Turning "Intimacy one-night stands" into secure connection

hyebin's this is Sarah and I wanted to answer a question I got asked a while ago which is how do you turn connection from intimacy one-night-stands into a

natural connection that lasts I love this because I'm very familiar with the intimacy one-night stand kind of connection which is anytime we go into

some sort of deep emotional connection I don't know if you've experienced this but especially if we're getting vulnerable with each other there's this moment of like oh my god this other

human being I'm just falling in love with them like this is love like our hearts are connected we are meant to be together this is actually how I got into

my first relationship that led me to discover authentic relating authentic relating is a particularly powerful practice for creating these kinds of

intimate moments I I had I met someone at a dance who started I was just breaking up with my boyfriend at the time and this guy that I met started you know we were on the phone he started

asking me his questions and there were just questions I'd never been asked before like about my life about like who had been growing up what relationship is

to me and he seemed so present for my responses and I was like well this is love like only love creates that sort of intimacy this must be relationship and I

totally fell head-over-heels I'm glad I did because it was a great relationship but in retrospect the distinction between intimacy one-night stands and

secure connection might have been useful to me and the reason is that the feeling of connection does not always mean the reality of connection there's a

difference between shared humanity and shared personality and a lot of that has to do with values and the way we respond

to different things I may really really connect well with you and feel very intimate with you but when it actually gets down to it we don't know of any

common activities that we like doing or we have totally different does on how much we tend to push people's edges in conversation versus really try to make them feel heard and safe how

much we tell stories versus asked questions thinking a little bit about whether background kind of plays into it but I think more is like a defining

factor of how somebody is then like the thing that's gonna bug you in the moment it's cause not effect and so there's a couple things that I want to talk about about how you actually deepen

relationships or decide which relationships you want to deepen and the first thing just simply is tell people

or ask people what are you available for if you want to deepen an interaction actually figure out what sort of interaction they're open to we often think especially when getting into deep emotional connections for the first time

that they're very special and unique and something to remember is that people have different experiences and tolerances for that kind of depth the person that you're talking to may be extremely used to having deep emotional

connections with people that may just be their way of being oftentimes teachers in my field will complain / brag that people fall in love with them often and

the reason is because love in a certain form or least relationship is considered to be a fairly specific thing and we assume that intimacy is specific but

when you're very used to having deep emotional connection it's it's actually a way of being and so figure out if for somebody this is just how they can act or if it's something specific to this connection with you that they're

actually feeling a deeper connection so you can ask like what is this connection like for you or you could share like Wow for me this this feels like a deeper connection than ones I'm used to I'm

curious how it is for you and you can ask what are you available for it like are you interested in developing a friendship or the possibility of that or developing a relationship maybe if

things go there or are you do you really just want a connection for tonight and you can offer the same you could say you know I'm really looking for deeper friendships right now or I'm looking for

creative collaborations I'm wondering how that is for you and what what you would need to know for a match so you can put some of the impetus on that like what would they need to know what would they need to

experience to know if you're aligned around this specific context shared humanity means just like we are humans together and we feel each other and we feel that unique empathetic resonance

but shared personality means we have a reason to keep connecting so along with that ask questions not just with context

but actually with content so not just how do you feel being here with me in the moment but also what's your life like what is a perfect day for you what

do you do with your time what do you care most about what do you want to be when you grow up these kinds of questions to really find out who somebody is and what they value look a little bit more even for the

differences than the similarities although the similarities can be equally beautiful to find and share and along with that notice what happens when you share different things what are the

response patterns of the other person if you ask a question or tell a story or share your feelings or especially if you share feedback what do they do these are really important cues to see how you're

gonna get along together although I often find that first impressions may not they tell me something about the person but what tells me more is how the person attunes to me and if we're not

aligned with each other can I speak like hey you know after I asked a question that I loved if you could after I share a story could you ask me a follow-up question how was that for you you know do they lent launch into

another story of their own or do they share impact I may want one or the other but actually getting clear on which works for me and the patterns of

interaction that I want that's kind of key and the last thing is to find the follow-up I think one reason that connections don't go anywhere is that we

don't ask them to neither person takes initiative to actually keep the connection going especially in male-female relationships oftentimes I may expect that the other person is going to take the lead they're gonna be chat to me or I'm playing the

game of like I can't reach out first because that shows I want something well if I want connection of course I want something and if I want the other person to reach out to me they're not doing it I could even just

let them know that like hey I'd love to hang out with you again but I feel feel like if I reach out it's gonna communicate too much interest so could

you ask me to do something it's a sneaky way of getting around it just make sure that there's a next step and also make sure there's next step in an area that you actually want something in so one of

the problems I have is I have too many possible connections I feel that intimacy of connection a lot but I don't I don't it has to be like a hell yes to

translate into something that's more than just the one-night stand not actual one-night stands usually but like into

more than a conversation so for me like I figured out what things I want the partnership and and often for me oftentimes it's like working out like

you know I'd love a partner to go bouldering with or hiking with I'd love someone to Co work with I'd love someone to like just sit down with me and like let's talk through our ideas together if

you know what your needs are or the places are that someone can slot into your life one of the reasons also I think relationships often don't continue is we try to put them in this separate box like this is separate from where the

rest of my life is when the reality is if someone doesn't integrate well into your life they're probably not going to stick around so start that integration early by inviting them into something

that's generative to you on a personal as well as a connective level okay those are my tips