马歇尔·卢森堡-非暴力沟通基础工作坊（全）

but first let me Begin by clarifying the purpose of nonviolent communication its purpose is to help you to do what you already know how to

do now why do we need to learn something today that you already know how to do because sometimes we forget to do this

we forget because we've been educated to forget now what is it that I'm talking about that we already know how to do the

purpose of this process is to help us to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible natural giving possible what do

I mean by natural giving let me do you a song to make it clear uh what I mean by natural [Music]

giving I never feel more given to than when you take from me when you understand the joy I

feel caring for you and you know my giving isn't

done to put you in my debt but because I want to live the love I feel for

you to receive with Grace May be the greatest giving there's no way that I can separate the

[Music] two when you give to me I give you my

receiving and when you take from me I feel so given [Music] to

you all know that giving you know how to do it and that's what I'm interested in are remembering to stay with that quality of giving Moment by moment in

any connection but we also all know that it's easy to lose it it's easy to lose that connection so that instead of

enjoying that quality of giving Which is possible every moment in every contact we have in spite of how precious that is we

forget and instead of playing the game that that song is about which I call making life wonderful that's it's the most fun game I've ever

heard instead much of the time we play another game called who's right have you ever played that

game see it's a game where everybody loses so isn't this amazing that we all know about this quality of giving that the

song was about it's possible every moment we Val we we find that the richest thing to do and much of our life we end up

playing who's right now the game of who's right involves two of the most devious things human beings have ever come come upon

one punishment see cuz if you're wrong in the game of who's right then you deserve to suffer can you imagine a more diabolical concept to educate

people so uh if you haven't already abstained from punishment I'm sure by the end of the day that will no longer be a part of your Consciousness no more

punishment you won't do it in your families we'll get rid of it with criminals it just makes things more violent we'll find other ways to deal with other

nations beside Punishment No More Punishment No More reward it's the same game see it's part of the game of who's

right if you're right then you get rewarded if you're wrong you get punished no more no more it's created enough violence on the

planet no more guilt induction see no more shame no more concepts of Duty and obligation Ju Just What the song is

about natural giving so how did we get off Target we got off Target according to Walter wink a theologian who writes in

his book the powers that be we got off Target about 5,000 years ago we we lost we got off Target because because we

started to get some wild thinking wild thinking that human beings are innately

evil and when you believe that that human beings are innately evil then if things aren't going as we would like what's the corrective process the corrective process is

penitence you see when people are evil you think that the way to bring about change when people are behaving in a way you don't like is to make people hate themselves

for what they're doing so for these political reasons and Theological reasons we started to develop a language that I call Jackal language it's a

language that cuts us off from life and uh makes it very easy do to be violent very easy to be violent in fact

in that book I mentioned wink says that domination cultures one of the things you have to educate people is to make violence enjoyable

see and we've done a good job of that we make violence enjoyable in our culture the two hours a night from 7 to 9: when children are watching television the

most and 75% of the programs they watch the hero either kills somebody or beats them up you see so we and when does this happen at the climax of the program

we've been educated for quite a while while to make violence enjoyable so even though I think what that song was about is what is really closer to our nature

this natural giving we've been educated to make violence enjoyable and educated in a way we can even be violent to our

children so what is Jackal language like see Jackal language as I've mentioned is a language of moralistic judgments

you think in terms of who's right who's wrong who's good who's bad and when you mention change yes we want change at times so how do you get

change in the Jackal system watch a parent try to bring about change in the child this is a parent teaching a young child say one of the most important

words in Jackal say you're sorry I'm thy you're not really sorry I can see it you're not really

sorry I'm sorry okay I forgive you can you imagine a game like that can you imagine a parent responding to a

child that way and if a parent is going to do that to a child in their own family what are they going to do to people from other cultures who behave in the way they don't appreciate so of course you're going to

have violence wherever you have this kind of thinking in cultures that do not have this thinking you don't see violence you

see so that's how we got off Target even though we could be playing the game make life wonderful each moment we have been educated for quite a while to play

another game who's right so what are the parts of this game of who's right I've I've just mentioned one of them one part is moralistic judgments learning how to go up to our

head and think B basically in terms of right and wrong good and bad normal abnormal I learned this game very well I

speak several dialects of Jackal I grew up speak I grew up in Detroit we spoke a rather harsh dialect

of Jackal we might call it Detroit Jackal for example um if I'm out driving and uh someone is driving in a way that I don't like and again I want to inst

all change you see I I roll down the window idiot now theoretically the person is supposed to

repent I confess I was wrong sir uh I will I will change the eror of my ways it's a great Theory it didn't

work I've tried it more than once it doesn't work so I thought maybe it was that particular particular dialect of Jackal so I decided to get the more

cultured use of Jackal so I went to the university and got a doctor's degree in professional Jackal now when somebody's driving in a

way I don't like I roll down the window psychopath still doesn't work you see there's another part of this language of jackal

that's very important you see a language that denies Choice denies responsibility for our actions I use the word ampra for this

part uh having read an interview with the Nazi war criminal Adolf akman at his trial for war crimes in

Jerusalem Ahman was asked was it hard to send tens of thousands of of people to their death and akman answered candidly he

said to tell you the truth it was easy our language made it easy that interview shocked that uh that answer shocked his

interviewer and his interviewer said what language akman said in fact my fellow Nazi officers and I we had our own name

for our language we called it ampt ampt in German means office Anda language I'd call that bureaucratic

language he was asked for some examples man said it's a language in which you deny responsibility for your your

actions so if somebody asks you why you did it you say I had to then you don't feel so bad if you have to do it you see you're not responsible but why did you have to Jack

superior's orders company policy they made me do it I couldn't do

elsewise very dangerous language very dangerous we have giraffe schools I use

the word giraff you see is a symbol for nonviolence we'll see today that the language we're going to study is a language of the heart and so I use giraffe language for

that because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal so

um giraffe requires uh always being conscious of choice you see we never do anything that we don't choose to

do but I was teaching giraffe to a group of parents and teachers in one uh community and uh we have giraffe schools throughout the world we have five in

Israel four in Palestine uh some in Serbia and so forth and in giraffe schools of course we want to make sure that certainly that

the teachers and parents never use one of the most dangerous languages in the world to teach a child you have to do

something so I was saying this one time in St Louis Missouri to a group of parents and teachers and a mother got very upset she said but there are some things you have to do whether you like

to do it or not it's our job parents to teach our children what they have to do I mean there's things I do every day that I hate to do but there just are some things you have to

do well I said could you give me an example she said well easy there's so many let me think okay like when I leave here tonight I have to go home and cook

I hate to cook I hate it with a passion but I've done it every day for 20 years even when I've been sick

well I said I'll be very happy today to show you another way of thinking another language that I hope would open up happier possibilities for you well I'm pleased to report she was a rapid

giraffe student she went home that very evening and announced to her family that she no longer wanted to cook I got some feedback from her

family the feed that came two weeks later when I swung through that City again and was doing an evening workshop and who shows up uh the her two older

Sons she had four sons and they they came up at the beginning to introduce themselves and I said hey I'm glad you guys came up here I've been very curious what's going on in your family your

mother's been calling me regularly telling me about all the changes she made in her life since the training and I he like what happened that first night when she came home and announced that

she no longer wanted to cook the oldest son said to me Marshall I said to myself thank [Laughter]

God I said help me understand that one he said I said to myself now maybe she won't complain at every meal you see you see natural giving what I started Ed the day off with that song

anything we do in life that isn't coming out of that energy we pay for it and everybody else pays for it anything we do out of fear of punishment if we don't everybody pays

for it anything we do for a reward everybody pays for it everything we do to make people like us everybody pays for it

everything we do out of guilt shame Duty obligation everybody pays for that isn't what we would Des designed for we were designed to enjoy giving to give from the

heart um Marshall yes I'm over here my son brought me to one of your seminars and I met you some 10 years ago yes in

Oakland yes now I'm trying to bring my son back to come here and he uh said last night when I told him I was coming

here he said well why don't you go ahead have a couple of appointments uh maybe you could teach me something so I thought I would come to learn something maybe I can teach him but I'd like to

teach him and I don't know how to do that I'd like to teach him to at least give me the time of day to communicate with him he doesn't do that willingly

and when I try to demand it it may becomes worse yes so how do I do that well we're going to that'll be a good situation to work work on today cuz I'm

going to ask everyone to think of a situation right now where somebody's behaving in a way you don't like so in this case it's your son who when you offer you ask him to communicate he says

no the first thing I'll suggest is you can't teach anybody anything that's right and to have that as an objective is itself to create problems so yeah uh

so let's re let's change the objective let's never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody if that's your objective you'll create

resistance so that' be my first suggestion today never try to teach anybody anything or to change

anybody that clear yeah okay so what do you do then give up no no no no see th this is this is the this is the thinking

that's been shaped in Us by Jackal see the game of who's right win lose so then if we can't change and win then then the option we think of is to be a chump and

lose you see we we we've been educated to think in those two ways win lose right wrong no I'll show you a way uh another option okay let's get into it

let's uh give you a chance to practice it some of you have already thought of uh situations such as somebody you want very much to communicate with they say

no so think of somebody at the moment who is behaving in a way that is not making life wonderful for you and you'd like to to get to the place that the

song was about where everybody's needs can get met and people are giving to one another from the heart willingly not out of coercion you see let's see if we can

show you a process to get there in this situation to get everybody's needs met and where people give willingly not out of any

coercion so maybe you are living at home maybe you choose today to work on a child that you were living with at home says horrible horrible Jackal things such as

no oh you laugh you try living with one for a while and please brush your teeth no maybe you are living at home with a

jackal speaking partner who says horrible Jackal things such as that hurts me when you say that we'll see today that it's a violent

Act to say others make you feel as you do see to imply that others can make you feel hurt or angry maybe at work somebody's behaving

in a way you don't like they come late they're not producing as well as you would like maybe your nextdoor neighbor has been sexually molesting children whoever you want to pick somebody who's behaving

in a way you don't like and you'd like to see how we would arve arrive at the objective of creating the quality of connection that will get everybody's needs

met through natural giving that's our objective here okay now open up your materials to uh the last

page second to the last page at the top it says expressing how we are and what we would like and it says under a think of someone who

does something that makes life less than wonderful for you this so this person that I'm asking you to think about who's presently behaving in a way you're not

crazy about and what I'd like you to do is answer this question write here one thing that the person does that you don't like we're going to work on one

specific AC action that the person does that you don't like to get you familiar with the process today maybe the person does several things but we're going to show you how the process works by

showing you how to communicate with the person about one specific thing they do so write under a one thing this person does that you don't

like now when I was here in San Francisco working with the school system back in the 70s the superintendent of schools asked

me to go into an elementary school he said the parents are complaining about the quality of relationship between these teachers and the administrator they said the tension in the school is

so great that the parents want to take their children out of the school so he asked if I would go in and see if I could open up better

communication between the staff and the administrator the the plan was I would meet first with the teachers and then get the teachers and the administrator together so in my meeting with the

teachers I started with a question that I just asked you I said to the teachers can you tell me one thing that the administrator does that makes it hard

for you to work with him I was asking for an observation a concrete Behavior what is one thing he

does the first teacher to respond said this he has a big mouth now can you see the difference between the question I ask and the

answer I got I did not ask what size mouth does the principle so this teacher was giving me an evaluation an analysis that implies

wrongness you see we've been so trained to think that way that sometimes we can't separate fact and opinion we all we see is our

enemy image see whether it's an individual or a nation we have been trained to think

in enemy images wrongness and it obscures reality we we don't see the behavior we just see our enemy

image in his book out of weakness Andrew schmookler says that when cultures are taught to think this way not to just see the person but an

image a judgment they've made bombs are never far away you see so I pointed this out to the

gentleman that this was not an answer to my question I wanted to know one thing the principal did this man was stuck he he he just couldn't get it the woman

sitting next to him tried to help she says well I know what he's referring to I said okay help him out what what's one thing that the principal does he talks too much no too

much is a judgment I ask for an observation not a judgment see this this is how Jackal speaking people think they really have been brought up to think

there is such a thing as a just right amount of everything and too much and too little and that they know what it is see so they think that

way doesn't make resolving conflicts too easy with them when people have an idea that there's a right and a too much and a too little and they know what it is and especially when they mix it up

with an observation I was just asking what does the person do and again for the second time this person couldn't see the behavior separate from the Judgment a third person tried to help

well I know what they're talking about okay what he thinks he's the only one that has anything worth saying no telling me what you think he

thinks is an evaluation you're making of what you think is going on in his head I was asking for what does he

do a fourth woman said he wants to be the center of attention all the time I said now you're giving me a judgment or a diagnosis of his motives even if it's accurate it's a diagnosis of his motives

it's not an observable behavior my question was what does he do now the entire faculty sits there quiet no nobody can answer the

question and one of the women said to me boy Marshall that's hard to do yes in fact the philosopher Krishna

morti says that to observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence you see so those of us who have been taught

to think in these enemy images immediately to think right wrong good bad normal abnormal appropriate inappropriate to this to

that we can't see reality all we see is our enemy images well with great help with with great effort on my part I finally got them to get rid of the images and answer

this simple question what does he do there was several things but the one that they wanted particularly to start working with him on was this that during

their once a week faculty meetings regardless of what was on the agenda he would relate it to a war experience or a childhood experience and the average

meeting lasted 20 minutes longer than it was scheduled okay that answered my question of what he did did he talked about war experiences childhood experiences rather than sticking to the

agenda I said have you called that to his attention they said well we can see now that when we tried to talk to him about it these other judgments get mixed in and he gets defensive so they thought it

would be a good idea to talk talked to him about it but they asked if I would be at the meeting just in case so I attended their next staff meeting and I saw rather quickly what

they were talking about because almost as soon as an issue came up the principal would say oh that reminds me of a time and he would start to tell a

story and I was waiting for somebody to confront him on this in giraffe but instead of that there was a lot of nonverbal jackling going on people were

going like this rolling their eyes poking the person next to them yawning looking at their watches holding

the watches up to the ears and I watched this scenario going on for a while and I said excuse me but isn't somebody going to say something now there's a silence and the

man who spoke up in our first meeting I could just see him getting his courage up and he looks at the principal and says Ed you have a big mouth so let's see if whether what you

wrote down answered the question I asked is it an observable Behavior or did you mix in any evaluation and my two friends here will help us to make this evaluation um this animal has been

taught uh to somewhat like a police dog to sniff out narcotics if there's any Jackal mixed in he will howl if you answered the question this animal will

dance so sir what did you write down my dad blames my wife oh for my

choices he does what my dad blames my wife for my choices yes blames is a is a judgment see that's already putting me

evaluation into it Dad do you see yourself as blaming her no I see myself as calling attention to the facts so see Dad doesn't see that as blaming no

I'm educating thank you Dad yes okay so how do we say see we need a direct quote we need to give it to make it an observable Behavior we need to say my

father says what all of his problems you are responsible for all of his

problems he says this to the wife you are responsible for all of his problems that's it yes okay that's a direct quote that's what he says that's giraffe

language you made a direct quote okay see as soon as you see have the word blame in your Consciousness it's going to change the whole energy with which you approach the person because

you're basically making a judgment of them as blaming which everybody knows is wrong yes I have the mic ohc lately my

son is not doing history history homework MH okay my dad makes har harsh judgments

and insulting remarks oh my God you've killed my poor Jack he could have handled the harsh B was one judgment but insulting harsh and insulting you know see you know those

are two judgments that actually he does use insulting words no there is no such thing after today in fact seriously by 4:30 this afternoon you will never hear

another insult it won't exist insults will not exist I'm going to show you to use some technology today that takes insults and criticism out of the Waves

Airwaves so that no matter what your father says you can never hear another harsh statement or another insult because we're going to show you today how to use this

technology and with this technology it will be impossible for you to hear criticism harsh remarks insults with these

ears all you can hear is the only thing human beings are ever saying please and thank you see that's all we're going to show you today that

all what used to sound like criticism judgments blame are simply tragic suicidal expressions of

please my brother yells at me to get in the car to go to school and then he makes me late to school who yells

see but you see yells yells is a uh kind of a little bit of an evaluation he he speaks in a tone of voice yeah okay it's a tone of voice I was asked at Lincoln

High School is there Lincoln High School in San Francisco many years ago I was asked to work with the faculty there they were having a lot of tension amongst the faculty racially ethnically there's a

lot of tensions and the superintendent asked me to work there and I started the day asking tell me something that somebody else on the faculty does that you don't like man turns to the woman

next to him and says I don't like it when you yell in our faculty meetings she says who yells now she was from a different culture than this man see what was

yelling in her culture was quite different and about 10 minutes later when she started to yell at him by her own definition I saw a difference you know so raises the voice when he's

asking you to get ready for school yes or just kind of gets angry at me get gets angry uh that's may be accurate but it's a diagnosis we don't know whether he's angry he might be scared that you

know you're going to miss school it might sound to you like Angry maybe it is maybe it isn't but raises the voice has smoke coming out of his ears that

that you can see you see that's observable yes fifth grader uh Jesse refuses to do his seat work oh refuses is a

diagnosis may be an acccurate diagnosis but it doesn't tell me what he does just says no I don't want to do it says no I don't want to do it that's the

behavior my husband doesn't tell me things which will affect me deeply okay it's the first Jackal husband I've ever heard of this is a new a new experience for me

today student in my class incessantly talks loud won't stay seated or keep his hands to himself I hear about three judgments in there uh let's go over it slowly because I hear three diagnosis

say it again so we'll hear the three diagnosis incessantly talks loud loud is your interpretation louder than you would like if you want to say it put it

that way louder than I would like won't stay seated won't is a diagnosis doesn't stay in his seat after I've told him to he might in the future we don't know whether he will or not so that's a

diagnosis doesn't at the moment doesn't when I ask him to stay in his seat and does not keep his hands to himself and does not keep his hands to himself

mhm okay since coming to the introductory um presentation on Tuesday night I've been very aware of hearing evaluations yes in myself and especially

in other people and so I started to wonder you know are all of those violent Communications or would there be a way that some of those are according to this

model nonviolent I would say that any evaluation of others that implies wrongness is a tragic expression of an unmet need

tragic in the sense for two reasons first it decreases the likelihood that we will get what we want even if we don't say it out loud even if we think

it if we are even thinking that what somebody else does is wrong it decreases the likelihood that we will get what we want and second it increases the

likelihood of violence so what could be more tragic than that than expressing oursel in a way that gets in the way of our getting what we

want and increases violence so anything that we want to say that implies wrongness on the part of the other person I'm suggesting is a tragic suicidal expression of an unmet need say

the need learn a need Consciousness which is what we're going to get to now you see that's that's how we evaluate in

nonviolent communication we evaluate from the heart we make judgments but we make need serving judgments we judge

whether what people are doing is meeting needs or not we don't moralistically judge the person for what they did we judge whether it's serving life or not

because needs are our direct connection with life they're the life that's going needs are the life seeking expression within

us so we evaluate with reference to that and that requires there's two kinds of literacy feelings and needs so let's be sure that we are all speaking the same

language when I use the term feelings and needs so under B it says imagine that you are talking directly to the

person and express how you feel when the person acts in the way described above and use this form again we're talking to the other person we're telling them now

what they did and we say when you do this I feel how how do you feel when the person

does what you wrote down under a write that down when you do this I feel angry okay anger is a feeling created by

unnatural thinking we'll get to that next when you're when you're not ready to leave at the agreed time I feel anxious and

impatient when you speak that loud I feel intimidated oh intimidated is a diagnosis be careful of words that are more descriptions of

other people what you think they're doing to you like intimidating you so write down the following as not feeling words do not mistake these words

as feelings I feel misunderstood I feel used I feel manipulated I feel judged I feel

criticized I feel ignored for example aren't there times when you think somebody's ignoring you don't you feel relieved and at other times don't you

feel angry you see so a word words like that really say very little about what's alive in you they say much more about how you are interpreting the other person's behavior and above all never

mistake the word rejected is a feeling I feel rejected no no that's not a feeling that's a suicidal interpretation okay who's got the mic

there's the mic yeah hurt disappointed disheartened yep feel angry and betrayed angry yes oh for

betrayed betrayed is one of those words like intimidated ignored misinterpreted used manipulated it's more a diagnosis of the other person Than A

Feeling what about what about contracted contracted if you mean tens and like that okay if it's that um when you call me up and speaking

loudly tell me you are going to cut off funding I feel angry and scared when you leave the dishes in the sink I feel powerless over my environment in time which feels

frustrating and scary when you start talking loudly in the middle of my sentence I feel hurt because I think you are not listening to me now the feeling is great but you're

going to lose it when you follow the word feel with the word because I think anytime you're thinking your chance of getting what you need is greatly decreased especially when you follow the

word think with the word you then I think you not only won't get heard I predict a defensive aggressive reaction so it's going to be hard for people to care about your feelings when

you follow that with the diagnosis that implies wrongness this is but we'll get to that next because we're going to see next that we we when after the feelings

there's two places we don't go and one is up to our head we stay in the heart with feelings we don't go up to the Head we stay in the heart and connect with needs but

we'll get to that y if we want to use nonviolent communication we want to be sure that we do not use the feeling in a

violent way because feelings can either connect us at the heart or they can contribute to more Division and violence so we certainly do not want to

ever express our feelings in this way I feel as I do because you

okay we never want to express our feelings This Way You Make Me Feel now that will be a hard habit to

get away from because in a jackal culture feelings are very instrumental to using guilt as a way of manipulating people the way to manipulate people is

if you can convince them that they make you feel as you do then they should feel guilty and change you see so it's another form of this violent

game so for example if you are a parent and you want to use feelings in a violent way rather than a connecting way you would express it this way it really hurts me when you don't

clean up your room okay or you make me angry when you say that I was talking during the break about one of my happiest days as a

parent was when my oldest son went to a jackal school for the first time he had gone six years to a giraffe

school that I had helped create and uh but then he was I wanted him to learn how to enjoy jackals as well so

uh and in jff schools we also want to be aware that the children are not always going to be in this setting so we want them to learn how to stay with their own values with regardless of which

structure they're in you see so he comes back the first day from school and he looked less than happy and I said how is the new school

Rick and he said it's okay Dad but boy some of those teachers Dad I said what happened he said dad I wasn't even in the front door really I was halfway through the front door and some man

teacher comes running over and says my my look at the little girl can you guess what the teacher was reacting to yeah my son's hair was down

to his shoulders see in a jackal school as we all know Authority knows what's right see there's a right way to wear your hair as a boy and a wrong way the right way to do everything and who knows

the teacher and then what do you do if somebody doesn't do it you use shame guilt and so forth you use the word girl as though it's an insult welcome to

Jackal land so I'm getting burned up ready to go do a little bat therapy with the teacher

uh forgetting all about my uh teachings and I said to my son how did you handle it he said I remember dad that what you said that when you're in

that kind of environment never give him the power to make you submit or Rebel you see so one of the things we want to teach children very early no matter what structure you're

in never lose track that you are free to choose what you do don't allow institutions to determine what what you do I said hey man that you remembered

that that's a big gift I really love that you could remember that under those conditions then what' you do I put on my giraffe ears Dad tried to hear what he was feeling and

needing I said you remember to do that what did you hear pretty obvious dad looked irritated wanted me to cut my hair hey wow man I'm really glad you

could remember that how did that leave you feeling said dad I felt sad for the man he was bald and seemed to have a problem about hair so we want children the same thing

we want to teach adults uh institutions can't make you do anything uh other people can't make you do anything no human being has ever done

anything they didn't choose to do a Palestinian in the village of Hebron disagreed with me one time he said I don't agree with you Marshall that we only choose to do where was my choice two days ago a soldier puts a gun

at my head and says take off your clothes or I'll shoot you where was my choice I said it seems pretty obvious to me you had a choice of whether to take

off your clothes or not he laughed he said okay I got your point I chose not to take off my clothes I chose that Soldier knew I didn't have a gun he was doing this to

dishonor me I chose to risk my life to protect my honor okay so I'm not saying we always like the choices we have but nobody can make us do anything we don't choose to

do so I said apparently the soldier also chose not to shoot you or else he was a very poor shot my children taught me this about nobody does anything they don't choose

to do from the time they were 2 years old they educated me that I couldn't make them do anything all I could do is make them wish they

had and then they taught me another lesson that any time I would do that they would make me wish I hadn't made them wish they had they taught me that violence creates

violence you see okay The Next Step then we do not attribute responsibility for our feelings to the other person we never say that you make me feel or I feel

because you instead we are conscious that the root of feelings are needs see behind every

feeling there is a need now certain feelings tell us that there is an obstruction in our thinking that instead of our being directly connected to our

needs we have chosen to go off to Jackal land see so what are these feelings that tell us that we're not directly connected to our needs

anger depression guilt and shame those feelings are very valuable they tell us that at this moment I'm not directly connected to my

needs instead we are up in our head telling ourself moralistic judgments about somebody anger we're making moralistic

judgments about somebody else depression guilt and shame we're playing that game on ourselves but we're not alive and as I would Define being alive which is

connected to our needs yeah do you make a distinction between needs and preferences or desires yes we make a differ a big difference as we'll

see when we get to the next step now because needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting the needs met those are preferences or strategies or

requests so we make a big difference between needs and between preferences requests strategies so let's get into that let's

right now connect our feelings with a need let's not go up to our head and think about the other person let's go into our heart and connect our feeling

with our need because needs give us the most power with people see giraffe is based on a power

model power with people it increases our power with them in the sense that it increases people's willing giving to

us to enjoy giving to us that's power with people we have been trained in a power over model the use of punishment and reward that's power over people to

get them to do things not because it's coming from their heart and they want to contribute to our well-being or to life no they want to avoid punishment or get

a reward so we want to increase power with people and the most powerful form of communication to do that is to bring people's attention to our needs that are

not getting met When people's full attention is on our needs they hear no criticism no

demands it is natural to enjoy giving but if we hear any criticism or demand we lose connection with that

natural desire to give and now we want to defend and attack so let's learn a language of needs under sea it says imagine again

that you are talking to the person and express your reason for feeling as you do this way when you do what I describe

I feel as I expressed because I am needing or because I need see so now see if you can identify what need of yours is not getting

met leave the word you out of here because that will mix up need and preference leave the other person out of here just Express the need without

reference to the other person all needs are Universal every human being in the world has the same needs so you can look at

what you said and see whether this applies see what you wrote down is a true need every other human being in the world has that need we're all created

out of the same energy so we really see this at the level of needs all human beings have the same needs what differs immensely is the strategies that we have

been educated in for meeting the needs different cultures educate people to meet the needs in a different way but the needs are the

same who wants to check theirs out okay to know that you are responsible and honest that uh notice bought the other

person in there I have a need need to know that you are responsible and honest how do we express the need without bringing the other person in

there see now we can bring it in one way I have a need for your happiness for your protection we can say that okay see

but not uh the way you're saying it yes I need to be seen and heard as who I truly am I have a need to be seen and

heard is who I truly am okay now I'm I have a impulse to qualify that and to say free to be free I have a need to

be the last word in that sentence is who I truly am free I have a need who I truly am to be free yes that's a need we all have the important thing will come

out when we get to a request CU that's a request that only you can meet other people can't do that they can't meet that need so if you don't know how to meet it for yourself for Freedom you

won't have that need met um I'm feeling a bit frustrated because I'm noticing that everything is

a strategy in other words mine is a need for an aesthetic environment but underneath that there is a need for serenity and my serenity doesn't come

from the environment so so this entire request starting at a is a strategy to get something called Serenity okay that's a need then I have

a need for certain peace but isn't there a need in there for certain Aesthetics that will right but it it crumbles the house of cards for me of wanting the

sink not filled with dirty dishes help me understand that why wouldn't the uh if you have a need for serenity but Serenity doesn't come from a clean sink

okay then we haven't got the the right need then or the right then it's not that you want the SC the sink cleaned up but I'm projecting that need onto the

sink thus onto a behavior of someone else well the other person's Behavior can be getting in the way of our need getting met if the the dishes aren't done and it could be some needs of yours

are not being met by that then you have to identify what the needs are that are not getting met I'm not sure I'm I'm I'm really not sure that

I'm not basing my an assumption that by having that sink clean that I'm going to have Serenity and I think it's a false distinction well the nice thing about

being clear about our request is we can test it out if I say I for my need for serenity I'd really be grateful if you would uh clean up the sink the person

does it and I'm still not Serene okay that helps I know that doesn't work see we never really know what we want until after we get it if after we get it it makes life more

miserable then we know that isn't what we wanted if it makes life more wonderful then we know that is what you know a strategy that will meet our need that's what makes life fun we never know

what we want until after we get it that's why Paul Tillis the Theologian says that Christianity requires the willingness to sin courageously

you you you ask for what you want hoping to meet your needs you get it it makes life worse okay now I've learned that isn't what I want wouldn't it be boring to know what is

wrong yes when okay when you do what I described I feel as I expressed because I need respect and acknowledgement and I

need to be able to feel safe in my job environment I hear needs in there yes when you do what I described I feel as I

express because I need to express my desire and need without it hurting you no no no now we got a bunch of stuff in there

sh if you want to avoid hurting other people the only way I can offer you to do that is to become a nice dead

person yeah because if other people have Jackal ears they can get hurt if you have heartburn so would I just cut off that second half

just I need to express my desire and need yes and then I and then what you want to say to yourself and I want to learn to enjoy your pain oo which is we're going to show you

after lunch how to enjoy the other person's pain ooh that sounds it's one of the most loving things you can do you see if you're as I will Define it obviously I

don't mean in a sadistic way I yes so I I have a couple of them working on one of them is because I have a need for predictability in I predictability okay

and the other one would be because I have a need for privacy yeah okay great go ahead um my my need is for uh

comradeship and acknowledgement of my comradeship mhh I have been need to memorialize the life of your father and in doing so

honor the life of your entire family have a need to honor this life yes um I have a need to have

communication with other people that is open and supportive of Life need for supporting of Life openness okay

mhm when when you do this I feel hurt because I have a need to be heard and understood yes very important need that

need for understanding to be heard to be listened to empathy there's different ways of expressing it but it's a critical need one that we have

daily daily yes bottom line I have a need to love you and to let your love in I have a need to love but don't bring the other

person in there to let I have a need for love to love and to let love in and to let love yes see our needs

don't when we believe that our needs involve another person doing something we take a very abundant world and make it scarce very quickly so we don't want

to mix up our need and a request we may have a request a strong request that a particular person meet our need for love see that's a strategy we may want this particular

person but we don't have a need for that person to love us that's that's mixing up the need and the request we have a need for love we have a strong preference that this person take the

actions to meet that need but we don't want to mix up the need and the strategy okay let's uh take one more and then we'll go we've got to move on yes yeah I'm confused if this is a need or a

strategy I need to feel loved ah loved is a very important word I need love yes but now that word love is so important

that it's we got to get real clear what we mean about it when we use it as a giraffe see watch what happens when a giraffe and a jackal get together on this love see this

is watch this Jackal ask a very dangerous question but notice that the giraffe is too smart ever to answer this question watch Do You Love

Me Jackal before I can answer your question honestly I need to get some important things clear are you using the word love

as a feeling well of course okay well I needed to get that clear so you mean am I feeling certain warm cuddly tender feelings toward you yes okay I needed to

get this clear because see we giraffes do not use the word love as a feeling it's much too important to us to get it confused with a Feeling it's a need for

us but since you use it as a feeling okay I'm glad to know that so would you please then now that I know that would you ask the question again do you love

me when when well I want to be honest I can see how important this is to you but how can I be honest with you you about what I

feel toward you without reference to a specific moment feelings change every few seconds life is changing feelings are part of life so I'd have to know a

specific time and place to ever answer your question of how I feel what about right now

[Laughter] no but try me again in a few moments so you see to a giraffe love is a need

and it's a need for which we must be very clear about what requests do we have of other people to meet that need

now watch what again what happens with reference to that if we're if we're in a love relationship with a jackal I want you to love me oh so you

have a need for love Jack and you're giving me the honor of wanting you me to meet that need yes I really see how important the Need of Love is so I want to be clear what you would like from me

to meet your need could you tell me what you are requesting of me to meet your need now the poor jackals they don't live in the moment you see and and to make a clear request you have to live

now you have to be clear what you want so watch how the Jackal handles this so could you tell me what you want me to do

to meet your need for love oh you know no I'm not sure I do I really see how NE important this need is for you so can you tell me specifically what you

would like me to do to meet your need for love well it it's hard to say in so many words if it's hard for you to say Jackal can you see how hard it will be for me

to do I never thought of that so what would you like me to do to meet your need for love it's embarrassing to get clear yes

it is because much of our oppression in close relationships comes from saying to people I want you to respect me I want you to love me I want you to understand me without our being real clear what we

want when we say that so what are you wanting Jack when you say you want me to love you I want you to guess what I want before I even know what it

is and I want you always to be willing to do it thank you for defining it that way Jackal uh would you please find someone else to meet your need for

love most jackals that carry that definition of Love around with them find out how impossible it is to meet on about their fifth divorce you see they keep thinking that they're going to find the right person

to love them not realizing the problem is how they're defining love and what they want from other people to meet the need for love to see that it's impossible to meet that

need which brings us to the next step in the process how to make clear requests after we have expressed our unmet

need and a clear request defined in giraffe is first it's a positive action we say what we do want not what we don't

want so a woman gave me a very good example of what happens when you say what you don't want in a workshop she said you've really helped me understand what happened uh recently Marshall I said to

my husband I don't want you spending so much time at work and then I got furious with him when he signed up for a golf tournament

a teacher gave me a similar example she said uh just yesterday Marshall I said to this young boy please I don't want you tapping on your book while I'm talking so he started to tap on his

desk saying what we don't want doesn't make clear what we do want but worse than that if we frame our objectives in getting rid of something it leads to

violence very of often it makes violence seem attractive when we try to get rid of something for example I was working with some teachers in a school in Rockford

Illinois their observable Behavior they wanted to work on is on the average every 3 months 38 break broken windows in the school so we got down to the request I

said what do you want different from the students it's obvious we don't want them breaking windows so you're saying you don't want the children breaking Windows yes what should we do kill

them research has demonstrated dead children break no windows almost any time we think of what we want to get rid of it makes violence look attractive and as stupid as that example was I just gave you look in the

newspaper on any given day and see how many world leaders are saying we're going to teach them not to we're going to get them to stop and they think violence is going to see it always makes

violence seem attractive to it's only as I said earlier when we get two questions clear what do we want people to do and what do we want their reasons to be for

doing it then I think we'll see violence never works okay so we want to say what we want to say in the positive what do we want the other person to do what do we

want them to start doing differently and second it needs to be clear action language we can't do what this one wife did with her husband who came to a

workshop with him she said I want you to listen to me when I talk he said I do listen no you don't yes I do no you don't they told me they'd had this same

conversation for 11 years the problem is with the word listen see what does that we can use the word listen as a need I have a need to

be listened to but when we move to act request we we need to speak action language what specific action do we want this person to take we can't use the

verb to be I want you to be more friendly not doable we can't use feeling language I want you to feel confidence in yourself that's not

doable so we need to be able to make very concrete request try it out with what is under D there see in relation to what the other person did and your

feelings and needs in in relation to the action imagine you're talking directly to the person and express a request using this form I would like you to what

do you want the person to do to meet your needs I want you to obey my instructions let's use the word I want

you to do what I told you to do do I want you to do what I told you to do and if you were a giraffe you would give that to the

person with a little card that said but please do as I requested

only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck please do not do as I request if

there is any fear of punishment motivating you please do not do as I request out a hope for reward or that I will like you if you do please do not do

as I request out of guilt shame Duty obligation life is too short to do anything for anybody out of that so what I'm getting at is when we do make a

request we want it to be sure that the person trusts it's a request and not a demand so we'll come back to that but let's just just work on the clarity of the request to begin with yes so what is

your request I would like you to do what was agreed upon okay all right uh give me the space to

complete my thoughts oh too vague give me the space let let let me completely let me is not doable let me show you what I mean a

woman said to her husband came to a workshop I want you to give me the freedom to be myself he says I do no you don't I said hold it hold it give me the

freedom is not doable let me no that's not doable allow me it's not doable what do you want from him when you say give you the freedom to be

yourself it's embarrassing yes but say it oh it's embarrassing say it out loud what do you want when you say all of that I want him to smile and say it's okay no matter matter what I do

okay now you're honest you see so what do you want I want to express myself yes you can do that nobody can stop you from expressing

yourself so I'm getting interrupted you want the other person to wait until you finish speaking yes before starting yes okay that's this doable

action so how do we know you can only tell whether it's a request or a demand by how I treat you if you don't do it

that's what tells people whether we are making requests or demands what is their memory of how we act when we don't get what we want if people have in their memory any

punishment on our part in the past when they don't do what we want any blame it will now be hard for them to trust that we are making a request and not a demand it will take the joy out of

giving to us so let's follow that example a little bit more for me to show you what I mean so I say to you I'm really U lonely this evening and would have a need for some

company would you be willing to spend the evening with me and you say Marshall I am uh really preoccupied with some things at work and would really need some space to myself this evening could

you find someone else to be with you this evening and here's my reaction two days later you what's the matter

nothing you come on what's the matter you knew how lonely I was if you love

me now was it a request or a demand amen see so we can't tell from how nicely it's asked we need to see how the person treats us when we don't do what they

want that's when we trust that they make requests or not demand so we are going to pay for every time in the past when we used any coercive means to get what we

wanted so now at least we don't want to pay for that anymore we want to be sure that whenever we make a request it is a request now that doesn't mean the other person will trusted even if it is

because unfortunately there's been so much coercion in our world that even if we are making a sincere request the other person might hear a

demand I was working in one school system with a group of students that the school district labeled as socially and emotionally

maladjusted now from what you've learned today was that a jackal school system or a giraffe school system yes it sounds like in your example that the

person was really disappointed or really let down not let down that's a diagnosis okay they're really disappoint disappointed really hurt

okay so how could they have expressed that without being a demand but not suppressing their fact that they're

really disappointed they could say I so you have a lot to do right now and it uh would really meet your need to be by yourself

yeah and uh the kind of mood I'm in right now I really trust that you would meet it better than anybody else I know is there

some way that we could find to get your work done and still meet my need for connection tonight that's what we call dogging for

our needs you see that shows respect for the other person's needs I'm not trying to use any guilt or manipulation right I'm just trying now to find a way to get

everybody's needs okay thank and so then and so then if the person can't find replacement if the

person if the person cannot think of somebody to replace them it will not be a problem it will only be a problem if I put on these ears and receive in what

they said a rejection you see if I hear a rejection that's the problem is it not okay to say I'm disappointed you can say I'm disappointed as long as you don't say you disappoint me and as long as you

don't stop after saying I'm disappointed see I'm disappointed that's just another way of saying you disappointed me I'm disappointed we always have to end a feeling at the very end of it is going

to be a request see so we don't just say I'm disappointed we'd have to say we have to take responsibility for asking for what

we want given the other person has this other need okay what do you want then from them well the Jackal doesn't like that game they don't like to have to be responsible for what they want they'd

rather say well if they love me you see if they were any kind of friend I think it's only fair that

they they want to control by guilt shame so the school district asked me to work with these students that were labeled socially and emotionally maladjusted poor school system doesn't realize that labels lead to

self-fulfilling prophecies when you label people that way they're going to behave that way come on be honest if you are labeled socially and emotionally maladjusted

you're one of those students doesn't that give you permission to have fun in school labels lead to self-fulfilling prophecy so I knew it was going to be a

rough day just by that label so when I walk into the classroom it already starts half of the students are hanging out the window screaming obscenities at their friends in a courtyard down

below so I made a request excuse me I would like you all to come on over and sit down please I'd like to tell you who I am what I'd like to do today half the students come

over I wasn't sure the other half had even heard me so I repeated it would you all please come over now every everybody comes over with the exception of two young

men just my luck the two that didn't come over the biggest ones in the classroom and again I wasn't too sure they'd heard me and I was praying it might just be a problem with Acoustics

so I said uh would one of you two gentlemen tell me please what you heard me say yeah you said we had to come over and sit

down you see the problem I make a request he hears a demand so I said sir I have learned to always use Sir with people have biceps

like he did especially with the tattoo on top of the bicep I said sir could you tell me how I could have let you know what I was requesting so it wouldn't sound like I

was telling you what you had to do he said huh see that's a radical paradigm shift for somebody who's been educated under domination conditions

domination structures where authorities claim to know what's right you have to do it or else you see so it's a radical paradigm shift in giraffe's schools where people don't make

demands they just make requests so I realize this is not going to be easy with this gentleman he's probably carrying with him a lot of traces of being punished when he doesn't do what

other people want or blame I'm not expecting him to give it up right like that so I said sir how could I let let you know that I was requesting something of you without it sounding like I was

bossing you around I don't know I said just what's happening between you and me right now is much that I wanted to talk about today because I was wanting to look at a way

we could interact where nobody bosses others around and I didn't expect life to be so easy that was all he needed he trusted at that point that I wasn't trying to

tell him what to do and he came over and we had a very Cooperative day but as long as people hear our request as demands they have only two choices submission or

rebellion and neither of us are going to connect us with people in a way that's good for anybody so the main thing that's the difference is not how nicely we say it

but how we treat people when they don't do what we want now let's hear a few of these so we can see what kind of reactions you might

might get back if you openly express your heart you try to your best not to criticize not to demand what do you get back she gets excited and defends

herself well I need to hear this specific statement because but I don't know what you mean by defends yourself what does she say got to be

specific for the next exercise we need to know specifically what the person says or does see that's your diagnosis that she's defensive what does she say

uh sometimes things happen and I I'm not ready to leave when we agreed well sometimes things happen and I'm not ready to leave when I agree okay that's

what the person says I can't do that because I have a hard time connecting with people as partners I can't do that because I have a hard time connecting to people people as

partners this is their response back yes what the person respond back um he says nothing I do is ever good enough nothing I do is ever good

enough okay here M guess I should go through the whole thing uh she says she doesn't like the

way I wash dishes or make the bed yes I feel angry and resentful yes I feel as I express because I need

to be accepted for my willingness and ability to do a job the way I do it yes uh I would like you to acknowledge

my work positively even if I don't feel like it how do you want me to how would you like me to respond positively when uh an idiot could do a

better job making a bed than you do okay that's the that's the last thing she would say that she can't because I never do it the way it should be done yeah so the problem there is with

the present request what do you want from this person I think what you want is this I'd like at least some gratitude expressed for my willingness to do what

I did and if I could get at least the gratitude for that first I could better hear how you would like me to do it differently would that be closer it'd be closer but I'd still like it to

accept the way that I do it instead what does accept mean now we got to translate accept into a doable request what if this person has a sense of Aesthetics you see I can already tell

what the problem is in your relationship I've already made a diagnosis you want to hear my diagnosis okay you are a slob and she's a neat see I don't there's these two kinds

of people in the world slobs and meats and for some reason or other they always live together I it doesn't make sense to me you see

there's so much of this goes on every day about how to keep the wash the dishes how to make the bed now I'll give away which one I am I once made I once cleaned the house

immaculately and my partner came home and said I thought you were going to clean true true story true story so you know what I am right

uh I wrote her a song that night that goes if you wonder about the cause of my domestic distress it's that my partner is antiseptic and I'm a total

mess last night at 2 a.m. I had to go to the head in the time it took me she made the [Laughter] bed so there are these slobs and meats

and they always get together I I have a plan for World Peace put the slobs in one hemisphere the neats in another so how does that get back to needs

and now that you've diagnosed it has to do probably with this and you have to say say to the neat I'd like you to agree that there can be different ways of doing

things is that what you want my solution was that I just don't do it anymore well I typical slob solution

yes I could have guessed that it [Music] worked I would really like some acknowledgement first I'd like some expression of gratitude for what I did

I'm not saying you have to like it but at least I'd like to hear some gratitude if it's sincere that at least that I was trying second I'd like you to agree that there can be different ways of defining

what is an adequate way to make a bed then if after you agree to that if you could say what your preference would be without using words that imply that

it's right your way that would be a lot easier on something like that where is it um you you sound like you're doing something out of a book you

sound like you're doing something out of a book talk like a real person don't use any of this psychology on me something like that yes yes yes especially they're going to say that when you're a baby

giraffe you know cuz you're trying a new way and it's going to take a while and it's going to go slowly and when I was first learning this I was having a conflict with my oldest son and I was

sounding like it was coming out of a book I was having to stop and think everything I said and the poor guy he had his friends waiting for him and he said Daddy it's taking you so long to

talk I said let me tell you what I can say quickly do it my way or I'll kick your ass

[Laughter] he said take your time [Laughter]

D th those who know me in my old Jackal days are very patient with my sounding like I'm coming out of a book or

yes there's no value in changing in who I am I'm satisfied the way it is yes there's no value in changing who I am I'm satisfied the way I am that we can

already tell them this person heard a demand you see they're hearing a demand as though you're saying they're not okay the way they are and that would be how I would bet a person would respond if they hear a

demand different ways that people respond when they hear a demand my preference is for how my youngest son once responded when he heard a demand I said would you please hang up your coat

he said said who was your slave before I was born see I I like that way because I know he hears a demand then right it's pretty

clear now then there's other people who it's harder to guess if they make they're hearing it as a demand for example you say to them would you please come over and just sit on the couch with

me and talk with me the person goes like this okay now if you're smart you'll say oh no stay away they're hearing a demand you see

but they're giving in but the worst case scenario this is the dangerous one you see is if the person hears your demand your request as

a demand and they respond this way oh sure sure I'll do it and they do it but they did it to buy your love they did it because they were afraid that if

they didn't you wouldn't like them now how will you find out uh you'll find out eventually uh you might find out like this one woman did who showed up at my

door in uh 2 in the morning 2 in the morning my doorbell's rinking one morning it's pouring rain outside and this

woman not eight months pregnant crying I said come in come in I sit her down in a chair what's going on I I didn't know how she got there but she told me that

her mother had been in a workshop with me a month before and she had just called her mother up to tell her about what happened and the mother said oh there's a man in your town that that you

might want to go and talk to so that's how this woman shows up in my door at 2 in the morning now what was the problem earlier she said my I just made a little request to

my husband tonight and he said get out we've been married 8 years years he's always been so loving so kind he's done everything I want and now he says

get out already I knew what to problem was he was a yes saying Jackal he hears somebody he loves wants something and he feels he has to do it

to make to buy love to be a to prove that he's a loving person and so how does she find this out it took eight years but then she pays for it one

night and I know I was right how do I know I was right I got him out of bed why why should I be up at 2: in the morning talking to his wife while he's

sleeping so so I call him up and invite him over and sure enough you see he was a yes saying Jackal he just didn't know how to say no so he had been giving in you know

for all these years and then finally this night he snapped you know just so that's how you find out after eight years she found out that he was hearing demands and lovingly giving into them

you certainly don't want to ever receive those messages anyone that you've just responded to you never want to hear what the other person

thinks never hear what a jackal speaking person thinks you'll live longer so certainly after lunch we're

going to say do not hear what the person thought whatever thoughts they expressed never hear what a jackal speak speaking person thinks especially what they think about

you so we'll show you another options than that we'll show you how never to hear a criticism we'll show you all of that after

lunch see there's only two things that human beings are ever saying please and thank

you see that's all human beings are ever saying the only thing is Jackal speaking people have learned to say please in a suicidal

way think about that for a moment what else is are human beings ever saying except please you're behaving in a way that isn't meeting my needs or my needs are

not getting met by something else would you please do this to meet my needs that's we need to know how to say that well to survive in the world when our needs are not getting met

we need to know how to say please in a way that makes it enjoyable for people to give it to us all right this morning we learned how to do that just learn how to say what you are

feeling and needing and make a clear request make sure that no words come out of your mouth that imp imply wrongness on the part of other

people do everything you can to promote in people the trust that when you make a request it is a request and not a demand and that increases the likelihood that people will enjoy giving to you so

we we studied that this morning now the other half of the process is how to receive from other people what's alive in

them and what they are needing to make life Wonder ful and how to receive that without hearing any criticism or demand just to

hear what's alive in them and we need to learn how to do this even when these other people are saying please in this strange way that we've

been educated to say please you know you were all speaking perfect giraffe for about a year see so what I'm teaching you now is really not a second language it's really your first language I'm bringing you

back to life to to Nature to your first language so now the other half how do we respond to a jackal's please when a

jackal is expressing the please this way the problem with you is is that you are too see that's pleased that person's in

pain that person has a need that isn't getting met and isn't it sad that they only know that way to ask for it isn't that tragic for this

person to be saying please in a way that almost guarantees you're not going to get what you want or if you do it's going to be motivated by fear guilt or

shame and you're going to pay for it how sad to be educated that way and now of course it would be even sadder if when the person says please

that way you don't hear the please you hear a criticism that's when we have War see somebody in pain does their best

to express it person on the other end here's a criticism so let me tell you what the person that you were working on this morning all of the messages that I heard you relate that what you predict they

might say back here is what I hear the person saying I heard the person you're speaking with saying this back to you I'm in pain

I have a need that isn't getting met okay that's what the person was saying in the message that you wrote down I'm in pain because a need of mine

isn't getting met now hear that put on giraffe ears and say this back to the person are you

feeling and guess what that person is feeling when they say what they did because you are needing and guess what their need

is so I'm asking you to go back to the message that you predicted you might get back I'm wanting you to imagine the person actually says this to you and now

if you have giraffe ears on here will be your reaction are you feeling guess they're feeling because you are needing guess

their need with giraffe ears all you can hear are feelings and needs you can hear no

criticism number of years ago I was working with a group of women in religious life and they had a conflict for some 15 months that was creating great pain

within their community and they asked me to help them resolve this and uh I suggested that we begin by

having everybody Express their needs what needs of yours are not getting met in this situation and after the first Speaker

second word I could see why at after 15 months not only had they not been able to resolve the issue but why it was causing increasing pain can anybody guess what the second

word was they could but what was the second word first word was I I think

yes that's as soon as I heard the second word I could see why it would notice my question of them was what needs of yours are not getting

met and instead of an answer I got I think immediately I knew trouble and here's what the rest of the message said I think that if we are to

be in religious life we must take our commitment seriously and dress as though in dress in an appropriate

way see I asked for a need that's what I got back and then another religious sister

said sister I agree but I think see 15 months what was the issue the issue was

whether to wear traditional clothing or not you see this was the issue 15 months had not been able to resolve it in fact at Great pain in that 15

months the community was divided but I asked what are you needing and I got thoughts thoughts you

see so took me a while to teach them never to hear the thoughts do not hear thoughts only use the thoughts as a

window look through the thoughts to the needs that are behind hear the needs behind it'll be a

whole different world do don't hear thoughts they finally got it they finally started to look through the words the thoughts to what was behind

and then was amazing how in a short time we resolved the conflict my partner Ruth bmme was with me at the time and saw this miracle that

comes whenever we we hear through the [Music] words to what's behind them I feel so sentenced by your

words I feel so judged and sent away before I go I'd like to [Music]

know is that what you meant to say before I Rise to my

defense before I speak in hurt or fear before I Build That Wall of

words tell me did I really hear words are windows or their

walls they sentence us or set us free when I speak and when I

hear Let The Love Light Shine through [Music] me there are things I need to

say things that mean so much to me if my words don't make me

clear will you help me to be free if I seem to put you

down if you felt I didn't care try to listen through my

words to the feelings that we share words are windows or their

walls they sentence us or set us free when I speak and when I hear Let The Love Light

Shine through [Music] me so with your giraffe ears on you hear

the feelings behind the words you hear the need every moment we have feelings and needs so we're hearing the truth what's

really alive in this person now it's better for you to hear only that because then you don't live in a world of criticism or judgments you take away all

power from other people to dehumanize you when you have giraffe ears on you never have to worry about other people's reaction to what you

say you can be honest without fear because you know I don't ever have to worry about how other respond only what ears I have on to respond to their

response but I can control that I can't control how others respond and if I'm going to worry about something I can't control I'll become a

nice dead person you see I'll be afraid to reveal s for fear what if they say this who cares what they say if you have giraff ears on it's a gift all they're saying

is please please so let's hear the pleas behind the message that you hear first read off the message and then let's hear how you

heard the feelings and needs behind it what I expect my daughter would say was um I can't control myself when I'm so angry I can't control myself when I'm

so angry and uh when I thought about it um I would think I could say are you feeling frustrated because you are needing some other ways to express your

anger that's what I ask you to do to try to hear the feelings and needs and even if that's not accurate notice what it does even if it's

wrong it demonstrates a value it demonstrates that you value what's alive in that person that you're taking the time to try to connect with what's alive

in that person when people trust that that's what's interesting to you already we can solve anything you see what makes it hard to resolve things

is when people feel the other person is only interested in winning they don't care about me they're just out to show me that I shouldn't do

this but by just stopping and trying to connect you've demonstrated a powerful value that you value what's alive in

her okay another one yes uh with my related to my son are you feeling distressed confused because you are

needing help that's the idea again even if it's not accurate it gives the it notice even if it's not accurate it brings the other person's attention to their

needs gives them a chance to correct it better to be guessing wrong what a person need is than to hearing what they think you'll be living in a different

world when you are trying to connect with their needs than the world you'll be living in if you hear what they think I need some help in

addressing the um feelings and needs behind the um answer that I got back which was one of the things that you said um before lunch which can be the

most dangerous when somebody just said you make a request and somebody says yes I'll do that yeah can you help me I mean I I could guess I mean my what I wrote down was are you

feeling um pain because you're needing recognition for the job you're doing okay I like that but okay go ahead with

the but I mean it it feels like there's a huge leap from the response yes I'll do that to me asking that question Yeah it's you're trying to sense what's

really behind it that's one of the two giraffe ways the other possibility that would also be giraffe is to say and giraffe how do you say and

giraffe I'm feeling uneasy with your okay okay uh I wish I could trust it but I don't I'd really like you to take a moment and really tell me whether it

would meet your needs to do as I requested so that's when I would guess that the okay isn't okay so okay that's how I

would say in giraffe thank you giraffes are not nice see much of I think the violence in the world is created by nice people so

don't mistake the word nonviolence is being nice are you feeling abandoned not a feeling it's a thought don't encourage jackals to think that

way are you feeling afraid now we're cooking because you are needing reassurance now we're cooking that I will not disappear that your needs will

be taken care of leave yourself out of the other person's needs they can live without you all of their needs can be met without

you how could I your needs that how could I satisfy your needs that's a jackal question if the that kind of question if the other

person is smart they'll take the Fifth Amendment yeah this was an answer to um when my daughter said you sound like you're reading from a book you sound

like you're reading from a book and I say are you feeling scared separate or alienated and are are you needing to be responded to in a genuine heartfelt way

yes but you're doing it again when you do that so with such a jackal for a while until you make clear to them why you're doing it so they will have less distrust

of it you would do just as you said but silently silently yes see don't think we have to do this out loud for it to be powerful it can be powerful if we don't

say a word as long as where our attention is is here you see even so you might have heard just that but maybe not have said it out

loud see yeah see that's all you can hear with the giraffe ears on and you can hear that even if you're silent you don't have to say out loud you could just have heard that but you'll show

that your attention is here from your eyes because when we're hearing what is in a person 's heart our eyes are different than when we're hearing a

criticism or when we're making a criticism you see our eyes it's not it's not subtle now the advantage in being able to say it out loud is the person can

correct us if we're not accurate but even if we don't say it out loud we live in a different world when we're connecting here than when we're hearing

criticism um this is a um the the question would be um that I would have asked would be something like

I would like you to ask me for help if you need it yes and then the person responds I am afraid of becoming a burden now there's a pretty it's almost

a giraffe response so how do you respond to this person I'm afraid of becoming a burden now if you're a jackal you would say no you wouldn't be a burden so if you're a jackal you will

try to reassure see jackals try to fix people in pain they try to give reassurance they try to make it better they can't stand

pain they immediately make matters worse by trying to get rid of the pain in the book when bad things happen to good people written by Rabbi Herold

Kushner he's talking about a very tragic time in his life when his oldest son is dying and he said what could be worse than watching my Su die what could be

worse were the things that good people were telling me to make me feel better that made me feel worse and what could be even hor more

horrible than that what they were doing what they were saying that made me feel worse were exactly the things I had been saying to other people for 20 years in my role as a

rabbi see he had been responding by trying to make it better see so we don't want to do that now this is an important message well I'm afraid

that I'll be a burden so put on giraffe ears what does this person feeling and needing when they say that um are you are you

feeling afraid they've already told you the feeling that's easy so the fre afraid are you so you're feeling afraid because why why are they

afraid that you don't trust my offer to help now put that in the need you need some reassurance that I'll really be there no

I need reassurance that if you're there you're doing it for you and not for me uhhuh see they want to be sure that if you're giving you're giving out of self

fullness not selflessness now what about if you're not 100% don't do it I would suggest you heed Joseph

Campbell's advice when he uh uh having studied all the basic myths of the world and the basic religions concludes that if there's one wise thing that seems

present in all the basic religions it's this don't do anything that isn't play yes don't do anything that isn't play and it'll be play if you're meeting

your own needs so don't do things for other people well the only right way is it hold it hold it hold it your Dr your ears just dropped off put your ear put

your ears back on cuz if your ears are on you will never hear the word right it doesn't exist if you hear that word it's going to be toxic never hear another person

telling you what's right it's not good for them it's not good for you right understand okay so just hear feelings and

needs I tell you 30 times you don't listen my God what's can't you see this bed

there's pdon list no you don't you're proving now you don't isn't it funny how if you were listening you wouldn't say I listen isn't it funny how he always comes in

pardon it's funny how he always comes in yeah so what's this person feeling and needing let me let me let me help you out you

want me to help you out with this Jack let me put on some giraffe ears here so Jackal is it that it's frustrating when you have a certain

sense of order and you'd really like uh to have that order maintained in the house well that's a part of it but it's it's not that's not the only thing it's

I've told him over and over again again oh so is it that you feel hurt because you have a need to feel like your needs matter yes it's like this

doesn't matter to him he doesn't care ah so what's really the pain for you in this is your need to feel like you matter that your your needs matter

yes so how do you feel when you hear the Jackal say this I'm feeling um like I don't well that's not a

feeling um I'm glad you're catching feeling confused yeah feeling confused um primarily because I can't identify

the needs that are being expressed so you would really like to be able to hear a need like that when it's really going on yeah I would like that yeah you don't

act like you do hold it Jack that isn't going to make it easier for him jack that isn't going to make it easier so you're really it's really painful for

you it's hard to believe that he cares enough to really matter yes you know because I've told him over and over so so it's really for you an issue of

whether your needs matter yes I'm feeling that it's not so much the beds or the dishes though feeling it's something else I'm just telling you what it is it's it's the

general fear I have that my needs don't matter to you how do you feel when the Jackal tells you that still confused what makes you

confused about this cuz I don't know how to respond to those needs what what it would take is just empathy if she could just feel the

empathy that I just gave her if you could just say are you feeling in pain because you have the need for reassurance that your needs

matter yes yes I've tried to tell you that for years you don't listen comes in I guess now I'm feeling sad because I'm not meeting

uh um the needs hold your sadness she needs more empathy see this is what often happens

we get to our feelings too quickly with my help we just got started we just this is not the end there's a lot more pain in there that she needs

empathy for before she can hear your sadness so Jackal am I hearing you that for you the real painful issue here is not being confident that your needs

matter my needs have never mattered in any relationship not in my family and not now so what's real painful is for you to feel that your needs matter and this has been going on a long

time yes yes I do everything I can I've told him over and over again so you do everything you know how and when your needs still don't get

responded to it really hurts yes now see it hasn't been easy for me to give this Jackal empathy I was wanting to jump in an educator but the way you're asking for it Jackal I think is going to make it hard for people to give

it to you see I've wanted to say that almost every time so I had to take a deep breath and realize empathic connection before

education now is not the time to educ educate that the way you're asking for it's going to make it pretty hard for somebody without superpowered giraff ears to hear your needs question on that doesn't doesn't

this situation require some kind of resolution or solution or and almost and the resolution the solution will find us

when the connection is there now what connection you see here's your wife's needs here's your

needs when she hears your needs without hearing any criticism or demand and you hear her needs without

any criticism and demand the solution will find you the conflict will resolve itself it does need to be resolved but what most

of us do we skip this and go right to here for example I sometimes do

uh workshops just with married couples or other people living together in a love relationship and what we do to begin the

workshop we identify the couple who has had a conflict the longest outstanding conflict that could not be resolved and I make a prediction and

it's right my prediction has been accurate in in maybe I'm sure at least 75% of the cases but my prediction is this that we will resolve the conflict

within 20 minutes within 20 minutes from the point at which both parties can tell me what the other party is

needing okay now one time we found a couple married 39 years 39 years had a conflict had not been able to resolve

this conflict the wife said to me Marshall I can tell you right now we're not going to be able to resolve this within 20 minutes we have a good

marriage we communicate well uh but this is just one of those things that we're different people and we just have a conflict here I said let me correct one thing I didn't say we're going to

resolve it within 20 minutes I said within 20 minutes from the point at which you can both tell me what the other party is needing oh she said Marshall when you've

been married 30 9 years and you've talked about something almost every day I can tell you we understand each other the problem isn't that we're just two different people in this

issue well I said I've been wrong before I can sure be wrong this time but let's see we'll find out within 20 minutes so first tell me what his needs are in this

situation he doesn't want me to spend any money he responds immediately that's ridiculous

39 years of communication now first of all doesn't want me to spend any money is not a need see needs and strategies need to be separated they had been talking about

how much money she could spend and not spend but the more important issue there was whether see whether who takes care of the checkbook he unilaterally controlled the checkbook which was

really the main issue between see but that's I'm saying I don't even want the couple to talk about the strategies or the solutions until the

connection is there when the connection is there the conflicts usually resolve themselves so I pointed out to her no that's not a need and even if it was notice he's saying that's not accurate

she okay let me then tell you what his needs are Marshall you see he's just like his own father they both have a depression mentality when it comes to

money I said stop stop now I'm hearing psychoanalytic Jackal you you you know and how it's going to take another 39 years if you

get into that no I'm not asking for an analysis of his personality I'm saying what are his needs she didn't know after 39 years she

had no awareness consciousness of his needs so I said to him okay well she doesn't uh know why don't you tell her well Marshall uh let me tell you what

her needs are you see she's a lovely woman lovely woman wonderful mother a wonderful wife but when it comes to money she's totally irresponsible here comes another 39

years you see I ask for a need and he gives me a diagnosis and of course she immediately says that's unfair I said hold it hold it hold it hold

it so I could see they didn't have a need literacy so I had to loan them my ears so with giraffe ears of course I'm conscious that all judgments she's

totally irresponsible is a tragic expression of an unmet need you see so if she would have had these ears they would have been able to resolve

this in the first year of their marriage but she didn't she was taking it CR personally so I helped them out I said when you say she's IR responsible are you feeling frightened and need to be sure the family is protected

economically he said that's exact exactly what I mean well that wasn't what he had been saying for 39 years but he didn't know how to say his feelings and needs okay so I've got his needs

identified he was scared wanted to protect the family economically I turned to his wife and said could you tell me back what you heard him say but because I did you know

one time I overdrew the checkbook when we were you know first married now he thinks excuse me excuse me notice what the first word that she said was but

see she doesn't know the Cardinal giraffe rule never put your butt in the face of an angry

[Laughter] person I said what are his feelings and needs but no no no no no no no what are

his feelings and needs want me to repeat them yeah I hear him saying he's scared well but hold it hold it hold

it calm down calm down hear his feelings and needs see but after 39 years of enemy image it's not easy for somebody to shift these images

you see once we get one of these images in our mind of the other person's wrongness even when they are expressing their needs we don't hear

it these enemy images are hard to get past you see so she's been seeing him as cheap and having this depression mentality for 39 years see so she can't

see the human being behind her image I said let me repeat it again I hear him saying he's scared because he needs some to protect

the and needs to protect the family economically can you say back yeah he thinks I'm irresponsible let's try it again after three more repetitions finally she could

hear his needs and feelings separate from her judgments finally yes did you try to um empathize with her at any point or did you just keep

repeating his need and try to get her to Yes uh after I had tried twice to get her to hear it I could see she was in too much pain to hear him so I had to do

what I was just demonstrating like this actually I had needed to give her some emergency first aid empathy so you did do that before I could pull her by the ears to get her to hear him so if after

I tried two times to pull the Jackal by the ears it's hard to do that because they keep trying to bite you know then then I back off so it really hurts when

you hear criticism and yes yes I mean yeah so you really need to be [Music] trusted now I'd like to repeat what he said and I I'd like to have you tell me

back what he heard so yeah I did have to do a little bit of cleaning up the mess before I could see every image that she's heard in the past every criticism

but she'd heard for years she was irresponsible now it's hard for her to hear the need that was being expressed all along behind

that so finally I get her to hear his feelings and needs okay we're halfway through now this much took me an hour okay now I try to help her so could

you tell me now what your needs are well just because I made them you know I overdrew the checkbook you know before you know that doesn't mean I'm going to do it again he said yes we could be out of money but excuse me excuse

me so you're already frustrated and if I hear you correctly you have a need for some trust that you can learn how to handle money

yes okay husband could you tell me back yeah and we'll be out of money by then excuse me excuse me excuse me can you tell me what her feelings and

needs are would you like me to repeat it yes okay about three more

repetitions he hears her it didn't take 20 minutes to resolve it at that point you see whenever I go into situations where there's been a lot of conflict I don't even allow the people to talk

about strategies until they're connected at the Heart level I was working with two tribes in Northern Nigeria one Christian tribe and one

Muslim tribe one quarter of the population killed in one year one out of four people killed took my colleague 6 months to get

them to agree to come into a room together during that 6 months 60 people killed so by the time it took us to get everybody into a room together 60 people killed so now it's not a husband and

wife I have on opposite ends of the table but the chiefs of two tribes I start the same way I did with the husband and wife I'd like to hear you express your needs what needs are not being

met I'm pretty much guessing ahead of time I'm not going to get an answer to my question because if people had been communicating at the need level there wouldn't have been a 100 people

dead so I wasn't surprised when instead of getting an answer to my question I got this back these people are murderers well you've been trying to die dominat

us see I ask for needs I get back do diagnosis so just as with the husband and wife I put my ears

on translate each statement into a need get the other side to hear it it wasn't easy I had to do a lot of first aid empathy to

get cuz like when I got this person behind murderers was so you are frightened of any use of violence to resolve conflict and want some agreement to resolve it in some other way yes

exactly okay could you say back what you heard then why did you kill my child so it wasn't too easy but anyway after about it took

about an hour again for me to get one need expressed one need heard one need expressed one need heard and one of the Chiefs who hadn't spoken yet said to me if we know how to

communicate this way we won't have to kill each other so it just took one hour to see that if they can just stay connected at the Heart level Nobody Has To

Die there's plenty of resources for getting everybody's needs met but we lose that when we get up into our head and start to analyze

wrongness yes but does this need understanding develop into a um well sort of a not necessarily give and take but where one person would give in to the other person no no compromising in

giraffe not necessary to compromise everybody needs can get met nobody has to give in nobody has to give anything up because I agree with you have to say and especially when it comes to doing

things for other people because if you my theory is is that if I do something for for someone else that gives a person power for over me well whereas if I do

put this way if you do anything that involves giving in both people pay for it nothing has been resolved it's going

to create problems so is there a needs dialogue or needs literacy you mentioned that uh understanding what they need in my need literacy in my book and if you want to develop your

need literacy I suggest you do the following activity first identify your most frequently used

Jackal the ones you use the most and next the ones you're the most afraid of do it this way first on a list make a list of how you talk to yourself when

you're left less than perfect and those of you over here who said you were perfect you'll have to skip this part of it but but for those

of you who aren't perfect make a list of what how are you most likely to speak to yourself when you're less than perfect so that's Jackal

uh list number one next make a second list what are the Jackal messages that go on in you when you are angry at

others so when you're judging others and are and are angry what are you most likely to be saying to yourself or out loud about the other person so that's

Jackal list number two Jackal list number three list those things that when other people say

it at the moment you respond to defensively or aggressively and put on that list things that you have been so afraid that people might think it of

you that you've become a nice dead person to avoid it so in other words put into that list not only what people have said that got you defensive but things you're scared of they might

say okay now do this exercise to build your need literacy go back over that first list where you what you say to yourself when you're

less than perfect now for each judgment think of what might been the stimulus for it so you got to relate each of these to a specific context so say to

yourself let's say the first thing is you have in your list list number one what a dumb thing to do okay think of what you might have done

to stimulate that okay then put on giraffe ears and hear the need behind stupid see I'm saying that all judgments

are tragic expressions of unmet needs so ask yourself if I when I say that to myself in that situation how stupid what need am I expressing through that

judgment what need of mine isn't getting met and here's where you can use the list in my my book if you can't come up with it yourself just look through the list and your body will tell you when

you're getting close really cuz ah yeah yeah yeah that's what my need is see the need comes much closer to the truth than any

judgment you make of yourself so do that for every item on the list second what you tell yourself when you're angry at

others again identify concretely what the other person might have done to stimulate this then ask yourself this question when I judge people as idiots for doing

that what need of mine was not being met in that situation again try to guess it without my list but if you can't find it look through my list to find one that comes

closest the third list what others say to you to get you defensive practice putting on the giraffe ears imagine what you did to

stimulate it and in that situation guess what the other person's needs were that weren't getting met so you see it's just learning a new language learning where every time there

are these Jackal judgments to as quickly as possible to bring yourself back to life or more

specifically connect to needs needs are life yes um my question is I never know what to do when I know I'm never going

to meet another person's you know expectations of me yes well first of all never hear an expectation that's that's thoughts

expectations are thoughts don't hear it don't even hear expectations hear what the need is what is the need that the person is asking for you to

meet you don't want to live up to expectations but it is fun to meet needs do you think that every that human beings can always meet other people's

needs if they're real all of our needs can be met I don't think you have to do it there's several billion other people that could meet the other person's needs even if you could do it you may choose

not to I see and that won't be a problem the other person can hear a no if they first feel empathy for their feelings and needs that will leave them feeling at

least that their feelings and needs matter right that makes sense yes but then again you're not you have to know how to say no in giraff that would be good for me to

learn well let me help you out never use the following words when you're saying no in giraff no I

can't I don't want to I don't have time it's not possible now you know how not to do it

right now here's how you do it to say no and giraffe you need to be conscious that a no is a poor expression of the need so say the need that keeps you from

saying yes no so if you had giraffe ears on just now you wouldn't have heard me saying no you would have said what is Marshall's need that's keeping him from saying yes

and you might have said back to me Marshall are you having a need for completion of other things you'd like to do right now you see you would have tried to hear

the need behind the no so what I said is all no are tragic expressions of a need so say the need that keeps you from

saying yes don't say no the way that I have this framed I I feel as though I am um responding to a person's expectations so it's a work

environment um are you feeling afraid of being held responsible for the quality and quantity of the work that I'm doing and this is to a supervisor

are you feeling scared in need to protect yourself that might be the need that I hear you guessing are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this

matter I guess when I hear that I feel afraid because I'm inferring that there's a danger and that they have a fear of some danger if this is what you're guessing is alive in them we not

saying it's right see we never say you are feeling we always say are you are you feeling we may be wrong but we're trying to get clear what's going on in this person are you feeling afraid and

need to protect yourself and taking the my performance part out of it is you're saying take the me out of the yes try to hear the feelings and needs without

you you you've encou you know we know what that is in this situation you they're talking to you about some things you've done or haven't done so in the context that we're pretty clear what's

going on what we want to hear now is their feelings and needs are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this matter now if this is in

many settings where the people are not used to having feelings dealt with this may this the other person might get very upset with having their

feelings being talked about in which case you do it silently but if you're a giraffe you hear feel feelings and needs in every message whether you do it out loud or

not politically we adjust when we might do it out loud but we don't allow anything else into our Consciousness except this other person's feelings and

needs um I think you said earlier that there's no compromise in giraffe communication and so I would find it instructional to know how the problem

between the husband and wife was resolved yes and how it was a win-win situation for both of them first once there is empathy people feel that their

feelings and needs matter which is done through the empathy uh you don't have the competitiveness you don't have the charge so here's how it went after they

both heard each other he heard that it would really hurt for her not to be trusted that that she could learn and once he felt really understood

how scared he was that if she were to do what she did when they first got married and overdraw the accountant she could hear that he wanted to protect the family I think most six-year-old

children could resolve the conflicts that get Nations into Wars in which thousands are killed if you gave the six-year-olds you said look here are the needs on both sides here are the

resources I'm confident most six-year-olds could solve the conflict so in this it doesn't take a genius what did it do

she said I want a trial period to learn how to do it first she said I'm scared CU you know you could go through a lot of money learning so she agreed that during the

trial period he would supervise her until he felt comfortable that she knew how to do it okay that took about 7 minutes but they hadn't been able to get

to that in 39 years because of all the enemy images the hurt and so forth um how do you deal with a situation when

you have a um similar needs and you attempt to express them to each other and you

sense as the emotions build up because of apparent Competitive Edge working that our mutual need s are not being

heard by either or the jackals then you either need to get a third party to give both of them the empathy they need to hear each other so

if the two people are in pain they don't know how to give themsel enough empathy to be able to hear the other side then you need to get a third

party to give the empathy of each of them so that they can then hear each other and that third party is should be

together with these two individuals or separately there's different ways to do that they're together there's some advantages but it could be that to give

empathy to both sides separately and then help each side to hear the other side and then bring them together thank you mhm um this morning you made a reference

to giraffe morning and that there's a different way of saying you're sorry to someone and I wanted to hear what that was okay let's real quick look at what I mean by giraffe morning think of

something you did that you wished you hadn't done and identify recall as best you can how

you talk to yourself when you said it or did it whatever you did so what did you do that you wished you hadn't done after

you had done it and give me a sample of what you said to yourself when you did it you have one in mind

okay that um I was feeling defensive and I criticize someone so uh what you did is you said some things to another person that you wished you hadn't done

right okay and what did you say to yourself when you did that well usually in the moment I feel you know defensive of myself no I want

to concretely know for this exercise I need to know concrete what you say to yourself when you behave in a way you don't like this is very

important to answer your question about jff morning it's very important to identify your inner what your inner

educator is saying to you see this all of us have an inner educator whose function it is to educate us when we are less than

perfect now most of us made the mistake of sending our inner educator off to a brutal Jackal Academy for inner

Educators and so I'm it's important to be conscious of how our inner educator talks to us so that's what I'm asking you when you said what you did to your

husband what did your inner educator how did your inner educator try to educate you it said what to you about what you had done in the moment or later at the

either one well the the point when I start to feel regret or sorry is later which at any point what did you say to yourself about what you had done okay I

said I'm a bad person now that's that's enough you see see your inner educator tries to educate you through

penitence through making you hate yourself for what you've done it uses language that implies there's such a thing as a bad person all right

now if you apologize out of that energy that's Jackal any apology that comes out of thinking you did something wrong is not going to be good for you or the other

person you with me so far well I know it feels bad yeah it feels bad and I really want you to feel bad in this situation

but I want you to feel a sweet bad a sweet bad that will help you learn from this without hating yourself when you have a thought in your head that you're a bad person that's

ugly bad that's a punitive bad that'll first of all make it hard to learn and even if you do learn it's out of self-hatred so whatever changes you

make are at Great cost so that's your inner educator that was your inner educator speaking to you when it said you're a bad

person now we've been learning today that all judgments are expressions of needs right so your inner educator means well it really means well it wants

you to learn from this in a way that will serve life it means well it's just its language it sucks okay so we don't want to hear what

the inner educator thinks about us we want to hear the need that isn't getting met that it's trying to call to our attention so what need is your inner educator trying to bring to your

attention that you didn't meet by how you behaved uh a need to be in relationship with the other person a need in what kind of

relationship a mutual understanding respectful right so it didn't meet your need for respecting and understanding the other person yeah and how do you feel when that need

isn't met I feel guilty then you still got the bad person image in mind if you still think you're a bad if there's any thinking still going on that guilt comes

from the Judgment well I feel separate and isolated but how do you feel what emotion do you feel about not meeting your own needs for understanding and respecting

see the guilt comes from that image of bad person but what feeling comes from not meeting your need to respond to this person with respect and

understanding sad that's a sweet pain see that's jff morning so if you say to the person you know the way I talk to you I feel really

sad it doesn't meet my need for respecting you and understanding you you see there's no image in there that

I'm a bad person I'm sad I didn't meet my own need for respecting and understanding it check with the other person what

they'd rather hear whether they'd rather hear the giraffe mourning or the apology that you're a bad person

yes I'm having a little U little problems trying to find the teeth in the in this in this model somehow um it seems like everything is even though we're talking that it's on a Feeling

level everything seems the way I'm interpreting anyway sort of on a uh on a mental level as opposed to an emotional level and I guess I operate a lot from

my gut uh and I'm trying to be trying I'm trying to get down to that somehow so I need some help with it basically uh tell me how I would be

able to use this this Tech technique in my daily life mhm um and uh to make it not to well so that it's a it's natural

you know it's not natural for me to operate this way and the first thing I would the first thing I would recommend to you is change the word natural to

habitual what change the word natural to habitual I think this process is natural more natural than the way you were trained to think so Gandhi says it's

very dangerous to mix up the words natural and habitual he says we have been trained to be quite habitual at communicating in ways that are quite

unnatural so I can't think of a more natural way to communicate than to talk about what's alive in us just what we're feeling and needing but when you feel

like saying if I feel like saying no saying no seems okay to me but what you were saying before is that what you mean what do you mean by okay it's okay to say no

what do you mean by what do I mean we can go back and forth pardon we can go back and forth by asking each other let more

specific when you say no I predict that by saying no more often than you would like the other person is going to react to you in

a way that isn't in your well in your best interest but if you say the need behind the no that's less likely to happen so then if I understand what

you're saying you're trying to the idea is that is to communicate in a way that the other person would communicate back to you so that's it's in my best interest I'm saying the purpose of this

process is to get everybody's needs met and that the needs are met by people giving willingly not out of any coercive motivation and I'm saying that when you

say no it gets in the way of the likelihood that every body's needs are going to end up getting met if you say the need that keeps you from saying yes I predict there's more

likelihood that everybody's needs will end up getting met so it's just what you're if I understand what you're saying saying just to express your needs without saying to no but I would saying the need

is a clear the need is a clearer expression of what you're trying to say than no you get clearer more connected to life when you say the need that keeps you

from saying yes than just saying no and it's less likely to be interpreted as a rejection as you being defensive it's much to say the no by

itself I predict is more likely to get you interpretations that aren't in your best interest sometimes when I don't hear a no I look at it as being sort of

a passive aggressive response to something that I might um want someone you know let's say if you say if I make an appointment with somebody and instead of them saying no

they just don't show up yes and then they give me a reason why they don't show up yes I'm not suggesting that I'm not suggesting that response I'm suggesting that I would have liked that

person to have told you honestly at the time what their need was I think if they had done that you wouldn't have gotten into that situation they said a yes it wasn't so

some people are Won't Say I'm afraid par let's say if the reason is that they're afraid to it would depend a lot on what has happened in the past to them when they have said no in whatever way they

didn't they did it if they have not enjoyed very uh empathic responses to it in the past then they're probably afraid to be

honest about it now I see the value in all this I really do I guess it's the idea that it's a touchy feely type of thing uh that I'm not used to working around that what

you're trying to figure out if I'm understanding is how to really put this into a idiom that you can use daily and feels comfortable to you that's one way of putting it yeah yeah and so in our

training we first show people how to develop the literacy and then how to put it into their their regular

language I had a student traveling with me and he and he wanted to give me an a gratitude okay and he liked something I

did I was really working a group hard and during the break he said dictator that was

giraffe because he knew that I knew what he was reacting to he knew I wouldn't hear a judgment he knew I would guess in there what he was feeling and needing

you see so he could say that to me dictator so after we know how to clearly identify our feelings needs request then we can start to put it into a language

that can connect us with the people we're speaking with but in at this stage of the day after one day I'm still working with you on making sure you understand what a feeling and a need is

because if you don't really understand that it's going to be hard to know how to then put it into your idiot I guess I'm a recovering New York Jackal you

know I'm getting getting the impression that apology isn't really the best service of being a giraffe and I'd like to know if you

could model I'd like to see you model for me an acknowledgment of missing the mark sinning courageously if if you

recall earlier I showed an example of that where I showed the person saying I feel sad I would have liked to have responded with more understanding than I did so you're not using the word I'm

sorry you're saying I'm sad you're telling it's not so much the word I'm sorry what we shifted from was thinking that I did something wrong that it was bad it's that thinking that is the

problem and the Ansari follows from that thinking so it's not just that I don't say I'm sorry I say I'm sad if I'm sad see the word I'm sorry means almost

nothing people people can say that and not feel anything it's this you say that to by forgiveness it's it's so if I'm feeling sad I say that I'm feeling sad I

would have liked to have been more aware of your needs for example where I didn't take the person's needs into consideration but I don't say I'm sorry that was inconsiderate of me there's no

self-blame I didn't do anything wrong there is no such thing as doing anything wrong what I did was not in harmony with my needs I want to mourn that I'm sad I

would have liked to have been more aware of your needs something like that does that give you the example very much so thank you yeah I have a question over here to the your

left um I have a situation with my intimate partner that many times we get together

and we we argue a lot and I have this need um that you were saying earlier is inappropriate that I want her to be

happy I didn't say it was inappropriate I said it was undoable okay right that's what she keeps telling but if you're going to tell me

to be happy tell me the action to get there that I can do if you tell me an action that you predict that if I do that I'll be happy at the end it would be helpful tell me the action don't just

tell me to be happy don't tell me to have confidence in myself tell me what you would like me to do to feel that confidence the action will get me there but just telling me what to feel puts me

into a paradoxical bind okay um well one of the other things would be um when we get together

I don't necessarily want to be um going somewhere with her if she's not in a good mood at that time or if there's some kind of tenseness or something then empathize with why I'm

not in a good mood and I'll be in one but telling me that I got to be in a better mood for you to want to go with me gets me in a worse mood

okay um I'm wondering if there's sometimes when it's over here it's uh I'm I'm feeling some anxiety about a trip I'm planning to visit my mother

soon and we have a dynamic where she really wants to help me figure out every detail of what I'm doing during my stay and I like to be left so let me show you

how to do it and I'm afraid that if I talk to her like this it's going to make matters much worse okay then we'll teach you how if it does we'll show you how to enjoy it when it gets

worse but first let me show you the first thing to do if we want a person to consider another Behavior than the one they're doing start the commun communication by showing them that what

they're doing is the most precious thing they could be doing this way empathy start by empathizing with

Mother's intent in behaving as she does mother I'm guessing that when you jump in and want to uh show me all the things that could be done you really care a lot about my enjoying myself on this trip

and want to be sure you support that oh yes yes there there was a lot of things about yeah so it's really very important to you that uh that I have a good time

and you want to contribute to it yeah that's step one see what I mean that's what I mean by starting by showing you understand now the more we're concerned

about that behavior the more important it is to start with this see that's why when I work in prisons and this person has been sexually molesting people or raping people if I would like this

person to find another way of Behaving the first thing I got to do is make sure that they don't hate themselves for what they're doing the more they hate themselves for what they're doing the more they'll

continue doing it so I start by empathizing with what their needs are in doing it okay so you got that step The Next

Step what we started off the day with I tell honestly how I feel and Mom I'm feeling torn right now because I I'm grateful for your intent but uh I really have a need to kind of make my own

choices here because I think it'd be very hard for anybody else to really know what I need and I need this space to figure it out for myself so uh would you tell me what you heard me say mother

so I can see if I'm making myself clear so now I know mother didn't hear me now I know mother didn't hear my needs she probably heard a rejection she probably heard that she's

not valued so but it's important that I not think that her reaction is because of what I said if I express my feelings and needs

it would be impossible for a person to react this way if they heard it they would have gotten a gift they would have the eyes of a little child getting a gift from Santa Claus that doesn't look

like what Mother's looking like right now so so Mom could you tell me what you just heard me say you don't want me so you heard it kind of as a rejection

mother of course how else could I have heard it well thank you for telling me you heard it as a rejection mother uh notice I didn't say that isn't what I

said see if you want to make it if you want to have people understand you differently never tell them you're misunderstanding me never say that isn't what I

said say thank you for telling me that's what you heard I can see I didn't make myself clear I'd like to try again mother as I do value very much your

offering to help that I have a need to kind of get my own needs clear and structure my own time can you tell me what you hear me say so you think I don't have any

intelligence about helping you thank you for telling me that's what you're hearing mother I'd still I'd like you to hear it differently I'd like you just to hear my needs that I have a real

need to kind of sort things out for myself and structure my own time could you tell me what you heard see you have a need to kind of get

clear for yourself what you want and to figure things out thank you mother see how easy it is to get empathy from a jackal just about three ear pulls and I got it

right now there are some eight pull jackles too I know but I can tell from how sweet you are your mother is a three- pull

Jack thank you maybe a PO yes you mentioned uh you mentioned earlier this morning about enjoying suffering could you elaborate on that oh yes that's that's very important thank

you for bringing back to me about it okay A friend of yours says this to you I'm a nothing they never amount to anything look at I

an assistant clerk at age 45 and my brother's a head of his company my sister is a top attorney

and and I'm a nothing okay now to enjoy this person's suffering we have to release oursel from two kinds of

responsibility first that we didn't cause the pain and we want to release oursel from that especially when the other person is trying to make us believe we did cause

the pain see so if this person had started and you're at fault for all of this why I'm especially when a person says that we do not want to in any way think we

cause this person's pain because you can't cause another person's psychological pain well in this case the person wasn't saying that so that's pretty easy to

liberate ourselves from feeling responsible but the second one is the Hard One to think we have to fix it to make the person feel better the more we think it's our job to

make a person feel better the more we're going to make it worse because you can't fix people the good news is you don't have

to there is a very powerful healing energy always available if we don't block it and how do we block that energy by trying to fix things

ourself so how do we help that energy do the job by empathy and empathy requires presence just to be present when we are just

present when we are remembering the Buddha's advice don't do something stand there when we do that and that energy

works through us there is a precious connection between that person and us and that precious connection is what I mean by enjoy the pain to enjoy that

precious connection and whether this person's feeling Joy or pain if we are present there with

them that's what I mean but we block that beautiful energy whenever we step in and think we have to fix things so if we say oh there there you'll feel better it'll get over we

make it worse when we start to give advice we make it worse so what does that look like so

you're feeling really discouraged and really would like to have achieve more in your life at this moment than you've done yes yes I've had every opportunity and look at me I've just never made use

of anything you know so you're really discouraged and frustrated and uh would really have liked to have made different use of some things than you

have yeah see I'm just present not trying to fix it and when that happens there's a very precious connection that's what I mean by

enjoyment and that precious connection does the healing not your advice not your whatever yes can you clarify the distinction

between empathizing and sort of encouraging and supporting the soap opera of you know somebody who is

um somebody who's suffering and sometimes by being there it's sort of a subtle encouragement as opposed to um the subtle encouragement that I think

you're talking about comes about when this person is talking about what happened to them for the 50th time you've heard the story so if I'm really listening to them I don't hear what they

talk about about the past cuz I know that the more they talk about the past the less healing will take place right so I interrupt but I interrupt to bring the

conversation to life they're talking about the past and I interrupt and I say excuse me but sounds like right now you're still feeling hurt because your need for

respect wasn't met in that see because just letting them talk about the past and asking them questions about what happened about the past is to

just keep the soap opera going so I interrupt when they talk about the past because we don't heal by talking about the past we heal by talking about what's

alive in us right now stimulated by the past but it's what's here now and when I connect at that level they won't keep talking about it they'll

heal last question and then I'm going to get into uh the subject that I'd like to cover before the end yes

um I you talk about um having uh let's see that someone else cannot cause our

emotional pain that's right and I think about the the abuse that I grew up with and that I see in a lot of families and and the suffering that I've yes experien

throughout my life yes through my recovery and all that and yes and other people were a stimulus for yourself suffering and you are participant by how you dealt with

it for for example if you follow me in my work you would see this very clearly uh in places like Rwanda Burundi

uh Sierra Leon I'm working with people that have had their families killed some of those people have such rage that all they live for Moment by

moment is the possibility of Vengeance others have no anger have never had anger same exact stimulus they

have deep feelings but not rage so it is not the stimulus that determines how our emotional reaction is that part is up to

us I have I work with some women unfortunately a lot who have been raped and some of them feel shame deep

shame some feel rage some feel other things so the same stimulus depends how people take it

whether they feel shame Rage or other things I'm working with a woman from Rwanda who had me she heard her three children being killed CU she got to underneath the sink hid underneath the

sink in time her children didn't make it to the hiding place in time they got killed she heard them she heard her husband being killed and her brother she had to stay underneath there 11 days to

save her own life cuz they stayed in the house after they killed the family this woman has deep feelings but never once has she had the kind of anger that makes her want to get

Vengeance she's put all of her feelings and lots of them into protecting preventing this happening to anybody else you see so the way she looked at it

leads her to want to prevent this happening to anybody else she came to my workshop because she wanted to know how to deal with the rage toward her from other people in her tribe who are

furious with her that they don't want she won't join their efforts to kill the other people same stimulus quite different reactions okay

so I had the stimulus and somewhere I learned how to deal with it in the way that I had dealt with it and I'm learning to change that now the worst thing of course would be no matter how you did choose to deal with it is to

think there was something wrong with how you chose to deal with it I'm not wanting us to get into one way is right or wrong I'm just saying that no matter what happens to us the other person's responsible for what they did I'm not

saying the other person doesn't have responsibility that's my question about accountability is that person's responsible for what they did and why they did it we're responsible for how we deal with

that okay let's get I'm just wondering how a child becomes responsible I mean still you know children the first thing I do is I wouldn't want to teach the child

the lesson I just taught you until I had given that child all the empathy that child needed and I would guess it would be a lot so I can see myself dealing

with a long time of hearing this child's enormous pain as a result of this but then in the course of this I

would be seeing this child having some pain created by how they looked at it so I would see that they're creating pain on top of

Pain by how they looked at it so after the child had all the empathy he or she needed then I would do what I could to

get them to see it in a way that wouldn't create unnecessary pain for themselves is a baby this is a baby Jackal yes okay now what I'd like to do in the

precious time that we have left to deal with a very important part of giraffe because I wouldn't want you to get the idea that nonviolent communication is solely interested in conflict

resolution because it's equally interested in celebration how can we celebrate life in fact the part that I've left for 10 minutes before the end is in some

respects the most important part because it's where we get the fuel to stay giraffe in a what's often a very jackalous world see so it's going to be

pretty hard to make this radical transformation into back to our nature in many situations unless we're getting plenty of

fuel now where does the fuel come from the fuel comes from celebration and what kind of Celebration comes from

saying thank you in giraffe so let's see now in the last minutes how we celebrate by saying thank you in giraffe expressing gratitude in

giraffe and first I'd like to remind you of how Jackal is jackals say thank you you did a good job on that

paper you are a very kind person you're a good dancer can you see why that's

Jackal Jud moralistic judgments POS positive moralistic judgments are equally as violent in my estimation as

negative ones namely they reinforce the idea that the negative exists if I say you're a kind person I'm implying there's such a thing as an unkind person I'm also implying that I'm the judge

that knows the difference so no more praise or compliments okay no more praise or compliments especially when you intend

them as a reward that's the ultimate dehumanization to use thank you as a reward to say it for the purpose of trying to reinforce something to get the

person to continue doing it it's like sending a you know what what goes on at dog obedience school punishment and reward see so

giving a compliment or praise for the purpose of reinforcement is giving the dog uh something to eat to reinforce it for something well people are not for

that treatment and it destroys the beauty of thank you when people have to wonder is this being said out of that energy but it

works what does Jackal studies in management indicate that if managers praise and compliment employees daily production goes

up studies in school show that if teachers praise and compliment students daily they work harder Jack will take another look at

the research I think you'll see that that only works for a very short time until people see the manipulation and then it no longer works

and it destroys the beauty of thank you because now you cannot even trust gratitude without wondering whether it's being used as a reinforcement as a

reward well what about if I want to build up the other person's self-esteem what's wrong with that so Jackal you don't see the irony of that what if the other person can only like

themsel when you compliment them they have no self-esteem they you've just addicted them to your rewards that they only feel good when you say something about them they have no

self-esteem okay how does a giraffe say thank you or gratitude first there's three things that are involved in a giraffe

expression of gratitude that give us energy to keep being a giraffe see the first thing in a giraffe expression of gratitude is we bring to

this other person's attention concretely what they have done that has made life more wonderful for us see that's what we

need to do daily we need to bring our Consciousness and attention to the power that each one of us has to make life more

wonderful each of us is a Powerhouse we have words that have the power to contribute

to making people's lives more wonderful we have touch we can touch people in ways that can make life more

wonderful we can provide services for people we are powerhouses the more we remember this we not get caught up in

any violent games why would we use our energy any way other than to make life wonderful when we remember that we have this power so that's one thing we got to

make clear in our expression of gratitude specifically what the person did not some vague generality for example a woman in Geneva

switzland came up to me at the end of a workshop here's what she said to me you're brilliant I said it doesn't help she said what do you mean I said OU

know ma'am I have been called a lot of names in my life really I have some positive and some far less than positive and I can never recall learning anything

valuable by somebody telling me what I am I think there's zero information value in being told what you are and great danger you might believe it and

it's it's just as dangerous to believe that you're smart is that you're stupid both of them reduce you to a thing you see we're much more than

either of those but I can see in your eyes that you want to uh express some gratitude yes and I want to receive it but doesn't help me to be told what I am what do you

need to hear what did I do to make life more wonderful for you well you're so intelligent no doesn't help doesn't help what did I

do oh I got you I got you she opens up her notebook she showed me two things that I had said that she had written down she put a big star by

them see that helps me now okay that helps me to know that somehow my saying those two things made this person's life more

wonderful so that's the first thing we need to say in appreciation we need to bring to the person's attention concretely what they did that made life

more wonderful second at the moment we're giving the Gratitude to say how we feel at that moment about the person having done

that so I said to this woman could you tell me how you feel now as a result of my having said those two things she said hopeful and relieved oh hopeful and

relieved that gives me much more than telling me what I am that I'm brilliant just to know that somehow my saying those two

things now this person feels hopeful and relieved now when I hear the third thing I'll be able to really enjoy this gratitude I said what need of yours was

fulfilled by my saying what I did that leaves you feeling hopeful and relieved and that's the third thing we need to see in a giraffe

gratitude she said I have an 18-year-old son I've never been able to connect with him it's been very painful that we never can connect and I have needed some

direction to help me connect with him those two things you said met my need for some concrete Direction so had she expressed her

gratitude in giraffe she would have said Marshall when you said these two things showed me what the two things were it leaves me feeling hopeful in relieved it

meets a need of mine to connect with my son in a way that I want okay that's how we say gratitude and giraffe those three things and it's

also important how we receive gratitude let me show you how a Gira a jackal receives gratitude Jackal when you offered to give me the ride just now

over to where I'm going afterwards I feel very grateful because I really have a need to spend more time with my family and if I took the bus I'd have an hour or less time it's

nothing see if you want to terrorize a jackal express love or appreciation to

it really if you really want to scare a jackal I've never seen anything scar Jackal speaking people more than sincere gratitude or love

why do you get so nervous Jackal when you hear it well I I I don't know that I deserved it uh see jackals have this dangerous

Concept in their head deserve it's a very violent concept see it implies that you have to deserve appreciation you have to you do deserve

punishment if you behave in a certain way see the concept of deserve is a key ingredient in a violent way of life if you believe and deserve you think certain things are worth things

and you'll set up a very destructive economic system you'll set up a destructive correctional system very dangerous

concept well that's not the only reason why else do you get so scared when you hear gratitude Jackal what's wrong with being

humble so you want to have a need for humility yeah yes well you know Jackal there's different kinds of humility I'm afraid that your kind is a jackal humility I think your kind is the kind

that gold to my ear the Israeli Prime Minister was reacting to when she said to one of her politicians don't be so humble you're not that great but the main reason that I believe

that gratitude is so scary for many of us to receive is beautifully and poetically written in the course and miracles where they say it's our light

not our darkness that scares us the most see having been educated in this Jackal way to hate ourselves to think there's something

wrong with us it's a big jump to really see what I was saying that we have enormous power to make life

wonderful and there's nothing we enjoy doing more than exercising that power that's pretty unfortunately a pretty big jump for us to come to but we

can come to it so that's how we say gratitude observation feeling in need same literacy make sure it's coming from the

heart to celebrate and never to praise compliment reward so any last comments or questions before our time Runs Out I'm grateful for all your time and

attention to [Applause] me

that