why you can’t get over someone who was never really yours

Have you ever had a crush on someone who you never got over? Do you still think about the times that you shared, the texts that you exchanged, maybe when your hands brushed?

Well, today we're going to talk about why it's so hard to get over someone who is never truly yours. Because I get it.

I've been there. and I'm going to talk about five reasons that science has told me and uh also explain how I've interpreted this through my own experience. Well, I asked Claude for

experience. Well, I asked Claude for answers because I'm no science expert, but I have been through a lot of crushes that never went anywhere. I liked 11

guys who didn't like me back for my first boyfriend. And I was single for

first boyfriend. And I was single for the first 24 years of my life. So, I

have been there. Trust me. You can go watch some of my other videos if you don't believe me, but I get it, girl or boy.

And Claude has told me that there's five reasons about why you can't get over someone who is never truly yours. Reason

number one is intermittent reinforcement. Basically, my

reinforcement. Basically, my interpretation of this in normal people language is that you, the person's affection to you is an unpredictable reward. Sometimes they text you.

reward. Sometimes they text you.

Sometimes they ignore you. Sometimes

they say a nice compliment to you and then the next second they're talking to another girl. But when the reward is

another girl. But when the reward is unpredictable, your brain gets really fixated on it because it comes once in a while and then goes away and then comes once in a while and then it goes away.

And so you keep waiting for this dopamine. It's similar to how in

dopamine. It's similar to how in gambling people get really addicted to slot machines for the one opportunity where they might win a bunch of money even though they're losing a bunch of

money in the meantime. And so maybe you had one really fun moment in class where you guys were laughing together or maybe he gave you a hug once or maybe he he texted you first one time. Um and that

keeps you going until the next moment.

And I was an expert in this. I like the same guy for all four years of high school because we were good friends in starting in the first year. I liked him,

but he dated other girls. Actually, one

time he even we even held hands one time at like this school event, but then he got back together with his ex-girlfriend the next day. And so we stayed friends, but I kept holding on to those little

moments. I thought so much about that

moments. I thought so much about that time where we held hands. I would hold on to any time where he texted me first.

Anytime we sat next to each other in class and our elbows brushed, I felt like he was sending me interest, but it was not interest he was sending me. If a

guy liked you, he would be more obvious about it than just sending you one signal out of like one a week of things that he's interested and then sending you many more that he's not interested,

right? because for the one time he

right? because for the one time he texted me first, he would not reply to my text to him for 2 days, 3 days. But

that doesn't matter. I'm going to only hold on to the one time he did respond or the one time he did initiate, even if he was just asking me to send him the homework answers, you know, something

like that. Moving on to reason number

like that. Moving on to reason number two. The internet says the z the zarnic

two. The internet says the z the zarnic effect is in play. So there is a psychologist named Blumma Zarnick who found that people remember unfinished

tasks far better than completed ones.

Your brain basically keeps an open file on anything unresolved and it keeps wanting to resolve it because your crush never actually talked to you about

rejecting you or talking about, hey, I think it's best we move on. You are

always going to think of your crush as an unfinished task. There's always a maybe it'll turn into something, maybe it'll resolve, but because you don't

actually have any resolution, your brain will think about it so much. And again,

I relate to this so much because I was always waiting for the moment that he would maybe be interested in me, right?

My brain would always be thinking about him. When he would date other girls, I

him. When he would date other girls, I would wait for when he would be single again. And I would constantly think

again. And I would constantly think maybe it'll be my time, but it never was.

Reason number three is something sort of commonly talked about nowadays, but I think it's really important. It's that

you idealize this person. You fell for the idea of your crush, not the actual crush. Because before you date someone,

crush. Because before you date someone, you only see small sides of them. When

you have a crush on them, all you have are the few moments you've shared, the moments that seem really attractive to you. Once you start dating them, you

you. Once you start dating them, you begin to see their bad sides. You get to see them as a full person. They see your bad sides. It's a real relationship that

bad sides. It's a real relationship that takes hard work. But before it gets to that point, you never see any bad side of them. So, if your crush always stays

of them. So, if your crush always stays a crush, you will always see an idealized version of them. You will

always want, you will always think that dating them will be the most perfect thing. And

thing. And I was there completely. The guy I liked, he was by no means the perfect guy. He

was partying a lot. He like was skipping class a lot. He was smoking a lot. Like

there were all these reasons that I shouldn't date him. Again, no judgment if you do those things, but it was more so that the lifestyle he was leading was like taking his life down a different

path. And I didn't care about all of

path. And I didn't care about all of that because I just had this really idealized version of him of all the great things I saw in him. He was really cute. He was really nice to me. He was

cute. He was really nice to me. He was

really nice to his friends. But if we started dating, that would have become a big problem. I would have been like, I

big problem. I would have been like, I want to spend time going on dates. Why

are you going out with your friends all the time? Or why are you getting drunk

the time? Or why are you getting drunk every night? you know, uh, but I didn't

every night? you know, uh, but I didn't experience that, so I just always had this idealized version of him in my head.

Now, reason number four is really fun.

Basically, this follows attachment theory, and it says that the reason you can't get over him is because you are attached to him or her without any resolution. According to attachment

resolution. According to attachment theory, humans bond through proximity, attachment, and vulnerability. They

don't grow attachment just because someone has a boyfriend boyfriend label.

So even if you had shared even if you didn't become boyfriend girlfriend, you definitely shared emotional moments. You

shared friendship and laughter and anything else that made you have a crush on them and basically you got attached to them. But because you never actually

to them. But because you never actually put a label on it, you never actually got rejected. You never actually resol

got rejected. You never actually resol resolved the relationship. You have this attachment without any resolution, right? You have this bond to them that

right? You have this bond to them that never gets broken. And you do need for the bond to get broken for you to move on. Again, felt this completely. I had a

on. Again, felt this completely. I had a really soft spot for this guy. Even

years later after I went to college, everything I still felt like I had some attachment to him um that never got resolved. And it wasn't until I fully

resolved. And it wasn't until I fully moved on and took a lot more time in my life and um that I actually forgot about this guy. But it took a long time.

this guy. But it took a long time.

Now, the last reason the internet says, and there's probably more, but this is number five, it is the pain of ambiguity.

So according to some psychology studies uh so according to some psychology studies on rejection ambiguous rejection which is basically being ignored or

ghosted rather than being told hey I'm not interested in you activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain.

This is why ghosting is terrible. You

should never ghost someone. Uh, but the same applies to a crush that was never resolved because you guys never had a real conversation about, "Hey, I don't

like you. Let's move on." Um, and

like you. Let's move on." Um, and honestly, I feel like we should normalize this more. I think basically a lot of the reason that I never got over

my crush is because I never talked to him directly about getting over my feelings. I never was like, "Hey, still

feelings. I never was like, "Hey, still like you. I know this isn't going

like you. I know this isn't going anywhere.

like I need some space. I need some distance from our friendship. I stayed

friends with this guy all four years of high school. And I just continued to

high school. And I just continued to pine after him every time he got a girlfriend. I still was waiting for him.

girlfriend. I still was waiting for him.

Anytime he was single, I kept waiting for him all the way until the last day of high school. I still like this guy.

And it was because there was some ambiguity that was always left there for me. I kept waiting for that opportunity.

me. I kept waiting for that opportunity.

And because he was choosing to date other girls, he wasn't pursuing anything with me. It really did feel like

with me. It really did feel like ambiguous rejection. I felt like he

ambiguous rejection. I felt like he wasn't interested in me, but I didn't have exact clarity. And it did have as much pain as physical pain to me. I can

tell you that it was really hard. I

would cry myself to sleep a lot. I would

be listening to sound music and journaling and it was a really hard time. This is all to say you are not

time. This is all to say you are not weak if you're still stuck on someone who was never yours because it it happens to everyone. It's natural. It's

your brain being your brain. One thing

I'll say is if you want to train your brain to not get stuck on this. One

thing I really recommend doing is to not let the crush stay ambiguous. I know

it's scary to talk to your crush if you're not sure if they'll say yes. They

might say no. And in the situation you might feel like they will say no. But it

is really better to have an answer and move on. And I have another video about

move on. And I have another video about this. It's called how to ask your crush

this. It's called how to ask your crush out if you want to watch the howto. But

really all I will say is, you know, you just have to bring it up with them. You

can say, "Hey, I like you. I just want to know how you're feeling so I'm not wasting my time and I can get some space if I need to move on from you." Um,

something along the lines of that. I

know it's scary, but I think it will save you a lot of heartbreak down the road. But watch my full video to get the

road. But watch my full video to get the ins and outs of it if you're not sure.

And good luck. I hope you can get over them eventually.