Unhinged Advice for Your Messiest Problems | TMBAS EP #1

All right my loves, so here's the deal. I asked you to send in questions from all over the world. Whatever was buzzing aggressively in your minds, nothing off-limits your spirals, your delusions, your chaos and baby, you delivered.

You sent in questions from every dimension, every continent, every time zone. Yo, some of you trust strangers a little too quickly, but thankfully, your secrets landed in this wild bird's nests. So here we are.

Today, I'll be pulling your questions at random from our very special box. Yes,

the box, and I'll be giving you my unlicensed, unprofessional, heartfelt, unhinged, raw, and hopefully spellbinding answers. I am your ever charming and passionate host, Pearl Ada, and by the power vested in me by absolutely myself, I declare this show and its inaugural episode open.

So grab your hearts, hold your chests, collect your tissues, tassels, snacks, wiggle and jiggle your bum a bit for good luck, because we are officially walking through the gates of Pearl. And for all you know, this might be a spell.

Our first question of the day is from Claire writing from Germany.

Hello, I've never been in a relationship or approached in any sense. I've gotten

compliments here and there, but no one has ever pursued me. Literally all my friends have been in relationships or approached and it makes me feel very unlovable and unattractive.

And I hear these cliche things like everyone has a time and place and stuff, but it's so palpable when everyone around you is with someone. Any advice on that? Thank

you and have a nice day. Well, thank you very much, Claire, and have a nice day too, baby.

Ah, my darling, let's talk about the word pursued. Claire, the thing I have, the problem I have now is that you said no one has ever pursued you. Are you a chicken?

I feel like a lot of women, you just sit and wait for someone to come and pursue you.

Let's just be honest here. Like your friends have been in relationships and so you're not your friends. Some people are lucky enough.

They fall into relationships, but a lot of us have to work for it.

We have to go get it. We have to go ask for it.

And that's just human. Also, it's a numbers game. Get out of this mentality.

This is why a lot of women are unhappy in their relationships. They act like their romantic life is not their responsibility. You sit down and you wait for someone to come and pick you and then you just follow them.

No, I'm picking too. I'm choosing if I want you here. And I know it's Disney's fault.

Like I really do blame Disney. I really do blame Disney because I'm a very tiny age. Most of us have imbibed this idea that if we're not picked romantically, there's something off about us.

Claire, we need to rewire. I need to rewrite that. I know we live in a world now where there's so much fight online about genders.

And these things are real, by the way. Like I'm a woman. Hello.

I know Agwan. But like, if you step out of the internet craziness and all the fights and all the things that people feed people online, you're actually dealing with your fellow human beings, whether they are men, women, or non-binary. They are just people.

People have fears. People have restrictions. Some people will come and tell you something and they're not being very clear with what they want from you.

I've had somebody like me and I don't know what the F they were asking me. They asked me one random question and it was like five years down the line. I realized that this person was into me.

They should have just been very direct with me. I don't understand Kona Kona language. If you want to say something to me, come, don't go through the corners.

language. If you want to say something to me, come, don't go through the corners.

Ask me directly. Meanwhile, the person thought that just giving you that little compliment or saying this to you was them showing interest. So when I like people, I spell it out.

Excuse me. I like you. Then I watch and see what happens.

Are they interested? Are they leaning in? Are they intentional? Me, I don't do mind games. Anyone that does that with me, I don't know them anymore. They are strangers to me.

games. Anyone that does that with me, I don't know them anymore. They are strangers to me.

I don't do such things because haven't you liked somebody? Have you ever gone to somebody and said, I'm interested in you, you know, show people that you throw them something, some green light, you know, give them the eyes, let them know. Hello. I find you very interesting or whatever you want to say, whatever you want from give him the green lights and see what he does.

If you don't know how to be direct like me, write them a poem, write them a small letter. Like these things are dead. They used to happen back in the day.

I mean, back in the day, a lot of terrible things also happened, but I'm talking about, there's some things we could pick from our ancestors, our grandmas and mothers and our daddies and our fathers, what people used to do back in the day, drop them a note, drop them a text and tell them you like them. Ask them if they're interested at the beginning of getting

to know people, the stakes are so low. And I feel like sometimes we act like the stakes are so high when you like a person or you're attracted to somebody, they're literally a stranger.

That's why when I like somebody, I'm feeling them. I just tell them because I know no matter how precious I think you are or how much energy I'm giving you, if you mess up, I'll leave you there because the stakes are not that high. I don't know you work on your self concept so that you don't feel like you going and saying to somebody, hi, I like you, does anything to you.

It doesn't change who you are. It doesn't lower anything. It's who you are.

You're making it very clear what you want and then you watch and see what they do. You're

not a random chicken in the middle of the road being chased by another animal. You're a person.

If you want something, go get it. If someone approaches you, you don't want it, chase them away. In fact, when chase and pursue is being used in your mouth, it should be about running away,

away. In fact, when chase and pursue is being used in your mouth, it should be about running away, not towards because people who want to be in each other's lives leaning.

No one is being pursued per se. I don't want to be chased. I want to be met.

I want to be seen. Okay. Don't chase me, please.

Chasing me means I have to be running. I don't want anybody pursuing me because if you're pursuing me, then I'm afraid. Why are you chasing me? Meet me.

Look at me and see me. Meet me where I am and I want to meet you too. Let's

let's choose each other and that requires vulnerability and putting yourself out there.

I want you to show up with intention and that intention is engendered, Claire. I hope this helps. This is from Toby writing from Nigeria.

Claire. I hope this helps. This is from Toby writing from Nigeria.

Hi, Toby, baby. I give people endless chances.

I feel like sometimes people think they can just walk all over me like my family.

They don't understand my boundaries. Okay. That's a lot of families.

A lot of families don't be understanding shit and I just feel like I have to give in because I don't want to hurt them. It feels like I'm being a mean person if I keep saying no. How do I maintain my boundaries even though I am someone who has a lot of love to give to other people? Oh my love.

Family members are just strangers that got bunched up together by nature. If you want to be more than just strangers that got bunched up together by nature, people have to start being honest about who they are. As a kid, your parents are just your parents, but they can only stay in your life in a sustainable, healthy way as an adult if they're your friends and friendship requires boundaries.

Loving your family is having boundaries so that you don't end up resenting them. People don't need to understand your boundaries. This is a big thing.

them. People don't need to understand your boundaries. This is a big thing.

People don't need to understand why you're saying something. You just need to mention your boundaries so that they will not say, do not tell them because you know how people will be behaving. Oh my god, I did not know if you tell me.

So tell them. Boundaries are not for other people. They're for you to keep.

So you decide on your boundaries and then you do whatever you need to make sure your boundaries are intact and it hurts. Love isn't always like all butterflies and roses. Love is also, excuse me, f**k off.

Watch yourself. Love is sometimes that and that's fine. Sometimes I have too much love to give is just a synonym for I have no boundaries and I have no backbone.

That's not love. Boundaries and love go hand in hand because you can love people and still care for yourself. Those things are not mutually exclusive.

People will do whatever they need to do but they usually come around especially if they want to be in your life. Ask me how I know. So this is from Shai writing from Florida.

Hi Shai. I am besties with someone I really liked. Okay.

He doesn't reciprocate those feelings he told me but I still have residual feelings for him in the most wholesome way. I adore him. I want to stay friends and so does he.

He considers me one of his best friends but I want to get over him because I think since we're close it's easy to keep convincing myself that maybe he might have feelings for me and that's painful. I am very delusional in nature. Shai.

Shai baby. You say in the most wholesome way I adore him but two lines below it you said I think since we're close it's easy to keep convincing myself that maybe he might have feelings for me. Then it's not wholesome baby.

You're telling lies. You're not delusional. You're lying.

Delusional people genuinely believe what they think and I use delusional in his true you know definition. You seem to be someone whose head is on correctly.

You seem to know that your friend does not reciprocate those feelings.

He told you and you're telling me. Delusional can also be positive in the sense of I am delusional about my dreams. I'm going to make it.

I don't care. I like that delusion. You don't adore him in the most wholesome way.

You used to adore him in a wholesome way. Now it's not just wholesome. You want more.

Don't break your friendship if it's that deep for you but right now you might you want to be more than friends so tell the truth and step away and deal with your feelings. You don't just turn feelings off and on. You don't just go oh I like you.

your feelings. You don't just turn feelings off and on. You don't just go oh I like you.

I don't like you back. Let's be friends. Girl let's just be honest here.

Step away. Take time. Say my bad.

I love you babe but I need some space so that I can deal with my feelings. How are you going to deal with your feelings when you're there? You're always there. Always seeing them.

There's nothing worse than wanting a person romantically and then convincing yourself that friendship is fine because the entire scene you do with them usually is just not honest. They'll be dealing with you as their friend and you'll be piling after them. They

honest. They'll be dealing with you as their friend and you'll be piling after them. They

will fall in love and you'll be having weird thoughts about the person they're in love with.

They'll be trusting you with something so dear to them and then you'll be making up stories in your mind. It's not healthy so let's start becoming honest people. That's really all that this is needed for.

It's sad but I don't have anything against having feelings for a friend.

I think that the most important thing will be if you fall for a friend to handle it with so much care and tenderness. Don't expect anything.

I think friendship is the most important important relationship in the world because every other relationship whether it's given by nature eventually can only be sustained through friendship. That shows you that friendship is not secondary to anything

through friendship. That shows you that friendship is not secondary to anything and I know this is why people get scared when their friends like them but the flow of a friendship is so unique. I've known my oldest friend since I was nine years old but we haven't always been in each other's lives since I was nine years old.

We went in, dipped out, dipped back in and we've been in for a number of like very long stretch of years now but when when they got back in connection with me they just called me. I don't even know where they got my number. It felt like we never we never forgot each other.

me. I don't even know where they got my number. It felt like we never we never forgot each other.

Dip in and dip out. If your friendship is really besties or if you're talking about besties in a way a lot of people just say besties so any random person oh they're my bestie but if we're talking about best friendship where the relationship is there's a huge rooted foundation of knowing yourselves and you're being vulnerable and you've been honest and you've dared to work

on life together and you've seen each other deeply and you've met each other deeply and it's not just besties in the air like real friendship. I think your friendship will survive it.

It will just have that little you know swing thing pendulum. Oh this is long. This is from Holly writing from Scotland.

pendulum. Oh this is long. This is from Holly writing from Scotland.

I've had therapy, have done and continue to self-improve. I'm stuck

between wanting and craving a relationship and wanting to stay single. Girl me too.

Me too and I'm sure there are people going me three, me four, me five. I don't take part in hookup culture so I will never be touched again. Girl what is this? How are those two things related? I don't take part in hookup culture too and I don't think I'll never be touched again.

related? I don't take part in hookup culture too and I don't think I'll never be touched again.

Girl what are you on about? I'm 27 years old I am not and will not pursue anyone. Back again to this pursuit thing. Ah the patriarchy has really knocked us over because it's it's the same thing.

Every time we talk to a woman it's always oh me I'm not pursuing anybody. Oh if they don't chase me ah. Are you a rat? Are you people chickens? What is this? I am impatient, finding it hard to allow things to naturally blossom, frustrating, lonely and somehow freeing.

I feel like I'm hunting down men like a rabid animal. Huh? Not physically,

love, but mentally. That's so funny.

Question. How can I take back control of my life without giving up the thought of marriage and what does a healthy partner even look like? Babe let me tell you something. I am single by choice okay.

I just love not having to think about anyone else and I can tell you this.

Sometimes I'll just be sitting in my house. In fact two days ago I was closing my gown.

As I was just zipping the gown like this, a hook boom in the middle. I look around I say Jesus this is what a romantic interest would be good for. Baby zip my zip.

Pull it up. But then I thought about it again. I was like yeah but it can be anybody.

Literally I can just knock on my neighbor's door and beg them to please zip up my clothing. You

know I mean I could go downstairs and ask any random stranger to zip me up because romantic people come with more than just zipping up my dress. They zip up my dress yeah.

They go to the stores for me yeah but what about all the other stuff that I'm not, I don't know that I want right now. So yes I understand that whole thing between wanting a romantic relationship and wanting to be single. My sister also talks about it.

I think she feels the same way. You don't take part in hookup culture. It's good for you.

Quite frankly personally I don't see any gain in hookup culture for women. People

will have their arguments. Oh well it's about pleasure.

I agree of course it's about pleasure but abortion is still illegal in many places. You know even where it's legal there's all these limits. You know there's so much shame and so much anger.

You know birth control sucks. It has all these side effects that our bodies have to endure. The way women's bodies are treated sucks.

Like I just don't see why I'm going to just allow any rando come near me with how expensive sex is on my body. I'm gonna pay. It's me that'll pay at the end of the day.

But then I don't think that means I'll never be touched again because there are healthy ways to get touch. You know there's romantic platonic intimacy coordination. There's so much you can do.

There's self-pleasure. So I don't know babe. You saying you'll never be touched again makes me wonder if part of why you feel like your life is out of control is maybe you're not getting your physical needs met.

Intimacy especially sexual intimacy is not just extreme or it's this way or that way unless you have any personal maybe personal belief systems that inform why you say this but there's so many ways to be touched that is in hookup culture. Dear women

let me write you a letter on my mic. Stop leaving your romantic life up to chance.

If you really want to be in a romantic relationship go out there and get your partner. Get your man. Get your woman.

Don't just sit down and wait for people to fall through your roof to meet you.

Put yourself out there. I think there's a lot of conflicting information here Holly.

The first part of your writing makes it look like you're fine not not having a relationship but if you feel like your life is out of control in some way it means that you want a relationship and Holly it's okay to be honest. It's okay to want one and that means dating a lot of frogs

kissing a lot of frogs. You have to play the game of being in the dirty ugly piss-filled wicked nonchalant mean-ass narcissistic sick dating pool but even in that pool they are decent people.

They are rare but they exist. The more you meet the more you decide what you hate. The

more you decide what you don't like the more you think you like that thing and then you met it and you're like ew I actually don't like this stuff.

What a healthy partner looks like is what you want. It's all about your values. I can't tell you what a healthy partner looks like because

your values. I can't tell you what a healthy partner looks like because two toxic people together think they're working because both of them are toxic.

Part of learning what you think is healthy is being outside. Yeah the world sucks.

Men do make the world terrible in many ways but then there's also decent men.

They're very rare but they exist because I think from what you've written that you really want one and you're just not being pinpointing that honesty in yourself but if genuinely marriage is something that you know you don't really care about or it doesn't have that much bearing for you like for me why can't it just be something that could happen or something that may not happen. Be honest

with yourself because someone who genuinely is is neutral about what they want will not feel like their life is falling apart or will not feel like they must give up the thought of marriage so they can have a life that isn't falling apart. This is from Harper writing from England.

My best friend and I drifted without ever fighting. We used to talk all the time. It

feels like we're both avoiding it or just acting like we're just used to each other.

I don't know if I should fight for the friendship or accept that we outgrew each other. When do you let go? Girl if you don't go and talk to your friend. What is this? What are you doing here?

let go? Girl if you don't go and talk to your friend. What is this? What are you doing here?

Harper? Harper? How many times have I called your name? Harper? Hold your ear as I talk to you.

If you don't go and talk to your best friend what are you doing? What's up with this? Go

and collect your best friend. Now me telling you to go and talk to your best friend doesn't mean that you talking to them suddenly your friendship will fix itself. No.

But there's this thing that tends to happen when people love each other and also have been together for a while. Sometimes you tend to take each other for granted. It happens all the time.

I remember like years ago this was like 2018-ish or 2019 I'm not sure. I can't remember what the issue was because it's in the past now but my best friend and I had something happen and I remember I called her and I was trying to explain to her how I was feeling and she just wasn't taking in what I was saying. Like she was she would be like really agitated about what I

was saying and I remember just saying to her Bestie we can't take each other for granted.

Like I know we love each other and I know we've been together for years but I don't want us to ever take each other for granted. I want us to be really able to see the other person as a human being all the time a new person see their growth and make an effort to learn who they are and I'm not completely saying I was completely right or maybe I didn't have any part in what was

happening then because I can't really remember what was happening but that's just what happens you start taking someone for granted because you think you know them but then you're forgetting that people grow every day and they change every day so go and get your best friend sit down and be vulnerable and honest. Like I'd rather break up a friendship of years knowing why

it ended respectfully and lovingly releasing my friend and knowing that our time together is up than because it's cowardly it's cowardice like let's just call it what it is because this is not like a stranger who wronged you or someone who did something terrible to you and you're like you know what I'm not doing this and you just walked away it's fair fair fair

sometimes some things happen and there's just no need to to yap about it you just leave but this is a best friend go and get your friend man someone has to reach out someone has to someone has to take that step toward the other person since both of you are being cold someone needs

to be brave and since you're the one writing this Harper be brave your best friend will thank you.

My sister who is one of my best friends like she's one of the greatest loves of my life when we were younger we just had so much happen in our lives that there was just this bad blood between both of us and it wasn't that we didn't did anything to each other but our environment had just made it that we're both in survival mode that there was love but like so much tension between both

of us so when I left home I went to uni and had this freedom finally and space to think about what was wrong and how I wanted to heal and who I wanted in my life and I looked at my life and went I want my sisters my brothers there and I was like I don't know why our relationship should just

fall apart so when I went home for holiday one of the years I remember calling my sister and saying babe I want us to talk let's talk let's let's have let's hash out whatever it is let's go back to the beginning and my sister told me how she felt and where her tension and animosity came

from and I gave her my own perspective look at us today love of my life so but somebody has to get over themselves it strengthened our friendship we now know each other more we now know what the other person needs because sometimes you're like oh we're drifting apart and it might be that somebody just feels like they're not being heard they're not being seen they feel like

they're being removed like it can be anything you will not know that you and your friend agree each other without that conversation so go have it and it's okay if you find out that you know what we actually have outgrown each other then you release it with love and understanding mutuality you know so when you talk about them it's like fondness because y'all I know if it was a romantic interest

now you'd be jumping fences climbing fences calling all your friends who are detectives to get it sorted you people you people need to stop joking with friendships you people don't don't piss me off Harper wow this is from someone named I think is Brian because of how it's spelled but

I'll pronounce it as Brian because this would be such a a rad pronunciation rad spelling for Brian b-u-r-a-i-a-n from Kenya Brian your view on homosexuality now Brian I view homosexuality the same way I view pansexuality bisexuality demisexuality heterosexuality because it's just a

normal natural way that human beings are sexually orientated there's nothing you know separate or unique about it let me tell you something the LGBT plus community have been here since the beginning of the times and they will always be here and I think we need to get with the program I don't know what your intention was so I'm not going to assume it's a negative scene but I can't wait for

us to stop asking questions like what do you think about homosexuality or what if your daughter was gay what would you do what if your son was gay what would you do duh the next question this is from Renee US hello Pearlie hi babe I'm 23 and to be honest I still have no idea what I want to do

with my life I feel behind compared to everyone around me how do you find purpose when every option feels wrong you find purpose by trying and failing that clarity comes in movement there's no right or wrong when it comes to your life I mean we know what is right or wrong in terms of oh don't kill people we know that drugs can mess you up so I advise anybody that is young if you

can avoid drugs please do just do like there's no need piling up that adding that to what you have to survive like the world's already hard enough don't do that to yourself but when it comes to what to do with your life there's no right or wrong you find that it's wrong when you're in it and it doesn't feel right then you turn another path and that path becomes right if you don't move

then you're paralyzed you keep wondering oh is this right is this wrong then you're not doing anything you find where you want to go by moving by taking the chance you you there's no other way wait a minute this oh my god I'm so mean this is from Ashria I don't know if I'm pronouncing your name correctly my babe from South Africa my question is am I stupid for staying with

a boy that bought Onlyfans and spent money on a website called Comich while being with me babe I think you know the answer but let me challenge you this isn't about stupidity no because stupidity is about intelligence in this situation I don't see your intelligence being up for

um argument you I don't have to contend or argue about whether you're an intelligent person or not no there's so many intelligent people who have low self-esteem so you're not stupid but do you like yourself Ashria that's the question because I think sometimes when we ask questions like oh am I stupid am I dumb we're not asking the real question ask it don't let people do things to you

that you'll never do to someone else even if you find it hard to respect and love yourself draw the line there it's not about stupidity Ashria it's about self-worth and self-concept that's all babe our next question is from Mimi Mimi says I come from a family that doesn't talk we never address

conflict we just avoid if something happens everybody distances themselves for a few days and then we all pretend everything is fine years of unresolved issues are piling up and I'm feeling suffocating do you have any words of advice scream the house down Mimi let me tell you something

somebody has to be willing to break the curse somebody has to be willing to fight somebody has to be willing to break the status quo if you're sick of a family that avoids then stop avoiding don't tell them to stop avoiding become the chaotic conflict bulldozer that's it when they do

something to you they need to know that what will ensue after their actions is you screaming and don't worry about health because I think sometimes because we're such a therapized society now that sometimes people forget that in the process of healing chaos is sometimes necessary and in fact

not just that it's sometimes necessary sometimes it's what leads to the balance that people are looking for that chaos that craziness and madness where people are fighting and screaming a family that will not talk become their nemesis scream if someone does something to you make sure you bang down their door because the truth is that's if you want them in your life I mean you can decide

to cut them off and move on if that's what you want but someone has to try someone has to start fighting screaming someone has to start screaming at parents too like some people don't like it I'm African so you can imagine I started fighting my parents I was like you got the f**k you mean like I started speaking up I stopped being so afraid I'm like I'm a person I became crazy I

grabbed my siblings I introduced I love you to my family I introduced the phrase saying I love you it's me it's my doing I can take that credit for my family I said saying I love you and I'll look you in the dead in the eyes till you say it back my siblings sometimes love you too hey

come back here I where's the I so love you we can do now because you know we've been saying I love you now for years but at the beginning I'm like where's my I love you no tell me I love you like I come from a family of blunt people we are very blunt it's just we're just like that like I can't

we're just naturally straightforward people even at some point we're like okay I know we're blunt but let's also try to be kinder to with how we speak to each other like but you can't do that if everybody's pretending and avoiding so somebody has to become the maniac so that everybody else

must react to their craziness ghost therapy is not always an accessible language because it's always online but people forget therapy is not accessible everywhere so I don't know where you come from you didn't tell me where so if you must bulldoze your way in bulldoze your way in you guys should figure it out together I don't care if you can do therapy go to therapy if you can't try my style it worked

Hey Anna, writing from France, you know, Paris. Hi pearl,

my ex and I broke up four months ago, but we still text every day.

Girl, sleep over at each other's places and hook up. He keeps saying he's not ready for a relationship, but he acts like my boyfriend in every way except the label. I am scared to walk away, but I also feel like I'm being breadcrumbed.

the label. I am scared to walk away, but I also feel like I'm being breadcrumbed.

How do I break this cycle? Girl, if I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't want a relationship either when I'm getting everything. Babe, stand up. Ana, girl, get up.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Pick yourself up. Get up.

You're not being breadcrumbed. No, no. You're literally in a pit with your eyes wide open.

Someone told you they don't want a relationship. What else do you want from them? Breadcrumbing is when they're deceiving you. They're trying to keep you on the hook.

them? Breadcrumbing is when they're deceiving you. They're trying to keep you on the hook.

So they drop A, drop B, and then you think they like you, and then they disappear, and then come back to make sure that you're still there. That's breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbing is deceit.

Our dear uncle has told you, I am not ready for a relationship. Why are you still there? Girl, roll up. Stop.

You're still falling. Fix yourself,

please. What are you saying? I would want a relationship too if I get to text every day.

Companionship. Sleep over at each other's places. A,

companionship, plus buddy, yaddy, yaddy, hookup. Girl. They're getting all the benefits without any of the work. If you want a relationship, leave your ex-boyfriend.

You literally told me, ex-boyfriend? Girl, this whole thing is just annoying me. Like,

I'm even trying to be nice to you, but I don't even know where to start. This is 2025, Anna.

Baby, what are we talking about here? You break the cycle by fixing your crown, standing up, and leaving. Stop texting them. They're your ex.

You need time to recover from the past relationship, and you've not even had a single second to recover. Oh, this is annoying me. Like, I just hate stuff like this.

I'm trying to be nice, but I'm just so annoyed. I'm trying to be nice, but I'm just so annoyed. Help me.

This is my true form. A mean bitch. Jesus Christ.

Why do I have to read stuff like this? Anna, fix your crown. Ooh. Oh, this is from Zuri, writing from Uganda, I am tired of healing, therapy, journaling, shadow work.

I've tried everything, but I feel like I'm stuck in a loop of self-improvement. It

feels like there's no end. Do you have any tips? Zuri, you're not a project.

That's why you're tired. You don't need to be improving yourself all the time because living is self-improvement. Do you know, if you're paying attention to life, that's self-improvement.

That's why every time I get questions like, tell me the book that changed your life, none. No single book changed my life. Why? Because I learned from everything.

none. No single book changed my life. Why? Because I learned from everything.

If I'm sitting by the lake, you best believe I am being changed. There's

so much depth and movement in water. If you pay attention, it changes you.

Sometimes just the sound, the trickling is so healing. Music does the same.

Have you watched the birds? My balcony, they do come here often.

And something in me is changing, the moon. My point is, Zuri, don't buy into self-improvement as a ritual. Maybe there's something in your life that you really need to work on.

Like for me, it's my patience. I'm not a very patient person. It might seem like I am.

It's not a virtue I have naturally. So I really have to work hard. And these days I'm doing so much better.

I surprise myself how patient I am with people these days. So there might be an area of your life that you know that this area must work on. You can pay attention to that, but you're not a project, you're a person.

I actually have a video on this channel called something about self-improvement, or you're a human, or you're not doing life wrong. It's one of my oldest videos. It's a beautiful video.

I love it. You should watch it. It's exhausting to everyday wake up and act like a robot.

So stop the robot behavior and you'll feel okay. Life,

it shouldn't be like that. It's already hard enough to be a human being.

And it seems to me that there's all these stringent rules and ways of being that you've added onto your life. Don't buy into the self-improvement hoax. It's a fallacy.

Don't do that. You're a person. Live like one.

Go breathe clean air. Go talk to the trees. They're really great listeners and they're so kind and they speak life into you if you can hear them, you know, or listen to the wind.

It really carries so much. I don't know, but I'm just telling you it does well to me. The moon is so kind.

The moon is so kind. Such a great friend. You wouldn't know this if every day you're sitting down hunched over a book.

I have improved myself. Slow and steady. You never stop improving till the day you die.

Change is constant. So don't bulldoze your way. You're a human being, not a robot.

I hope that helps. Jill is writing from Berlin. Jill says,

how can I stop repeating the old patterns like running into the wrong guys? I always

end up with men who are only interested in my services or better cervixes.

Listen, Jill. Okay. You stop repeating old patterns by making new choices.

It really is that simple. Every single person on earth runs into wrong guys. You don't end up with men who are interested in your cervixes.

wrong guys. You don't end up with men who are interested in your cervixes.

You accept men who are interested in your services or cervixes. This is f***ing me up. Messing me up.

We all run into quote unquote the wrong people. I don't believe that people attract certain type of people. I know it's a huge messaging on the internet.

You are what you attract. Lies. It's victim blaming.

No. Humans attract all kinds of people. Just like moths are drawn to flames.

If someone sees someone that's shining or whatever, they will be drawn to them. Evil,

whether they are good, evil, whatever intentions they have. People like shiny things.

So people will gravitate towards you, whoever they are. It's now your duty to be discerning. Jill from Berlin.

Listen, you're not a goat, you know, being dragged to the slaughter. If you've realized that every time you end up with a guy, it seems that almost all the guys you end up with are interested in one thing, then maybe change the timeline of when they get access to your cervix. Do you see what I mean? Make different choices.

Everybody has different patterns. I can't say that the guys in my life, the guys I've come across are interested in my cervixes. I can say though, that I'm also someone that maybe I've entertained men who have pretended to be worthy or not.

So now I'm paying attention. What have I done? I've tightened up my security. Okay.

So now I'm doing more listening, more watching their actions, more time, more time, giving things time to play out because someone can say their this and do their this within one month, two months, give them five months. Let's see if they can still keep up with the act. The

mask does slip at some point because you can't get into my pants anyway, unless I want you in there.

Tighten up, babes. Change your choices because if it's about wrong guys, it's you'd be hard pressed, hard pressed in a society that tells men that, you know, having sex is how to prove themselves. All these things, a society that pushes a lot of men towards that.

themselves. All these things, a society that pushes a lot of men towards that.

You'd be hard pressed to find a guy out in the streets who might not want sex if you offered it. There are men like that who exist who, you know, pay attention to where they get it from.

it. There are men like that who exist who, you know, pay attention to where they get it from.

But it just leads into what men have always been told that their worst can be found in sex.

You know, whatever, how many people you can conquer is such a sick thing, but it's a whole thing. So until we stop living in a patriarchy, a lot of men will be glad to have sex with any woman who offers. So I don't think you're running into like this group of random evil men.

You're running into an average man. I don't believe in purity culture, so I don't really care when a person decides to have sex, but just don't make a choice and then cry about the effects on your life. Does that make sense? Like, I don't care what you do, but defend your choices.

And if you hate them, change them. It really is that simple for me. Consent is real.

You know, so we're not talking about R-A-P-E here or assault here or battery, that's a better language for it, here. So if it's your cervix that is, you notice that they're coming for, then guard your cervix a bit more so that you can weed them out. Get what you want, because if you want a relationship, then lead with that.

Take that off the table so that you get what you need. Healthy at the right pace. Take it slow.

Take it slow. You have a say here. And I really want to speak to my girls.

You have a say. Don't just have sex because someone wants to have sex. The f**k? I like you.

Don't mean I'll sleep with you. I decide. It's my body.

Hello. I don't care what you're feeling. I decide.

Jail Baby. Jack and Jill. What's the song? The nursery rhyme.

Jack and, wait a minute. I was going to sing Jack and Jill went up to the hill and something, something, something. That's not a, that's not a song.

something, something. That's not a, that's not a song.

What? Jack? Eh? Eh? I can't remember s**t. Mr. Mr. Mr. Okay, let me just give up. There's no need.

Oh my God. I love this question. Nicole.

This is from Nicole. Is everything random or is there some kind of fate?

What are your thoughts on it? I don't think everything in the world is just random. But then I think that your destiny is in your hands.

random. But then I think that your destiny is in your hands.

I know some people genuinely believe that everything is pre-written and you cannot change it. You're on this path. And if it's not this path, well, you're stuck.

change it. You're on this path. And if it's not this path, well, you're stuck.

Well, I don't believe that because I think that's such a powerless way to live. That's

so powerless. Let's just say that maybe at the end of my life, I realized, oh my God, I had no power.

I had no bearing. So be it. But I refuse with my eyes open and with my brain working to assume that somebody somewhere is just, you know, moving me like a puppet, moving my hands and my leg.

No, I have power over my reality. I choose. I think that we all have millions of possibilities.

And that's why I don't think everything is random. Because I think when you make this choice, then this could be the outcome. If you make that choice, then that could be the outcome.

Like someone could sit and calculate it maybe mathematically of what would happen if someone went down this route or went down that route. But

this is my life. I have power to decide what happens to me.

Sometimes there are things that happen. You call them acts of God or natural things, natural things that you can't control. But outside of those things, you can control everything else.

You can control how you react. You can control how much impact it has on your life down the line.

That's why you can put like two different people in the same situation and they will have two outcomes, two reactions to that because everybody's different.

Maybe someone can sit and say, yeah, but if you really think about it and break it down, we are powerless. That's your choice. Live that way if you wish.

It really is all about what you believe. But whatever the sun does and the moon does and the stars do and the trees do, I find my own story within that. I write my own story within that.

And I genuinely believe that the sun and the moon and the trees are my friends and they have been quite frankly, like for real for years. Like every time I see the moon, I say hello and she says hello back. But that's my belief.

I believe that everything in some manner, in some way is working for my good and has nothing against me. So even when things are dire and terrible, I think, well, it's a happening by

against me. So even when things are dire and terrible, I think, well, it's a happening by chance. I don't think somebody cursed me or something has been written against me.

chance. I don't think somebody cursed me or something has been written against me.

It's so powerless. I just, I can't live that way. And there are things I can't control, but where I can, I take the bull by the horns.

And she has another question. The eyes are like a gate one can see through into another person's soul. But do you see their soul or do you see what you like to see in there? Is your perception

soul. But do you see their soul or do you see what you like to see in there? Is your perception blurred from your own emotional state? So we definitely project our stuff onto other people.

That one is for real. Like, you know, how you are is usually how you see people. Like people usually see the world how they are, not how the world is.

So we are all wearing like these self tinted glasses. But at the same time, I would say, I don't think the eyes are the window to the soul. I think they can be one of, ah, I think people carry their stories in everything.

Like if you watch a person's fingers, I think you can tell some things about them if you're perceptive. I think a shoulder tells so much about a human being. I think sometimes the way people move, like the way they carry their body,

being. I think sometimes the way people move, like the way they carry their body, the way they hold themselves, tell a lot about who they are.

People carry their stories in even unrelated words. They're not telling you about their lives, but they mention something and that word clicks and you're like, wow, that's interesting. And then, wow.

While for some people, especially people that wear their hearts on their sleeves, you look at their eyes and maybe you can see deeply into who they might be or who they are. But what if someone is cold? You know, they're not connected. And then you look in their eyes and there's this lostness and or maybe they've practiced some sort of shield and that's how they show up.

How do you know? Do you see anything? I don't know. It depends on what you're actually looking for, isn't it? I don't know. Like I always had this habit of really studying people like crazy.

But then even as I grow now, I have to sometimes like draw myself out of it, like allow people to just be and maybe try and learn about a person from them.

Like instead of just looking around and just studying and just looking at just parts of their body and trying to draw lines and find things, just wait for the person to open up because maybe sometimes it can be jarring or it can be invasive without my knowing. So I don't know.

Like I'm trying to be less like just less on the nose with people and more just allowing things to happen naturally because I don't know why. But as a kid, I just used to study everything.

Like I could walk into a room and know who was sad just by being in the room a few moments.

Like I'd just look around and just watch and study. And with that, my loves, the gates of Pearl gently close for today. Whatever landed, whatever you heard today, whatever spell may or may not have been cast, let it simmer, let it spark or let it do what it gotta do.

Okay? If you want to submit your own questions for the upcoming episodes, and I know that you do, the link is in the description box wherever you're watching or listening. I am your host, Pearl Adah. And until next time, this has been This Might Be A Spell. This might be a spell.

Pearl Adah. And until next time, this has been This Might Be A Spell. This might be a spell.

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