What I Learned In My 20s

I turned 30 a few weeks ago and I had a very wholesome birthday.

It's wild because I'm actually an adult and I know I've technically been an adult for a while now, but there's something that hits different. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and more adult. And it's because each year in my 20s, I learned something about myself. The memories I made in my 20s are the most vivid

for me. and it simultaneously felt so long, but so fast at the same

for me. and it simultaneously felt so long, but so fast at the same time. And I've come to realize that time is relative and it only slows down

time. And I've come to realize that time is relative and it only slows down when you make it a point to actively notice it. This is why I wanna pause and reflect and share with you all each lesson I learned in my 20s.

It's 2010 and I'm 20 years old and I am in a rut. To sum it up shortly, I just felt like a huge disappointment. First, all my dream colleges rejected me. Second,

I was living at my parents' house. Third, I was a year and a half deep at community college. Hi, we're at Mt. SAC. We're in class.

Oh, there's ashes. I felt so stuck and stagnant. I could like physically feel all the energy just blocked and it got to a point where I was just tired of waiting for things to happen for me. I wanted to do something about it. So instead, I tried to make my own luck. So I bit

the bullet and I finally started a YouTube channel with Sarah. I'm Sarah. I'm

Jen. I'm 21. And I'm 20. You? Yeah. Our interest with fashion and style really bloomed, and it felt like every moment was a chance to create a presentation with our outfits. The world was our runway. So I picked up my dad's video camera and I filmed our thrift hauls, and at night, I would

take out my Canon Rebel and document our nights out. I wanted to physically insert myself in any creative situation because I felt like I had nothing to lose. Okay.

lose. Okay.

Have you ever been on acid? Yeah. Then you know what I'm talking about. I'm

on it right now. There you go.

When I was 21, I finally transferred to UC Davis. I just wanted to get out of LA and head up north, so I packed up all my things and drove to Davis, California. It was exhilarating to get to start over, create new ties, and kind of be whoever I wanted to be. It was really exciting for the first month, but pretty soon I was swallowed with loneliness. And this is where you

guys helped me feel connected. Whenever I felt lonely or if I had some free time, I would just film videos and upload it. I'd go on my channel and I'd chat with you guys in the comments. It made me feel good and reassured, so. Thank you to the OGs who have been with me since 2011. I still

so. Thank you to the OGs who have been with me since 2011. I still

needed human interaction, so I did what I knew best, I went out. I went

on Yelp and Delta of Venus came up. It was a cafe by day and bar by night. This is actually the place where I met Stephanie. All I knew was that I wanted to be around people and I wanted to rock the F out of an outfit to school. I'd wear my Jeffrey Campbell tardies, my Unif hell raisers, and all the thrifted goodies I found over the weekend. This was the first

time where I felt truly brave enough to express my style and feel good about it because I was at a setting where absolutely no one knew me. I was

anonymous and I loved that. During all this time, I kept up my YouTube channel. I was posting once a week and I finally felt like everything just clicked.

channel. I was posting once a week and I finally felt like everything just clicked.

I had found my passion. I was getting checks from Google doing something that I absolutely loved. Like I was aware of the activities I loved doing like meeting people,

absolutely loved. Like I was aware of the activities I loved doing like meeting people, soaking up art, music, style, making videos, but I never thought I'd be able to monetize all of these seemingly unrelated things. I think a turning point that happened for me was when I got invited to New York Fashion Week. I went alone and

it was my first time ever stepping into the city. And I finally was kind of connected to this world that I thought I'd never be a part of. My

channel was really growing and I finally found something that I was kind of decent at. I felt like I had waited forever for this moment because never in my

at. I felt like I had waited forever for this moment because never in my life did I feel like I was good at anything. I graduated UC Davis with a BA in communication and I wanted to stay up north still. San Francisco

was like ridiculously expensive so I moved into a cute little duplex in Oakland.

And it was the first time that I lived alone. No family, no roommates, no nobody. Just me. Alone. And I fucking loved it. It was the first

nobody. Just me. Alone. And I fucking loved it. It was the first time I really felt independent. I was living alone, making videos, and on Thursdays, I'd pop on over to the bar and go to San Francisco to raise hell with

Stephanie.

When I was 24, I fell in love hard. I had met Ben earlier that year, and it sounds cliche, but I had never met anyone like him. Stephanie introduced

us on a random night out in SF. He was recording an album with his band, and he and the guys were in the city for a month, and we just clicked. He was witty, bright, and so easy to talk to. I felt like

just clicked. He was witty, bright, and so easy to talk to. I felt like I could really be myself around him because he made me feel so comfortable and so loved. We were in a long distance relationship for over a year and it

so loved. We were in a long distance relationship for over a year and it had its highs and its lows, but it was all worth it because we were crazy about each other.

I finally moved back to LA when I was 25. My family, my friends, my work were all here. So I moved to downtown LA and suddenly the city was my amusement park. In my teenage years, I did hang around LA, but I never truly lived the city life. I was reconnecting with friends, making new ones, and

my only agenda was to relish in all of it. Honestly, 25 was kind of a blur, but it was a happy blur because I was home.

always struggled with big dips in my mood, and I started to notice that when I exercise consistently, it helped stabilize my mind more. It took me a minute to notice this because exercising to boost your mood isn't just a pill you swig back and feel right away. It's very, very subtle, and it works best when you're patient

and consistent with it. It usually creeps up after you shower, after a workout, you feel accomplished, you feel good, You know you're doing something to take care of yourself, and I liked that. When I was 27, I saw a therapist for the first time. Ben proposed to me, and of course I said yes,

but I wanted to be 100 for him, for us. If we were gonna get married, I knew that I had to finally address these inner demons in me because I felt like they were swallowing me for so long. my life kind of blasted into a string of surreal events and I wasn't processing what was going on. And

my self-loathing just got worse and worse because I felt like I didn't deserve any of this. The only voice that made sense to me was the one that was

of this. The only voice that made sense to me was the one that was telling me what a piece of shit I was. I hit an emotional rock bottom.

So I got professional help. After going to three therapists in a span of a year, I found one that I really clicked with. Therapy takes time and there's no quick fix, but therapy was a big turning point in my life because it was the start of me digging deeper to the core of who I am and why

I am this way. I learned this lesson at the end of 28, which is alcohol does not make me more interesting. I loved how it made me feel. It made me relaxed, warm, confident. Thought it made me cooler, more

me feel. It made me relaxed, warm, confident. Thought it made me cooler, more charming, more fun. This is a lie that I believed for so long. Alcohol

was also everywhere, and most of the time it was free. So I would always help myself to the open bar because I had always associated a good time with alcohol. Going out felt like my only escape. I had convinced myself that

alcohol. Going out felt like my only escape. I had convinced myself that my drunk self was my best self.

And looking back at these clips, I gotta admit that they were fun, but in no way do I feel like this was my quote-unquote best self. All I

wanted was intensity. It was like a pendulum that swung from left to right, swinging.

I was caught in this endless cycle of being horribly hungover, recovering, and then dying to go out with my friends for another release.

Until finally, this happened.

This was, yet again, another turning point for me. It was a physical reminder that there are repercussions for my actions. I was blacked out when this accident happened, and it made me rethink my relationship with alcohol. The most recent lesson I learned was that I'm allowed to take my time. I've always been a

pretty impatient person. Before, I felt like I was constantly rushing, rushing to get things done, rushing to get things executed. I had a seemingly endless to-do list that I was constantly cranking in and out. But this year, I learned that I can slow down. I'm allowed to take some extra time. I can take time when I'm

slow down. I'm allowed to take some extra time. I can take time when I'm reading. I can take time to appreciate the breeze. I can take time to learn

reading. I can take time to appreciate the breeze. I can take time to learn and educate myself with what's going on in the world so I can make more critical and informed decisions. It stripped out all the unnecessary things in my life and it made room for all the important values to float to the top. The best

things come with time. I mean, even these lessons took time for me to learn.

So I think to end this chapter of my 20s, I want to say an official goodbye.

you guys for being such a huge part of my life. I've been on YouTube for 10 years now and it is all documented. These are my receipts. You guys

are a massive part of the reason for me to be able to live this life that I have and I never ever forget that. So I thank you for radically changing my life. Aging isn't something we should fear. It's a part of life and I welcome each year. If I can add it to my belt, I will.

One of you guys shared this quote with me and I thought I would leave it here. I thought it would be a good ending.

it here. I thought it would be a good ending.