Trump Christmas Address Cold Open - SNL

-And now a holiday message from the President of the United States.

-Hello.

Hi.

Ho ho ho ho.

Yes, we've added a fourth "ho."

Biden only had three. We added a fourth.

Hi, it's me, your favorite president.

Back again this week.

Coming to you live from a part of the White House that Melania's Christmas decorations haven't gotten to yet.

That's why we still have fireplace and garland, and not spooky twigs in black vase.

But we have to be vigilant this Christmas as Americans.

As you know, Arctic immigrants are coming in through our chimneys and stealing our milk and cookies.

I think that's where North Pole is, Arctic.

We'll be looking into that. We're going to look into that.

But we love Christmas, right? We love Christmas.

Cross to tree.

I know I'm not supposed to say that out loud, but it helps me.

Oh, we love tree.

Remember when I did this with flag?

Did you like that? I'm hugging tree now.

It's very sharp.

I hugged flag and tree. Just never person.

Return to podium.

But Christmas is great. We love it.

In fact, I'm doing my own version of Nativity now.

Where kings from the Middle East bring gifts for me like gold and airplane and casino deal in Dubai.

But unlike Nativity, they're not showing up on camel.

And I know camel. I know it very well.

I know it from my mandatory daily cognitive test.

I always point right to camel.

I always get camel right. It's bumpy horse.

That's how I know.

Camel. Bumpy horse. I say it a lot.

But I wanted to ramble to you tonight about the incredible things this administration is doing.

We're doing wonderful stuff.

We are renaming the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, which will now be called the Trump-Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, No Homo.

I'm actually going to be renaming a number of our other monuments as well.

Trump-Washington Monument.

Trump-Lincoln Memorial.

And of course, Big Elphaba.

That one's just for fun.

The third one's always the funny one.

You know, people are saying, "Sir, why are you putting your name on so many buildings?"

And I say, "It's because we had to take it off of so many files."

Epstein. Redacted.

We had so many Trumps in there, we had to put them somewhere.

You know what I'm saying? We like to say "redacted."

It's my second favorite "R" word.

"Redacted," I love it.

Oh, shut up. You love it.

And it's been a great year for foreign policy.

I am invading "Venerzueler" by myself.

Metal Gear solid style. That's exciting.

Did that hit with some of the losers in the crowd?

Maybe it did.

And you know what? The economy is fine, all right?

The economy's fine. It's getting closer to fine.

Indigo Girls.

They were one of my favorite lesbian folk rock duos.

I believe that was Melissa Etheridge and I want to say Elton John.

I thought they were great. They were two of my favorites.

Oh, and this is very important. I almost forgot.

I'm inventing my own "Hunger Games."

That's right.

The White House will be hosting the Patriot Games for high school athletes to compete, because I thought, what's the best way to distract from the Epstein files?

I know, invite a bunch of teenagers to my house.

That'll help.

I'll take "things a pedophile might do for a thousand," Alex.

But you can't say Alex anymore, right?

You gotta say Ken. You gotta say Ken.

You can't say Alex.

And it was Mayim Bialik for a second.

Now it's Ken. I like Ken.

They're saying, "Sir, you're doing 'Hunger Games,' and you know how that book ends."

And of course I don't, because book.

I don't like to read and frankly, might not be able to anymore.

We'll be looking into that very shortly.

But with regard to files, we're being very transparent, because Jeffrey Epstein was a terrible man and I didn't know him, and I liked him a lot.

So we released all the files and I come out looking, frankly, very good.

We had to redact a few sensitive things, but you'll get the gist here.

Look at this.

Check it out.

See? It's all there. Can you believe it?

So in conclusion, it's been a great second first year.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

Or if you're Jewish, Happy "Honkey Donk."

And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night!"

And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night!"