Why Beautiful Women Are Nuts and Successful Men Are Assh*les-Orion Taraban

welcome back Orion thanks Mark it's always good to be here so we've done several talks now and uh I just thought maybe we would just wing it you know you

uh I don't really have anything prepared but I I watch your channel every Monday and Friday you post a new video and You' posted so many

interesting Little Talks you know everything from from um like we you did a beautiful talk on the difference between a mother's love and a Father's Love which

was a great talk you did the holders and sniffers that was a fun one it was that was about how Partners handle well actually farting in their

relationship which is kind of a trivial problem but I talk about it more as a metaphor for let's say the unpleasant and distasteful aspects of our personalities and I think there's basically two ways to approach it you

can either kind of hold it in and protect your partner from some of those aspects of ourselves that just aren't easy to get along with or you tend to

just sort of let them rip and say hey people got to love and accept me for who I am and I'm going to go for the authentic approach even if it might be a little distasteful from time to time and

I think those are two radically different approaches to relationships and I think that you can have successful relationships both ways but that you generally have to be with a compatible like-minded person like it's hard for

holders and sniffers to get along the most interesting part of that talk for me was where were you um kind of quoted I think it was a professor that you knew who said you you

need to be with somebody who you like the smell of their farts yeah it wasn't a professor was a mentor of mine and that was some advice that he gave me long ago when I was a love Lorn young man because if you're really in love

with somebody you're you're going to just accept everything about him good and bad at least tolerate I think that that's something that we should stress more in today's day and age is you don't

have to like everything about your partner but you might have to tolerate certain things and that's okay because they might have to tolerate certain things about you it's like everyone thinks their farts smell better than

they do to other people have we become to too like spoiled Have We Become too spoiled like like we're we're our goals I think our expectations are too high expectations

are too high in so many different ways H and one of the most damaging expectations is that our partner should be everything to us like our lover and

our business partner and our best friend and our therapist and our mommy or daddy and it's very difficult to get even one of those things discharged well from one

person and so that really puts a lot of pressure and expectation on relationships and it's sort of like a chain is only as strong as its weakest link and sometimes somebody who could be

a great co-parent may not be a a very emotionally vulnerable supportive best friend and that can create problems maybe a

wonderful mother isn't a great lover and vice versa so it's important I think for people to understand that you can't get everything from everyone and everyone

has something about them that is going to be less than ideal I think the advice to find somebody whose farts you can live with

is important though because things for whatever reason are just easier to live with than other things it's like and I think everyone is has the right to have his or her own like deal breakers the

things they just really can't stand or the things that get under their skin and they don't want to have in their relationships it can be useful for people to examine where that distaste comes from but that doesn't necessarily

mean you have to force yourself to live with it um some things are going to be more charming and quirky other things are going to be gross and distasteful right and on some level the practice of

love is to accept the other person for who he or she is and to hope that they also give you the same Grace as well in return you certainly don't show up to a relationship hoping to be changed by the

other person to be more in lined with who they would like you to be but people go to relationships all the time consciously or not to change their partner sometimes we can say that it's well-intentioned like I can see the

potential in you right you can be so much better better than you currently are but on some level that's a kind of a disrespect to the individual as he or she is and another person might not see

anything wrong with that behavior or that trait it really is a subjective thing one of the other talks you did

recently which was kind of addressing what you just spoke about there's no need to understand the problem which I thought was great because we're constantly focusing on like let's f figure out your problems let's figure

out your problems let's go to therapy let's figure them out but the truth is as you said even if you figure it out doesn't mean the problem has evaporated it's still there no there's a couple things about this I

think one of them I said in the episode I've said on the channel before which is that Insight isn't enough and I learned this when I worked for a couple years in my training at a outpatient chemical

dependency clinic and you would see all kinds of folks come through your doors in that kind of setting and there were folks who were kind of like frequent flyers they've gone through the system

they've gone through programs multiple times sometimes mandated sometimes not these folks had been thoroughly therapized like they spoke the lingo

better than I did at that point and they could tell you all about their alcoholic family Dynamics and their shame-based self and the chain analysis of what led

them to relapse and how alcoholism from their great-grandfather has been passed down down to the generations and they still drink so it's like these folks

were sufficiently aware both of their vulnerability factors and the mental processes that lead them to drink and relapse and yet they continue to do

so by the same token that same day I could see somebody with a very low Insight who would come into the office and say I want to stop

drinking why uh I don't know I don't like anymore and he just decides not to put the alcohol in his mouth anymore and he's in recovery like he's he's getting

better that way what's really interesting about working with addicts in particular is there are few sectors of mental health where you can see such

profound growth and change in a human being in such a short amount of time like if you can succeed in helping somebody go without alcohol or meth or

opioids for 3 months like they can become a totally different person yeah I've seen it happen it's amazing it's so hopeful and encouraging of course the issue is to stay that way

right like what's the joke is quitting is easy I've done it a 100 times so that's one thing is that Insight is just not enough the other thing that I haven't said on the channel but I'll say

here kind of a controversial take but that not everyone should be in a relationship not everybody's ready to be in a relationship think about it this way

if if you had a broken leg and you were trying out for like the varsity football team no one would have a problem with you sitting on the bench for a while it

doesn't mean you'll never get to play but maybe you need to heal your leg and go through some physical therapy and do what you need to do to get to a place where you could actually contribute to the

team that's a tough sell when it comes to let's say emotional or psychological injuries sometimes people think that if it's not visible people should just be able to get over it or our hearts are

Teflon or these folks deserve love and relationships too and I think that's kind of a tough sell it's like some

people if they've been traumatized by previous relationships or their childhood or life which is obviously subject to happening it happens to lots of folks it's like a broken leg is that

maybe you need to take some time off the field and heal and do what you need to do to get to a place where you can contribute positively to the team effort and insisting that you should play in

spite of that insult or that injury to your heart or to your mind I think that just is in spite of reality on some level does that make

sense makes perfect sense yeah and so I always you know sometime I think every week I'm dealing with consultations from guys who are in less than satisfying

relationships and they think yeah she tells me she's still trying to get over her trust issues from the ex that cheated on her or she had a narcissistic father and and she's working through

that and I was like okay that's good that she's working through that but she's still in physical therapy like she's she doesn't get a spot on the team yet she's on the RO she maybe she's on the roster but she's on the what the

disabled list or the injury list whatever they call it so um there's no need to go forward with somebody who's still in the process of healing

um and it's certainly not I tell these men it's not your responsibility to make all of these like changes to the game to accommodate where she is emotionally or

psychologically it's like we're not going to change the rules of football so that people with broken legs can play and we should be cautious about going out of our way to allow that to

happen just give people some time take six months 12 months heal up get better and then get back on the field it's not a big deal aren't we often though finding a partner that might be slightly

broken in hopes that we can fix him up and then make him something that maybe we couldn't get if they were 100% when we met them uh I

think a lot of people do I I certainly was that way when I was younger and I'll speak from my own experience I think I did that because I didn't have a very high

self-esteem I didn't know if I could successfully compete as a Young Man against some of the guys who were more accomplished more

attractive stronger on some level I was wondering what a healthy high functioning woman would want to do with me so on some level I'm as not the

fastest lion I might have targeted the gazelle's with the limp you know that's I was like okay maybe that's my food on some level so and cons I think this was

unconscious but my thinking was that I will earn my Rel relationship I will earn my sex I will earn my love by

helping this person because what I where I might have been able to compete even back then was with my mind and with my words and things that I was interested in that respect so I thought okay I know

a little bit about psychology I know a little bit about X Y and Z maybe I can go in help this woman because I could see the potential in her and as she gets

better she'll reward me in her gratitude with sex love and relationship and it turns out that's not usually what happens that's not how it works no so

I've discovered that as I've become more authentically confident and with a A good measure of self-worth in a sense of my own self-efficacy I don't I don't do

that anymore um but I think a lot of people unconsciously believe that they're not enough and so they Target Partners

consciously or not that are also deficient in some way and expect them to be grateful for doing so you see people in your private practice you also are living in this

world of relationships and everything else that we're dealing with in life how many people are happy in their romantic

Partnerships I don't know man that's that's a tough one it's like we we know outcomes about like marriage that 55% of all marriages end in divorc it's only

40% for first marriages only but 55% overall because if you get divorced once you're more likely to get divorced again but that doesn't necessarily mean that the people who stay together are

happy nor does it mean the people who separated we're unhappy like I think that's obviously the case in in in some

instances but I think it's a bridge too far to just make that assumption I can speak for my own personal experience having been

personally invited into hundreds of people's relationships I can think of maybe one or two relationships families marriages where I would think oh this is pretty

nice I could do this the vast majority of the time I'm there and I'm like I don't know how these people do it like I could not handle this and that's okay I don't have

to right you know but I don't know I don't know I think in general people aren't very

happy and it doesn't seem like a relationship makes you happier we sure are convinced that it will though we try so

hard yeah people often think relation like a like a romantic that kind of relationship can make you happier can you chase it until you are exhausted and then you chase it some more a lot of

people do that yeah I think we need relationships like a life without relationships would be very hard uh I think Aristotle said that only

a beast or a God could live outside of society and Society is formulated of relationships like you have to be so self-sufficient and independent that you would need nobody

which would make you I I don't even know what it would make you or you you're just half feral so most of us need relation

ships and they are a potentially a great source of our meaning and satisfaction they don't have to be romantic relationships though I think friendships are actually more important than romantic

relationships in many respects but we sure do value the romantic ones more well we seem to sure they're fun too you know so

many uh of these kind of relationship gurus which I'll lump you into that group uh they seem to focus focus on how women are aiming for these guys that

are the the most Alpha the most successful the most attractive the most all that but I and you and I have talked about this off I think at dinner once where I I think there are women

who probably because of some subconscious thing that they believe about themsel will aim low they will not go for a guy who is the

most attractive C the best candidate for a good life a lot of women learn to aim lower I don't think they aim low but

many of them learn to aim lower because you're right it's in in the beginning like ever since high school most women it's like there's

clickish and fattish about which guys are hot and which guys are not and even in high school there was like three guys of the entire class that had seemed like 90% of the girls were smooting over

right and that that doesn't change all that much especially Cor research it seems like the vast majority of women are all kind of looking at the top let's say 15% of men that 90% of the women

were into is that what you said yeah yeah certainly in with like for example revealed preferences on dating apps yeah and some guys hear that and they

despair but I don't believe that that's Justified because the top 15% of men is constantly being renovated like it's very hard to be in that

top echelon indef Ely and the men were there 30 years ago likely are not there today do you see so you get a you get a moment if you play your cards right you

get a little lucky and you work pretty hard just like women you know it's like they're most attractive in a season on some level and men can kind of even the

odds through hard work and dedication and a little luck over decades potentially um so I don't think men need to hear that stat and think it's never

going to happen to me I certainly when I was younger didn't think that I would be where I am today life is long and mysterious okay

so what often women learn though is that those attractive men are a wash and optionality and the research also is pretty clear

that men enjoy and pursue casual sex more often than women do and so a lot of men who are in that highest Echelon who

are getting a lot of female attention I mean why stop the the buffet as it were it's like why settle down with any one woman especially now when an

everything's kind of coming in hard and fast as it were so that might not be an issue for a younger woman but eventually most women

seem to want to have a family and they might eventually despair of being able to get that from the most attractive man

either because that man sees that woman as exceedingly expensive because of the opportunity cost it would require to devote himself exclusively to her and

raising a family with her or that she's not sufficiently attractive for him to do that like that's the the truth of the situation and so a lot of women

understand that okay if I really want this maybe need to go after a different type of man a man who is more caring who's able to provide who has a stable job maybe he's not the most interesting

guy maybe he's not the most attractive guy but if I play my cards right I might be able to get a ring I might be able to get a house I might be able to get some

kids I think what I'm what I am uh referring to is more like one of the most interesting things I've heard I've done like over 8,000 interviews and and

this to me was the most mind-blowing thing I'd ever heard um Phil messing who is a New York Post reporter he he did a talk with uh Pete panuco who's a who is a homicide detective in New York and

they did a talk about some of the big homicide cases in New York and Phil was talking about going to uh to interview a death row inmate

and there's certain hours where they are allowed visitors and he said it was the most fascinating thing to go during those visiting hours and here he the way

he described it was a lineup of tens of women no kidding they're here for their death row Daddy wow it's like what the [ __ ] you should make a documentary about that no but but that's kind of what I'm

talking about these women could probably get anybody they want but they're looking for this guy who's locked up never getting out jobless

moneyless just crazy that kind of behavor in serious Killers even that have targeted women yeah multiple times or women that like look for in inmates

you know they get become pen pals and I've done a couple of those well yeah I remember seeing a couple episodes from a I think there was one woman she was

Eastern European MH yeah who um got involved with someone on the death row Iana yeah I think so and what was interesting as I recall about her story is I think she was raised in um

wartime I believe you're right I think she was raised in Bosnia during in the 9s during some of the the conflicts in the dissolution of Yugoslavia that's right

and you can have all kinds of ethics and and moral principles however in in Wartime a lot of those

things go out the window like the ability to attach yourself to a man with a known willingness and track record in

killing might be the safest [ __ ] thing that you could possibly do like it's wise to do that I learned this in my own family

like my grandfather was a soldier who in the aftermath of World War II walked with my grandmother and a few other civilians from Ukraine to Germany before

kind of like getting everybody on boats to America like I doubt that my grandmother and those civilians would have gone with him if he wasn't a

killer and he that he didn't have a gun and knew how to use it like they were safer with that man now according to stories I've been told it's he was not the easiest person

to live with let's put it that way and it's like Ivana you can take the girl out of War but sometimes you can't take the war out of the girl and what might

be very adaptive and even rational in some context might be really maladaptive and irrational in others this is a very obvious example

but I think to a lesser extent this kind of programming affects all of us to one degree or another where the things that this is an interesting idea is like a

lot of the the the Neurosis that's an outdated term but a lot of like the the mental issues that people deal with at one

point in their lives where their most adapt solution to a problem they were facing usually in their families of

origin it may not make sense outside of the family though and it might be less effective more expensive even come with painful consequences but if people

haven't like updated their browser if they haven't really like taken in the fact that they're no longer children living in that household under these circumstances they can have those things

affect them for often the the rest of their lives even but like I say most the word dysfunction is the word function dysfunction mostly works if it didn't no

one would [ __ ] do it so that's something to keep in mind when you're potentially judging other people Andor judging yourself is that there's probably a reason why you do the things

that you do even if they cause you pain yeah humans are interesting they're fascinating man and we're all psychologists to some degree or another

fig to be you do because people are both a potential solution to a problem and the biggest [ __ ] problem you're ever going to have when your partner is

giving you a hard time over something and you just see it as it's not really warranted you have to get inside her head figure out what what's

going on there so that you can understand where she's coming from it's so you need to become a therapist that's true but that goes back to the Trap of understanding which we were talking

about earlier like you can do that or you can say I regardless of where this is coming from it's like your leg is broken heal that and then play with me

you'll never have a partner ever well I don't know about that we're all broken to some extent to some extent but like we said some farts smell better than others and some people actually have healed a little bit more than others you

keep coming back to the farts it all comes back to the farts two of my favorite talks you've done they're like book why beautiful women are nuts and why

successful men are jerks oh yeah provocative titles it's a while since I I wrote those you might have to jog my memor oh yes I remember now which one do you want me to talk to

talk about first take your pick which one you in the mood for well you got to compare the two let's go with why successful men are jerks because I found

that when we give men a hard time first sometimes it's more palatable when we come to the women you're you're you're learning how to be thank you diplomatic so uh the word I would use which I used

in the episode but not in the title is why successful men are [ __ ] and that's generally what men are accused of as being [ __ ] and I think the issue the

reason why successful men turn out this way I don't think they usually start this way they turn into that is because they have learned to do all

kinds of things that they don't really want to do in order to get and keep women I don't think women understand

that probably 90 95% of what an average man does is designed to increase his chances to either get or keep women I would say higher than that you think

higher than 95% I mean like I remember having this conversation when I was younger and we're all dating and and one of my friends

goes everything a man does whether he's become successful powerful Rich what you name it it's all just to get women well I said that in the episode why

successful men cheat it's like a lot of people shake their heads in disbelief why would this guy who's at the top of his craft his industry he's president he's King like he has everything and he

threw it all away by sleeping with some woman some intern some mistress and it's like you're missing the point the reason why he became the CEO and the president was to be able to do that like that's

that's the brass ring that's unconsciously held out for men that's why they work sometimes to their graves and they die in harness because that's so frustrating for women though and in

what sense like a woman thinks like I'm the perfect partner for this guy he should be happy with me forever and and she's done nothing wrong and then one

day he just finds a 24 year old and yeah well we can I can talk about I can talk to that like it's it's very difficult to

have St able fulfilling long-term relationships not least of all because no one continues to pay the

plumber what does that mean so it's like when your toilet is when your toilet is clogged the plum the plumber is in very high demand but after the clog has been

resolved no one continues to pay the plumber you get him out of the house you give him what he's owed but that's it we're done here so it's like people go to other people because they need and

want things from others the issue is that in giving those things to another I'm complicit in my own

obsolesence like a plumber who doesn't unclog clogs isn't a plumber like they he would get no business whatsoever but as soon as he's done

unclogging the clog he's got no more business now the world is full of clogs there's always going to be plumbers right but the issue is

if I need to give you what you want to get into a relationship with you but giving you what you want means you no longer need to be in a relationship with

me how the [ __ ] do we do this right and so in the long term this is not something that we openly discuss at all I've never heard anyone talk about this

we have to continue to find new problems to solve in the our partners lives we need new ways to be needed and if those new ways to do not produce themselves

then either you generally you just drift apart and maybe you separate but maybe you just become like roommates and platonic friends living in your own house which maybe isn't the worst thing but probably isn't the best thing either

right this is often why in particular marriages suffer a crisis when the kids are launched or about to be launched you both parties might have chosen each

other to some extent because you think that this person would be a good mother very kind good with children or this would be a loyal family man it's like

okay now if you have kids you'll never not be a parent but like those qualities and behaviors and attributes are much less relevant now that the kids are 20

than they were when they were two so if you don't have anything else to give you're like the plumber who's unclogged the drain and that F seems really shitty

because it's like a because raising children is no small thing and a partnership of 20 years shouldn't be just thrown out like yesterday's garbage right but the issue is in there could be

another 40 years of life left like that's a long time to not have a need to be discharged to not have something that we're working on together and so that's what I counsil folks who are going

through this is you have to find other projects that really speak to the both of you that you can collaborate on and there's there's tons that that could be

you could adopt a bunch of dogs and Foster them you could travel the world and start becoming influencers together you can found a new business you can

build a house together like you have to do some kind of overarching project you need to keep dangling the carrot there needs to be a new clog yeah there needs to be a new clog that needs to be

unclogged and in the absence of that you don't you get rid of the plumber that's why people who need nothing from their Partners their

relationships are the most precarious I was once doing a consultation with an older woman who was having marital difficulties and she was just like I I

don't know what the problem is like I have my own money from my family like I don't I'd be fine by myself I don't need my husband for anything and I was like if that's true which it probably isn't

but if that's true you should never tell him that don't ever say that with your mouth and certainly don't communicate that with your attitude or your behavior because I'm sure he doesn't think that

he does nothing for you and if you act as if he does nothing for you in spite of his efforts and his loyalty and his continued investment he's going to feel like the biggest

schmuck in the world because he's clearly still giving and trying and it's not even being acknowledged or recognized and that's a dangerous game

to be to have one's efforts not even recognized or invalidated we need to need each other and in the absence of that we just have

desire we just have want which is a very capricious thing it comes and goes if it's just desire why not break up when the desire ends that sounds reasonable the whole basis of the relationship was

desire there's no more desire we came here to eat dinner we had our food time to go home makes sense so oh sorry I can pull it back around so

I was about to say you so a lot of guys do [ __ ] that they don't want to do in order to be competitive with women get access to them

and what they begin to learn as they make decent choices and become more successful is that women tend to respond to them more and better as a function of

having things that they can offer women that women really want like a 20-year-old man could give a woman his

heart but a 45y old man could give her a yacht could give her a family could give her travel around the world could give her the ability to quit her job could

give her the ability to become a mother in a way that the 21-year-old might not be able to because he's just not emotionally mature enough he doesn't have the lifestyle he doesn't have the wealth be extremely difficult for him to

do that and so what Su what happen happens as men become more successful and women start to respond to them differently without them really changing much about themselves they start to realize what really moves the needle

with women and it's not romance it's not loving her more than the other men in her life it's being able and willing to give

her more than the other men in her life and so men begin to dispense because successful men are often very rational and very effective they start

to dispense with the behaviors that don't instrumentally move the needle with women and so they stop the romance they

stop the courtship and they maybe even become a little corrupted in the sense of they feel entitled that I have these

things this is what you respond to so we can move forward in that way in the same way that women can become corrupted sometimes when they realize how much men respond to their physical Beauty and

some women believe that because of the way that they look that they're entitled to certain things it's it's kind of the same thing in just different gendered expressions and of course it goes along those lines because men are

fundamentally trying to exchange resources for sexual opportunity and women are attempting to exchange sexual opportunity for resources it's not the other way around so that's why we see

that successful men become [ __ ] which is a woman's term for a man not really caring about the emotional dimension of the relationship and he learns that as a successful man because when he was

attending to that but he was unsuccessful it didn't work and as he became more successful and he didn't attend to it he had more success and Effectiveness with women so women taught

him what to value with respect to his dealings with them does that make sense makes perfect sense do what do you say to people who say you're your views are so unromantic well they are they are

unromantic like I I understand what romance is it's not necessarily a bad thing but romance doesn't make H people

happy and it certainly doesn't I mean life is not a romantic comedy that's not this the sweet lovable guy doesn't always end up with the girl at the end

of the movie right I mean even think about the way that that's those narratives are played out it's

never the success romantic CEO versus the poor practical small town guy because that

guy would never [ __ ] win he doesn't have either things so the the reason why romance kind of exists is it gives the

small town poor unsuccessful guy some chance of potentially leveling the playing field against this successful accomplished man who actually can

provide value to women and make their lives better than they might otherwise be so romance is generally for unsuccessful men it's a way for them to

potentially offer something that the successful men either can't but most likely won't because they feel like they don't need to because they've been taught that they don't by

women fascinating yeah yeah I mean the if you want to get to the truth of why things are the way are we we can't really be romantic imagine if like

Romanticism used to be a was initially like a genre of it was a literary movement and can you imagine if our if our scientists of the 19th century were

Romantics and weren't willing to like cut open corpses and run experiments and separate the atom it's like it would be very difficult to understand the truth

about the natural world now is this the be all end allll this kind of empirical scientific understanding

no no it has its limitations as well but Romanticism is sort of like a fuzziness it's sort of like a mood and moods

are uh moods are subjective they're subject to change and they don't often reveal actionable knowledge that we can

use to make better decisions moving forward that's what I got to that what about the women that are nuts attractive women are nuts oh

yeah beautiful women are nuts so many of them are um this one's actually pretty simple the reason why beautiful women are nuts is that no one tells them the

truth no one tells them the truth especially if they're precociously beautiful like I don't know have you have any of the women of the 8,000 interviews that you've done talked about

this have they talked about going through puberty puberty when they were still adolescence and and like dealing with the new kind of attention that they were getting from

men yeah it comes up once in a while it's like we don't want to talk about it because it's like anything that happens before you're 18 it's like oh we

don't but you see that behavior well you see that absolutely and and women young women don't know how to handle it when why would they or should they right but

it's like suddenly because their body has changed the boys in their classroom are treating them differently and looking at them differently and not just the boys in their classroom but the boys

fathers and the boys grandfathers it's like men apparently never really stop Desiring young attractive women

so these women now have to deal with a great deal of interest and attention from which is a kind of power and it's a power that they've done

nothing to earn they just sort of of like lived a little bit longer and their body did what the body did right so this

is can be very dangerous because I mean think about it why did I why did I go through the trouble of like becoming a psychologist or why did

I before that get really good at test prep and teach people about the GRE and learn how to do that and before that how did I why did I become an actor It's like because people weren't just giving

me money people weren't just giving me sex people weren't just giving me entertainment and flights and dinners

like and those things sound nice don't they right they're not necessary but they sure make life a little bit more pleasant so I had to earn them which is what most guys have to do and we have to

earn them generally indirectly by becoming very good at something which takes a long time and compete successfully with other men often in the arena of life and then maybe with some

other things factored in we can potentially get some of those good things but we pay for them now if I hit if I ever since I was

16 people were offering to buy me food or to uh pay for my tuition or to take me out every night of the week or to

give me relationships and love and would I have worked as hard as I have in my life [ __ ] no AB like I know

that enough about myself it's like that's just too seductive it's like the one ring of power man it's like very few people could actually resist that

because the reason why we struggle is generally to get those things not because we are so virtuous that we believe that struggle is inherently valuable like some of us eventually get there but we

are vanishingly few and we generally get there through um pathway that I'm describing now um so a lot of attractive

women they realize that the source of their um I mean and this has been happening as long as you've been kind of like a conscious

adult why wouldn't you become entitled why wouldn't you expect it if it's happened 10,000 times in the past over the last 10 years it's like I expect the

Sun is going to rise in the morning even though there's no [ __ ] guarantee that it will it's like it's just happened billions of times I think it's the safe bet you see

so that can create problems first of all like I don't even know if a totalitarian Monarch doesn't get told no from time to

time maybe the ministers have to be kind of gentle about how they oppose him or reject him but like

there are few people that have lived in the history of the world that get more of what they want less than what they don't than a beautiful

woman and it's hard to be told no it's hard to be rejected it sucks to not get what you want it does now most of us though we we learn to deal with that

because we kind of accept that that's just the way the world works like Mick said you can't always get what you want

most of us can't often get what we want right so if but it does take time to learn how to tolerate rejection to deal with the sting of disappointment

and lack it toughens you up it might make you a better person potentially can anyway but it takes a while uh and it takes a while whether that starts when

you're two or whether that starts when you're 30 the issue is when it like anybody who is told no for the first time they

generally have a meltdown in a tantrum and Tantrums don't really look good on anybody but they look much better than a toddler than an adult okay so one thing

that can be very difficult is you're dealing with with a beautiful woman you're dealing with like a a toddler emotionally

at least in the respect of this person has never truly not been able to get what she wanted and the likelihood that some kind

of outburst is going to occur is quite high and we often see that kind of disregulation behaviorally as kind of nuttiness right so that's one way but

let's talk about how no one tells these women the truth because men very early on it doesn't take long for them to figure this out but they realize the truth does not get them

laid the truth does not get them laid like almost every guy does this at some point in his life especially because he thinks it's going to differentiate himself from all the other guys out there I'm not like the other guys you

know I'm gonna I'm just going to tell you how it is if women can do this experiment it'd be very easy they can do it for free they can make like a fake profile on a

dating app with some pictures of a guy even like attractive men and just change what looking forward to Casual relationships and see how many matches

they get and what kind of responses they get versus if they say that they're looking for a long-term relationship I think that probably 90% more than 90% of men on dating apps

are looking for long-term relationships which is fascinating do I think that 90% of the male population at any one time is looking for a long-term relationship

[ __ ] no but they learn that if they say that they're just looking to have casual consensual relationship with another woman who's attracted to them they don't get any

responses and women train them that way like if the truth got men laid the world would look so much better than it currently does like can you imagine like

women actually do have the power to remake the world indirectly by choosing which men to reward with sex and

relationships and under what circumstances and let me tell you if if a woman one got better at sessing out the truth from lies which they're not

very good at because most people aren't very good at that um and just did not have sex with men who lied to them man we'd have a much more honest

population like very quickly but one women have a hard time differentiating the truth from

lies um and two they often care about other things more they do it's

like where would women hang out if they truly valued honesty above all things like I don't know Charities where where do honest men hang out there's not that

many where do they congregate where do they congregate that's a good question m maybe like philosophical clubs or churches I I mean there's plenty of dishonest people in both of those but

like probably better than dive bars or nightclubs right I I blame the dads well that's what I talk about in the end of that episode is that the there are exceptions not all beautiful

women are nuts but those women tend to have very strong male figures in their life fathers and brothers who were able

to tell the woman the truth and bear her ha hatred bear her insults and her criticism and her emotional outbursts

because it was the kind of like the right thing to do not just from the perspective of some vague virtue but for her it's the best thing to do because now she can become

like a a full emotional adult those are rare it's rare for men and women it's true it's like chronological age has absolutely nothing to do with emotional psychological age

and most of the people who are walking around despite what their driver's isense says are probably between 8 and 12 years old but if you accept that that might be true the rest of society starts to make

a lot of sense you certainly can't begin with the assumption that people are just virtuous and mature why would the world look the way that it

does if you go the other way around a lot of things make sense now I do think that there's reason to be hopeful I do think that the state of

humanity is probably trending in a positive direction you think so I do I do uh it did seem like there was a lot of barbarism back in the day man yeah I

guess you're right it's not like that stuff doesn't happen at all in today's day and age but I do think it's on the decline I think that fewer people live in poverty today than they have at any point in human history there's more

literate people I think the quality of life for the average person has increased significantly I think there's less violence overall clearly we have things to work

on but I think there are also reasons to be hopeful but you have to understand that these things they take a long time to change the degree of understanding in

humanity is still very low still very low and if you go too high you lose people or they get scared and then they

they attack you so you kind of have to like just be a little bit further along and increase a person's understanding by like another degree another step and

there could be a lot of steps to get to where we ultimately want to go together so there's no hurry it's not going to happen while you and I are

alive one of your other talks that I thought was great was how to pass through suffering oh yeah that was a useful one I think

mhm because life is suffering a lot of it is it doesn't have to be I just wrote a script today so this is kind of top of mind about suffering

suffering is different from pain in my opinion suffering is pain plus judgment and the judgment is generally that this pain is unbearable

or unendurable or unjust or unfair okay I think pain is everywhere around us

except maybe for this one very thin very narrow fluctuating path that kind of like is hedged on all sides by pain we can call that the path

of light and I think those are the two ways that all human beings can learn you can either learn through pain or you can learn through light and 99% of people learn 99% of their lessons through pain pain

is a one wonderful teacher because pain never lies it doesn't care about your feelings it will tell you the

honest brutal truth in a way that your loved ones won't your therapist won't your priests won't pain always gives you direct

honest feedback about how your behavior aligns with reality we experience pain when our mental models

cause us to act inite of reality so to give a very commonplace example if I believe that that uh that outlet over there should

have no power in it and so I would be free to stick a metal piece in there and suffer no consequences I would experience pain as a consequence of that decision because my model was wrong I thought that there

was no power doing that or I didn't understand that metal conducts electricity or what have you but like my ignorance motivated me to feel pain because I

acted in a way that was like in spite of the way things are that's a very I think obvious and physical example but we can see that even with emotional and psychological pain as well is that at

the root of it is that there's some sort of belief that reality should be other than how it is and they're clinging to this idea and in some cases continuing to make decisions in line with this

incorrect model that bring them in constant contact with pain but pain there's kind of like a guardianship to pain because it's on either side of the

path of light it's like the rumble strips on the edge of a road that let you know that you're starting to drift off course like the more sensitive and

responsive we become the less pain we really need to feel to kind of wake up and course correct back on the path of Light which is not a

static um unchanging route like it's very difficult to constantly unwaveringly follow that path it's very hard to see

which is why we get that feedback from the path of pain pain is good it's the it's the gift that nobody wants and a life without pain would be

very difficult to endure because we would be so far off that path our lives and collectively Humanity would devolve to such a degree that I don't think any of us would want to be

on this planet like pain ideally helps us get on that straight and narrow path where we suffer less because what I found is that the more pain there is the

less light there is but the more light there is the more pain there is and in some cases light is transmuted pain the great benefit to light which we

can say collectively is knowledge wisdom or Revelation is that it can be communicated to other people pain cannot be communicated to

the people not really like if you've never broken your leg how can I really tell you how that feels if you've

never lost a child how can you really understand what it what that grief feels like the only way you could possibly approximate it is if you've broken your leg or you've lost a child and it still

wouldn't be exactly the same thing but at least we're kind of in the ballpark right so pain is a very personal and subjective experience and it can't really be communicated or transmitted

which if that were the only option would suck because that means that every person has to like start over and learn all the lessons from scratch and we wouldn't get

anywhere light can be transmitted light can be communicated which is fantastic and that's like the best resource that we have collectively to fight back against the

darkness and to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering on this planet and the light that I can transmit is my own transmuted pain it's me potentially

saying with my words I've learned this hard lesson from the teacher pain and I'm going to try to teach it to you so that you don't have to learn the same lesson that I

did now that said I do think that everyone's has the right to make their own mistakes I do think that there might be something let's say cowardly and

meek about somebody who just takes good advice and on face value and never runs the risk himself or herself I do think that we're allowed to make our own

mistakes which is why I never prevent people from doing something that I believe has a high likelihood of causing them pain I'll I'll counsel them against it but I won't stop I won't stop them

because just like myself they might have to feel that pain they might have to feel it enough and they might have to feel it

enough times to finally learn their [ __ ] lesson and once they learn their lesson they course correct they change their behavior so they're a little off the path of pain and a little bit more

on the path of light and they suffer less and the more light there is the more light there will be because people who begin to suffer less have no interest in going back not really and they start to become it's like a

virtuous cycle and they're like chasing after the light they follow the light and that's the best way that I think we have as individuals and collectively to get out of the misery that might

otherwise be human existence so thank God for that uh yeah thank God for that for sure yeah your talks just get more and more

fascinating as they go on oh thanks your Channel's incredible I actually didn't uh answer your question about the suffering though so there's the episode you're referring to okay is called a horse in the rain yes so it's a it's a

attempt to teach people what to do when they are in the midst of suffering and this was a question that I was asked in one of my courses back when I was a

professor and the question was functionally Dr terban you've talked so much about unnecessary suffering and how to undo it but what about the calling

some suffering unnecessary assumes that some suffering is necessary which I kind of believe is true certainly from like a Buddhist perspective we can't escape old age sickness and death let's put it that

way unless we die young I guess um so there's some necessary suffering that human beings are subject to passing through how do you deal with that and what came to me was this image of a

horse in the rain you ever seen a horse in the rain Mark you just stand there that's right it's just standing there getting wet it's not trying to dance

around the raindrops in some sort of manic futile desire to not get drenched it's not like beating its Hooves and lamenting the Injustice that it's

raining here and not over there on those horses it's not enviously plotting against the horses in the stable it's not like laying down and just surrendering oh my God this is so

miserable I'll never be dry again like those are all human forms of suffering animals don't experience that which is part of why I think we Envy

animals in some in some respect so a lot of the it might be necessary to be wet it might be necessary to be in the rain but all these other judgments and stories that

we're subject to telling ourselves about our circumstances are totally unnecessary and make the suffering so much more painful than it otherwise needs to be it's really not that painful

to be wet and to be cold for a while it's okay those those are conditions that will change and then you might end up being so dry and hot that you'll miss being

cold and wet at some point you know that's kind of The Human Condition so the issue is to not make your situation worse than it already

is a compliment to this is the advice I've given about what if you find yourself in the jaws of life that's what I call it sometimes people just end up sometimes through their own fault

sometimes not but they find themselves in a really dangerous and precarious situation the jaws of life it's

like you're the bunny and life is the wolf and it's got you in its mouth right I don't know if you've ever seen that in a nature documentary but what the bunny

does under those circumstances is not fight against what's happening it doesn't resist what is happening why because the teeth are

right there if the bunny was to start to struggle those teeth would just dig deeper and deeper into its flesh and it would be next to Impossible at that point to escape so what the bunny does

he goes limp it almost plays dead it doesn't expend unnecessary energy struggling against something that it can't escape from and

it potentially waits for its moment which often happens where in some momentary lapse of concentration or

attention or a feeling like the dinner is a sure thing the wolf relaxes his mouth a little bit and the bunny [ __ ] dashes out as fast as it can so that's

the goal is like when you're really dealing with something difficult don't make it worse than it already is and wait for your moment if you're lucky you might get one and then you take it as

best you can on that note we'll uh we'll wind it up already wow this was so fast that was an hour already that was an hour good lord well this has been great Mark

thanks for all your talks are fantastic I think your your mind is just so f fting oh thank you sir all right till next time byebye thanks