Zoltan Kaszas: London Fog (FULL COMEDY SPECIAL)

[Music] [Applause] Yeah, [Applause] >> you nailed it. All right.

That's exactly what we were looking for.

Just the loudest noise. Wow. This is a me and you operation going on over here.

It's so good to be here. Yeah.

I'm back on the uh I'm back on the West Coast.

I flew up from San Diego. That's where I grew up.

Uh yeah. Yeah, that's where I grew up.

We left for a short time.

We flew uh we moved to New York City.

We lasted all of a year and a half and we moved back.

And uh that's how that works.

Um for the record, I love New York City.

I thought it was a blast.

My wife hated it. And that's how marriage works right there.

That's like we both get a vote, but they're like electoral votes.

You know what I mean?

She's California. I'm Delaware.

It's my votes are more ceremonial than anything else.

I had a say, you know.

But I enjoyed the East Coast.

It was fun. I got to learn about like seasonal depression.

That was awesome.

You guys know about that.

Hey, I grew up in San Diego.

It's something I heard about but never experienced.

We would hear about it and we'd laugh, you know, be like, "What?

They get sad cuz the sun goes away?

" Yeah. Yeah.

That's exactly how that goes down.

I felt so dumb that I never pieced it together that all our joy comes from the sun.

Like I grew up in the sunshine and I never pieced it together that sometimes I'd be in the house sad and then I'd come outside and the sun was like, "How you doing, buddy?

What are you sad in there worried about life?

Let me sizzle all those worries away.

" Sizzle sizzle. You know, that's what the sun does, not the clouds.

You go outside, the clouds are like everything you're worried about is true.

get back in there and worry some more, you know.

But the sun, that's good stuff, you know. Like, if you ever see someone with a lot of freckles and moles, that's that's fine, you know.

That's just they're just fullon joy.

That's all that is. Don't get me wrong, still get that checked out. But for the most part, I think it just means you're a happy person, you know? So, we moved back to San Diego. I'm enjoying it.

Life's going pretty well. Uh, I'm no longer poor.

Uh, it's just I'm no longer poor, which is weird cuz I'm not I don't have enough money to get my mom out of the trailer park.

Uh, but I do have enough that now when I visit I'm in a fancy car, which is a weird spot to be in where you're like, you know, like I feel it.

It's a fancy It's a fancy car.

My last car was a Honda Fit and this is a huge upgrade.

Uh, this one has heated seats, which I've never had before.

If you've never had them, they're pretty much laxatives.

That's what they are.

I had no idea that's all I needed in my life.

I don't need a coffee. Just put a heating pad on my kidneys.

That's all. I wonder if my neighbors notice that I pull out of the driveway, then I do a quick U-turn, come back in, cars parked sideways, I'm hauling ass back into the house.

That's all I need. Just a heating pad on the kidneys, you know. But yeah, I don't like I don't know. I don't like who I'm becoming.

It's weird. We got a fancy car now.

I wear barefoot shoes now.

I don't know if you guys know what that is.

They're like shoes with very minimal souls.

You're like barefoot supposed to be good for your foot health and your back health.

And it's minimal material, even though it costs three times as much as regular shoes. Uh because it's a scam.

That's what it is.

And I remember we're in our new fancy car and I'm wearing these barefoot shoes and we were on our way to pick up a juice cleanse.

And I just remember looking at my wife going, I think I hate myself.

This was never on the vision board.

Like, who the hell is this guy?

And then we showed up to pick up the juice cleanse and it wasn't ready.

They said in the email, "Come by anytime after 2:00 and it was 2:30." And they're like, "I'm sorry, the juice cleanse isn't ready yet.

" And I'm like, "What?" In the email it said anytime after 2:00 and it's 2:30.

And my wife and I were going back and forth. Can you believe that?

Why wouldn't they just email us again?

We're over here wasting our time.

She's like, "You're right. I'm going to go complain.

" And she went to go leave.

I looked at my feet and then I saw the car in the parking lot and I'm like, "No, no, honey.

Don't go.

We're the problem here.

" I think it's like Batman said, "You either die the hero or you live long enough to wear barefoot shoes and get a juice cleanse." I don't know.

I don't like it. It does feel weird to have more money cuz I don't want money to change me. But deep down inside, I'm pretty sure it will.

I don't even have any real money yet.

But I did just get into the Delta Sky Lounge and I already feel it. I feel the evil.

It's already I've only been in there a few months and I'm already like there's too many people in this lounge.

What is that about leveling up in life where you just naturally want to close the door behind you and like, "Oh, and I'm the last one. What's up everybody?

" Bunch of riff raff out there.

You know what I'm talking about? Not us, though.

We're cool. We're wearing our Vori pants to the airport.

Not those people, you know?

I don't know, man. I don't want money to change me.

Like, I always want to make sure I cross my legs the same way, you know?

I think you can tell a lot by like a lot about a dude's finances by how he crosses his legs, you know? Like I cross my legs traditional right here, nice and square.

This is a good dude.

You can have a beer with this guy. This is a regular guy.

But I've noticed the more money a dude makes, this knee will start sliding this way.

Each each paycheck that gets bigger, it just starts sliding over here.

And you can actually watch him turn an evil.

and he'll start saying new words like my portfolio.

I have to call my fudiciary.

Like if you ever see a dude with knee over knee with hand on top of knee, check his private island immediately.

That dude's a villain. All right.

I don't know. Like I feel the change happening, you know? Like I fly all the time.

Uh so I get upgraded to first class a ton and but I've never bought a first class ticket. Uh cuz I that's dumb and I I don't think I can still afford it.

Uh but if you fly a lot, they bump you up to the front. And they bump me up to the front so much that if I don't get bumped up to the front, I feel like I'm getting screwed, you know?

Like I'm like, I belong in the front.

And they're like, "No, actually you belong in 36F.

That is where you belong. That is what you purchased.

That is where you belong.

" But I'm like, "No, you gave me a taste of the front. I belong in the front.

" And so now when I get bumped up to first class, I try to like I'm like, "Hey, soak it in. Don't get used to this.

This is supposed to be fun.

" So I'm up there. I have all the drinks.

I'm hammered up there. Uh I eat a bucket of snacks.

They come by with a bucket of snacks.

You can have as many snacks as you want.

They're exotic snacks.

Can't even find these at Trader Joe's.

Nothing. And you can have as many as you want.

So I'm just over there just plowing snacks.

Then I take a photo of the rapper and I text my wife and I go, "Find that on Amazon.

That's a good one right there.

And I eat all the snacks, you know.

But one time I was in first class and there's a dude across the aisle.

He turned down the snacks. And I'm like, that guy's evil.

That guy's let money change him, you know.

Cuz that's the same level of discipline.

If you can turn down free candy, you can also one day close a community center.

It's right there. That's the same level of discipline.

If you can say no to free candy, you can look a senior citizen right in the eyes and go, "You don't play bingo here anymore, sweetheart.

This is a high-rise condo now.

" Yeah, money is like heroin. You got to have the right amount.

There's like a sweet spot to it.

Too little, you're homeless. and itchy too much, you're dead. But right in the middle, no one can even tell you got a problem, you know.

Thank you for laughing at that.

That joke does not work everywhere.

That joke does not work everywhere.

Florida.

Um, I've done that joke so many times in Florida and I'm like, am I saying it wrong?

They think I'm saying it wrong.

I don't know. I'm trying to focus on me.

I always try to better myself. Like I try to exercise quite a bit. Uh and I'm not even trying to lose more weight.

I'm just trying to hold on to whatever I got for as long as I can. That's where I'm at, you know, cuz I used to be heavier.

I used to weigh 50 lbs more than I do now.

And I lost the weight, but I didn't do it through like diet and exercise.

I was just sad for a while. Uh which I like.

Some people are like, "Oh, but I lost some weight." Like it was good.

Like I was sad, but then the weight was coming off.

I'm like, "This ain't so bad.

" And then I had a goal weight in mind to get down to and it was trickling down, trickling down.

And towards the end I stopped being sad and I'm like, "Come on, man.

Just hold on.

Five more pounds." You know, I'd put on sad movies.

I'm like, "Marley, no.

" Like just anything like my goal weight to get down to when I was at my heaviest, my goal weight to hit was 170 lbs. The only reason I was even my goal weight is that's a weight class in the UFC. All right. And I see those guys on a scale without a shirt going, "This is what 170 lbs looks like.

" And I was like, "Hell yeah, I want to look like that guy right there.

" And I never made it to 170. I got down to 175.

That's as close as I got.

And I remember I was looking at my body and looking at theirs and I'm like, "Man, these last five lbs must be crucial.

" buying this.

This is these are the most important five lbs in the history of five lbs.

But once I lose these last 5 lbs, it's just going to be like pop pop pop.

You know, it's like the last 5 seconds of microwave popcorn.

You know, you can't you can't pull it out too early.

You got to let all those kernels pop.

And I'm not trying to say I'm in bad shape.

I'm not in bad shape at all.

If I go to the beach, I'll take my shirt off, but I'm not sitting down.

You know, that's my fitness level. I'll take my shirt off.

We're standing up for the entire afternoon.

Standing up, this looks all right. I sit down, it starts looking like a layered truffle cake, but standing up, this is all right.

Like, if I want to get a beer out of the cooler, I wait till everyone else is having other conversations and I slip by and I quick side oblique crunch. I'm not going to fold over myself, show everyone how the sausage is made. We're not doing that.

So, I'm trying I'm trying to stay in shape, but it gets harder.

It gets harder. I recently started getting injured exercising.

Uh exercises that aren't even new. The regular normal the ones I do all the time, and my body's like "Whoa why don't you calm down?

" Like the day after I turned 37, I went for my normal neighborhood run and I got a hot pain right in my hip. I don't even know what I did. I just a hot pain right in the jiggly part. The love handle right there.

That New York strip piece, whatever that is. Just a hot pain.

I don't even know what I did. I think I just like ran with too much sass that day.

You ever feel yourself on a run?

You took an extra fish oil pill in the morning.

You're like, "Oh yeah, my joints are lubed up today, buddy." I had Shakira on the earbuds. I was feeling it, but my hips told a lie that day and hot pain right in the hip. And I was like, "Ooh.

" And I had to like limp back home and I was like, "Ah, that'll probably feel better tomorrow." And no, 3 months.

It took 3 months to get rid of that weird hip pain. So, I couldn't run for 3 months. So, to get my cardio in, I went to the uh I went to the YMCA and I did the elliptical at the YMCA.

And I actually ended up hurting my right calf on the elliptical. This machine was invented for no one to ever be injured no matter what happened. And I found a way.

I think I was like doing it weird cuz of the hip. I was like compensating for it.

And one day there was a loud pop in my calf. It just went pop. And I ah I don't know if you've ever gotten hurt on an elliptical before, but you can't get off right away.

That thing's like that thing's like a carnival ride.

There's like two more revolutions.

So I remember it popped and I went, "Ah." And then everyone looked at me and I had two more of these before I could bail off the back.

And that took another 3 months to heal.

But it actually kind of evened out my limp, you know, cuz at first it was the hip just like this. But then I had the hip and the calf. So I was just like like if my whole life was going through saloon doors, I would have been sad.

But that's just not the life I lead, you know?

I don't know. So then I lost both legs and I the only thing I could do for cardio was the rowing machine.

That's all I had left. This was a machine at the gym that I've never stepped foot on and I've never even seen anyone use it.

And once I got on it, I realized why.

It's cuz you look like a psycho.

Everyone else looks like they're doing regular exercises.

It looked like I was down there plotting something.

Just down there.

Yeah.

Yeah. We'll push the boat out at midnight.

her body will be in her duffel bag.

Like you look like keep an eye on that guy.

I don't like that guy.

There are parts of my body I'm happy are falling apart.

That might seem weird to say, but like I'm like I finally finally started getting less erections, which I'm really happy about. Like this thing has been the bane of my existence since I was 12 years old. All right.

Since I was 12, this thing just shows up uninvited, unannounced.

just ah how about now?

And I'm like not now. Trying to get my bag out of the overhead. Why don't you calm down?

I don't know what that is.

The entire flight, nothing. And then as soon as the wheels touch down, ah, guess who's not making their connection, you know?

And don't get me wrong, it still works when it's supposed to.

when something's going on for him to participate in, he shows up, you know, but he's like a polite neighbor now, you know.

He's he sends a text before he comes over.

Are we still watching the game? Get in here, buddy.

But he's not showing up unannounced anymore.

He's not like, "Oh, I saw your light was on. Let's party.

" Like there's there's less of that. And that's the relationship I've wanted with him this entire time.

Um, glad we got there.

So yeah, I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to work on my health and uh trying to work on the mental stuff, too.

Like I I I deal with anxiety. I know a lot of people do. Uh but I know a lot about it now. Like I've gone to a lot of therapy and I've learned everything there is to know about anxiety.

And it's never been worse.

There's a huge lie in the mental health space that says once you learn you have anxiety, you can work towards getting better.

Maybe for some of you, that's not going on for me at all. I know all aspects of my anxiety. I now know all my triggers.

So now I have anxiety before I have anxiety.

Instead of just being anxious in the grocery store, I'm now anxious in the parking lot cuz I know I'm about to be anxious in the grocery store.

I'm just in the parking lot taking a shot of pre-anxiety going, "Here we go.

" Might make eye contact with the dude over the melons.

Don't make it weird.

And guess what? I made it weird.

He's just a regular dude holding two melons trying to pick one. And we made eye contact for a second and for some reason I was like and he was like what? And I'm like whoa.

And we didn't get groceries that day.

All right.

That was an Instacart day.

I think that should be the commercial for Instacart, by the way. It's just two dudes making eye contact in the produce section and Instacart.

We can pick the wrong avocados for you, you know.

But yeah, that's who I've always been.

I've always been like this anxious person.

Like when I'm in line at a coffee shop or something, I have to have my order ready before I make it up to the barista.

Some people aren't like that.

Some people can just like be in the moment like they just respawned in a video game and just be like croissant and the black coffee, you know?

And if you can do that, awesome. More power to you.

That's not who I am. I have to have my lines ready before I talk to a stranger.

And sometimes I'm not like sometimes there's someone in front of me and I'm still deciding and they get out of line.

Now I'm next. I'll just yell out the first thing I see on the menu.

That's who I am. I London Fog.

That's how I found out London Fog's not even coffee.

All right. It's tea.

Like if you yell out London Fog in a panic, prepare for some dirty hot water cuz you just got yourself some gross tea.

All right. That's who I am, though.

Like when I'm in line at a Starbucks, I'm in my head the whole time just like bacon egg ga sandwich. Sweet cream cold brew.

Bacon egg guda sandwich.

Sweet cream cold brew.

Bacon egg ga sandwich. Sweet cream cold brew.

And then I make it to the front and the barista is like, "What will it be?

" And I'm like, "Um, can I do a bacon egg ga sandwich and a a sweet cream cold brew?

" But then if she's like, "We're out of all of that." I'll be like, "London fog, dude.

" I'll make the same mistake again rather than looking indecisive in public.

Dude, I'll I'll dance with the devil I know than the one I don't.

And that person who I just described, that's been me my entire life.

And I'm cool with that guy. I understand that guy.

We're sympatico. But now the problem is I'm aware of my anxiety.

So now it's like an out-of- body experience.

I now like watch myself be anxious in public and I heckle myself while I'm already uncomfortable.

It makes no sense. Why would I be against myself?

But now I'm just in line like bacon egg sandwich. Sweet cream cold brew.

And it's like, dude, don't nod your head while you say it.

You look like a psycho. What the hell's the matter with you?

Basic cream cold brew. What the hell are you doing with your hand?

Just hold your hand like a normal person.

Bacon a good sandwich. Sweet cream cold brew.

Thank you for laughing at that one, too.

That's There's there's two kinds of jokes in comedy, like two kinds of laughs in comedy.

There's like a laughing with you and a laughing at you. And that one gets a fair amount of both, you know, and I like that some people relate and some people like I can laugh at that.

But I have told that joke twice in front of two rooms, big rooms, where they just looked at me and like sounds like a you problem.

I don't know if you've ever had that where you open your soul to a room full of strangers and had them collectively go.

But it's a kick in the schnuts.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, I've learned too much about anxiety.

I don't know. I've learned too much.

I think it's a problem.

Like I learned that anxiety can be hereditary.

It can be passed down from your parents.

Isn't that crazy? And once I learned that I was like, "Oh my god, my mother my mother's an anxious woman." And I never realized that growing up.

You don't see it growing up.

You're like, "Ah, she's fine. So what?

She doesn't make left-hand turns. Who cares?

A lot of people don't make left-hand turns.

I don't make left-hand turns.

That doesn't mean anything's wrong, you know?

Until I was in a car with someone that did and I was like, "What the hell are you doing, evil conval? Why are you putting our lives on the line?

We're just trying to get to a Wendy's right now.

Why don't you calm the hell down?

" By the way, when I say I don't make left-hand turns, I don't mean at a light without an arrow, like an unprotected left.

I'm talking about I'm cool with those.

I'll do those all the time.

I'm talking about you're coming out of a neighborhood, you have a stop sign, there's two lanes going that way, two lanes going that way, you're trying to get over there and everyone's running 50.

I'm not doing that. All right?

10 times out of 10, I'm not doing that.

I'm not I'll pull up and Google's like, "Make a left." And I'm like, "You make a left, dude.

You figure this out.

" I'm not sitting here for a minute and a half just going Will you turn the radio down?

Our lines are on the line.

Not doing that. We're making a right and taking a Uturn.

We'll get to that Wendy's when we get to that Wendy's.

I believe that's why they're open late.

You know, that's her whole business plan.

But yeah. Yeah, it was startling to find out.

You know, my wife was the first person to ask me about my anxiety.

Like, she was the first person to see it or at least not ignore it.

You know how scary that is?

For 30 years, I thought the terror was in my heart.

And on the outside, I thought I was just the f. That's who I thought.

I was just kicking juke boxes, calling the bathroom my office. Like, that's who I thought I was. My wife was the first person to look me in the eyes and go, "Are you all right?

" I said, "Why would you ask that?

" She's like, "You look uncomfortable.

" I'm like, "I do.

Can everyone else see it?

" And she's like, "Yeah, probably.

" That was like a traumatic day.

I felt like Sally Fields at the end of Mrs. Dowfire.

Remember that scene in the restaurant where she found out Robin Williams was in fact Mrs. Doubtfire?

She's like, "This whole time. This whole time.

" Remember that second gut roll this whole time?

That's how I felt. I'm like, "Oh, oh, dear God.

" So, I've tried different things to help quell the anxiety. Like over the summer, uh, I tried micro do and mushrooms. Uh, that's supposed to help. If you don't know, they say that micro dose and mushrooms supposed to help with anxiety and depression, you know, for people without health insurance. Um, like most of you might go see a psychiatrist.

I ordered a chocolate bar off the internet and I followed the rules on the back.

Like it it showed up on a hot day, too.

It kind of melted, but I think I got it in the freezer in time. And I followed the rules on the back. Just one square a day.

Then I'd wait for the walls to stop breathing.

And then I could go outside and talk to humanity, you know. And but it worked.

I'll be honest with you, it worked.

But I couldn't do it every day cuz I was kind of high.

I just go outside and now conversations are lasting too long, you know?

I'm just like "Yeah right.

" And my wife's like, "Let them go.

Let him go. He's just dropping off a package.

Let the man go. And I'm like, I got to tell him about his aura, you know, like it's I did try a full dose of shrimps, too.

Not on purpose. Uh it was kind of by accident.

Uh I was at my buddy's wedding the day before. We did the rehearsal wedding.

And afterwards, we went to the bar in his neighborhood and my buddy Jason, who was there, he's like, "Hey man, I got some uh some mushroom chocolates.

" And I was like, "Micro do?

" He's like, "Yeah." And I went over there and I took off a square and I ate it and I knew I messed up cuz he watched me eat it and he was like, "Hell yeah." Yeah.

And I was worried when I saw him do that, but it's not often my friends look at me and say, "Hell yeah." So, I wasn't going to ruin the moment, you know?

So, I was just like, "You know me, dude.

I'm a hair trigger. You never know what I'm going to get into." But, I did not know me.

Uh, I found out about me that day.

Yeah, I remember I ate the chocolate.

Then my buddy Jason was like, "Hey, you should order a burger here." Cuz Dne, the groom who lives in this neighborhood said, "This bar was featured on that show, uh, Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, and they have a good burger." So, I ordered that, scarfed it down.

As soon as I finished eating it, I stood up and that's when it kicked in. Like, I felt the waves under my feet, and I'm like, "Oh no.

" And this was not a good bar to have like a psychedelic trip at cuz there's like neon lights on the wall and so they're bouncing off my friend's faces.

So now their faces are different colors and their heads kept growing like they kept getting these giant and they were all talking to me like here. And I'm like man back up dude just back up.

And they're like we're at the appropriate distance.

I don't know. I don't know what your problem is. I'm like you are way too close. I think that's the issue.

And then my buddy Jason just grabbed me.

He's like, "Dude, you're going to be fine.

Just hang in there." And I'm like, "That might be the worst thing you could have done right there.

" And and so I just started to freak out more.

I'm just looking at the ground.

It's waves. And I look up, giant faces.

And finally, the groom, my buddy Dane, comes over and he has a long uh history of narcotics.

So, he came by and he was trying to be my shaman for the evening, you know, and he was like, "Hey buddy, I hear you're having a bad time, but don't fight it, man. Just ride the wave.

ride the wave. And I'm like, I have fallen off the wave.

I am under the water and I'm hitting the rocks and my pants are off.

And he's like, that's just your brain saying that.

And I'm like, definitely.

And he's like, just tell yourself you're having a good time. And so I tried doing that.

I'm like, I'm having a good time.

I'm having a good time. I'm having a good time.

And after like the fifth time, I start it actually started to work.

I started having a decent time.

I was like, you know what? I am having a good time.

You're getting married tomorrow.

I'm so happy for you.

All of our friends are here. This is a blast.

My wife is here. This is good.

I am having a good time. I just had a delicious burger.

That was great.

And he's like, "You had a burger?" And I was like, "Yeah, Jason said that you said that this place was featured on that show, Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.

" And he's like, "What?

Bar Rescue.

That's a very different show. All right.

I don't know how up to snuff you guys are on your food related shows.

Very different show. That's like the difference between hoarders and anything on HGTV.

All right.

And so now I have like the host of Bar Rescue, John Taffer's big head in my head just yelling at a line cook, "You got to wash your hands." And I turned to my wife.

I'm like, "You better get me the hell out of here." and she took me to the Airbnb where I stared at the curtains for the next 5 hours and I was just like, "It's alive. I'm watching it breathe.

" And she's like, "That's just the AC hitting it. You need to calm down.

" So, that didn't help the anxiety.

Tried so many things. I did yoga, uh, which I'm not new to yoga, uh, but we tried different kinds cuz there's two types of yoga if you don't yoga.

There's hot yoga. That's the most popular kind done in a small room. High temperatures.

A lot of times purple lighting, sometimes DJ music.

Uh, a lot of times taught by like a white lady who's vacationed in a poor country once.

Um, right. And the class will end with like half a poem that makes no sense, you know, just at the end she'll be like, "Uh, remember sometimes people don't have feet.

" And you're like, "What?

" And then, "Namaste. You got to get the hell out of there.

" But we went to traditional yoga.

We went to a traditional yoga spot.

Traditional yoga is done at room temperature.

The lights are on. And the teachers are extra eclectic.

Like our teacher was a middle-aged Hispanic man about 5'5.

Bald on top, long curly gray hair down the sides.

Uh oldtimey glasses like with the circle and the hook behind the ear like he's underwriting landed from the 1800s.

It's a look, dude. And he's not wearing fancy yoga clothes.

baggy basketball shorts, cut off sleeve t-shirt, and he's doing yoga very herkyjerky.

Yoga is usually smooth, kind of stretchy.

His is very abrupt, just like like he's doing yoga almost like it feels like he thinks he could kick someone's ass with this.

That's the energy he's bringing to the practice.

And I remember he started the class with like a quick squat to stand like warm-up.

He was like, "Inhale, exhilarate, inhale, exhilarate.

" And I think he was trying to say, "Exhale, but he kept saying exhilarate.

" And he said it so much that after a while I'm like, "Is it exhilarate?

" Like, have you ever had that moment where you talk to someone with an accent from another country and they say something and you're like, "That might be how you say it.

" Cuz like, they went to school to learn English.

We just picked it up from being around, you know?

We're not speaking proper English.

He's over there like, "Exhilerate." And I'm like, "Man, have I been saying exhale like a hillbilly this whole time?

" I just remember exhilarate. Ex.

He was wearing these baggy basketball shorts and he's just exhilarate. This next part I don't know how to bring up delicately, but this dude had the biggest nut sack I've ever seen on a human individual. I It made no sense.

He was like 5'5. I couldn't tell if it was a gift or a medical condition, but he's in these baggy basketball shorts.

So every exhilarate, it was like a kettle bell swung out of there.

I was like, "Huh?" Just exhilarate.

And you're like, "Whoa, exhilarate.

" You're like, "Why?" You know, you ever see that horror movie where the guy's face comes through the wall and then goes back?

That's what it was like.

just exhilarate and then it would disappear back.

And I'm like, man, I could use some purple lighting and DJ music right now cuz everything is way too vivid in here.

And then later in the class, uh, he he showed us a move I afterwards found out it's called Warrior 3. He came to the middle of the class right in front of my wife and I. He's facing that way, so we're on the business end. And he bends over, kicks his leg up, and holds it.

I'm standing right there and with the baggie basketball shorts, I see right up the tunnel.

All right, the tolls have been paid and I am flying down that tunnel and I see everything and it's a mess in there, you guys.

All right, nothing's tied down. Like, it's just it looks like a hurricane hit a resort that they were not ready for. Just a tornado of man.

And believe me, I didn't want to see it, but even if my eyes were closed, my third eye was open. You know what I mean?

It's a yoga reference.

[Applause] The other thing with yoga is it's supposed to be an hour.

Like, it's supposed to be an hour. Hot yoga, they say it's an hour. They give you 50 minutes.

They kind of screw you on the last 10 minutes. Uh, traditional yoga is supposed to be an hour. This dude gave us an hour 20 cuz he's got nowhere to be.

And so, like the last like 40 minutes of class, me and the 12 other people are just end it, dude. Just end it.

And we finally the class ended. We got out of the building and as soon as the door closed behind us, I turned to my wife and I'm like and she's like, "We're too close.

" All right, why don't we give it a couple blocks? That's how well my wife knows me.

She knew what I wanted to talk about.

She's like, "Why don't we give it a couple blocks before we break down what the hell just happened in there?

" And I'm like, "That's smart.

" And then we got a couple blocks away and I'm like, and she's like, "Everybody saw.

" All right.

Do we really have to talk about it?

Everybody saw.

>> So, that didn't help with the anxiety either.

Doing my best. I'm trying to get it all fixed up, you know, for whatever the next phase of life is. Cuz we're at that age.

I'm 37. My wife's 33. So, we're at that age where we're just having the same conversation over and over again.

You know, we're just like, "So, are we going to have kids or are we just going to keep having a great time?

That's where we're at right now.

That's a lot of the people in my generation.

We're having way too much fun because we make a nice middle class living, but we don't have any kids, which means we're loaded.

All right. If you make a middle class living and you don't have kids, you are filthy, filthy rich.

Every night my wife and I are like Uber Eats again.

We could do this for every meal.

But you have to have that conversation because that window closes and you got to decide what you're going to do and it's a hard conversation to have because now there's like we live in a time where there's so many different ways just to get pregnant.

There's so many options.

It's like too many options. I think it was simpler back in the day.

There's like there's like two things you could do.

You could use traditional or you could adopt and that was it. I guess you could always kidnap. That's always been right.

Like that's that's always been on the menu of life. You can always linger around a park and just be like your name's David now. And then you you guys are good people. The amount of people that laughed and and didn't laugh, you guys like, haha.

But that's not I'm just saying it's on the menu.

All right. We of course wouldn't do that.

That's not who we are. But yeah, now we live in a day and age where there's like a million options. Like now you can have a surrogate.

That's where you pay someone else to have your kid and they just drop it off when it's ready.

Like a modern-day stork. just a here you go.

And my wife and I were reading about that and she's like that's the one I want to do. And I was like, yeah.

She's like, yeah, I don't want to go through pregnancy.

That's not fair. I got to go through it and you don't have to.

Yeah, let's do that one. Let's Uber Eats a kid.

That's the one I want.

So, I Googled how much that costs and we're not going to be doing that.

That is the most expensive thing I've ever seen in my life. I have one friend that has a surrogate. Uh, but he he's a lawyer in the Bay Area. He makes a very nice living.

and him and his wife for years had been trying to get pregnant and we're having a rough time and so they ended up having a surrogate so and we're close enough so I could text him, you know, I was like, "Buddy, how much was that surrogate?" And he goes, " $60,000.

" And I was like, "Good lord.

" You know, uh, but I was happy for him cuz they're going to get a baby out of the deal and that's what they want.

So I was pumped for him. Uh, but then because life is hilarious, 2 months before the baby was born, they ended up getting pregnant for real.

Yeah. just to prove that God has a sense of humor, you know? He's just up there like, "Check this out." Yeah, dude.

And then so I texted him. I was like, "What is the refund policy?

" on a $60,000 baby, at least a restocking fee something.

So now they have two babies that are very close in age and I'm like they're eventually going to find out.

You know, they're going to get to an age where they learn the timets on babies and they're going to be like, "How the hell this happened?

" And then they're going to have to tell them and one of them's going to know that they're a $60,000 baby and the other one's just a free ass baby.

Yeah.

Like that's for sure coming up in an argument, you know?

among siblings. That's coming up.

Like, oh yeah, I bet you wouldn't taste the difference.

I have $60,000 worth of taste buds and you're Kirkland brand, so you don't know.

So, yeah, we don't even know which one we want to do. We don't even know that we want to be parents. So, my wife was like, "Well, you know, I can buy us some time.

I can just freeze my eggs.

" And I'm like, "That sounds cool. Do that.

" You know, cuz that sounds easy.

Just throw them in a freezer.

We'll get to them later. You know, like that extra loaf of bread. You ever buy an extra loaf of bread at the grocery store and you throw that second one in the freezer?

You're like, "That'll be good later.

" You know, that's how I thought it was going to go down.

But then she told me what she has to actually go through to freeze her eggs.

And I'm like, "They should change the name of that procedure.

That is way more intense than just throwing some eggs in the ice box.

" She's like, "Oh, I have to inject myself with hormones for weeks and then I have to go in and have surgery and they're going to cut the eggs out of me." I was like, "Good lord." And she's like, "Yeah, what'd you think it was?" And I'm like, I'm not really sure what I thought it was.

I guess I just assumed that they're going to suck the eggs out of there.

And she's like, what are you talking about?

I'm like, you know, modern medicine, just suck the eggs out of there.

And she's like, what? I'm like, you know, like when we go have boba tea.

And [Applause] she's like, that's how you thought it went down?

And I was like, maybe you ever see something and then your brain's like, I'm pretty sure I know how that works.

I bet you it's like boba tea.

Then you tell your wife and you see her face and you're like, I could be wrong.

Might be a little bit wrong.

But yeah, every time we talk about kids, we always end up talking about the pregnancy part of it, which I get cuz that's a lot. That's a a lot for her to deal with.

But anytime we talk about having kids, I think of the rest of the time, you know, like what's that kid going to be like personalitywise?

I hope like me or my wife or a mixture of the two of us. But what if it's a rogue, you know?

What if it's an offshoot?

What if we end up with like a winner?

Wouldn't that be horrible to have a champion in the house just every day coming down?

We're going all the way this year, Dad. It's like that's not what we're doing here, son.

There are no days off. There's going to be a lot of days off, buddy.

I don't And I love sports. I like watching sports on my TV. I like watching documentaries about athletes. I find it fascinating.

But that's for the TV.

And when I'm when I'm done, I turn that off and I'm like, "That's enough of that.

" And then I go lay down or something.

I don't want championship energy in my house just making me feel bad about my efforts in life. I don't want that at all.

You know, like if I had a kid who wanted to play sports or something, go play all the sports you want, buddy.

I'll come watch. Like if I had a son who's like, I want to play high school football, dad.

Go play high school football, buddy.

I'll come to every game and I'll cheer you on. But secretly, I'm going to pray that the team goes five and five every year.

Cuz I think that's what makes a well-rounded individual.

You go five and five.

You learn how to win.

You learn how to enjoy that. You learn about teamwork.

You learn how to lose.

And you learn that kind. It doesn't matter.

And you got to just get on with life.

I think most people win some version of five and five every year in high school and then we're all here. But some people go undefeated in high school.

Some people go 40 and0 all four years of high school and then they come out into the real world with like real championship energy and then we got to deal with them.

These people exist. They come out of high school undefeated. They're like, I can accomplish anything. And then they chase their dreams and they fail.

So they become an obnoxious real estate agent.

every city. I'm the number one realtor in all of Seattle. And you're like, "Oh, every bus stop.

" And you're like, "I'm not giving that guy my commission." Absolutely not.

Who's number two?

You know, there's people like that. I want to leave behind a legacy. You ever hear someone say that? I want to leave behind a legacy.

It's like just die.

Did you forget that's an option?

You can also just die. Like, isn't this enough?

Isn't being alive enough for you?

You want to haunt the future with your accomplishments?

Just die. Like the type of person that would say that out loud. I want to leave behind a legacy. That's the same type of person that likes being sung.

Happy birthday too.

Most people don't like it. We sit there politely and we're like, it'll be over soon.

Don't look impolite.

But some people love it.

Some people like Yeah. Yeah. Bring the servers over.

Make them sing, too. Yeah. Yeah.

Do the extras and many more.

And I'm not saying these people should be killed.

I just don't want them in my house.

That's all.

[Applause] These are the things I think about, you know?

This is what I think about.

What What kind of kind of kid are we going to have?

How am I going to be a parent?

Like, how do you be a parent?

You know, cuz I think back at my childhood and I'm like, I didn't have a bad childhood, but a lot of that's illegal.

You know, you ever look back at your childhood, you're like, "That wasn't bad." But some of those are felonies now. You can't do that.

Like, I was raised different. I was I was like I was left home alone a ton.

I was raised by a single mom.

Left home alone from the age of six. All right.

Left home alone. My mom would tell me, "So, I lock the door. You don't open this door for anybody." And I'm like, "Okay.

" And she still felt the need to put the fear of God in my heart.

Zullie, I lock this door. you don't open this door for anybody. I'm like, all right.

Like, my mom and I used to watch America's Most Wanted together.

All right. Just to prove that I'm from the trailer park.

We used to watch I remember Fox's Friday Night Lineup.

You had two hours of Cops and then an hour of America's Most Wanted. And my mom and I would watch it together and every once in a while there'd be a missing kid on America's Most Wanted. And John Walsh would be like, "Tomm, he's been missing since May.

" And my mom was like, "He unlocked the door.

" So that's like a core memory of my childhood of my mom leaving for work and then just hearing the door lock and me going, "Oh my god, there's danger on the other side of that door. That might be where the anxiety came from.

" But we're not here to pick.

You know, my mom's a really good parent.

She's uh you know, we're Hungarian, so we we've moved over from from Hungary. uh and uh and she's like a you know bluecollar hard worker that kind of thing but she's still supportive of the arts cuz she's pumped that I do this like most immigrant parents wouldn't be happy about that like when I was 19 I was like I'm going to go try open mics and do comedy and she's like you should try maybe you know and I was like hell yeah thanks for the pep talk you know that's that's what I needed and now that I've turned this into a career she's very proud of me but at the same time she doesn't respect what I do which is two of those things can be true.

You can be proud of someone but not respect what they do. You know, like I can't complain about a bad day at this job to her cuz she works for real.

You understand? Like coming up in comedy for a while, I was performing at colleges all around the country. And some of those shows were horrible. I don't know if you've ever made eye contact with an 18-year-old, but you'll second guess every life decision you've ever made.

So, I remember I'd be bombing.

These kids would just be staring at me.

I'd want to grab them by the shoulders.

was like, "This is how I pay my rent.

" Like, I was I was hot about it, but I couldn't complain to my mom about it, you know, cuz like I I remember one time I bombed for an hour at Penn State Harrisburg.

I will burn that school down to the ground one day.

If you ever see that in the news, call off the manhunt. It was me.

But I bombed for an hour and then I went back to the hotel and I'm all sad.

I'm licking my wounds and my mom happened to call me and she could tell I was sad and she's like, "Zullie, what's wrong?

" And I was like, I just I just had a bad show.

I just bombed for an hour.

And she's like, oh, just one hour.

I was so mad. I was like, you don't get it, mom.

You have no idea. And I kept complaining.

And she's like, Zoe, how much they pay? And then I told her how much I got paid. And she goes, I think you should shut up.

This is how I know she doesn't respect what I do cuz there was a lull in the conversation after that naturally.

And she goes, "You know, Zoe, I can do what you do.

" And I was like, "You can do comedy?

" She goes, "Easy." And I was like, "Really?

What would you talk about?" She goes, "Nothing.

I fart in microphone.

That's what my mom thinks about what I do.

She thinks she could fill in for me by farting into a microphone.

And I was like, for an hour?

Like, that's a hell of a long time to hold a note.

Like, that's not If you can do that, that might be worth way more than what I'm getting paid.

That's like America's Got Talent level.

That's That's another echelon.

But yeah, I always she was always supportive of the arts, you know, because I didn't know I always wanted to do standup.

Uh there was a time in my childhood where I thought I was going to be a musician because I come from a family of musicians. My father's a professional musician.

He left when I was a baby. Classic musician.

Uh my grandfather on both sides, my mom and dad's professional musicians.

I have musicians all throughout my family.

So I thought music was in my blood.

So in middle school, I joined the middle school band.

I picked Alto Saxs in the middle school band. And the reason I picked that instrument is in fifth grade, the middle school band came and did a concert for us and there was a kid playing a silver alto saxs and he was wearing a fedora and sunglasses indoors on a Tuesday afternoon and I'm like that's the coolest kid I've ever seen in my entire life. That's who I'm going to be in middle school. And then I got to middle school and I very quickly found out he was not that cool.

You ever do that? You ever pick the wrong guy to be and then you show up and you're like, "Oh no, I hope mom kept the receipt, you know.

" But I got my alto saxs and I very quickly found out that music is not in my blood.

Like my relatives, my father, they weren't good at music cuz it's in their DNA.

They just had mean parents that made them practice a lot, you know?

They're like, "Practice till your fingers bleed.

" You know, like that kind of I didn't have that. I had a very sweet Hungarian mom. So, I'd be in the trailer park just on my sacks just like and I'm like, "This sucks." And my mom's like, "Okay.

" And she left.

There was no speech about sticking with it. She had another job to get to.

She She's like, "Good luck.

" And she left. So, I quit. I quit the alto saxs after like two weeks.

I'm like, "This sucks. I'm never going to get it.

" But I didn't have the courage to drop the class, you know, because of the anxiety set in. And we had an intimidating music teacher. His name was Mr. McGee.

Uh he wore hockey jerseys and he had a mullet. And I know like mullets now, that's a fun haircut. You see a mullet now, you're like, "That looks like a fun guy. I'd love to listen to his podcast or something like that.

" But but not in 1999. All right.

Back in 1999, you saw a dude with a curly mullet and a hockey jersey. You're like, "That guy's been divorced three times and he's on a hunt for a fourth.

This man's looking for an even number of divorces.

" And so I was way too scared to tell that guy that I quit.

So I didn't. I just quit in my heart.

All right. Uh I might have been the world's first quiet quitter. I think so.

I still showed up to like fifth period band and I sat with all the other alto saxes.

I just never like blew into my instrument, you know?

I was just just like I was just doing my best Lisa Simpson impression just, oh yeah, oh, we're on fire today, fellas. We're cooking.

And that was my plan. I'll just fake it for the rest of the school year. And uh next year I'm not going to sign up for this class.

We'll pawn this instrument.

We'll be good to go. And that was my plan.

And it worked for like four months.

And then I remember the day it stopped working.

We were working on a new song and right in the middle of it, Mr. McGee goes, "Stop.

Everybody stop. One of the old to saxes is out of tune. Stand up and play one at a time. Yeah. That's the closest I've ever felt to being on death row right there.

And I had to sit there and each kid had to stand up.

First kid, next kid.

And I'm just watching it come down and I'm like, "Oh my god." I was over there like trying to relearn music.

I was like, "That's an A. Oh my god, they put a line through it. What does that mean?

And then the next kid and then it came to me and Mr. McGee is like, "Zultan, stand up." I had to stand up in front of the whole class holding an instrument I have not blown into in 4 months.

Like, I forgot how wet my lips even needed to be. I was like, [Applause] The worst noise came out of this instrument and I just had to stand there in front of my class and I had no idea what to say.

I was just like, I think my read's broken.

And that was such a monumental learning experience in my life. Like that taught me that one day all of your lives will come to the surface and eventually everyone's going to know you don't know what the hell you're doing.

And that's the kind of lesson I'd like to pass down as a dad someday.

You know, I'll be like, "Son, drop the class.

You're going to have to carry that lie around with you the whole year." I did.

I had to carry that lie, that saxophone.

And I'm like, I should have picked a smaller lie, you know, like a clarinet or a flute or something. I had to carry that giant I had to ride the bus with that lie, this big case, and I would we'd have to sit three to a seat on the bus.

I'd be like, "Can we slide this over all of our laps?" And they're like, "No, you hold it." And I just had to prop it up and I had to face my lie all the way home. And even at 12, I'm like, "Is this a metaphor?" Like, what?

These are the tidbits I'd like to drop.

Oh, we've been trying, you know, we've been, uh, we've been trying to get the feel for it, too. Like, uh, we've been hanging out with family members that have kids.

Like, I got, uh, I got a brother-in-law.

He has two little boys, ages three and five, in the Bay Area.

So, we went and hung out over there.

And I don't know if you've ever hung out with little boys ages three and five, but they're relentless. All right.

They're like a they're like a piece of kale.

You ever have a raw piece of kale?

Not sauteed, no dressing. Do you ever just bite down on straight kale and you're like, "Oh my god, that is brutal.

" And it's not. They don't quit.

They're like, "I get stronger with every bite.

" And you're like, "Aren't you tired?

Just go down the hole." You know, that's little boys ages three and five.

So, I remember we showed up and at first uh they were kind of scared of me cuz I was a new person in the house.

So, they're like hiding behind the furniture, you know. And then, uh, so we're just sitting drinking wine with the adults.

And after about an hour, the oldest one, the 5-year-old, comes up to me and he grabs me by the elbow.

He doesn't say anything. He just smiles like a little sinister just and he grabs me by the elbow and he leads me away from the table and I was like, "Oh, I guess I've been chosen.

" And he led me down the hallway into one of the spare bedrooms. And when we got in there, his little brother was already in there waiting. He slams the door behind us.

And I'm like, "What's going on, fellas?

" And that's when they both grabbed pillows and they just started beating me with pillows.

It was the most adorable welcome to the family I've ever had in my entire life. And I was like, "Oh, this is so sweet." They're like, "You're one of us now." And they're just hitting me.

And then so I grabbed a pillow.

I started hitting them. But I don't play with kids a lot. So I'm like laying it in, you know, like I don't know the level.

So I'm just like the foam in the corner of my mouth.

I'm having a blast. I remember the oldest one, I knocked his pillow away.

So while he was reaching for it, I'm just teeing off on his head. I gave him like a hockey check. Oh, it was great.

But yeah, he didn't have a pillow.

So all he could do to protect himself, he just put his arms over his head and he bull rushed me like a ram like right in the gut.

He just went, "Ah." And he got a he did it like three times.

Running start. Got me right in the bread basket.

Pretty good. And the fourth time I saw it coming.

So I just pivoted on him, you know?

Like what an idiot. Like you can't do the same attack every time.

You don't watch UFC, you got to work on your faints and your angles. This guy just belineed it in. So I lachenkoed him and he ran into the closet door, tore off the tracks and me and his little brother were laughing at him. We're like, "Ah, what an idiot.

" Like, look at him.

So we're high-fiving. I remember he climbed out of the rubble and he had a little baby scrape on his elbow and he's just like, and I was like, I don't know your dad like that.

Like, shut up. Shut up. You're fine.

That's why I feel like I'm not mature enough to be a dad cuz the dad showed up and I was like, "Dude, this was their idea.

" I I was having wine with you, buddy.

I don't know if you remember.

This is stuff I think about, man.

Cuz these are the things that happen, you know.

Um Oh, I wanted to I should have said this in the beginning. Thank you so much for all coming out and filling up this giant theater.

Means the world to me.

probably I should have I should have said that way sooner.

Uh this is still new for me like having this many people come and see me in a venue.

Like it wasn't that long ago.

There was always tickets available for one of my shows. Oh, honestly like I remember like I remember the first time I headlined at a comedy club just outside of San Diego. What a big deal that was.

you know, I got to go on a flight and I'm like, "Oh my god, I'm flying for comedy." You know, and I showed up and I remember the owner of the comedy club picked me up at the hotel and while he's driving me to the show, he's not even saying anything to me, which is weird. He was fun on the phone, but in person, he's just all tight and I was like, "What's up, man?

" Not saying nothing. And then he pulled into a pizza place, just didn't say a word to me. Pulled into a pizza place, left the car, came back with a giant stack of piece pizzas, and just dropped them on my lap. And now it's tied to And they're hot.

They're burning my thighs.

And I just remember looking at him going, "What's up with all the pizzas?

" And he's like, "Ah, ticket sales for your show are really light." So I made a Facebook post that said, "There's free pizza for anyone that comes to your show tonight.

" I don't know if you ever experienced like that, something like that where like your own failures are burning your thighs.

But it's a very direct feeling, you know?

You're like, I deserve this sizzle sizzle, you know?

But it's nice. Now people are showing up to my shows. I get to interact with people and stuff. It's fun.

People say good things like, "I like your comedy.

" That's probably my favorite compliment, you know, just straight to the point.

I like your comedy. I'm like, "Thank you so much.

" Sometimes people get deeper with it.

Sometimes people are like, "Your comedy got me through a dark time.

" And I'm like, "All right.

" Like, I never have the right response to that.

I'm always like, "All right.

" You know, and I realize why people do that.

People feel like they're they're connected.

Like they see me online, they see me in person, they're like, "I can talk to that guy. He seems like a nice guy.

And I try to come off like a nice guy on stage. I try to come off like a nice guy in real life, too. But I'm I'm a regular person. So, I got my selfish side.

I got my narcissistic side.

I have my uglies, you know, cuz never forget this is the most arrogant art form in the history of the arts. It's like, "Oh, I want to perform on a stage." And it's like, "Oh, in like an ensemble, no, by myself.

" It's like, "Oh, are you going to sing or play music?

" "No, I'm going to talk.

" And everyone's going to listen and it's never going to be their turn to talk.

This only makes sense at a comedy show.

Like, if this was a house party, I'd be the biggest jerk at the house party.

I'd be that guy standing in front of the dip.

You just want to dip your chip.

And I'm over there like, "Dude, this guy's nutsack was just flying in and out.

" And you'd be like, "What the hell's wrong with that guy? Everything's all me me with this guy.

" So, I got that part of me, you know, the selfish narciss.

It's in there, man.

cuz I remember one time after a show someone came up to me and they're like, "Your comedy got me through a really dark time.

" I was considering ending things and then I watched your comedy online and I decided not to and I was like I had no idea what to say. I was just like, I'm so glad you're here.

That's all I could come up with. But there was this selfish part of me that wished I had the courage to ask like you know which joke?

which is a horrible thought to have.

And I wish I would have just gone London [ __ ] I would have been so much better.

But yeah, man. Who knows what we're going to end up doing. I don't know.

We might have kids, we might not.

Cuz I think about my childhood.

And it honestly wasn't bad. It was just different.

I was born in Budapest, Hungary.

Moved over to the United States when I was four. So I learned English very quickly.

My mom, it took her a while to learn English. So, for a majority of like my childhood, I could speak English, but my mother couldn't.

I don't know if anyone grew up in a household like that, but if you did, you know that you run that household.

All right? That was my house.

I've answered the phone. Hello. Uh-uh.

You know, I translated parent teacher conferences.

Do you have any idea the power in that?

I'd stand there with my mother and Mrs. Wilson and she'd be like, "Tell your mother you need to work on your reading.

" And I was like, "All right.

I'm the best reader in class.

And my mom's like, "Ah." And she's like, "Why doesn't her face match the information?

" I was like, "Oh man, the Hungarians.

We were not into reading.

" Yeah.

Got away with murder, though.

I was watching Rated Rar movies when I was 5 years old.

Yeah. Cuz rated art, that's an American thing. It meant nothing to my mother.

It's not in other countries.

So, I was just a little 5-year-old holding a VHS of Blood Sport, and I'm like, "I want to watch this one." And my mom's like, "Okay." And she left.

So, I'm over there, 5 years old, watching the damn Kumat. And I'm like, "Yeah, dude.

Hell yeah." I learned the splits.

And next day, I'm in kindergarten hanging out with 5-year-olds and they're like, "Power Rangers are badass.

" And I'm like, "No, they're not, dude.

No, they are not. That's not even real karate.

" All right. Last night, I watched real karate. All right.

I watched a guy break another guy's leg and then make tender love to a woman.

That's the real martial arts if you ask me.

So, who knows, man. But I'm glad to be back in San Diego cuz I I get to live close to my mom. Uh, which is important.

It's good to visit your parents.

It is weird that we do it, but we should.

Uh, like we're the only ones that visit our mothers.

I don't know if you know that.

We're the only animals on the planet that visit our mothers. I watch all the animal documentaries and never once has it come up.

Never once have I watched like a David Atenburgh and he's like, "And now the migrating cheetah will visit his mother on the first Sunday of May." You know, like that that never comes up.

But we do. And it's good that we do.

And I think it's important to visit your parents, but I think it's then important to live very far away.

That's why I like New York. It was very far away.

And then I'd come and visit and I could see how much things had changed at home and I could be properly concerned.

You know, cuz sometimes you're too close to it and you don't see it.

And then you take a healthy step back and you're like, "Oh, we need to have a conversation.

This is what's been going on." Like when we moved to New York, I was gone for 8 months before I came back to visit.

I went back to the trailer park. I saw my mom.

My mom now has a chicken living in her tree.

Just so you guys know, not that kind of trailer park. All right?

No one else has chickens. There's no farms nearby.

And I was like, "Mom, where the hell did this chicken come from?

" And she's like, "I don't know.

" One day there was a storm and there's a chicken in your tree. Yes.

And I go, "All right." And then what happened?

She goes, "I start to feed.

My mom cooks for this chicken.

My mom cooks fresh rice and oatmeal for this chicken that she's named Chibi that lives in her tree. Every day this little Hungarian lady goes out with a giant pot just chibi throwing grain everywhere.

And I saw that and I'm like, "What the hell is going on?" So I ran in the house.

I grabbed my little brother.

I got a younger brother, still lives at home.

And I go, "Buddy, what the hell's going on out there?" He's like, "What are you talking about?" I'm like, "There's a chicken in the damn tree.

" And he's like, "Oh, you mean Chibi?

You're too close to it.

That's the problem.

" And then I went inside and it got worse.

My brother got neon strip lighting for his bedroom.

Very popular right now.

This thin neon strip lighting.

My mother saw it. Instead of being offended by this or appalled, she thought it was really badass.

So, she went to Home Depot and got 200 yards of this stuff and she lined the entire inside of the trailer with neon strip lighting.

I'm gone for 8 months, you guys. I come home to visit, there's a chicken in the tree, and the trailer's lit up like a Tijana whhouse.

And I'm just standing there looking at my mom going, "What are we doing here?

" And she's like, "That isn't it festive?

" And I'm like, "No, you're lowering the property value, which is hard to do at a trailer park.

That's not easy to pull off.

" And I do get this question a lot.

I'll answer this cuz I do get this question a lot after my shows. People are like, "Does your mother care that you say these things and you share these stories about your family and your upbringing in her house?

" And I'm like, "No, she's cool with it." Yeah, she's totally cool with it.

In fact, she encourages it because the last time I filmed a special, she came to the taping and afterwards she was like, "Oh, Zoe, you did such a good job. Oh, so funny.

I'm so proud." And I'm like, "Thank you, Mom.

" And she goes, "Yes, so good.

But not a lot of jokes about me.

" And I was like, "Oh, did you want me to talk about you more on stage?" And she's like "Maybe.

" I was like, "Okay." And then we went home and I saw the chicken in the tree and the stripper lighting. I was like, "Oh yeah, we can work with this.

" Welcome back to the show, Ma.

You guys have been awesome.

Thank you so much for coming out.

[Applause] [Applause] for so long. It's hard to know just where I am.

[Music] I've been chasing rainbows since the story started.

It's a deja vu my friend.

I've been on my home searching for a home.

But like a rolling star, I keep moving on.

[Music] Will you won't you? Do you don't you?

All these questions buzzing around inside my head.

If there's an answer, there's a chance that I was listed out for something else instead [Applause] with my ear pressed to the ground.

In this chaos I have found.

There's a silence in the sound.

For everything that goes up must come down.

Be sad with me.