

universe. The universe has the ability to gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may think your vision is

imagine. You may think your vision is big, but the universe is is bigger if you're willing to tap in and tune in.

Step number three is reframe failure as redirection.

You are not a failure. You're someone

who started. You're not lost. You're in

between versions of yourself. You're not

starting over. You're re-entering with better instincts.

You're not finished, but you're also not at the start. You're not off track.

You're off autopilot.

See, here's the reality. Your brain is wired to see failure as danger. The

amygdala lights up, triggering a threat response. But when researchers at

response. But when researchers at Colombia studied how high performers recover, they found a pattern. They

reframe setbacks as information, not identity.

Stop saying, "I failed. Try this

instead.

This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed.

This is information that will help me next time." Reframe. Well, maybe this

next time." Reframe. Well, maybe this isn't the right path for me to maybe it's just the wrong way. Maybe it's a

different way. Thomas Edison famously

different way. Thomas Edison famously said, "I didn't fail 9,999 times. I just found 9,999

times. I just found 9,999 times that it didn't work." That's the shift.

If you find the one way it works, do you care that you tried 99 times? I'm

guessing not. So, reframe each way to be, okay, I just know it doesn't work this way. All right, I just know it

this way. All right, I just know it doesn't work this way. This is just not the way it works. It works a different way. Let me be open to that. Step four,

way. Let me be open to that. Step four,

use the tiny wins framework. When your

plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes with it. So, how do you rebuild it? Use something known as the

rebuild it? Use something known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins, even micro acts,

School. Tiny wins, even micro acts, create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation. There's a

reason when you're growing up as a kid, your parents would put lines on the wall to see how far you were growing because when you're close to something, you actually miss the growth, right? You may

even see that in yourself. Maybe you

started working out. Maybe you started walking 10,000 steps and someone sees you and they say, "Wow, I can tell you look healthier. I can tell you've been

look healthier. I can tell you've been taking care of yourself." And you're like, "No way. I'm still, you know, I still want to lose or gain this weight.

I still want to build this muscle." When

you're figuring out things on your own up close, you'll never feel like you're growing. And that's why we don't grow

growing. And that's why we don't grow because we're looking for the big wins, not the small ones. So, here's a question. What's one small thing you can

question. What's one small thing you can complete today that brings you closer to what matters? For example, let's say

what matters? For example, let's say your business failed. Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a 20inut

whole brand. Start with a 20inut brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback. Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying to find love and convince yourself that

love still exists, you're just going to do something where you enjoy your own company. Momentum comes from movement,

company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me say that again.

not miracles. Let me say that again.

Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While you're waiting for the

miracles. While you're waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you more is the small movement.

Just start. Start small. Start shaky.

Start unsure. Start before you're confident. Start before it makes sense.

confident. Start before it makes sense.

Start with what you have, not with what you wish you had. Start ugly. Start

unprepared. Start imperfect.

But make sure you start. Step five,

this time, expect the plot twist. What

people don't realize is that as you start building, as you start growing, you start to think that everything's going to plan. And here's what I

realize. So many of us are surprised by

realize. So many of us are surprised by the plot twist that we shock ourselves

into paralysis. I saw an amazing post

into paralysis. I saw an amazing post the other day on social media and it showed two sets of water cups. The top

water cups all had the equal amount of water in them and on top it said, "This is what we think consistency looks like."

like." On the second line of water cups, one was half full, one was 3/4 full, one was a quarter full. And he said, "This is

what consistency actually looks like."

We think when we're in the zone, every day is going to be the same. I'm going

to work out five days a week, every week for 12 months. The reality is one week you may work out three times, the next seven times, the next four times, the

next two times, the next five times.

That's what consistency actually looks like. But when you hold on to that plan

like. But when you hold on to that plan of 5 days a week, perfect workouts, you actually feel further and further away from it. Expect the plot twist.

from it. Expect the plot twist.

According to positive psychology research by Dr. Sonia Luberski, people who are happier long-term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They can

hold multiple truths at once. So, for

example, stop saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking, "This wasn't the

plan. Try thinking, "This wasn't the plan, but it might be part of something better. This is the shift we need to

better. This is the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan, but this

make. This wasn't the plan, but this might lead to something better." All of a sudden, the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind. All

of a sudden, you see the possibilities, not just the pain. You're not negating.

You're not disregarding what you're feeling. There can be grief. They can be

feeling. There can be grief. They can be stress, but you're opening up this vision. Think of the best people you

vision. Think of the best people you admire. The ones with depth, character,

admire. The ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got there without a

soul. None of them got there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes,

plot twist. As the famous saying goes, sometimes the plan not working is the plan working. Sometimes things going

plan working. Sometimes things going wrong is actually them going right.

Sometimes things that look like a curse end up being the blessing. If you are open to see it if you're open to view

it, if you're open to the possibilities and opportunities. And step number six,

and opportunities. And step number six, let curiosity lead you forward. When

things fall apart, don't rush to the next big fix. Instead, follow curiosity.

Research from neuroscientist Dr. Mary Helen Immortino Yang shows that curiosity activates a deeper cognitive

state tied to purpose and resilience.

When you ask what if instead of what now you open doors instead of closing them.

Journal about this. Think of a time in your life where you were convinced it was the end. It was a failure. and it

was the worst thing that could have happened to you and how it became an opportunity for something you never imagined.

That's what's amazing.

When things don't go to plan, you get the opportunity to build off plan. When

things don't go as you imagined, things can actually turn out better than you could have ever thought of. Open

your mind to that. Reflect on this. What

if this is the exact moment I was meant to reset?

So, I get it. Life hasn't gone to plan lately, and it's the worst. It's hard.

It's tough. It's difficult.

But remember this. The plan was never the point. The growth was and the goal

the point. The growth was and the goal was. You don't need to know what comes

was. You don't need to know what comes next. You just need to know that this is

next. You just need to know that this is not the end. This is the part where you choose how the story continues. Thank

you so much for listening. If this

helped you, share it with someone who else is in there in between. And

remember, sometimes this is what it takes. I want you to remember you'll get

takes. I want you to remember you'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagined it. You don't have to give up on the goal. You just have to focus on the growth. I'll catch you in

the next episode. Leave a comment. Let

me know which journaling prompt you're doing, what you're reflecting on. I want

to see what's connecting with you, what you're engaging with. And remember, keep moving. You're not lazy, you're tired.

moving. You're not lazy, you're tired.

You're not behind. You're human. Not

every thought is truth. Some are just noise. Not every voice in your head

noise. Not every voice in your head deserves a microphone. You've survived

every hard day so far. You're allowed to speak to yourself with respect.

Growth sounds like kindness, not cruelty. You don't get stronger by

cruelty. You don't get stronger by tearing yourself down. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Aean on how to change your

life by changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the

blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over a hundred murderers and their brains are very damaged.